Original subtitles

-- Subs by kinglouisxx -- for www.addic7ed.com

Happy belated birthday!

My birthday was like a month ago.

Well, it took me this long to find you the perfect present.

Holy crap.

Is that one of those giant coffee table books?

Yep.

It's one of those gifts that looks impressive

but is actually really cheap, right?

Well, that's what made it so perfect.

I got it for 25 cents at a yard sale.

This old lady with arthritis couldn't even lift it anymore,

so she dragged it in by a wagon to show it to me.

Wow, a book about famous castles.

How did you know about my love for giant stone houses?

This is the same book Meghan Markle looks at

when she's filled with regret.

So, you never told me... what did Josh give you?

You're the first woman in the family to date a rich guy.

I once got an expensive silk scarf,

but the guy's wife came and took it back.

Oh, well, uh, Josh was supposed to take me

to his family's vacation house in South Haven,

but, uh, I haven't really heard from him in a while.

How long's a while?

I don't know, like a-a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks?

You guys were all over each other 24/7.

I know.

Just please don't tell Mom about it.

She'll blow this way out of proportion.

He's probably just protesting somewhere with no cell service.

I'm sure he'll get me something great when he gets back.

Harris, sweet Harris.

We're all raised to believe in the fairy tale.

You know the one.

It's 3:00 in the morning at some dive bar

and you see him

scratching his head with a fork in the cutest way.

He puts out a cigarette in his leftover nachos

and approaches you, and you think

"This is the start of something beautiful,"

so you spend the night with him.

But you wake up the next morning and he's gone.

And so is your toaster oven.

And you sit there eating your soft, dry bread, thinking,

"Damn, he got the coffee maker, too."

Why don't you look at the castles

and pretend you're a princess?

I don't understand why we can't have waffles.

Grandpa has syrup right there.

Uh, that is pure maple syrup that I bought for your grandpa.

That stuff is like gold.

We're not gonna waste it on your unevolved palates.

We'll get you a jug of the cheap stuff

whenever we get a coupon for it.

I'll add that to my list for Child Protective Services.

I've had previous grievances.

Oh, wow.

Here's a picture of a woman who's over 100 years old.

In 1918, she had the Spanish flu,

and in 2020, she beat Covid.

Twice.

Man, I wish I had her genes.

But not her luck.

What do you got for me?

Um, a woman made her family move into the garage

because she didn't want to get Covid,

so she got a cat for company.

And then she tripped over the cat on the stairs

and broke her neck.

As soon as we knock out this Covid thing,

we gotta go after cats.

Can we just enjoy sitting down to one meal

without talking about Covid?

There's plenty of other tragic events

for you two to find hilarious.

Homicides are up everywhere.

Enjoy.

Well, this is how we deal with this stuff.

You can either laugh or cry, and we choose to laugh about it.

Oh, by the way, Mom, I don't have

basketball practice tomorrow.

They said there's a leak in the gym roof

and the floor isn't safe.

Oh, nope, that's a lie.

The parents got an e-mail saying

that your coach just tested positive.

C-Coach Kazmerick?

Is he okay?

Yeah, he'll probably be fine.

The good news is if enough kids have to quarantine,

you might actually get a chance to play.

Do you think there's a reason

they didn't tell the kids about the coach?

Oh, he would've heard it from his friends anyway.

I think it's a mistake constantly hammering him

with all this Covid stuff.

He's gonna develop an obsession with it.

I-I just got him talking about it, which is healthy.

I started having panic attacks

because I wasn't talking about my anxieties.

Yeah, fair enough, but m-maybe you could try

mixing some good news in with it.

Uh, I-I mean, I read this morning

more and more people are surviving the virus.

Well, Mark's a smart kid. He knows it goes beyond that.

He knows some of them wind up with heart problems,

lung problems, memory problems.

See, there's your good news.

Those people won't remember what it was like to be healthy.

3x12 - A Stomach Ache, A Heartbreak And A Grave Mistake

That was so sweet for you to get this for Beverly Rose, Dad,

but don't you think the way her legs wrap around the seat

will make her bowlegged?

Well, if it does, it'll make it much easier

for her to ride a horse.

Don't repeat this to your sister.

I'm listening.

- Dad, I need to talk to you about Josh... - Ehh.

...that rich kid that Harris is in love with.

Oh, I like him.

He gives me cash to leave the room

so they can make out.

Invest that wisely. That's your college fund.

So, Harris thinks he's out of town,

but I saw him at his parents' house

watching "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

on the biggest projection TV I have ever seen.

I mean, the picture was so clear,

it was like I was in the parade.

You were spying on this guy and you stayed to watch the movie?

I already had a comfortable position in the tree,

and that movie really holds up.

Should I tell Harris?

Nehh. Tell Darlene. It's her kid.

I'm Harris' brother. Can I please tell her?

No. There's $5 in my purse.

You can have it if you leave now.

You don't have a purse.

I don't have $5, either. Get out.

I don't know what to do.

Darlene warned Harris about Josh,

but she doesn't want the "I told you so."

I can't just sit back and watch Harris be blindsided like this.

I know how much that hurts.

Hey, Grandpa, you might want to check on Mary.

She doesn't know how to work the remote

and she just ordered "Mulan" four times.

Aah! That's 120 bucks!

I'm so glad you came in here.

There's something I need to show you.

I took this yesterday.

Josh has been at his parents' house the whole time.

That piece of crap.

He said he loved me. Things were going great with us.

I'm really sorry.

He owes you an explanation.

Why?

It's over. There's nothing I can do.

Yes, there is.

Nobody has the right to disrespect you like that.

You deserve some closure.

You let one guy get away with treating you badly,

it's easier to let the next guy do it to you, too.

Just don't want to be some creepy ex-girlfriend stalker.

I don't know why that's gotten such a bad rap.

You need to go over there

and show him you will not be ignored.

Maybe you boil his rabbit.

What the hell are you talking about?

Boil his rabbit? That's horrible.

Oh, you never saw that movie.

It's about this perfectly reasonable woman

who gets the short end of the stick.

We'll watch it later.

Oh, God. I can't believe this.

What's wrong?

I don't want your father to hear.

I went to visit Roseanne's grave

because it'd been almost two years.

Why are you freaking out?

Wait, was she not there?

No, she's there.

But now there's a tombstone

right next to hers that says,

"I can't believe they stuck me next to this bitch."

That is horrible. Who is it?

You remember the Remschlatters?

You have to be more specific.

There's a lot of Remschlatters out there.

Paul Remschlatter.

The guy down the street who used to put his trash

in our cans when his were full.

Oh, I remember that.

And then Mom took the trash cans and dumped them out on his lawn.

You know, after we picked out all his recyclables.

Yeah, so that went on for years,

and now he's trying to have the last laugh.

- Not on my watch. - What are you gonna do?

I don't know, but I have to defend my sister

because she can't.

And she always defended me.

Was that after I left the house?

Because all I remember is her relentlessly mocking you.

Tomato, potato!

She was a wonderful person!

Mulan is so brave.

She took her father's place in the war to protect him.

That's a good daughter.

Hey, when you drop your phone,

I pick it up so you don't have to bend over.

Yeah, okay.

Do you think my arm looks swollen?

It's a lot bigger than the other one, right?

They both look exactly the same.

What's going on?

Well, Mom sent me this article that said some Covid patients

experience inflammation in their veins

when they first get it and it makes their arms swell up.

Well, it doesn't look swollen, but is it sore?

I don't know. Maybe.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Why are you sending articles like that to him?

No, it's okay. I asked her.

No, it's not okay.

I'm just gonna go upstairs and rent this again

on my computer where I can hear it.

Mark, go outside and shoot some hoops, buddy.

I need to talk to your mom.

No, I don't need to talk to you. I know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna let that kid

think he's got Covid.

The only reason he thinks he's got vein inflammation

is because you keep pushing this crap on him.

No, I'm not pushing anything on him.

He asked me about it, and I'm not gonna lie to him.

That's a parent's job. You have to lie to them.

Kids can't handle everything that goes on in the world.

That's just common sense, right?

Sure, kids are fragile. That's common sense.

No. The entire world is on their phones now.

You can't hide the truth from them anymore.

And if you do, they're just not gonna trust you.

Oh, yeah, no.

If you don't have trust, you got nothing.

It's not so much a matter of trust

as it is making the kid feel safe and secure.

Remember when D.J. had strep throat?

We calmed him down by telling him he was gonna live forever.

You can't go by him. You can't cure stupid.

I'm having really bad pains in my stomach.

Where does it hurt?

Upper stomach? Lower stomach?

Did you go to the bathroom today?

Yes. It really hurts. Is it Covid?

You know what? We're gonna go to urgent care.

Yeah, that's what I'd do.

It's a stomach ache.

Let him lay down and see if he's better in a half an hour.

You're right. We might be overreacting.

No, we're going. Are you coming, Jackie?

Well, maybe I should.

Unless Dan wants me to stay here for supper.

- You should go, Jackie. - Okay.

Ms. Harris?

- Yeah. - Don Blansky.

I'm the director of the Forest Hills cemetery.

Oh, hi. Thank you so much for coming.

- Call me Jackie. - Oh.

And I'm sorry I had to push our appointment.

I had to take my grand-nephew to urgent care.

Oh, anything serious, or...?

Oh, no, no. Don't get excited.

He's fine.

But I made you some pie to nosh on while we talk.

So, I imagine you're probably wondering

why I invited you here.

Uh, well, no. Not really.

I mean, getting wined and dined

is all part of the job these days.

- Ah, I didn't know that. - Oh, yeah.

Everyone's trying to get a good spot.

It's not like high school.

Everybody wants to be Don Blansky's friend now.

Ooh.

Well, I'm glad you're doing well,

even if it is for all the wrong, ghoulish reasons.

Mm. I don't wish anyone ill.

But when a jock who bullied me dies,

you know, a nerd gets a Porsche, you feel me?

I'm trying not to. But, uh...

No, I-I actually don't need a spot.

I just need a small, itty-bitty, little favor.

I would like you to dig up Paul Remschlatter

and move him.

We don't really dig people up, you know.

Unless the authorities figure out something like, uh,

you know, his wife cashed a big life-insurance check,

so maybe he didn't shoot himself in the back of the head.

- That kind of thing. - Mm, well, yeah.

That's not my situation.

Well, what's the issue with Remschlatter?

Uh, the issue is that his headstone

is insulting my sister who's buried right next to him.

Oh! The... The "bitch" one, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, why would you allow that?

Well, it was the deceased's last request,

and it's... it's kind of funny.

People think we have no sense of humor, but we do.

We're just people.

Okay, look, I...

Here's what it is.

I never thought that I would outlive my older sister.

I was a cop.

I was a trucker who fell asleep a lot.

But I'm still going, and she's not,

and so the least I can do is to take care of her memory.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry about your sister,

but, you know, there's nothing I can do.

We... We signed a contract.

Well, what's Remschlatter gonna do?

Take you to court? He's dead!

Well, everyone I work with is dead.

That's not an arguing point.

Look, most people will think it's the woman

on the other side of him, okay?

I'm sure everyone knows your sister was a nice person.

Well, that's where you're wrong, my friend.

Good day to you.

Josh! It's Harris!

I know you're in there! Come out!

What are you doing?

Pizza Express!

Guys hate confrontation, but they love pizza.

Josh!

I just want to talk!

He's never gonna come out.

I feel so stupid. Let's just go.

Oh, I got a way to get him out.

Geez! First the rabbit, now a bat?

God, you're a psycho. This is why you're single.

Calm down. We're gonna destroy his mailbox.

Once he sees that, he'll come out.

Whoa!

That stung a little.

If this was a cartoon, I'd be vibrating right now.

You have lost some rage since you had that baby.

Let me take a shot.

I felt that one in my teeth.

Okay.

He may be too wealthy to vandalize.

Their mail must be much more important than ours.

God, it's taking a long time for the doctor

to give us Mark's test results.

I'm sure he's fine, sweetie.

The doctor is probably just ripping somebody else off

for a $300, two-minute video chat.

Hey, Doc!

Thank you for your service during these difficult times.

Is Mark okay?

Yes, he's tested negative for Covid-19.

Really?

Are you sure?

I mean, he did have that imaginary swollen arm and all.

Well, we also ran some tests for IBS and colitis

because of the recurring stomach aches,

but we were able to rule that out, as well.

Recurring?

Mark didn't have any stomach problems until now.

So, he didn't tell you he's been having them for weeks?

No.

I'm seeing a lot of kids with stomach issues

from chronic stress in this pandemic.

It's been a year of these kids being bombarded

by information every day.

It's... It's too much.

No, that can't be the problem.

Mark's the kind of kid who likes to hear the information.

Well, you know your kid.

But I'd talk to him and see what's going on.

I'm gonna put my nurse on to tell you about

some over-the-counter medications that might help.

This doesn't make sense.

I didn't make my kid sick.

No, you didn't.

You gave him a crippling anxiety disorder.

You didn't know what he was gonna do with it.

Aah!

Holy crap!

This mailbox is built better than our house.

Next tornado, I'm putting Beverly Rose in this thing.

Hey, what are you doing?

My parents are gonna call the cops.

Rich people. Okay, Karen.

Why the hell have you been ghosting me?

Because I thought talking would be awkward.

You seemed really into me, and I just didn't feel the same way.

Plus, I mean, I was your first love.

I didn't want to hurt you.

So you just pretend that I don't exist?

You were only trying to protect your own feelings

because you're not man enough to actually face me

and say goodbye.

Did you think that I was so in love with you

that you would crush me?

You are not that smart, you are not funny,

and you have to go to protests

to make yourself look interesting.

You may have great hair,

but the rest of you is extremely average.

So, are we good?

I am.

You suck.

I'm proud of you.

There are so many times

I should've done that, and I didn't.

Thanks.

Feel better?

Yeah, but no.

I mean, I know I deserve way better than that jerk, but...

doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

One last thing.

- Yes! - Oh!

- Yeah! Great job! - Whoo!

I forgot to tell you that messing with a mailbox

is a federal crime.

We should probably run right now.

Hey.

How you feeling?

A little better. W-What did the doctor say?

Well, no disease,

but she says you're under a lot of stress.

So, why didn't you tell me

you've been having these stomach aches?

Well, I-I didn't want to worry you.

Well, I'm a parent. I'm supposed to worry.

And now, the doctor says that me talking to you

about all this Covid stuff might be causing the problem.

Do you think we talk about it too much?

Yeah, but we have to.

Why?

Because you need to.

What are you talking about?

Covid makes people anxious,

and you've been having panic attacks.

That's why you want to talk about it all the time.

Sharing it with other people makes it less scary, right?

No, I don't want to talk about it.

I-I was only doing it to make you less anxious.

So, we don't have to do this?

My God, no!

It... It's like that O. Henry story,

but instead of selling your hair to get me a pocket watch,

you gave me severe cramps and diarrhea.

Oh, yeah, everybody knows that O. Henry story.

Anyway, um, since my love

irritates your intestinal tract, let's try this...

We are going to focus on the positives

and we're gonna stop looking at the negatives.

That sounds good. And who are you?

Come on.

Look, there's animals coming back to places

that were totally overrun with people.

There's jellyfish that are living again

in the canals of Venice.

Is that a good thing? I thought jellyfish sting you.

Oh, you don't have to worry about that, honey.

They're in Italy.

You're never gonna make it past Indiana.

I-I guess I just have to relax

and accept that even bad things happen for a reason.

That's right.

And you know the saying...

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."

And that's how the murder hornets get in.

I'll... I'll work on it. Yeah.

That wasn't good.

What are you doing out here?

Having a little celebration.

Problem at the cemetery... resolved.

You slept with the cemetery guy? Gross.

He didn't make you lie perfectly still, did he?

Oh, my God!

I didn't do anything with the cemetery guy.

Oh, come on. You can tell me.

Was his bed like a coffin?

Ugh! I wouldn't know.

There was a phone call, we came to an agreement, and it's done.

I'm having Roseanne moved.

Sweet.

I feel sorry for whoever's gonna be buried next to that jerk.

Yeah.

I don't think my mom's gonna like it.

Grandpa, where were you? You never miss dinner.

What's with all the screaming?

Dad, we're not screaming.

Maybe it just seemed that way 'cause somebody

just got certified pre-owned hearing aids.

Used hearing aids?

That's disgusting.

You know, if you snuck up behind an old guy

to take them, they don't work.

No, I got them from a very fine pawnshop,

and they work fantastically.

Can you hear this?

Yes.

Can you hear this? Old goat says what?

Yes, I can hear it. Move.

And with this gizmo,

I can also turn them all the way down

so I don't have to hear any of this.

Now, tell me, Jackie, how was your day?