Original subtitles

Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?

Why would it trouble you? It's your third-favorite cartoon theme song.

It is, right behind, "Do, do, do, do, do, Inspector Gadget."

And Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes in a half shell.

Turtle power.

However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man...

- ...does whatever a spider can. - Yeah, so?

I can think of many things Spider-Man can't do that a spider can.

One, crawl in your ear and die.

Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport.

And three, have sex with a spider.

Can we change the subject? Spiders give me the jeebie-jeebies.

It's "heebie-jeebies."

I know, but that sounds anti-Semitic.

I was thinking we could have a little film festival tonight.

Movies that killed their franchises.

Oh. Like Jaws 4, Indiana Jones 4, Daredevil 1.

Armed and Fabulous.

I mean, you know a movie's bad when my homegirl Sandy B can't save it.

Penny's working tonight. I'm in.

Not me. I'm having dinner with Bernadette and her parents.

- Fun. We know how much you love that. - It's torture.

Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common.

You know what I like to do when I'm forced to speak with those...

beneath my intellectual station?

I bring up an interesting topic...

like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.

Thanks, Sheldon. I'll try that with my father-in-law.

No, you can't use that one. That's mine.

Try this one for an icebreaker.

Uh, despite popular lore...

there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii...

from which one can dig straight through the center of the Earth and come up in China.

Great. Thank you.

Actually, you can't have that one either. It's too good. Sorry.

What about you, Sheldon? Do you have plans?

Sadly, yes. Amy's taking me to a memorial service.

It's for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent...

so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark...

that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he'll never make his way back to China.

That should lighten the mood.

What can I say, I put the "fun" in funeral.

Amy? Amy?

Oh, right, funeral.

Amy?

Hello, Sheldon.

I'm not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer tie...

but you can wear a bathrobe?

I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral.

You're sick? You poor kid.

Well, see you.

Sheldon, aren't you gonna take care of me?

Me? No, I'm not that kind of doctor.

But our relationship agreement clearly states...

when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.

Oh. I see the confusion.

The intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I'm ill.

When you're feeling better, you'll think that's funny.

Never mind. Good night, Sheldon.

Amy? Amy? Amy?

I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this.

And, additionally, you are my girlfriend and I care about your well-being.

- Thank you, Sheldon. - You're welcome.

Now let's get this over with.

- So how have you been? - Fine.

Good.

Fine is good.

- How are you liking retirement? - It's fine.

I'm sensing a theme.

You ever really think about the Spider-Man theme song?

How's that dinner coming?

- I just put it in. It's gonna be a while. - I like rare chicken. Let's do this.

You could die.

Death by chicken. Ha, ha. That's a pretty fowl way to go.

- Here's another beer, honey. - Thank you.

So, Mrs. Rostenkowski, you took that trip to the Grand Canyon.

- How was it? - It was good.

Had no idea you were the chatty one.

One hundred two point two.

Exactly what it was half an hour ago.

It's like you're not even trying to get better.

Sheldon, you don't get over the flu in half an hour.

Well, not with that attitude.

You know, I have to say, I'm finding your bedside manner a little lacking.

I'm sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible.

And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question.

Do you believe in the placebo effect?

Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.

Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac...

but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed...

to cure your illness, as well as freshen your breath.

Sheldon, this isn't helping.

Why don't you just let me get some rest?

How can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better.

I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you...

and apply VapoRub to your chest.

You wanna rub something on my chest?

Yes. All over it.

Ahem. Maybe we should start with that.

Now you're being a responsible patient.

Now, you may notice some tingling.

Oh, I'm counting on it.

- Okay, dig in. - Hold up.

Bless us, O Lord, for these thy gifts which we are about to receive...

from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, amen.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

So, Dad, have you done any fishing lately?

- I'm going next weekend. - Oh. You like to fish?

Yes.

Sure. I can hear it in your voice.

If he didn't like it, he wouldn't go.

You know, I hadn't thought of that.

Help me.

Dad, maybe you could take Howard fishing sometime.

Give you a chance to get to know each other.

No, no. We know each other well enough.

He's been talking my ear off all night.

Howie, I think you'd have fun.

- Fine. You can tag along. - Terrific.

My two favorite fellas "gone fishing."

Hang on a second. Bernie, next weekend we have that thing.

- What thing? - You know, the thing.

Oh, that thing. No, I canceled that thing.

All right, it's settled. You and I are going fishing.

Great. Heh. Thanks for the help.

I've never even been fishing. This is gonna be a disaster.

If you don't want to look foolish doing something, you should practice.

Do you know how many beef Wellingtons I made by myself...

before I invited you guys over?

I'll give you a hint. You can see them here, here and here.

Raj is right. You should get someone to give you some pointers.

Do you guys know how to fish?

- No. - No.

But if you catch anything, I know how to steam it in banana leaves.

Come on, we must know somebody who can do manly stuff like this.

What's up?

Step one, worms.

Ew.

Okay, "ew" is one of the things you're not gonna

wanna say in front of your father-in-law.

It's right up there with "icky" and "get it away."

- Now pick one up. - Really?

You're gonna have to do it when you're fishing.

Okay.

What are you waiting for?

I don't know. For them to die of natural causes?

Just pick up a worm and put him on this hook.

Fine. Ahem.

There. Heh.

I'm no expert, but I think the hook has to go through the worm.

Fine.

Sorry, Mr. Worm.

Sherm. Sherm the worm.

Hey, don't name him, just jab a hook in his face.

- You got this, buddy. - Yeah, come on. Hook that worm.

- You can do it. - That's great.

Cheerleading. Way to man things up.

"... And the control group displayed significantly fewer genetic abnormalities."

But because of flaws in the experimental design...

relating to environment and diet...

they lived inconclusively ever after." The end.

That was great. Rub my chest again.

No. I need to get you down for a nap.

And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up.

- How's the poor thing? - I'm hanging in there. Thanks for asking.

Hey, Amy, I brought you some drugs we've been working on in the lab.

This is proving really good for congestion.

There's a chance it can make tears burn like acid.

So if you take it, happy thoughts.

I'm gonna draw you a soothing bath.

- Where's your bath thermometer? - I don't have a bath thermometer.

Fine, then I'm going to draw you...

a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.

This is a really good expectorant.

Although, some test subjects reported lactating

uncontrollably when they heard music.

Okay, okay, here's the deal. I don't need your medicine. I'm not sick.

- I don't understand. - I got better two days ago.

It's just been so nice having Sheldon take care of me.

So you've just been lying to him?

You see the stuff in my nose? Rubber cement.

I don't mean to be judgy, but this is the kind of thing lunatics do.

All right. I'll tell him.

Amy, would you be strong enough to bathe yourself or do you need my help?

I'll tell him tomorrow.

Momma needs a bath.

Now, let's assume by some miracle you actually catch a fish.

You're gonna have to know how to gut it. So, what you're gonna do...

is you're gonna take your knife, slice him right up the belly.

- Do you want me to stop? - No, I'm fine. Keep going.

You don't wanna cut too deep into his guts or

the blood will just squirt all over your face.

Oh, my God. What is with you guys?

Well, it's not our fault. Our dads never did anything like this with us.

- What, never? - My dad was an anthropologist.

The only father-son time he spent...

was with a 2000-year-old skeleton of an Etruscan boy.

I hated that kid.

Mine just took me to his gynecology office.

I got so bored, I'd put vaginal lubricant at the bottom of my shoes...

and pretend I was ice skating.

Yeah, well my quality father-son time was spending my adolescence...

looking out the window, waiting for my dad to come back some day.

Yeah, okay, Howard wins.

We didn't have opportunities like this when we were growing up...

but right now there's a dad that wants to take you on a fishing trip.

You're right. Ugh. I should do this.

Great. Ahem. Here you go.

Now what you do is, you stick your thumb down its throat, grab the guts and pull.

Here we go.

Oh, look, it's a female. You can see all the eggs.

Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you're back.

I've taken a turn for the worst.

I think I'm gonna need another bath.

I'm surprised to hear that.

You see, the other day, I was concerned that you weren't recovering...

so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab...

and had it cultured in the lab.

- Oh? - I got the results back.

Have you developed any of the following symptoms?

A growing nose or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region?

Also known as full-blown Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning.

It's just been so nice having you take care of me.

It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy.

I thought our relationship was based on trust...

and a mutual admiration that skews in my favor.

I feel terrible I did this.

It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order...

so as to discourage this type of behavior in the future.

I suppose that's fair. What do you suggest?

In a perfect world, I'd lock you in a stockade in the public square.

And that probably requires a permit.

I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie.

Oh, that seems overly harsh.

You gave in to a human weakness. You didn't kill a man.

You know, it's a tad old-school...

but my father was not one to spare the rod...

when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.

Are you saying you wanna spank me?

I don't want to...

but it looks like you left me no choice.

That's true.

I've been a very bad girl.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to fish we go.

- That's what you're wearing? - No good?

The guy at the sporting goods store said these are what fishermen wear.

Maybe in cartoons.

I wish I had known that before I posted all those pictures on Facebook.

All right. Let's hit the road. I wouldn't mind shooting some ducks in the morning.

Wait, now we're shooting things?

I like using a big shell.

You can't eat them afterwards but it's fun watching them blow up.

Sir, I'm flattered that you invited me and I really want you to like me...

but I don't think this trip is the way to do it.

And I can't return these things if there's chunks of duck all over them.

- So why'd you agree to come? - Because Bernadette made me.

I tried to back out too. My wife said I had to go.

Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You're a big, scary cop.

You're an astronaut and your wife makes you do things...

and she's only 4 feet tall.

So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.

There's an Indian casino near Palm Springs.

You know how to shoot craps?

No, but I'm not a stranger to dice games.

I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.

I'll teach you how to play.

Really?

Thank you, sir.

Call me Mike.

Okay.

Boy, we're just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike?

That's my wife and daughter you're talking about.

Great couple of gals.

I wouldn't go that far.

Are you prepared to receive your punishment?

One second. I wanna put on some music.

Why?

I don't wanna disturb the people next door while you discipline me.

Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let's begin.

Oh, my.

Excuse me. You're not supposed to be enjoying this.

Then maybe you should spank me harder.

Maybe I will.