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1
00:00:44,298 --> 00:00:45,982
It's Throat's last day.
2
00:00:47,285 --> 00:00:48,339
Retiring?
3
00:00:49,145 --> 00:00:49,897
Dying.
4
00:00:52,292 --> 00:00:57,506
He's only got two weeks to live.
Can't sell any more.
5
00:00:59,062 --> 00:01:00,143
Voice gone.
6
00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:04,123
Upset because he wanted to die
on the knocker.
7
00:01:05,295 --> 00:01:07,356
There GOES a salesman.
8
00:01:09,266 --> 00:01:10,574
You a manager, then?
9
00:01:11,553 --> 00:01:15,819
I do the music.
She's my girlfriend.
10
00:01:16,536 --> 00:01:17,747
Don't you mind?
11
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:21,917
I want her to stop.
But I can't find work.
12
00:01:23,329 --> 00:01:24,498
What do you do?
13
00:01:26,176 --> 00:01:27,790
Mix music.
14
00:01:29,097 --> 00:01:31,746
Lot of call for that kind
of work, then?
15
00:01:32,032 --> 00:01:33,862
No, it's an interest.
16
00:01:39,134 --> 00:01:41,733
You'll have to support her, son.
17
00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:49,430
What about selling?
Look at me, I made it.
18
00:01:50,535 --> 00:01:52,338
And I've got a glass eye.
19
00:02:08,951 --> 00:02:14,104
All right, all right. Bloody hell.
I'll take my bra off.
20
00:02:22,105 --> 00:02:24,071
The fuck with that.
21
00:02:24,740 --> 00:02:27,116
Get off me.
Don't touch me.
22
00:02:28,611 --> 00:02:29,974
Go on away, you bastard.
23
00:02:33,531 --> 00:02:35,191
Quiet, please!
24
00:02:39,688 --> 00:02:40,426
Thank you, my dear.
25
00:02:41,273 --> 00:02:44,767
And thank you to the generous soul who
booked this striptease for Throat.
26
00:02:48,598 --> 00:02:50,290
We'll all miss you, sir.
27
00:02:52,963 --> 00:02:54,853
Get any coin we're owed
and get out of here.
28
00:02:55,264 --> 00:02:57,763
I'm black and bloody blue
from these bastards.
29
00:02:59,394 --> 00:03:02,405
Leads have been shared and
the week is nearly through.
30
00:03:03,239 --> 00:03:06,049
All that's left now is for me
to say a few words.
31
00:03:14,973 --> 00:03:17,377
You have a floodlight inside.
32
00:03:18,246 --> 00:03:19,909
It is as big as your body.
33
00:03:20,749 --> 00:03:23,505
And when you think you're through.
And you've done enough.
34
00:03:23,783 --> 00:03:25,942
There is the trigger to turn it on.
35
00:03:26,203 --> 00:03:28,943
And, BAM! Take them by surprise!
Dazzle their eyes!
36
00:03:29,063 --> 00:03:31,513
They will stand in your beam and
they will buy.
37
00:03:33,878 --> 00:03:37,028
You have a purpose.
You have a mission.
38
00:03:37,704 --> 00:03:42,492
Your next sale is lying there behind
every 'No, thank you' that you receive.
39
00:03:42,752 --> 00:03:49,032
Like a diamond, it is there.
Waiting, glinting. See it.
40
00:03:49,792 --> 00:03:51,634
Reach for it. Have it.
41
00:03:52,476 --> 00:03:54,226
Go for it. You can do it.
42
00:03:54,566 --> 00:03:57,992
You can do it because
YOU are SALESMEN!
43
00:04:00,471 --> 00:04:01,407
As you know,
44
00:04:01,527 --> 00:04:04,975
The companies have thrust us up to our
elbows in the Treasure Chest.
45
00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:09,349
An outstanding product. Unrivalled
commission packages. And now,
46
00:04:10,065 --> 00:04:13,062
And now, they are pouring prizes
upon our heads.
47
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:18,154
I'm talking top salesman...the two week
booty in Benidorm.
48
00:04:20,548 --> 00:04:23,034
The Golden, The Golden Vac.
49
00:04:24,594 --> 00:04:28,866
Speed on, come through, roll out
those vacs. What are we in?
50
00:04:29,165 --> 00:04:30,879
The greatest game alive.
51
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,870
You got it. You got it.
52
00:04:33,343 --> 00:04:34,623
High five it, high five it!
53
00:04:36,686 --> 00:04:39,226
We are in, we are in, we are in,
we are in.
54
00:04:47,028 --> 00:04:48,024
He's dead.
55
00:05:14,035 --> 00:05:16,820
I'm sick of this job, sick of it.
56
00:05:17,791 --> 00:05:21,973
- Well, you don't have to do it no more.
- What are you going on about now?
57
00:05:22,479 --> 00:05:27,710
-You don't have to do this work no more.
-Oh, no. No, no, no. Not this again.
58
00:05:29,131 --> 00:05:32,563
You're off in your own little world,
aren't you? Hi-Fi-ette.
59
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,123
Where's the coin coming from?
60
00:05:35,745 --> 00:05:38,593
- I said I'd stop when you got a job.
- I got one.
61
00:05:40,937 --> 00:05:44,003
I don't mean mixing cassettes for
the teenagers down the lane.
62
00:05:44,123 --> 00:05:46,703
It's not, no.
I got myself a job.
63
00:06:02,865 --> 00:06:06,427
See what it can do.
We are the attached.
64
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:09,423
It's got a mind of its own,
this little rascal.
65
00:06:10,444 --> 00:06:15,449
Watch it gulp. Light, light, light
as a long balloon.
66
00:06:15,971 --> 00:06:17,439
He can't hold it, Tommy.
- What?
67
00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:20,149
He can't because his hand
is withered.
68
00:06:20,411 --> 00:06:21,756
No, but she can, can't she?
69
00:06:23,488 --> 00:06:25,754
Well, sit down, sit down,
sit down. Go on.
70
00:06:27,617 --> 00:06:30,388
Go on, you've worked hard, you
deserve it. Sit down.
71
00:06:30,508 --> 00:06:32,692
Have a bit of cake. Finish your tea.
72
00:06:32,812 --> 00:06:33,698
Right.
73
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,302
There now.
74
00:06:43,005 --> 00:06:43,703
Easy.
75
00:06:47,893 --> 00:06:52,440
Light, hmm? Light, you'll agree?
76
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:56,129
And yet, it's got a powerful
suck on it, too.
77
00:06:56,249 --> 00:07:00,138
Turn it up full, you'll have Australian
shoes in the room before you know it.
78
00:07:00,465 --> 00:07:02,925
Not only that, it'll do your furniture,
your curtains,
79
00:07:03,187 --> 00:07:05,834
Your ceilings, your corners,
under the cooker, over the door.
80
00:07:05,954 --> 00:07:05,954
Over the door.
81
00:07:06,074 --> 00:07:08,786
Crevices cringe and cry when they
see this coming.
82
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:11,533
I couldn't say that again. It wouldn't
sound, not with my teeth.
83
00:07:12,643 --> 00:07:14,698
No, it'll do you the absolute lot, this.
84
00:07:14,996 --> 00:07:17,051
Mr. and Mrs. Tucker. If I may...
85
00:07:18,184 --> 00:07:20,310
Lorna and Edward. If I may...
86
00:07:20,571 --> 00:07:22,278
Lo and Ted. Have it.
87
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:24,669
Possess it.
88
00:07:25,272 --> 00:07:28,391
Go on.
You know you want it.
89
00:07:30,423 --> 00:07:33,088
- We likes it...
- We can't afford it.
90
00:07:33,350 --> 00:07:35,632
Can't afford it? Can't afford it.
91
00:07:36,274 --> 00:07:39,328
Don't give me that. You can if
I lop a hundred off.
92
00:07:39,841 --> 00:07:44,727
No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't agree yet.
Do not agree yet.
93
00:07:45,028 --> 00:07:48,096
Because I really, really want
you to have this machine.
94
00:07:48,216 --> 00:07:50,591
I'm going to swallow.
I'm going to lose.
95
00:07:50,711 --> 00:07:52,640
I'm going to take it and I'm going to
to lop another fifty off.
96
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,973
So you can get out and get yourself
a slap-up meal on me.
97
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:57,746
- Ta.
- Sign here
98
00:08:00,235 --> 00:08:02,656
I'm not going. 'Til you do.
99
00:08:10,042 --> 00:08:14,220
There. 'Tis yours.
Beauty, isn't it?
100
00:08:15,189 --> 00:08:17,933
Leave it there in the
middle of the room.
101
00:08:18,053 --> 00:08:20,339
Look at it a while before
you use it.
102
00:08:21,050 --> 00:08:22,372
Tarrah, must dash.
103
00:08:22,772 --> 00:08:23,806
- Tarrah.
- Tarrah.
104
00:08:31,774 --> 00:08:35,906
- Listen you, never, never interfere
when I'm selling. - He couldn't hold it.
105
00:08:36,026 --> 00:08:38,012
- He's got his other hand,
doesn't he? - No.
106
00:08:38,132 --> 00:08:41,163
Well, he can shove it up his
fucking ass. I don't care.
107
00:08:41,283 --> 00:08:45,428
- We're moving vacs here, pal, not
doing physiotherapy on him. - Okay.
108
00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:48,648
'He can't move it, Tommy.' When I
was on my first round...
109
00:08:48,768 --> 00:08:50,666
If I'd come in with piss like that...
110
00:08:50,928 --> 00:08:53,387
The old salesman I was with would
have took me outside...
111
00:08:53,507 --> 00:08:56,606
And kicked me hard on my face and he'd
be bang on right for doing it and all.
112
00:08:56,922 --> 00:08:59,572
Lesson Number One laddy-boy.
If they waver,
113
00:08:59,692 --> 00:09:02,523
Seize the dithering bastards.
Don't give them no quarter.
114
00:09:05,909 --> 00:09:08,421
Here, let's have something
for the road in there.
115
00:09:10,096 --> 00:09:13,155
- Do you live in here?
- Usually. Pass me that there.
116
00:09:13,473 --> 00:09:16,597
Got to if you want to be number one.
117
00:09:16,717 --> 00:09:19,130
- What, you sleep here all the time?
- No.
118
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,365
- Sometimes motel or Ruby's.
- Who's Ruby?
119
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:27,757
You are new, aren't you?
Ruby the showroom slag.
120
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,112
Here, pass me that Puffa Puffa rice.
Quickly!
121
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:41,093
Rule Number Two. Always start the
day with a good breakfast.
122
00:10:01,842 --> 00:10:05,040
- No thanks. - What, you don't have one
in the morning? - I don't smoke.
123
00:10:06,923 --> 00:10:09,865
- Are you a fucking health freak
or what? - No.
124
00:10:10,159 --> 00:10:13,983
- You don't smoke? - No.
- You'll have to give that up.
125
00:10:25,655 --> 00:10:27,730
What's your favourite football team?
126
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,035
Who's your favourite Page Three?
127
00:10:34,430 --> 00:10:36,049
What do you like then?
128
00:10:37,062 --> 00:10:38,007
Dance music.
129
00:10:38,268 --> 00:10:41,136
I don't play. I just write but
I mix it a bit.
130
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:44,146
Tell me something.
What, what's your name?
131
00:10:44,408 --> 00:10:45,047
Pete.
132
00:10:45,430 --> 00:10:47,883
- Pete.
- Pete. Tell me something, Pete
133
00:10:48,389 --> 00:10:50,610
How'd you come for this job, you?
134
00:10:50,730 --> 00:10:54,425
I was at your office meeting with my
girlfriend. Weren't you there?
135
00:10:54,545 --> 00:10:55,224
Tommy don't go to them.
136
00:10:55,486 --> 00:10:59,194
Too busy selling to listen to losers
get pissed and talk about selling.
137
00:10:59,456 --> 00:11:01,466
Anyway, they all fucking
hate me there.
138
00:11:01,776 --> 00:11:04,673
- I met Sidney there.
- Say no more. Press Gang Sid.
139
00:11:04,793 --> 00:11:06,468
It was the night that Throat died.
140
00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:10,343
Throad died? I didn't know.
Did he leave any leads?
141
00:11:10,463 --> 00:11:13,806
Too late, those jackals will be going
for his stomach even as we speak.
142
00:11:13,926 --> 00:11:16,946
He was almost gone when they took
him on. Desperate bastard.
143
00:11:17,208 --> 00:11:19,694
No other company would've touched
him in that state.
144
00:11:19,814 --> 00:11:21,351
Could've sell him my mum
in the fucking end.
145
00:11:22,904 --> 00:11:26,623
Listen, Pete. I don't want to
disillusion you, mate,
146
00:11:27,502 --> 00:11:30,398
They take on any twat.
And I mean any twat.
147
00:11:30,921 --> 00:11:35,200
Train them for two days and if you don't
perform, scratch them off right there.
148
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,066
Not me, I'm going to make a
real go of this.
149
00:11:37,328 --> 00:11:39,923
- All right.
- It's the greatest game going.
150
00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:52,072
Yeah, the same to you,
you fucking bum bandit.
151
00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:57,873
Nothing like a bit of road rage
to get you going of a morn.
152
00:11:59,074 --> 00:12:00,674
Better than caffeine.
153
00:12:02,219 --> 00:12:03,735
- So, you've got a bride, then.
- Eh?
154
00:12:03,855 --> 00:12:06,826
- A girlfriend, you said.
- Oh, Sheila.
155
00:12:06,946 --> 00:12:08,731
- What's she do then?
- Eh?
156
00:12:09,023 --> 00:12:10,037
The bride.
157
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:13,135
- Nothing. - Nothing?
- Yeah. - Oh, sponger.
158
00:12:13,327 --> 00:12:15,866
No, no, she was the one who
was working.
159
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,640
- What does she do?
- Strip-o-gram.
160
00:12:17,964 --> 00:12:19,208
- Heh?
- Strip-o-gram.
161
00:12:19,517 --> 00:12:22,339
I thought that's what you said.
Fuck me, a stripper.
162
00:12:22,459 --> 00:12:24,707
- Strip-o-gram.
- You got a picture? - No.
163
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,042
- Stripper, eh?
164
00:12:29,442 --> 00:12:34,343
French Maid? Traffic Warden?
St. Trinian's?
165
00:12:35,872 --> 00:12:36,526
Wee Ride?
166
00:12:39,523 --> 00:12:41,463
- Quick pit stop.
- Eh? - My flat.
167
00:12:41,810 --> 00:12:44,584
- I thought you...
- I don't fucking sleep there. It stinks.
168
00:12:46,087 --> 00:12:49,203
Come in. Make yourself at home
Here, have a toss.
169
00:12:49,763 --> 00:12:51,640
Who the fuck's that?
170
00:12:52,236 --> 00:12:54,252
Hello. You owe me money.
171
00:12:54,572 --> 00:12:57,683
It was my lead, you prick. I fucking
found it for you, you know it was.
172
00:12:57,803 --> 00:12:59,448
Don't fucking argue back.
173
00:13:01,103 --> 00:13:05,180
Yeah, I'm up for Salesman of the Year.
Friday night. Golden Vac.
174
00:13:05,516 --> 00:13:10,046
They saddled me with this twat of
a trainee. Yeah, holding me back a bit.
175
00:13:10,387 --> 00:13:12,805
No he's not listening. Are you?
Are you listening?
176
00:13:13,111 --> 00:13:14,730
Too busy looking at my knob, I think.
177
00:13:15,526 --> 00:13:17,032
Come on. Bring a vac or two.
178
00:13:19,558 --> 00:13:25,175
Rule No. Three: Always have a vac ready
and cocked in case of a quick sale.
179
00:13:30,057 --> 00:13:32,064
- Can I put the radio on?
- No.
180
00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:35,184
I'll put this tape on that I mixed.
181
00:13:35,446 --> 00:13:39,664
No. You can have a motivation tape
on though. One I made.
182
00:13:41,931 --> 00:13:44,032
Got woofers on this car, you know.
183
00:13:44,386 --> 00:13:48,875
'Sell, sell, fucking sell.
Sell, sell, sell, sell.'
184
00:13:49,145 --> 00:13:56,973
'Sell, fucking sell, sell, sell, sell,
fucking sell, fucking sell, sell, sell.'
185
00:14:00,171 --> 00:14:02,961
Watch out, watch out.
186
00:14:03,306 --> 00:14:04,811
SELL!
187
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:12,024
Don't sell no bookends. We don't factory
shift no more.Two fucking miles an hour.
188
00:14:12,582 --> 00:14:16,293
Get out the way.
I've got things to do.
189
00:14:18,574 --> 00:14:20,597
So, do you think you'll get it then?
190
00:14:20,857 --> 00:14:21,665
Eh?
191
00:14:21,926 --> 00:14:24,995
The Top Salesman of the Year.
Two weeks in Benidorm.
192
00:14:25,328 --> 00:14:26,980
I'll kill myself if I don't.
193
00:14:28,532 --> 00:14:29,822
People say: 'What commission
do you want?'
194
00:14:29,942 --> 00:14:32,806
And I say: I don't know, I don't care.
I'm on kamikaze commission.
195
00:14:33,477 --> 00:14:35,354
Ours is to sell or die.
196
00:14:35,705 --> 00:14:37,906
No one would do what I
would do for a sale.
197
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:45,194
No one, no one shifts what I shift.
Except that Rottweiler in Blackpool.
198
00:14:45,987 --> 00:14:49,426
What's he called? Pockmark.
He does some.
199
00:14:50,705 --> 00:14:55,504
You should see him. Looks like Jack
Palance but with skin of an alligator.
200
00:14:57,218 --> 00:15:00,070
He does some. Otherwise,
they've no chance.
201
00:15:01,452 --> 00:15:05,007
They're all behind me. They're so little
in the distance, they make me sick.
202
00:15:05,748 --> 00:15:10,013
Anyway, they come too close to me,
I'll bite them.
203
00:15:13,855 --> 00:15:17,320
- I've got to wee, I've got to wee.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
204
00:15:43,474 --> 00:15:48,707
It'll do your absolute lot. An amazing
machine. Locks so hard to the ground.
205
00:15:48,827 --> 00:15:51,087
It'll go right round your seals,
around your wheels.
206
00:15:51,347 --> 00:15:56,759
It'll do your carpet. This will get any
bit of grime. It'll just suck it up.
207
00:15:57,152 --> 00:16:00,663
It lifts the felt, lifts the mat.
208
00:16:00,925 --> 00:16:02,917
Go on get over there.
You there. Now hold that.
209
00:16:03,037 --> 00:16:05,857
Now look at that. Look at the
strength of that. It's amazing.
210
00:16:05,977 --> 00:16:08,837
It's not heavy at all. Look, little
finger. Look at that.
211
00:16:09,099 --> 00:16:12,007
This is the strength of those wheels.
You can even do your lawn with it.
212
00:16:14,157 --> 00:16:14,774
Now look at that.
213
00:16:16,861 --> 00:16:17,814
Like a balloon, look.
214
00:16:19,342 --> 00:16:20,625
Look at that.
215
00:16:21,645 --> 00:16:23,750
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
- Bye Tommy.
216
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,832
Quick detour to base.
217
00:16:40,008 --> 00:16:43,173
- Do you know what it's like to work a
place where everybody hates you? - No.
218
00:16:43,775 --> 00:16:45,044
Invigorating.
219
00:16:46,190 --> 00:16:46,942
Come on.
220
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:52,982
Blue.
221
00:16:53,753 --> 00:16:54,750
Pink. Wrong.
222
00:16:55,109 --> 00:16:56,519
- Nearly.
- Nowhere near.
223
00:16:56,779 --> 00:16:58,573
Who cares. I get a look.
224
00:17:01,611 --> 00:17:03,052
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
225
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:09,932
Where's the chicken house gone?
226
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:12,903
I'm not sure. Nobody tells me anything.
227
00:17:14,172 --> 00:17:19,301
Only last week, this was the chicken
house. Three old broilers on telephones.
228
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:23,614
Smoking like chimneys. Taking calls
for leads between coughing fits.
229
00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:26,149
I used to put my head in the door
like a rooster.
230
00:17:26,409 --> 00:17:30,674
They'd all squawk and squeal and call
for the manager. It was only last week.
231
00:17:32,781 --> 00:17:33,983
They've knocked it all into one.
232
00:17:37,075 --> 00:17:39,595
Look at it. It's socket city.
233
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,037
Bloody hellfire.
234
00:18:22,908 --> 00:18:23,711
Who's this?
235
00:18:29,581 --> 00:18:32,627
What was that? Stone Cheeks?
236
00:18:33,485 --> 00:18:38,356
Why do I feel like twenty pairs of
frozen high heels walked over my grave?
237
00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:44,103
It's Uki. She's here to set up
a website and internet for us.
238
00:18:45,546 --> 00:18:46,393
I know.
239
00:18:47,845 --> 00:18:50,754
FishnetInternetStockings@CyberKnickers.
240
00:18:51,117 --> 00:18:59,075
ForILaptop/YouLapBottom.co.uk.org
orgy.bennyhill.tits....com. Great.
241
00:18:59,768 --> 00:19:03,471
Now then, what's the latest?
How am I doing?
242
00:19:04,763 --> 00:19:06,796
- All right.
- Anything else?
243
00:19:08,995 --> 00:19:12,084
Tommy, not harassing my staff
again, are you?
244
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:18,649
No, Mr. Ron. Just discussing with Stone
Cheeks the latest gen on the Golden Vac.
245
00:19:19,390 --> 00:19:24,055
Just thinking about what to move on my
mantelpiece. What sun tan oil to buy.
246
00:19:25,026 --> 00:19:26,069
Arrogance.
247
00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:27,902
It's not all over yet, Rag.
248
00:19:28,022 --> 00:19:30,518
Did you not see the latest pile the
Bond girl took through there?
249
00:19:30,638 --> 00:19:31,707
Doesn't mean you're a salesman.
250
00:19:31,915 --> 00:19:33,085
Sales make a salesman.
251
00:19:33,445 --> 00:19:35,629
- I think there's a bit more to it
than that. - Than what?
252
00:19:35,940 --> 00:19:40,283
Than a spieler who operates without any
ethics. Doing anything for a sale.
253
00:19:42,399 --> 00:19:43,573
At least I'm honest.
254
00:19:44,586 --> 00:19:48,783
About what I do and how I do it.
Not like the rest of you hypocrites.
255
00:19:49,204 --> 00:19:53,582
Walk in this place these days, you got
to watch you don't skid on the smarm.
256
00:19:55,418 --> 00:20:00,903
'Tis yours. 'Tis yours.
257
00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:10,465
- Hiya!
- Hey?
258
00:20:10,907 --> 00:20:14,517
Pete. Remember, the other night?
You gave me Throat's place.
259
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:21,151
Oh, yeah yeah! How're you doing?
Keep it up. Nice to see you.
260
00:20:23,818 --> 00:20:25,497
Who the fuck was that?
261
00:20:25,837 --> 00:20:29,155
And what's the idea of putting me with
that lame health freak.
262
00:20:29,275 --> 00:20:30,155
What do you mean?
263
00:20:30,275 --> 00:20:33,834
In the last days run up to the
competition. Holding me back.
264
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:36,839
Was returned as not suitable material.
265
00:20:37,101 --> 00:20:42,154
You're returning him, are you? If you
can't cope, I'll send him with Randolph.
266
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:45,682
Oh, no, no, no. Send some more
if you want. Do what you want.
267
00:20:45,943 --> 00:20:49,028
Tape a piece of dog crap to my cheek,
I'll still sell more than all of you.
268
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,466
Chain a cannonball to my leg,
I'll still win.
269
00:20:51,586 --> 00:20:55,591
And have the chain, the ball, and the
fucking cannon thrown into the bargain.
270
00:20:56,295 --> 00:20:59,316
You think you've got all the answers,
don't you? With your big mouth and
271
00:20:59,436 --> 00:21:02,197
your outdated bloody, bloody
blunderbuss tactics.
272
00:21:02,459 --> 00:21:03,032
Now, now.
273
00:21:04,444 --> 00:21:05,601
You will see.
274
00:21:05,957 --> 00:21:09,544
No, I won't. You don't like me but
you like my results.
275
00:21:09,664 --> 00:21:11,731
You'd sack me if you could but you can't.
276
00:21:12,850 --> 00:21:15,081
So doo-ron-a-ron, adieu, Ron-Ron.
277
00:21:33,510 --> 00:21:35,265
Bugger me, you live here?
278
00:21:36,815 --> 00:21:40,683
Where? I don't see habitation unless
you're Top Cat.
279
00:21:40,803 --> 00:21:43,172
- Let me off. This one here.
- Where's the house?
280
00:21:43,433 --> 00:21:44,406
Next to the boarded up one here.
281
00:21:47,303 --> 00:21:47,910
Well.
282
00:21:49,051 --> 00:21:52,072
I thought mine was bad. You are poor.
283
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:57,293
See you, Workhouse!
284
00:22:48,956 --> 00:22:52,198
- You all right.
- Just Clayface was there again.
285
00:22:52,318 --> 00:22:55,346
- She's always there. - She's always
staring. - She's mad.
286
00:22:55,466 --> 00:22:59,523
I tell her to fuck off and go and be
Claywoman in an American comic book.
287
00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:02,858
Anyway, how did it go?
288
00:23:04,270 --> 00:23:08,114
- Good. Good.
- Good.
289
00:23:09,571 --> 00:23:11,293
Good? Is that it?
290
00:23:13,542 --> 00:23:16,141
Come on. I want to know how
you got on.
291
00:23:18,234 --> 00:23:19,669
You're back early.
292
00:23:22,848 --> 00:23:25,985
You've not been sacked, have you?
Because I'm warning you,
293
00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:26,919
No, I got dropped off.
294
00:23:28,003 --> 00:23:29,126
- By the bloke you're with.
- Yeah.
295
00:23:29,578 --> 00:23:32,137
- What's he called.
- Tommy Rag.
296
00:23:33,484 --> 00:23:34,684
Is he all right?
297
00:23:35,508 --> 00:23:37,260
He's great. Nice bloke.
298
00:23:38,214 --> 00:23:40,274
He'll be the first salesman that is.
299
00:23:41,076 --> 00:23:46,250
You need more gumption than this, Pete.
And I've got an idea to give it to you.
300
00:23:46,370 --> 00:23:51,889
Come here, something to motivate
you to the top, like a rocket.
301
00:23:53,197 --> 00:23:55,620
Remember: Pussycats.
302
00:24:00,209 --> 00:24:01,974
Not 'til you've made your first sale.
303
00:24:03,681 --> 00:24:07,249
No, 'til you've made your first sale.
304
00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:48,594
Come on, Workhouse.
305
00:24:50,633 --> 00:24:52,695
- What's Rule No. Four?
- I don't know.
306
00:24:52,957 --> 00:24:53,996
What's Rule No. Four?
307
00:24:54,301 --> 00:24:54,597
I don't know.
308
00:24:54,859 --> 00:24:58,394
Rule No. Fucking Four, pal is don't
piss around keeping me waiting.
309
00:24:58,677 --> 00:25:03,493
Seconds lead to sales. Pockmark could've
had his Puffa Puffa and be off by now.
310
00:25:06,441 --> 00:25:08,795
If you're not there next time,
I'll fuck off and leave you.
311
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:14,250
Here.
312
00:25:15,445 --> 00:25:17,955
Get that suit on if you want
to be with me.
313
00:25:18,784 --> 00:25:19,288
Go on.
314
00:25:19,550 --> 00:25:22,892
It's an old one but it's a favourite
so don't shit in it, all right.
315
00:25:29,597 --> 00:25:33,439
And out go the rags.
You won't be needing those again.
316
00:25:34,210 --> 00:25:35,264
My clothes!
317
00:25:37,924 --> 00:25:39,943
- So, I was wondering...
- Yeah?
318
00:25:41,026 --> 00:25:45,580
- Can I sell today? - What?
- On my own? - Go on.
319
00:25:45,951 --> 00:25:49,952
You want as many sales for Benidorm.
You can have mine but let me make them.
320
00:25:50,734 --> 00:25:53,722
You give me commission or you can
share the commission.
321
00:25:54,744 --> 00:25:56,437
Go on then. Sell in there.
322
00:25:58,573 --> 00:25:59,642
One thing,
323
00:26:00,369 --> 00:26:04,398
Poor areas like this - get out when
you're done, they're clean-cooked.
324
00:26:05,125 --> 00:26:09,411
Rule fucking whatever, take no
sob stories, no hesitation.
325
00:26:09,934 --> 00:26:13,258
As quick as you can, withdraw.
Get out like a spent knob.
326
00:26:15,428 --> 00:26:16,208
Boot!
327
00:26:45,261 --> 00:26:48,557
Twenty weeks. Two pound twelve.
328
00:27:02,031 --> 00:27:07,341
- Yes? - I'm here to make life easier.
Something I'd like to talk about.
329
00:27:08,592 --> 00:27:09,524
Come in.
330
00:27:16,622 --> 00:27:20,900
Dreadful cold, isn't it? I've not got
the fire up too high, I owe all over.
331
00:27:21,347 --> 00:27:25,521
Sorry it's such a mess. It's hard when
you're on your own with four children.
332
00:27:26,246 --> 00:27:28,985
It's a vacuum, see. Can I plug it in?
333
00:27:29,246 --> 00:27:31,184
If you like, there's a whatsit
somewhere.
334
00:27:31,782 --> 00:27:35,817
The other one broke. Someone took it to
fix but he never brought it back.
335
00:27:37,309 --> 00:27:39,628
- It does everything.
- That's nice.
336
00:27:40,846 --> 00:27:45,109
This place could do with a good going
over and right through, it's a mess.
337
00:27:45,856 --> 00:27:49,836
It's faithful hearts keep the house
going. I've fearful little coming in.
338
00:27:50,445 --> 00:27:55,459
My grandma's offered to take photos of me
to send to one of them filthy magazines.
339
00:27:56,201 --> 00:27:57,365
You get paid.
340
00:27:58,451 --> 00:28:02,552
There was a woman three streets away,
was one of them reader's wives.
341
00:28:02,886 --> 00:28:05,291
People still ask her for her autograph.
342
00:28:06,584 --> 00:28:09,359
Who'd want to look at me in my
fearful condition?
343
00:28:11,066 --> 00:28:15,980
Granny says there's a magazine called
'Bony Bints' or something that might.
344
00:28:16,707 --> 00:28:19,313
I don't know. She's looking
into it for me.
345
00:28:19,889 --> 00:28:24,257
She knows from her boyfriend. They call
him Barbecue Harad. Do you know him?
346
00:28:25,891 --> 00:28:31,118
No. His fingers are like burnt sausages.
Been in too many pies.
347
00:28:31,403 --> 00:28:33,973
I don't know how she lets him
near her. I don't really.
348
00:28:35,705 --> 00:28:41,423
Where would we take them? Every room in
the house is like this: humble & shit.
349
00:28:42,044 --> 00:28:46,096
- Who'd want to look at a nude in such
conditions? - This'll help you clear up.
350
00:28:46,949 --> 00:28:50,566
My grandma did it in the '50s. I have
a photo of her somewhere.
351
00:28:51,105 --> 00:28:54,105
She's sitting astride a rolled up
carpet in a kitchen.
352
00:28:54,745 --> 00:28:59,709
The place is not bad but you can just see
a bike wheel and washing up in the sink.
353
00:29:00,315 --> 00:29:03,112
- Where is it?
- It's all right. About the cleaner?
354
00:29:03,888 --> 00:29:08,183
- Okay. - Eh?
- I'll take it.
355
00:29:08,445 --> 00:29:11,919
It's very nice and from what you said,
it should do the trick.
356
00:29:14,450 --> 00:29:17,546
I bought some books before off a
man off the door.
357
00:29:17,809 --> 00:29:20,796
There they are over there:
Kings and Queens of England.
358
00:29:21,457 --> 00:29:24,523
Never looked at them.
I don't read well.
359
00:29:25,061 --> 00:29:29,450
But a bargain's a bargain, and as I say,
it's nice to know they're there.
360
00:29:31,824 --> 00:29:35,532
And there's my tick, my telly and sky.
361
00:29:36,731 --> 00:29:41,717
I find when your benefits come in, all
your debts go at it like pigs or hogs.
362
00:29:42,444 --> 00:29:43,686
You carry on.
363
00:29:44,488 --> 00:29:49,046
But I'm fearful honest about my debt.
Whatever it takes, I never miss.
364
00:29:49,453 --> 00:29:53,115
We've been on gravy and bread and
I've never missed my catalogue.
365
00:29:54,892 --> 00:29:55,747
Only me.
366
00:29:56,665 --> 00:29:58,378
- Who's that? Your boss?
- Yeah.
367
00:29:59,124 --> 00:30:00,200
Let him in.
368
00:30:06,427 --> 00:30:07,211
Hello.
369
00:30:13,270 --> 00:30:14,574
You're signing then?
370
00:30:14,941 --> 00:30:16,741
It can help me clear up.
371
00:30:17,036 --> 00:30:19,062
Just sign. He'll fill in the rest.
372
00:30:20,755 --> 00:30:22,792
I want it clean for my pictures.
373
00:30:23,334 --> 00:30:25,504
- Pictures?
- She's posing nude.
374
00:30:26,148 --> 00:30:26,829
To send off.
375
00:30:28,613 --> 00:30:29,944
I know about that.
376
00:30:30,820 --> 00:30:34,188
I've got a camera if you want me to
do it. A camera in the car.
377
00:30:36,031 --> 00:30:38,115
What poses were you considering?
378
00:30:40,955 --> 00:30:45,548
No, it's okay. My grandma's got one you
don't need to send off to the developer.
379
00:30:46,615 --> 00:30:49,986
Fair enough. Enjoy your vac.
There it stands, 'tis yours.
380
00:30:50,655 --> 00:30:54,013
Look at it a while before you use it.
Beauty, isn't it?
381
00:30:55,125 --> 00:30:57,585
- 'Tis yours.
- Goodbye.
382
00:31:10,733 --> 00:31:18,260
- You did it, well done! How's it feel?
- I feel great, I've sold it.
383
00:31:52,788 --> 00:31:54,499
What are you looking for?
384
00:31:54,619 --> 00:31:57,105
- I want to see your camera.
- Camera? I ain't got one.
385
00:31:57,225 --> 00:32:00,915
-You told her... -I'd have made one from
the Puffa Puffa box to get a free look.
386
00:32:01,732 --> 00:32:03,333
She'd not know the difference.
387
00:32:03,562 --> 00:32:06,170
Anyway, probably use my digital.
388
00:32:07,727 --> 00:32:08,691
Sad cow.
389
00:32:10,577 --> 00:32:11,926
Right, onwards.
390
00:32:18,299 --> 00:32:20,037
You're on your way, Workhouse.
391
00:32:23,503 --> 00:32:24,497
Hey, come back here.
392
00:32:27,098 --> 00:32:32,280
You're no longer the virgin. Now you've
done your first sale, it's your exams.
393
00:32:32,999 --> 00:32:36,654
- Go through the rules!
- Um, er, rule one, give no quarter.
394
00:32:36,854 --> 00:32:39,128
Rule two, good breakfast.
Three, keep vac cocked.
395
00:32:39,594 --> 00:32:42,237
Four, seconds lead to sales.
Five, act like a spent knob.
396
00:32:42,997 --> 00:32:45,544
- What's Rule Number Six?
- Come on, what?
397
00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:52,488
Rule Number Six: There are no rules.
You've passed, see you, Pete.
398
00:33:04,452 --> 00:33:08,219
I've sold. I've sold, d'you hear?
399
00:33:11,075 --> 00:33:12,108
I've sold.
400
00:33:29,750 --> 00:33:30,746
Did you sell?
401
00:33:34,626 --> 00:33:35,452
Yeah.
402
00:33:40,046 --> 00:33:42,066
- The music.
- That's right.
403
00:33:43,038 --> 00:33:43,993
Come through.
404
00:33:46,582 --> 00:33:49,479
Hurry. Hurry.
405
00:33:50,506 --> 00:33:56,463
Cat wants her milky cream.
406
00:34:07,518 --> 00:34:08,379
I can't.
407
00:34:23,860 --> 00:34:26,657
- Have I done something?
- No, can I come in?
408
00:34:29,426 --> 00:34:30,820
You can't afford it.
409
00:34:33,023 --> 00:34:34,077
I've come to take it back.
410
00:34:37,366 --> 00:34:45,311
Now, it's my last but you have it.
Not the kids, you. All right?
411
00:35:02,652 --> 00:35:05,442
Hey mate, you haven't got the
time, have you?
412
00:35:45,620 --> 00:35:46,416
Sorry.
413
00:35:50,068 --> 00:35:50,908
Loser.
414
00:36:17,107 --> 00:36:17,741
Sheila?
415
00:36:33,176 --> 00:36:34,078
Sheila.
416
00:36:34,198 --> 00:36:35,998
No.
417
00:36:40,262 --> 00:36:41,523
Sheila.
418
00:36:42,201 --> 00:36:44,418
Sheila.
419
00:37:00,374 --> 00:37:02,625
Clayface, where is she?
420
00:37:07,364 --> 00:37:08,529
Fucking hell.
421
00:37:27,427 --> 00:37:28,434
1950.
422
00:37:58,991 --> 00:38:00,353
1926.
423
00:38:06,986 --> 00:38:08,609
1945.
424
00:39:06,090 --> 00:39:14,490
The lady downstairs has collapsed in
there. She's in there all...collapsed.
425
00:39:15,330 --> 00:39:23,961
And then, there was fire. Put it out. I
kicked the door. Oh God, I didn't know.
426
00:39:24,416 --> 00:39:28,604
She's still lying there.
She's in there - dead!
427
00:39:29,458 --> 00:39:31,287
Dead I tell you. Sheila's gone.
428
00:39:33,115 --> 00:39:35,276
My Sheila left me.
429
00:39:36,735 --> 00:39:37,987
I was in the street.
430
00:39:39,213 --> 00:39:47,561
I went in there. You came.
I don't know what's happening.
431
00:39:49,396 --> 00:39:50,526
Say something.
432
00:39:51,559 --> 00:39:55,064
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
433
00:39:55,699 --> 00:40:02,320
Say it. Go on, say it.
Docious-expi-ali-fragilistic-ali-super!
434
00:40:03,467 --> 00:40:04,476
You're late!
435
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:09,600
You've got a partial picture of the 1966
England World Cup Squad on your forehead.
436
00:40:10,201 --> 00:40:14,302
The late Bobby Moore and a quarter of
Martin Peters, if I'm not mistaken.
437
00:40:14,422 --> 00:40:16,425
And on your chest,
the Apollo 11 mission.
438
00:40:16,777 --> 00:40:21,791
In your navel, could be half of Diana
Dors, could be the Millennium Dome.
439
00:40:22,358 --> 00:40:26,121
Then on each thigh, a serious suffragette
and three Prime Ministers.
440
00:40:26,241 --> 00:40:27,730
And a zeppelin on the shin.
441
00:40:27,992 --> 00:40:32,922
You're a veritable tabby-eared & scorched
scrapbook of the 20th century.
442
00:40:33,042 --> 00:40:35,739
I don't want to know why.
I don't want to know how.
443
00:40:35,927 --> 00:40:39,764
I've entered into Monty Python's missing
sketch. I would just like to remind you...
444
00:40:39,967 --> 00:40:43,539
That today is the day of the night the
competition winner is announced.
445
00:40:43,787 --> 00:40:48,225
And, as a consequence, all hands must be
on deck. All stops must be pulled.
446
00:40:48,595 --> 00:40:52,319
- So, get your fluttering ass in gear!
- How?
447
00:40:54,451 --> 00:40:59,060
How can you talk like that?
When she's gone, GONE!
448
00:40:59,864 --> 00:41:04,895
She's left me and, God I know, she'll
never come back!
449
00:41:05,294 --> 00:41:07,772
And she is lying there!
450
00:41:08,027 --> 00:41:11,595
Christ. Clearly no sale in here.
451
00:41:26,322 --> 00:41:28,653
Another Stone Cheeks bites the dust.
452
00:41:31,503 --> 00:41:34,820
Well, at least she's dead.
Could be worse.
453
00:41:35,924 --> 00:41:37,513
Ill people make me sick.
454
00:41:39,461 --> 00:41:41,683
We'll have to phone an ambulance.
455
00:41:42,775 --> 00:41:44,216
- Bit late for that.
- Police.
456
00:41:47,580 --> 00:41:49,945
- Can't we just leave her?
- Oh, no.
457
00:41:50,516 --> 00:41:52,391
All right, all right.
458
00:41:54,334 --> 00:41:58,687
But we're wasting valuable time here.
Pockmark'd leave her to the rats & mice.
459
00:42:01,891 --> 00:42:05,520
I hate these fucking things.
Electrified Mars bars.
460
00:42:05,933 --> 00:42:07,604
I short them on a daily basis, you know.
461
00:42:08,561 --> 00:42:11,650
They won't work for me. I've got too
much electricity in my brains.
462
00:42:12,092 --> 00:42:13,061
Come on.
463
00:42:17,188 --> 00:42:22,675
Life. Like that. All gone.
464
00:42:25,309 --> 00:42:26,719
What's it all about?
465
00:42:31,335 --> 00:42:35,155
I had a dream last night, Workhouse.
I had a dream.
466
00:42:38,537 --> 00:42:42,341
Came over the hill and black and white
people were having it off.
467
00:42:45,070 --> 00:42:45,801
No?
468
00:42:52,824 --> 00:42:53,984
Can't we cover her up?
469
00:42:57,003 --> 00:42:57,961
Come on.
470
00:42:59,565 --> 00:43:01,033
I do have a dream.
471
00:43:02,291 --> 00:43:05,126
I saw that oriental bint
from the office.
472
00:43:06,297 --> 00:43:09,539
She was, like, walking on air.
473
00:43:11,055 --> 00:43:14,165
She was pushing a vac and that
was, like, on air.
474
00:43:15,420 --> 00:43:21,681
And then she walked, like magic in her
trail, left smart young girls behind.
475
00:43:22,299 --> 00:43:25,099
Taking into mikes at their mouths,
like Madonna.
476
00:43:27,468 --> 00:43:30,289
Whole face is aglow from the
computer screen.
477
00:43:31,136 --> 00:43:35,554
I couldn't get it. It was seductive,
as if something was being gathered.
478
00:43:35,949 --> 00:43:38,305
Softly, guided in.
479
00:43:38,900 --> 00:43:42,274
Not like my selling. Not like the
selling we know and hate.
480
00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:47,514
At the last computer screen, she stepped
in, and I went in after her.
481
00:43:48,772 --> 00:43:53,920
It was a tropical beach.
Blue sky, sea,
482
00:43:55,834 --> 00:44:01,427
It was more than that.
More alive.
483
00:44:03,512 --> 00:44:04,646
Like heaven.
484
00:44:07,869 --> 00:44:13,550
Somehow I felt like my work was done.
There were no more vacuums left to sell.
485
00:44:16,465 --> 00:44:17,469
And when I looked, she'd gone.
486
00:44:18,884 --> 00:44:22,018
The vac was all alone on the beach.
Gold, it was.
487
00:44:22,956 --> 00:44:26,799
Glittering in the sand. And I was going
up and down the beach with it.
488
00:44:27,241 --> 00:44:30,095
I think it was plugged into the sun,
or something.
489
00:44:30,808 --> 00:44:34,221
It felt odd, at first. But no fever,
the fever was gone.
490
00:44:35,545 --> 00:44:36,844
Then I wasn't used to myself.
491
00:44:40,075 --> 00:44:49,363
I'd all opened up inside, like a flower.
It was so beautiful.
492
00:44:51,604 --> 00:44:53,010
I started crying.
493
00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:59,886
There were tears everywhere.
I was completely nude.
494
00:45:04,176 --> 00:45:11,212
I was vacuuming...
completely nude... in Paradise.
495
00:45:17,809 --> 00:45:21,877
Workhouse, get upstairs, get the 20th
century off you, and get dressed NOW!
496
00:45:24,206 --> 00:45:26,689
- Which service do you require?
- Emergency.
497
00:45:27,479 --> 00:45:29,673
- Which service do you require?
- Emergency.
498
00:45:30,580 --> 00:45:35,037
Which service do you require?
Please, which service do you require?
499
00:45:37,545 --> 00:45:42,168
- Hello? - Emergency.
- Hello?
500
00:45:49,008 --> 00:45:50,731
This day is going nowhere.
501
00:45:52,186 --> 00:45:56,308
Come on, I'm losing ground. Feels
like my heels are in a pillow.
502
00:45:57,872 --> 00:45:58,227
I know.
503
00:46:04,929 --> 00:46:06,202
Where are we going?
504
00:46:06,990 --> 00:46:09,380
To a sale that's nearly made.
505
00:46:09,906 --> 00:46:13,407
I'm a venacous stroke away and if I'm
having it today,
506
00:46:14,071 --> 00:46:14,877
We're going to see the Spaniard.
507
00:46:15,473 --> 00:46:16,449
Adios, Tommy.
508
00:46:19,677 --> 00:46:22,490
Why'd you do this? We're not Spanish.
509
00:46:22,891 --> 00:46:28,134
We are somewhere. We've got
tango blood, and jet black hair.
510
00:46:28,254 --> 00:46:29,425
Your hair's gray.
511
00:46:30,594 --> 00:46:35,927
You've been like this since the salesman
came. Told you had a Spanish look.
512
00:46:36,472 --> 00:46:39,440
He only said that to sell you a
vacuum cleaner.
513
00:46:39,969 --> 00:46:40,803
You're just jealous.
514
00:46:41,229 --> 00:46:42,668
It's all to get a sale.
515
00:46:43,285 --> 00:46:44,273
El rubbish-o.
516
00:46:44,535 --> 00:46:45,740
Buy one then.
517
00:46:45,908 --> 00:46:47,791
I shall when I am ready.
518
00:46:48,284 --> 00:46:50,346
And I know what you did upstairs.
519
00:46:51,505 --> 00:46:54,450
He was just giving me a demonstration.
That is all.
520
00:46:54,712 --> 00:46:55,885
It's all to sell.
521
00:46:56,375 --> 00:46:57,642
Oh, shut up!
522
00:46:58,318 --> 00:47:03,633
At least he comes. Nobody comes for you,
do they, you fatty virgin.
523
00:47:10,733 --> 00:47:11,667
Thomas!
524
00:47:11,929 --> 00:47:13,171
Spaniard.
525
00:47:14,782 --> 00:47:17,523
Here it is.
And the little white bull.
526
00:47:17,643 --> 00:47:20,724
Can we just try it upstairs on
the carpet again?
527
00:47:20,844 --> 00:47:23,193
You know, before I make
my final decision.
528
00:47:23,574 --> 00:47:24,447
If we must.
529
00:47:26,631 --> 00:47:27,776
If we must.
530
00:47:29,919 --> 00:47:33,664
- Have you warned him she's slow?
- He's not so quick himself.
531
00:47:40,890 --> 00:47:43,075
Are you that salesman's friend?
532
00:47:45,936 --> 00:47:47,106
Do you like my legs?
533
00:47:48,855 --> 00:47:50,200
They feel heavy.
534
00:47:54,196 --> 00:47:57,389
- Do you know a chocolate rep
called Terence? - No.
535
00:47:58,271 --> 00:48:03,697
He was her friend before.
Her Milk Tray man.
536
00:48:14,260 --> 00:48:16,629
- I'm touched.
- Oh?
537
00:48:24,311 --> 00:48:25,574
Do you want a drink?
538
00:48:28,846 --> 00:48:29,679
Coffee.
539
00:48:31,541 --> 00:48:34,655
Pour us two glasses of
that shan-grilla.
540
00:48:43,386 --> 00:48:46,196
- Oh no, I forgot the sangria.
- Never mind it.
541
00:48:46,689 --> 00:48:48,163
I trust you're signing today.
542
00:48:48,626 --> 00:48:54,904
Let us leave it until later.
I want more, Tommy. More, Tommy.
543
00:48:55,165 --> 00:49:00,009
More. Oh, Tommy, more.
More, Tommy.
544
00:49:05,716 --> 00:49:07,417
You're sad, aren't you?
545
00:49:11,362 --> 00:49:13,341
I am. Yeah.
546
00:49:15,564 --> 00:49:17,031
I can tell moods.
547
00:49:25,743 --> 00:49:28,170
If I show you my bra,
will it cheer you up?
548
00:49:29,517 --> 00:49:31,217
I always wear a sexy one.
549
00:49:33,011 --> 00:49:33,997
It's big though.
550
00:50:34,016 --> 00:50:36,271
Never mind us. Get back on.
551
00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:44,191
She is a belle.
552
00:50:55,820 --> 00:50:56,796
Darling!
553
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:05,687
Adios. Adios, Tommy.
554
00:51:09,967 --> 00:51:11,629
Conquistador or what?
555
00:51:13,027 --> 00:51:16,049
Anything, anything, anything,
anything for a sale.
556
00:51:25,042 --> 00:51:28,320
What's happening to me?
What's happening to me?
557
00:51:29,322 --> 00:51:34,264
- Shut up, or I'll fucking hit you.
- Go on then, kill me. I want to.
558
00:51:34,827 --> 00:51:37,911
- What have I done? - Go in the dash,
there'll be something in there.
559
00:51:38,031 --> 00:51:43,205
I don't want to end up with a fucking
tart. I fucking hate you.
560
00:51:45,236 --> 00:51:46,109
Listen you!
561
00:51:48,371 --> 00:51:50,939
I'm going to give you once chance
to pull yourself together.
562
00:51:51,059 --> 00:51:54,799
If you don't fucking take it, I'm
fucking off and leaving you, right?
563
00:51:55,376 --> 00:51:56,920
I shagged a slow girl.
564
00:51:57,540 --> 00:51:59,180
So what?
565
00:52:19,496 --> 00:52:23,191
Now, tonight's my night.
The Vac of Gold.
566
00:52:23,848 --> 00:52:26,683
I'd have taken it but I would
have taken it in style.
567
00:52:27,020 --> 00:52:30,010
With a handful of sales still
in my hand.
568
00:52:31,857 --> 00:52:33,723
- What was that?
- Hitchhiker.
569
00:52:34,263 --> 00:52:39,636
No, it's not, you blockhead. It's an
opportunity. Never miss an opportunity.
570
00:52:39,756 --> 00:52:42,016
I've sold to hitchhikers before now.
571
00:52:42,334 --> 00:52:45,486
Left them two junctions later clutching
their vac of their very own.
572
00:52:45,606 --> 00:52:48,315
Not knowing what the fucking
darn deuce has gone on.
573
00:52:49,355 --> 00:52:52,040
Hello, young man. Your lift is here.
Come in.
574
00:52:57,270 --> 00:53:01,904
- What's your name? - De Kid.
- Hello, I'm De Tommy Rag.
575
00:53:02,522 --> 00:53:05,415
- You're a salesman.
- How'd you guess?
576
00:53:05,535 --> 00:53:06,989
No one else is so loud
in the morning.
577
00:53:07,894 --> 00:53:09,692
- And now what do you do?
- Guess.
578
00:53:10,099 --> 00:53:13,495
No, I'll give you a clue:
No one sits when I'm in a room.
579
00:53:14,289 --> 00:53:15,398
You a Royal?
580
00:53:15,658 --> 00:53:19,925
- Close, I'm a deejay.
- Oh, are you, I stand and cheer.
581
00:53:20,045 --> 00:53:22,071
- Where are you going?
- Blackpool.
582
00:53:22,333 --> 00:53:25,274
We're going there tonight. Big prizes.
What are you doing there?
583
00:53:25,535 --> 00:53:26,242
A gig.
584
00:53:27,709 --> 00:53:29,836
He's doing a jig what like you like.
585
00:53:33,982 --> 00:53:35,284
His bird's dumped him.
586
00:53:37,224 --> 00:53:40,489
She was a stripper, you know.
Look, before you get settled in.
587
00:53:41,113 --> 00:53:43,826
How do you go about cleaning your
carpets in the home?
588
00:53:44,832 --> 00:53:46,759
- I ain't got no home.
- Where d'you sleep?
589
00:53:46,995 --> 00:53:50,025
Hotels, motels, audience, car seats,
back streets, settees, teepees,
590
00:53:50,145 --> 00:53:52,620
Warehouses, shithouses, or,
I stay up all night.
591
00:53:52,740 --> 00:53:54,214
- Where are you from?
- I don't know.
592
00:53:54,612 --> 00:53:56,513
Bloody hell, I've picked up
Oliver Twist.
593
00:53:56,633 --> 00:54:00,209
All I know is I'm Northern, I have no
carpet, and I have no ma.
594
00:54:00,471 --> 00:54:02,679
Our vacuums do other things, you know.
595
00:54:02,940 --> 00:54:05,588
Right. Maybe I could sample them
and set them off in Ibiza!
596
00:54:10,766 --> 00:54:14,433
- Big fish, little fish, cardboard box.
- Big fish, little fish, cardboard box.
597
00:54:14,553 --> 00:54:17,590
- Nine hundred vac.
- Vacuuming completely nude in paradise.
598
00:54:17,710 --> 00:54:19,797
I haven't got time for this,
thank you very much.
599
00:54:20,219 --> 00:54:23,866
Speaking up, pal, take no offense, I'm
not going to sell you owt, fuck off.
600
00:54:24,294 --> 00:54:26,129
Pit stop. You coming?
601
00:54:27,065 --> 00:54:29,913
See you, J. Edgar.
Hoover.
602
00:54:35,013 --> 00:54:36,213
Did he mean it?
603
00:54:38,104 --> 00:54:42,955
I mixed a bit. I was learning myself,
like, bedroom deejay.
604
00:54:44,606 --> 00:54:49,720
- Who taught you? - The crowd.
- Right, oh yeah, right.
605
00:54:50,908 --> 00:54:51,897
How did you start?
606
00:54:53,306 --> 00:55:00,723
There was an old deejay selling a big
clunking 1970s disco twin deck. 50 quid.
607
00:55:01,643 --> 00:55:05,738
I sold my bike for 60, bought it, and
with the tenner, I got three records.
608
00:55:06,364 --> 00:55:10,647
They're all out for ages. I wore them
thin. I took the pads off my fingers.
609
00:55:12,862 --> 00:55:14,771
Smooth as marbles.
610
00:55:16,299 --> 00:55:19,741
Police can't arrest me now.
Unidentifiable, except,
611
00:55:20,430 --> 00:55:21,328
By my music.
612
00:55:21,761 --> 00:55:24,760
Then I did a gig. And one gig went to
another gig to another gig.
613
00:55:25,022 --> 00:55:26,195
To gig, to gig, to gig, to gig.
614
00:55:27,302 --> 00:55:30,642
I'll do whatever comes. Basements,
clubs, warehouses, bar mitzvahs!
615
00:55:31,028 --> 00:55:33,235
It doesn't matter what I have to start with.
616
00:55:33,496 --> 00:55:37,164
I can get from Amazing Grace to Abba
to ambient to arthouse.
617
00:55:37,433 --> 00:55:42,211
Before they know what's happened. I mix
up a potion. I make them feel better.
618
00:55:42,472 --> 00:55:46,211
I guarantee to get the most miserable
twat at the wedding up and trancing or,
619
00:55:46,518 --> 00:55:47,918
Your money back!
620
00:55:48,960 --> 00:55:51,955
- Do you make a living?
- I only want money to open my own club.
621
00:55:52,778 --> 00:55:56,020
Your own club.
What's it going to be called?
622
00:55:56,419 --> 00:55:56,963
The Ark.
623
00:55:59,228 --> 00:56:06,169
Everybody's welcome. It'll never close.
You can stay in there 'til you feel safe.
624
00:56:06,820 --> 00:56:08,017
To come out again.
625
00:56:10,938 --> 00:56:14,077
Can I ask you something, De Kid?
Can I?
626
00:56:16,227 --> 00:56:18,515
- Will you listen to my mix?
- No.
627
00:56:19,230 --> 00:56:21,254
I can't hear a thing without the people.
628
00:56:24,030 --> 00:56:25,222
Tell you what though.
629
00:56:28,149 --> 00:56:31,795
I'll play it for you tonight.
At least you know it's been danced to.
630
00:56:35,511 --> 00:56:37,334
I'll give you a secret.
631
00:56:39,739 --> 00:56:43,579
Silence is loud.
632
00:56:52,722 --> 00:56:53,450
BOOT!
633
00:57:27,803 --> 00:57:30,955
Hit Stone Cheeks with these before
the witching hour.
634
00:57:34,653 --> 00:57:39,480
And then I insist you accompany me to
Blackpool and the great giveaway show.
635
00:58:05,677 --> 00:58:10,107
Workhouse, my old love,
we're riding to Blackpool.
636
00:58:10,979 --> 00:58:15,042
To Mecca.
Metropole Hotel on the front.
637
00:58:15,750 --> 00:58:17,162
Swung by to pick the girls up.
638
00:58:18,752 --> 00:58:23,247
And the sad end,
I've no one else to bring.
639
00:58:25,935 --> 00:58:30,779
Hot Pot came, too. See?
She's not been out for years.
640
00:58:31,589 --> 00:58:33,900
She came for I told her
you were coming.
641
00:58:35,512 --> 00:58:40,842
Anyway, I'm the goddamn winner
and I want some champagne.
642
00:58:41,218 --> 00:58:42,667
Get on the dash there, go on.
643
00:58:43,887 --> 00:58:45,004
There is none.
644
00:58:46,628 --> 00:58:47,848
- Is there not?
- No.
645
00:58:48,855 --> 00:58:51,137
- Is there some hotel miniatures?
- There are.
646
00:58:51,428 --> 00:58:52,181
Near enough.
647
00:58:52,616 --> 00:58:54,566
Come on, smack them open.
Let's celebrate.
648
00:58:55,566 --> 00:58:56,519
What will you do if you lose?
649
00:58:57,960 --> 00:58:59,160
I will win.
650
00:59:00,854 --> 00:59:04,114
- Spaniard, want to hear my speech?
- Si, si, si.
651
00:59:06,669 --> 00:59:10,033
Mr. Ron, and all the rest of you scum.
652
00:59:10,938 --> 00:59:13,712
I'd like very much, very much
like to thank you.
653
00:59:14,811 --> 00:59:18,061
For without your rejection
and wish for me to topple.
654
00:59:18,430 --> 00:59:22,216
I would not have made it to the lounger
in the sun I will soon be occupying.
655
00:59:22,487 --> 00:59:27,625
Or to this exalted height I hold as best
fucking salesman in the universe ever.
656
00:59:28,332 --> 00:59:29,472
Bravo!
657
00:59:31,510 --> 00:59:34,048
You thought I did it alone.
I did not.
658
00:59:34,843 --> 00:59:38,227
You don't know how much you helped
me climb that ladder.
659
00:59:39,014 --> 00:59:44,386
Your hatred was the rungs. Each stab in
the back made Tommy scurry up higher.
660
00:59:44,746 --> 00:59:50,664
Each time Stone Cheeks had a lead, I took
off, scavenged, dug up ten of my own.
661
00:59:50,784 --> 00:59:56,143
So ta, a mighty ta, to all you rats and
mice at the good old office.
662
00:59:59,946 --> 01:00:03,478
Chance was also gold.
Did they announce that?
663
01:00:04,662 --> 01:00:11,141
Little Alf's dad down the street when I
was a nipper. Alf's dad, the salesman.
664
01:00:12,145 --> 01:00:13,806
He sold Flying Saucers.
665
01:00:14,359 --> 01:00:20,117
Like soft, perfect, almost paper sweet,
they exploded in your mouth.
666
01:00:21,030 --> 01:00:23,193
Oh, when the kay lie
at the back of your throat.
667
01:00:23,682 --> 01:00:27,661
He came out with, tossed them,
tossed them, we caught them.
668
01:00:28,559 --> 01:00:33,602
Pale pink and green and yellow,
flying through the sky.
669
01:00:39,237 --> 01:00:46,825
And thanks must go to my dad for showing
me the mug's way so early, so clearly.
670
01:00:47,122 --> 01:00:52,603
Coming home in filth, having worked all the
hours God can spare, for tuppence ha'penny.
671
01:00:54,103 --> 01:00:58,028
Beat, bad-tempered, broken.
672
01:00:59,630 --> 01:01:02,644
And thanks to him, also, for making
me hate to hesitate.
673
01:01:04,597 --> 01:01:09,385
Little me, upstairs in bed, while
he hit mum downstairs.
674
01:01:10,484 --> 01:01:14,691
One more time. I'd say, one more scream,
and I'm going to get the poker.
675
01:01:16,117 --> 01:01:21,362
But I didn't. I've never hesitated since.
Never crushed up my grit, since.
676
01:01:25,218 --> 01:01:30,526
Should've broken his dirty, oil-stained
fingers off at the door.
677
01:01:33,420 --> 01:01:39,973
And I thank him for his face, when I
came home after a few hours spieling.
678
01:01:40,586 --> 01:01:44,640
They're wholesale, darling. I don't want
your ten pounds, don't want your five.
679
01:01:45,197 --> 01:01:47,152
Put your notes away.
I don't know what's come over me.
680
01:01:47,272 --> 01:01:50,546
8/6 for the lot. Now hurry up before
they cart me off to the loony bin.
681
01:01:51,974 --> 01:01:55,384
And I'd throw a wad, ten of his wage
packets thick, on the kitchen table.
682
01:01:55,779 --> 01:01:57,626
And my mum, he couldn't look at her.
683
01:02:01,095 --> 01:02:05,427
He couldn't finish his food because
I'd beaten him - with success.
684
01:02:07,235 --> 01:02:12,031
And so I'd go on beating him
for I do not lose.
685
01:02:15,056 --> 01:02:23,994
And finally, thanks most of all to the
suckers I've mugged through the years.
686
01:02:24,114 --> 01:02:30,129
Who have left dizzy and light of pocket
with something they never needed.
687
01:02:30,249 --> 01:02:33,952
With a 'tis yours, 'tis yours,
'tis yours!
688
01:02:35,572 --> 01:02:38,358
Oh, I am so proud.
689
01:02:41,316 --> 01:02:47,803
Your growth and the company's growth,
fueled by honesty, HONESTY!
690
01:02:52,268 --> 01:03:01,569
We have had a stupendous year so far. We
are riding high as one of the top regions.
691
01:03:05,980 --> 01:03:08,205
Fucking hurry up, I want to get abroad.
692
01:03:10,351 --> 01:03:14,223
And so, without further ado,
let's find out the winner.
693
01:03:15,916 --> 01:03:19,952
I'm going to ask one of our brightest
female members of staff,
694
01:03:20,265 --> 01:03:23,439
To be so kind and do us the honours
and read them out.
695
01:03:24,149 --> 01:03:29,851
Please welcome Uki, the head of our new
Information Technology department.
696
01:03:42,742 --> 01:03:45,052
The final nominees for the
Golden Vac awards are:
697
01:03:46,033 --> 01:03:46,870
Tommy Rag,
698
01:03:54,554 --> 01:03:54,913
Throat,
699
01:04:01,826 --> 01:04:05,115
- And Randolph Dalline.
- Pockmark.
700
01:04:09,946 --> 01:04:10,702
Pockmark.
701
01:04:13,504 --> 01:04:14,691
And the winner is...
702
01:04:18,519 --> 01:04:21,830
The winner is Ran..., sorry, Pockmark!
703
01:04:28,814 --> 01:04:33,309
And in second place, it's a tie with
Throat and Tommy Rag.
704
01:04:41,744 --> 01:04:46,455
Winner, winner!
705
01:06:00,744 --> 01:06:02,098
Stone Cheeks!
706
01:06:02,992 --> 01:06:04,234
What are you doing?!?
707
01:06:06,096 --> 01:06:06,520
Pervert!
708
01:06:06,640 --> 01:06:09,307
Where's Ron-Ron? Where is he?
709
01:06:10,060 --> 01:06:12,509
- I'm not telling you.
- You fucking better!
710
01:06:12,814 --> 01:06:14,691
Why? What would you do?
711
01:06:17,071 --> 01:06:18,648
Punch you in the vagina!
712
01:06:21,469 --> 01:06:26,790
What the hell, I owe him nothing. He
took Suzy Wong for a walk down the prom.
713
01:06:27,261 --> 01:06:32,525
Talk about the future. Big changes. This
is going to be the last competition.
714
01:06:32,645 --> 01:06:35,628
But no one knows it. You know, he
reckons with her help,
715
01:06:35,884 --> 01:06:39,936
They can clear twice as much on the
cyberhighway as you on the tarmac one.
716
01:06:40,493 --> 01:06:41,509
It's "Death of the Salesman".
717
01:06:41,629 --> 01:06:45,041
Never mind all that shit. What happened?
What fucking happened?
718
01:06:45,302 --> 01:06:46,842
- Your sales were one short.
- NEVER!
719
01:06:47,104 --> 01:06:50,412
Yeah? One of the sales was nulled
and the vacuum was missing.
720
01:06:55,585 --> 01:06:56,685
Workhouse!
721
01:06:57,781 --> 01:07:01,876
What about Throat? How could I have a
tie with a dead man that couldn't talk?
722
01:07:02,128 --> 01:07:05,548
I can tell you. What do I care now that
he's got his geisha.
723
01:07:07,402 --> 01:07:10,747
As you got closer and closer to winning,
he got more desperate.
724
01:07:11,406 --> 01:07:16,081
He started a scheme to get the others to
donate sales to the 'Throat Memorial'.
725
01:07:17,934 --> 01:07:20,694
Not strictly allowed but he's the boss.
726
01:07:24,626 --> 01:07:25,756
Honesty, heh?
727
01:07:30,860 --> 01:07:31,705
Honesty.
728
01:07:52,157 --> 01:07:53,555
Big fish, little fish, cardboard box!
729
01:07:53,971 --> 01:07:55,236
Big fish, little fish, cardboard box!
730
01:07:56,307 --> 01:07:56,712
Yes!
731
01:08:02,425 --> 01:08:09,431
Listen, watch your music do the work.
Behold!
732
01:08:19,545 --> 01:08:20,528
My music!
733
01:08:32,776 --> 01:08:35,726
Come on, one time only.
734
01:08:36,968 --> 01:08:41,891
I can sell you this. I can sell vacuums.
The vacuum salesman!
735
01:08:42,943 --> 01:08:47,008
It's time. It's a one off
forever bargain.
736
01:08:47,128 --> 01:08:52,016
All appliances thrown in.
Soles included.
737
01:08:52,430 --> 01:08:59,609
My life's work. The bag is full of
Australian shoes.
738
01:08:59,983 --> 01:09:02,846
Lodged in my flesh and blood.
739
01:09:03,345 --> 01:09:04,893
WORKHOUSE!
740
01:09:48,243 --> 01:09:49,058
Steward!
741
01:09:54,832 --> 01:09:56,967
And Tommy, you're sacked.
742
01:10:09,907 --> 01:10:15,118
Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter!
743
01:10:47,562 --> 01:10:52,799
No one was listening in the beginning.
Now everyone's listening.
744
01:10:52,919 --> 01:10:53,456
I know!
745
01:10:53,716 --> 01:10:55,261
See, see!
746
01:10:57,253 --> 01:10:59,443
I knew you were someone to watch.
747
01:11:48,398 --> 01:11:52,247
Sea! Do you want a vac?
748
01:11:54,575 --> 01:11:55,983
Hoover your bottom!
749
01:11:57,215 --> 01:12:02,561
Take up all the jewels and wrecks
and rotting sailor boys!
750
01:12:04,811 --> 01:12:06,683
I'll do you a massive deal, Sea.
751
01:12:08,088 --> 01:12:11,142
I'll knock off twice as much
for you, Sea!
752
01:12:12,792 --> 01:12:16,001
May I call you Briny? May I?
753
01:12:18,925 --> 01:12:21,561
Come on, come on, you want one.
754
01:12:22,568 --> 01:12:30,004
You know you want it. Come on,
you must, you must have one. Come!
755
01:12:31,923 --> 01:12:32,856
Take it.
756
01:12:50,964 --> 01:12:51,746
Hey!
757
01:12:54,174 --> 01:12:56,412
You don't have to vac my heart up.
758
01:13:05,790 --> 01:13:08,984
I can taste blood.
759
01:13:12,284 --> 01:13:13,205
Tommy!
760
01:13:15,766 --> 01:13:17,752
And Flying Saucers.
761
01:13:18,728 --> 01:13:19,481
Tommy!
762
01:13:20,911 --> 01:13:21,612
Tommy!
763
01:13:22,992 --> 01:13:23,473
Tommy!
764
01:13:25,262 --> 01:13:25,820
Tommy!
765
01:13:28,503 --> 01:13:28,951
Tommy!
766
01:13:31,368 --> 01:13:31,747
Tommy?
62578
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