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1
00:00:02,023 --> 00:00:04,806
Does it seem to you
that the ventriloquist dummy...
2
00:00:06,343 --> 00:00:09,725
...has a very active sexual,
social life?
3
00:00:10,151 --> 00:00:13,467
He's always talking about dates
and women that he knows...
4
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,843
...and bringing them back
to the suitcase at night.
5
00:00:16,007 --> 00:00:19,355
There's always a sawdust joke
in there somewhere, you know.
6
00:00:19,590 --> 00:00:22,078
He says kinky things,
because he's made out of wood...
7
00:00:22,246 --> 00:00:23,740
...and he can spin his head around.
8
00:00:24,134 --> 00:00:26,884
We're somehow expected to believe...
9
00:00:27,270 --> 00:00:29,823
...because the face is so animated...
10
00:00:29,990 --> 00:00:32,892
...they think we're not noticing
the feet are just swinging there.
11
00:00:33,062 --> 00:00:35,134
Dummy feet never look
really right, do they?
12
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,847
They're just kind of dangling there.
Always kind of askew, you know.
13
00:00:39,014 --> 00:00:40,356
You always see a little ankle.
14
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:43,420
Those little thin, fabric ankles
that they have, you know.
15
00:00:43,589 --> 00:00:46,306
You think,
''I don't think this thing is real.''
16
00:00:49,509 --> 00:00:51,451
Are you kidding me?
17
00:00:51,621 --> 00:00:53,760
Let me speak with the head librarian.
It's absurd.
18
00:00:56,293 --> 00:01:00,003
An overdue book from 1 9 7 1 ?
19
00:01:00,165 --> 00:01:03,012
This is a joke, right? What are you,
from a radio station?
20
00:01:03,172 --> 00:01:06,750
Okay, you got me. I fell for it.
21
00:01:07,172 --> 00:01:08,546
All right. Okay.
22
00:01:08,709 --> 00:01:10,978
I can be down there
in, like, a half-hour.
23
00:01:11,141 --> 00:01:12,351
Bye.
24
00:01:12,836 --> 00:01:15,105
-What's the problem?
-This, you're not gonna believe.
25
00:01:15,268 --> 00:01:17,690
The New York Public Library...
26
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:22,333
...says that I took out
Tropic of Cancer in 1 9 7 1 ...
27
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,060
...and never returned it.
28
00:01:24,228 --> 00:01:26,781
Do you know how much
that comes to?
29
00:01:27,012 --> 00:01:29,346
That's a nickel a day for 20 years.
30
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,776
-It's gonna be $50,000.
-It doesn't work like that.
31
00:01:31,939 --> 00:01:33,881
lf it's a dime a day,
it could be 1 00,000.
32
00:01:34,051 --> 00:01:35,611
It's not gonna be anything.
33
00:01:35,779 --> 00:01:38,146
I returned the book.
I remember it very vividly...
34
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,096
...because I was with Sherry Becker.
35
00:01:40,259 --> 00:01:43,641
She wore this orange dress. It's the
first time I saw her in a dress like that.
36
00:01:43,811 --> 00:01:46,975
I'd known her since ninth grade. She
was developing this body in secret...
37
00:01:47,139 --> 00:01:49,408
...under these loose clothes
for, like, two years.
38
00:01:49,571 --> 00:01:51,032
And then one day...
39
00:01:51,907 --> 00:01:54,012
...this orange dress.
40
00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:58,816
-It's burned in my memory.
-Oh, memory burn, huh?
41
00:01:58,978 --> 00:02:01,531
-I wonder whatever happened to her.
-How did they find you?
42
00:02:01,890 --> 00:02:05,403
Oh, computers. They're cracking down
now on overdue books.
43
00:02:05,570 --> 00:02:08,439
The whole thing's
completely ridiculous.
44
00:02:08,898 --> 00:02:12,411
It's George. Wait till he finds out we're
going to the library. He'll be thrilled.
45
00:02:12,578 --> 00:02:15,960
-You know, I never got a library card.
-I'm coming down.
46
00:02:16,129 --> 00:02:18,333
It's all a bunch of cheapskates
in there anyway.
47
00:02:18,498 --> 00:02:20,407
People sitting around
reading the newspaper...
48
00:02:20,577 --> 00:02:23,097
...attached to those huge
wooden sticks...
49
00:02:23,265 --> 00:02:25,337
...trying to save a quarter.
50
00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:28,095
Look, I gotta go to the library.
You wanna go?
51
00:02:28,257 --> 00:02:30,493
Yeah, yeah. Let's go.
52
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:42,775
The Dewey Decimal System.
What a scam that was.
53
00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:47,167
Boy, this Dewey guy
really cleaned up on that deal.
54
00:02:47,328 --> 00:02:49,303
Where's George?
55
00:02:49,728 --> 00:02:52,477
Look. Trying to save a quarter.
56
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:56,153
I kind of like those sticks.
I'd like to get them in my house.
57
00:03:01,792 --> 00:03:04,181
This woman's completely
ignoring me.
58
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,726
Look at her.
59
00:03:05,888 --> 00:03:09,565
This is a lonely woman
looking for companionship.
60
00:03:10,432 --> 00:03:12,373
A spinster.
61
00:03:12,799 --> 00:03:14,839
Maybe a virgin.
62
00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:20,219
Maybe she got hurt a long time ago.
She's a schoolgirl...
63
00:03:20,383 --> 00:03:22,522
...there was a boy. It didn't work out.
64
00:03:22,687 --> 00:03:27,542
So now she needs a little tenderness.
She needs a little understanding.
65
00:03:27,711 --> 00:03:29,947
Needs a little Kramer, huh?
66
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:35,451
Then she'll need
a little shot of penicillin.
67
00:03:37,214 --> 00:03:39,003
-Yes?
-Yeah, I called before.
68
00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:41,305
I got this notice in the mail.
69
00:03:43,070 --> 00:03:46,932
Tropic of Cancer. Henry Miller.
70
00:03:48,766 --> 00:03:51,962
This case has been turned over to our
investigations officer, Mr. Bookman.
71
00:03:52,125 --> 00:03:53,303
Bookman?
72
00:03:53,470 --> 00:03:56,731
The library investigator's name is
actually Bookman?
73
00:03:56,893 --> 00:03:58,170
-Come on.
-It's true.
74
00:03:58,334 --> 00:03:59,544
That's amazing.
75
00:03:59,709 --> 00:04:02,643
That's like an ice-cream man
named Cone.
76
00:04:02,813 --> 00:04:05,180
Well, Lieutenant Bookman's
been working here 25 years...
77
00:04:05,341 --> 00:04:06,683
...so he's heard all the jokes.
78
00:04:06,973 --> 00:04:09,493
-Can I speak with this Bookman?
-Just a second.
79
00:04:12,989 --> 00:04:15,128
Jerry.
80
00:04:15,453 --> 00:04:16,663
What?
81
00:04:17,436 --> 00:04:18,810
I think I saw him.
82
00:04:18,972 --> 00:04:20,914
-I think it's him.
-Who?
83
00:04:21,084 --> 00:04:23,320
Did you see the homeless guy
on the library steps...
84
00:04:23,484 --> 00:04:25,655
...screaming obscenities
and doing calisthenics?
85
00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:28,984
-Yeah.
-I think that's Mr. Heyman.
86
00:04:29,372 --> 00:04:30,964
The gym teacher from our high school.
87
00:04:33,915 --> 00:04:36,501
-Heyman? Are you sure?
-He's older...
88
00:04:36,668 --> 00:04:41,207
...completely covered in filth,
no whistle. But I think it's him.
89
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,914
George got him fired.
He squealed on him.
90
00:04:45,083 --> 00:04:47,254
-Oh, tattletale.
-I didn't tattle.
91
00:04:49,691 --> 00:04:51,447
Well, what did this guy do?
What happened?
92
00:04:51,611 --> 00:04:53,683
There was an incident.
I'd rather not discuss it.
93
00:04:53,851 --> 00:04:55,923
-Oh, come on. You can tell me.
-Some other time.
94
00:04:56,090 --> 00:04:57,912
What, tonight?
95
00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:02,799
-I never figured you for a squealer.
-He sang like a canary.
96
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,628
-Mr. Bookman's not here.
-Not here?
97
00:05:04,794 --> 00:05:07,925
-Why was I told to come down here?
-He'll be out all afternoon on a case.
98
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:11,124
He's out on a case?
He actually goes out on cases?
99
00:05:12,058 --> 00:05:13,367
What am I supposed to do now?
100
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,417
I'll have Mr. Bookman
get in touch with you.
101
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,908
All right. Thanks.
102
00:05:18,073 --> 00:05:20,212
-Come on, let's go.
-Let's go see if it's Heyman.
103
00:05:20,378 --> 00:05:24,371
-It's not him.
-Hey, I'll see you boys later, huh?
104
00:05:28,633 --> 00:05:32,910
So, what's a guy gotta do around here
to get a library card?
105
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,131
-Where's Karen?
-She went to pick up lunch.
106
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,658
Well...
107
00:05:49,496 --> 00:05:51,798
...she didn't ask me what I wanted.
108
00:05:51,961 --> 00:05:54,164
She must've forgot.
109
00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:57,104
How could she forget?
I've been ordering lunch...
110
00:05:57,272 --> 00:05:58,995
...every day for three-and-a-half years.
111
00:05:59,864 --> 00:06:01,652
Is there something
you're not telling me...
112
00:06:01,816 --> 00:06:03,955
...because I'm getting, like,
a really weird vibe.
113
00:06:05,176 --> 00:06:07,215
Is Lippman getting rid of me?
You can tell me.
114
00:06:07,383 --> 00:06:09,969
-I won't say anything.
-I don't know anything.
115
00:06:11,256 --> 00:06:13,427
You don't know. You see,
''I don't know anything''...
116
00:06:13,591 --> 00:06:16,493
...means there's something to know.
lf you really didn't, you'd say:
117
00:06:16,664 --> 00:06:18,256
''You're crazy.''
118
00:06:18,423 --> 00:06:21,293
-Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman.
-Elaine.
119
00:06:22,775 --> 00:06:24,815
I was wondering
if you got a chance...
120
00:06:24,983 --> 00:06:27,950
...to look at that biography
of Columbus I gave you.
121
00:06:28,119 --> 00:06:29,907
Yes, I did.
122
00:06:31,095 --> 00:06:32,949
Yes, I did.
123
00:06:34,166 --> 00:06:38,257
-Marie, this water is still too cold.
-Oh, yeah. It's freezing.
124
00:06:40,278 --> 00:06:42,417
Hurts your teeth.
125
00:06:47,286 --> 00:06:49,458
I'm telling you,
something is going on.
126
00:06:49,622 --> 00:06:53,102
He never likes anything I recommend,
and then that lunch thing.
127
00:06:53,270 --> 00:06:55,309
So they forgot to get your lunch.
Big deal.
128
00:06:55,477 --> 00:06:58,160
What do you know?
You've never worked in an office.
129
00:06:58,325 --> 00:07:00,692
See, you've worked in an office,
George. You understand.
130
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:04,082
Jerry thinks I'm overreacting,
but you understand lunch.
131
00:07:04,469 --> 00:07:06,890
I don't understand lunch.
I don't know anything about it.
132
00:07:07,253 --> 00:07:10,798
Just because I got the guy fired doesn't
mean I turned him into a bum, does it?
133
00:07:10,965 --> 00:07:12,459
-What did he do?
-He purposely...
134
00:07:12,629 --> 00:07:14,385
...mispronounced my name.
135
00:07:14,549 --> 00:07:16,337
Instead of saying Costanza...
136
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:20,723
...he'd say, ''Can't stand you.
Can't stand you.''
137
00:07:21,269 --> 00:07:24,138
Remember, he made me smell
my own gym socks once?
138
00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:28,051
I remember he made you wear a jock
on your head for a whole class.
139
00:07:28,436 --> 00:07:31,665
-And the straps were hanging down....
-Okay, okay.
140
00:07:31,828 --> 00:07:33,235
You never even had him for gym.
141
00:07:33,396 --> 00:07:35,763
I had him for hygiene.
Remember his teeth?
142
00:07:35,924 --> 00:07:38,029
It was like from an exhumed corpse.
143
00:07:38,388 --> 00:07:40,908
Little baked beans.
144
00:07:42,356 --> 00:07:45,203
Come on, tell me what happened.
145
00:07:45,875 --> 00:07:47,599
Well, okay.
146
00:07:47,764 --> 00:07:50,251
As I said, the guy had it in for me.
147
00:07:50,419 --> 00:07:53,965
He actually failed me in gym. Me.
148
00:07:54,483 --> 00:07:57,385
And those spastic Schnitzer twins.
149
00:07:57,651 --> 00:07:59,887
-Can't stand you!
-Yes, Mr. Heyman?
150
00:08:00,050 --> 00:08:03,050
Your underwear was sticking out
of your shorts during gym class.
151
00:08:03,219 --> 00:08:05,194
Well, that's because
I wear boxer shorts.
152
00:08:05,362 --> 00:08:06,988
Boxer shorts, huh?
153
00:08:07,155 --> 00:08:09,195
-What brand?
-I'm not really sure. l--
154
00:08:09,362 --> 00:08:11,664
Yeah, well, let's take a look!
155
00:08:12,819 --> 00:08:14,313
He gave me a wedgie.
156
00:08:14,482 --> 00:08:16,587
And he got fired the next day.
157
00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,343
Why do they call it a ''wedgie''?
158
00:08:18,514 --> 00:08:22,060
Because the underwear is pulled up
from the back until it...
159
00:08:22,225 --> 00:08:24,048
...wedges in.
160
00:08:24,818 --> 00:08:27,468
They also have an atomic wedgie.
161
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:30,862
Now, the goal there is to actually
get the waistband...
162
00:08:31,025 --> 00:08:33,065
...on top of the head.
163
00:08:33,265 --> 00:08:35,240
It's very rare.
164
00:08:36,370 --> 00:08:38,857
-Boys are sick.
-Well, what do girls do?
165
00:08:39,025 --> 00:08:42,702
We just tease someone till they
develop an eating disorder.
166
00:08:44,017 --> 00:08:46,122
I gotta go back to the library
and talk to him.
167
00:08:46,289 --> 00:08:49,136
I gotta find out if I'm the guy
that ruined his life.
168
00:08:49,297 --> 00:08:51,119
Hey, babaloo, you better get home.
169
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,964
This guy Bookman from the library,
he's waiting for you.
170
00:08:54,928 --> 00:08:56,422
What's amazing about the library...
171
00:08:56,592 --> 00:08:58,414
...is here's a place
where you can go in...
172
00:08:58,576 --> 00:09:01,097
...take out any book you want.
They just give it to you...
173
00:09:01,264 --> 00:09:03,719
...and say, ''Bring it back
when you're done.''
174
00:09:03,888 --> 00:09:06,506
Reminds you of that pathetic friend
everybody had as a kid...
175
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:10,218
...that would let you borrow any of his
stuff if you would just be his friend.
176
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:14,180
That's what the library is. It's
a government-funded pathetic friend.
177
00:09:14,352 --> 00:09:16,239
That's why everybody
bullies the library.
178
00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:18,636
I'll bring it back on time,
I'll bring it back late.
179
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,167
''What are you gonna do,
charge me a nickel?''
180
00:09:23,056 --> 00:09:25,260
I'm glad you're here so we can
straighten this out.
181
00:09:25,424 --> 00:09:26,765
-Cup of tea?
-Got any coffee?
182
00:09:26,927 --> 00:09:28,007
-Coffee?
-Yeah, coffee.
183
00:09:28,175 --> 00:09:30,030
-No, I don't drink coffee.
-You don't?
184
00:09:30,191 --> 00:09:31,914
-How about instant coffee?
-No, I don't--
185
00:09:32,079 --> 00:09:33,868
-No instant coffee?
-Well, I don't--
186
00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,038
-Who doesn't have instant coffee?
-I don't.
187
00:09:36,207 --> 00:09:39,435
Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in
the cupboard, you forget about it.
188
00:09:39,599 --> 00:09:41,573
When you need it, it's there.
It lasts forever.
189
00:09:41,743 --> 00:09:44,198
It's freeze-dried.
Freeze-dried crystals.
190
00:09:45,774 --> 00:09:47,433
Really? I'll have to remember that.
191
00:09:47,759 --> 00:09:51,075
-You took this book out in 1 9 7 1 .
-Yes, and I returned it in 1 9 7 1 .
192
00:09:51,247 --> 00:09:53,635
Yeah, '7 1 , that was my first year
on the job.
193
00:09:53,806 --> 00:09:56,424
Bad year for libraries.
Bad year for America.
194
00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:58,892
Hippies burning library cards.
195
00:09:59,054 --> 00:10:01,607
Abbie Hoffman telling everybody
to steal books.
196
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,235
I don't judge a man by hair length
or musical taste.
197
00:10:04,397 --> 00:10:05,608
Rock was never my bag.
198
00:10:05,934 --> 00:10:09,000
But you put on a pair of shoes
in the New York Public Library, fella.
199
00:10:09,165 --> 00:10:11,337
Look, Mr. Bookman...
200
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,720
...I returned that book.
I remember it very specifically.
201
00:10:15,885 --> 00:10:17,827
You're a comedian.
You make people laugh.
202
00:10:17,997 --> 00:10:20,517
-I try.
-You think this is all a big joke?
203
00:10:22,349 --> 00:10:23,723
No, I don't.
204
00:10:23,885 --> 00:10:26,503
I saw you on TV once.
I remembered your name from my list.
205
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,035
I looked it up.
Sure enough, it checked out.
206
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:32,196
You think because you're a celebrity,
somehow the law doesn't apply?
207
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,121
-You're above the law?
-Certainly not.
208
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:36,740
Well, let me tell you something,
funny boy.
209
00:10:37,132 --> 00:10:40,198
You know that little stamp, the one
that says ''New York Public Library''?
210
00:10:40,364 --> 00:10:41,825
That may not mean anything to you.
211
00:10:41,996 --> 00:10:44,385
But that means a lot to me.
One whole hell of a lot.
212
00:10:44,555 --> 00:10:47,654
Sure, go ahead. Laugh if you want to.
I've seen your type before.
213
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:51,464
Flashy, making a scene,
flaunting convention.
214
00:10:51,627 --> 00:10:53,121
Yeah, I know what you're thinking:
215
00:10:53,292 --> 00:10:55,910
''Why's this guy making such a stink
about old library books?''
216
00:10:56,491 --> 00:10:58,979
Well, let me give you a hint, junior.
217
00:10:59,467 --> 00:11:02,533
Maybe we can live without libraries,
people like you and me. Maybe.
218
00:11:02,699 --> 00:11:04,739
Sure, we're too old
to change the world.
219
00:11:04,907 --> 00:11:07,777
But what about that kid sitting down
opening a book right now...
220
00:11:07,946 --> 00:11:09,834
...in a branch at the local library...
221
00:11:09,995 --> 00:11:13,377
...and finding drawings
of pee-pees and wee-wees...
222
00:11:15,147 --> 00:11:18,758
...in The Cat in the Hat
and The Five Chinese Brothers?
223
00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:20,132
Doesn't he deserve better?
224
00:11:20,298 --> 00:11:23,429
Look, if you think this is about
overdue fines and missing books...
225
00:11:23,594 --> 00:11:26,147
...you better think again.
This is about that kid's right...
226
00:11:26,314 --> 00:11:28,583
...to read a book without
getting his mind warped.
227
00:11:28,746 --> 00:11:30,753
Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld.
228
00:11:30,922 --> 00:11:34,697
Maybe that's how you get your kicks,
you and your good-time buddies.
229
00:11:34,858 --> 00:11:37,705
Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy:
230
00:11:40,937 --> 00:11:42,147
Party time is over.
231
00:11:43,210 --> 00:11:45,893
You got seven days, Seinfeld.
232
00:11:46,505 --> 00:11:48,643
That is one week.
233
00:11:53,449 --> 00:11:56,765
-What's wrong?
-It's Bookman, the library cop.
234
00:11:57,193 --> 00:11:59,942
-So? I didn't do anything wrong.
-I'm supposed to be at work.
235
00:12:00,104 --> 00:12:03,400
I could get fired.
I never should've come here.
236
00:12:04,744 --> 00:12:07,046
Why don't you leave?
237
00:12:10,248 --> 00:12:12,637
I can't.
238
00:12:14,088 --> 00:12:18,790
There's no way I'm paying that!
I returned that book in 1 9 7 1 !
239
00:12:18,952 --> 00:12:21,319
I have a witness. Sherry Becker.
240
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,868
She wore an orange dress.
241
00:12:24,039 --> 00:12:25,665
She gave me a piece
of Black Jack gum.
242
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:29,093
I said, ''Licorice gum.
What will they think of next?''
243
00:12:29,255 --> 00:12:30,881
I remember it!
244
00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:38,239
Becker, Becker....
245
00:12:49,926 --> 00:12:51,552
Kevin went to a public school.
246
00:12:51,719 --> 00:12:53,180
He's the 1 4 year old.
247
00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:56,285
We were gonna send Marsha
to a private school...
248
00:12:56,678 --> 00:12:59,263
...because in some ways, they don't...
249
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:02,147
...learn enough, I think.
250
00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:05,855
So, Sherry, what do you remember
about that day at the library?
251
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:09,503
I remember it like it was yesterday.
252
00:13:09,669 --> 00:13:11,611
It was a Friday afternoon.
253
00:13:11,781 --> 00:13:15,010
-I wore a purple dress.
-Purple?
254
00:13:15,173 --> 00:13:17,693
-You sure it wasn't orange?
-Positive.
255
00:13:17,861 --> 00:13:20,578
And I was chewing Dentyne.
256
00:13:20,741 --> 00:13:23,774
I always chewed Dentyne.
257
00:13:23,941 --> 00:13:26,811
Remember, Jerry? Dentyne?
258
00:13:28,452 --> 00:13:32,249
-No Black Jack?
-Licorice gum? Never.
259
00:13:32,421 --> 00:13:34,144
What else?
260
00:13:34,468 --> 00:13:35,678
We were...
261
00:13:35,844 --> 00:13:39,935
...reading passages to each other
from that Henry Miller book you had.
262
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:42,621
-Tropic of Cancer.
-No.
263
00:13:42,788 --> 00:13:44,414
Tropic of Capricorn.
264
00:13:44,932 --> 00:13:48,958
-Tropic of Capricorn?
-Remember?
265
00:13:49,284 --> 00:13:51,585
''What holds the world together...
266
00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:55,839
...as I have learned from
bitter experience...
267
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:59,069
...is sexual intercourse.''
268
00:14:02,563 --> 00:14:05,825
Wait a second, wait a second.
You're right. I had both of them.
269
00:14:05,988 --> 00:14:07,548
We read from Tropic of Capricorn.
270
00:14:07,715 --> 00:14:11,577
I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer.
And then....
271
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,432
-George, here's the book.
-Oh, man.
272
00:14:14,595 --> 00:14:17,050
Don't let anybody see it.
Don't let anything happen to it.
273
00:14:17,218 --> 00:14:19,804
Jerry, it's me, George. Don't worry.
I'll return it tomorrow.
274
00:14:19,971 --> 00:14:23,287
All right. I'll see you after school.
I'm late for Heyman's hygiene.
275
00:14:25,218 --> 00:14:27,869
-Where are you going?
-It was nice seeing you again.
276
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,943
I just remembered something.
I've gotta go.
277
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:33,473
It was George!
278
00:14:35,426 --> 00:14:37,248
Read another poem.
279
00:14:37,538 --> 00:14:41,400
Pressed chest
Fleshed out west
280
00:14:41,569 --> 00:14:43,544
Might be the savior
281
00:14:43,714 --> 00:14:45,339
Or a garden pest
282
00:14:46,562 --> 00:14:50,107
That is great poetry.
You should be published.
283
00:14:50,273 --> 00:14:52,161
It's great.
284
00:14:54,529 --> 00:14:57,050
Well, the library's kind of a cool place
when it's closed.
285
00:14:57,217 --> 00:14:59,606
Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet.
286
00:14:59,777 --> 00:15:01,271
Listen to the echo.
287
00:15:01,441 --> 00:15:03,197
-Hello!
-Hello!
288
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,630
-Hello!
-Hello!
289
00:15:05,793 --> 00:15:07,287
-Hello!
-Hello.
290
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:11,930
Mr. Bookman.
291
00:15:12,096 --> 00:15:15,412
I remember when the librarian was
a much older woman.
292
00:15:15,584 --> 00:15:18,137
Kindly, discreet, unattractive.
293
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,726
We didn't know anything
about her private life.
294
00:15:20,896 --> 00:15:22,968
We didn't wanna know
about her private life.
295
00:15:23,136 --> 00:15:25,525
She didn't have a private life.
296
00:15:25,696 --> 00:15:27,605
When you think about that,
think about this:
297
00:15:27,776 --> 00:15:30,296
The library closes at 5:00,
no exceptions.
298
00:15:30,464 --> 00:15:32,155
This is your final warning.
299
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,621
Got that, kewpie doll?
300
00:15:38,559 --> 00:15:41,144
Lippman wants to see me
in his office.
301
00:15:41,311 --> 00:15:45,053
-See me. That can't be good.
-Maybe you're getting a raise.
302
00:15:45,215 --> 00:15:47,582
Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.
303
00:15:50,975 --> 00:15:52,917
-What?
-It's George.
304
00:15:53,087 --> 00:15:57,145
-George is on his way up.
-Wait till I tell him about the book.
305
00:15:58,559 --> 00:16:00,347
Are you okay?
306
00:16:00,510 --> 00:16:05,660
-What?
-It's-- It's Marion's poetry.
307
00:16:05,822 --> 00:16:09,368
-I can't take it!
-Oh, Kramer.
308
00:16:13,502 --> 00:16:16,087
Remember that biography
I recommended?
309
00:16:16,253 --> 00:16:18,642
-My boss hated it!
-I'm right here.
310
00:16:18,814 --> 00:16:20,723
Oh, sorry.
311
00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:25,811
-Remember that Columbus book?
-Columbus. Eurotrash.
312
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:39,898
Well, it's definitely him.
313
00:16:42,045 --> 00:16:45,361
-Him? Him who?
-Him who?
314
00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:47,256
Heyman him.
315
00:16:47,420 --> 00:16:49,208
Heyman, the gym teacher?
316
00:16:49,372 --> 00:16:52,187
-You found him?
-Oh, I found him.
317
00:16:52,348 --> 00:16:54,453
He was sitting on the steps
of the library.
318
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:55,929
I sat down next to him.
319
00:16:56,668 --> 00:16:59,569
He smelled like the locker room
after that game against Erasmus.
320
00:16:59,740 --> 00:17:01,627
That was double overtime.
321
00:17:01,884 --> 00:17:03,542
I said, ''Mr. Heyman...
322
00:17:03,708 --> 00:17:06,228
...it's me, George Costanza.
323
00:17:06,396 --> 00:17:08,817
JFK, '7 1 .''
324
00:17:08,988 --> 00:17:10,875
He doesn't move.
325
00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:12,725
So I said:
326
00:17:12,891 --> 00:17:16,884
''Can't stand you. Can't stand you.''
327
00:17:17,243 --> 00:17:19,828
He turns and smiles.
328
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:22,613
The little baked-bean teeth.
329
00:17:23,131 --> 00:17:25,171
I get up to run away...
330
00:17:25,339 --> 00:17:28,655
...but something was holding me back.
331
00:17:29,499 --> 00:17:31,408
It was Heyman.
332
00:17:33,179 --> 00:17:34,935
He had my underwear.
333
00:17:37,658 --> 00:17:42,447
Here I was on the steps
of the 42nd Street library...
334
00:17:42,618 --> 00:17:44,822
...a grown man...
335
00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:47,352
...getting a wedgie.
336
00:17:49,658 --> 00:17:51,065
At least it wasn't atomic.
337
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,023
It was.
338
00:17:58,841 --> 00:18:02,965
So, Georgie boy, guess what
happened to Tropic of Cancer.
339
00:18:03,129 --> 00:18:05,431
-How should I know?
-Because I gave it to you.
340
00:18:05,593 --> 00:18:06,770
-Me?
-Yeah, think.
341
00:18:06,937 --> 00:18:09,239
Don't you remember?
You kept begging me to see it.
342
00:18:09,401 --> 00:18:11,092
Then finally, I agreed.
343
00:18:11,481 --> 00:18:14,067
You were supposed to return it.
344
00:18:14,232 --> 00:18:17,200
I met you in the gym locker room
and gave it to you.
345
00:18:18,137 --> 00:18:19,347
The locker room.
346
00:18:20,056 --> 00:18:21,944
-George, here's the book.
-Oh, man.
347
00:18:22,104 --> 00:18:24,559
Don't let anybody see it.
Don't let anything happen to it.
348
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:27,029
It's me, George. Don't worry.
I'll return it tomorrow.
349
00:18:27,192 --> 00:18:30,705
All right. I'll see you after school.
I'm late for Heyman's hygiene.
350
00:18:34,456 --> 00:18:36,496
-Can't stand you!
-Yes, Mr. Heyman?
351
00:18:36,663 --> 00:18:39,980
Your underwear was sticking out
of your shorts during gym class.
352
00:18:40,151 --> 00:18:43,250
-That's because I wear boxer shorts.
-Boxer shorts, huh?
353
00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:45,521
-What brand?
-I'm not really sure.
354
00:18:45,688 --> 00:18:47,924
Yeah, well, let's take a look!
355
00:19:00,310 --> 00:19:03,758
Anyway, I hope there's
no hard feelings.
356
00:19:05,366 --> 00:19:08,497
Hard feelings? What do you know
about hard feelings?
357
00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:13,713
Ever have a man die in your arms?
Ever kill somebody?
358
00:19:13,878 --> 00:19:15,951
-What is your problem?
-What's my problem?
359
00:19:16,118 --> 00:19:18,736
Punks like you. That's my problem.
360
00:19:18,902 --> 00:19:20,560
You better not
screw up again, Seinfeld.
361
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:23,725
Because if you do, I'll be all over you
like a pit bull on a poodle.
362
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:29,907
That is one tough monkey.
363
00:19:30,806 --> 00:19:34,635
-So you were saying?
-So I took your suggestion...
364
00:19:34,805 --> 00:19:37,041
...and I gave my boss
Marion's poems...
365
00:19:37,205 --> 00:19:38,928
...the ones that affected
Kramer so much.
366
00:19:39,093 --> 00:19:43,054
-Oh, beautiful. Did he like them?
-No, he didn't.
367
00:19:44,437 --> 00:19:47,154
No, he didn't.
368
00:19:48,885 --> 00:19:51,885
-Was he out there?
-No, he's gone.
369
00:19:52,373 --> 00:19:56,202
-I wonder what happened to him.
-I guess we'll never know.
370
00:20:02,932 --> 00:20:04,394
Can't stand you.
371
00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:08,971
Can't stand you. Can't stand you.
372
00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:11,693
Can't stand you.
373
00:20:13,555 --> 00:20:15,824
Any day that you had gym...
374
00:20:15,987 --> 00:20:18,092
...was a weird school day.
375
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,463
You know what I mean?
It started off kind of normal.
376
00:20:20,628 --> 00:20:23,442
You have, like, English, geometry,
social studies...
377
00:20:23,603 --> 00:20:26,669
...and then suddenly, you're, like,
in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.
378
00:20:26,835 --> 00:20:29,901
You're hanging from a rope.
You have hardly any clothes on.
379
00:20:30,067 --> 00:20:33,362
Teachers are yelling at you,
''Where's your jockstrap?'' You know.
380
00:20:33,522 --> 00:20:37,613
Kids are throwing dodge balls at you.
You're trying to survive.
381
00:20:38,066 --> 00:20:39,724
Then it's history...
382
00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:41,712
...science, language.
383
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:45,038
There's something off
in the whole flow of that day.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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