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1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:03,546
(PAM IMITATES BABY WHINING)
LANA: Stop.
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,472
Stop it! Pam!
3
00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:07,094
(CONTINUES WHINING)
4
00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:10,144
Give me! Give me!
(WHINING) Give me!
5
00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:12,813
God damm it, will you
calm the shit down?
6
00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:13,931
Wow.
7
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,857
Well?
This isn't good practice,
8
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,731
my baby's not
gonna be a coke addict!
9
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:18,936
Wow.
10
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,068
Oh, I'm sorry. What would
you like to call it?
11
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,569
Mmm. Cocaine enthusiast?
12
00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:26,198
Is it too late
to not have it?
13
00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:29,951
Yes! For the jillionth time,
I want this baby, so...
14
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,532
Well, sure, now.
15
00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:34,118
Wait until you're waist
deep in dirty diapers,
16
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:37,831
or he's up with the croup and
there's no bourbon in the house.
17
00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:39,711
(COUGHS) Ugh!
18
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,877
Then fast forward to him
knocking up the au pair,
19
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,177
flunking out of college,
20
00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:48,349
and then single-handedly
bankrupting your drug cartel!
21
00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:49,846
Wait, college?
22
00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:50,926
Yeah, right?
23
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,306
My point is...
24
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,434
All babies
should be drowned?
25
00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:57,729
Not all babies.
Just baby people.
26
00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:00,402
Don't you have a tractor
pull to headline?
27
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:01,979
Yes.
No!
28
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:05,399
Aw... No more of that
bush league nonsense.
29
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:08,110
We're getting
Cherlene a record deal.
30
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,578
Sterling can't
screw that up.
31
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:13,453
Look, I think, maybe Archer's
just been trying too hard.
32
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:14,749
Ha!
I'm serious.
33
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,452
I mean, as sad as it is,
34
00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,458
deep down he just
wants your approval,
35
00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:21,086
and lately you've been putting
so much pressure on him.
36
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:25,761
Well, how hard is it to sell
2,000 measly pounds of cocaine?
37
00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:29,431
Or whatever we're down
to now, 1,900 and...
38
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,598
What?
(ALL GASP)
39
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:34,304
Pam, you damn coke fiend!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
40
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,933
(LAUGHING)
Malory, stop!
41
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:37,356
(GRUNTS)
42
00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:40,435
(SIGHS) I mean,
did you used to be a man?
43
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,485
Pam?
I don't know, did you?
44
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:43,653
Have you been
stealing coke?
45
00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:44,776
What? No!
46
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,402
You think if I had
100 pounds of coke
47
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,109
I'd be sitting here playing
choo-choo-spoon with a tranny?
48
00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:51,786
Oh, for the...
I'm pregnant!
49
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:54,285
It said,
baffling medical science.
50
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:55,911
Ah! (LAUGHING)
MALORY: Enough!
51
00:01:56,366 --> 00:02:00,212
But Pam, I swear to God, if I
find out you're lying to me...
52
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,289
I'm not! About this!
53
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,965
Well, then where
the hell did it go?
54
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:06,009
ALL: Oh. You were serious?
55
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,961
ARCHER: Yes!
RAY: No!
56
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,638
Stop! Archer!
Give me!
57
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,932
Move your... Stop it!
Ray! Let me do it!
58
00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:14,552
ARCHER: Come on! Just fora minute!
No!
59
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,478
God damm it!
What could go wrong?
60
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:17,850
Uh... You could crash it!
61
00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,727
Just like you crashed
the damn space shuttle!
62
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:23,401
Oh, my God, right? (CHUCKLES)
Remember that?
63
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:26,898
Ray, you remember?
You got paralyzed?
64
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,573
(LAUGHS)
65
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,286
How do you
not remember that?
66
00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:35,364
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
66
00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:50,205
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
67
00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,616
ARCHER: Oh, my God,
Cyril, for the...
68
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:18,370
We're not just waltzing into
Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine.
69
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,667
We're sneaking in,
under the radar.
70
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,744
Literally,
and figuratively.
71
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,251
Is there a name for that?
When it's both?
72
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,003
Like in French or something?
73
00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:31,132
I meant once we get there, your
plan is to just ask around for...
74
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,555
La Madrina,
yes, the Godmother.
75
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:34,882
I know what it means.
76
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,057
I hate I took Latin.
77
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,430
Maybe someday
you'll meet a mummy.
78
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:38,726
But what do you
think is going to happen
79
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,179
when three
gringos waltz in
80
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:44,062
and start asking around for the woman
who runs the entire Cali cartel?
81
00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:46,439
Well, again, Cyril, we won't
actually be waltzing...
82
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:47,610
You know what I mean!
83
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,154
I also know
what I'm doing!
84
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,776
Yeah, showing mommy
who's a big boy!
85
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:53,985
What? Oh, you want to see
who's a big boy? (LAUGHS)
86
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:55,990
(ALL SCREAMING)
87
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,163
RAY: Archer!
88
00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,781
Take it back!
89
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:02,459
Cyril! Help!
90
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,787
Uh... Uh... Oh!
91
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:06,921
Ow!
92
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,588
Ow! I don't know
where Archer is!
93
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,170
Then find him,
you bearded buffoon!
94
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,632
Use the
surveillance satellite!
95
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,809
Oh. You were serious?
96
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,727
Don't ask her that,
she hates it.
97
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,600
ISIS had satellites.
98
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:25,603
The, whatever we are, Gang Who
Couldn't Sell Coke Straight
99
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:27,104
doesn't even have cable.
100
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:28,481
But? What about all these?
101
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,107
They're all aimed
inside the house.
102
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,315
Well, what the hell
good is that for?
103
00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,570
I'm making about 2 grand
a month on the Gilfcam.
104
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:36,656
ALL: Ew!
The what cam?
105
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,779
What is your...
106
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,489
(MUMBLING)
107
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:41,573
Hmm.
108
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,877
Dear, Gilf-hound-69...
109
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,791
ARCHER: Jesus Christ.
110
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:49,707
Thanks for
the concussion, dicks.
111
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,791
CYRIL AND RAY: Well?
112
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,251
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
Oh, and, just so you know,
113
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,587
that's exactly how
Len Koenecke died.
114
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:55,966
(ENGINE STARTING)
Who?
115
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,514
"Who?" Typical.
116
00:04:57,589 --> 00:04:58,761
(BOTH YELLING)
117
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,473
(BRAYING)
118
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,064
God damm it!
Will you slow the shit down?
119
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,269
(RAY AND CYRIL YELLING)
120
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,148
I'm sorry,
was there a question?
121
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,232
(BOTH GROANING)
122
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,609
Because nobody made
you two come here.
123
00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:19,570
(BOTH SNORING) I didn't
put a gun to your heads.
124
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:23,206
I mean, not literally
to your heads.
125
00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,918
So, if you'll
hide your vaginas
126
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,711
it's time to
gather some intel.
127
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:32,917
Intel? No, do not compare what
we do now to intelligence work.
128
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,467
Don't worry, I won't!
129
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:37,422
Because selling cocaine
to cocaine dealers,
130
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:38,972
doesn't really
compare to helping
131
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,425
overthrow democratically
elected governments!
132
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:45,513
Like the US did in
Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua.
133
00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,639
Uh... Oh! Iran!
134
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,475
Because, spoiler alert, those
didn't really work out so great!
135
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:53,187
But that's okay because I'm
pinning my hopes for the future
136
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:55,398
on the next big shipment
of Stinger missiles
137
00:05:55,480 --> 00:06:00,031
to that ragtag bunch of
mujahedeen heroes in Afghanistan!
138
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,200
I... Wow.
139
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,873
It seems like you've actually
given this some thought.
140
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:08,373
Plus, I mean, it's not like we're
selling cocaine to little kids.
141
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,579
And ISIS did do
a lot of bad stuff.
142
00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:12,039
He blew up
an oil pipeline.
143
00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:14,045
Not to mention
a bunch of people,
144
00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:17,344
which, compared to that, this
is kind of a victimless crime.
145
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:20,093
If it even is a crime.
I mean, is it?
146
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,640
He said, sucking at
being a lawyer.
147
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,639
I'm actually
an excellent lawyer.
148
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,971
And I'm excellent
in the field, so...
149
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,396
(SCOFFS) Maybe in ISIS.
150
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,769
But on ISIS missions,
you had big dossiers
151
00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:33,728
with all the information
you could possibly need.
152
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,812
Yeah, but I never read 'em.
153
00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:37,939
(MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
154
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,775
What's up, pendejos?
155
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,075
(GLASS SHATTERING)
156
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,403
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
157
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,864
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
Goddamn Latin!
158
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:48,708
Just feel like
such a tourist.
159
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,214
MALORY: Colombia?
160
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,341
What are they
doing in Colombia?
161
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,260
I... And how did you
know where they were?
162
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,509
I thought you
couldn't track them!
163
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,761
Ray posted a Snacklesnap.
164
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,560
It's where you take
artsy photos of your food
165
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:07,761
and share it with people?
166
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,187
Snacklesnaps is awesome!
167
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,889
Look, here's some
cocaine pudding.
168
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,267
Here's some more
cocaine pudding. Ooh.
169
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,567
Cocaine pudding!
170
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:18,898
Why would anyone want a picture
of someone else's food?
171
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,482
Well, no, they don't.
172
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:22,112
Yeah. Everybody hates it.
173
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:24,035
(SINGING) Snacklesnaps
174
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,829
But why take
cocaine to Colombia?
175
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,532
I assume as a sample?
176
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,118
To show some cartel boss that
our product is high quality
177
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,794
and already in the States?
178
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:35,543
Saving them
the transport cost.
179
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,250
But those three,
waltzing around Colombia
180
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,131
with millions
of dollars of cocaine!
181
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:42,008
My God, they could
already be dead!
182
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:45,682
Oh... Malory, come on, this is Archer,
okay? He can take care of himself.
183
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,805
Yeah, and I doubt
they were actually waltzing.
184
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:50,353
I'm sure
they're totally fine.
185
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,348
Archer!
186
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,476
(WHOOPING)
187
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,898
(MEN CHEERING)
188
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,981
Here's to you, Hal Needham!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
189
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,441
(LAUGHING)
190
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,738
(MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
191
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,078
Man, why bother with coke?
192
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:10,407
I just made 100,000 pesos for
jumping through a stupid window.
193
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,743
Yeah, that's about $50.
(GLASS BREAKING)
194
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:13,827
Still, though.
195
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,881
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
196
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,929
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
197
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,434
(JUKE BOX PLAYING)
198
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,261
You look
for The Godmother?
199
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:35,224
Yes, for a very lucrative
business proposition.
200
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,432
Do you know her, or...
201
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:40,612
No. But I can make a phone
call and someone will come.
202
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:44,153
Until then, just keep
drinking your guaro, huh.
203
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:48,036
About 15 steps
ahead of you.
204
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,363
(LAUGHS)
205
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,789
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
206
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,825
Hmm? See what I did there?
207
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,660
Overdosed on liquid snake?
208
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:58,964
Made a connection, Cyril.
I gained his trust.
209
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,507
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
210
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:03,381
Oh, my God! Although now
that you mention it,
211
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:06,555
(BURPS) I think
I actually may have..-...
212
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,552
(VOMITS)
Oh, God!
213
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,554
...snake poisoning.
214
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,143
(ALL LAUGHING)
215
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,267
Dammit, Archer! I told you!
What's that?
216
00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:19,101
I can't hear you over the sound
of, "I have snake poisoning!"
217
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,903
(SPEAKING LATIN)
218
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,907
(GROANING)
219
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,359
Well, it's your
own fault. What the...
220
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,035
What are you...
Shh!
221
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,869
Shut up! I think I heard a
troop truck pull up out front!
222
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,244
(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)
(MEN SPEAKING SPANISH)
223
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,543
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
224
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,250
(GASPS)
225
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,831
It's the army!
226
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,258
Shit. It's not the army,
we're not that lucky.
227
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,052
They're paramilitarios.
228
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,379
But, what are they...
229
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:49,305
Hey! What are you doing?
230
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,257
Waiting for you,
and to be honest,
231
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,184
having second
thoughts about it.
232
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,511
RAY: Serious shit, come on!
233
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,595
(BANGING ON DOOR)
(YELPS)
234
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,853
(YELLS)
(LAUGHS)
235
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,937
(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
236
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:02,648
(WHIMPERS)
237
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,819
Okay, Ray... Who are
these paramilitarios?
238
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:12,825
Either heroic vigilantes trying
to restore law and order
239
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:14,747
because the cops
can't or won't.
240
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,746
That doesn't sound too bad.
241
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:20,625
Or right wing terrorists with a
boner for kidnapping and murder.
242
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,296
That does.
Moot point though, really,
243
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,374
if you're an American
down here selling cocaine.
244
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,050
I can't believe
that guy ratted us out.
245
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,254
Yeah, and after
you made a connection?
246
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:29,679
Now? Really?
Well?
247
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,801
Shut up.
248
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,554
Ray, hug the shadows, get to
the Land Cruiser and be ready.
249
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,136
Don't turn it on. Do not
touch the brake pedal.
250
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,641
Cyril, I'm gonna
take out the guard,
251
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,347
you're going to take
the truck's distributor cap.
252
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:40,727
Got it?
Uh...
253
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,150
(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
(ALL WHIMPERING)
254
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:44,273
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
255
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,241
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
256
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,531
ARCHER: Okay! Go, go, go!
257
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:55,989
But...
258
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,870
Look, I realize this is
somewhat my fault Cyril.
259
00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,122
We can talk
about it later.
260
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,454
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
261
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:05,756
(TRUCK DOOR CREAKING)
(GASPS)
262
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:07,250
(CLICKS)
263
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,302
So, funny story...
264
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,629
(BOTH GRUNTING)
265
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:12,971
(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
266
00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:16,597
So, hey...
Sorry in advance for this.
267
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,727
(GROANS)
268
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,566
Cyril! Did you get it?
269
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,439
Yes!
Then come on!
270
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:30,690
Hit it!
271
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,613
(ENGINE STARTS)
Cyril!
272
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,786
I'm coming
as fast as I can!
273
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,238
Guys, we really
need to talk about
274
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,450
getting phrasing
back in rotation.
275
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:42,961
(WHOOPING)
276
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,254
Hammer down!
277
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,210
ARCHER: Oh, I'm sorry, Ray.
278
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,887
By hammer
I meant accelerator.
279
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,556
It's floored!
And it's overheating!
280
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,305
Well then stop, you idiot!
281
00:11:57,383 --> 00:12:01,729
I am not the idiot who packed the
engine compartment full of cocaine!
282
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,397
Oh, right.
We should get that out.
283
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,474
Good idea.
284
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,649
That'll give us
something to do
285
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,649
while we sit here and wait for those
guys to drive up and murder us.
286
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,321
Ray, they're not
driving anywhere
287
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,239
without a distributor
cap,so...
288
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:13,737
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
289
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,036
Cyril, may I see
the distributor cap?
290
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,283
(GULPS)
291
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:19,785
(CHUCKLES) Phew.
292
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,832
Man, Cyril,
you had me worried.
293
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,034
I did?
294
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:27,793
Yeah, see, I always worried I would
die without knowing how it felt to
295
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:28,998
get my throat slashed
296
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,460
and my tongue yanked out
through the gaping hole.
297
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,805
Are we seriously
done with phrasing?
298
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,510
I mean not right then,
necessarily,
299
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:44,439
although tongue and gaping hole
were kind of begging for it.
300
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,683
(CHUCKLES)
301
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,110
Gaping hole,
begging for it...
302
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,567
Ah...
303
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:56,944
Drop your weapon!
304
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,619
Drop your weapons!
305
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,288
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
RAY: Archer!
306
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,365
Are you crazy?
They'll kill us!
307
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,450
Will you shut up?
I know what I'm doing, Cyril.
308
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,207
It's all about machismo!
309
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,755
Last chance! Okay.
310
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:11,049
(COUNTING IN SPANISH)
311
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,297
(SHOUTS IN SPANISH)
312
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:15,966
CYRIL: What in the...
313
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:18,264
I told you.
All about the machismo!
314
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,307
RAY: Archer.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
315
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:23,102
Archer.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
316
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:24,645
Archer!
What?
317
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,105
Oh!
318
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,933
CYRIL: Is that the army?
319
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,018
I don't think so.
320
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:33,025
One guy's wearing a t-shirt
from a Phi Mu Fun Run.
321
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,151
RAY: We called 'em Phi Moo.
322
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,982
CYRIL: Well, then
who the hell is it?
323
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,739
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
324
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,446
And I think you have
been looking for me, no?
325
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,493
Only my whole life.
326
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:44,699
God damm it.
327
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:46,409
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
328
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,789
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
329
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,914
And you, guapo,
you follow me.
330
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,333
Oh. Yeah, uh, about that...
331
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,383
So, I have a question.
332
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,757
Since we're now essentially
captives of the Cali cartel
333
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,935
and being dragged off to God
knows what terrible fate,
334
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,354
why the hell
are you smiling?
335
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:07,976
A, we're not their captives,
336
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,808
we're about to be
their business partners.
337
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:13,566
B, I bet there's a pretty decent
chance La Madrina owns a tiger.
338
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:16,773
And, C,
guapo means handsome.
339
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:17,948
(EXHALES)
340
00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:19,442
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
341
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,861
(CHUCKLES) It's your mother.
What?
342
00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,321
Give me that.
343
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,781
"Putting pressure on him"?
344
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,537
If anything
I've been too lax,
345
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,038
but, please,
let me benefit
346
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,711
from your vast experience
as a mother, and...
347
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:31,834
RAY: Hey!
348
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,256
Hello, Ray?
Put Sterling on the...
349
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,125
RAY: Damn it, Archer! Give it...
ARCHER: Give it! Yes!
350
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,380
Ray...
I'm serious.
351
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:37,756
I'm serious.
Archer, cut it out!
352
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,379
ARCHER: Give it! Dammit, give it here!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
353
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:40,805
(GASPS) Sterling?
354
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,927
(BEEPING)
355
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,428
AUTOMATED VOICE:
The voice mailbox of...
356
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,055
(ARCHER LAUGHING)
357
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,679
...is full. Goodbye.
358
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,354
(GROWLS)
359
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:54,315
If you're satisfied with your
voicemail greeting, press one.
360
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,488
(CHUCKLES)
How did you...
361
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,859
Remember that day
I took your falafel
362
00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:59,156
and you were
chasing me all around
363
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,734
the living room
in your wheelchair?
364
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,411
Yes.
Yeah, so I recorded that,
365
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:04,988
added some
sound effects, mixed it,
366
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,244
called my phone
and left it as a message,
367
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,746
stole your phone, got into
the voicemail settings,
368
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,920
called your phone
from a landline
369
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,587
and played the message
from my phone,
370
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,210
then put your phone back.
371
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:18,468
Which I think is why it sounds a
little compressed, but whatever.
372
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,762
Shut up, we're here.
And remember,
373
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,839
I got dibs on the tiger.
374
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:28,060
Well, I have
to admit, Mr. Archer,
375
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,480
your proposal
is very surprising.
376
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,607
Not as surprising
as somebody named
377
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,311
The Godmother
looking like you.
378
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:37,441
(GIGGLES)
379
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,364
Really. And what
were you expecting?
380
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:43,276
I guess like
a Mexican Mrs. Garrett?
381
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,360
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
382
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,572
Or Colombian,
or whatever, I...
383
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:49,032
(SHUSHING)
You talk almost too much.
384
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,914
But you have
aroused my curiosity.
385
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,041
Just your curiosity?
386
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,005
(CHUCKLES)
387
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,127
No.
388
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,298
(COUGHING)
389
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:01,469
But first business
then pleasure.
390
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:03,012
(COUGHING)
391
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,092
Javier.
Sí, Madrina?
392
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,268
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
393
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:13,936
If it is as pure as you say, and
you have as much as you say...
394
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:18,778
Oh, my God, we've got
something, like, 900,000 kilos.
395
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,237
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
396
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,907
Wait, no,
that's grams, so...
397
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,825
So 900 kilos.
398
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,740
However many
are in a shit-ton.
399
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,196
(JAVIER SPEAKING SPANISH)
400
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,157
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
401
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,376
A toast then.
To new friends.
402
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,212
Just friends?
403
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:38,293
No.
404
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:39,749
(COUGHING)
405
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,340
So, shall we have sex?
406
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:44,921
(COUGHING)
407
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,017
(YAWNING)
408
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:55,561
Man!
409
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,187
How is it noon?
410
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,394
And where
the heck is Archer?
411
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,445
I assume
bothering a tiger.
412
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:03,773
Oh, God.
413
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,153
Please.
414
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,200
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
415
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,276
Oh, my God.
416
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,362
Aw... Are you sure?
417
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:13,075
I was sure three hours ago. And back
then I could still feel my legs.
418
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:17,458
Are you sure you cannot make
love to me just once more?
419
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:20,131
Not without
a blood transfusion, no.
420
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,883
(SIGHS) Very well.
ARCHER: Ow!
421
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,137
Which is why
you don't bother tigers.
422
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,055
Then you may call me
423
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:31,475
Coronel Ana Maria Delgado,
de la Policía Nacional!
424
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,178
What?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
425
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:36,390
l am, how you say,
deep cover.
426
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,564
(WHISTLES)
427
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,817
Wait, no! No, no, no.
428
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:42,319
At least let me
take some churros!
429
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,399
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
430
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:51,158
As if American demand for cocaine
wasn't already destroying us,
431
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:54,332
now you even try to smuggle
it into my country?
432
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,750
You make me sick!
433
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:57,873
Then why'd you
have sex with me?
434
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:01,874
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
435
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,753
How dare he do that? How
could this have happened?
436
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,842
So, I get
that you're mad,
437
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,301
but they are in pretty dangerous
territory (MUTTERING)
438
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:15,432
and Ray always answers
his phone in the field.
439
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:18,264
So I'm actually worried.
440
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,769
Well, if you're so worried
441
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,943
why don't you go down
there and rescue him?
442
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,565
I...
Please?
443
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,399
(SNIFFLES) Go find my son
and bring him home to me.
444
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:32,491
ARCHER: And I didn't even
get to meet her tiger.
445
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,864
If she even had a tiger.
446
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,334
Plus at this rate we're going
to run out of coke, huh?
447
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,036
Now there's a moot point.
448
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,963
Since we're being
trucked off to La Culebra,
449
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,667
the most notorious prison
in South America.
450
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:48,799
Notorious, Cyril, please,
I was in the Lubyanka.
451
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,630
Well, were you sent there
by an undercover cop
452
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:54,593
who knows she'll be murdered if
anyone finds out she's La Madrina?
453
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:57,053
No, idiot, l was... Oh.
454
00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:01,057
Yeah. So how long do you think
we're going to last in prison?
455
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,517
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
456
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,477
If we even
make it to prison!
457
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:08,615
Am I right, fellas?
Fellas, am I right?
458
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,159
Guys, if we
get out of this,
459
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,282
the first thing I'm going
to do, I swear to God...
460
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,160
If you say buy a tiger
461
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:19,412
we will beat you to death
with your own shoes.
462
00:19:23,005 --> 00:19:33,325
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
33109
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