Original subtitles

- What are you working on these days? - I'm studying one-celled organisms...

...to find the neurochemicals that lead to the feeling of shame.

What do one-celled organisms have to be embarrassed about?

Same as all of us, getting out of a car without underwear.

Speaking of underwear, I have some interesting news.

If it's sometimes Howie wears yours, Leonard already told us.

He was being funny.

I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, I was asked to be a part of a magazine article...

...about the 50 sexiest female scientists in California. Isn't that cool?

I think it's awful.

Why would you say that?

Bernadette is a successful microbiologist.

She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks.

- What kind of message does that send? - The message is:

"Check out the rack on that scientist."

Why can't someone be thought of as both smart and pretty?

I don't think a professional woman should have to flaunt her sexuality...

...in order to get ahead. PENNY: Okay.

What's the big deal? If it helps me make a sale, I don't think it hurts to flirt.

Laugh at their joke, touch their arm...

...maybe crank up the a.c. in the car beforehand...

...you know, to wake up the girls.

Maybe it's different in the world of sales...

...but it's already hard enough for women to be taken seriously in science.

I was kind of excited about the article, but now you're making me feel bad.

I think you should do whatever you want.

Maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them...

...I would've become a theoretical physicist.

Stop smirking at each other.

- Thank you. - Oh, no. Thank you.

Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation's commerce.

It's because of people like you people like me can limit our human contact.

I'd shake your hand, but, well, you know...

I'm not a delivery man, I'm a doctor.

Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.

That's humorous.

All right.

Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches.

That was also humorous.

DOCTOR: All right.

Are you bringing flowers to a patient...

...to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis?

[LAUGHS]

That wasn't a joke.

All right.

These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.

SHELDON: Hmm.

You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.

Yeah, I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet...

...and then showing up unannounced at her door.

Making the extra effort. Good for you.

Great timing. Food just got here.

- Oh, Siam Palace? - Yes.

- Mee krob and chicken satay? - Yes.

- Extra peanut sauce? - No, but you can have mine.

Ah, uh, very well.

Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours...

...there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.

What?

Why didn't you say that first?

Why didn't you get extra peanut sauce?

We can both play this game.

Can I help you?

Oh, hi. Uh, does Penny live here?

May I ask why?

Well, uh, I met her at my office. She winked at me, and, uh...

...I... I came hoping to initiate a romantic relationship.

Um...

Look, I'm pretty sure she didn't wink at you.

Oh, she did, heh.

Seductively, like this:

And then she touched my arm for two Mississippis. Like, you know...

- ...one Mississippi, two Mississippi... - I got it, I got it.

Listen, uh, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

See, Penny is my fiancée.

Really?

I've never seen her wear an engagement ring.

BOTH: Really?

So am I to presume that her flirtation was just a sales technique?

I think so.

When will I learn?

It's just like the cute girl at the pet store all over again.

Excuse me?

Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis...

...and I bought a $2000 iguana habitat.

Which she was always too busy to come over and see.

You give these to Penny.

You're a lucky man.

Thank you. Sorry.

Oh, um. you probably don't want her to see this.

It's unnecessarily graphic.

Hold on, doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills?

This man is clearly upset.

We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

He tried to score with Penny.

So have these two, and they're having dinner with us.

So how was work today?

It was fine. But you'll be happy to know they pulled the sexy-scientist article.

What happened?

I don't know. They just canceled the photo shoot and said they're rethinking it.

I'm really sorry...

...but I think it's for the best.

You want people focusing on your achievements...

...not staring at your breasts in some magazine.

I guess. It's really not that important.

Hey. Up here.

Sorry, we were just... We were talking about them.

So...

I wasn't gonna say anything...

...but since you seem to be okay with the article being canceled, I have a little confession.

I'm the reason it was pulled.

What? How?

I sent the editors of the magazine a pretty scathing e-mail.

Amy, what did you say?

I simply pointed out...

...that they'd never consider doing an article ranking male scientists on their sexuality...

...let alone showing them in various stages of undress.

Because no one wants to see Neil deGrasse Tyson in a wet T-shirt...

...bent over the hood of a Porsche.

It doesn't make a difference, because they agreed it was in bad taste...

...and now you agree, so, heh...

...Amy saves the day.

No, what happened was you got jealous...

...so you took away a chance for me to get publicity.

But it was bad publicity.

That's for me to decide, not you.

I disagree.

As a female scientist, I think what you do affects all of us.

I think you don't like people expressing their sexuality...

...because no one wants you to express yours.

Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry. That was over the line.

You have a nice night.

Please don't go. Up until my vicious attack, you were the one in the wrong.

Here you go, doctor.

- A Red Zinger with one teaspoon of honey. DOCTOR: Thank you.

Neat Star Trek mug.

I actually have one of the phasers from the original TV show.

- Cool. - How'd you get that?

Easy. Gene Roddenberry needed a vasectomy.

Wait a minute. You've snipped Gene Roddenberry's vas deferens?

Yes.

Wow, you really went where no man has gone before.

I don't like to brag, but, uh, you see, I'm kind of...

...the doctor to the stars' urinary tracts.

ALL: Wow.

You wanna see James Cameron's kidney stone?

ALL: Ooh!

He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator.

That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?

Well, ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn't really get serious...

...until William Shatner's bladder infection.

What'd you get? What'd you get?

Well, he said it was a tribble.

It could be a toupee, but either way, it's pretty cool.

I would love to see your collection.

Anytime. I've got some cool stuff.

When I first started, I thought it'd be a good way to meet women...

...but, well, you know, heh.

- We know. - Preach.

Could I ask you a personal question?

- Sure. - Um...

I mean, you're a guy like me...

...so how'd you get a girl like Penny?

Oh.

Well, you know, just being myself, really.

Oh, please! I'll tell you how he did it.

Implacable, relentless badgering.

In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection...

...and she was a urethra that could not shake him.

I don't know that I'd call myself an infection.

A gallant man would defend his fiancée for being called a "urethra."

Can we please change the subject?

- Hi. - Well, that didn't go your way.

Dr. Lorvis, what are you doing here?

Um, well, actually, I came to see you.

Really? Why?

That's a good question.

Apparently, someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring...

...causing someone to show up, thinking the first someone was available.

Oh, God, don't make it so hard on her. The first someone is the deceitful you.

The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.

Oh, this is very embarrassing.

Dr. Lorvis, I am so sorry, I did not mean to lead you on.

You touched my arm for two Mississippis.

That's why you were mumbling "Mississippi."

- Can we talk in private? - Please, yes.

I'll be right back.

So, what other celebrity genitalia have you handled?

So, what's the deal? You take off your ring when you go to work?

What? No, no. I just put it on the other hand...

...and turn it around.

Keep that hand in my pocket.

Why?

What do you mean "why?" I make more sales if doctors think I'm single.

I did the same as a waitress.

The real question is, what is he doing in your apartment?

He was upset, so Sheldon invited him in for a hot beverage.

- You were okay with that? - No, I got upset.

Sheldon made me a beverage too.

He just showed up at my door. Don't you think that's a little weird?

A little, but he's basically harmless.

He's actually kind of a nice guy.

My company doesn't allow me to socialize with doctors outside of work.

- You gotta get rid of him. - Why am I the one that has to get rid of him?

I can't do it. He's my best client.

All right, I'll get rid of him...

...but you owe me one.

We're going to Oliver's house to see his collection. Wanna go with us?

Yeah, sure.

You owe me.

Oh, my God.

Leonard, I was wrong.

Heaven does exist.

And it's in the basement of a urologist's house in Sherman Oaks.

Welcome to my fortress of solitude.

This is where I go to get away from...

...all my other solitude.

- Come on, it's a replica. - Original.

I think I just cheated on my wife.

- The gun from Hellboy? - Yep.

- How did you get it? - Bought it at auction.

Oh, I was hoping for a juicy tidbit about Ron Perlman's testicles.

WOMAN: Oliver, I'm going to play bingo.

Okay, Mother, have fun.

Still lives with his mom. Yikes, right?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Wow, "Donkey Kong"!

This was my game when I was a kid.

Because it's the story of a blond girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly shaped man?

No, because I liked it.

Well, now don't get defensive.

You're oddly shaped, but you got the girl.

So I've noticed Leonard gets teased a lot about his relationship with Penny.

Yes. If you'd like to join in, the premise is...

...their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.

So you think she'll be single soon?

Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you're too late.

All the squares have been purchased.

Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something.

[ARCADE MACHINES BEEPING]

Leonard, as your friend, I feel I should tell you something.

- What? - I'm still upset about that peanut sauce.

LORVIS: Ooh, could you hold the door?

- Nice flowers. - Thank you. They're for a girl.

I'm being implacable and relentless.

AMY: Isn't she lucky?

She keeps sending me mixed signals, but I think we both want the same thing.

- What's that? - Unconditional love.

- Guess that's all anybody wants. - I guess so.

Well, I hope you get it.

LORVIS: One Mississippi, two Mississippi...

Next game, let's switch helmets.

No, I'd look silly in that helmet.

- I can't take these. - Why not?

I mean, you want what I want. We had two wonderful Mississippis.

But what about the other girl?

Oh, right. Uh...

I'll tell her we should just be friends.

Dr. Lorvis?

Penny, we should just be friends.

You happy?

Do you think he bites?

Stick your hand in there and find out.

You fooled me with that goat at the petting zoo, you will not fool me again.

I wonder where Dr. Lorvis is. He's been gone a while.

Maybe he's playing bingo with his mommy.

Sad how some guys can't cut the apron strings.

Okay, now you're messing with me.

Uh, guys? We're locked in here.

Oh, this day just keeps getting better!

So you just left them alone playing games in your house?

Well, they seemed happy and...

...I thought that would give me time for you and I to get to know each other better.

That was before we met.

We all have a past.

Doc, you gotta see what you're doing is a little creepy.

You sound just like Sigourney Weaver when I followed her into a restroom.

You can't just go chasing after every girl who's nice to you.

That's not what Sheldon says, and he seems to know his way around the ladies.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Leonard. Guess who's back? Dr. Lorvis.

Yeah. You care to join us?

What? You locked them in your basement?

Well, they're not locked in, the door just sticks.

Okay, so how do they unstick it?

They'd need the key.

Okay. Nope. That's it.

We are gonna go over there right now and you are going to let them out.

- Three Mississippi, four Mississippi... - Move it!

Oh, good, you're here. Amy, I am so sorry.

That has to wait. This weirdo locked the guys in his basement.

- What? - She seems nice.

- Who's she... - Just walk!

You can do this!

One ladder left!

- Oh, yeah! - Yes! Next level.

- Leonard, you okay? - I'm better than okay!

I'm having the game of my life!

Dr. Lorvis, isn't there something you want to say?

Yes. I'm very sorry for locking you in my home.

Yeah, that was uncool...

- Get the hammer! Get the hammer! - Got it!

[ALL CHEERING]

Okay, Leonard, let's go.

Just hang on.

Well, while we wait, would you like to see Tobey Maguire's prostate sonogram?

- Sure. - Okay.

Oh, spoiler alert. He was worried about nothing.

[ALL CHEERING]

[English - US - SDH]