Original subtitles

(triumphant trumpets blaring)

- [Narrator] Our story begins back in old Italy,

where the first of a long line of godfathers

is cooking up the first big oil deal in history.

- Well, I certainly hope the Shiraz excuse for royalty

doesn't slip and break his neck

before he signs the Rose Oil contract.

We promised the pope 300 kegs of it before Christmas.

- [Man] Don't worry, I'll get him to sign.

It'll be like taking America from the Indians.

- [Man] You're too confident.

- All fools are accompanied by guardian angels

and this fat fool has the Calipha.

- They say she's a very hard woman to handle.

- I wouldn't mind handling her.

- [Woman] Give me that chocolate, it's melting all over you.

You can't eat and talk to the doge at the same time.

They're not used to that in Europe.

- Your highness, as the doge and head of the republic

of Venice, I bid you hearty welcome.

- In 1745, Cassanova, whilst passing through

the city of Sienna, spent the night in a nunnery.

It is rumored that after his presence

in that house of prayer,

it was turned into a house of unwed mothers.

- Hm, isn't he sensuous, go on.

- In 1752, he met Duchess Francesca of Canarou,

to whom he's been emotionally attached ever since.

- [Woman] Well, we'll just have to detach him.

- Drawn in Venice on the ninth of September, 1754.

Your highness, I believe all the points

concerning our contract have been covered.

Do you have any further questions?

- Uh yes, do you play backgammon?

- Play what?

- Don't tell me you've never heard of backgammon.

(mumbles)

- Your highness, we would love to learn

your Oriental games, I'm sure they're quite fascinating

but we don't wanna keep you away from your country

any longer than necessary.

So, if you'll just sign on the dotted line...

- [Calipha] Stop!

- Ah, light to my eyes, music to my ears.

- Ugh, cool it, Akmhed.

- I protest in the name of the republic of Venice.

We do not allow women to meddle in the affairs of state.

- Let's get one thing straight, sweetheart.

My husband may be the great Caliph of Shiraz

but he does not bow to Mecca without asking me.

Now, put that in your water pipe and smoke it.

- Oh, darling you're wonderful.

- Why do you take this from her?

- You should see how she plays backgammon.

- Well, very well.

What do you ask the republic in return

for his highness' signature?

- Use your tiny imagination, honey.

- You don't mean...

I see, perhaps I could, I mean,

I would be more than happy to uh...

- You bet your sweet gondola you would but no thanks,

would be like a drop of martini in the desert.

What I need is a flood, a real man.

Jacomo Casanova, bring him to me or there's no deal.

- But he's-- - A man, a real man

and you have no right to keep such trembling desire

rotting in your jails.

(light dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- Divine Francesca.

- Nice shot, Fuljenso.

- Naturally.

- My darling, Casanova, meet me tonight

at the Campo Nettunu, I love you, Francesca, use the file.

(mumbling)

- Ahh, ooh!

- I get the white pieces.

- Come on, you had them yesterday.

- Akmhed-- - Alright.

But it isn't fair.

Why won't you let me sign that contract?

You know how much Shiraz needs the money.

- Be patient, my dear.

We'll sign, just as soon as they've met my conditions.

Now, roll the dice.

(laughing)

- Two sexes, uh, two sixes.

(laughing)

- That's nice.

- [Francesca] This is where we're supposed to meet him.

- [Fuljenso] I'll give him the stuff.

- Guards, guards, get this filth out of here.

I'm gonna report this to the pope.

- What's all this shouting about?

- You're in a lot of trouble.

I ask for a Bible and you send me a dirty book?

- A dirty book? - How dare you, sir?

- What is the matter with you?

You asked for a Bible and we gave you...

Holy shit, look at the size of those tits.

(hitting loudly and grunting)

(light dramatic music)

- Hmm delicious.

So, mister umm...

- Jacomino, yeah, Jacomino. - Jacomino.

Um, what were you doing with this, hmm?

- You see, sir, I have a cold.

- Not the handkerchief, the dice.

The guards told me that the dice were fully loaded.

Now, with dice like these,

I do not see why you had to steal.

- Well, you see the dice of the guys I was playing with

were more loaded than mine

and I lost every scooty I owned.

- Silence, I've heard enough excuses.

Now, I sentence you.

(gavel bangs loudly) I give you six months

for petty theft, 12 months for grand larceny,

two and a half years for peddling without a license and--

- Do you mind if I write this down?

- 6 3/4 years for daring to interrupt me

and 8 3/4 years for resisting arrest and

(chuckling)

here comes the biggie, 12 years for disturbing the peace.

(gavel bangs loudly) My peace.

- To arms, to arms, Casanova has escaped.

- How dare you come screaming and shouting

into the office of the prefect of Venice,

now tell me calmly and quickly, who has escaped?

- Casanova.

- Casanova, Casanova?

Casanova has escaped?

To arms, to arms!

- To arms, to arms! (shouting)

(light dramatic music)

- Made in Japan?

Oh, I love it, here.

(speaking in foreign language)

- [Man] Just this morning, I put in my new glass eye.

(swords clanking)

(speaking in foreign language)

(upbeat harpsichord music)

- There he is, look, over there.

- [Man] If we hurry, we might get him, sarge.

- [Sarge] Ugh, it's too late for that now but listen--

- [Man] Oh, he's a wizard, now he's over there.

- Sorry to bother you in the nipple of the, oh (chuckles)

forgive me, I meant to say in the middle of the night

but Casanova has escaped.

- You think he's in this vicinity?

- Indeed, I do.

- Why are you staring at my brassiere?

Do you suspect he's in there?

- One never knows, does one?

- Do you mind if I look? (slaps loudly)

- Do you have a search warrant?

- Oh, no.

- Then you'll have to excuse me.

I have bread to bake.

- It's a shame, that, because if you had known where he was,

I'd have shared with you the reward of a thousand scooty.

- Oh, a mere thousand scooty, oh.

(laughing)

That's a ridiculously low sum to pay

for a man of that value.

I certainly wouldn't give him up for so little.

(mumbling)

(light dramatic music)

(groaning) (crashing loudly)

(gasping)

- Oh, shh!

- This is becoming a habit.

- Look, you see, I'm in a little bit of trouble.

I was coming down the street and this guy--

- I know who you are.

- You do? - Yes, the sergeant just left.

- Oh, the sergeant?

- I hear also he told me that there are a thousand scooty

riding on this pretty little head of yours.

- A thousand scooty? - Yes.

(laughing)

- Look, you're not gonna turn me in, are you?

Look, you see, I had to do what I do,

I'm not such a bad guy.

I just got this burning, yearning, hungry feeling inside me.

- I understand, honey. - You do?

- You look half starved. - Half starved.

As a matter of fact,

my appetite is bigger than it's ever been.

- Oh. (chuckling)

(footsteps approaching)

Oh, that's my husband!

Quick, hide in the storage room.

- Well, this is the last tray.

These kits are for the prefect, I'm going to bed.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, darling.

You must rush to Verona right away.

Your brother's wife's run off with her lover.

He's chasing her and no one's there to sell the loaves.

- Well, I suppose I must go.

- Yes, yes, go on, darling, hurry, hurry.

Look what I have brought you.

- I've never seen such beautiful buns in my whole life.

(chuckling)

Oh, don't flatter me, I'm sure you've seen better ones.

- I mean it, never.

They're so round, so firm, so fully packed,

so free leasing on the draw.

- Oh, then come and get them, they're all yours.

Oh, mmmm.

- Divine.

(light dramatic music)

- Into the cellar, all three of you.

I'll teach you to raise the hell of your habits.

That is not the habit during holy mass.

You'll be locked in the cellar til tomorrow at dawn.

Now, get to work.

Start mending those old clothes over there.

- Yes, reverend mother superior.

- It's quite dark in here.

Well, I guess I'll have to leave you my lantern.

I sincerely hope you'll use this time for deep meditation.

Remember, you're taking your vows next week.

- Can you imagine

staying in this stinking trap til tomorrow?

"Work," she says.

If I wanted to work, I certainly wouldn't have decided

to become a nun.

- Oh, come on.

We might as well sew a few of those old clothes.

It'll help pass the time.

- I know how to pass the time.

Ovid, Ars Amatoria.

- But that's Latin, don't tell me you wanna do homework now.

- You don't understand.

This tells us all about the art of love.

- Oh. - But who the hell is Ovid?

- He was a great poet who lived in Rome

over a thousand years ago.

- Wow. - They knew about love

way back then?

- Of course, stupid.

There wouldn't be so many Romans

around today if they didn't.

Listen, I'll translate it to you.

Look, the beloved bed receives the two lovers.

(light organ music) Stop, oh muse,

a step before the closed chamber.

- You've gotta be kidding.

- Quiet, it gets even better later on, it gets sexy.

Without your help, all alone,

they start to whisper tenderly.

(whispering and giggling)

Nor will the left hand lie idle on the bed.

You read.

- Those fingers will find what to do

in those places where Amor secretly wets his arrows.

By Andromade it was done, by the heroic Hector.

Not in war alone did he avail.

With the captured Hernecerin, did the great Achilles

went on the soft bed.

Tired of enemies, he stretched his body.

You let yourself be touched, Brisaius, by those hands,

who in battle against Troy fought so victoriously

and this very thing, wanton one, delighted thee

that a conquerer's hand should caress thy limbs.

Don't be too hasty, believe me,

love's bliss must not be hastened

but gradually lured on by slow delay.

When you have seen her trembling eyes,

which glitter at the sunshine, all glowing,

then she will complain and lovingly murmur

and sweetly sigh and utter words which fit the sport.

(breathing heavily)

(gasping)

Oh no, you can't do that, it's a sin!

- No, my dear, it's a sin only when you do it with a man.

- But alas, it's a sin if you don't.

(gasping) - A man.

- A man. - A man.

- Shh!

I'm a criminal.

If they catch me, they'll kill me.

- They'll kill you?

But then that means you're-- - You're a wanted criminal.

- If love is a crime, then I'm wanted,

public enemy number one.

Jacomo Jeronimo Casanova.

- Jesus Christ.

- No no, Jacomo Jeronimo Casanova.

- Angela, why are you cursing?

- Yes, nuns shouldn't speak like that.

- Nuns?

- Oh, thank you, St. Gertrude for answering

all those candles I've been lighting.

If you answer one more of my prayers, I promise,

what the hell can I promise?

I'm already gonna become a nun.

- Hmm, well if you tell me your prayer,

perhaps I can help you.

I'll give you three guesses and 30 seconds

to get your clothes off.

- You've come to the right party.

(breathing heavily)

- More, more, oh more.

(moaning and breathing heavily)

I can't get enough.

- Neither can I, mmm.

(moaning and breathing heavily)

- You're the most beautiful, sensuous,

tender woman that I've ever held in my arms.

I want nothing better than to make you happy.

- [Woman] So make me happy.

- But how? - What do you mean but how?

I may be a novice but I know there's more to this

than kissing and grabbing.

What's keeping you from going all the way?

- I've uh, never done it to a nun.

- [Woman] But I'm not a nun til next week.

- Oh my, yes.

Are you sure you know what you're getting into?

- Are you sure you know what you're getting into?

- There that's the way he's gone.

- But sergeant, that's a convent.

- You're right, all the more reason to hurry.

Let's go.

- [Nun] Help, help!

No man is allowed in here.

- But we're not men, we're...

- I don't know what's the matter with me.

- I think you can't get it up because you're not Casanova.

- I'm Casanova.

- [Woman] I bet you're just some common crook or something.

- Don't be cruel.

- Wait, you can't treat the poor man like this.

- Yes.

- Can't you see the embarrassment,

the anguish he's going through?

The way he's forcing himself to get something straight

between us, all he needs to perform

is a little bit of warmth, a grain of human tenderness,

and I'm willing to sacrifice myself

to put the flower of my youth on the altar of generosity.

- Sweet.

- Then you'd better get his pants off first.

- Casanova? - Uh-huh.

- Casanova in here?

These walls haven't contained

the sports of men for centuries,

only our confessor father, Anselmo's allowed in here

and he certainly isn't Casanova.

(chuckling)

- And I bet he has as much fun.

(laughing)

Reverend mother, you'll forgive us

but we shall have to inspect your establishment.

After you.

- I just can't bring myself to do this.

I cannot take away the freshness of your--

- Cut the bullshit, man.

You don't give a damn for her womanhood.

It's your manhood that's out to lunch.

- [Casanova] The only thing I'm waiting for, my dear,

is the resurrection.

- [Woman] I just hope we don't have to wait

til the third day.

- [Casanova] Please have faith.

If you believe it'll happen, and when it does,

I hope you'll be ready.

- That's a man.

- Of course it's a man, it's Father Anselmo.

He must be giving the girls a sermon.

There's nothing unusual about that.

See for yourself.

- Sorry to leave you girls like this

but you know how it is with us gonifs, touch and go.

- I'm sure you'll find nothing unusual in here, sergeant.

- Just three nude women.

- And their monk.

- Of course they're nude.

The father was giving a sermon.

He finds it helps our girls to bare their souls.

Isn't that right, father?

- Whatever you say, mother.

- But that doesn't mean

they're running a strip joint, sergeant.

Would you mind looking the other way?

- [Jacomo] Not that way, the other way.

- Who said that?

- You did.

- I did? - Uh-huh.

- That's funny, I don't remember saying it.

- Jessamina!

- What is it, doll?

- Where is my breakfast?

- I can't make your breakfast without bread.

The baker hasn't sent it yet.

Sergeant, go and arrest this baker

and bring him to me here.

- Yes sir, yes sir.

- Go.

- Yes sir, yes sir. - Move!

(mumbling)

- I came as soon as i got your message.

Is there any chance that you've changed your mind

about the contract, your highness?

- Not a chance.

I just want to know what's holding up my rendezvous

with Casanova.

- But what does his highness, the caliph,

think of this meeting?

- Oh wonderful, wonderful, just what I wanted.

(laughing)

- But isn't he jealous?

- Listen, my husband may be an idiot

but he's modern enough to understand

that I'm not a one-sheep woman.

- I see but I'm afraid we can't seem to locate the man.

- Can't locate him?

I thought you said he was in your jail.

Don't tell me that the great republic of Venice

can't even build a safe jail.

Has he escaped?

- Escaped, why, of course not.

What a silly idea.

No, it's just that uh--

- You're a liar.

(crashing) - Oh!

(knocking on door) - Come in.

- Senator Dell'Acqua would like to see you, Mister Grande.

- Dell'Acqua, I wonder what he wants.

- He seems very mad,

I think it has something to do with Casanova.

- Casanova, the very mention of his name

makes my blood boil.

- Mine, too.

- The baker I was ordered to bring you, Mister Grande,

very near escaped but with my cunningness, I won out.

(laughing)

- Baker, baker?

What the hell would I want with a baker?

Look, get out of my way.

- Beatrice?

That's not your husband, who is it?

- I don't know if I should tell you, Madonna.

It's a bit of a secret and I'm not one to gossip, you know.

- Oh yes, I know, but I'm very good at keeping secrets.

Plus if you don't tell me, I'll have you arrested.

- Hmm, well in that case, he's Jacomo Casanova.

- Ah, oh, eh, well, it's been nice seeing you, Beatrice.

Drop in again real soon, will you?

- He's mine, I found him.

- Oh, really?

Let's see.

H, H, H, oh, here it is.

Havius Havit, hardening, harboring.

Harboring a criminal,

punishable by 15 years in one of our sturdy jails.

I hope you have sufficient change of underwear.

- Alright, you win, don't forget the pill.

- You're safe here.

- I am?

- Why don't you go hide in the bed, my little cavalier?

- Um, cavalier, huh?

Cavalier is silly, you know.

Actually, I even got kicked out of the Girl Scouts.

(laughing)

Oh nice. - I see, of course.

You obviously want to keep your identity a secret,

right Jacomo?

- Why, it's not Jacomo, it's Jacomino.

- Oh, cute.

- Cute, you like it, huh?

- Jacomino, Jacomino, Casanova.

- I think you're--

- Oh no, don't worry. - No?

- It'll be our little secret. - Will it?

- My husband will never know.

- Your husband?

(playful harpsichord music)

Husband.

- Wouldn't you like to munch on something else?

- You wouldn't have any milk or cookies, would ya,

I'm getting a little tired of figs.

Whoo.

- I can't remember having this much fun

since my vibrator got stuck.

(laughing)

I sort of expected something different, though.

- Different? - Mm-hmm.

- A bit more refined.

Life in jail must have really been hard,

turns men into animals, right my little Casanova?

- Well, I'm not little and I'm not Casanova.

- If one more person tell me

I've got coffee on my face, I'm going to kill him!

I have to change.

- [Madonna] Oh, how on Earth did you get so dirty?

- I ran into an espresso machine.

Now, stop asking stupid questions and help me change.

And what are you doing in bed in the middle of the day?

- In bed? - Yes.

- Oh, well, I, I, I just wanted to be ready for you

in case you came home for a quickie.

- Quickie, quickie? - Uh-huh.

- We haven't had a quickie in 17 years.

- That's why I wanted to be ready.

- No no, don't dress in there.

- Why not, it's the dressing room, isn't it?

- Yes, of course it's the dressing room

but I want you to dress out here where I can see you.

It's been so long since I've seen you dress.

You have such sexy legs.

- Jessamena, are you feeling alright?

(laughing)

- Yes, of course I'm feeling alright.

Here, let me get another suit for you.

- Well, get a nice one.

I have to see the senator.

- Oh.

(whispering)

- Jessamena, you really think I've got nice legs?

- Of course, they are, they're incredible.

(groaning)

- Not these pants, the black ones.

- No, oh, oh.

- What the hell's the matter with you today?

- Well it's just that I, I, I feel so affectionate.

I can't control myself.

- If this keeps up,

I'll have to cancel your subscription to Playgirl.

- Oh.

Um uh, uh, this is our new maid, Rosetta,

I thought we'd need her in our summer home.

- Well, what's she doing in the closet?

- In the closet?

Oh well, she's uh, well--

- Waiting for your dirty vest, you naughty boy.

(giggling)

Playing in the mud I see?

(laughing)

- We have no time for you to clean them now, Rosetta.

(light playful music)

Rosetta, you'll have to leave right away

for our home in Vicenza.

- Yes, Madonna.

- I'll give you a letter of introduction

to give to our governess.

You'll be taking orders from her til we arrive.

- Rosetta? - Yes, sir?

- Here. - Thank you.

- You shave.

- Well, nobody's perfect.

- Rosetta's from Sicily.

- Touch of the Arabic, huh?

(giggling) (speaking in foreign language)

But you're a bit skinny, we'll have to fatten you up.

- Oh, really?

- Why don't you go and eat some figs.

There's a whole crate of them in the kitchen.

- Figs, oh.

- I hope they don't throw me out of the order.

I've been a priest as long as I can remember.

I don't know what else I could do.

- I hear they're looking for missionaries in Uganda.

- Don't get funny with me.

You got me into this mess in the first place.

I just hope your cousin in Vicenza can put me up

for a couple of weeks.

- Why all the security?

- Sorry, it's confidential.

- Confidential, like hell it is.

Everybody in Venice knows you're looking for Casanova.

- [Man] We have to search everyone.

He's probably wearing a disguise.

- [Man] I am not Casanova.

- Don't worry, they'll let us pass.

These have the seal of the Bishop of Venice.

What's the matter?

- Father, I want to confess my sins.

- But I already know what you did.

I saw it, remember?

- Yes, but I-- - You mean there's more?

- Oh, hurry, there's a church over there.

- I'll have to search you.

- Take your hands off that woman.

- I was just searching her, sir.

- I will vouch for her, this is my wife's chambermaid.

You idiot, out of the way.

(bell ringing)

- [Woman] Last call, Dell'Acqua Line from 74,

departure for... (door slamming)

Gate number one.

- Wait, wait for us.

These are the documents you left in the church, father.

Don't worry, he's in the confessional.

- Your pass?

Let me see it.

Alright.

Well we made it, Casanova. - Shh!

There are spies all over the place.

- Oh.

Look at that chambermaid on the front of the ship, see her?

- Yeah? - He's a spy.

CIA or KGB?

- GOB. (gasps)

- It's all roads lead to Rome but only one to Vicenza.

How long will it take to get my room ready?

- Just a few minutes, excellence,

as soon as I've taken care of your horse.

- You take Bank America?

- Oh I'm sorry, we only take American Express.

- Oh, that's fine, I have traveler's checks.

(light harpsichord music) - Hey, Roberto!

Come and help with these horses, come on!

Move your ass, come on!

- [Roberto] I'm coming.

- Is anybody there?

- Allow my to introduce myself.

I am the Count of Tiretta.

- Charmed, and I am the Countess of Tivulzi.

- Alright then, now we'll see about fixing up that room

I promised you.

Ah, good evening, madame, what can I do for you?

- I believe the countess is in search

of accommodations for the evening

and I'm sure you'll be able to help her.

- Well, as a matter of fact,

I do have a room I could give the lady.

- Oh dear, it's so wet.

- Bless you, I was wondering if perhaps

you could put us up for the night.

- [Man] I'm afraid I only have two rooms, father,

and they're both accounted for.

- Oh, isn't that a shame?

We've rode all the way from Venice in the rain.

- I'd be more than happy to share my accommodation

with the reverend and perhaps the countess

wouldn't mind dividing her room with the young lady here?

- I'd be delighted to.

You say you've come from Venice, father?

What news is there of Casanova's escape?

- Casanova who?

- Why are you interested in that man, countess?

- Oh, my dear count, for the same reason

that every other woman is interested in Casanova.

- Don't you have anything better?

- Just the room on top of this

but I thought the ladies should get that.

I'm sorry but we don't receive many guests like you.

- Wonsie why.

(lips fluttering)

(spring bouncing)

You take this one, you're the monk.

You wouldn't find a place like this in Paris.

No sir, that's a real city, full of erotic fun.

Guy like Casanova would look ridiculous there.

- Casanova who?

- The lover, the famous lover.

- What is it?

- I'd like a room with a maid, I need a bath.

- Well, come in,

we'll see what we can do. - Thank you.

- He's a fake, father, his fame is a soap bubble

kept alive by frustrated women

who would rather invent an affair

than risk ruining their reputation

by supposing Casanova's inability to satisfy them.

- Satisfy them how?

- Ah well, um, take my word for it, father.

I know a lot about these worldly things.

That's why in Paris they call me seefois.

- Seefois, what does that mean?

- It's French for six times.

- Six times what?

- Ah well, um--

(chuckling)

- Oh, a year?

- No father, a night.

- Why?

Can't you get it right the first time?

- Thank you, duchesses,

for allowing me to share the room with you.

- [Woman] Don't mention it.

Like always, (mumbling)

ooh, I'm not used to undressing myself.

Would you help me, uh?

- Rosetta. - Rosetta.

Please undress me.

Have you never undressed a lady before?

- Oh, a lot, you see, I come from a very large family

of sisters. - Oh where's your family from?

- Disneyland.

- You don't seem very good at it.

- She's not a lot of things she seems to be.

(giggling)

- I'd even go as far as that and say

that Casanova's fame is so ambiguous

that anyone could take advantage of it.

- Anyone?

- Maybe not you, father, but almost anyone.

I even bet that if I were to go out

and tell them that I was Casanova,

I'd polish off both of them in no time.

- I wish I had something that I could put up.

- I'd bet anything I own against your worn out tunic.

- Monsieur, I shall accept your wager.

You've got a deal, McNeal.

(light peaceful music)

- Rosetta, would you get my nightgown?

It's in the red bag. - Of course.

Oh yes, excuse me.

(gasping)

- Pss, pss, pss.

- Ladies, please, save a poor fugitive.

I must confess, I cannot hide it any longer.

I am Jacomo Casanova.

- What?

You?

- You're lying.

- I'll show you if I'm lying.

(gasping)

- Oh, let me go, you fiend.

Oh, help!

Help!

- Don't be so pushy, I'll get you next, don't be so pushy.

Hey, I am Casanova.

- I think he lost the bet.

- [Man] Open up in the name of the republic of Venice.

- [Man] What is it?

- [Man] Has anyone stopped in this inn tonight?

- [Man] Why?

- [Man] We're looking for a monk.

(groaning and hitting)

- Oh!

- Show me to his room. - He's up there.

(chuckling)

(laughing)

- Ah, so I finally caught you at last, Mister Casanova.

- Casanova?

I'm not Casanova.

I'm Count Tiretta and I'm on my way to Paris.

- I'm terribly sorry, count.

Actually, I was told that he was wearing a monk's garb

when last seen.

- A monk, huh?

- Well uh, there's his clothes.

He's upstairs with the girls.

- Upstairs with the girls, oh my God.

That's him for sure, come on, aruvaderci!

- Will somebody get this animal off me?

(banging loudly on door)

- Open this door in the name of the republic of Venice!

(shouting) Where is he?

Get up.

(slapping loudly and grunting)

- Might I know what you are doing in my room?

I am the Countess Trivulzi.

- We're looking for a prisoner who's on the run.

- Whom?

- Casanova.

- There's your man.

- No, you're making a mistake.

- A mistake?

But you just said that you were Casanova, right?

Rosetta?

- He certainly did.

- No, please, I'm the Count of Tirreta,

I was on my way to Paris.

- Oh yeah, and I'm Pope Paul, I was on my way to Moscow.

- Yeah, no, please! - Get him outta here.

(shouting)

- Please, this is a mistake,

you've gotta get your hands off me

or you will hear about this, I am on my way to Paris and...

- Psst, psst!

Relax, cavalier, why don't you slip into bed with me?

(light harpsichord music)

She's sleeping.

I know who you are.

- Really?

- I've been waiting for this all my life.

- Oh, really?

- Imagine, sleeping with Jacomo Casanova.

- Oh, he's coming, too?

- Oh, you never give up, do you?

(playful music)

(light dramatic music)

- Your eminence, Jacomo Casanova.

- That's not him, you fool!

- That's not him, you fool.

- That's not him, you fool.

- You're not him, you fool.

- Sure I'm not him, I told you that before.

- But how we're supposed to know that?

We don't know what he looks like.

- But the lady said he was Casanova.

- Lady, what lady?

- The Countess Trivulzi.

We found this man in her chambers, dressed as you see him.

- This man is the Count of Tirreta.

- I'll take these off you gentlemen.

Now, you idiots.

- You idiot, you.

[Narrator] It seems that Jacomino was in great demand

and the Countess Trivulzi,

who also was looking for Casanova,

took him as her hostage to her villa.

(light harpsichord music)

- I can't imagine how you've been waiting

for a nice bath like this.

- Really, oh, I ain't getting in that, whew!

(giggling)

- You've got such a wonderful sense of humor.

Please, step in.

- No, no, no, it's a little too hot for me.

- The water's not that hot.

- Well, some like it hot.

I'm not getting in.

- Burn his clothes.

- Oh wait, just a minute.

My good luck charm.

The other one's in here, too.

- Oh of course, everyone knows that Casanova

is as lucky in gambling as he is in love.

- They do?

Oh, I mean they do.

I mean, I am, yes, lucky in love,

lucky in cards, just plain lucky.

- Marquise of Capafruta is here and with his party.

- Oh, I'm afraid I have to leave you.

Miranda and Sophia will take care of you.

(giggling playfully)

- Oh, oh! - Brace yourselves, woo!

No soap, where is the soap?

(laughing) Where are you going?

Oh, I'm looking for the soap.

Where is the soap?

Funny, you don't look Italian.

(chuckling)

Oh, wonderful, oh God.

(giggling playfully)

You rich people sure know how to live.

(giggling)

- Francesca, what a surprise, welcome.

- Thank you, Aunt Priscilla.

Are you all right?

I mean, have you had any visitors lately?

- Why, as a matter of fact, I have.

You'll never guess who came to visit me.

- Who? - Cecilia.

- Oh, Cecelia.

(chuckling)

I thought Cecelia was in a convent, what happened?

- I'm not sure, she seemed so upset.

She won't tell me anything

but I'm sure she'll confide in you if you give her time.

- Hmm, I'll have to talk with her.

- The Count Tirreta is here to see you.

- Count Tirreta?

I'll be right there.

- Jacomo.

- Francesca. (romantic violin music)

At last, how did you know it was me?

- I have my informers.

- How long has it been now?

- Two years, 10 months, six days,

four hours, and 16 minutes but who's counting?

(moaning)

Jacomo. - Caro.

(moaning) Mi amore.

- Darling.

- Francesca, they're as beautiful as I remember them.

- Ah, I know, my Jacomo, I know.

Why'd you stop?

- You just told me to stop, didn't you?

- Come on, if you always did what women told you to,

you wouldn't be Jacomo Casanova.

- That's right, come my darling.

- There's the bed. - Oh.

- Francesca's here.

Wait, she has a visitor now, a Count Tiretta.

- Tiretta?

Oh my God, we've gotta warn her.

The man's a maniac.

On the trip over here, he tried to rape me.

He even went as far as saying he was Casanova.

- And did he rape you?

- No, the real Casanova saved me.

- And did he rape you?

- Oh no, he was too busy with the Countess Trivulzi.

- Some people have all the fun.

- Jacomo.

- I'm sorry, Francesca.

It's probably those long nights in those cold cells.

- Or in too many warm beds.

- What are you talking about?

- The baker's wife, the prefect's wife,

and whoever it was you spent last night with.

- Oh, somebody's lying to you, it's not true.

- You are the one who's lying.

You could have had the decency

to leave a little of that for me.

- Oh, Francesca.

- Francesca? - Let me try again.

- Yeah? - I have to talk to you.

- Alright. - Please, Francesca,

won't you wait a moment?

My dear, please, give me another chance.

Let me try it again.

After all, nobody's perfect the first time.

- While I'm gone, put some yeast on it.

- [Jacomo] I already did, and a little jam.

- What do you want?

I'm so sorry if I've interrupted something.

- Don't worry, there was nothing to interrupt.

- I just wanted to warn you that the Count of Tiretta

is not what he claims to be.

- What do you mean?

- I mean yesterday he claimed to be Casanova.

It seems that he rushed into the room

of Countess Trivulzi and--

- And he made love to her, right?

- No, he didn't.

The real Casanova did.

- The real Casanova?

- Was she sure?

- It's hard not to be sure about something like that

and he made love to her all night and next day,

he accompanied the countess to her palace and--

- Stop it, I've heard enough, please go now.

- Hmph.

- I hope you have an explanation for what she just said.

- Seems to me that someone is having a great deal of fun

with my name.

- And who might that be?

- The chambermaid, she's the one.

- The what?

(chuckling)

Really, Jacomo, I'm sure you can do better than that.

- Francesca, you don't seem to understand.

You see, the chambermaid was a man.

He, mascquerading as her,

is the only one that could have done it.

Now, all I have to do is to stop her, uhh, him.

Uh, a horse.

- A horse?

- Yes, my kingdom for a horse.

I must go to the villa and stop her, him, immediately.

- If you don't come back with tangible proof,

after what I went through to liberate you,

I'll drag you back to prison with my own hands.

- I'm most anxious to meet your cousin, the Count of Canosa.

- Well, what's keeping the Count of Canosa?

- My dears, I wanted to talk to you about a mutual friend.

You know the Duchess of Amalphi?

I just wanted to tell you...

- They want Casanova, well, they're gonna get Casanova.

(chattering)

- Wait until they find out who he really is.

- Who is he?

- I can't tell you, I promised that I...

Well, if you promise not to tell.

(whispering and giggling)

(gasping)

(whistling)

- Yes.

- Countess Amarilla.

Come, come my dear, come and sit down.

- Oh, my favorite drink.

- Oh, isn't he a darling?

I wish he'd do that to me.

- Excuse me.

Ah, senorena.

Oh, so sorry, please excuse me.

- Hi, I'm the Count of Canosa.

Is this a game of chance?

- Actually, we're rolling dice.

- Dice, aye? - Would you like to try them?

- Ha, well, you see I don't know much about that.

As a child, I was raised in a nunnery.

(chuckling) I mean a seminariny.

- Oh, not bad, ten.

Good number, ten.

- Is the pot right?

- Uh, yeah.

- Oh. - Won again.

- Fantastic.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's your dice.

- There's only one person who has a reputation

for being so lucky at both gambling and love.

- Shh! - Quiet.

- Casanova. (gasping)

- Incredible. - Incredible is right.

- Hey, why don't you four come over here?

Perhaps our luck will change.

- Yes, before he wins the shirts off our backs.

- Of course. - That's a great idea.

Let's bet our clothes.

- You mean strip dice?

- I'll start off by staking the garment

that covers my satiny body against all your gold coins.

- Hmm, me too, agreed, Count Canosa?

- Let me get this straight first.

What you're saying is you wanna bet your gowns

against my gold.

- Mmhmm. - Right, loverboy.

- How much did you pay for it?

- That's not the point.

- Oh, it's not?

- If you win, you get to see what's under it.

- Oh, a surprise, agreed.

- And I bet my gown, too.

- I stake my snuff box.

- And I stake my sword.

- And I stake my waterproof watch.

- And I stake my broach.

- Oh, broach, now let me get this straight.

Now, we've got a sword, we've got a waterproof watch,

a snuff box, a broach,

one, two, three dresses, is that right?

Okay gang, you're on, who wants to go first, you?

- Let me. - Go on, lucky, go ahead.

(playful music)

Thank you, okay, what's next?

- Me. - Me.

- Me. - And me.

- Hold it, count.

(gasping)

- Good evening.

Arete, look down.

- Why, all the fun's over there.

- Arete.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope we're disturbing you,

no I mean, I don't hope we're not disturbing you.

I mean, I hope you understand what I mean.

- [Woman] No, what's the meaning of this unjust

and vile intrusion?

- Shh!

- [Man] Does the countess remember a certain monk?

- [Countess] I remember many monks, so what?

- We have reason to believe that this particular monk

is Casanova in disguise, countess, and that now,

he's pretending to be the Count of--

- Tiretta.

- Tiretta.

- I'm sorry, sergeant, but I have not seen the priest

since yesterday.

- Nor do we know who your Count of Tiretta is.

- The only outsider in this house is the Count Canosa.

You can have him if you want.

- No, thank you.

- Is that all, sergeant?

- Of course, of course.

Please, if you would like to continue

with what you were doing.

- Oh, wait for me!

(laughing)

- The ladies seem to be in a hurry to pay their debts.

I wish I'd been this lucky before.

- How come we have two pairs of dice now?

- Gentlemen, we've been screwed.

Come out, you swindler.

Come out, you coward!

Come out and fight if you're a man.

- Casanova, please, don't turn me in.

It wasn't my fault.

I didn't claim to be you, it was all these women

who said that I was you.

(chuckling)

- Thought you were me, how ridiculous.

- [Man] Come here, you shit, come on!

- That man is calling you,

go out there and fight. - Where are you, Casanova?

- [Jacomo] What do you think you've got that sword for?

- Well, it came with the costume.

I wouldn't know how to use it, anyway.

- Nevermind, I've got some use for you, anyway.

- [Man] Coward!

- That does it.

- No, don't go.

If anything happens to you, what's gonna happen to me?

- I must defend my name.

- Casanova where are you? - On guard!

- Who are you?

- You're not the man with the dice.

- [Woman] Casanova?

- I'll give you three guesses.

- Zorro.

(trumpets blaring)

- That's one.

- Nathaniel, ha!

- That's two.

- Count of Monte Cristo.

- You're wrong, you're out.

I am Jacomo Casanova.

- Casanova? - Yes.

- Then who was the other guy?

- My double, ha!

(trumpets blaring) (swords clanking)

- Casanova, go get him, Casanova.

(grunting)

- Are you alright? - Fine.

- It's been a great pleasure fencing with Casanova.

- Mine, as well.

My dear friend, if you're ever in Venice,

please, look me up again, won't you?

- I will indeed.

- Please.

- Oh, Naples. - Yes.

- Now then, aruvaderci, good bye.

Hold on there, you peasant, just moment.

Wait, what is your name?

- Jacomino. - Jacomino, what a

stupid name, come along, let's go, let's go.

- Lies, lies, lies, they're all lies.

- No, your highness, everything has been proved

beyond any reasonable doubt.

- You mean to tell me that Casanova

was locked in a room with three nuns and a monk

and nothing happened?

- Absolutely, even the monk had no complaints.

- Let me tell you something.

If I was to offer my body and he proved to be a eunuch,

I'd make sure he stayed one.

- Really?

Your highness, we'd be doing the family planning board

of Venice a great favor if we secured

that scoundrel's impotence.

(chuckling)

By the way, how exactly were you planning to do it?

- We have men in our followings that are expert

at creating eunuchs.

Unfortunately, senator, my own informers

have come up with quite the opposite information

about your man, Casanova.

- But, but-- - We also have tangible proof

and witnesses, for instance,

Beatrice, the baker's wife, Jessamine, the prefect's wife,

the Countess Trivulzi, the Countess Sardinia,

the actress, Fearabella...

- [Jacomino] Believe me, your duchesness,

I did it to all those women.

- [Duchess] You must be a fantastic man.

- [Jacomino] That's hardly the word for it.

- [Francesca] And the Countess Trivulzi?

- What are you doing here?

- Oh me, nothing.

- Don't lie to me.

You wanna know who those

two mysterious cavaliers are, don't you?

- But I already know who they are.

- One of them's Casanova, right?

- Right.

- Which one's that?

- [Woman] The one on the left.

- And the other one?

- Well, that's just some poor fugitive

who says he's Casanova.

I helped him once out of pity.

- So you see, my dear Francesca,

it was he who made it with the Contessa.

I wasn't even there, you see, she thought it was me.

- Save your energy, Jacomo.

I've heard a lot of tall tales in my day

but this one really tops them.

Both your stories are as flimsy as your self respect.

- My dear madame, my self respect is as intact

as it's ever been.

- Really?

- Really.

- You had me fooled.

- I hope you two are good friends.

You may be sharing the same cell for quite some time.

- Francesca...

- You think she means it?

- Francesca's not accustomed to making idle threats.

- Well then, you've gotta stop her.

- But how?

- What do you mean how?

You're Casanova.

If you don't know how to make love to a woman, who does?

- Uh, I must confess, you see,

my lips, my eyes, my mind, they function perfectly.

It's, ha ha ha, just that I can't get the rest of me

to, um, cooperate.

- You mean?

- Yes, I'm afraid so.

- Not even a little bit?

- Like a fish out of water.

- Uh, boy, have we got trouble.

Wait a minute.

I could take your place.

(chuckling)

You take, we don't even look alike, it wouldn't work.

She knows me too well, besides,

we don't even use the same toothpaste.

- When the lights are low,

we could be mistaken for each other.

- Do you really think so?

- Sure.

- Well, in the darkness, you could sneak into the bed

and change your voice like this and say

"You're the most beautiful woman in the world,

"such magnificent hair, such radiant eyes,

"such beautiful breasts, such beautiful thighs.

"I can wait no longer, I love you, I love you, I love you."

- I wouldn't turn you down.

Can I use some of your toothpaste?

(light guitar music)

- You must tell me, Cecilia.

The happiness of my life depends upon it.

I know there was a young woman in the room of that inn.

Was it you?

- Yes but there was also another man there,

dressed as a chambermaid.

- Was he that no-good scoundrel

that went around saying he was Casanova?

- Oh no, he was dressed up as a monk.

- Then it was Casanova in your room.

The lying bastard,

I'll teach him to make fun of me like this.

- Oh no, please. - Darling,

why don't you go and tell the servants

to go and prepare me a bath?

- Oh, but-- - I'll join you later.

I want you to sleep in my room tonight.

- [Woman] And where are you going to sleep?

- In your room. - But why?

- I doubt whether I'd be able to resist him

so I want him to find you there instead of me.

- You mean he'll have the right door but the wrong person?

- Right, and that will be my revenge.

- [Woman] Sweet revenge.

(laughing)

(knocking on wood)

(grunting)

- Okay, we'll wait right here.

I want everyone to be on the alert.

(knocking on door)

- Yes?

- Chevalliase, it's me, Cecilia.

- Cecilia, come in, Cecilia.

(gasping) No, no, no, no, no,

stay for a while, stay.

- There's no time.

I thought Casanova was here.

Well look, look, could you tell him,

say that Francesca was--

- You beast.

- Oh, Francesca, I was just taking her temperature.

- It's enough that you'd seduce half the married women

of Venice, but you also go as far as corrupting

innocent little virgins in my own house.

- Francesca, please, you must at least let me explain.

- There's nothing to explain.

- But I--

(door slams) (lock clicking)

Francesca, open this door or I'll faint!

- [Woman] Casanova, Casanova, Casanova!

(knocking on door) (gasping)

What is it?

- Priscilla, you can go back to your room now.

Casanova is not coming here tonight.

- What do you mean?

He's here right now.

- You must be dreaming.

I just locked him in his room.

- And who do you think this is?

The hunchback of Notre Dame?

- Well, what are you doing here?

(groaning loudly)

- I'm looking for a shoemaker.

(distant crying)

(sobbing)

Shh.

(light dramatic music)

- Francesca, let me explain.

You're under the wrong window.

Cecilia's window is further down.

- But I want to be with you.

- Then why did you send your charming friend in your place?

We don't wanna be disturbed now, right, Jacomino?

- Jacomino?

Francesca, please, let me in.

I've got to use the toilet.

- I wouldn't dream of it.

(gasping) (dramatic music)

- Jacomo.

- I'm not Jacomo, I'm Jacomino and I'm not Casanova.

- I don't care who you are.

All I know is that I love you.

(romantic violin music)

- [Jacomino] You're the most beautiful woman,

wonderful hair, radiant eyes,

magnificent breasts, beautiful thighs.

I can't wait any longer, I must have you now, I love you.

I love you, I love you.

- Oh, I'm so happy, so happy.

- Jacomo Casanova.

- In the name of the republic of Venice,

I order you to stop fornicating.

Mr. Jacomo Casanova, consider yourself under arrest.

What are you doing there?

- Fornicating.

- Hop out of there and get dressed.

Arete, look the other way, turn around!

- Ha ha.

- I know of only one man as quick as that

at drawing a sword and he's that man.

Excuse me.

- But he's innocent.

(gasping)

- Just move an inch and I'll blow your nose off for you.

In the name of the republic of Venice, you, Casanova,

are under arrest.

(chuckling)

- No, please, no, no!

Oh, Jacomino!

But he's not Casanova, believe me.

- I know.

- Well, why didn't you say something?

- Well, because I love the other one

and I've treated him unjustly.

- Oh, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

- Francesca! (gasping)

(romantic violin music)

- Can you ever forgive me?

- I just wanted to prove my love.

- Come with me then.

You can prove it to me right now.

- At last, we have him, we have him!

- Who?

- Your loverboy.

- I don't know what you're so upset about.

Any other man would have been happy to know

that his wife was worthy of Casanova's attention.

- I suppose you'd like me to go ahead and thank him.

- Yes, thank him for doing something

that you seem to have forgotten all about.

- And just what is that?

- You see, you don't even know what I'm talking about.

- Of course I do, and let me tell you this,

my little cream puff, when we're through with him,

he won't be able to bother anybody else's wife.

- Oh no, you can't do that.

It's against the law.

- Against our laws but I don't wish to reveal

any state secrets but he's wanted by an Oriental power

who'd be more than willing to do the job for us.

- You can't cut them off, they're beautiful.

(chuckling)

- Don't worry, my pet, I'll have them bronzed

and given to you for your birthday

so you can wear them as earrings.

(laughing)

- Oh!

- I always knew you were the best.

- Shows you what a little yeast can do for you.

- Yeah, two jars of Geritol.

Boy, am I glad I didn't let them take you away.

- Away, where, back to jail?

- No, to the bedroom of the Calipha of Shiraz.

- Calipha?

What does she want from me?

- Well, what every woman desires.

(chuckling)

You know, they made a big international affair out of you?

- Oh, really?

- No Casanova, no oil.

- Hmm, I had no idea that my stock had risen so high

in the world market.

- Dell'Acqua even promised to give you your freedom

in return for this little service.

- Hmm, perhaps I ought to take him up on it.

- Mm-mm, you won't have to.

Jacomino's doing it for you.

- Jacomino?

(laughing)

Takes one to know one.

- You've done it again, you've brought me the wrong one.

Oh, get this idiot out of here.

I'm tired of looking at his stupid face.

- Don't bother, your horseness, I'm on my way.

- Stop, bring him to the dungeons.

- Dungeons? - Yes, you're the man

who slept with my wife. - What?

- That's enough to give you 15 years in jail.

- Oh, but...

- I'll make it 10, I've already sentenced you to 42

and that makes resisting arrest brings it up to 60

and another 15-- (shouting loudly)

- Yes, but which one?

- Him!

- But what makes you believe that this is Casanova?

- Oh, who else could have given me such a great performance?

- Ah, an unforgettable adventure.

- [Woman] Night to remember.

- Free Casanova, free Casanova, free Casanova!

- Let me see, this man will be free tomorrow

if he performs one last service to the republic tonight.

(dramatic music)

- A numerous amount of women,

even from the tiers of aristocracy,

confirm that this is Casanova.

I suggest that we give them our faith

and present this man to the Calipha.

- Well, Fulcenzo,

you realize this is an act of treason?

- But your eminence, this is our last chance.

We have to get the Caliph to sign the oil contract.

- Oh, I see.

I guess in this case, we could call it diplomacy

instead of treason.

- How wise of you, your eminence.

So tonight, when the moon is high in the sky...

- Before the moon goes any place,

I demand an unconditional pardon for Casanova.

- Never, never, no, no, no, no.

(chattering)

- Never, never.

- Well then, I suggest

that the doge go handle his own action.

- Alright, you win.

The real Casanova will be pardoned immediately.

- And 2,000 scooty for me and an MG?

- Granted.

- Okay. - Two thousand scooty?

I'm glad you're willing to risk your manhood for so little.

- And what do you mean by that?

- Well you see, my boy, if you fail...

- Now look what you did.

How do you expect me to perform if you scare it to death?

- Vincenzo, why don't you talk to it, hmm?

- Oh, perhaps if we offered you more money?

- Money, no amount of money's gonna straighten it out.

- Perhaps I have an idea, Vincenzo.

- Jessamina, you walk in there like that

and you can forget about coming home tonight.

- Don't be so upset.

Don't you know I'm sacrificing myself for my country?

They should build me a monument, to Jessamina,

the heroic Venetian who had to bend in the end.

(light dramatic music)

- The moon has risen.

- That's the only thing that's risen.

Please, put me in jail

but don't send me in there with that infidel.

- Stop, he's innocent.

He's not Casanova.

- [Fulcenzo] Quiet, you fool!

- What are you muttering about?

Of course he is.

- The child doesn't know what she's talking about.

- My darling.

How terrible for them to torture you like this.

- Yes.

- With all those nude women. - Yes.

- Tell them, tell them you're not Casanova.

- I'll arrest her. - You won't arrest anybody.

I'll get you your royal contract.

- Your excellency, the one and only Jacomo Casanova.

- Shut up, you idiot.

- The time has come for this man

to come to the aid of his country.

I've taken advantage of your virility long enough.

Calipha wants Casanova,

(chuckling)

and Casanova she shall get.

(light dramatic music)

- What a swell guy, no wonder he's a star.

- Why doesn't she want to see me?

- You tell him. - You tell him.

- You tell him. - You tell him.

- I'll tell him.

I don't know.

- You don't know?

Ooh, ooh, in the name of Allah,

who am I going to play my backgammon with?

- Backgammon? - Yes.

- Uh, I'll play backgammon with you, come here.

- Well, what's the matter, darling?

- Um, I don't like the left side.

I much prefer the right side.

- Well, does it make that much difference?

- Well, now that you mention it, it does, yes.

- Well, I'm not used to the left side, either.

- Well, you must remember, my dear, I am your guest.

- Better now?

- Much.

- Ah! (mumbling)

- You are going to-- - You're absolutely right.

(grunting)

(whistling)

(mumbling)

Oh, really?

- Now what?

- Um, that perfume you're wearing?

- It's rose oil.

- I hate it, nothing personal.

Maybe it's popular in Shiraz but here in Venice,

why, it's a little too strong.

We usually mix it with-- - Oh, shut up!

- Ah! (groaning)

- [Caliph] It's not fair, you won all my jewelry.

Now all I have left to gamble is my kingdom of Shiraz.

- It was magnificent, glorious, my beautiful Francesca.

- Francesca?

Francesca?

- [Jacomina] You've got a bet.

And throw with your elephant convertible.

- Stop, Akhmed, I order you not to sign.

- Oh! (mumbling)

- You're a little late, your caliphness.

The oil contract is mine.

(mumbling)

- Correction, it belongs to the republic of Venice.

- Oh yeah? - That is,

if you value your freedom.

- The deed is done, aruvaderci.

(chuckling)

- And what about my pal, Casanova?

Well, I got you the oil contract, what do you say, okay?

- Alright. - Great.

- I'll give him his freedom. - Great.

- What I'd like is that when you write your memoirs, you'd--

- No one will ever know

unless they see the movie.

(upbeat lighthearted music)

- [Narrator] And that is where Jacomino

finally ceased to muscle in on Casanova's act.

By the way, if you're ever in the neighborhood,

why not look him up?

His address is Caliph Jacomino Akhmed Mustafa,

The Imperial Palace, Shiraz.

- Vincenzio, try these out in Vegas when you get a chance.

(light upbeat music)

(upbeat comical music)