All language subtitles for The Neighborhood 3x10 - Welcome to the Procedure (English)

Is it my turn?

No, we're still waiting
for Calvin to play.

Okay, uh, stop rushing me.

Dave took like ten minutes
to put down the word "cat."

Well, I was one letter
away from "catnip,"

but all I had was this blank tile.

Damn it!

Okay, all right, here we go.
Here we go right here. F-I...

N-N-A.

Boom. Triple word score.

"Finna"?

What's "finna"?

You know, as in, "I'm finna
get 38 points for that word."

I'm pretty sure "finna"
isn't in the dictionary.

Well, Black people say it all the time,

so if it's not, your
dictionary's racist.

Boom, triple word score.

Ah...

What's wrong?

I'm having some problems
with my wrist lately.

I think I might have carpal tunnel.

Damn it. I could've
played "carpal," too.

Dave, if your wrist hurts,
you should see my doctor.

Dr. Richards is like family.

Calvin, Dr. Richards
died nine years ago.

He did?

Well, let that be a lesson.
Don't let family drift apart.

Seriously, Calvin?

You haven't seen a doctor in nine years?

No. I've been begging him

to get a physical for the longest time,

- but he just won't go.
- That's because I don't need to.

Look, I'm so healthy,

I already outlived my
doctor by nine years.

Calvin, you should
really listen to Tina.

You know, your health is important.

If I were you, I would
definitely be finna to go.

Gemma, you're right. It's not a word.

- Oh, hey, Calvin.
- Hey, Dave.

- What do you got there?
- Oh, just some of my old juggling clubs.

You know, I would say I didn't
know you juggled, but deep down,

I think I did.

Well, I haven't done it in years,

so I might be a little rusty.

But I figured, hey, what's
the worst that could happen?

I don't know, but whatever it is,

I am definitely getting it on video.

Just got to do one last thing.

Whoa. Whoa, you're setting them on fire?

I thought you said you hadn't
juggled in years. That's crazy.

Well, maybe, but not half as crazy

as skipping the doctor for nine years.

So I guess you could say
we're both playing with fire.

Oh, okay. So that's what this is about.

You know what? I take it back. Go ahead.

Roast your marshmallows.

Okay.

Calvin, I'm serious.

You got to go to the doctor every year.

- It's really important.
- Dave, I'm fine.

I treat my body like a temple.

It's probably why so
many people worship me.

Okay, I guess Tina was right.
You won't listen to reason.

So it looks like I'm gonna have to try

- something else to get you to do it.
- What?

Embarrass you.

If you don't go to the doctor,
I'm gonna make a T-shirt

that says "Calvin is my best friend,"

and I'm gonna wear it wherever we go.

- Eh, you wouldn't.
- I already did.

How'd you get that made so fast?

You just found out
about this last night.

Actually, I've had it for a while.

I had it made for our
upcoming friendiversary.

Just picture it, Calvin.

You're in the barber shop holding court,

I stroll in wearing this.

So what? I've been the big
dog around here a long time.

It'll take more than a
T-shirt to bring me down.

I figured you'd say that, which
is why I made it a tank top.

Okay, you know what? Fine. I'll go.

But if Dr. Richards wasn't already
dead, this would've killed him.

Hey, here you go, bro.

Oh, man,

it doesn't get any better than this.

Two grown men, making it on our own,

living our independent lives.

Marty, we live 60 feet
from Mom and Pop's house.

Exactly.

It's far enough away to be independent

but close enough to steal their Wi-Fi.

- See? Okay.
- I see. Yeah.

Yo.

- Hey, little man.
- Hey.

What's up? Come on in.

We're having career day at my school.

Since my dad came last year
and my mom's the principal,

and you have such an awesome job
at JPL, I thought I'd ask you.

Well, your friendly
neighborhood rocket scientist

gladly accepts your invitation.

Oh, I was actually talking to Malcolm.

What? But Malcolm's
just a security guard.

Uh, yeah, a security guard
who just watched you blow up

- on takeoff.
- What... ?

Yeah, but that, that makes no sense.

Why would you want him instead of me?

Because security guards are cool.

They've got uniforms and handcuffs,

- and he takes down bad guys, right?
- Well, you know, uh,

I do what I got to do.

Yeah, and what you got
to do is check I.D.'s

and let the pizza guy up the elevator.

And just for that, from now on,

the only lunch I'm letting up is salad.

Whoa, guys, I didn't
mean to start a fight.

Look, Marty, if you want
to, you can come, too.

Yes!

I'm gonna get started right now.

You guys are gonna see just
how fun math and science can be!

Great.

If he gets too boring,
you do what you got to do.

Well, I hope he has better
news for me than he had for you.

Okay, Mr. Butler,

I have the results from
your physical, and...

You know what? I'm fine. I don't
care what your stupid test says.

Actually, they say
you're in amazing health.

Oh, well, tests don't lie.

I told you he's a good doctor.
You should've listened to him.

Your cholesterol is good,
your blood pressure is low...

- all your numbers look great.
- Huh. Terrific.

Now all we've got to do is
schedule your colonoscopy.

Uh, say what, now?

Your colonoscopy? When
it comes to colon cancer,

early detection can save your life.

It's standard procedure
for anyone over 45.

Well, great, so there's no rush.

I plan on being over
45 the rest of my life.

Look, I know the idea makes
a lot of men uncomfortable,

but trust me, it's not a big deal.

First, you'll be put to sleep.

Then we insert a small
camera into the rectum.

From there, it travels

through your large intestine,

then it zigs and it zags

deeper and deeper all the way

up here into your small intestine,

taking pictures along the way.

Then we just reel it back in, and...

... out pops the camera.

Well, that all sounds
delightful, but, um...

that's a hard pass.

Hey, man.

Oh, hey, Malcolm.

Whoa, what is under there? Uh, Marty?

If it's another Lego Death Star,

you don't need to hide it from me, man.

I already know you're a dork.

For your information, that
was not the Death Star.

That was the planet Tatooine.

Okay? So who's the dork now?

Right, okay, so, uh, what is it?

Uh, just a little something to
ensure that I win career day.

- "Win career day"?
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't realize it was a competition.

Oh, it won't be, because I have this.

Marty, I don't want to know

what you do with that robot hand,

and I'm sure the kids won't, either.

Malcolm, meet Elliot,

a fully articulated bionic
limb designed to make

exterior repairs to the
International Space Station.

He also gives pretty sweet fist bumps.

All right.

- That is pretty impressive.
- I know, right?

Yeah, but I'm not worried
about it, because I have this.

A stun gun? Please.

Elliot can crush steel
and survive temperatures

down to 500 degrees below zero.

How can a stun gun compete?

Maybe like this.

Malcolm, are you crazy?

Do you know how long this
is gonna take me to fix?

Hopefully not too long,
because I would love

to do that again in front of the kids.

Oh, hey, babe.

So, what did the doctor say?

Exactly what I told you he would.

I'm in perfect health.

You know, I hate to say it, but, uh,

I think I'm gonna outlive this one, too.

Well, that is such a relief.

Did he say anything else?

Uh, no, uh, not that I recall.

I am so happy to hear that.
You know what? And to celebrate,

I've got something very
special planned for you.

Okay. Uh, what's that?

I scheduled your colonoscopy.

Uh, s-say what, now?

The doctor's office called.

How could you leave there
without scheduling an appointment?

Come on, Tina. The
doctor said I was healthy.

- Isn't that good enough?
- No, Calvin, that is not good enough.

You know, I looked it up online.

Do you know that one in every
48 men will get colon cancer?

And that number is even
worse for Black men.

Well, you know what's
worse for this Black man?

Is having someone turn
my ass into a photo booth.

Calvin, this is nonnegotiable.

You're too important to me.

So here.

- What's that?
- It's your dinner for tonight.

It's a stimulant laxative that
will flush out your system.

Come on, Tina. Quit playing.

I don't want that stuff inside my body.

Oh, don't worry, baby.

It won't be for long.

- Morning, babe. How you feeling?
- Terrible.

That laxative had me running
to the bathroom all night.

Aw, poor baby. I would hug you,

but squeezing you right now
might not be a good idea.

Don't worry, Tina. There's nothing left.

I haven't felt this empty
since N.W.A broke up.

W... well, wait. What are
you doing sitting down?

You got to go get dressed
for your appointment.

You know, I was thinking
about rescheduling.

We got a big shipment
coming into the shop today.

Calvin, it's a box of air fresheners.

I know. I just need to be there

to make sure Hector doesn't steal 'em

like he does the paper towels.

Calvin, I can take care of the shop.

Oh, hold on.

If you're at the shop and the
doctor says I can't drive myself,

who's taking me?

Oh, hey, buddy. Ready to go?

Seriously?

Dave's taking me to my colonoscopy?

Why not? You always said
he was a pain in the ass.

Just think of him as
the pregame warm-up.

Hey, Gemma.

Hey, Malcolm. Where's Marty?
I thought he was coming, too.

Uh, I don't know. Maybe we
should check the lockers.

He has a long history of
getting stuffed in 'em.

Okay, class, let's get started.

I just stopped by because
Grover's special guest

for career day is a
close friend of mine.

In fact, he's so close,
he's actually my neighbor!

Okay, take it away, Grover.

I told her that wouldn't work.

My career day guest has
the coolest job ever.

I don't want to brag, but
he's pretty much a superhero,

and his name is Malcolm Butler!

Well, thank you, G-man.

I don't know if I would say
superhero, but then again,

that's exactly what
a superhero would say.

Now, as a security guard,

my job is to keep people safe.

Which is why I always make sure...

What's up, tiny Earthlings?

Are you kidding me?

This is so cool.

Guys, this is Marty.

He's, uh, uh, what's-his-name's brother.

Sorry I'm late, guys. It
was hard to find parking...

for my spaceship. Oh!

Okay, it's in that parking lot up there.

Okay.

You know, I'm really glad
you decided to do this.

After all, the healthier you are,

the longer we get to be friends.

Yeah. You know, I
thought about that, too,

and then I decided to do it anyway.

- Good, we're here, so pull in that space.
- Okay.

Wait a second, uh...

I don't see a doctor's office.
All I see is a Dave & Buster's.

Because that's where we're going, Dave.

Happy friendiversary.

Okay, Calvin, we are supposed
to be going to your colonoscopy,

not combining all the
innocent fun of childhood

with the alcoholic fun of adulthood.

I know, I know, but a colonoscopy,

that's just about me.

A friendiversary is about us.

You have no idea how long I've
waited to hear those words.

But no, Calvin, I won't do it.

- Your health is too important.
- Oh, come on.

What could possibly be more important

than spending a full day of
uninterrupted fun with your...

... BFF?

That is a dirty trick, Calvin.

And what's worse is you didn't tell me

so I could have worn mine.

Come on, Dave, so what's it gonna be?

We gonna do this or what?

Calvin, I don't know.

All right, okay, how about this?

We play one game of Skee-Ball.

If you win, I go ahead
and get my colonoscopy.

If I win, you treat my
recently evacuated colon

to hot wings and beer.

Okay, you know what, fine.

If that's the only way that I
can make you do it, then I'm in.

Great. Come on, let's go.

But FYI, that shirt would look
a lot cooler as a tank top.

- Hey.
- Well, there he is.

The world's first jackass-tronaut.

Hey, don't be mad at me.

It's not my fault the kids
voted to have a mural of me

painted on the handball court.

Well, congratulations, Marty.

You officially won career day
and made me look like a chump.

Oh, come on, man, that's
not what I meant to do.

Well, what did you mean to do?

Malcolm, ever since we were kids,

you were always the cool
one, but I was the nerd.

The geek. The...

whatever else Dad used to call me.

Oh, you mean like poindexter

and brainiac.

My favorite was dork chocolate.

It's hard to forget that one when
he wrote it on my birthday cake.

I mean, I know it might sound dumb,

but I was really excited to
go back to school for a day

and be the cool guy I never was.

Oh, come on, man, you were cool.

- Oh, yeah, right.
- No, I'm serious, Marty.

I mean, I'm a really confident dude,

but I think I would have felt ridiculous

walking into that classroom
in a damn space suit.

But not you.

You owned it.

And if owning who you
are is not cool, then,

little brother, I don't know what is.

- It was pretty cool, right?
- Yeah.

And the lunch lady even
gave me her phone number.

You see, man, you should keep that suit.

A lunch lady today,

maybe someone under 60 tomorrow.

I wish I could keep it.

Too bad it's a top secret
prototype worth a million dollars.

What? You snuck a
million-dollar space suit

out of a high-security facility to
impress a bunch of fourth-graders?

Are you crazy?!

I don't know, but I'll
tell you what's crazier.

You're gonna help me sneak it back in.

Uh-uh.

There's no way, man. Why
would I risk my job to do that?

Well, because I snuck
it out on your watch.

- Grab the suit. Let's go.
- Okay.

Yes!

Another 30. You are definitely
getting your colonoscopy today.

This isn't fair. You didn't tell
me you were great at Skee-Ball.

That's right. Because if I did,

you might have picked Whac-A-Mole.

It just makes me feel weird

smashing those cute
little guys over the head.

Well, I can still win this thing

if I get that hundred in the corner.

Please, Calvin, nobody ever hits those.

- You might as well give up now.
- Uh-uh.

If I get this ball in that hole,

that means no one's getting near mine.

Oh!

How the hell'd you do that?

Well, let's just say I was
literally fighting to save my ass.

Okay, you know what,
Calvin, fine, you win.

But I don't... I don't get it.

You know, you are one of
the toughest guys I know.

How are you this afraid of
a minor medical procedure?

It's not the procedure
I'm afraid of, Dave.

Okay, well, then what is it?

What if they find something? All right?

I just got a clean bill of health.

I want to quit while I'm ahead.

Okay, Calvin, what does that even mean?

It means if I'm sick,
I don't want to know.

Look, Tina said that one out
of 48 men get colon cancer.

What if I'm number 48?

But not knowing doesn't
keep you from being sick.

It keeps you from being
able to do anything about it.

Look, I know this
doesn't make any sense,

but this disease is
even worse for Black men,

and...

I just can't think of the possibility
of not being there for my family.

Yeah, but isn't family the whole point?

I mean, how would... how
would you feel if Tina

or the boys were in your situation?

Wouldn't you want them to know the truth

so if there was some sort of bad news

they could do something about it?

Of course I would.

Well, then don't you think you
owe it to them to do the same?

Come on, Calvin, you know I'm right.

Fine. Let's go.

Great.

But before we do, I want
you to know something, Dave.

You are my BFF.

Thank you.

You know, with you wearing that shirt,

well, it'll kind of be like,

you know, we're in that room together.

And you took it too far!

Smells good, babe. What are we having?

Well, in honor of the good
news about your colonoscopy,

I thought we'd celebrate
with rump roast.

Very funny. Go ahead.

Get it out of your system.

After that orange
laxative, I know I did.

Well, seriously, Pop,

I'm really glad that
you went through with it.

Yeah, Dad, we're proud of you, man.

I mean, I would have preferred
you showed us the pictures

after dinner, but still.

Well, what's important is now we know

that you're gonna be
with us a long time.

Yeah. And pretty soon, we'll
know the same about you.

Ah. What do you mean?

Well, I talked to your doctor today

and scheduled your colonoscopy.

Say what, now?

Babe, it's just as important
that women get them, too.

So, here you go.

Enjoy your dinner.

Colon cancer is 90%
treatable if detected early.

Go to StandUpToCancer.org/ColonCancer

for information on which screening
test may be right for you.