All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 03x20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst

Oh, damn. They cancelled my Visa.

Oh, yay, a new MasterCard.

Uh-oh.

- What?
- I was going to get my mail.

Okay.

Are you hoping to get it telepathically?

I think you mean telekinetically.

And no.

Wasn't sure of the protocol now you
and Leonard are no longer having coitus.

Ugh.

God, can we please just say
"no longer seeing each other"

Well, we could if it were true.

You live in the same building.
You see each other all the time.

The variable which has changed
is the coitus.

Okay, here's the protocol.

You and I are still friends,
and you stop saying coitus.

Good. I'm glad we're still friends.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

It was a lot of work
to accommodate you in my life.

I'd hate for that effort
to have been in vain.

Right.

Just to be clear, do I have to stop
saying "coitus" with everyone or just you?

Everyone.

Harsh terms, but all right.

- I'll just substitute "intercourse."
- Great.

Or "fornication." Yeah...

But that has judgmental overtones,
so I'll hold that in reserve.

So how you been?

Well, my existence is a continuum...

...so I've been what I am at each point
in the implied time period.

You're just coitusing with me,
aren't you?

- Buzzinga.
- Mm.

- How's Leonard doing?
- He seems all right...

...although he does spend
a disturbing amount of time...

...looking at photographs of you
and smelling the pillow you slept on.

Although now that I think of it,
he asked me not to tell you that.

I'll pretend I didn't hear it.

I'd rather you pretend I didn't say it.

I see you bought Mama Italia
marinara spaghetti sauce.

- Yep.
- That's the sauce my mother uses.

She likes cooking Italian...

...because, according to her,
that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.

Interesting. I'll have to have you over
for spaghetti some night.

I'm hungry now.

Oh, um, okay. Why don't you give me
an hour and come over?

Will you cut up hot dogs into little
chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

- I don't have hot dogs.
- It's all right. I do.

Oh. You're in for what my mother calls
a real Italian treat.

- Hey, where you been?
- I was talking with Penny.

What's wrong with you? You can't
hang out with your roommate's ex.

That's totally uncool.

No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.

Yeah. That's why he's been whining...

...about trying to invent that
memory-wiper gizmo from Men In Black.

Is he making any progress?

Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck
as Daredevil.

So would Ben Affleck.

The point is, in a situation like this,
you gotta pick sides.

You're either on team Leonard
or team Penny.

- Which one picks last?
- What?

Usually, I'm on the team
that picks last.

Unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.

Sheldon, I got you
your tangerine chicken.

I hope you're hungry.

Well, of course I'm hungry.

And as I have no plans
to eat with any other team...

...I will consume my tangerine chicken
with the appropriate gusto.

Mm, mm, mm.

Okay.

Just out of curiosity,
do we still have hot dogs?

I don't know. Why?

Just making dinner conversation.

Go team Leonard.

- Oh, God, this is good.
- Let me ask you a question.

Do you believe you're going to go to hell
for eating sweet-and-sour pork?

Jews don't have hell.
We have acid reflux.

Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?

Certainly. It's not like I have
to moderate my food intake...

...because I'm planning on eating again
very shortly.

Mm, mm, mm.

So you wanna do something tonight?

No, I can't. I gotta pick up my mom
from her water-aerobics class.

Eighteen overweight women
flapping their arm fat...

...in a swimming pool.

It's like the manatee tank
at SeaWorld.

- What about you, Raj?
- Oh, there it is.

Now you don't have a girlfriend
you wanna hang out with me again.

I never stopped hanging out with you.

I'm the friend you call
when you have no other options.

If we were the Justice League,
I'd be Aquaman.

I wish you were Aquaman.

Then I could send you to scoop my mom
out of the old-lady tank.

Excuse me, I'm thirsty...

...so I'm going to go to the refrigerator
and get myself a refreshing beverage.

You know what?
I'll just spend the evening alone.

What? Suddenly, I'm not good enough
for you?

I do so love beverages.

Now I think
I'll take my after-dinner walk.

Since when do you take
after-dinner walks?

Since when do you take walks?

I read a study online that walking
after a meal not only aids in digestion...

...but increases serotonin.

If there's one thing I like more than a
refreshing beverage, it's serotonin. Bye.

- Hold on. I'll walk down with you.
- Oh, that's not necessary.

You can go first.

Or we could go together.

I can't think of a reason why not.

- Let's go.
- Hold on.

Nope. No reason.

I've missed you.

All right,
say hello to your mother for me.

Okay.

What?

You said you were going for a walk.

I didn't say outside.

So what, you're gonna walk
up and down the stairs?

No, of course not.

That would be odd
and suspicious behavior.

- Here, Rumples. Here, boy.
- Which way are you going?

- Which way are you going?
- I parked my scooter down the block.

I'm going the other way. Bye.

Bye.

Oh, actually, I'm this way.

Do I smell hot dogs?

No. I mean,
I have no idea what you smell.

Well, I definitely smell raw hot dog.

Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.

All right, have a nice walk.

I shall. Have a nice scoot.

You might wanna stand back.
I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.

Oh, hello, doggie. Nice doggie.

I bet you think you smell hot dogs.

Look, a cat.

Penny.

Penny.

Penny.

Here.

I had to trade the others for my life.

- Hey, Leonard?
- Yeah?

I haven't had sex in a year.

Where are you going with this, Raj?

Don't flatter yourself, dude.

- I wanna go out and meet a woman.
- So go.

I need a wingman. I don't wanna
come off like a lonely loser.

And you think my presence
will help with that?

Well, I do.
Next to you, I look like a catch.

- I'm not going out tonight, Raj.
- All right.

Would you mind if I went to your room
and downloaded Asian pornography?

Very much.

Doesn't have to be Asian.

- Don't worry. You'll meet a girl.
- No, I won't.

Yes, you will.
And she'll be beautiful...

...and kind and sexy and funny and
everything you ever wanted in a woman.

- You really think so?
- I do.

You'll fall hopelessly in love
and give her your heart.

She'll take it and grind it
into pathetic little pieces.

We will have sex first, right?

Mm, mm, mm.

That's Italian.

So was Leonard okay
with you coming over?

Oh. Yes.

In fact, he said, "I'm fine. I don't care."

In no manner
which would lead one to believe...

...that he was covering up feelings
of anguish and betrayal.

- Well, good.
- I'm also pleased to report...

...that he's all cried out over you.

He's been crying?

Oh, I believe that was something else
I wasn't supposed to mention.

Oh, God. I feel terrible.

Do you have a stomachache too?

No. Why, do you?

No.

Why did you ask if I had one too?

Just making polite
dinner conversation.

Your turn.

All right.

So, what's new in your life?

Well, my new shoes
are not made for running.

Have you been running?

No.

It's just a suspicion I have.

Mm, mm, mm.

- I'm so glad you like it.
- I do.

Leonard never cooks for me.

Well, maybe that's because
Leonard can't cook.

You can't cook and you made me this.

Whatever. Oh, let me get the cheesecake
out of the fridge.

Oh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell.

Look at this. Do you think she's
really doing that or is it Photoshop?

I'm sure
Martha Stewart never got naked...

...with a room full
of big fat Japanese guys.

You don't know that.

Prison changes people.

Hey, where you been?

I told you. Walking.

For an hour and a half?

I got lost.

How could you get lost?
Your phone has GPS.

Satellites are down. Solar flares.

- There are no solar flares now.
- Yes, there are.

Dude, I'm an astrophysicist. If there
were solar flares, I'd be all up in it.

I'm sorry, I misspoke.

What I meant to say
was my battery died.

- What the hell was that about?
- I don't know.

Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton
doing it with Oprah?

Aw, we really need to get you a girl.

Leonard.

Leonard.

- Leonard.
- Oh, just come in!

Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.

What do you want, Sheldon?

Maybe this isn't a good time.

Tell me why you woke me up
or I swear to God I will kill you.

Do you really think death threats are an
appropriate way to begin conversation?

Sometimes your lack of social skills
astonishes me.

What do you want?

You may wanna sit down.

I'm in bed.

Point taken. You may wanna sit up.

Sheldon!

I've been seeing Penny
behind your back.

Okay.

When you say "seeing Penny,"
what exactly does that mean?

We had dinner last night.

She made me spaghetti
with little hot dogs cut up in it.

Well, little hot dog.

I gave up the other five hot dogs
to a real dog.

A real big dog.

A hell hound.

It's tangential to the primary story.
How about I circle back to it?

Fine. Why did you
have dinner with Penny?

She made spaghetti
with little hot dogs.

I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

Well, then why did you
have Chinese food with us?

I didn't wanna upset you.

Howard made it very clear that my
allegiance should be to male comrades...

...before women who sell their bodies
for money.

Is it possible he said,
"Bros before ho's"?

Yes, but I rephrased it
to avoid offending the ho's.

Sheldon, I don't care
if you wanna be friends with Penny.

Oh.

So the turmoil
that has been keeping me...

...from achieving REM sleep
was entirely unjustified?

Yes.

Well, then as my meemaw would say...

...looks like we butchered a pig,
but nobody wanted bacon.

I guess not.

And now, as promised, the tangent.

Sheldon and the Hell Hound.

Or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.

Oh, um, ahem.

- I can come back.
- Don't be silly.

We're neighbors. We're gonna run into
each other. May as well get used to it.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

- Used to it yet?
- Nope.

Me neither.

Oh. Sheldon seemed to think
I'd be upset about you hanging out.

But I want you to know it's fine.

Oh, good.
Because his mother called me.

- His mother?
- Yeah, she wants me...

...to take him shopping
for sheets and towels.

I was gonna do that.

Oh, well, then you do it.

I don't wanna do it. You can do it.

Okay, then you can take him
for shoes.

I just took him for shoes.

Well, all I know is he says
they hurt his feet.

Fine. I'll take him for shoes
next Saturday.

No. A bunch of us from work
are going to Disneyland next Saturday...

...and Sheldon wants to come.

You're taking him to Disneyland?

Well, he heard me making plans
on the phone. Was I gonna say no?

All right, but let me know if you're
gonna stuff him with junk food.

I don't wanna bring home a nice dinner
for him and see it go to waste.

We're going to Disneyland.
He's gonna eat junk food.

All I'm saying is give me a heads-up.

Okay, whatever.

And don't let him go on Space Mountain
after he eats.

He'll say he can handle it, but you'll
end up with churro puke on your shoes.

All right. Got it. Anything else?

Don't let Goofy near him.

He'll have nightmares,
and I'll have to deal with it.

- What's the problem with Goofy?
- Wish I knew. He's fine with Pluto.

Do you think the elastic woman
in The Incredibles...

...needs to use birth control
or can she just be a diaphragm?

Well, that's it. We're officially
out of things to talk about.

We're home.

It's 10:00. Where have you been?

We stayed
for the California Adventure water show.

It was pure Disney magic.

- I was gonna see that with him.
- How was I to know that?

It's all right. I'll see it again with you.

I have food here. You were gonna call.

- I know, I know.
- I can still eat.

No. You already threw up once.
Go put on your p.j.'s and brush your teeth.

Okay, but just don't fight.

- We're not fighting.
- Just go.

Aren't you gonna thank Penny
for taking you?

Thank you, Penny.

You're welcome, sweetie.

Want a cup of coffee?

Oh, I should probably get going.

- Come on, it's just a cup of coffee.
- Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, the whole thing
seems a little twisted to me too.

What am I smelling?

Sheldon's churro on my shoes.

Such an angel when he's asleep.

Yeah, shame he has to wake up.

I think we can do it.

Smother Sheldon in his sleep?
Wouldn't that be wrong?

No, be friends. You and me.

Oh, sure.

Absolutely.

Good. I'm glad.

Here's an idea. I'm just throwing it
out there. Friends who have sex.

Good night, Leonard.

Kidding. Just a couple of friends
goofing around.

No, Goofy, no.