All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 03x18 - The Pants Alternative

Okay, in Avatar
when they have sex on Pandora...

...they hook up their ponytails.

So we know their ponytails
are like their junk.

Yeah. So?

When they ride horses
and fly on birds...

- ...they also use their ponytails.
- Your point?

My point is if I were a horse or a bird I'd
be very nervous around James Cameron.

It amazes me how you constantly
obsess over fictional details...

...when there are important things
in the world to worry about.

For example, why wasn't William
Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?

Hey, Sheldon,
I was up in the administration office...

...and I happened to overhear
the name of the winner...

...of the
Chancellor's Award for Science.

You wanna rub my nose in the fact my
contributions are being overlooked again?

I am the William Shatner
of theoretical physics.

All right, I'll play.

What self-important preening fraud
are they honoring this year?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked it like that.
You.

- I won?
- You won.

I won.

This is astonishing.

Not that I won the award.
No one deserves it more.

Actually, I guess I misspoke.
It's not astonishing.

It's more like inevitable.

Not sure what to do.
Maybe call my mother.

Wait. I'm gonna conduct
an interview with myself...

...and post it online.

Well, good for him.

Yeah, the one thing
the William Shatner...

...of theoretical physics needed
was an ego boost.

Did it look like that spear was gonna
go right through your skull?

No.

Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee
at 7-Eleven, you don't get glasses.

Oh. That will be another
congratulatory call for me.

- Mute, please.
- Wait. Hang on. Flaming arrow.

Hello?

Oh, Chancellor Morton,
how are you, sir?

Yes, I was expecting your call.
Three years ago.

I see.

What happens if
I choose not to give a speech?

Uh-huh. And if I don't want to forfeit
the award?

Well, you've got that tied up
in a neat little bow.

All right, thank you.

- Problem.
- What?

They expect me to give a speech
at the banquet.

I can't give a speech.

Well, no, you're mistaken.
You give speeches all the time.

What you can't do is shut up.

Yeah, before the movie,
you did 20 minutes...

...on why guacamole turns brown.

Turned brown
while you were talking.

I'm perfectly comfortable speaking
to small groups.

I cannot speak to large crowds.

What to you is a large crowd?

Any group big enough
to trample me to death.

General rule of thumb is 36 adults
or 70 children.

Sheldon. Congratulations.

Brought you cheesecake from work.

You know, because of your award,
not because that busboy sneezed on it.

- I'm not accepting the award.
- Why not?

Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper
has stage fright.

That's no reason to back out.

I once got a pretty big
honor in high school.

I was terrified about appearing
in front of a big crowd...

...but I went through with it.
You know?

The world looked pretty darn good
sitting on a haystack...

...in the back of a Ford F-150 as a
member of the corn queen's court.

Thank you. I'll bear that in mind...

...if I'm ever nominated
for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

- Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
- Am I?

Let me tell you a story.

Where's 70 children
when you need them?

I was 14 and graduating
summa cum laude from college.

"Summa cum laude" is Latin
for "with highest honors."

I just love how you always skip over
the part where no one asks.

I was valedictorian
and expected to give an address.

Even now I can remember
that moment...

...when I walked up to the podium
and looked out at the crowd.

There must have been
thousands of people.

My heart started pounding
in my chest.

I began to hyperventilate.

My vision became blurry,
and before I knew it...

Oh, dear.

- Oh, my God.
- Sheldon?

- Sheldon, are you okay?
- Don't trample me.

Come on, Mother, you know
why I can't accept the award.

With all due respect,
I don't think praying will help.

No, I have not heard the song
"Jesus, Take the Wheel."

No, no, no.
You don't need to start singing it.

Yes, I'll buy it on "the iTunes,"
Mother.

Goodbye, Mother.

Hello.

- Sit down. We wanna talk to you.
- Am I in trouble?

Did my mother call you?

Just sit.

We think we can help you
with your stage fright.

Oh, I doubt that.

I haven't figured out a way
and I'm much smarter than all of you.

Yes, but you're not smarter
than all of us put together.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That is what I meant.

Okay. Your problem is
you're trying to do this all by yourself.

We could help you.
We can be your team.

Like Professor Xavier
and his X-Men.

I do like the X-Men.

Did I see X-Men?

Yeah, we watched it last week.
You said you liked it.

Oh, I say a lot of things, sweetie.

So how about it, Sheldon?

I don't know. If you're my X-Men,
what are your powers?

Okay, well, I'm gonna take you
shopping, get you a nice suit.

- Might give you more confidence.
- It's not exactly a mutation...

...that would get you into Xavier's
School for Gifted Youngsters...

...but go on. Leonard?

I thought I could try to analyze you
and get to the root of your anxiety.

What qualifies you to attempt
to understand my mind?

My mother is a highly regarded
psychiatrist...

...and I've been in therapy
ever since...

...she accused me
of breast feeding co-dependently.

And Raj says he can teach you...
What did you call it?

I don't know,
some Indian meditation crap.

I see. I assume since the rest of you
have set the bar so low...

...you're saving the most impressive
contribution for last.

Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.

My power is the ability to pretend
like I give a damn...

...about your piddly-ass problems.

And that's 24/7, buddy.

And I appreciate the pretense.

So, what do you say, Sheldon?
Are we your X-Men?

No. The X-Men were named
for the X in Charles Xavier.

Since I am Sheldon Cooper,
you will be my C-Men.

Oh, that's not a good name.

Okay, Sheldon...

...I'm going to be leading you through
a series of meditation exercises.

These methods come
from the ancient gurus of India...

...and have helped me
overcome my own fears.

And yet you can't speak to women.

But thanks to meditation...

...I'm able to stay in the same room
with them without urinating.

Now, ahem, close your eyes.

Okay, but don't punch me.

- What?
- When I was little my sister would say:

"Close your eyes,
you'll get a surprise."

And then she'd punch me.

- I'm not going to punch you.
- That's what my sister used to say.

- Look, do you wanna do this or not?
- I'm sorry. Proceed.

All right, ahem...

...imagine yourself in the one place
you feel most at home.

- Where is that?
- SimCity.

More specifically, the SimCity
I designed, Sheldonopolis.

Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis.

Where exactly? Sheldon Square?

Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium,
home of the fighting Sheldons?

Whatever you like.

I thought this was supposed to be
guided meditation.

Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.

Really? This time of the year?
It's a bit nippy.

Then put on a sweater.

Suppose I could run downtown
and pick up something at Shel-Mart.

Yeah. Whatever.
Just go buy a sweater.

The nice thing about Shel-Mart is
I own it, so I get a 15 percent discount.

You own the damn thing,
just take a freaking sweater.

I didn't turn a profit last quarter...

...by taking product off the shelves
willy-nilly.

All right.

You've paid for a sweater
and you're in Sheldon Square.

Ahem. Hang on.

It's a cardigan, I have to button it.

- Oh, no.
- What now?

A Godzilla-like monster
is approaching the city.

I have to get my people to safety.

People of Sheldonopolis,
this is your mayor.

Follow me.

If the children can't run,
leave them behind.

Oh, the simulated horror.

Raj?

Just as I suspected.

Meditation is nothing but hokum.

I question your premise.

How is a new suit going to prevent me
from passing out...

...in front of a ballroom
full of people?

It'll give you confidence.

Sometimes when I'm feeling
stressed out...

...I go out and buy a cute top
or a fun skirt...

...and I have a whole new outlook
on life.

Don't you eventually realize
you're the same stressed-out person...

...in a cute top or a fun skirt?

Yeah, that's when I buy shoes.

Now, let's see what we got.

Oh. This is nice.

It's only one color.

Yes, so?

That's a lot of money
for only one color.

Fine. Why don't you pick out
what you like?

Hmm.

This is pretty sharp.

No. You're wrong.

This is great.

I had a suit like this when I was six.

Okay, I think we have a winner.

- Where the hell did you find that?
- In the prom department.

It's ridiculous.

Says the former member
of the corn queen's court.

- Please just try this one on?
- Okay.

But anything I put on now
is only gonna suffer in comparison.

This is absurd. I look like a clown.

So, Sheldon...

...how you doing?

That's how you start
a psychotherapy session?

How am I doing?

I was promised a riverboat journey
into the jungles of my subconscious.

Instead I get the same question...

...I hear from the lady
who slices my bologna at Ralph's.

I'm sorry. I'll start again.

Would it be helpful to you
if I told you about my dreams?

Um... I don't know, maybe.

I recently had a dream
that I was a giant.

But everything around me
was to scale so it all looked normal.

Well, how did you know you were
a giant if everything was to scale?

I was wearing size a million pants.

- Why don't we just talk?
- Ah. The talking cure.

Classical Freudian. Good choice.

If it will help speed things along...

...my answers to the standard
Rorschach inkblot test are:

A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat...

...and D, my father killing my mother
with a hypodermic needle.

Why don't I just start?

Sometimes people have trouble
accepting accolades...

...if on a subconscious level,
they don't feel they deserve them.

Do you think maybe
that's what's happening here?

Really, Leonard?

You just going to try to recycle Adler's
doctrine of the inferiority complex?

I could probably get that
from the woman at Ralph's.

And she'd let me taste some pieces
of cheese for free.

But it could be part of your problem.
Let me give you an example.

When I was 8, I won a ribbon
at the science fair for my project...

...Do Lima Beans Grow Better
to Classical Music.

But my mother pointed out
that it was just a rehash...

...of my brother's earlier...

...Do Lima Beans Grow Worse
to Rock 'n ' Roll.

I felt so guilty
I gave the ribbon back.

And how did that make you feel?

Terrible.

I worked really hard on that project.

I stayed up all night singing
the clown's aria from Pagliacci...

...to a lima bean sprout.

Go on.

It wasn't my fault.

I had never seen
my brother's project.

And my mother could've told me
before...

...instead of at the ceremony
in front of everyone.

So I hear you saying you're angry
with your mother.

Damn right,
I'm angry with my mother.

For God's sake,
I was 8 years old.

She humiliated me.

That's when the bed-wetting
started again.

- Thank you, Leonard.
- For what?

If someone as damaged as you
can find his way...

...to crawl out of bed each morning...

...I think I can face
a simple awards ceremony.

Wait, that's it?
I thought we had a whole hour.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

It is my great honor
to introduce the winner...

...of this year's Chancellor's Award
for Science, and my good friend...

...Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

But before I do,
I'd like to share with you a letter...

...from Sheldon's mother,
who couldn't be here tonight.

Isn't that nice?
His mother sent him a letter.

She's proud of him.

Wonder what that feels like.

"Dear Shelly."

That's what she calls him.
Shelly. It's a pet name.

You know what my mother's
pet name for me is? Leonard.

But I digress.

- "Dear Shelly, I am so proud..."
- Oh, dear.

- What's the matter?
- I'm getting dizzy.

Don't worry.
You're surrounded by your C-Men.

I can't do this. I'm going to faint.

All right, drink this. It'll relax you.

- Alcohol? I don't drink alcohol.
- Fine, faint.

I don't feel different.
This alcohol's defective.

Here. See if this one works.

First of all,
the projects were totally different.

I was showing that classical music
nurtures lima beans...

...and makes them grow.
But my mother didn't hear me.

If you look at the relationship
between nurturing and growth...

...I'd like to point out that my brother
is 8 inches taller than me.

I'm ready!

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our guest of honor...

...Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Thanks, shorty. I'll take it from here.

All right,
you people ready to have some fun?

You have an understanding
of differential calculus...

...and at least one year
of algebraic topology?

Well, here come the jokes.

Why did the chicken
cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side?
Buzzinga.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks,
"How much for a drink?"

The bartender says,
"For you, no charge."

Hello? I know you're out there.

I can hear you metabolizing oxygen
and expelling carbon dioxide.

It looks like we have some
academic dignitaries in the audience.

Dr. Randall
from the geology department...

...only man who's happy
when they take his work for granite.

Bada-cha.

I kid the geologists, of course...

...but it's only because
I have no respect for the field.

Let's get serious for a moment.

Why are we all here?

Because we're scientists.

And what do scientists study?

The universe.

And what's the universe made of?

I am so glad you asked.

There's antimony, arsenic
Aluminum, selenium

Hydrogen and oxygen
And nitrogen and rhenium

And nickel, neodymium
Neptunium, germanium

Everybody!

And Iron, americium
Ruthenium, uranium

Europium, zirconium
Lutetium, vanadium

Just the Asians!

And lanthanum and osmium
And astatine and radium

Penny, Leonard.

Would you be able to answer
some questions I'm having...

...about the events of last night?

- Sure.
- Question one.

Where are my pants?

You might wanna check YouTube.

- What do I search?
- It's already loaded. Just hit play.

All right, people,
let's get down to the math.

It Is only three-dimensional thinking
that limits our imagination.

Can I take my pants off
over my head?

Of course not,
my body's In the way.

But If we had access
to higher dimensions...

...we could move our pants
around our bodies...

...through the fourth dimension...

...and our days of dropping trousers
would be over.

Oh, Lord, this couldn't be
any more humiliating.

Oh. Give it a minute.

Now for the astronomers
In the audience...

...get ready to see the dark side
of the moon.

And here's Uranus.