Original subtitles

[Astronotter speaking gibberish]

[Monsieur Cornichon] If you are a Pickle,

then I am not a Pickle.

[Will] I think I know how I can

put everything back the way it was.

Mom's getting remarried.

These numbers are a Fibonacci sequence.

I'm confident Will is turning back time.

[Bobby] This is Bobby Belongo

with the South Bend chapter of the Pickles Platoon.

I've got a bunch of Pickle Pals here

to serenade you on Christmas Eve.

[Jill] You tried to manslaughter him,

and now you're going halfsies on a schnauzer.

I like him.

[Dr. Debrincat] You've had a minor stroke.

[Derrell] Sooner or later,

you gotta accept reality.

♪ ominous music ♪

[man on TV] T-minus 21 seconds

and the solid rocket booster engine gimbal now under way.

T-minus 15 seconds.

[man on radio] T-minus ten seconds...

[man on TV] Nine, eight, seven, six.

We have main engine start.

Four, three...

[teacher] Everybody say,

"Bon voyage, Mrs. McAuliffe."

[all] Bon massage, Mrs. McAuliffe.

[man on TV] Clears the tower.

[man on TV] So the 25th

space shuttle mission is now on the way.

This morning, it looked as though

they were not going to be able to get off.

Looks like a couple of the, uh, solid rocket boosters,

uh, blew away from the side of the shuttle

in an explosion.

♪ solemn music ♪

Was the shuttle supposed to explode?

Yes, because you get to the space station faster in pieces.

♪♪♪

[man on TV] Obviously a major malfunction.

♪♪♪

[overlapping chatter]

[Jeff] Hey.

Jeff?

This morning, I saw television

kill the dreams of children all over the world.

What if I use that same power to heal them?

♪ quirky ethereal music ♪

♪♪♪

[birds chirping]

[Jeff] Konnichiwa.

[male translator] speaking Japanese

[metal clattering]

[male translator] speaking Spanish

[female translator] speaking Swedish

[nose squeaks]

And from the bottom of my heart, you need to know...

[male translator] speaking Japanese

[male translator] speaking Spanish

[female translator] speaking Swedish

You are my family now

and I'm here to protect you.

[gibberish]

speaking Hausa

- [Derrell] Jeff? - Oh?

- Hmm? - Hey.

So Peter's drunk in the hand.

What?

Oh.

Peter?

Buddy?

Why are you dressed like an African warlord?

I'm Baba Pickles, Nigerian protector of youth.

[whispers] Do you not find that offensive?

I'm African-American.

I feel nothing.

Should you be drinking with our liver?

No.

So do you ever stop and think,

if this is his hand...

[sniffs]

...how huge are his balls?

- Give me the beer, Peter. - Mm-mm.

[Jeff] Peter, if you drink that beer, you'll die

and there'll be no more showhounds.

Heaven's full of showhounds.

Why are his eyes turning yellow?

'Cause everything's comin' up jaundice.

Did something happen in Hersheypark?

You think it's gonna be this romantic place

and you get there...

It's mostly children...

...watching your girlfriend say no to your proposal.

[whispers] Pancake said no?

That man loves you,

and he's funny, he's handsome,

he's a profound lover of animals,

and you should spend the rest of your life together.

I can't even hear you until we talk about you

kidnapping Will to the Philippines.

We took a field trip.

You threw a guy off a ship

in a barrel!

It was an ovular sarcophagus.

That was once filled with pickles, Jeff!

[drawer slams]

Peter is charming. He's a doctor.

He's sardonic yet hopeful.

- Are you high? - I haven't had tea in weeks.

Maybe I don't wanna get remarried.

But you do! I know you do!

And we need to move that way, forward.

You need to move on so we can move on.

I'm starting a new family, and I can't do that

unless I know my old family's gonna be okay.

What new family?

Something good has to come from something bad.

[whispers] Peter is the good

that can come from our collective ungluing,

and if you don't embrace that,

then he will pickle his new liver,

and that irony will be difficult to process.

[footsteps thudding]

[Will] You can't even fight for her

a little bit, can you?

[Jill] Go back upstairs.

[Jeff] Peter will die.

He will die, and it will be on us.

[Jill] No, no, this is not on me.

I taught him to walk again.

I stood here and held his hand

as he learned to climb these stairs.

It took us two hours to get from here to up there,

but we did it!

You broke him, and I am fixing him!

He was my friend first,

and I'll decide when I want to marry him! I will!

You can't even be happy that she said no, can you?

They belong together.

A normal person would want Peter to die.

A normal person would want Peter to be in this family.

A normal person wouldn't have hit him with his car.

Peter loves you.

He doesn't deserve this.

He's your future...

and he is your Pancake.

[device beeps]

♪ intense militaristic music ♪

♪♪♪

[indistinct soft music playing on stereo]

♪♪♪

The magic is gone.

Everything is upside down, Grandpa,

because, see, we were going back in time,

and it was really working--

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Do you foresee your own death within the next 3 to 24 hours?

- No. - Good, I'm busy.

Grandpa!

Will, sometimes the things in your head

are different from what they really are.

That's how reality works, kid.

But I--

[indistinct soft music on stereo continues]

[snoring]

♪ ominous music ♪

[Listen-To-Me Pickles] Josip? It's me, Jeff.

Wake up, Josip.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

You and I are about to embark on a quest,

a journey around the world to find

23 caring and virtuous souls

to build a family of Pickles...

men and women of the highest moral caliber

who will devote their lives to children.

[door opens]

And we're gonna start with you, Gospodin Kiseli Krastavac.

speaking foreign language

Will you be the first Serbian pickles?

Jeff, it would be the honor of my life.

[device beeps]

Hello?

Hello? Josip?

- What the heck? - [phone buzzes]

Oh.

Hello?

[man] I know where you live, motherfucker.

♪ ominous music ♪

[birds chirping]

[children giggling]

♪ cheerful music ♪

I asked my dad why I have red hair and he doesn't.

He said God gave it to me.

Mr. Pickles says God doesn't exist.

- He doesn't? - No, he's a construct.

What's a construct?

I don't know, but I told my mom,

and I get to skip my sister's christening.

[Bobby] Arya, Dani.

[clears throat]

I think what Mr. Pickles meant by that was,

God exists differently for everyone.

Hmm, I don't think so.

Mr. Pickles just wants us to love each other:

you, me, the entire South Bend, Indiana,

chapter of the Pickles Platoon.

Sometimes he goes a little off topic.

Just ignore that stuff.

I like when he says that stuff.

The bigger lesson then is that our words have consequences.

Well, great painting. Y'all done?

- [Arya] Yeah. - [Dani] Yep.

♪ ominous music ♪

♪♪♪

[car beeps]

♪♪♪

[car beeps]

You are my family now,

and I'm here to protect you.

[Astronotter speaking gibberish on TV]

[gasps]

[man on TV] Everyone needs a new ride.

[Astronotter speaking gibberish on TV]

[man on TV] It is like a spaceship, Astronotter,

only more affordable.

[whispers] Astronotter

belongs on a rocket.

Ask your local dealer about the new Mercedes S-Class.

And she doesn't fucking talk!

[glass shatters]

What are you looking for?

Some good PR.

We need to remind this country

that our show is a national treasure,

not some lightning rod

for controversy and dead Filipinos.

Can I help?

Can you find a letter NASA wrote to my father in 1997?

It would be under the VIP correspondence.

I have a system.

Uh-huh.

[beer gurgles]

They wanted to send Astronotter to the space station,

you know, get kids interested in science,

but Dad said no.

How come?

Because if the shuttle exploded like the Challenger,

then we wouldn't have a choice.

We'd have to eulogize one of our most popular puppets.

Nothing worse than a dead puppet.

Is it this?

I have always wanted to say this...

Could you get NASA on the phone?

Yeah.

You're staring at me again.

You're like a beesting,

and I mean that as salaciously as your heart will receive it.

why do I feel like the gravel in your voice

has spent years apologizing for the words it produces?

When was the last time you had 12 courses of Italian?

Oh.

Huh?

I don't need your help.

Oh, no?

I've been going to the gym.

Oh, I'll open another bottle of Chianti.

[chuckles]

[gentle song playing on stereo] ♪ The music's strange to me ♪

♪♪♪

What are you doing on Tuesday?

Avoiding your phone calls.

Ha, ha, ha.

♪♪♪

Why don't we take $30,000 in cash,

go to the airport,

and see where the wind takes us, hmm?

♪ Once upon a time ♪

♪ I had a girl ♪

♪ Once upon a time ♪

♪ I knew her love ♪

♪ I've stood and watched her walk away ♪

[pounding on door]

♪ And all that I could do was pray ♪

♪ And beg her not to go ♪

♪♪♪

[exhales]

♪♪♪

The magic is gone.

Everything is upside down, Grandpa,

because, see, we were going back in time,

and it was really working--

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Do you foresee your own death within the next 3 to 24 hours?

- No. - Good, I'm busy.

[pounds] Grandpa!

Will, sometimes the things in your head

are different from what they really are.

That's how reality works, kid.

- But I--

♪ Sorrow and me ♪

[thumps on door]

♪ I feel like running through the door ♪

- Now. - Now.

Where were we?

♪ Sit and watch him kissing her like that ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Once upon a time, she loved me so ♪

Mm.

♪ Once upon a time, I let her go ♪

Oh.

I can't wait to tell my family about you.

♪ With the blues and there's nothing I can-- ♪

Does this smell like gasoline to you?

[Blake] We should do a whiskey.

[Scott] Let's do it.

[Blake] What should we name it?

[Scott] How about Two Friends Whiskey

after our friendship?

Or Dimples Whiskey after the dimples in our faces.

[Scott] Last night, I was pleasuring a woman sexually.

Hmm.

I find the salt and pepper

combined with the money

really gets women's dicks hard, if you know what I mean.

I also love pleasuring women.

How have we not talked about this?

I'm always like, "Last night, I pleasured this woman,"

and you're, like, never paying attention.

I'm listening to you.

Sometimes it feels like you're listening at me, you know?

What does that mean?

And then you get defensive.

Well, I'm sorry.

I-I-I promise I'll try to communicate better.

You've been an indispensable friend

over these last few weeks.

I feel the same way.

Really?

That means so much.

Scott, I need to, uh...

God, I've been picturing myself having this conversation

since I was 13 and now I don't know how to start--

I want Astronotter back.

What the fuck, Dee Dee?

[Blake] Is this woman bothering you, Scottson?

No, she's the one I was telling you about.

Oh, uh-huh.

Who are you?

Blake Griffin?

Sports?

Yeah.

We were having a conversation.

[Deirdre] She has the opportunity

to go where no puppet has gone before.

Space?

Wow, first guess.

Boop!

You can have her back

for the low, low price of $28 million.

Please, this is really important to me.

I know, it's--it's-- it's--it's incredible,

and that's why I'm not saying no.

Blake Griffin is saying no.

I'm saying go fuck yourself.

- [Scott] Oh, my God. - [Blake] Nightmare.

25 fucking years, man!

I don't know how you did it.

You open it, Scott.

I can't.

- You sure? - [exhales]

[gentle music playing on stereo]

♪♪♪

"Miss Deirdre Piccirillo,

the Japanese Design Exchange Program

is absolutely terrified to welcome you

to their 1987-'88 program."

♪♪♪

What?

♪♪♪

You know Japan is 6,350 miles away?

♪♪♪

I'd be a day ahead of you,

my father, even Jeff.

♪♪♪

I'd pretty much be in a completely different world,

living my own life.

So?

I think you should go.

What are you gonna miss here?

It's only a year.

Nothin's gonna change.

I don't even look at other girls.

You have split ends.

[Christa McAuliffe on TV] Last year in high school,

but it's your beginning for what you're gonna

be doing in life, and you're gonna be looking

at all sorts of career opportunities,

you're gonna be looking at colleges,

and you're gonna say,

"What am I gonna do? What do I want to do?"

Reach for it, you know.

Go--push yourself as far as you can.

I'm going to Japan.

[applause on TV]

[triumphant music on TV]

♪♪♪

[man on TV] So the 25th

space shuttle mission is now on the way

after more delays than NASA cares to count.

This morning, it looked as though

they were not going to be able to get off.

Would you please turn that down?

[man on TV] Looks like a couple

of the, uh, solid rocket boosters,

uh, blew away from the side of the shuttle

- in an explosion. - [knock on door]

[Jeff] Hey.

Jeff?

This morning, I saw television

kill the dreams of children all over the world.

What if I use that same power to heal them?

What does that mean?

I don't know yet.

Can I help?

I thought you were supposed to go to Japan.

I don't wanna go anywhere right now.

♪ ethereal music ♪

♪♪♪

Ready for liftoff, Astronotter?

[high voice] No, Dee Dee.

I'm afraid to go.

I love it,

but I don't think she should talk.

I...

I feel like she should just make

this series of random noises.

Bee-boo-bop, beep, beep, boo, bop, beep.

I don't think anyone understands her, you know?

It's a him.

Oh, well, still.

♪♪♪

Why don't you hold onto this for me?

♪♪♪

[Derrell] Hey,

the guy from NASA public relations called back.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

He's gonna run it up the flagpole.

But it sounds like there's a launch in a few months

and he grew up with the show,

so he said there might be a seat on the rocket,

if you want it.

Yes, I want it.

[indistinct soft pop music playing on stereo]

♪♪♪

♪ Just you, just you... ♪

Hey, I feel like earlier,

you were about to say something to me.

Mm, no, I--I don't think so, no.

What--

♪ Militaristic music ♪

Move!

What the fuck are you doing?

Astronotter is getting on that rocket.

Blake, I apologize.

[Deirdre] Repeat after me!

Astronotter is getting on that rocket.

This is not how human beings negotiate.

- Say it! - No!

This is my otter! I earned it!

[Astronotter speaking gibberish]

Not now, Sheryl. Say it.

You want Astronotter? I'll make you a deal.

Give me one more day a week with my daughter.

What?

[Scott] Is somebody even watching her right now?

One more day a week.

I trade you otter for more daughter.

- Sound good? - You leave her out of this!

- Deirdre? - What?

If that's the space people, tell 'em we're good to go.

It's ToyCo.

They're taking all the Listen-To-Me Pickles offline.

What? Why?

[man] I know where you live, motherfucker.

How did you get this number?

[man] You call my house. You talk to my kid.

Please don't call here.

[phone buzzes]

Deirdre?

ToyCo shut down the system.

Why?

Don't freak out, okay?

Why?

Your phone number, your home address, your social

just all showed up on some Internet forum.

They felt because of all the threats--

What threats?

You get a lot of threats.

It's probably nothing.

Okay, so it's nothing?

It's nothing.

I'm pretty sure it's nothing.

Okay, thanks.

♪ ominous music ♪

[sighs]

♪♪♪

I'm sorry, we have to turn around.

Can you take me to 4183 Leafturn Street, please?

You're gonna miss your flight.

Please, as fast as you can.

♪♪♪

You have a spectacular day, friend.

♪♪♪

[line trilling]

[Jill on phone] Hi, it's Jill.

Sorry I missed your call, but please leave a message.

[phone beeps]

I'm not ready to marry you.

[spits] I think you made that clear...

[clears throat]

...when you didn't say yes to me asking you to marry me.

It's too soon, Peter.

Inside, you can't see it,

but I am, like, in the 13th round

of a very drunk game of Jenga

24-7 all the time.

Every move scares me.

But you came into my life,

and you helped me sleep when I couldn't sleep,

you made me laugh when I couldn't laugh,

and you--you made me feel light

when I couldn't feel anything at all.

That's family.

[brakes squeal]

♪ intense music ♪

♪♪♪

[pounding on door]

Okay, just...

So to your proposal,

I propose that I will say yes

when yes feels right.

Jill!

Guys?

And I will wear this ring

so that you know that my proposal

that this proposal is a real proposal to propose.

[Jeff] Guys?

- [knocks on door] - Jill?

Can you live with that?

If I get to live with you.

♪ intense music ♪

♪♪♪

Will!

♪♪♪

Will!

♪♪♪

Hello, Astronotter.

Are you ready for your first flight to outer space?

[Astronotter speaking gibberish]

♪♪♪

[tires squeal]

It's okay to be scared,

but it's gonna be okay.

I know it.

Ready?

[Astronotter speaking gibberish]

Ten, nine,

eight, seven,

six, five,

four, three, two...

♪♪♪

[music ends abruptly]

[glass shatters]

[flames crackling]

[tires squeal]

What is that?

Will!

[flames roaring]

[gasps]

[Peter] Oh, shit!

- [Jill] Here, here. - [Peter] What?

Will!

[water rushes]

♪ ethereal music ♪

♪♪♪

[device beeping]

♪ mysterious music ♪

♪♪♪