All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 03x04 - The Pirate Solution

This movie baffles me
every time we watch it.

What do you mean?

The instructions are very clear.
Don't feed the gremlins after midnight.

Don't get the gremlins wet.

How hard is that?

Hi, guys.

- Hi, honey.
- Hey.

Oh, we're "honey" now, are we?

Yes. Since their relationship
became carnal...

...Penny has upgraded
his designated term of endearment...

...distinguishing him
from those she calls "sweetie"...

...in an attempt to soften
a thinly veiled insult.

You're boring people, sweetie.

Although sometimes
she omits the veil entirely.

- So, what are you guys doing?
- Celebrating Columbus Day.

We're watching Goonies, Gremlins
and Young Sherlock Holmes.

They're all written by Chris Columbus.

Okay. What do you watch
on Thanksgiving?

The parade.

That reminds me. I usually go back
to Nebraska for Thanksgiving.

This year, they're calling it off
on account of my brother's trial.

- What's he on trial for?
- Oh, just a big misunderstanding.

You know, you'd like my brother.
He's kind of a chemist.

I was thinking
I'd have Thanksgiving here.

- And you are all invited.
- Oh, I'll be there.

Will you be serving cranberry jelly
or cranberry sauce?

I guess I could serve both.

You guess? You don't seem
to have much of a handle on this.

Yeah, I really wish I could,
Penny, but every year...

...my mother has all the relatives over
and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil.

Tur-briska-fil?

A turkey stuffed with a brisket
stuffed with gefilte fish.

It's not as good as it sounds.

Raj, what about you?

Oh, he usually comes
to my house. Right, pal?

Uh, all right. This year,
you don't have to eat the tur-briska-fil.

I don't even chew it.
I swallow it like pills.

So, what's going on with Raj?

Well, the good news
is he has no problem...

...with my mother's tur-briska-fil.

Hard to believe, but go on.

The bad news
is he says he's getting deported.

What do you mean
he's getting deported?

I believe it means the U.S. government
is going to expel him from the country.

He could return to India, immigrate to
another country willing to accept him...

...or wander the high seas
as a stateless pirate.

Personally, I'd choose pirate.

Penny, would you mind stepping outside
so we can speak to him?

Ugh. Fine, but the man really needs to work
on his girl issues.

Another reason
to consider a life of piracy.

Even today, I understand
that's an all-male profession.

Okay, she's gone.

Sorry I lost my cool.

So, what's going on?

Okay, here's the deal.

Six months ago, my research
testing the predicted composition...

...of trans-Neptunian objects
ran into a dead end.

So?

My visa is only good as long
as I'm employed at the university.

When they find out I've got squat,
they're gonna cut me off.

By the way, when I say "squat,"
I mean "diddlysquat."

I wish I had squat.

Wait. What have you been doing
for the past six months?

You know, checking e-mail...

...updating my Facebook status...

...messing up Wikipedia entries.

Did you know Netflix lets you
stream movies on your computer now?

You've continued to take the university's
money under false pretenses?

Highly unethical for an astrophysicist.

Although, practically mandatory
for a pirate.

I don't wanna go back to India.
It's hot and loud.

And there's so many people.

You have no idea. They're everywhere.

Okay, guys, think.
How do we keep Raj in the country?

Why doesn't he just get another job?

What are you asking me for?
I don't know if you can talk now or not.

Oh, beef.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Did you know at the Mumbai McDonald's,
you can't get a Big Mac?

All you can get
is a Chicken Maharaja Mac.

And the special sauce?

Curry. Which in India,
believe you me, is really not that special.

- Don't worry. You'll find another job.
- Yeah, let me start practicing for it.

"Do you want fries
with that Maharaja Mac?"

Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.

Hello, Sheldon.

Forgive me.
I'm not adept at reading facial cues.

But I'm going to take a stab here.
You're either sad or nauseated.

- I'm sad.
- I was going to say sad.

I don't know why I hedged.

What are you eating?

Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger
and tomato sauce.

Oh, beefaroni.

I think I'll miss you most of all.

I've always been a little confused
about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?

- We believe cows are gods.
- Not technically.

In Hinduism,
cattle are thought to be like God.

Do not tell me about my culture.
I'll take you out, I swear to cow.

I'm sorry.

Me too. I'm just... I'm a little on edge.

Mm, understandable. Your life seems
to be crumbling around you...

...and your future appears bleak at best.

Thank you.

And you're wrong
about Hinduism and cows.

Hey, Raj, Professor Laughlin
is looking for someone to join...

- ...the stellar evolution research team.
- You're kidding. That's fantastic.

- Call him and set up an interview.
- I'm on it.

- That's happy, right?
- Yeah.

Nailed it.

Dr. Koothrappali, come on in.

I was surprised to hear you're interested
in joining our team.

Giving up on those
trans-Neptunian objects, are we?

No, no. It's a very promising area.

In a perfect world,
I'd spend several more years on it.

I couldn't pass up the opportunity
to work with you...

...on your tremendously exciting and
not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.

Splendid. Please sit down.

Can I offer you a sherry?

It's a little early, isn't it?

Not on Proxima Centauri. Ha, ha.

Oh, that's very good.

Jolly amusing. But if you don't mind,
I'll hold off until sunset on Titan.

Ha, ha. Well done. I have a feeling
you're going to fit in fine, Dr. Koothrappali.

Thank you, sir.

I'm sorry. Am I late?

No, no. Right on time.

Dr. Koothrappali,
may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT.

She'll be heading up
our data analysis team.

It's nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali.

I read your paper on Kuiper Belt
object-size distribution.

I really enjoyed it.

How did you correct
for the selection bias?

Well, I ran a simulation.

Allowed me to correct
for the observational efficiency.

- Oh. That's just fascinating.
- Thank you.

Would you like to hear more about it
at my hot tub?

So when do I start?

You didn't get the job?
How could you not get it?

You know, he's British, I'm Indian.

Ever since Gandhi,
they haven't liked us very much.

Are you saying that he discriminated
against you? We should file a complaint.

That's okay. Complaint's been filed.

So that's it.

That was my last hope.

I'm gonna be deported.
Sent home in disgrace.

Exposed to the sardonic barbs
of my cousin Sanjay.

Or as you may know him,
Dave from AT&T Customer Service.

- I'm really gonna miss you.
- Will you come visit me in India?

Gee, that's like a 17-hour flight.

How about I meet you halfway?

Halfway is 600 miles
off the coast of Japan.

Tell you what, we'll Skype.

- Gentlemen.
- Hey.

Raj, did you get the job
with Professor Laughlin?

- No.
- I assumed as much, but never fear.

Like the subordinate male protagonist
in action movies who disappears...

...halfway through the second reel,
I have returned to save the day.

Odd. Usually he's met by cheers.

Anyway, I was thinking about exploring
the string theory implications...

...of gamma rays
from dark-matter annihilations.

- It occurred to me that I could...
- Excuse me.

How many reels before the subordinate
male protagonist gets to his point?

If you didn't cheer at my entrance,
it's too late to buy into the premise.

Anyway, I got some extra money
from the head of the department...

...and Raj can come work for me.

You want me to work with you?

For me.

You're going to have to listen
more carefully when you're on the job.

Okay. Please don't take this
the wrong way...

...but I'd rather swim buck naked
across the Ganges...

...with a paper cut on my nipple...

...and die a slow, agonizing death
from a viral infection...

...than work with you.

For me.

Sheldon, are you busy?

Of course I'm busy.

- Shall I wait?
- Yes, please.

How may I help you?

I've reconsidered your offer
to let me work with you.

For me.

Yes, for you.

I do, however, have a few conditions.

First, at all times, I am to be treated
as a colleague and an equal.

Second, my contributions shall be noted
in published materials.

Third, you are never allowed to lecture me
on Hinduism or my Indian culture.

I'm impressed, Raj.

Those are very cogent
and reasonable conditions.

- Thank you.
- I reject them all.

Then you leave me no choice.

I accept the job.

I'm sorry.
I believe you've misunderstood.

I'm not giving you the job.

I'm simply affording you the opportunity
to apply for it.

Have a seat.
We'll get started with the interview.

You're kidding.

Please.

All right.

So...

That's what you wear to an interview?

Come on, we've been friends for years.

Oh, pulling strings, are we?

Sheldon, for God's sakes,
don't make me beg.

Buzzinga.

You've fallen victim to another one
of my classic practical jokes.

I'm your boss now.
You may wanna laugh at that.

Ah. This is nice,
having the place to ourselves, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

Now that Raj is working for Sheldon,
I don't have to chauffeur him around.

Plus, yeah, with them working late
so much, we get some privacy.

Mm-hm.

Hey.

Wanna get a little crazy?

What are you thinking?

Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot
and make out.

You are a dirty girl.

Oh, God, how did he know?

Hello?

- Hi, Howard.
- Heh.

Am I interrupting?

Little bit, yeah.

Guess I should've called.

Yeah, maybe.

Tonight's the night I usually go
line dancing with Raj at the Palomino.

Uh-huh.

But he's working with Sheldon.

- Yes. We know.
- Hoo.

Want me to leave?

You know, whatever.

I guess I can hang for a little while.

So, what are we watching?

Sex and the City, yikes.

Hey, I happen to love this movie.

Fine. Let's watch it.

Maybe all our periods will synchronize.

We're going to be
designing an experiment...

...to look for the annihilation spectrum
resulting from dark-matter collisions.

Ooh, dark matter.
We better bring a flashlight, ha, ha.

I was making a joke.

I'm the boss. I make the jokes.

Sorry. Go ahead and make your joke.

This is not the time for joking.

We're doing serious research
which requires complete and utter focus.

All right. Let's buckle down and work.

- Sheldon.
- What?

- I need an aspirin.
- Top desk drawer.

- Thank you.
- All right?

- Yes.
- Good.

That was fun, ha, ha.

Thank you.

Leonard, you don't have to say
thank you every time we have sex.

Oh, okay.

Tomorrow, you're gonna get a card
in the mail. Just throw it away.

Top of the morning to you.

What are you doing here?

Well, usually on Sundays...

...I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks
at the farmer's market...

...but he's still working with Sheldon.

So I thought I'd come over here
and make scrambled eggs and salami.

It's the perfect meal for apr�s I'amour.

Kill me.

By the way, I couldn't help overhearing
your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.

See, if you had killed me
when I said "kill me"..

...I wouldn't have had to hear that.

What do you guys think?
Wanna take in a matin�e? Go rollerblading?

Catch a step class?

- Do something.
- Yeah. Okay. Um...

Howard, we need to talk.

Sure. What's up, homes?

Please understand that it's not
that we don't want you around.

But Penny and I
occasionally need some alone time.

Oh.

I get it. I'm the third wheel. Heh.

Sorry, I should've seen that.

I'll get out of your way.

Uh, you're gonna wanna eat those eggs
while they're still hot.

Thank you.

And there's lox and cream cheese
in the fridge.

The bagels are in the oven.
I was warming them up.

That's great.

I'm just gonna hang out with my mom.
That's always fun.

Good.

- Are we terrible people?
- I don't know.

What do you want me to do?

Ahh. Get him. Bring him back.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay. Howard, come back.

Oh, you guys had me scared
for a minute.

No, no. That rate is much too low from
what we'd expect from this collision.

Do you understand we're talking about
dark matter colliding in outer space?

Of course I understand. And who
are you to tell me about outer space?

Well, I'm the astrophysicist.
"Astro" means "space."

"Astro" means "star."

Let me just tell you,
if we were having this argument...

...in my native language,
I'd be kicking your butt.

English is your native language.

Okay, you got me there.
But you're wrong about this.

There's a fine line
between wrong and visionary.

Unfortunately,
you have to be a visionary to see it.

God, you think that every thought that
comes out of your head is pure gold.

Let me tell you,
some of those thoughts are pure caca.

Caca?

- It means "doo-doo."
- All right.

First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first
proposed that you work with me...

Aha! So I am working with you?

In this context,
"with me" means "for me."

Oh. Yeah, well, in this context:

All right.

If I'm wrong, prove it.

Okay.

Here's where we derived the mass
of the dark-matter particle.

- You've misstated the weight.
- Let me finish.

- You're defacing my work.
- I'm not. I'm fixing it.

- Give me the eraser.
- No.

I said give it to me.

Come and get it.

Fine.

Oh, Lord.

Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior,
I forbid you from writing on my board.

- You are not my superior.
- I am in every way.

Oh, yeah? Can you do this?

Nice working with you.

I'm sorry. "For you."

Argh!

Raj?

Raj?

I'm busy.

Doing what?

- You've made your point.
- What do you want, Sheldon?

I looked over the board,
and it turns out you were right.

- You were wrong?
- I didn't say that.

- That's the only logical inference.
- I didn't say it.

Anyway, I would like you to come back
and work for me.

For you or with you?

In this context,
"for me" could mean "with me."

- I have conditions.
- I reject them all.

I'll take the job.

See you Monday.

- Wait. You have to drive me home.
- How did you get here?

- I walked.
- So walk home.

I can't. There's a big dog outside.

We can start thinking about methods
of optimizing the detector...

- ...for 500 GeV particles.
- All right.