Original subtitles

Hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.

Wow, Howard, that's very nice of you.

Yeah, maybe. Open it first.

It's my official NASA portrait.

"To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world...

just like the guy in this picture was."

For the record, he also thinks that Walgreens...

and the drycleaners are out of this world.

That's not true. At Walgreens I was "over the moon" for their store-brand antacids.

I see you're getting ready for your Halloween party.

Yeah, it's my annual attempt to meet women.

Ninth time's the charm.

Would you like me to help? I have a certain je ne sais quoi when it comes to soirees.

Thanks, but I can't afford je ne sais quoi.

How much for just quoi?

Don't worry about money, I'll take care of it.

- Really? - Yeah, you'll love it.

Ain't no party like a Koothra-party. Ha-ha-ha.

You know what wasn't a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan...

they put you up in before the launch. You'd think you'd get one porn channel.

Have you noticed Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you he went to space?

Interesting hypothesis.

Let's apply the scientific method. Perform an experiment.

Okay. Hey, Howard.

- Thoughts on where we should get dinner? - Anywhere but the space station.

On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meatloaf.

But, hey, you don't go there for the food, you go there for the view.

That's fascinating.

I'm gonna see if I can duplicate it.

Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit.

Care to weigh in?

Not really.

- Oh, well. - People say the Soyuz capsule's a lemon...

Yeah, but, hey, that baby got me to space and back.

Ladies' night at the Cheesecake Factory, does it get any better than this?

I hope so.

Do you think your husband's fondness for turtle-necks...

is an expression of longing for his missing foreskin?

It's not getting any better.

Oh, it's Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.

- I thought you liked Halloween. - I do...

he wants to go party at the comic store. Lot of the guys there are kind of creepy.

- Like my husband? - And my boyfriend?

I'm sorry, Amy, you were saying something about Howard's foreskin?

Nice try, but you have to go to that party because we're going.

I'm gonna go, it's just not my idea of a good time.

Leonard does things he doesn't like to make you happy.

Yeah, he's my boyfriend. Isn't that, like, his job?

- Then what's your job? - Letting him make me happy.

I just think, in relationships, you get back what you put in.

That's not always true.

Last night I gave Sheldon my best come-hither look...

and he responded by explaining how wheat came to be cultivated.

I guess I could probably try a little harder.

You could start by taking an interest in his work.

- That's kind of a problem. - Why?

Not really clear on what he does.

He's an experimental physicist.

Yeah, I'm not really clear on what that means.

He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy.

Yeah, you're really just making it worse.

What kind of tea would you like?

I think I'm going to try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.

Two tea bags in one cup?

You're not at a rave.

So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking...

since this is our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend...

I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples' costume.

I couldn't agree more.

Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.

Couples' costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship.

Now, imagine this:

You and I, entering Stuart's party...

and all eyes turn to see America's most beloved and glamorous couple:

- Yeah? - R2-D2 and C-3PO.

Dibs on '3PO.

Sheldon, when I said couples' costume, I meant, like, Romeo and Juliet...

or Cinderella and Prince Charming.

Not two robots from some silly movie I don't even like.

Okay.

I'm gonna let that slide because I know you're hopped up on tea bags.

I make compromises for you all the time.

Just this once, can't we find something that we're both happy with?

Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and

influential couples of the 20th century?

Hewlett and Packard.

Dibs on Hewlett.

You wanna be Hewlett?

- Anybody home? - Hey, what are you doing here?

I just thought I'd stop by and say hello.

What a nice surprise.

I don't think you've seen my lab before.

I know, it's long overdue. What you doing?

Better not be building a robot girlfriend.

No. Although, Howard was making some strides

in that area until he met Bernadette.

- What, you're kidding? - No.

Now the Lisatronic 3000 just sits in a box, waiting for the phone to ring.

- What's going on in here? - No, no, no, don't look in there.

- Is it a secret? - No, it's a nitrogen laser.

It'll cook your eyeball like a soft-boiled egg.

Oh, might wanna put a sign on it.

There's a sign right there.

Ah, "Danger." Sure, sure.

So, what's that?

That is an integrated ion trap and time-of-flight mass spectrometer.

Wow. High techie-techie.

What's this little box?

That is a pencil sharpener.

Oh, low techie-techie.

So, what are you working on now?

- It's actually pretty neat. - Yeah?

It's a front-projected holographic display...

combined with laser based finger tracking. Here, I'll show you.

Put this pencil over here.

Sharp, thanks to the machine we saw earlier.

Very good.

Then a laser will map the reflective surface...

and, voila.

Wow, that is amazing!

You know, there's a foundational idea in string theory that...

- ...the whole universe may be a hologram. - What do you mean?

Oh!

- Wow! - Mm-hm.

The holographic principle suggests...

that what we all experience every day in three dimensions...

may really just be information...

on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos.

So it's possible that our lives are really just...

acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.

Hmm.

What?

Sometimes I forget how smart you are. Heh.

You should visit more often.

- What are you doing? - Take off your clothes.

- What, here, now? - You got a problem?

No, no. Just kind of crazy. I've never fooled around in the lab before.

- Really? Never? - Nope.

I did have a shot with the Lisatronic, but the extension cord wasn't long enough.

Before I forget, I'd like your opinion on the menus I've prepared for the party.

The theme is "food that goes bump in the night."

"Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon"?

On "sesame seed Bunzillas."

"Night of the Living Garlic Bread"?

It's funny because bread sounds like dead.

I'm sorry, but these are just ordinary foods...

with the names bent into tortured puns.

But the dishes themselves are in no way Halloweeny.

Ooh, Hallow-weenies.

That's a good one. They'll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese.

How do I do it?

Reminds me. I was thinking of wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume...

but I realized everybody would be like:

"Where's your costume? Why are you wearing work clothes?"

Hello, boys.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing.

- You know where there's a lot of nothing? - Space.

Boy, it's nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again.

Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth into the airlock?

Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.

So here we are.

Just a couple of young newlyweds. What to do?

What to do to you?

Astronaut Wolowitz reporting for booty.

Preparing thrusters.

We have liftoff.

- Are we clear to jettison that nightgown? - Okay, we need to talk.

- What? - Howie, I know you went to space...

and I'm incredibly proud of you.

But you might wanna try and not bring it up every minute.

I don't talk about it every minute.

Tonight at dinner you went on about it for an hour straight.

What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.

Just saying people are getting a little tired of it.

So I did this amazing thing and I'm never allowed to mention it?

Of course you can. But, maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up.

Okay, heh. No problem. It won't happen again.

- I love you. - I love you too.

I can't tell you how many times...

I dreamed I was in bed here...

with you when I was...

You know...

What, I can't even point?

So, basically, this is what's called mag-lev technology.

It uses powerful electromagnets to create a force strong enough to overcome gravity.

- You hold this. - Whoa, that's heavy.

Oh, you don't have on any jewelry, do you?

No, why?

Grad student forgot to take out one of his piercings.

Now he's on a transplant list waiting for a nipple his size.

Now, watch this.

Whoa.

That is very cool.

Sometimes I like to turn this on and pretend I'm the super-villain Magneto.

Getting a little less cool, Leonard.

What I really am is a very smart scientist.

Who understands the mechanics of the universe.

And is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought.

- There we go. - Yeah.

So I thought the photo booth for the party could be creepy, like a mummy's tomb...

or they also have the TARDIS from Doctor Who.

A TARDIS makes no sense.

A time machine from a science-fiction show has nothing to do with Halloween.

That being said, if you don't get a TARDIS, you stink and your party stinks.

- Do you have a preference? - I don't care, get the TARDIS.

Yes! This party just became a major rager.

By the way, can I borrow your bullwhip and fedora?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I was thinking of dressing up as Indiana Jones's mocha-skinned love child.

Indian Jones.

- Clever. - What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Howard, I've got a party to plan, don't make me pull it out of you.

Here it is. Bernadette said you guys are sick of me talking about my trip to space.

Is that true?

- No. - Yes.

We seem to have different approaches here.

I was going for helpful honesty, I have no idea what you're doing.

It's called being nice.

Okay, if you think being nice will get him to shut up, I'll try it.

You know what, guys, never mind.

I just won't talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.

Look at that, the problem solved itself.

Hello, boys.

What if we were to go as dinner table favorites, salt and pepper?

You know salt makes me retain water...

and my cousin, William, was ground to death in a pepper factory accident.

Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.

I don't think so. Those dolls represent three things I don't care for:

Clowns, children, and raggedyness.

- I think it's a lost cause. - No.

There are things that say to the world, "I have a boyfriend and he's not made up."

Matching costumes, hickies, and sex tapes.

Pick one.

What's a hickey?

- How do I look? - Fine.

Uh-oh. Is someone a little blue?

Come on, Howie, that's, like, the funniest thing I've ever said in my life.

What do you say, you ready to go?

To tell you the truth, I'm not really in the mood.

What are you talking about? It'll be fun, your friends will be there.

Some friends. They all think I'm boring.

Maybe you should go without me.

No, if I'm there alone people might think I'm just a really short person from Avatar.

I'm sorry, I just don't wanna go.

Hey, I just spent the last three hours coloring myself blue.

I'm gonna be washing paint out of my smurf for a month!

Fine.

Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.

Yeah, well, now you're a Smurf. Keep walking.

Oh, my God, you guys look adorable!

Thanks, so do you.

- Slutty cop? - No, sexy cop.

Slutty cop only came with a skirt and two badges.

And Albert Einstein?

Ja. Und later she's going to arrest me for going faster than the speed of light.

- I thought we said in the car, no accents. - Sorry, officer.

Hello!

- It's a great party. - Thank you.

The monster foods, they're really fun.

Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that...

because I'm fun, I'm not clinically depressed at all.

Sheldon, get in here.

I should have picked hickey.

Hey, look at you guys!

I'm Raggedy Anne and he's Raggedy C-3PO.

It was a compromise. I lost.

Can you believe Stuart's walking around taking credit for this party?

- Who cares? - What do you mean, who cares?

Look what I pulled off here. The DJ's on fire...

there's a TARDIS photo booth in the back...

oh, my God, the food. Stuart wanted Kraft Draculoni and Cheese.

You're right, the party's fantastic! Tell me more.

I haven't heard enough about it, because hearing about that never gets old!

- Is this about the space thing again? - I'm not allowed to talk about it...

but since you brought it up, I went to space. Space, space, space!

Oh, Drinky Smurf!

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Great, now I'm in trouble.

You happy?

You, out!

You are being very rude.

No I'm not. They're all being rude, and you're being rude.

Me? What did I do?

"Oh, Howie, stop talking about space so much."

"Nobody likes it."

I don't sound like that.

You're supposed to be on my side.

I'm always on your side.

Then why are you trying to take this away from me?

Being an astronaut is the coolest thing I'm ever going to do...

and if I stop talking about it then I'm just...

Just what?

Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again.

Plain old Howard Wolowitz is the best guy I know.

- You're just saying that. - No, I'm not.

I married him. On purpose.

Come here.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Nothing to see here, just sexy police business.

Just explaining the theory of relativity.

Twice.

Hey, what you watching?

I don't know. Raj sent me some video of Buzz Aldrin.

Here you go, it's a Milky Way.

The Milky Way is a galaxy in space.

I've been in space.

Here's a Mars bar.

I'm an astronaut.

And this one's a MoonPie.

I walked on the Moon.

What have you done?

Okay, I get it.