All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S09E02.1080p.BluRay.x264-SHORTBREHD.English

Why are you up?

How am I supposed to sleep?

I've been married less than 24 hours
and my wife isn't speaking to me.

Perhaps you could think of this
in a more positive light.

In one day, you've managed to do

what it takes many couples
decades to achieve.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hi.
- Hey.

You couldn't sleep either?

Of course not.

Me neither.
But I just had a tickle in my throat.

Not profound marital problems.

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

Please tell me how I can fix it.

I'm glad you asked.

As I see it, there's a simple solution.

Your lips had a dalliance
with the lips of another woman.

It seems only logical that
to restore balance to the relationship,

you should find another man
and dally with him.

And by dally, I mean some hardcore
mouth-on-mouth action.

Okay, that is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

I actually think he's onto something.

What? You can't be serious.

Just 'cause I messed up
and made out with a girl,

you're gonna do the same
with a random guy?

I'm currently single.

That's true. You are.

What is happening?

I will tell you what is happening.

I am saving my best friend's marriage.

(GASPS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(VIDEO CALL RINGING)

Sheldon, I don't think you understand
how being broken up works.

The only way I can sort
through my feelings

is if there is space between us.

Every time I see you,
it re-traumatizes me.

I go through the pain all over again.

Well, hello to you, too.

What do you want?

I understand we're no longer a couple,

but I would like to remind you
that we made a baby together.

What baby?

A precocious little Internet show
known as Fun with Flags.

I'm hanging up.

Yeah, great.
See you in about half an hour.

Sheldon, I am not doing
Fun With Flags with you.

- Why not?
- Because we're broken up.

Sonny and Cher made it work.

Their variety show kept going
long after the divorce,

and here we are still talking about them.

No one's talking about Sonny and Cher.

You must be thinking
about Donny and Marie,

'cause you and I are clearly
talking about Sonny and Cher.

Sheldon, this has to stop.

I know it's hard. It's hard for me, too.

But I've seen and talked to you more
in the two days we've been broken up

than in the last two months
that we were together.

Well, if you wanna see less of me,
maybe we should go out again.

Can't believe you made out
with Mandy Chow.

Oh, trust me, I wish it never happened.

And you knew about this this whole time?

- I did.
- And you didn't think to tell me?

Leonard asked me to keep it to myself.

Let's leave Leonard out of this
for the moment.

This is about you and me.

How is my day-old marriage falling apart
becoming about you two?

Hang on. What do I need to do
to make you trust me?

You think it's hard having one wife,
try having two.

You know, I bet you told Bernadette

all about how he was screwing around
with Mandy Chow.

We didn't screw around.
We just got drunk and made out.

Whatever. It would've been nice
to hear it from you.

What are you doing here?

I am here to return your belongings.
That's what people who've broken up do.

And you didn't do your compulsive
knocking ritual so I would open the door.

On the contrary, you no longer get
to enjoy my charming eccentricities.

We're not friends with benefits.

- Just give me the box.
- Yeah, wait, wait.

Don't you wanna go through it
to make sure I haven't forgotten anything?

Fine.

My old scarf.

Yeah. You wore it the night
we went ice skating. Remember?

You mean the night that I went ice skating

and you stood at the rail
googling the symptoms of hypothermia.

We made one heck of a team, huh?

Whose bra is this?

It's not yours?

Oh, my!

Well, how embarrassing for both of us.

- It's Penny's.
- Hey, you broke up with me.

It is none of your business
whose naked bosom

I'm smooshing around like pizza dough.

Goodbye.

Amy. Amy. Amy.

(SIGHS)

Tables work, too. Good to know.

Ooh, brownies for girls' night.

Hands off, I'm mad at you.

Look, I know it's a lot of money,

but the guy at the store said in
five to seven years, it'll pay for itself.

What will pay for itself?

Doesn't matter. What are you mad about?

I'm mad at you for blabbing to me
what Leonard did on the North Sea

and I'm mad that I've had to hide this
from Penny for two years.

And you have every right
to be mad about those things. So...

Why don't you let me handle
the credit card bill this month, huh?

I mean, don't even look at it.

I mean, if Penny finds out I've known
all this time and haven't told her,

she's gonna think I'm a terrible friend.

I wish you never told me.

And I wish Leonard never told me.
He's the bad guy here!

I guess that's true.

And you let Penny marry him. (SCOFFS)

Compared to that, who cares

if I bought a George Clooney
limited edition manscaping kit?

Hi, I'm calling about
your marriage counseling services

and was curious what your rate is.

Really?

Um, okay, is there any kind of discount
for length of marriage?

We're just talking hours here.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hi.
- Call you back.

Hey.

Can we talk?

I would love that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

All right.

Look, I'm sorry I said I was okay
with everything before we got married.

I hate that we're going through this,
but I don't know what to do.

If you don't mind waiting for a Groupon,
we can try marriage counseling.

- Hello.
- Hey, buddy, can we have some privacy?

Oh, of course. Wouldn't want to intrude.

- So...
- This is yours.

Okay. When I'm done with him,
I'm gonna need more information.

Yeah. It's nothing odd.
I just wanted to rub Amy's nose in it.

Okay, look, I might be overreacting,

but how am I supposed
to get past this when I know tomorrow

you're gonna go to work
and see this woman?

Now, forgive me for eavesdropping,

but as I see it,
there's a simple solution.

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

Bring Penny to meet Mandy.

What? Why?

Well, right now
Penny's imagination's running wild,

but if they meet, that will eliminate
the mystery and alleviate her fears.

Like when that Sparkletts guy
let me look under his eye patch.

First of all, you made that guy cry.

And we learned that you don't need
an eyeball to do that.

Secondly, I can't think of a more horrible
idea than Penny meeting Mandy.

Really? Why is that?

What? You actually wanna meet her?

No, but now that you're being weird
about it, maybe I should.

Well, I'm not being weird.
Am I being weird?

Yes.

And that's coming from me.

Fine, you wanna meet her?

No, I just wanna know that when you're
at work, there's nothing going on.

How many times do I have to tell you?
I have no interest in this woman.

Yeah, well, maybe she has interest in you.

What, in Leonard? Even the Sparkletts guy
could see that's unlikely.

(SIGHING) I guess my big problem is
I never saw Leonard as the kind of guy

who would do something like this.

Anybody can make a mistake
in a weak moment.

(SIGHS) What do you think?

I... I don't know what to think.

But then again, I just found out about it.

You know, I fell in love with Leonard

because he wasn't anything like
the guys I was used to dating.

I mean, I knew those guys
weren't above cheating,

because that's usually how we met.

Come on, you know Leonard's not like that.

No, I wanna believe you. I really do.

Am I being naive?

I don't know.

This is all so new to me.
I'm still processing.

You know, he never would've done this
when we first met. He's cockier now.

That's because you made him
more confident.

You know, if you think about it,
without you,

he never would've grown
into the person he is now.

I mean, sure, more women might notice him,

but I think it's better to have a guy
be with you because he wants to be,

and not because he thinks
he doesn't have any other choice.

Never thought about it like that.

Me neither. Not until just now.

Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper,
and welcome to:

(SHELDON READING)

You may notice
that I'm holding a remote control.

That's because my cameraperson
and co-host, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler,

has chosen to end
her relationship with me.

I'm going to pause here
to let that sink in.

Okay.

If you need to pause a little longer,
just click the pause button.

But the show must go on.

And thankfully, all of the things
my girlfriend used to do

can be taken care of with my right hand.

Anyway, let's not spend any more time
talking about her.

We're here to talk about flags.

Tonight's theme: flags of countries
that have been torn apart

and the women I have a feeling
were responsible.

You guys have any idea how much it costs
to see a marriage counselor?

$250 an hour. Why?

How do you know?

Bernadette and I have occasionally
gone to one to,

you know, stay on top of things.

And I'm just hearing about this now?

Dude, just because we're best friends

doesn't mean that I have to tell you
everything that goes on.

You don't have to, you should want to.

Oh, great. There's Mandy.

Why are marine biologists always so cute?

I don't know.

But I'd like to get lost
in her Bermuda Triangle.

It's not helpful.

Then I won't say I'd like to cover
three-quarters of her surface area.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Are we done?
- Not yet, this is fun.

Ooh, I know. I'd let her free my Willy.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna ask her
if she'd be willing to talk to Penny

and tell her she has nothing
to worry about.

- No, Leonard, wait.
- What?

I'd like to SpongeBob her SquarePants.

Now we are done. (LAUGHING)

- Hey.
- Hi, Leonard. What's up?

Do you mind if I sit?

Sure.

So, um, I've been thinking a lot
about you and me and... The boat.

- What about it?
- You know,

what we did when we were drunk.

Oh, no! Did I sleep with you, too?

Nope, we just made out.

Oh! Well, good for me.

So, what can I do for you?

Uh, okay, well, I got married recently.

Oh, congratulations!

To Sheldon?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Never gets old.

No, no, to a girl.

Anyway, I told her what happened
between you and me

and she's concerned about us
seeing each other at work.

It was just a kiss.
Why would you even tell her?

'Cause I didn't want there
to be any secrets between us.

Is that really the reason?

What else would it be?

I don't know. Sounds like you're trying
to sabotage the relationship.

No, I don't think so.

Although, Penny did say exactly that.

Okay. Well, that's something
to think about.

You know, on some level,
I've always believed

that I don't deserve a woman like her.

Oh, you're gonna think
about that right here?

I mean, she's really beautiful.
She can have any guy she wants.

Which is probably why it took her
so many years to tell me she loved me.

Maybe you should talk
to a therapist about this.

Too expensive.

You'd think I'd be used
to women withholding their love.

I mean, my mother did.
I mean, no matter how hard I tried,

she just didn't have any interest in me.

Imagine that.

I wonder if that's why I have such
a dysfunctional relationship with Sheldon.

I had a dream the other night
that I was in a cave

and I was nursing a baby.

But the baby had Sheldon's head on it.

And your wife is worried about me?

RAJ: Hey, Leonard!

When you're done,
we came up with a bunch more.

And then the Czech Republic says
to Slovakia,

"I don't think you understand
how being broken up works!"

Can you believe that?

You'd think that the Czech Republic
would try to hold on to what it had

given that it's not
as young as it used to be.

And I don't see any other countries
lining up to invade its southern borders.

I'm gonna kill him.

But enough about the Czech Republic.

Let's talk about the time Moldova made
Romania a birthday cake.

And Romania said it tasted good
even though it didn't.

And yet, Romania gets dumped.

I'll pause here
while you mull that one over.

I know, right?

So? You said you had something to tell me.

Okay. Yeah. Um,

do you remember when you accused me
of trying to sabotage our wedding?

Uh-huh.

I've been thinking about it
and you might be right.

But... The good news is
that I'm pretty sure I know why.

I'm listening.

Penny, after all these years, I still
feel like maybe I don't deserve you.

Okay, that is the lamest excuse
you could've possibly come up with.

But I get it.

You do?

Yeah. You know, sometimes I worry
you're gonna wake up

and leave me for someone more like you.

I don't even understand
why you're with someone like me.

Why would I wanna be with someone like me?

You know what I mean.

And, you know, maybe the way I've been
reacting was me sabotaging this, too.

(SIGHS) Well, how about we stop
being so scared

of losing each other and just be together?

- That sounds nice.
- (SIGHS) Good.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

'Cause

I've loved you since the moment we met,

and I will keep loving you
until the end of time.

Oh.

Oh, my God, that is the most beautiful
thing anyone's ever said to me.

Yeah?

That's because you're beautiful,

and your beauty fills my heart
with love and song.

It's getting kind of cheesy, Leonard.

If you think that's cheesy, buckle up.

Penny Hofstadter,
will you please stay married to me?

Oh, damn it, you topped it.

Shall we go to the bedroom
and make this marriage official?

- Yes, please.
- Okay.

Sheldon, I can't believe
you got us a wedding gift.

I don't know why you're so surprised.
I watch movies. I see what people do.

- What is this?
- Plane tickets and hotel reservations

for a weekend away in San Francisco.

- Wow!
- That's so great!

Yeah, there's Fisherman's Wharf
and Alcatraz and cable cars.

We're gonna have so much fun.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

- We?
- Is there a problem?

Oh, no, no. I just, I said, "Whee!"

How dare you go on the Internet
and say mean things about me,

and compare my genitalia
to a part of Czechoslovakia?

You saw through that one, did ya?

I don't know what you were thinking,
but take the video down now!

She watched it.
I'm gonna get that girl back.

AMY: I only watched it because you
e-mailed it to me with the subject line

"this is gonna make you mad!"

She was listening through the door.
She wants me.

English - SDH