All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S07E04.The.Raiders.Minimization.720p.BluRay.x264.ROVERS

♪ (INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS) ♪

- So what did you think?
- It was good.

That's it? "Good"?

I enjoyed it.

When you told me I was going to be
"losing my virginity,"

I didn't think you meant showing me
Raiders of the Lost Ark

for the first time.

My apologies.
I chose my words poorly.

I should have said

you were about to have
your world rocked on my couch.

Anyway, thank you for watching it.

It's one of my all-time favorites.

It was very entertaining,

despite the glaring story problem.

Story problem?

Oh.

Amy...

What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are.

Raiders of the Lost Ark is
the love child

of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas,

two of the most gifted filmmakers
of our generation.

I've watched it 36 times,

except for the snake scene
and the face-melting scene,

which I can only watch
when it's still light out, but...

I defy you to find a story problem.

Here's my jaw... drop it.

All right.

Indiana Jones plays no role
in the outcome of the story.

If he weren't in the film,
it would turn out exactly the same.

Oh, I see your confusion.
You don't understand.

Indiana Jones was the one in the hat
with the whip.

No, I do,
and if he weren't in the movie,

the Nazis would have still found
the ark,

taken it to the island,
opened it up and all died,

just like they did.

Let me close that for you.

♪ (THEME SONG PLAYS) ♪

- Hey!
- Hi!

I thought you went to the comic book
store on Wednesdays.

Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy
were having date night

and they don't need me there
to make it awkward.

They have each other for that.

So, how was school?

Oh, good. Check it out.

The Disappointing Child
by Beverly Hofstadter. Oh!

- You bought my mom's book?
- Yeah!

It's on the recommended reading list
for my psychology class.

Oh!

Come on. Not that book.

It's got, like, every horrible story
from my childhood in it.

Oh, cool. Are there pictures?

Seriously, please find another book.

Oh, come on. Why?
How bad could it be?

There's chapters
about potty training,

and bed-wetting and...

masturbation.

Basically, if something came
out of me, she wrote about it!

You know what?
Do whatever you want,

just don't talk to me about it.

Not even the chapter
on the breast-feeding crisis?

It was not a crisis.

Apparently, I favored the left one.
She got a little lopsided.

Oh, my God, you still go left!

Which celebrity would you say
I look like the most?

Halle Berry.

Why?

Stuart and I are putting
dating profiles online,

and it's one of the questions.

And thank you. I'd kill
for that woman's bone structure.

Why are you reading
Pride and Prejudice?

I'll tell you why.

Amy ruined
Raiders of the Lost Ark for me,

so now I'm trying to find something
beloved to her and ruin that.

Because her life wasn't enough?

Wait. How can anyone ruin
Raiders? It's perfect.

Yeah, except for the fact

that Indiana Jones is completely
irrelevant to the story.

With or without him, the Nazis find
the ark, open it, and die.

(GRUMBLING)

Hey, wait a minute. No, the Nazis
were digging in the wrong place.

The only reason they got the ark
was because Indy found it first.

Actually, they were only digging
in the wrong place

because Indy had the medallion.

Without him, they would have had
the medallion and dug in the right place.

(GRUMBLING)

Okay, I know you don't
want to talk about it,

but can I just ask you one question
about your mom's book?

- No.
- I just want to know

why a five-year-old boy puts
on his mom's makeup

and wears balloon boobies.

They weren't boobies.
They were muscles.

And the makeup was green.
I was pretending to be the Hulk.

You were wearing her bra.

That was to keep my muscles
from sagging!

Can we please stop talking
about this?!

Okay, okay. But you know,
as a student of psychology

who got a check-plus on her
first homework assignment...

I think, sometimes, it's good
to open up about these things.

Okay, fine. Do you want to know
why I dressed like the Hulk?

Because I was always mad at my mom

and I wanted to smash
my way out of that house.

- Well, why were you so angry?
- Gee, I don't know.

Maybe it's because I was always
the subject of her little experiments.

Did you get to the chapter
where she staged the Easter egg hunt

with no eggs to see how long
I'd keep looking?

The answer, by the way: June.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I wish there was something I could do
to make you feel better.

- I do, too, but there's not.
- Really? Are you sure about that?

Of course, who am I to argue
with a check-plus student?

Just warning you,
I'm gonna go right.

Don't make a big deal out of it.

Is makeup really necessary?

Well, when someone looks
at your dating profile,

the first thing they see is
your picture.

I just want to make sure
you look fun and full of life

and not like a body
they just pulled out of the river.

All right, here we go,
and... smile.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Okay. That one's in the bank.

How about this? Turn away,
and then turn back into it.

But when you do, imagine the camera
is the girl you want to meet.

You got it.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Okay... let's try it again.

But this time, pretend the girl
you want to meet

doesn't want to hurt you.

I don't think I can give you that.

Come on. One more time.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Yeah, it's...
it's a little blurry,

but I think that works in your favor.

- Do you want a beer?
- Sure.

Hey, have you finished writing
your profile yet?

Almost.

Oh, what did you put as the one-word
description of yourself?

I put "unobjectionable."

But now that I hear it out loud,
it just seems like I'm being cocky.

What did you put
for your best feature?

My parents' money.

What did you put
for your best feature?

I put "not applicable."

Come on, dude,
you're being too hard on yourself.

You've got a lot of good stuff
going on.

Really? Like what?

Well, okay, you're a talented artist.
You own your own business.

Neither of those things have
ever helped me meet a woman.

Okay, well, can we imply
that you're well-endowed?

I do have one oddly long testicle.

Okay, now you're talking like
a winner!

What you doing?

Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved
Pride and Prejudice

is a flawless masterpiece.

He's got too much pride,

she's got too much prejudice...
it just works.

So you're looking to ruin something
for her in the funny pages?

Amy has a fondness
for the comic strip Marmaduke.

- And...?
- And I think I've got it.

Consider: A family possesses a dog
that is so large

and poorly disciplined,
he causes nothing but problems.

Why do they keep him?!

Maybe they fell in love with him
as a puppy

and didn't know how big
he was gonna be.

Of course.

You know, why couldn't
she just like Ziggy? Yeah?

That thing's riddled with plot holes.

Sorry, buddy.

I think she's a fan of Garfield
as well.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, darn it, now so am I.

I'll see you later. I got to go watch
a stupid football game with Penny.

Wait, hang on.
You've spent time with Amy.

Can you think of anything
she's fond of

that has a bunch of flaws
she hasn't noticed?

I got to go.

- You ready to go?
- Yep. Hey, and maybe this time,

you don't try and talk sports
with the guys.

Some sports bar.

It's like they never
even heard of Quidditch.

Do we really have to go?

Oh, come on. Every time we're
about to hang out with my friends,

you don't want to.

It's like, "It's too loud,"
or "The bathroom's too dirty,"

or "They put a chicken wing
in my ear." I mean...

Well, you're right.
Let's just go.

- Hey, what's going on with you?
- Nothing, I'm fine.

All right, hang on.
Is this still about your mom's book?

No. Not everything is about my mom.

'Cause if you're still upset
about that, we don't have to go.

Except this is totally about my mom.

I'm so sorry.
I never should have read that book.

You know what? You want to just get
dinner and watch the game here?

- That sounds nice.
- Okay.

Or, you know, we could get take-out

and watch the Blu-ray
extended version

of The Hobbit movie
with commentary track.

On account of how sad I am
about my mom.

Leonard, you ready for lunch?

One sec!

Hey. Sorry.

- Hi, Penny.
- Hi.

All right, sweetie.
You hang in there today.

I'll try, but I might be sad
again tonight.

Okay.

Wow! Sex at work?!

Leave it alone.
That's my girlfriend.

- Sorry.
- Who just had sex with me at work!

Damn.
How'd you swing that?

Whenever I talk about
how awful my mom was,

Penny will do anything
to make me feel better.

- Seriously?
- Look, I mean...

I'm not proud of it,
but it does work.

I got her to watch a six-part
documentary on Monty Python.

Even I was bored, I just wanted
to see if she'd make it to the end.

You sound kind of proud of it.

- I am. I'm really proud.
- Yeah.

Hello, Sheldon.
Is everything okay?

Yes. Why?

Well, the last time you made
an unscheduled video chat,

there was a curly fry
in your regular fries

and you thought someone might be
trying to slip you a mickey.

April 13...

a dark night, indeed.

So what can I do for you?

I'm calling to invite you

to a spontaneous date night
tomorrow evening.

- Really?
- Yes.

You were kind enough to watch
Raiders of the Lost Ark with me.

So I'd like to return the favor
by inviting you to watch an episode

of your favorite childhood
television series,

Little House on the Prairie.

That sounds lovely.

Why are you rubbing your hands
together?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm putting on lotion.
Are you in or not?

Of course I'm in.

Excellent.
Then I shall see you tomorrow.

Good night, Dr. Fowler.

Good night, Dr. Cooper.

Good night, indeed.

What a rube.

Why would I put on lotion
when I have such soft hands?

You were really quiet during dinner.
Is everything okay?

Yeah. I guess I was just thinking
about my mom,

and how sad my childhood was.

Yeah, I bet it sucked.

I'm gonna take a bath.
You do the dishes.

How about I take a bath with you
and see what happens.

Here's what's gonna happen:

I'm gonna take a bath,
and you're gonna do the dishes.

That's it?
No compassion?

Aw, poor Howie.
We good? I'm gonna take a bath.

Bernie...

God, what is going on with you?

I'm sharing my pain.

And I'm not buying it. Try again.

I'm learning to be a man in a culture

where it's increasingly difficult
to know how.

Strike two.

I'm copying Leonard.

When he does this to Penny,
they have sex and watch Monty Python.

- Howard!
- I know. It was dumb.

I shouldn't have done it.
And it's making me feel sad.

So sad.

You know, why don't you take a bath?
I'll do the dishes.

Three, two, one...

That's it.

Our dating profiles are live
on the Internet.

Attention all shoppers:
my business is open for business!

That's right, ladies.

For all you know,
I'm confident and fun to be around.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Oh, cool, it tells you
when someone's reading your profile.

"Jenny309."

I hope that's not her weight.

If it is, I'll... I'll take her.

(COMPUTER DINGS)

Ooh! I got one, too.

The ladies are coming to us.

Oh, man,
if I'd started this years ago,

I'd be divorced two or three times
by now.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

What...? Another one.

You know, it's weird.

When they're reading your profile,
does it make you feel exposed?

Like they see you naked?

Well, they're not running away
screaming, so, no.

I love Little House.

It made me want to live
on a farm so much

I tried to milk my cat.

That tangy bowl of Cheerios
was not worth the stitches.

Well, you sit back, relax,

and enjoy a beloved
childhood memory.

♪ (LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
THEME PLAYS) ♪

You see that cabin there?

I read they were illegally squatting
on Indian land.

Personally, I think what we did
to the Native Americans was wrong,

but this is your favorite show,
not mine.

Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls,
eating that peanut butter sandwich.

Peanut butter?

Huh...

That's strange,

since peanut butter wasn't introduced
until the early 1900s.

If I knew this show was
about time travel,

I would have watched it much sooner.

(TURNS OFF TV)

You're trying to get back at me

for what I said
about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

That's silly.

Almost as silly as Dr. Baker
having a telephone,

since telephones only existed
in large cities at that time.

This is more like Little House
on the Preposterous.

Sheldon, we're in a relationship.

When you get angry, just tell me.

You don't need to seek revenge.

Are you sure?

Every time my dad stayed out
all night,

my mom would put hamster poop
in his chewing tobacco.

Well, that's not how
we're going to do it.

Fine.

I'm mad at you.

Not only did you ruin Raiders for me,

you may have ruined
the whole franchise.

Except for the fourth one,

which was bad
before you got your mitts on it.

I shouldn't have said it.
I'm sorry.

Thank you.

- Do you feel better?
- Yes.

But not as good as I'm going
to when I tell you

that your precious Garfield has
no reason to hate Mondays.

He's a cat.
He doesn't have a job.

Hey, I was just...
What is happening?

Oh, just a little treat.

I know you've been feeling really bad
about your mom lately.

Oh, oh, I have. So bad.

And I wanted to make you feel better,

so I planned something
very special for you.

I can already feel it working.

Hello, Leonard.

Mom?!

I understand you have been whining
about my parenting

in order to emotionally manipulate
your girlfriend.

I... uh...

Bernadette told me everything.

Now you don't get the left
or the right.

Let's discuss why you continue
to involve me in your sex life.

Oh, please, Mommy.
No, Mommy.

When you were six years old,

you walked in on me
and your father naked.

I was swatting his bottom with
your brand-new Ping-Pong paddle.

I didn't dream that?

How did that make you feel?

Penny, come back!
I'm sad for real now!

In the last two hours,
162 women have read our profiles.

How many of them
have sent us messages?

- Combined?
- Yes.

Zero.

Dude, this is... this is brutal.

I don't think I've ever felt
so rejected.

And I had a rescue dog
who ran back to the pound.

This is the worst.

If we're gonna get shot down,

we might as well just go to a bar
and do it old-school.

- And make them look us in the eye.
- Yeah, anything is better than this.

- Hello.
- Not interested.

♪ (POP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I was wrong. This is worse.

♪ (INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS) ♪

Wait, wait.
If it wasn't for Indiana Jones,

the ark would never have ended up
at the warehouse!

That's true!

He collected and delivered the ark
to the proper authorities for filing.

- Like a hero!
- Yes!

Although, technically,
Indy was supposed to take the ark

to a museum to be studied.
He couldn't even get that done.

(ALL GRUMBLE)

(English - US SDH)