Original subtitles

I just read about an experiment...

...to see if you can make two people fall in love in hours.

That doesn't sound right.

My research has shown that it takes three to five years of shameless begging.

Honey, neither of us comes off good in that story.

Yeah, I saw that article you're talking about.

The participants ask each other a series of questions...

...designed to promote intimacy.

And finish it off by staring into each other's eyes for four minutes.

Oh, that's nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you...

...and the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.

Other than the fact that I had it, that was a magical night.

Raj, would you try an experiment like that with Emily?

I don't need science to win her heart.

I have my family's wealth for that.

I'm telling you, you can't create love in a few hours. Right?

Careful. You're poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor.

Yeah, well, we don't have to debate this. We're scientists.

We can conduct our own research.

- I propose that we imprison two street people... - No.

- You didn't even let me finish. - Forget it.

Oh! So you can experiment on all the apes you want...

...but I wanna manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings...

...suddenly I'm the monster.

Why don't you just do the test?

In the interest of science, I'd be willing to.

You're okay with an experiment where you answer questions...

...about your innermost feelings?

- Yes. - Please, can I do it with him? Please?

I've been listening to Sheldon's feelings on things for 10 years.

Tag, you're it.

- Yeah, but what if the experiment works? - I'm not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.

AMY: That's what I said.

Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart.

Uh, fun fact: "Pontificate" comes from the Latin word "pontifex"...

...which means bridge builder or pope.

In love yet?

Just out of curiosity, Penny...

...if this experiment does make us fall in love...

...would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, for Gary Con?

It's the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax...

...the cocreator of Dungeons & Dragons.

You know what? I can honestly say if we fall in love...

...not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.

Okay, babe, let's do this.

You guys are really being calm about Penny and Sheldon doing this thing.

- Uh, if it were me, I'd be a little nervous. - Why?

Even if the study's nonsense, I don't believe in tempting fate.

Same reason I wouldn't use a Ouija board or pick a fight with an Asian guy.

Probably doesn't know karate, but why risk it?

I think we're safe.

That's what the bullies at Bruce Lee's high school thought, and then, bam, karate.

Are we just gonna sit here while they do the experiment?

- The two of us could do it. - Yeah, sure, that might be fun.

- What's the first question? - Hang on. Okay.

"Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?"

Hmm.

I can honestly say Penny.

Awww.

Then I choose a janitor, because I'm about to throw up.

I'm in love. Let's do something else.

Ooh, uh, Emily gets off work soon.

- Why don't the four of us go out? - Okay.

- Sounds good. - Should we call Howard and Bernadette?

I don't know when their plane gets in. Let me shoot them a text.

Did he say anything about the funeral?

Not much, but he seemed to be in a pretty good place.

Are you kidding me? You lost my mother's ashes?

No, I'm just saying that sometimes bags are misrouted.

All right, fine. Where did you misroute the only woman who ever loved me?

The first wo... First. I meant first.

I just need some information. Uh, what's the flight number?

Eight-sixteen.

- I really did mean first. - Just drop it.

And can you describe the bag?

Um, it's, uh, black. There's a red ribbon tied to the handle...

The world's greatest mom is in the shoe compartment.

- Are you ready to begin? - Yeah, be right there.

- I assume you don't want wine. - Correct.

You're not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.

What heavy machinery?

Let's just start.

Well, as a Texas gentleman, I'm inclined to say ladies first.

Although I'm concerned that level of politeness and charm...

...might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins.

Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you're familiar with the rules...

- ...of "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard..." - Question one.

"Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?"

Hmm.

- Living or dead? - It just says "anyone in the world."

- I guess that means living. - Eh, it's just as well.

As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof...

...he probably wore sandals, and I cannot look at toes during dinner.

Oh, I know.

The person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.

You sure that's your choice? Because I've had that dinner.

Well, I haven't.

And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint.

- Who would you choose? - Robert Downey Jr.

Ye-Oh...

I didn't think of Iron Man.

Maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.

[SIGHS]

- So, what do you guys wanna do? - We're the ones tagging along. You pick.

Ooh, have you ever been to an escape room?

- Uh-uh, what's that? - Um, it's kind of like interactive theater.

You have to solve puzzles in a certain amount of time to get out.

There's one downtown where they trap you in a room with a zombie.

LEONARD: Hmm. RAJESH: Ooh.

So kind of like what's happening with Penny right now.

"What would constitute a perfect day for you?"

Uh, well, I'd probably sleep in, do a little yoga...

...then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks...

...and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing.

That's it?

- Yeah, why? - You didn't mention Leonard.

He's there.

I don't think so.

Leonard can't stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.

Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What's yours?

Uh, I wake up.

I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup.

Uh, then a wormhole opens...

...and whisks me millions of years into the future...

...where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind...

...from a predatory alien race.

Interesting you didn't mention Amy.

Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?

You're about to enter the lab of the late Dr. David Saltzberg.

While conducting studies on slowing the aging process...

...there was a catastrophic accident, and he died.

Or did he?

- Ladies. - Are you being polite or scared?

Yep.

[ALL OOH-ING AND AAH-ING]

[DOOR SLAMS AND LOCKS]

- This is cool. - So how do we start?

We look for the clues hidden around the room.

Uh, wasn't there supposed to be a zombie?

[SHRIEKS THEN WHIMPERS]

Okay, let's hope one of the clues is written on a pair of clean underwear.

[ZOMBIE MOANS]

Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz?

As far as I can tell, your bag arrived in Los Angeles.

- So where is it? - I don't know.

Perhaps somebody took it off the carousel by mistake.

So some stranger has my mom?

Is that what you're telling me?

My poor mother can be anywhere in Los Angeles right now?

I wish I was telling you that...

...um, but the passenger could have gotten on an international flight.

Oh, okay, great, so your entire job is to find lost luggage...

...and you've narrowed down the location of my mother to the planet Earth.

I'm sorry.

Would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.

"If you could wake up tomorrow...

...having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?"

Well, not to steal from the Bible...

...but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.

I don't think you're taking this seriously.

Come on. I'm just having some fun with you.

I believe what you're doing is using humor to avoid vulnerability.

Fine.

Honestly?

If I could have one quality...

...I wish I could be as smart as you guys.

Ha! Keep dreaming.

- Sheldon. - Oh, I'm sorry.

That was me having fun with you.

Look, you may not be as academically inclined as are we...

Yes, that's how you say it.

...but you possess an intelligence I envy...

- Hmm? - ...which leads me to my answer:

I would choose the ability to read people's minds.

Well, I can't read people's minds.

Actually, that's not true. I can read men's minds.

But only because it's usually the one thing.

When are we going to get robot eyes?

You're all alike.

Well, what I meant was...

...I often misinterpret how others are feeling.

Like, I can't always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me.

You know, like, if they're mad at something I've done or just in a bad mood.

It's incredibly stressful.

- Really? You always seem so confident. - Well, I'm not.

And if I could read people's minds, life would be so much simpler.

Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.

- Well, thank you. - Mmm.

Wow. I just felt this wave of affection for you.

You sure it's not too much Bible juice?

And the wave is gone.

Brains.

- Keep it down. We're working here. - Okay, we've got the cipher decoded.

How's it going with the globe?

- We used the coordinates to locate the cities. - I'm putting the city names in the grid.

- That'll give us the code to the safe. - Solve puzzle too fast. Slow down.

- Yep, got the code. - Just saying, no refund for finish early.

Sure you don't wanna go home?

When the bag's returned, they'll deliver it to us.

No. I'm not leaving without her.

You're right. We'll wait.

- I could have driven her. - What?

The day she left for Florida...

...she asked me to drive her to the airport.

I was too busy...

...and I made her take a cab.

I was too busy.

There's no way you could have known.

Be right back.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

You better find my husband's mother...

...because one way or another, we are walking out of this airport with a dead woman.

[ZOMBIE MOANING]

Which book are we looking for?

- Uh, Origin of Species. - Here it is.

- There's a black light. - Oh, hang on.

[ZOMBIE MOANS]

RAJESH: Oh, okay. Uh, "Brothers and sisters I have none...

...but this man's father is my father's son.

Who am I looking at?"

[ZOMBIE YELLS]

Yeah, yeah, we get it. You want brains. Calm down.

Well, if I don't have a brother, my father's son is me.

And if I'm this man's father, then he's my son. The answer's "son."

- Ooh! There's a picture of the sun. - Bet the key's behind it.

Could be somewhere else.

Oh! Got the key.

So that's the key to the door? That's it?

We spent $200 on six minutes of fun?

It's like when we bought that remote-control helicopter...

...and it just flew away.

Sorry, guys. I really thought the puzzles would be better.

Well, to be fair, we do all have advanced degrees.

Remember that before you post on Yelp.

"If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone...

...what would you most regret not having told someone?"

So it would be today? Huh.

Eh, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.

- Today is your birthday? - Yes.

Well, that's always been a secret. Not even Amy knows.

[SIGHS]

Well, I don't enjoy presents...

...and the thought of people jumping out and yelling, "Surprise!"...

...fills me with more dread than the words "George Lucas director's cut."

So why'd you finally tell me?

The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.

Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won't tell anyone.

Thank you.

That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.

You're making it difficult to love you right now.

- Great news. Your bag was returned. - Oh, thank God.

It's okay. She's here. Ma's here.

Oh, good. Thank you so much.

Ma, I'm sorry I didn't take you to the airport.

I just want you to know that I'll never forgive myself for being so selfish.

And I promise to keep you close for the rest of my life.

Oh, no, that thing's gonna end up in my bedroom.

That's it. We're done with the questions.

All that's left to do is stare into each other's eyes for four minutes.

Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check.

We're good to go.

- You ready? - Yes.

And begin.

This is kind of creepy.

- We're not supposed to talk during this part. - Sorry.

This is kind of creepy.

Do you wanna stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact.

Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris...

...that looks like a Formula One race car...

...so I'm just concentrating on that.

Plus, it's easier around people that I'm comfortable with.

Aww. Sweetie, I'm comfortable around you too.

Of course you are. I'm warm and soothing.

I'm like a human bowl of tomato soup.

I meant more like a little brother.

Oh.

Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister.

And sometimes a mother.

It's getting creepy again.

What?

Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.

It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.

Can you believe it's been eight years?

And you're still eating our food.

I can't remember a time you guys weren't in my life.

I remember it perfectly...

...but I have an eidetic memory.

If you're interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.

[TIMER CHIMES]

- That's it. That wasn't so bad. - No, it wasn't.

Uh, now let's tabulate the results of the experiment.

I think it's safe to say that you're not in love with me...

...and I'm not in love with you...

...and psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.

Well, maybe, but I'm still glad we did it.

I do feel closer to you.

And I you.

And yes, that's how you say that.

So given our newfound intimacy...

...I'd say we have some hard choices to make.

- Like what? - Gary Con: Do we fly or drive?

Do we wear costumes?

And if so, who gets to be Gary?

Thank you for walking me home.

I just wanna make sure you get there safe.

Well, this is me.

- It's been a very interesting evening. - It really has.

- Surprise! - Aaaah!

And after I let you be Gary.

[English - US - SDH]