All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S08E13.The Anxiety Optimization.720p.BluRay.x264.ROVERS

Okay. We're headed out. See you.

Before you leave, could you help me
test these noise-cancelling headphones?

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Go ahead.

Hello? Can you hear me?

Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter
in the water pitcher in two years.

Bernadette's nickname for you is
the virgin piña colada.

Your George Lucas autograph
is really a "me" autograph.

Yeah. Once I was too lazy to walk across
the hall, so I used your toothbrush.

Ooh. One time when you were asleep,
Amy took off her...

And that's why
you're the best roommate ever.

Aww.

Well, now I'm sad I didn't hear it.

So, what do you need those for?

I've been struggling to come up with
a theory of dark matter...

...that doesn't make protons decay.

I'm hoping to finally tackle it
by optimizing my work environment.

See, I've got...
My tea is at the perfect sipping temperature.

I have fleece-lined boxer shorts
to keep my tushie toasty.

Oh, last but not least,
this inspirational cat poster...

...improved with the reassuring face
of physics renegade Richard Feynman.

Is that why you had to take him
to Office Depot last night?

I don't wanna talk about it.

- The place is all yours.
- Have fun.

Oh, I will. Nothing more fun
than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.

And you thought
it was soaping me up in the shower.

[LEONARD CHUCKLES]

Bye.

Okay.

Here we go.

Proton decay...

Proton decay...

Proton decay...

Proton decay...

Proton decay...

- Proton decay...
LEONARD: Hey, we're home.

[SCREAMS]

Any progress?

How could there be
with these constant interruptions?

I love him, but if he's broken
let's not get a new one.

- What are you doing? It's time to go.
- I'm not going to work today.

And would you like to know why?

You spent the night working on
dark matter without a breakthrough...

...and now you're worried you made a mistake
switching fields and you'll sulk all day?

Like a big old baby.

Call me if you need anything.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

I've been cooped up in here too long.

Maybe I need some fresh air.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[PENNY GRUNTING AND MOANING]

Penny?

Penny?

Penny?

What?

You sounded in distress.

I worried something unpleasant
was happening to you.

Like a murder,
or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

No, I'm just doing this awful workout.
I hate it.

Well, if you hate it, why are you doing it?

Although, I could ask the same question
about coitus with Leonard.

I don't know, I guess I like that I hate it.
It makes me work harder.

- And to clarify...
- The exercise, Sheldon.

- Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?
- I'm not going.

Would you like to know why?

You're sad about not getting anything done,
so you're gonna sit around and pout about it?

Boy, I am not nearly as mysterious
as I think I am.

- I invented a game. Wanna play?
- Sure.

It's called "Emily or Cinnamon?"

I give you actual quotes I've heard Raj say...

...and you guess if he was talking to
his girlfriend or his dog.

Go ahead, make fun.
You can't embarrass me.

I've got a beautiful girlfriend and a dog who
loves me so much she drinks my bath water.

Okay. Who was he talking to,
Emily or Cinnamon?

"I want you to know
the bed feels so lonely when you're not in it."

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. I may not be liking
this game so much.

Cinnamon. Give me another one.

Okay. Emily or Cinnamon?

"Check it out. I got us matching sweaters."

We all got the Christmas card. Cinnamon.

You know, a man can care deeply
about a woman and a pet. It's not strange.

Ooh. Emily. I heard him say that to Emily.

Thought you were staying home.

You know, I was, but after talking to Penny
I realized something.

First, she's trying much harder to stay
attractive in this relationship than you are.

And second, the reason
I may not be progressing in my research is...

...I have created too pleasant
of an environment for myself.

What do you mean?

Well, according to a classic psychological
experiment by Yerkes and Dodson...

...in order to maximize performance,
one must create a state of productive anxiety.

So, I'd like to ask you all
to do something for me.

Keep me on my toes.

Just throw me off my game.

You know, essentially, go out of your way
to make my life miserable.

Hold on. What's in it for us?

- Well, I suppose...
- Okay. We'll do it.

Done.

Thirty-three seconds.
Okay. That'll be our baseline.

I won't tell you how to do your job...

...but when a mouse completes a maze,
it gets a food pellet.

It also gets its brain plucked out
with tweezers.

And its last meal was a food pellet?

You're a monster.

All right. Next, we'll introduce
an anxiety-inducing stimulus...

...measure your stress and see how
it affects your problem-solving.

Very well, and good luck.

I'm a pretty laid-back guy.

Ready? Begin.

[SQUEAKING]

[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]

Why did you pop it?

I'm sorry. I was aiming for your heart.

Look. I know you don't like it,
but that's the point.

I need to irritate you
to find your optimal anxiety zone.

And you said no to tickling, polka music
or watching me eat a banana.

Who eats them horizontally?

My mother said that's how good girls do it.

Oh. Perhaps this was a waste of time.

Sheldon, you're a remarkable scientist.

Just be patient. I'm sure you will find
the breakthrough you've been looking for.

- Thank you.
- And if you only do solid research...

...instead of making
a ground-breaking discovery...

...what does it matter?

Only do solid research?

I come to you for help, and you insult me?

- I thought the least you'd...
- Look. Your anxiety levels are right in the zone.

Really? Oh, that's fantastic.

Wait. They're dropping.
Why are they dropping?

- Because you're happy they're elevated.
- Oh, that is infuriating.

Oh, look.
They're going back up again. Terrific.

Oh, no. They're going back down.

All right, guys.
What game do you want to play?

Let's see. How about...

..."Emily or Cinnamon?"

[CHUCKLES]

You know what? It's weird
that you remember me saying all these things.

Maybe the truth is you're jealous
of all my relationships.

Oh, heh. Maybe I am.

Who wouldn't wanna be the girl,
or possibly dog, to hear the words:

"You're so lucky,
you have the shiniest hair."

That is a tough one.

I know he brushes both of them.

- Gentlemen.
- Yeah.

I have figured out the perfect way
for you to irritate me.

I'd like for you to be my
intellectual sparring partners.

From now on, when I make an assertion,
I need you to challenge it.

So, you just want us to disagree
with whatever you say?

Yes.

- And you think that's going to help.
- Yes.

- Well, I don't think that's gonna help at all.
- Oh, no. It will.

See, by keeping my mind engaged,
I'll become more focused.

Howard's right. That'll never work.

Stop fighting me on the premise.
It's scientifically valid.

I'm going to advance propositions.
I just want you to challenge me.

I don't think that's what you want at all.

Of course it's what I want.
Why would I say it if it's not what I want?

Because it is what you want,
and it's not what you said.

I ask you for one simple thing,
and you can't even do it.

- Yes, we can.
- Then do it.

No.

You guys are the worst.

Thank you. I think that was helpful.

So whichever rep has the best sales
for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.

That would be so romantic
for you and Leonard.

Yeah. Clearly, you haven't seen him on the
beach walking around with his metal detector.

If I were going to Hawaii, I'd spend
all my time at the Keck Observatory.

You know the telescopes there
have better resolution than the Hubble?

Really?

Wanna go to Hawaii?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

SHELDON:
Ladies?

Ladies?

- Ladies?
- Come in.

Ladies.

What's up?

As you may know, I've been experimenting
with elevated anxiety levels...

...and I thought, what better way to increase
my discomfort than to subject myself...

...to an evening of tasteless,
uncensored crotch talk.

What exactly do you think goes on here?

Well, conversations that you wouldn't be
comfortable having in front of the opposite sex.

You know, who has the best cervix?

Which sanitary napkin
is all the rage right now?

Men's buttocks and how you wanna pat
and squeeze them.

We were talking about Penny's job.

And how difficult it is to do when
she's bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.

Sheldon, we are just people.

We talk about the same things
you talk about.

You talk about if werewolves can swim?

Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if
the human could swim before he was bitten.

What do you think?

Let's just talk about our periods.

No, hold on. All canines
instinctively know how to swim.

Why wouldn't a werewolf
have the same abilities?

Well, they're not 100 percent wolf.
They're a werewolf.

That's only part wolf.
It's like comparing apples to oranges.

Thank you.

Although, technically it's apples that turn into
were-oranges when the moon is full.

This is fun.

We should do it sometime
when you aren't all PMS-ing. Bye.

[CACKLING, WHEEZING
AND ROARING OVER SPEAKERS]

What is going on?

Oh, I need to keep my anxiety
at the right level...

...so I'm using Darth Vader, The Joker
and Godzilla's roar to stay in that sweet spot.

I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix,
but turns out I love her.

Well, at least listen to it through headphones.
I'm trying to sleep. Good night.

Boy.

Taylor was right.
Haters gonna hate, hate, hate.

You've been working so much lately.

I'm glad you didn't forget about date night.

Of course.

- Sheldon?
- Yeah.

Maybe you wanna put the notebook away
and talk to me.

Oh, no. I can do both.

My brain is working at optimal capacity.

I can have a conversation with you...

...and solve the dark matter
proton-decay problem at the same time.

Fine. How was your day?

Oh, you said it.

Sheldon.

Sheldon, I'm worried about you.

You're not eating,
you haven't slept in days...

...and to be honest,
that cap is starting to smell.

I know.

It's replaced Godzilla
as my principle source of anxiety.

Okay. So it's one vote Emily,
one vote Cinnamon.

Penny, you're the tie breaker.

Say the quote again.

"It's just so perfect that we're both Libras."

Wow, this is hard.

- I'm gonna say Cinnamon.
- Yes.

Come on.

That was the last one, I promise.
We won't play anymore.

Thank you. Because if she ever found out,
it would hurt her feelings.

Emily's feelings?

Yes, Emily.

- Yay.
- Nice.

Whatever, where's Sheldon?

Date night.

Can't be much fun for Amy.

At work today,
he tried his first Red Bull?

- What happened?
- He chased a squirrel around for a while...

...and then threw up in my car.

Don't you think
you should make him stop all this?

I don't know.
He's not really hurting anybody.

You didn't have to scoop vomit
out of your glove compartment.

He is getting a lot of work done.

He had a pretty interesting take on
proton decay.

Wow, if he cracks that,
it's a game changer, guys.

It would completely redefine
our understanding of the physical universe.

Hm. It would.

Okay. Back to "Emily or Cinnamon?"

"How can such a little girl
eat such a big steak?"

Sheldon, I want you to take that cap off.

That nagging tone is helping my anxiety.

If you could go 10 percent less shrill, that
would put the "Zip-A-Dee" in my "Do-Dah."

I'm sorry, but you know we agreed
not to bring work to date night.

There you go. Perfect.

Sheldon, stop it. I'm not kidding.
Take the cap off and put the notebook away.

But after months of struggling,
I'm finally making progress.

You don't need to drive yourself crazy
to be productive.

Yeah, well... Or do I? Hm?

Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia
while convinced he was an armadillo.

- That's not true.
- Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I have been hallucinating lately.

Sheldon, this has to stop.

You need to get some sleep
and take care of yourself.

Amy, I've gotten more done
in the last few days...

...than since I made the switch to dark matter.
What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?

Your thoughts and ideas come from you,
not from your anxiety.

Perhaps, but I'm not taking the cap off.

It's one thing to make yourself miserable...

...but you're making everyone around you
miserable too.

Now I'm telling you for the last time,
take the cap off.

Oh, really?

What if I don't?

And before you answer that,
can I have my dessert?

And then she threw me out.

Me, her very own boyfriend.

When all I've done is try to help humanity...

...reach a more profound
understanding of the world we live in.

Yeah, well, women. What are you gonna do?

I knew you'd understand,
Armadillo Isaac Newton.

Okay.

Here we are.

Hey, what are you trying to pull?

The president of science isn't in here.

You lie down. He'll be here in a minute.

Okay.

I thought you were trying to trick me.

Now, you just get comfortable.

No. No, comfort is the enemy.

You know what's comfortable?

Slippers and blankets and panda bears.

[GASPS]

Imagine a panda bear
with Richard Feynman's face on it.

Warm up the car, Leonard. It's poster time.

- Maybe in the morning.
- Yeah. You get some sleep.

I don't wanna go to sleep.
You can't make me.

You're right. We can't.

Darn straight you can't.
Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep...

[SINGING]
Soft kitty

Warm kitty

Little ball of fur

That's not gonna work.

Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty

- Purr, purr, purr
- Purr, purr

You know, he can be a lot of trouble...

...but when I see him lying here,
asleep like this, I just think...

...how easy it would be
to hold a pillow over his face.

You look like you got some rest.

Oh, I'm feeling much better.

And I've been continuing to make progress
without artificially raising my anxiety levels.

I turned the heat on in my car, and some vomit
came out, so my levels? Right up there.

Hey, guys. Mind if Emily joins us for lunch?

- Yeah, sure.
- Of course not.

So, I hear you guys
have been playing a little game.

Well, we were just kidding around.

You may think it's funny
that Raj is sweet and sensitive.

But I think it's sexy.

Ugh. Why is there dog hair in your mouth?

[English - US - SDH]