Original subtitles

It's the best one they make, I just can't get it to work.

- I'll figure it out. - It streams HD video...

...straight to your phone while it's flying.

Nice. Where were you when I was single?

Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?

I need to throw in a few last-minute things. You know, makeup, underwear, clothes.

If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you're packed.

Have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?

No. It's pretty exciting.

Aren't you afraid of being blinded?

- How would I be blinded? - At the end of the ceremony...

...all the students throw those pointy hats in the air.

It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

- I'll take my chances. - Fine.

I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.

Look, the problem with commencement speeches...

...is that they're boring.

Ooh. Do you own a T-shirt cannon?

Why would he own a T-shirt cannon?

I don't know, why do I own one?

It's really nice you're sharing this experience with Penny.

Mm. I thought it'd be fun to show her my old stomping grounds.

I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.

Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.

With a beautiful girl on your arm.

And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.

- How did you get ready so fast? - Oh, I pack light.

Once, I got through an entire spring break with nothing but a long T-shirt and a belt.

LEONARD: Why did you need a belt? PENNY: It's called an evening look.

I've never been to New Jersey before.

Eh, it gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.

- So it's not really like that? - No, it's like that.

But I am excited to show you around.

PENNY: Think we'll have time to visit your mom?

Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press...

...but I'm not doing that either.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Uh-oh.

I just got an alert. Our flight's been canceled.

- What? - Looks like there's a big storm...

...all up the east coast.

- Well, couldn't we get on another airline? - I don't think so.

So that's it? We're not going?

I guess not.

- Well, that sucks. - Yeah. I worked hard on that speech too.

- Ugh. You could tell it to me. - Thank you, but I'm okay.

Are you sure? I could pretend I'm a cheerleader...

...who can't control herself around esteemed alumni.

- Greetings distinguished cheerleaders... - Ooh!

Okay, the Wi-Fi extender is on, camera's on, they're on the same network.

- We should be getting an image. - All I see is a black screen.

And my own reflection.

I look sad.

- Maybe we should recalibrate it. - All right.

Step one. Rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up...

...to the fully down position for at least 10 times.

- It actually says "at least"? - Yeah.

Why would they say "at least"?

Is it 10 toggles? Is it a hundred toggles, you know?

Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles?

- A hundred thousand toggles...? - Sheldon.

You see where I'm going with this.

Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.

That seems simple enough.

Initiating calibration sequence.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Well, I suppose 10 is technically "at least 10."

But they're still getting at least one angry letter.

Now I rotate it horizontally...

...on its center axis until the lights turn green.

Initiating rotation sequence.

Don't look at me. Initiate.

What does red and yellow mean?

It means the calibration failed. We have to start over.

Very well. Reinitiating calibration sequence.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Eleven?

It's a good thing I didn't send that letter.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Mm. Hello, Daddy, what's up?

Not much, just wanted to see how my son's doing.

Very well, thank you.

Are you still dating that dermatologist?

If you could feel how soft my skin is, you wouldn't have to ask.

Oh, and there's something else I wanted to ask you.

Why did you spend a month's rent on a toy helicopter?

Oh, you're where that bill goes.

I'm tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle. It's time you learned responsibility.

The only way to teach you that is to cut off your allowance.

No, Daddy, no.

There are lots of other ways to teach me responsibility.

I know, you can give me an egg and make me take care of it for a week.

No, my mind is made up. Starting now, you're on your own.

But, Daddy, I miss my family so much...

...and with you and Mommy getting a divorce...

...I feel sad and empty.

Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void.

So while I can't hug you every day, flying that helicopter...

I'm cutting you off.

Just to be clear, financially or midsentence?

No red and yellow, no red and yellow.

- It's green! - Yeah! We did it!

If it's this much fun to rotate it, imagine when we fly it.

Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.

Oh, no!

All right, playtime's over.

Let's open this baby up.

Won't that void the warranty?

Sheldon, I have a Master's degree in engineering.

I wipe my bottom with warranties.

Except for AppleCare, that pays for itself in the long run.

- Hi. - Hey, where'd you go?

- I got you a little something to cheer you up. - Really?

Sex last night, pancakes this morning. Am I dying?

Just open it.

Cap and gown? Why do I need a cap and gown?

Because you are giving your commencement speech.

- What are you talking about? - I called your school...

...and convinced them to let you give your speech over Skype.

Really? That's amazing.

And you gave me the robes to give it in. Thank you.

Yeah, now about those. They came from a costume shop...

...and all they had left was "Sexy Graduate," so they...

This might be a little short.

- Short and sexy. That's my wheelhouse. - Yeah.

Boy, oh, boy, that's a lot of pieces.

- You know what they all do, right? - Yes, of course.

- What about this one? - Well...

How familiar are you with miniaturized, integrated logic circuits?

- Not very. - That's a miniaturized, integrated logic circuit.

So can you get it working?

I'm an MIT-trained engineer.

I built components for the space station.

I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work?

It worked fine, it just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts...

...and their potato-based diet.

- Hey, guys. - Hello.

I have to return the helicopter. My father... What did you do?

Don't worry. He went to MIT.

He can solve any problem.

As long as it doesn't originate in a Russian man's colon.

- I don't freaking believe this! - Relax. It'll be fine.

No, you have to put this back together right now so I can return it.

You can't return it, Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.

What?

I think metaphorically...

...but he was in the bathroom for a while.

Howard, my father cut me off.

- I have to get my money back for this. - Calm down.

Okay. Okay, you're right.

It's time for me to step up and take responsibility for my life.

Be a man.

Hello, Mommy?

Hello, Rajesh. What a nice surprise.

Well, I've been thinking about you.

How are you doing? Are you happy, Mommy?

Such a sweet boy for asking.

Can't believe you come from the poison seed of your father.

Well, I like to think I take mostly after you.

Anyway, speaking of Daddy, I had a very strange conversation with him.

He said he couldn't to send me money anymore...

...because of his active social life.

What does that mean, "active social life"?

Well, let's not talk about him or whatever shenanigans he may or may not be up to.

Let's talk about you.

Rajesh, is your father seeing someone?

All I know, Mommy, is that he's a single, wealthy doctor...

...and now, for some reason, there's no money for your little boy.

Well, however much money your father was giving you...

- ...I'll give you more. - Thank you, Mommy, I love you.

Helicopters for everybody.

What's taking so long?

- I don't think this is gonna work. - Just let me see.

Sweetie, you know you're supposed to wear clothes under the graduation gown.

A, surprised you know that.

B, I wanted to look like a sexy graduate for you.

- Well, you do. - Oh, thank you.

You're gonna be on Skype. They're not gonna see your legs.

I'm gonna go put on pants just in case. But I have to say, this is very freeing.

Add a belt and I'll take you someplace nice.

Ooh. Done and done.

Okay, I think I've narrowed it down to a faulty pin...

...on the on board communication chip.

Very impressive.

You know, when you're done with that...

...can you look at this?

It doesn't make smoke anymore.

One toy at a time.

Sorry. Yeah, maybe it's for the best.

I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause...

...of death among train aficionados.

- What's the first one? - Suicide.

Wrong, obesity.

- I have the tools you wanted. - Thank you.

You guys don't have to go to the trouble.

I'm back in the money, I can buy another helicopter.

It's not about the money.

It's about solving a problem. It's why I became an engineer.

It's what I like to do, it's what I'm trained to do, it's who I am.

Well, look at you. The little engineer that could.

Why don't you just call tech support?

- Hey! - Not cool!

- What? - There's two kinds of people in this world.

Those who call tech support...

...and those who make fun of the people who call tech support.

I call tech support.

- You call tech support. - What a baby.

And now for our commencement address.

One of our most distinguished alumni...

...noted Caltech physicist, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

Members of the faculty, students...

...I'm excited to speak to you today.

I can't help but remember the last time I was in this auditorium.

Two guys from the lacrosse team played keep away with my asthma inhaler.

But enough about my 10-year reunion.

I'd also like to take a moment to thank my beautiful fiancée...

...for helping to make this speech possible, even though weather nearly prevented it.

Oh, hello. Hi. I didn't know he was gonna point it at me, so...

Don't do drugs and stay in school.

- They're graduating. - Okay, bye.

All right, power is reconnected. I think we're back in business.

Let's just run a few tests before we take it outside.

- Sheldon, we got Wi-Fi? - Check.

- GPS? - Check.

- Battery charged? - Check.

Four hours of our lives gone? Check.

All right, all systems go in five...

Four, three, two, one.

That's what my train used to do.

Ready to call tech support?

Give me the number.

Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy...

...who's reading from the same manual I have.

[PHONE RINGING]

It's my father, you jerks.

- Hello, Daddy. - What did you say to your mother?

Nothing, I was just calling to check in, make sure she's doing okay.

Well, after talking to you, she seems to think I'm some sort of playboy.

Really? I don't know where she'd get an idea like that.

You know Mommy and her crazy imagination.

I'm so lucky I take after you.

- You think you take after me? - Well, I try to.

I certainly wouldn't be a scientist if you hadn't been my role model.

Who wants to go to Vegas in a real helicopter?

It was L. Frank Baum who said:

"No thief, however skillful...

...can rob one of knowledge...

...and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure..."

Wow, I'm boring myself.

Sorry, I can't see any of your faces right now...

...but I bet they look like this...

Uh, heh. You know, I wrote an entire speech...

...to say how high school prepares you...

...and what a wonderful place it is...

...but I hated it.

Maybe high school's great if you look like this...

But I didn't even feel like I existed at that school.

And now that I think about it...

...I bet a lot of you feel the same way.

So for the remainder of my speech...

...this is for the invisible kids.

Uh, maybe you never fit in...

...or maybe you're the smallest kid in school...

...or the heaviest or the weirdest.

Maybe you're graduating and still haven't had your first kiss...

By the way, 19...

...and Geraldine Coco, wherever you are, thank you.

...maybe you don't have any friends.

And guess what. That's okay.

While all the popular kids are off doing...

I don't know what they were doing, I wasn't there...

I'll tell you later.

My point is...

...while you're spending time on your own...

...building computers or practicing your cello...

...what you're really doing is becoming interesting.

And when people finally do notice you...

...they're gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought.

And for those of you who were popular in high school, it's over. Sorry.

Thank you. Congratulations.

[APPLAUSE]

FEMALE VOICE [OVER PHONE]: Your call is important to us.

All our technicians are busy helping other customers.

Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

[MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE]

What happened to me?

When did I become an old man...

...baffled by modern technology?

Next thing you know, I'll be hitching my pants up to my armpits...

...and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.

It is awful, isn't it?

Listen to that noise.

Hang on, hang on. It's working! I did it!

- How'd you do that? - No idea, but I did it!

- Maybe you shouldn't be flying it inside. - I'm not flying it!

- Then who is? - I don't know.

Must be getting a Wi-Fi signal from somewhere else.

Initiate landing sequence! Initiate landing sequence!

Aah!

Hey, the camera's working!

Oh look, it's me. Aah!

MAN [OVER PHONE]: Tech support, can I help you?

Yes, it's a robot uprising.

Call the police!

- So you really think they liked it? - Ah, sweetie, it was the best speech I...

Aah! God!

Don't worry. Everyone in here is safe.

[English - US - SDH]