Original subtitles

Hey, Bernie.

Hey. How's my little astronauttie hottie?

Okay, I guess.

It's just being cooped up in this tin can for weeks on end is starting to get to me.

Hang in there. You just have a couple more days to go and you'll be home.

- I know. - I gotta get back to work. I love you.

Love you too. Hey, Bernie...

before you go, can you do something for me?

What do you want me to do?

Okay, here it is.

I really miss gravity.

Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?

Really? You're serious?

Okay.

Oh, baby, you're killing me.

Unh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi.

This came for you today. It's from your mom.

- Oh. Thank you, Penny. - Mhmm.

Yeah, wait. Here.

For your troubles.

Oh, boy, a whole dollar.

Now I can quit my paper route.

So, what's in it?

Doesn't matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.

Yeah, it's journals and research papers I wrote as a child.

Aw. How cute.

Is this, like, a diary?

No, that's my potty-training journal.

- Really? Your potty-training journal? - Yeah.

And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn't start typing until I was 6.

"August 7th, 8:42 a.m.

This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?"

There are some charts in the back...

where I kept track of shape, color and consistency.

Oh!

Disgusting.

No, what's disgusting is he's still keeping track.

- Why do you need this...? - No, no, no.

- Sorry. - I am glad you asked.

- Oh. - Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?

Heh. Of course.

It is... It's been in the news. And it's a very famous boson.

Nice try. No, in 1964...

Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist...

he wrote a paper postulating the existence...

of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson.

Now, initially, the paper was rejected.

But recently, he was proven right.

And now he's on the fast track to win a Nobel Prize.

- Yeah. That's basically what I said. - Yeah...

The point is, Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago.

So that got me thinking.

Perhaps I've already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel Prize.

I didn't know they gave Nobel Prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

You really think there's some kind of scientific discovery in here?

Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school.

There's a good deal more to come. I didn't really hit my academic stride...

until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.

You're gonna spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?

That's a good point. My time is much too valuable.

Perhaps I should find someone to do it for me.

Someone with a rudimentary understanding of science...

but whose real talents lie in menial labor.

- Not gonna happen. - Yeah, well...

If I didn't think you could handle it, I wouldn't be asking.

If you want help, just hire a grad student.

- Maybe I could do it. - Really.

You can assess the quality of my work? Okay. Um, here.

I wrote this when I was 5 years old.

"A proof that algebraic topology...

can never have a non-self-contradictory set of abelian groups."

I'm just a blond monkey to you, aren't I?

You said it, not me.

All right, Ms. Jensen, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment?

Water, coffee, tea?

A marijuana cigarette?

No, thanks, I'm fine.

Are you sure? Everyone's smoking them.

I think they're the best.

- I don't do drugs. - Excellent.

Yeah. That was a ruse.

They're not the best. Physics is the best.

By the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice.

All right, so I see here you're from Des Moines, lowa.

You're summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University.

Oh, and two years ago you had a persistent ear infection.

I hope that didn't cause any hearing loss.

No, of course not.

How did you know about that?

Well, I did a comprehensive background check.

Medical records, credit reports, criminal history.

I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

Yes, I did.

Hearing unimpaired. Good.

Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position.

It would be an incredible honor to work for a man of your brilliance.

Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jensen.

It's not flattery if it's the truth.

Oh.

Well, thank you. Welcome aboard.

- Talked to Howard, lately? - Yeah, last night.

He kept making me drop pencils for him.

I got uncomfortable.

Hope you're hungry. They're serving macaroni and...

cheese.

Smooth.

- Hi. - Hello.

Aren't you gonna introduce us?

No. I have people for that now. You're up.

I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's new assistant.

Ah, congratulations, and may God have mercy on your soul.

- I'm Leonard, this is Raj. - Nice to meet you.

I'm so excited to be working with...

Please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jensen.

And FYI, there'll be no breaks.

I should probably get to work.

She seems nice.

Hey, you already got a girlfriend. I call dibs.

- All I said was "She seems nice." - Yeah, well, I love her.

Hey, I wasn't expecting to hear from you today.

- Everything okay? - Uh, no, not really.

What's wrong?

Well, remember the Soyuz capsule they were sending to bring us home?

- Uh-huh. - It's delayed.

We're gonna be here at least another week, maybe 10 days.

It's the Russians, so you don't know.

They left dogs up here in the '60s.

Come on, Howard. No one's leaving you up there.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I can't sleep.

And zero-gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux.

I'm down to my last three Tums.

You're gonna be fine.

You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom.

And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two.

Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Okay, okay.

What am I doing? I'm using up all the oxygen.

If I die, promise you'll never have sex with another man.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a man-eater now.

Okay, for the final touch, this is an eyelash-curler.

You just place it on your lashes and squeeze it closed.

Oh. I don't know.

Looks like something used by Tinker Bell's gynecologist.

Who I hope, for her sake, is not Captain Hook, so...

Who you calling?

- I'm gonna video-chat Sheldon. - Hmm.

If my new look leads to phone sex...

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the room.

Dr. Cooper's office.

Oh. Hello. Who are you?

I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's assistant.

- Can I help you? - I'd like to speak to Sheldon.

I'm sorry, he's asked me to hold all calls...

unless you're Stephen Hawking, his mother, or himself from the future.

- All right, well, tell him Amy called. - Last name?

He knows my last name. I'm his girlfriend.

We have a contract and everything. I'll send you a PDF.

All right. I will tell him you called.

- Hmm. That's weird. - What?

Sheldon told me he had a new assistant named Alex.

He didn't mention that Alex was a girl.

Maybe he didn't notice.

You're right. I don't have to worry about Sheldon.

No, you do not.

It's her I have to worry about.

Oh. Amy, really? She is not gonna come on to Sheldon.

Oh, really?

Look at this face.

How can any woman spend eight hours a day alone with this face...

and not fall in love with it?

Well, for starters, at some point, that face starts talking.

Amy, this is crazy. You have nothing to be suspicious about.

I'm not suspicious.

I just wanna stop in, say hi to my boyfriend, and meet his new assistant.

Aha!

- Can we go now? - Hang on.

- What are you doing? - Isn't it obvious?

I'm spreading my scent to mark my territory.

Come on, Amy, that is not gonna work.

Really? Because just before you became my best friend...

I did this all over your apartment.

Has your assistant said anything about me?

Oh, in fact, she has.

Her exact words were "What is that guy's problem?"

I'm in her head. Let the dance begin.

Here's your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.

This should be fun.

Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?

- Yes. - Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?

- Rainbow. - Two cherries?

- One on top, one on the bottom. - Stems removed?

Um... Top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.

Oh!

I'm so sorry, Dr. Cooper.

It's all right, Alex. I'm not mad at you. I'm just disappointed.

Wait, Alex, do you wanna join us?

- Um... - Alex, a moment.

I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter.

Do you think it's appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?

Given her what?

If I've learned anything from British television shows on PBS...

it's that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.

What?

It's a kindness, Leonard.

Otherwise, you're cruelly tempting them...

with a glimpse of a world that's just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.

Oh, sure.

- Please join us. - Oh, okay. Thank you.

So, Alex, what's the topic of your dissertation?

I'm looking for Trojan asteroids at Earth's L-5 Lagrange point.

Oh. That happens to be Dr. Koothrappali's field of expertise.

You two have a lot to talk about.

Is that true?

- Is he all right? - No.

But compared to your boss, he's the poster boy for sanity.

It's okay, I've been around scientists all my life.

- My dad's an astronomer at SETI. - Oh, SETI.

The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.

You should introduce him to Sheldon. The search is over.

What kind of research are you doing?

- High-energy lasers. - Ooh, military?

Not yet, but I can remove unwanted hair from 2 miles away.

You were right. I had nothing to worry about.

That skank's your problem, not mine.

- You're very funny, Dr. Hofstadter. - Oh, thank you.

Agh! Cherry stem. Cherry stem.

How you doing, Howie? You feeling a little better?

Oh. A lot better, thanks. One sec.

Listen close, I don't have a lot of time.

I need you to go to my house.

In my bedroom you'll find a model rocket. I want you to bring it back to your place.

Okay.

Step two, build a version roughly 14 stories high.

Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me.

I'll leave the door unlocked.

Maybe you should talk to someone.

Let them know you're having a little anxiety.

No, no. I'm fine. No anxiety.

We should probably talk in code.

From now on, "frog" is me, "sandwich" means you, and "lemon" means rocket.

So come on, sandwich, build me a lemon because froggie wants to come home.

Look at you...

putting on a brave face.

There's nothing to be brave about. Everything's fine.

Really? I don't know how much you know about primate behavior...

but Sheldon's assistant was clearly courting Leonard.

Were she a mandrill, she would've bent over...

and displayed her brightly colored hindquarters like a big red welcome mat.

By the way, you try that at the junior prom, you get kicked out.

Okay, maybe she was flirting with him, but who cares?

I don't even know where my relationship is with Leonard now.

So says your prefrontal cortex.

But the limbic system of your brain is calculating...

that if another woman is attracted to Leonard...

it must be because he's desirable.

Well, of course he's desirable. I mean, he's great.

He's smart, he's sweet, and in the bedroom, whew...

let me tell you, he really tries.

So it does bother you.

Fine, it bothers me a little.

No, you know what? This is stupid. It doesn't bother me.

Okay, it bothers me.

But only because she wouldn't stop laughing.

Leonard is not that funny.

And there you have it...

prefrontal-cortex reasoning versus limbic lust.

If this were a boxing match they might call it...

the Thriller Adjacent to the Amygdala.

If you were a brain scientist, you would be busting a gut right now.

- So how was work today? - Oh, it was all right, I guess.

Had to Heimlich a cherry stem out of Sheldon.

- Caught Raj right in the eye. - Oh.

- You're kidding. - No, Raj had to go to the nurse.

Wow. Anything else?

Mm, the nurse is a woman, so he couldn't talk to her.

She had to bring him the Grover puppet so he could point at what hurt. Heh.

Is that it?

Isn't that enough?

It had weaponized fruit and a puppet. What more do you want?

Oh, good. Leonard, you're here.

Science news. This will interest you.

And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

- What do you got? - I believe Alex may have unearthed...

the grade-school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize.

Behold.

"What Do They Stick To?"

If the answer is metal, it's not exactly groundbreaking.

The original title was:

"A Rederivation of Maxwell's Equations Regarding Electromagnetism."

I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town...

were starting to say I was a witch.

Sheldon thinks the approach in his paper might change the way...

- ...we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis. - Oh. It's about time. I hated the old way.

- Hi, I'm Penny. - Alex.

- Do you work with Dr. Hofstadter? - In a way.

We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.

Oh. Well, you're lucky. He seems very talented.

I'm sure a lot of people wanna work with him.

Oh, well, a lot of people can't, so...

Uh, come on.

Where are we going?

My limbic system wants to take your pants off.

She seems nice.

Notice people on your own time. We're working.

Hey, Howie, how you feeling?

Better. Much better.

The other astronauts held me down and gave me a shot.

Ooh.

Attention, people of Earth.

Tonight there will be two moons in the sky.

Howie, stop that.

NASA's watching this.

Put your pants back on.

Whee!

Whee!