All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S09E05.1080p.BluRay.x264-SHORTBREHD.English

- Hey, ready for lunch?
- Oh, one sec.

Is that the prototype drive system
for the high-G rover?

No, Bernadette got me a Fitbit
so she can track how much I'm exercising.

That'll teach her
to care about your health.

Yeah, I can't wait to see
the look on her face when I die young.

(CHUCKLES)

When was the last actual exercise you got?

The other day, when she tried to

put that Fitbit on me,
and I ran away from her.

According to a recent study,
simply thinking about exercise,

even while sitting still,
can have physical benefits.

For all you know,
I could be exercising right now.

- Are you?
- Nah, I'll do it tomorrow.

It wouldn't be the worst thing
if we were more active.

Well, you make an excellent point.

Ooh! I think I'm getting a runner's high.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Look at all these activities
the university has.

Rock climbing club, archery,
flag football...

Had me at "flag", lost me at "football".

You know, I think it's great
you guys want to get more exercise,

but do you really think sports
is the right choice for you?

What are you saying?

We're not coordinated enough
to play sports?

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, Leonard, sweetheart,
you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.

(SIGHS) I got a triple-word score
with a double letter Q.

If that's not a time to bust out
the Scrabble dance,

what's the point of having one?

Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club.

Interesting. Sword fighting does hold
a certain elegant appeal.

And I would imagine it meets
many of our personal criteria for a sport.

- It's indoors, so no sunscreen.
- Mmm.

No throwing, no catching, no running.

No gym shorts that can be yanked down.

Or worse, up.

Preach.

And as an added bonus,
the word "touché" comes from fencing.

It'd be our only opportunity to use it
in a non-metaphorical sense.

What about a game of tag
on a French schoolyard?

Ah, touché.

- Thanks for coming by.
- Sure. So, how can we help?

Well, I know more women
are buying comics than ever,

but for some reason,
I can't get them in here.

All right, well,
what have you tried so far?

Uh, I've been stocking
more female-oriented titles.

In the bathroom, I folded the end
of the toilet paper into a triangle.

And you are now sitting
in the official breast-feeding area.

Really, in a comic book store?

Oh, don't worry.
I've got a camera right up here

so I could watch from the counter,
make sure guys aren't being pervs.

Anyway, so, what do I got to do to,
to get you in the door?

Well, for starters, you might wanna
rethink some of this artwork.

I mean, this woman's actually on a leash
like a dog.

Well, you don't know the backstory.
Maybe she kept jumping up on the couch.

I feel cool.

Like Puss in Boots.

I always wanted to be a swashbuckler
when I was a kid.

Technically, "swashbuckler"
is a combination of two terms.

"Swash", referring to
the sound of the sword... Swash...

And then "buckler", meaning a small
shield, which you don't have.

We can still be swashers.

Well said, Puss.

Gentlemen. Welcome to the Fencing Club.

Before we start, I just wanna warn you,
fencing isn't a joke.

I hope you're not here because you think
it's going to be like Star Wars.

That's not why we're here.

Yeah, I'm here because I think
it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.

- Maybe a little Princess Bride.
- Ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride.

That's my answer.

Well, sorry to disappoint you,
but fencing is a serious sport.

If you're not willing
to put in the effort,

you might as well just leave now.

We're not afraid of physical activity.

Yeah, I already ran 18 miles today.

All right,
let's begin with some fundamentals.

This is the en garde position,

feet are in a L, heels in a straight line,
elbow's about a fist from the rib cage.

- Notice my dominant leg faces forward.
- Oh, dear.

(SIGHS) What's wrong, Cooper?

Yeah, well,
I'm not sure I have a dominant leg.

They're both pretty submissive.

When you're in a public restroom,
which foot do you flush the toilet with?

Right, always right.

He's a righty.

Okay, show me en garde.

Good. Knees bent, slightly over the toe.
Non-sword hand up for balance.

(GRUNTS) I am going to feel this tomorrow.

Okay, the first move is called an advance.

You move your front foot forward,
heel to toe.

Back foot follows.

So, front foot forward, heel to toe,
back foot follows.

Now you try. Advance.

And advance.

And advance.

This is easy, I didn't need to wear a cup.

Good. This next move is called a retreat.

Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel,
front foot follows.

- On three...
- Excuse me, Barry?

- Yes.
- When can I stab one of my friends?

In fencing, we don't call it a stab,
we call it a touch.

Yes, I'm aware, but if I say
I wanna touch one of my friends,

I'll get called into Human Resources.

Okay, on three,
Cooper and Koothrappali advance,

the other two retreat. One, two, three.

Very good. Switch it up. One, two, three.

Switch again. One, two, three.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me.

Can I call you back?

No, I'm teaching a class.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, yeah.

Okay, thanks.

And one, two, three.

Have you thought about
advertising directly to females?

Hmm. Okay. Well, all right.

What if I put up a sign in the window
that said,

"Women, come in. Don't be afraid."

Hey, have you read the online reviews
for this place?

The Internet's so negative.
I try to avoid it.

All right, well, Heather H says,

"The owner stared at me the whole time
and didn't blink once."

Kelly M says, "The creepy guy who runs it
asked me out,

"then called himself stupid
before I could say no."

Jessica K says, "I told the weird owner
that I liked his shirt.

"He took it off and gave it to me."

See? Negative.

With your foil extended,

kick your front leg up
and push off with your back leg.

Now you try.

And again.

And again.

Look at us, we're like The Rockettes.

SHELDON: En garde, Leonard.

Prepare yourself for a rigorous touching.

(FENCES CLASHING)

HOWARD: My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.

RAJ: My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

HOWARD: I thought you were Puss in Boots.
RAJ: Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

My name is Puss in Boots.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.

I'm looking forward to him
teaching us glove-slapping.

What?

You know, when my honor is insulted,
and I need to challenge someone

to a duel by slapping them across the face
with my glove.

When was your honor insulted?

My last physical.

Again, that doctor
didn't insult your honor,

he just checked your prostate.

RAJ: My name is Little Orphan Annie.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.

HOWARD: My name is Darth Vader.
I am your father. Prepare to die.

SHELDON: This is fun.

LEONARD: Well, good.
It's nice to see your mind off Amy.

What's going on with Amy?

SHELDON: Not that it's any of your
business, but she broke up with me.

Really? Good to know.

SHELDON: "Good to know"?
What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I hate to say it,
but it sounds like he's interested in her.

Well, that's unacceptable.

Buddy, I get that you don't like it,
but it's not really up to you.

Yeah, well, but he's dumb
and his face is dumb.

Look, even if it's not him,

Amy's probably gonna date someone
at some point.

- You really think so?
- Of course. She deserves to be happy.

How dare you.

Listen, I should warn you that maybe
asking Amy out isn't a good idea.

Barry, a word.

And now the crazy version
of what I just said.

If you intend to pursue Amy,

you leave me with no choice
but to put a stop to it.

And how are you gonna do that?

By challenging you to a duel.

You've had one lesson. I'll destroy you.

That is why the duel will take place
at high noon,

three years from today.

If you're worth your salt
as an instructor,

I should be ready by then.

Yeah, and be warned,
I'm going to touch you all over.

Wow! That was crazier than I thought.

All right, I'm not saying it's true,

but let's, let's consider for a moment
that possibly I'm the problem.

- Yeah.
- You are.

You can say it.

Fine. But I mean, what can I do?
I get so nervous around women.

Well, you're talking to us now.
I mean, you don't seem nervous.

Well, that's 'cause I'm doing that trick
where you imagine the audience is naked.

By the way, thumbs up, ladies.

Do you not hear how creepy that sounds?

(CHUCKLES) It was a joke.

Was it?

Nah, I'm still doing it.

Okay, don't be offended,
but what went wrong with you?

I guess I assumed at this point
in my life,

I would be married or in a relationship,

or even have a pet that didn't run away
or kill itself.

That really happened?

I mean, I can't say for sure, but I swear
that rabbit looked me right in the eye

before it hopped in front of that car.

Anyway, the longer I'm alone,
the more desperate I get.

Stuart, believe it or not, I understand.

You know, before I met Sheldon,
I was alone for a really long time.

I was so desperate for people to like me,
when I met these guys,

it took everything in my power
to hide my insecurity.

Okay, we're all feeling it.
Yes, I'll go out with you.

Suddenly, the rabbit thing makes sense.

I'm surprised you wanted to go
to a sports bar, Sheldon.

Look at this blister.

Like it or not, we're athletes now.

Besides, a bar is where I belong.
I'm having female problems.

If you're cranky and retaining water,
I have a theory.

Sheldon, instead of focusing on
Amy dating other guys,

maybe you should start thinking about
dating another girl.

That's ridiculous.

Why? You never thought you'd end up
in a relationship, and then you met Amy.

Maybe there's someone else out there
for you.

True. But Penny's married,
and so is Bernadette.

And your girlfriend has red hair
and white skin,

which really rubs up
against my clown phobia.

Maybe you should consider women

who aren't in serious relationships
with your closest friends.

There's that prostate doctor,
but I'm still mad at her.

Oh, there's a woman.
I'll make her my girlfriend.

Whoa!

Walking up to a strange woman in a bar
usually doesn't work.

You're forgetting something.

Ladies love jocks.

- How many sips of that beer did he have?
- Three.

Oh, boy.

Excuse me.
I'm recovering from a recent break-up.

Now, I'm told asking out another woman
might make me feel better.

And as Ash Ketchem said to Pikachu,
"I choose you."

What?

It's a Pokémon reference.

I don't know what that means.

Well, we gave it a shot.

How about you?

I'm married. And I'm her grandmother.

Ah, what might have been.

And you, give my regards
to Barnum and Bailey.

Stuart took that rejection like a pro.

Well, he knew he was on the breast cam.

I don't have much experience
turning men down.

It wasn't so much fun.

Um, you get used to it.

Some guys you have to turn down
over and over.

And sometimes we marry them anyway.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Huh!

- Well, this is weird.
- What?

- Barry Kripke just asked me out.
- (GASPS)

Oh! Look at you, two guys in one day.

I told you things would change
if you plucked your eyebrows.

What did he say?

"Hi, how are you? I was wondering if you'd
like to get a drink after work sometime."

Well, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I guess I assumed that
I would eventually date other people,

but this is happening so fast.

What can it hurt?

Well, I was hoping the next person I dated
would be a little less like Sheldon.

You mean not a scientist?

I think she means not a weirdo.

Are you attracted to him?

I don't know.

All right, well, what happens
if you imagine him naked?

Oh, I don't have to imagine it.

(GASPS)

I smell funny.

I taste salty.

You're just sweaty from exercise.

I'm kind of delicious.

I wonder how many licks it would take
to get to the center of me.

I know it only takes one doctor's finger.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- We should let you guys talk.
- Yeah.

- You don't have to leave.
- But look at me go.

- Bernadette, you're my ride.
- Walk!

How've you been?

I'm doing all right.

I tried fencing today.

- How'd that go?
- It was pretty easy.

And I think my background
in mathletics helped.

Barry Kripke was there.

I should let you know that he expressed
interest in asking you out.

Actually, he already did.

Okay. But don't get too attached to him.

In two years, 364 days, he's a dead man.

I said no.

Interesting.

I asked two women out today,
and they both said no.

I didn't know
you were interested in dating.

I've been told it's a good way to move on.

Oh!

Okay.

Anyway, um, it's nice to see you.
You look good.

Thanks, and I taste good, too.

Howie?

What's up?

Why does your Fitbit say
you ran a 174 miles yesterday?

English - SDH