Original subtitles

Oh, dear.

Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?

- No. - Answer honestly. This is not a trial.

That will come later.

Absolutely not.

Help me out here. I can't afford another demerit.

Uh, maybe we were hacked. The Chinese have been hacking everything lately.

Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

I don't know.

It's a fat guy on a Segway. That's funny everywhere.

- I'm deleting it. - Hang on.

Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.

If you're trying to make space on the DVR...

why don't you get rid of stuff you've already watched? Like Alphas.

No, that's the season-two finale. Quite the cliffhanger.

I'm gonna rewatch it before season three starts.

There's no season three. They canceled that show.

Well, they can't cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.

Well, they did.

There are two dumplings left. Want them?

Dumplings? Don't you understand what's going on here?

As a rule, no.

That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious.

Now I'll never know what happened.

Why don't you make up your own ending?

Oh. Sure, what a wonderful idea.

And after that I'll make up my own rules of oral hygiene...

and instead of flossing, I'll rub pudding on my gums.

I'm gonna get the number of the Syfy Channel and give them what for.

Oh, please don't do that.

No. They can't just cancel a show like Alphas.

They have to help the viewers let go.

Firefly did a movie to wrap things up.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book.

Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season...

until we were grateful it ended.

I feel bad for whoever gets that phone call.

Ah, don't. If they didn't wanna be yelled at by crazy nerds...

they shouldn't have started a sci-fi channel.

I think you're gonna be really happy with this security camera.

The optics are great. It's got infrared technology.

And there's even a backup battery when the power goes out.

Whatever. I can see my little princess while I'm at work, right?

Why can't you watch porn like a regular guy?

Give me your laptop so I can configure the software.

Hold on. This is weird.

What?

I was Googling that girl I've been dating and found her blog.

Cool. Anything juicy?

She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger.

And he's Indian.

And he's an astrophysicist too!

- You know what's going on, don't you? - Yes.

Mommy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.

I can't believe I have to explain this. People change names on blogs...

to protect their privacy. "Roger" is Raj.

Oh.

I always thought if I had a white name, it would be Gavin.

- Keep reading. What does it say? - No, I don't know if I should.

If she wanted me to know about her blog, she would've told me.

It's almost like I'm reading her diary.

It's exactly what it's like. Keep reading.

No, this is creepy.

Oh... I think we were looking at creepy in the

rearview mirror when I put up that camera.

It's not creepy. Don't listen to him.

Ooh, who's got the sweetest kisses?

Should I go?

With all the TV Sheldon was talking about, I had the greatest idea ever.

It blows away my idea for a Star Wars-themed

coffee shop called Brewbacca's.

You need to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The perfect show for the two of us.

It's got action and jokes and hot vampires and romance. I cannot oversell this.

What do you say?

It's 6:30 in the morning.

I thought you grew up on a farm.

Hello, Syfy Network, this is your vice president of programming.

We have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas.

We need to uncancel it immediately.

Put me through to the people who handle that.

Tell them it's me. I don't wanna answer a lot of questions...

about if I really am who I say I am.

I just... I want this done.

No, I'm not the person who just called.

That man was clearly a cowboy...

concerned about y'all canceling his favorite show.

Why do they keep hanging up on me?

I'm sorry you're upset.

Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.

I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

Okay. Well, what I think is going on here...

is you have a pathological need for closure.

Oh. That's nonsense.

You tell me stories about your day all the time. I don't care how they end.

You know, I might be able to help you with this.

There's a field of behavioral neuroscience that examines...

ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.

But I just told you, I don't have a problem with closure.

- You sure about that? - Quite sure.

That proves nothing.

- Ready to go to lunch? - Do you think I'm feminine?

- Yeah, let's go. - Thanks a lot.

- What's going on? - I broke down and I read Lucy's blog.

In one of the entries she said when we first

met, I struck her as a little feminine.

Just a little? That's great.

I have to talk to her about this.

Ahh. Jeez, why do you girls always want to talk about things?

Listen to me, if she's writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage.

- Rig the game. - That doesn't seem fair.

Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?

No, it's not. I've always thought that was unfair.

So take what's in that blog and use it to get her pants off.

Why do you make everything filthy? Why couldn't you say the blog is like...

her giving me the key to her heart?

"The key to her heart." Heh. That's nice.

Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?

I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women: Sir Elton John.

So did you love it? Of course you loved it. Tell me how much you loved it.

It was cute.

Aw, don't say "cute." That's the worst.

- What's wrong with cute? - It just makes things seem small.

It diminishes them.

So you want me to stop calling your little tushy cute?

You can try, but nobody's gonna believe you.

I don't understand how you can watch a show that great and not be excited by it.

- I liked it. I'm excited. - Well, then tell your face.

- What do you want from me? - You know what? Never mind.

We gave it a shot. Let's just see what else is on.

Oh, come on, don't be like that. I'm sorry I called it cute.

- Let's watch another one. - Really?

Yeah. It was fun. It kind of reminded me of my high school.

But instead of vampires, we had meth-heads. Ahem.

But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.

All right, cool. I think you'll like the next one better.

All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.

Oh. Well, that's like my high school too.

But instead of a curse, it was crabs. Heh.

I've come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.

I take issue with the word "compulsive."

All I'm saying is we live in a world where closure isn't always an op...

tion! Okay!

For the sake of argument, let's say I have a problem.

What would be your plan for addressing it?

I'm going to recondition your brain...

so that the need for completion isn't so overwhelming.

- By playing tic-tac-toe? - Yep, your turn.

Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience...

is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies.

Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw.

None of which will deny me closure, especially since I'm about to win.

But we didn't finish.

Exactly. How does that make you feel?

The same way any normal person would.

Feel like I wanna peel off my own face, tear it in two and then again and again...

until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

That's the feeling we want to address with this treatment.

Yeah. Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

Come on. You can do this.

You don't know what it's like to feel completely frustrated.

To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.

Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Okay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?

Well, there was action, it was funny.

I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl...

but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?

Yippee, it's backwards, I get it.

Why does this bother you so much?

I don't know. It's just, he's so passionate about so many different things.

I just don't get that way. Do you?

Well, sure. I'm pretty passionate about science.

I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw tiny microorganisms.

It was like a whole other universe.

If I wanted to, I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.

See, I wish I had some of that fire in my life.

I wanna care about things and get excited like you guys.

- There's no reason you can't. - You think?

Absolutely. All we need to do is spend time and find something you're passionate about.

Ugh, that sounds like a lot of work.

Hey, what's up?

Lucy's coming over. I need some advice.

However long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.

Just tell me which one you think is more manly.

This hockey jersey or this football jersey?

I don't know. Go with hockey.

Good, black is more slimming.

That's her. I gotta go be butch. Toodles.

- Hey. Come in. - Hi.

- Aw. Look how cute your little doggie is. - Yeah, I wouldn't get too close.

If I give the right command in German, she'll rip your face off.

O'er the land of the free.

And the home of the.

Next.

That's an impressive layout, isn't it?

Yes.

Let's box it up.

Let's box it up.

That's enough.

- Sheldon, give it! - No!

Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles.

Oops. Missed one. Now your wish can't come true.

Lucky for you, because I wished you were dead.

- I like your jersey. - Thanks, I love hockey.

Cool, so does my dad.

We watched it all the time growing up. Who's your favorite player?

Not Brian Boitano, that's for sure.

- How's your burrito? - Still a little frozen in the middle.

Probably because I didn't read the instructions.

No wrapper's gonna tell me what to do.

Unless his name is Jay-Z.

- Is something going on? - What do you mean?

Well, you're acting all weird, and I'm pretty weird...

so I think I know what I'm talking about.

I don't know, maybe it's all those steroids I've been taking.

I think I'm gonna go. Thank you for the burrito and the pork rinds...

and the 20-minute lecture on why monster trucks are better than regular trucks.

Wait, wait.

I found your blog where you wrote about me.

Oh. I just write that for myself. I didn't think anybody actually read it.

No kidding. You didn't make it easy to find.

I spent hours digging around online.

For the record, you have excellent credit and your diabetic aunt...

seems to be adjusting to her new leg just fine.

Why were you acting so strange tonight?

You called me "feminine."

I wanted you to think I was more manly.

Raj, I didn't say feminine was a bad thing.

I meant you're sweet and thoughtful and your skin looks so much like caramel...

I just want to dip an apple in your face.

I do have a pretty balls-to-the-wall moisturizing regimen.

So are you okay?

- Yeah. - Good.

- Do you even like hockey? - Heh. No.

I bought this at the Staples Center when I went to see Taylor Swift.

So I was thinking how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science...

or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy...

The Harmony One was fine. We didn't need the 1100...

which he knows is too big for my hand.

See, that's the kind of passion I didn't think I had.

But then I realized I'm passionate about you.

Oh. My cute little tushy strikes again.

I'm serious. I've always had these plans. I was gonna be in movies...

and live this glamorous life, and anything less than that...

- ...wasn't worth getting excited about. - Those things can still happen.

Obviously, it's gonna happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me.

Anyway, what I meant was I shouldn't wait, you know?

I've got you, I've got Sheldon...

and all these wonderful friends.

My life is exciting right now.

- That's a big deal. - It is, isn't it?

So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows...

or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-Con?

Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.

Amy, I must say, I was skeptical at first...

but this has truly been a transformative evening.

I'm a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.

Well, you're an excellent neuroscientist, you're a wonderful girlfriend...

and...

- And? - Doesn't matter, does it?

I'm proud of you, Sheldon.

And a complete sucker.

Oh, yeah.

There he is.

And the home of the brave.

Don't stop. Yes, keep going.

Just like that. Almost there. Almost there.

Sheldon, you big weirdo. I want you to know I love that you're in my life.

I love you too.

Hello, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas?

Oh, smashing. You already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller...

who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Now, down to business.

Your show ended on a cliffhanger.

Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hm.

I see.

Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got canceled. Bye.

Ah.