All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 03x02 - The Jiminy Conjecture

Sheldon, you're wrong.

Wolverine was not born
with bone claws.

Howard, you know me to be
a very smart man.

Don't you think if I were wrong,
I'd know it?

- First of all...
- Give it up.

You're arguing with a crazy person.

I'm not crazy.
My mother had me tested.

- Hey, guys.
- What are you doing here?

What? It's new-comic-book night.

Since you and Penny hooked up...

...we thought you two would be having
bouncy naked yum-yum night.

There's more to life than sex, Raj.

Who had Leonard flames out
in 24 hours?

I did.

Nothing flamed out.

We don't have to have sex
every night.

You don't have to,
but it's highly recommended.

Take advantage
of that window of opportunity...

...before it slams shut
on your little dinky.

It's not a matter of opportunity.

We're getting to know each other.
There's a learning curve.

What's to learn?
You get naked, do nasty things.

Then somebody makes scrambled eggs
and salami. Easy-peasy.

Perhaps what Leonard
is obliquely referring to...

...is the occurrence
of sexual dysfunction.

Okay, who had
Leonard gets a floppy disk?

Oh. A clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism
for insufficient blood flow...

...to the male sex organ.

Nothing like that happened, all right?
The sex was just fine.

Just fine?

Oh, dude, the fourth Harry Pottermovie
was just fine.

I'm not saying it was bad.
I'm just saying it wasn't great.

Okay, you mean for both of you?

Because we can totally see it
not being great for her. Am I right?

To tell you the truth, I think
we were both a little... I don't know...

- Disappointed? Let down?
- Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed?

All I know is
it wasn't the way I dreamed it would be.

Sex is never the way
I dream it's gonna be.

That's because in your dreams,
you're a horse from the waist down.

Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin
Miniseries Issue 2, page 22.

Retractable bone claws.

If you spent less time thinking about sex
and more time on comic books...

...we'd have far fewer
of these embarrassing moments.

Sheldon, dinner's here.

Tandoori Palace?

No, we went somewhere new.

You're good-naturedly ribbing me,
aren't you?

No, look, Mumbai Palace.

Why? Why would we change?

We had a perfectly good palace.
Tandoori Palace is our palace.

Trust me, this will be just fine.

You are the authority on just fine.

What's that supposed to mean?

Exactly. Not bad, but not great.

- What are they talking about?
- I don't know.

- I know. As I'm sure you're aware...
- Dut! Dut-dut-dut-dut!

If that's Morse code, that's terrible.

As I was saying, you and Leonard
had a disappointing sexual encounter.

Earlier this evening,
Leonard characterized it as, "Just fine."

So, what you're seeing is a continuation
of the mocking that followed.

Okay. Yeah, well, I'm just gonna go eat
my dinner elsewhere.

Maybe an airplane headed
for a mountainside.

Penny, wait. Aah.

What is wrong with you?

I sense I may have crossed
some sort of line.

- Yeah, you...
- Don't tell him.

Let's see if he can figure it out.

- Ugh. I am so embarrassed.
- Please don't be mad.

- What did you tell them?
- Nothing bad.

Just that last night was fine.

Fine? You said it was fine?

Yeah. It's a perfectly good word.

You put it in front of "wine" or "dining"
and you've really got something.

Okay, well, let me ask you this,
how was last night for you?

It was...

...okay.

Okay?

Yeah, it's a perfectly good word.

I mean, you put it in front of "dokay"
and you really got something.

All right, let's not overreact.

It takes time
to get to know each other's rhythms.

Learn what the other person wants
and likes.

- So you've been through this before?
- No.

Okay-dokay.

This is one of those things where talking
about it is not gonna make it better.

- Want a glass of wine? Okay.
- So much.

See, we should've done this last night,
you know?

Had a little wine, take the edge off.

Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits
electrical conduction in the nerve cells...

...and stimulates reuptake receptors
of inhibitory neurotransmitters...

...like gamma-aminobutyric acid.

Don't talk. Just drink.

No, you're misunderstanding.

A shiksa goddess
isn't an actual goddess.

We don't pray to them.
We prey on them.

Whatever, dude. The point is
Leonard's got one and you don't.

Is this it?

It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard
and Penny's sex life...

...in front of Leonard and Penny.

Good.

Now I can eat.

- What's that?
- Sounds like a cricket.

Hang on.

Based on the number of chirps
per minute and the temperature...

...it is a snowy tree cricket.

Oh. Give me a fricking break.
How could you possibly know that?

In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined
there was a fixed relationship...

...between the number of chirps per
minute and the ambient temperature.

A precise relationship that is not present
with ordinary field crickets.

How do you know the temperature
of this room?

Under the terms of my roommate
agreement I've had control...

...of the thermostat
ever since the sweaty night of '06.

Okay, you were right about Wolverine
and bone claws...

...but you're wrong about the cricket.

Howard, don't embarrass yourself.
The science chirps for itself.

Humorous word play.

No, no. Not this time.
I know insects, my friend.

I spent many childhood years capturing
them with nets, putting them in jars...

...sticking pins through them, mounting
them on cardboard with labels...

...identifying the genus and species.

In Latin.

Oh. Dude, you are never getting
a shiksa goddess.

That is a snowy tree cricket.
Oecanthus fultoni.

I was done with Latin by fifth grade.

Okay. Tell you what.

I am willing to bet anything
that's an ordinary field cricket.

- I can't take your money.
- What's the matter, you chicken?

I've always found that
an inappropriate slur.

Chickens are not at all timid.

In fact, when I was young,
my neighbor's chicken got loose...

...and chased me up the big elm tree
in front of our house.

- Chickens can't climb trees.
- Thank God.

Okay, I believe a chicken made you
his bitch.

The cricket thing, I don't buy. Bet me.

Fair enough.

What stakes do you propose?

I will put up
my Fantastic Four Number 48...

...first appearance of Silver Surfer...

...against your Flash 123,
the classic "Flash of Two Worlds" issue.

All right, you have a wager.

Hmm.

Great.
Now, how are you gonna settle it? Hmm?

There is no way to determine the species
of the cricket without examining it.

I wonder what the non-pathetic people
are doing tonight.

- More wine?
- Hit me.

- I don't see anything.
- Shh.

Hallway.

Ahh.

One at a time.

What was that?

My stomach.

Indian food doesn't agree with me.

Ironic, isn't it?

Elevator shaft.

Help me open it.

Are you crazy? We can't go down
an empty elevator shaft.

If you don't wanna proceed,
then you forfeit the bet...

...and I'll take possession
of your Fantastic Four.

Let's open her up.

Are you bothered
that I can so easily manipulate you?

Don't push me, Sheldon.

I may be small,
but I took kung fu when I was 13...

...and I remember a good deal of it.

Oh, really?

I grew up with an older brother
and a very contentious twin sister.

And I could easily best you
in any physical confrontation.

Be it noogies, swirlies or the classic,
"Why are you hitting yourself?"

Ooh. Big talk from a man who was once
treed by a chicken.

- Ahem.
- What are we drinking now?

Peppermint schnapps.

Why would you
buy peppermint schnapps?

Because I like peppermint
and it's fun to say "schnapps."

- Hey, Leonard?
- What?

Schnapps.

Schnapps.

You're right, that is fun.

Be careful.

If I were not being careful...

...your telling me to be careful
would not make me careful.

Stairwell.

Uh-oh. Flashlight went out.
I need some batteries.

Fellas?

Hello?

It's really dark down here.

Oh, sweetie, you really can't hold
your liquor, can you?

I'm okay.

Just a little mouthwash
and then I'm gonna rock your world.

Are you okay?

Oh. Toby, what did you do in a past life
to be so disgusting now?

His name isn't Toby.

Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.

- What would you name him?
- An appropriate cricket name.

For example, Jiminy.

All right, Sheldon, here we go.

Kleingast's Field Guide
to North American Insects.

Hey, Toby.

Right here.

See it? "The common field cricket,
a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis"...

...which is Latin for "suck it, you lose."

Hang on.

Voil�. "The snowy tree cricket,
a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni"...

...which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing."

Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin
for that is "nihil exsorbibo."

That is not Toby, this is Toby.

Raj, what do you think?

Oh. I really don't care anymore.

- God, I had the most horrible night.
- What happened?

Obviously another carnal fiasco
with the "shiksi" goddess.

Shiksa. Shiksa.

Forgive me.
Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas.

And if it was,
it wasn't spoken for long.

Yeah, fine, whatever.
The point is you're wrong, again.

We haven't established
that I'm wrong once.

Let's go down
to the Entomology Department...

...and let Professor Crawley tell us
what kind of cricket Toby is.

He's a snowy tree cricket.
And his name is Jiminy.

I bet I could throw a rock in this room
and come up with three better friends.

Holy crap.

It's like Silence of the Lambs
down here.

Don't do that.

Don't be such a girl. They're just bugs.

I don't like bugs, okay?
They freak me out.

Interesting.

You're afraid of insects and women.

Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

It was a joke.

I made it to lessen your discomfort.

You're welcome.

Ha-ha. Don't knock. Just walk in.

Why be polite to the world's leading
expert on the dung beetle?

Excuse me,
are you Professor Crawley?

Who wants to know?

I'm Dr. Cooper,
from the Physics Department.

- Couldn't wait, huh?
- I'm sorry?

I haven't even packed yet
and you're already measuring my lab...

...for one
of your godless laser machines.

No, you don't understand.
We just wanna ask you a question.

Let me ask you one first.

What's a world-renowned entomologist
with a doctorate...

...and 20 years of experience,
to do with his life...

...when the university cuts off
the funding for his lab, huh?

Ask rhetorical questions
that make people uncomfortable?

What's your deal?

Are they planning to outsource my job
to Bangalore?

I'm from New Delhi.

- We should find another entomologist.
- We're here. Let's settle this.

Professor,
can you identify our cricket?

Of course I can.

I can identify every insect
and arachnid on the planet.

Not that that's gonna keep me from
having to move in with my daughter...

...in Oxnard. And we're not talking
Oxnard at the beach. No.

We're talking Oxnard
in the onion fields.

- Well, could you look at Toby?
- Toby?

What a stupid name for a cricket.

Told you.

It's a field cricket.

- Yes.
- No, wait.

Dr. Crawley, are you sure?

Young man, I've been studying insects
since I was 8 years old.

You know what they used to call me
in school?

Creepy Crawley.

Cruel as that may be,
that is not in itself a credential.

Let me show you something.

See that?
That's a Crawley's dung beetle.

I discovered it after spending
six months...

...slogging through
the Bornean rain forests...

...while my wife was back home...

...shacking up
with a two-bit ornithologist...

...who lives on a sailboat
and likes to wear boot-cut jeans.

So when I tell you
that that's a common field cricket...

...you can take that
to the damn bank.

Because God knows I can't.

That tramp took me for everything.

Well, apparently I was wrong.

Congratulations.

Enjoy Oxnard.

I'm sure your daughter's looking forward
to having you.

Oh, hey, Sheldon.
What you got there? New comic book?

Old comic book.

I just retrieved it
from my safe-deposit box.

What do you have
a safe-deposit box for?

Old comic books.

I lost this to Wolowitz
in an ill-considered cricket wager.

What, do they have Wii cricket now?

That can't be very popular.

Penny, I'd rather not talk about it.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I'm not feeling so hot either.

Why would that make me feel better?

I don't know, empathy?

I'm just saying that you're feeling upset
about something with Howard...

...and I'm upset about something
with Leonard.

Yes, the disappointing sex.

That's an inexact parallel.

You and Leonard can always return
to being friends.

I can never return to a state
in which Wolowitz has not bested me...

...like Mrs. Riley's chicken.

What's Mrs. Riley's chicken?

A chicken that was owned
by Mrs. Riley.

- Okay, forget the chicken.
- I wish I could.

No, no.
You may be right about me and Leonard.

Well, of course I'm right. What are the
odds I'd be wrong twice in one week?

No, I mean,
we can always go back to being friends.

I just said that... This conversation
has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.

- Hello.
- Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, you'd like to catch up
on the events of the day. All right.

Well, there was a half-hour wait at the
bank to get into my safe-deposit box.

I was forced to talk to Penny
about your sexual problems.

And, oh, yes, in a moment filled
with biblical resonance...

...pride wenteth before my fall...

...causing my Flash 123
to goeth to Wolowitz.

Wait a minute.
You talked to Penny about our sex life?

Leonard, it astonishes me
how you continually fixate on the trivial.

I lost a bet to Wolowitz.

- You're saying you talked to Penny?
- Yes.

- Interesting.
- Hardly.

Excuse me.

Have I crossed
some sort of line again?

Little bit.

Hmm.

Oh. Who cares?

- Oh, hey.
- Hey, what did Sheldon say to you?

Not a lot. That we always have the
option of going back to being friends.

- Is that what you want?
- I don't know.

I mean, you have to admit...

...things seemed simpler
when we were just friends.

I guess.

- It would take the pressure off.
- It would, wouldn't it?

So we'll just be friends.

Good. Good.

Come here.

Okay-dokay.