Original subtitles

(PAM IMITATES BABY WHINING) LANA: Stop.

Stop it! Pam!

(CONTINUES WHINING)

Give me! Give me! (WHINING) Give me!

God damm it, will you calm the shit down?

Wow.

Well? This isn't good practice,

my baby's not gonna be a coke addict!

Wow.

Oh, I'm sorry. What would you like to call it?

Mmm. Cocaine enthusiast?

Is it too late to not have it?

Yes! For the jillionth time, I want this baby, so...

Well, sure, now.

Wait until you're waist deep in dirty diapers,

or he's up with the croup and there's no bourbon in the house.

(COUGHS) Ugh!

Then fast forward to him knocking up the au pair,

flunking out of college,

and then single-handedly bankrupting your drug cartel!

Wait, college?

Yeah, right?

My point is...

All babies should be drowned?

Not all babies. Just baby people.

Don't you have a tractor pull to headline?

Yes. No!

Aw... No more of that bush league nonsense.

We're getting Cherlene a record deal.

Sterling can't screw that up.

Look, I think, maybe Archer's just been trying too hard.

Ha! I'm serious.

I mean, as sad as it is,

deep down he just wants your approval,

and lately you've been putting so much pressure on him.

Well, how hard is it to sell 2,000 measly pounds of cocaine?

Or whatever we're down to now, 1,900 and...

What? (ALL GASP)

Pam, you damn coke fiend! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(LAUGHING) Malory, stop!

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS) I mean, did you used to be a man?

Pam? I don't know, did you?

Have you been stealing coke?

What? No!

You think if I had 100 pounds of coke

I'd be sitting here playing choo-choo-spoon with a tranny?

Oh, for the... I'm pregnant!

It said, baffling medical science.

Ah! (LAUGHING) MALORY: Enough!

But Pam, I swear to God, if I find out you're lying to me...

I'm not! About this!

Well, then where the hell did it go?

ALL: Oh. You were serious?

ARCHER: Yes! RAY: No!

Stop! Archer! Give me!

Move your... Stop it! Ray! Let me do it!

ARCHER: Come on! Just fora minute! No!

God damm it! What could go wrong?

Uh... You could crash it!

Just like you crashed the damn space shuttle!

Oh, my God, right? (CHUCKLES) Remember that?

Ray, you remember? You got paralyzed?

(LAUGHS)

How do you not remember that?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)

ARCHER: Oh, my God, Cyril, for the...

We're not just waltzing into Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine.

We're sneaking in, under the radar.

Literally, and figuratively.

Is there a name for that? When it's both?

Like in French or something?

I meant once we get there, your plan is to just ask around for...

La Madrina, yes, the Godmother.

I know what it means.

I hate I took Latin.

Maybe someday you'll meet a mummy.

But what do you think is going to happen

when three gringos waltz in

and start asking around for the woman who runs the entire Cali cartel?

Well, again, Cyril, we won't actually be waltzing...

You know what I mean!

I also know what I'm doing!

Yeah, showing mommy who's a big boy!

What? Oh, you want to see who's a big boy? (LAUGHS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

RAY: Archer!

Take it back!

Cyril! Help!

Uh... Uh... Oh!

Ow!

Ow! I don't know where Archer is!

Then find him, you bearded buffoon!

Use the surveillance satellite!

Oh. You were serious?

Don't ask her that, she hates it.

ISIS had satellites.

The, whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn't Sell Coke Straight

doesn't even have cable.

But? What about all these?

They're all aimed inside the house.

Well, what the hell good is that for?

I'm making about 2 grand a month on the Gilfcam.

ALL: Ew! The what cam?

What is your...

(MUMBLING)

Hmm.

Dear, Gilf-hound-69...

ARCHER: Jesus Christ.

Thanks for the concussion, dicks.

CYRIL AND RAY: Well?

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING) Oh, and, just so you know,

that's exactly how Len Koenecke died.

(ENGINE STARTING) Who?

"Who?" Typical.

(BOTH YELLING)

(BRAYING)

God damm it! Will you slow the shit down?

(RAY AND CYRIL YELLING)

I'm sorry, was there a question?

(BOTH GROANING)

Because nobody made you two come here.

(BOTH SNORING) I didn't put a gun to your heads.

I mean, not literally to your heads.

So, if you'll hide your vaginas

it's time to gather some intel.

Intel? No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.

Don't worry, I won't!

Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers,

doesn't really compare to helping

overthrow democratically elected governments!

Like the US did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua.

Uh... Oh! Iran!

Because, spoiler alert, those didn't really work out so great!

But that's okay because I'm pinning my hopes for the future

on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles

to that ragtag bunch of mujahedeen heroes in Afghanistan!

I... Wow.

It seems like you've actually given this some thought.

Plus, I mean, it's not like we're selling cocaine to little kids.

And ISIS did do a lot of bad stuff.

He blew up an oil pipeline.

Not to mention a bunch of people,

which, compared to that, this is kind of a victimless crime.

If it even is a crime. I mean, is it?

He said, sucking at being a lawyer.

I'm actually an excellent lawyer.

And I'm excellent in the field, so...

(SCOFFS) Maybe in ISIS.

But on ISIS missions, you had big dossiers

with all the information you could possibly need.

Yeah, but I never read 'em.

(MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

What's up, pendejos?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) Goddamn Latin!

Just feel like such a tourist.

MALORY: Colombia?

What are they doing in Colombia?

I... And how did you know where they were?

I thought you couldn't track them!

Ray posted a Snacklesnap.

It's where you take artsy photos of your food

and share it with people?

Snacklesnaps is awesome!

Look, here's some cocaine pudding.

Here's some more cocaine pudding. Ooh.

Cocaine pudding!

Why would anyone want a picture of someone else's food?

Well, no, they don't.

Yeah. Everybody hates it.

(SINGING) Snacklesnaps

But why take cocaine to Colombia?

I assume as a sample?

To show some cartel boss that our product is high quality

and already in the States?

Saving them the transport cost.

But those three, waltzing around Colombia

with millions of dollars of cocaine!

My God, they could already be dead!

Oh... Malory, come on, this is Archer, okay? He can take care of himself.

Yeah, and I doubt they were actually waltzing.

I'm sure they're totally fine.

Archer!

(WHOOPING)

(MEN CHEERING)

Here's to you, Hal Needham! (MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

(MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Man, why bother with coke?

I just made 100,000 pesos for jumping through a stupid window.

Yeah, that's about $50. (GLASS BREAKING)

Still, though.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(MUSIC STOPS) (MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)

(JUKE BOX PLAYING)

You look for The Godmother?

Yes, for a very lucrative business proposition.

Do you know her, or...

No. But I can make a phone call and someone will come.

Until then, just keep drinking your guaro, huh.

About 15 steps ahead of you.

(LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hmm? See what I did there?

Overdosed on liquid snake?

Made a connection, Cyril. I gained his trust.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Oh, my God! Although now that you mention it,

(BURPS) I think I actually may have..-...

(VOMITS) Oh, God!

...snake poisoning.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Dammit, Archer! I told you! What's that?

I can't hear you over the sound of, "I have snake poisoning!"

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(GROANING)

Well, it's your own fault. What the...

What are you... Shh!

Shut up! I think I heard a troop truck pull up out front!

(DOOR SLAMS OPEN) (MEN SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

(GASPS)

It's the army!

Shit. It's not the army, we're not that lucky.

They're paramilitarios.

But, what are they...

Hey! What are you doing?

Waiting for you, and to be honest,

having second thoughts about it.

RAY: Serious shit, come on!

(BANGING ON DOOR) (YELPS)

(YELLS) (LAUGHS)

(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

(WHIMPERS)

Okay, Ray... Who are these paramilitarios?

Either heroic vigilantes trying to restore law and order

because the cops can't or won't.

That doesn't sound too bad.

Or right wing terrorists with a boner for kidnapping and murder.

That does. Moot point though, really,

if you're an American down here selling cocaine.

I can't believe that guy ratted us out.

Yeah, and after you made a connection?

Now? Really? Well?

Shut up.

Ray, hug the shadows, get to the Land Cruiser and be ready.

Don't turn it on. Do not touch the brake pedal.

Cyril, I'm gonna take out the guard,

you're going to take the truck's distributor cap.

Got it? Uh...

(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH) (ALL WHIMPERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING) (SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

ARCHER: Okay! Go, go, go!

But...

Look, I realize this is somewhat my fault Cyril.

We can talk about it later.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(TRUCK DOOR CREAKING) (GASPS)

(CLICKS)

So, funny story...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

So, hey... Sorry in advance for this.

(GROANS)

Cyril! Did you get it?

Yes! Then come on!

Hit it!

(ENGINE STARTS) Cyril!

I'm coming as fast as I can!

Guys, we really need to talk about

getting phrasing back in rotation.

(WHOOPING)

Hammer down!

ARCHER: Oh, I'm sorry, Ray.

By hammer I meant accelerator.

It's floored! And it's overheating!

Well then stop, you idiot!

I am not the idiot who packed the engine compartment full of cocaine!

Oh, right. We should get that out.

Good idea.

That'll give us something to do

while we sit here and wait for those guys to drive up and murder us.

Ray, they're not driving anywhere

without a distributor cap,so...

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Cyril, may I see the distributor cap?

(GULPS)

(CHUCKLES) Phew.

Man, Cyril, you had me worried.

I did?

Yeah, see, I always worried I would die without knowing how it felt to

get my throat slashed

and my tongue yanked out through the gaping hole.

Are we seriously done with phrasing?

I mean not right then, necessarily,

although tongue and gaping hole were kind of begging for it.

(CHUCKLES)

Gaping hole, begging for it...

Ah...

Drop your weapon!

Drop your weapons!

(SPEAKING SPANISH) RAY: Archer!

Are you crazy? They'll kill us!

Will you shut up? I know what I'm doing, Cyril.

It's all about machismo!

Last chance! Okay.

(COUNTING IN SPANISH)

(SHOUTS IN SPANISH)

CYRIL: What in the...

I told you. All about the machismo!

RAY: Archer. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Archer. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Archer! What?

Oh!

CYRIL: Is that the army?

I don't think so.

One guy's wearing a t-shirt from a Phi Mu Fun Run.

RAY: We called 'em Phi Moo.

CYRIL: Well, then who the hell is it?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

And I think you have been looking for me, no?

Only my whole life.

God damm it.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

And you, guapo, you follow me.

Oh. Yeah, uh, about that...

So, I have a question.

Since we're now essentially captives of the Cali cartel

and being dragged off to God knows what terrible fate,

why the hell are you smiling?

A, we're not their captives,

we're about to be their business partners.

B, I bet there's a pretty decent chance La Madrina owns a tiger.

And, C, guapo means handsome.

(EXHALES)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES) It's your mother. What?

Give me that.

"Putting pressure on him"?

If anything I've been too lax,

but, please, let me benefit

from your vast experience as a mother, and...

RAY: Hey!

Hello, Ray? Put Sterling on the...

RAY: Damn it, Archer! Give it... ARCHER: Give it! Yes!

Ray... I'm serious.

I'm serious. Archer, cut it out!

ARCHER: Give it! Dammit, give it here! (TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPS) Sterling?

(BEEPING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: The voice mailbox of...

(ARCHER LAUGHING)

...is full. Goodbye.

(GROWLS)

If you're satisfied with your voicemail greeting, press one.

(CHUCKLES) How did you...

Remember that day I took your falafel

and you were chasing me all around

the living room in your wheelchair?

Yes. Yeah, so I recorded that,

added some sound effects, mixed it,

called my phone and left it as a message,

stole your phone, got into the voicemail settings,

called your phone from a landline

and played the message from my phone,

then put your phone back.

Which I think is why it sounds a little compressed, but whatever.

Shut up, we're here. And remember,

I got dibs on the tiger.

Well, I have to admit, Mr. Archer,

your proposal is very surprising.

Not as surprising as somebody named

The Godmother looking like you.

(GIGGLES)

Really. And what were you expecting?

I guess like a Mexican Mrs. Garrett?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Or Colombian, or whatever, I...

(SHUSHING) You talk almost too much.

But you have aroused my curiosity.

Just your curiosity?

(CHUCKLES)

No.

(COUGHING)

But first business then pleasure.

(COUGHING)

Javier. Sí, Madrina?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

If it is as pure as you say, and you have as much as you say...

Oh, my God, we've got something, like, 900,000 kilos.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Wait, no, that's grams, so...

So 900 kilos.

However many are in a shit-ton.

(JAVIER SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

A toast then. To new friends.

Just friends?

No.

(COUGHING)

So, shall we have sex?

(COUGHING)

(YAWNING)

Man!

How is it noon?

And where the heck is Archer?

I assume bothering a tiger.

Oh, God.

Please.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, my God.

Aw... Are you sure?

I was sure three hours ago. And back then I could still feel my legs.

Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?

Not without a blood transfusion, no.

(SIGHS) Very well. ARCHER: Ow!

Which is why you don't bother tigers.

Then you may call me

Coronel Ana Maria Delgado, de la Policía Nacional!

What? (SPEAKING SPANISH)

l am, how you say, deep cover.

(WHISTLES)

Wait, no! No, no, no.

At least let me take some churros!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

As if American demand for cocaine wasn't already destroying us,

now you even try to smuggle it into my country?

You make me sick!

Then why'd you have sex with me?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

How dare he do that? How could this have happened?

So, I get that you're mad,

but they are in pretty dangerous territory (MUTTERING)

and Ray always answers his phone in the field.

So I'm actually worried.

Well, if you're so worried

why don't you go down there and rescue him?

I... Please?

(SNIFFLES) Go find my son and bring him home to me.

ARCHER: And I didn't even get to meet her tiger.

If she even had a tiger.

Plus at this rate we're going to run out of coke, huh?

Now there's a moot point.

Since we're being trucked off to La Culebra,

the most notorious prison in South America.

Notorious, Cyril, please, I was in the Lubyanka.

Well, were you sent there by an undercover cop

who knows she'll be murdered if anyone finds out she's La Madrina?

No, idiot, l was... Oh.

Yeah. So how long do you think we're going to last in prison?

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

If we even make it to prison!

Am I right, fellas? Fellas, am I right?

Guys, if we get out of this,

the first thing I'm going to do, I swear to God...

If you say buy a tiger

we will beat you to death with your own shoes.

Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)