Original subtitles

I like your suit.

Oh, thanks. Got a couple new outfits for work.

How's it feel knowing your fiancé's job is to go out and flirt with doctors looking like that...

...while you sit here, you know, looking like this?

- She doesn't flirt with doctors. - Yeah. It's all very professional.

- When you bend over I can see down your shirt. - Okay, good.

Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter?

Oh. Yeah. I'd have to say it's the most exciting time in the history of the field.

Oh. What's going on?

I started doing it.

You know the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter?

I read about that. They're sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines.

Look. Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams...

...we could be on the ground floor of something big.

Not just for theoretical physics, but for astrophysics.

Hang on.

- You guys are gonna work in a mine? - Why not?

You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash.

Perhaps the emotion you're referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.

I think what Penny meant is the thought of you two in a mine is funny.

It's like a cat riding a Roomba.

If they get scared, they'll have hats with lights because down there, it's night-night all the time.

Maybe they can ride around in one of those mine cars that go:

[MIMICS SQUEAKING]

That'll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.

[LAUGHS]

- Are they making fun of us? - Yup.

I miss the old days when I couldn't tell.

So one of my favorite video games of all time is called "Shadow of the Colossus."

It was only for PlayStation 2...

...but then they came out with a new version for PS3 with better graphics.

I finally got a chance to play it, and for some reason, it just wasn't as good as the first one.

Or something about yoga.

I'm sorry. I was thinking about work.

Oh, I was just saying there's this video game...

Yeah. That's when I started thinking about work.

Uh, listen. I've got some good news.

- This is for you. - Oh.

- What is this? - You know how they gave me the company car?

Didn't make sense to have two, so I sold the other one.

- The one I gave you? - Yeah.

And there's your money back. Now we're even.

How great is that?

Uh, yeah.

What?

Nothing.

Oh. I know the car was a thoughtful gesture. I really appreciate it.

- But it doesn't make sense to have both. - You're right.

What should I have done? Taken a picture of us in the car...

...put it in a pink frame with puffy paint around it that says, "Best fiancé ever"?

Doesn't sound that bad.

Well, good, because that's what I did.

Oh, ha, ha.

Thank you. That is so sweet.

Ah, it's not that sweet. I paid for the frame with your money and then got a massage.

You know what, you don't have to give me this. You keep it.

- Why? - The car was a gift.

Something you needed. I was happy to help you.

And I really appreciate it, but now I don't need it. So here you go.

This is silly. You don't need the car, but you could buy something else...

...like a new purse to put all this money in.

Sweetie, I can buy my own stuff. I have a good job now.

I know, and I'm proud of you, but that doesn't mean I can't do something nice. Like this.

I don't want this to be a fight.

- I don't either. - Great. Thank you.

- Can you pass the salt, please? - Sure.

In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.

Hey, Sheldon. You busy?

I'm always busy.

This mind is capable of advanced multi-tasking.

Currently, I'm attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture.

I'm composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I've solved the Penrose conjecture.

And I'm wondering how mermaids have babies.

Don't they lay eggs on a rock?

Now I've got room for another thing. What do you want?

So I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines.

The guys might be right. Sounds rough down there.

For starters, it's very humid and about a hundred degrees.

Well, I'm from Texas, and you're from India.

We're no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.

It's also a live mine so there'll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.

Yeah. I have a lactose-intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.

Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time.

We have to be somewhere.

No toilet, so we'll have to do our business in a bucket.

So it's settled. We're not doing it.

Look. I get it, but...

...before we pass up on an incredible opportunity...

...I was thinking about when Howard was training to go into space...

- ...they put him in a simulated environment. - Interesting.

You're suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.

- Exactly. - Very well.

- So where should we do it? - Well, I'll just Google...

..."hot, dark and moist." See what comes up.

- Uh, Sheldon... - Look. There's all kinds of videos.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hey, you got a sec? - Hi. Sure.

- I was hoping we could talk about the money. - Oh, sweetie. Just forget about it.

No. Hear me out. I know things got weird last night.

Well, leaving an envelope full of cash on my dresser after sex would count as weird.

Well, I think I came up with a pretty good solution.

Why don't we put the money in a joint account?

It'll be our first money together. We can use it for the wedding, the honeymoon.

Yeah. That's great. I love that.

Of course you do. I'm not just a genius in bed.

[IN HIGH PITCH VOICE] "You sure are, baby."

You two wanna be alone?

I want you to know I get why you don't want the money.

The new job. You're excited about being financially independent.

I am nothing but proud of you.

Oh, thank you so much. It feels so good to hear you say that.

I want you to know that I get this job changes the balance in our relationship.

And I'm trying to be sensitive to that.

What?

Well, I just think that you're hung up on the money because I'm less reliant on you now...

...and that's a little scary.

Hmm.

Maybe.

Or maybe I tried to do something nice...

...and maybe you had a problem with it because of your control issues.

"Control issues."

Maybe.

Or maybe...

...now that I'm no longer an out-of-work actress who can't pay for her own dinner...

...that makes you a little insecure.

I can't believe you'd say that. You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.

You know what, I'm sorry. It's stupid to fight over money.

I'm sorry too. We're about to share the rest of our lives together.

It's our money. Who cares who has it?

Ugh. You're right. Who cares?

Get that money out of my back pocket, or I'll break your fingers.

Huh. I never knew there were steam tunnels down here.

Most universities have them.

When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority.

- Did you get in? - No. They forgot I was there...

...but it really opened up my pores.

According to my research...

...the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.

It'll be more accurate than the steam room at the gym.

Plus there's almost no chance we'll see any of our co-workers half-naked.

Or totally naked.

I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.

Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours.

If we run into any problems, I'll contact you.

If anything bad happens, what's the rule?

Save you first, come back for Raj only if there's time.

We're going to be fine.

[SHELDON EXHALES SHARPLY]

Sheldon, I'm really impressed you're willing to try this.

Admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat...

...small places, going below floor level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes...

...and eliminating in Home Depot buckets.

That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that's gonna rocket to the top of the list.

RAJ: I'm sweating already.

As the person beneath you, allow me to say, "I know."

- How hot is it? - Let's see.

Seven-hundred and four...? No. Wait. it's on "clock."

Uh, the real answer isn't much better, 102 degrees.

That's what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.

True.

Sheldon's mine-simulation log. Entry one.

Koothrappali's restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.

- Thanks again for having us. - Of course.

What did you wanna talk about?

Now that we're engaged, we had questions about how you handle money as a couple.

I told you they weren't gonna ask us to swing with them.

I didn't think they were going to.

I just wanted to have a way to say no without hurting Leonard's feelings.

Well, nailed it.

What did you wanna know?

Well, do you guys ever fight over money?

Sure. Sometimes.

It can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.

You didn't have to say, "So much more." Heh.

I didn't have to, but for the sake of accuracy, I felt that I should.

I brought significant assets into the relationship too.

Like what? Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?

For your information, I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.

Without asking me?

There were only three minutes left in the auction.

It was a mint-condition "Scotty" from a smoke-free home.

- How much, Howie? - Not a lot.

How much?

Let's not talk about this in front of our friends.

Was it more or less than falconry school?

For the 10th time, that was a Groupon.

Like I would swing with him.

How you feeling?

Good.

A little claustrophobic.

Let's set up the equipment. It'll help take your mind off of it.

Miners often sing mining songs to keep their spirits up.

- Do you know any mining songs? - Just the hits.

[SINGING] Where it's dark as a dungeon And as damp as the dew

That's pretty.

Where the dangers are double And the pleasures are few

Where the rain never falls And the sun never shines

Yes, it's dark as a dungeon Way down in the mines

It's a little more bleak than I thought.

Well, I pray when I'm dead And the ages shall roll

That my body will blacken And turn into coal

We're getting kind of grim.

Then I'll look from the door Of my heavenly home

And pity the miner That mines my poor bones

Okay. How about a little Miley Cyrus next?

Who's he?

Talk about wasted money, what about the late fees on our credit card...

- ...because somebody didn't pay on time? - I would've paid it...

...if I wasn't doing everything else around here.

You're saying I don't do anything around here?

Look at my chore chart.

- She made him a chore... - I see it.

"Do the dishes." There's a star right there.

That was a pity star. Putting water in the roasting pan...

...and leaving it in the sink is not doing the dishes.

That pan had to soak, and you know it.

Don't come crying to me when you don't get your allowance.

It's not an allowance. It's a stipend.

And we said we weren't gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends.

[DOOR SLAMS]

I usually don't like lemon bars, but these are really good.

So as Hannah Montana...

...Miley was a world-famous pop star.

She would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl.

Which, I don't have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.

That's preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?

But you're okay with Superman concealing his identity with glasses?

He doesn't just put on a pair of glasses.

He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.

AMY: You guys doing okay down there?

I told you to use the walkie-talkie.

AMY [OVER RADIO]: You guys doing okay down there?

Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.

I'm going to the vending machine. Do you want anything?

This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.

Okay. Just checking.

We should have asked her to get some Funyuns.

You're not going to have Funyuns when we're a mile below the Earth.

What if we brought them down with us?

We'll take some Funyuns.

Anything else?

Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers...

...and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player...

...and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.

Have her get season two. Season one it was still finding itself.

Sorry you guys had to see that.

- Don't apologize. - It makes it harder...

...to pretend it never happened.

Money's a sensitive subject for Howie because of the difference in our income.

It really bothers him?

Sure. There's still a lot of pressure on guys to be providers.

So even though he's happy for me, it's just a little tough on him.

Uh-oh.

- What? - Well...

...if I do well in sales, I could end up making more than you.

Not a problem. I grew up with a mother...

...who emasculated my father financially and in every other aspect of his life.

Really, it's what I think love looks like.

I'll be right back. I'm gonna go check on him.

Maybe it's a good thing we came here. It's like a lesson in what not to do.

I don't want money to come between us.

It won't. Let's promise to figure this stuff out before we get married.

HOWARD: Why are you being so bossy? BERNADETTE: Why are you being a baby?

HOWARD: I'm not a baby. I'm a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where's my star?

- Should we go? - Hang on. I wanna see if he gets the star.

This heat is brutal.

As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India...

...you should know fanning yourself in a humid environment raises your body temperature.

Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me.

Let's get our minds off how uncomfortable we are.

We could take some more simulated instrument readings.

My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.

- How's that going? - You tell me.

I feel like I can't breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open...

...and suck the air right out of your lungs.

Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop.

- We're not stopping. - You don't have to bite my head off.

I apologize. I just...

I'm plagued by an internal struggle.

If you would just use the bucket, you'd be so much more comfortable.

My struggle is emotional.

- Is it Amy? - It's dark matter.

When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy.

I rose to a position of respect...

...and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory.

Now here I am in my 30s.

I'm back at square one.

And frankly, it's frightening.

Sheldon, you know what I think of when I'm scared?

Voyager.

Voyager the space probe, or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?

- The space probe. - Good.

I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.

By the time I was born, Voyager 1's mission was supposed to be over.

It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons...

...but it kept going.

When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life.

I had no idea what lay ahead.

Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is...

...still out there.

Somewhere beyond our solar system.

Going further than anyone ever thought it could.

Don't leave. You can do this.

Sheldon, is everything okay?

It's too late for Koothrappali. Let's go.

Eleven minutes. That's longer than I thought.

RAJ: They're in my shirt. They're in my shirt. They're in my shirt!

Okay, this is definitely the most fun thing we can do with the money.

I've never done it on a big old pile of cash before.

"Me neither, Leonard. It's my first time too."

I'm so sorry I made you feel bad about the money stuff.

- It's okay. - No. It's not okay.

I want us to be partners. Equals.

Adults in a mature relationship.

I want that too.

Now, let's talk about your birthday party.

Ooh, Laser tag. Laser tag.

- Do you really need me to transcribe this? - You're not doing it for me.

You're doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle.

SHELDON [ON RECORDING]: Sheldon's mine simulation log.

Entry four.

My Kit Kat has melted.

All is lost.

You call yourself a friend?

I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble...

...you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats.

You're a completely selfish human being and a physical and moral coward.

His statements of the obvious continue to annoy.

[English - US - SDH]