Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun With Flags.

Before we get started...

I'd like to announce the winner of our "design your own flag" competition...

but I can't.

The only entry was from GameyGamer75, I know that was a JPEG of your buttocks.

Now, this week, we have a very special episode...

where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise Star Trek.

And to help me, I'm pleased to introduce Internet personality...

former star of The Next Generation...

and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one-sixteenth scale.

Set phasers to "fun"...

for my friend Wil Wheaton.

Hi, thanks for having me. Happy to be here.

Cut.

- What's wrong? - Sorry, you were brilliant as always.

Wil, that was a little wooden.

- Wooden? - Don't worry, it wasn't terrible.

Just this time, try to say it the way people sound.

And action.

My friend Wil Wheaton.

Hi, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.

- So, Wil, what do you have for us first? - Well, this is an exciting one.

This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets.

Now, what's interesting about this flag...

Cut.

- What was wrong with that? - It's called Fun With Flags.

They're not at half-mast. Nobody died. Let's try and keep it upbeat.

Um, no offense, but I've been acting since I was a kid.

I can handle a web show without a lot of direction.

It's true.

In 1982 Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH.

You moved me.

You'll have to forgive me.

This is my first time directing. I just want it to be good.

- So do I. - Great.

So this time, let's try more real boy, less Pinocchio.

- And action. - And cut.

You realize I'm doing this for free, right?

Yes, and so far, we're still not getting our money's worth.

Let's try it again.

Everybody's having fun.

And action.

So, Wil...

what do you have for us first?

Well, this is an exciting one.

This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets.

Cut.

Problem, first-time director?

None that I could see.

I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do.

I got goose bumps.

- He was overacting on purpose. - Really?

Oh, he reminded me of a young William Shatner.

I'm really happy to do this for you...

but not if she's gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.

Are you gonna let him speak to me like that?

Well...

you're my girlfriend, and I don't want you to be upset.

Then again, Wil Wheaton's my friend, and I don't want him to be upset.

Hmm...

This is a sticky wicket.

What do you think?

Can I speak to you for a second?

I'll be right back.

Feel free to play with yourself.

I don't care for your friend, and he's being rude to me.

You need to ask him to leave.

Amy, I can't just ask Wil Wheaton to leave.

He's a minor celebrity.

Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.

Fine, then maybe I should go.

Could you? That would solve everything.

You are the best. I'll see you at dinner tonight?

Sure you wouldn't rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?

Come to think of it, I would.

You, little lady, are on fire.

Every time we eat here, your mom refuses to let me help with the dishes.

Don't take it personally.

She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.

You ready to go?

Yeah, let me just grab a couple of fresh turtlenecks.

I don't understand why you keep your stuff here when there's room at home.

What are you talking about?

All I have here is a few sweaters, books, bank stuff...

computers, mail, collectibles, medicine and my electric body groomer.

Ooh! There's my plaid dickey.

Oh. Got this at the Goodwill store for 50 cents.

Can you believe it? Heh.

Fifty cents sounds right.

- Let's go. - You know, it's kind of late.

- Why don't we spend the night here? - Because we don't live here.

- I know. - Do you?

You said when you got back from space...

you were gonna move into my apartment, but half the time we stay here.

That's not true.

Howard, I'm doing laundry! You want me to put anything in for you?!

There's some underwear in the hamper!

Oh, good, I got that new stain stick to try out!

Thank you. I only put it on the list two weeks ago!

Okay, I see what you're getting at.

How about this weekend, I'll box up all my things...

and move them to our place?

Thank you.

The lightsabers will look great in the living room.

Or in the closet. We can decide later.

Howard, help! My hand's stuck in the garbage disposal!

Just let go of whatever piece of food you're holding!

Are you kidding?! It's a perfectly good chicken leg!

Hey, look who's out after dark like a big boy.

I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton.

Four hours more and we would have closed down the hometown Buffet.

- I thought you had plans with Amy. - Yeah, I did.

But then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S.

She got huffy and left, and then Wil and I headed out to dinner.

That place really did remind me of my hometown.

Because there we also have a hometown Buffet.

- Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument? - Yes, quite the kerfuffle.

- Then Amy got mad and left? - Walked right out the door.

And you...?

Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price.

The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen-yogurt machine.

Right next to it.

I was closer to it than I am to you right now.

- Buddy, I think Amy might be upset. - Why's that?

Because your friend was rude to her and then you went to dinner with him.

You're just repeating what I said.

It's like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.

Trust me. Call her.

Fine.

It's a shame you didn't go to dinner with us...

because the buffet you're about to enjoy only serves humble pie...

a dessert much less tasty than frozen yogurt.

I was this close.

What?

You'll appreciate this.

Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you're mad at me.

Tell him you're not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.

I'm mad at you, Sheldon.

Hmm...

Eat one of your Luna Bars.

Very often, when women think they're angry, they're really just hungry.

I'm not hungry.

Your friend insulted me and you didn't do anything.

Precisely. I didn't do anything.

Now, does someone feel like checking her emotional math?

Keep going, buddy. You're doing great.

Sheldon, I'm your girlfriend and you should have taken my side.

That's it. End of story. Good night.

Wow, Amy's mad and Leonard was right.

What a weird day.

Hey, sorry this took so long. But you used to work here.

- You know how it is. - Kitchen slammed again?

No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember?

So anything I can do to help you move tomorrow?

Now that you mention it, I was thinking tomorrow might not be great.

- What's your excuse this time? - No excuse.

It's just, you know, I'm Jewish...

and technically, we're not supposed to drive or carry anything on the Sabbath...

so this one's on God.

That might be more convincing if you didn't have a mouthful of bacon cheeseburger.

My religion's kind of loosey-goosey, you know.

As long as you got your schmeckel clipped and don't wear a cross, you're good.

Howie, you promised you'd move.

- And I will. - Yeah, right.

I'm not going to live in my mother's house for the rest of my life. I'm not a child.

I've seen her burp you.

She did not burp me.

She was patting me on the back and I happened to burp.

Don't you have other tables you should be waiting on?

Yeah, but I told you, I'm not good at my job.

- Listen to me. He is never gonna leave. - I'm starting to think you're right.

All right, I've had enough of this. I'm a grown man.

I have a successful career.

I mean, for the love of God, I've been to space.

I will move out when I'm ready, and I don't need anyone badgering me into it.

Wow. Excuse me.

That was just for her benefit. I'll move tomorrow. I love you. Don't leave me.

Amy?

Amy.

Angry Amy?

What?

I've been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.

Star Trek DVDs?

Why would I want this?

First of all, you're welcome.

Furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton's body of work...

there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure.

Get ready for 130 hours of "I told you so."

Fine, I'll just tell you what happens.

Episode one, "Encounter at Farpoint."

Fade in.

The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage...

to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV.

Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy...

She's hooked.

Wow, an end of an era.

Boy, if these walls could talk.

They'd say, "Why does he touch himself so much?"

Yeah.

I can't believe I'm not gonna live here anymore.

This has always been my bedroom.

Right here is where my mom used to mark my height.

Oh, yeah.

"Fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade."

Yeah, I remember when I was 5...

hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy.

Had some Peanut M&M's...

went into my first anaphylactic shock, had to be rushed to the hospital...

came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.

When did you figure out you're allergic to nuts?

Sometime around the third Almond Joy.

Okay, wanna start loading this stuff into the truck?

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, would you do me a favor? Go on ahead.

I just want one last moment alone in my old room.

We're not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself.

Fine, let's go.

Hey, what brings you in?

Penny, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a conversation about girls.

Had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later.

Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?

Penny, please, I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma.

And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.

And for the record:

- So, what are you drinking? - Well, it's been a rough day.

I usually go chamomile tea, but I don't think that's gonna cut it.

You could have a Long Island iced tea.

Will that calm my nerves?

It's calmed the pants off me a couple times.

- Sold. - Oh.

So the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?

The trouble isn't with me, Penny, it's with your gender.

Someday scientists will discover...

that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

Yeah, Amy told me what happened.

Look, just apologize. It'll warm her twaddle.

That's a Band-Aid at best.

The core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other...

which is baffling because they're both crazy about me.

And I like them, which indicates they're bright and interesting...

and/or were on Star Trek.

Honey, you can't make people like each other.

Not true. Leonard made me like you.

Let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe.

Cheers, pal.

Ooh!

Boy, that is a treat that's hard to beat.

Get the Mad Hatter on the horn. I'm having a tea party.

You might wanna pace yourself.

I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I'm doing.

Far be it for me to criticize a man with a full pubis.

Look, your problem is not Wil Wheaton. Your problem is the way you treated Amy.

Problem is I'm out of tea.

Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend, you just let him do it?

Thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.

Oh, Penny, please.

Think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

Sorry.

On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

Welcome to Long Island, Tex.

Amy deserves better.

You know, when we buy the Planters Deluxe Mix...

she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them.

She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel.

Yup, that she is. Here you go.

I'm a callous egomaniac. She's gonna leave me.

- No, she won't. - No, she won't. I'm great.

Ah!

Okay, I have now officially moved out of my mother's house.

You are now the only woman in my life who I'll see naked in the bathroom.

I know this wasn't easy. You doing okay?

Well, I'm fine. It's just her I'm worried about.

- She'll be okay. She's a grown woman. - I know.

It's just ever since my dad left, I've felt responsible for her.

That's a lot for a kid to deal with.

She was just so sad all the time.

I was the only person who could cheer her up.

Well, me and Ben and Jerry.

She's lucky you were there.

You know, she's why I first got into magic.

I would do little shows for her.

Hang up a bedsheet like it was a curtain, put on a top hat and cape.

And partway through the act, I would say I needed a volunteer from the audience...

to be my beautiful assistant and invite her up on-stage.

I can still remember the way she'd smile.

For a few minutes, she'd forget how lonely she was.

Aw, crap. Let's go.

Where are we going?

Grab a box. We'll sleep at your mother's place tonight.

No, but I want to live here.

Well, you should've thought of that before you told me the stupid magic-trick story.

Can't we talk about this?

No husband of mine is gonna break his mother's heart.

Wil Wheaton.

Wait, how many was that?

- Hey, Sheldon, what's up? - Wouldn't you like to know.

- Have you been drinking? - Just tea.

It was the best tea I've ever had.

Why are you here?

I'll tell you.

I'm from Texas.

Need I say more?

Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.

You insulted my woman. I'm here to defend her honor.

Two. It was two.

Wil Wheaton.

Now prepare yourself for what may come.

Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we're gonna fight?

My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant invisible cow.

They're up to beat an apology out of you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.

Are you okay?

You're asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton.

As a matter of idle curiosity...

which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting?

Never mind, I'll choose.

You were so good in Stand by Me.

Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun With Flags.

Get ready for a very special episode...

where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise Star Trek.

And to help us, I'm pleased to introduce a special guest.

Surprisingly, it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here.

Mr. LeVar Burton.

Hey, Sheldon. It's a pleasure to be here.

- Well, we've got some interesting flags... - Cut.

Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.

I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her.

- She's my girlfriend. - Ah. I hear you, brother.

I still get lunch, right?