Original subtitles

The interface is pretty simple.

You put your horizontal X-coordinate here, vertical Y-coordinate here.

When you're happy with those, press this button.

Got it.

Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found online. Hey.

- Nice shot. - Eh, his giant head did most of the work.

Very mature. You're lucky I'm out of Silly String.

As I was saying, Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found online.

- Professor Proton. - You're kidding.

- He's still alive? - Yes.

- Who's Professor Proton? - He was the host of this great... Hey.

Yes. Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton.

Professor Proton hosted my favorite science show when I was a child.

I never missed an episode.

He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.

It was pretty cool.

Aw. It's so cute when you use the word "cool" wrong.

Like when kids say "pasghetti."

Oh, dear Lord. Leonard, look.

He's still available for parties and events.

- We should hire him. - Hire him to do what?

Whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments...

make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.

It would be awesome to hang out with him. I just used "awesome" wrong, didn't I?

Well, I'm e-mailing him right now.

- Do you remember his old theme song? - Of course I do.

Grab your goggles, put your lab coat on.

Here he comes, Professor Proton.

Hey, uh, I just found out I have to be at the telescope lab all weekend.

Any chance you and Bernadette could take care of my dog?

- Why don't you put her in a kennel? - Why don't you put your mother in a home?

To be honest, she'd do better in the kennel.

- I'll talk to Bernie. I'm sure it's fine. - Thank you.

It's happening. Leonard, it's happening.

Professor Proton is coming to our house.

You're kidding.

You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show?

And you just got yourself uninvited.

See, I told you I'd find a tactful way to do that.

- How'd you get him to come to your house? - As Professor Proton always says:

"There is no problem you can't solve if you use your noggin."

- And he wrote him a check. - Yeah, that too. Big check.

Uncle Howard.

Cinnamon's here for her sleepover party.

You know if you had a stroke, she'd eat you, right?

And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num.

Okay, so, what do I need to know to take care of her?

It's very simple.

For breakfast, she has an egg white frittata.

Give her a choice of home fries or an English muffin.

But not both. We're watching our weight.

Uh, for dinner, something simple, a veal chop, some scampi, whatever you like.

- Classy dog. - Yes.

Also, don't forget to close the toilet or she'll drink out of it.

I feel for you. Heh.

I've got a psychotic mommy too.

Leonard, are you in bed?

Yes.

Me too.

Great.

I can't sleep.

Well, I can, so shut up.

Do you realize that in less than nine hours, Arthur Jeffries...

a. K.a. Professor Proton, will be in our apartment?

You know if you stay up all night, you're going to be sleepy tomorrow.

And a sleepy Sheldon is a cranky Sheldon. And a cranky Sheldon...

is actually no different than a regular Sheldon. Good night.

I'm thinking of wearing a tuxedo.

That's not ridiculous. Good night.

Do you have cufflinks?

- No. - Just as well.

Where can you rent a tuxedo at 3:00 in the morning?

Okay. Good night.

Nice to meet you, Professor Proton.

Nice to meet you, Professor Proton.

Nice to meet you, Professor Proton.

Nice to meet you, Profe...

Ow!

Leonard?

What?

I still can't sleep.

She really, uh, tuckered herself out at the park, huh?

Yeah. You two were so cute playing together.

It was kind of fun throwing a ball and not having anyone laugh at me.

And you were sweet not to throw it too far so she didn't wear out her tiny legs.

Heh, yeah, that's what I was doing.

There were a few moments today when I felt like we were a little family.

- Really? - Yeah.

I never thought of myself as a mom, but when we were out...

I felt like someday we could do it.

Of course we can.

Especially if our baby's as calm and quiet as little Cinnam...

Son of a bitch, she's gone!

- Well, where'd she go? - I don't know. She didn't leave a note.

You were supposed to put her back in the stroller.

- No, I wasn't. You were. - No, I wasn't.

- Yes, you were. - Yeah, well, you throw like a girl.

I'm getting worried.

Relax, Sheldon, he's only a few minutes late.

Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV.

You know, every day, 4:00, he was there.

Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, then we'd join him in progress.

It's him.

Hello?

Well, I see.

Yes.

All right, we can come get you. Yeah, we'll see you soon.

- Bye. - Where is he?

The third floor landing. The poor old guy's

been walking up the stairs for half an hour.

It's really you.

Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry.

We should have told you about the broken elevator.

I agree.

Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.

Uh, just call me Arthur.

Leonard...

did you hear that?

Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur.

That means we're friends.

No, a friend would have told me about the elevator.

Look at me.

I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it's going to ruin my eyes.

Is, uh, he dangerous?

Actually, he's a genius.

I am.

That doesn't answer my question.

Mr. Jeffries, I'm Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny.

- Hi. - Hello.

Well, I hope I haven't, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for the show.

Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the show's for me.

Come on, I'll race you...

Arthur.

Is the blond girl really your girlfriend?

- Yes, sir. - You're the genius.

So do you do a lot of appearances like this?

It's hard to say. I'm still trying to figure out...

what this is.

We just wanted to hang out with you and maybe learn a little about your life.

Well, there really isn't too much to tell.

After the TV show was canceled...

nobody in the scientific world would take me seriously...

so I was forced to do these children's parties to make a living.

That's too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.

You get bit a lot.

Let me see if I have this straight.

You two are physicists...

and you want me to do a children's science show?

Yes.

And if there's time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.

You know, I'm a real scientist.

I have a PhD from Cornell University.

Yeah, that's great. Did you bring your puppet?

No. No.

I hate that puppet.

Oh, no.

How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino?

It's nice, huh?

I got him for 20 bucks on eBay.

Including the shipping.

I'm awake, right?

This is happening?

- Cinnamon! - Cinnamon!

You know, maybe she doesn't recognize her name because of Raj's accent.

Good thinking.

Cinnamon, come to Daddy.

Cinnamon, where are you, my little lamb chop?

- Nice. Heh. - Thanks.

When this all blows over, remember that voice.

It's kind of a turn-on. Heh.

It turns you on when I sound like Raj?

Cinnamon!

Okay, as I put the egg on top...

and the flame goes out...

and the air pressure decreases in the flask...

what do you think will happen?

- I think I know. - It's gonna get sucked in.

It's going to get sucked in.

Okay, I didn't know.

Yes.

See, I'm not a scientist like them. Heh.

I figured that out.

- Potato clock. Do potato clock. - What's that?

I power a clock with a potato.

Shut up. You can do that?

I mean, heh, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis?

No.

Look, guys, keep your money. I think I'm done.

What's wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away.

No, she's the only reason I've stayed this long.

Then what is it?

I don't know. I think I'm just...

I just don't want to be Professor Proton anymore.

Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton's the best.

What has it ever gotten me?

I mean, I'm an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in his suitcase.

Other scientists think I'm a joke.

And the puppeteer who did Gino...

well, he also...

did my wife.

Mr. Jeffries, I need to show you something.

- I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. - Uh, thanks.

But if you don't mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work?

Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?

What do you two talk about?

I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas...

and you sent this autographed picture back to me.

Do you remember that?

I'll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it.

Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe...

but I didn't have any friends growing up.

No, I get that.

But, um, I did have you.

And every day at 4:00, you'd come to my house on Channel 68...

and we'd do science together.

If it hadn't been for you, well, who knows what would have become of me, you know?

Instead of a world-class physicist, I could've wound up as a hobo...

or a surgeon.

I bet there are important discoveries being made every day...

because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science.

In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.

It's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.

Well, thank you, guys. That means a lot.

Well, it's important you know how much you mean to us.

- Uh-oh. - Arthur, are you okay?

I'm having...

a problem with my pacemaker.

I'll call for help.

Any chance we could plug it in to the potato?

No.

Hello?

What do you mean you found my dog? She's with my friends.

Is she okay?

Thank you. Uh, just text me your address, I'm on my way.

If she's hungry, go ahead and feed her but do not give her anything starchy.

She's having risotto for dinner.

Your vitals are stable, but let's take you in for tests just to be safe.

- Want one of us to go in the ambulance? - I'll do it.

He's not a relative, he's not allowed, right?

- No, it's not a rule. He can go. - Oh, yes.

I can't catch a break today.

We'll pack up your stuff, meet you at the hospital.

Sorry things turned out this way.

Well, at this point, I'm just glad someone's carrying me down the stairs.

Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance.

Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this will be the best day ever.

I can't believe we lost her.

What was I thinking? I'd be a terrible mom.

Maybe with the first one.

But kids are like pancakes, the first one's always a throwaway.

- How's this look? - It's fine.

Where'd you get that picture of her?

It's not her. I Googled "foo-foo little dogs."

It's Raj. Stay quiet.

Hey, heh, bad timing. Bernadette just took Cinnamon out for a walk.

Interesting. Did they take a walk down Liars' Lane?

- What? - A lane frequented by liars.

Like you, you big liar.

- You have her? - Thank God she's okay.

Well, I trusted you and you let me down. The poor thing's been shaking for hours.

- I'm really sorry. - Hang on, you've had her for hours?

Yes. I picked her up and then we both went for massages to try and calm down.

And then we got Pinkberry.

You knew she was okay and you couldn't pick up the phone to tell us?

- Well, I thought about... - Don't "well" me, mister.

We've been worried sick.

She could have been dead for all we knew. You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Sorry, I just... - Sorry's not good enough.

Maybe you need to take some time and think about what you've done.

Nice guilt trip. Heh. You are gonna be an amazing mom.

Soft kitty, warm kitty.

Little ball of fur.

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty.

Purr, purr, purr.

Thank you, Sheldon. That was very nice.

- Want me to sing it again? - No.

The fourth time was the charm.

There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?

No, no, thank you, but I do have a favor to ask.

- Name it. - Well, I'm booked to do...

a children's party tomorrow...

and frankly, I don't feel up to it.

Oh, you're not. You look awful.

Thank you.

Anyway, uh, you know my act better than anybody...

I was hoping that maybe you'd fill in for me.

Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?

- Yeah. - Oh, my.

What an honor. Oh, this is like being asked to...

ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.

Or a Korean family in Alhambra.

But they'll know I'm not you.

Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr?

Sounds great.

So in a way, it's like I'm your son.

Whatever.

Father.

Sure, what the hell.