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[Jill]
Previously on Kidding...
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00:00:05,658 --> 00:00:07,157
[Conan] Our next guest
is celebrating
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00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:09,908
his 30th anniversary
in children's television.
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00:00:09,991 --> 00:00:12,366
I had a son named Phil.
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00:00:12,449 --> 00:00:13,700
He died.
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00:00:13,783 --> 00:00:16,116
Will, we're finally
getting new neighbors.
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00:00:16,199 --> 00:00:18,950
If Jill finds out you bought
the house next to her,
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00:00:19,032 --> 00:00:20,449
she'll take Will and leave.
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00:00:20,533 --> 00:00:21,825
[Jeff] I saw Jill
hugging another man.
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00:00:21,908 --> 00:00:23,282
[Seb]
You mean fucking.
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00:00:23,366 --> 00:00:25,616
Please don't use a bad word
when you can use a good word.
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00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,324
Are you and Dad
getting divorced?
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00:00:27,408 --> 00:00:28,991
No.
Why would you ask me that?
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00:00:29,074 --> 00:00:31,533
I think Scott might be gay.
15
00:00:31,616 --> 00:00:34,116
I need to know,
did you have sexual relations
16
00:00:34,199 --> 00:00:36,324
with the Japanese version
of your brother?
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00:00:36,408 --> 00:00:37,866
[Jill] I want you to know
that you can
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00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:39,533
come by the house
whenever you like.
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00:00:39,616 --> 00:00:41,157
[Jeff] Tonight?
We could go for a walk.
20
00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:44,199
Will's smoking reefer
like a jazz musician.
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00:00:44,282 --> 00:00:46,991
You are breaking your father's
heart with this shit.
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00:00:47,074 --> 00:00:48,783
[Jeff] I have a tremendous
amount of pent-up anger.
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00:00:48,866 --> 00:00:50,032
And I know I dress
like a Mormon
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00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,908
and I talk like a monk,
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00:00:51,991 --> 00:00:53,908
but inside,
I'm Mount St. Helens
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00:00:54,032 --> 00:00:58,032
and it's 1980 and I am magma
from the neck down.
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00:00:58,116 --> 00:00:59,408
[Peter] Thanks
for trusting me with Will.
28
00:00:59,491 --> 00:01:00,950
You wanna smoke a joint?
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00:01:01,032 --> 00:01:02,908
Do you think
your dad's gonna kill
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00:01:02,991 --> 00:01:04,616
- your mom's new boyfriend?
- [Will] No.
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00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:05,700
That wouldn't be nice.
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00:01:05,783 --> 00:01:08,032
[engine turning over]
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00:01:08,116 --> 00:01:11,032
♪ bright music ♪
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00:01:11,116 --> 00:01:16,116
♪♪♪
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00:01:23,199 --> 00:01:26,199
As long as I've known
the both of you,
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00:01:26,282 --> 00:01:28,074
I have enjoyed watching
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00:01:28,157 --> 00:01:32,700
your shared and selfless
language of kindness.
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00:01:32,783 --> 00:01:34,866
Yours is a chemistry
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00:01:34,950 --> 00:01:39,491
built on the mutual love
of love itself
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00:01:39,574 --> 00:01:40,991
and the knowledge
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00:01:41,074 --> 00:01:44,616
that each of you contains
the inner strength
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00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:47,449
to tackle every challenge
together.
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00:01:47,533 --> 00:01:49,032
[guests] Aw.
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00:01:49,116 --> 00:01:53,324
To borrow a tradition
I admire from another faith...
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00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,616
[laughs lightly]
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May your love last
as long as it takes
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00:02:01,658 --> 00:02:04,783
to put this glass
back together.
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00:02:04,866 --> 00:02:06,616
This part always felt
a little violent
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00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:08,533
for holy matrimony.
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00:02:08,616 --> 00:02:10,658
[laughter]
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00:02:12,825 --> 00:02:14,574
[exhales]
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00:02:14,658 --> 00:02:16,157
[sighs]
53
00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:21,950
You have it in you.
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00:02:22,032 --> 00:02:23,700
I know it.
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00:02:23,783 --> 00:02:26,616
[whispering]
Go on, Jeff, smash it.
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00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:27,866
[exhales]
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00:02:27,950 --> 00:02:29,950
I love you...
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00:02:30,032 --> 00:02:31,533
Jill Piccirillo.
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00:02:31,616 --> 00:02:33,324
- [guests murmuring]
- [Jill] Gosh, I hope so,
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00:02:33,408 --> 00:02:34,950
after all that buildup.
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00:02:35,032 --> 00:02:37,908
[all chuckling]
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00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:38,533
- [thud]
- [glass shatters]
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00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:40,282
[Peter] Ooh!
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00:02:43,199 --> 00:02:45,032
[engine shuts off]
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00:02:45,116 --> 00:02:48,116
[dog barking distantly]
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00:02:53,866 --> 00:02:56,533
[cell phone ringing]
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00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:15,658
[shakily]
Hello?
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00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:19,324
[children]
♪ O, holy night ♪
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00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,700
♪ The stars are brightly ♪
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00:03:21,783 --> 00:03:24,783
♪ Shining ♪
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00:03:24,866 --> 00:03:27,324
♪ It is the night ♪
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00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:33,282
♪ Of our dear Savior's
birth ♪
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00:03:33,366 --> 00:03:37,324
- ♪ Long lay the world ♪
- [car door chiming]
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00:03:37,408 --> 00:03:42,741
♪ In sin
and error pining ♪
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00:03:42,825 --> 00:03:45,574
♪ Till He appeared ♪
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00:03:45,658 --> 00:03:50,741
♪ And the soul
felt its worth... ♪
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00:03:50,825 --> 00:03:53,199
[Bobby] Mr. Pickles,
this is Bobby Belongo
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00:03:53,282 --> 00:03:55,908
with the South Bend chapter
of the Pickles Platoon.
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00:03:55,991 --> 00:03:58,241
I've got a bunch
of rowdy Pickle Pals here
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00:03:58,324 --> 00:04:01,533
who wanted to serenade you
on Christmas Eve.
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00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,574
My goodness...
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00:04:03,658 --> 00:04:05,116
what talent.
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00:04:05,199 --> 00:04:06,700
[children]
♪ A new and glorious morn ♪
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00:04:06,783 --> 00:04:08,241
[Bobby] And this is Danny.
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00:04:08,324 --> 00:04:09,908
Danny earned the most
pickle points this year,
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00:04:09,991 --> 00:04:12,116
and as a reward, he gets
to wish you good yule tidings
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00:04:12,199 --> 00:04:13,950
all by himself.
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00:04:15,449 --> 00:04:17,991
[Danny] Merry Christmas,
Mr. Pickles.
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00:04:18,074 --> 00:04:20,866
Merry Christmas, Danny.
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00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:22,616
Have you been
a good boy this year?
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00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:25,658
[children] ♪ ...voices ♪
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00:04:25,741 --> 00:04:26,616
♪ O, night-- ♪
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00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,324
[knock at door]
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00:04:29,741 --> 00:04:30,825
[exhales]
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00:04:30,908 --> 00:04:34,157
[rapid knocking]
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00:04:36,783 --> 00:04:38,199
He was on drugs.
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00:04:38,282 --> 00:04:40,700
Peter?
[panting]
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00:04:40,783 --> 00:04:41,616
[whispering] Peter.
[louder] Peter.
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00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:43,074
I'll call 911.
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00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:44,449
- [touch-tones beeping]
- He's unresponsive.
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00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:47,074
- [line ringing]
- Cervical spine's intact.
102
00:04:47,157 --> 00:04:50,366
Multiple traumas to the chest
and abdomen--tell them!
103
00:04:50,449 --> 00:04:52,783
How many traumas
is multiple traumas?
104
00:04:52,866 --> 00:04:54,658
- Are you okay?
- You talking to me?
105
00:04:54,741 --> 00:04:55,741
Jeff, you were
in a car accident.
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00:04:55,825 --> 00:04:56,908
Are you hurt?
107
00:04:56,991 --> 00:04:58,783
No.
Thank you for asking.
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00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,658
[recording] Please stay
on the line.
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00:05:00,741 --> 00:05:02,866
Calls are answered in
the order they are received.
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00:05:02,950 --> 00:05:04,032
It's Christmas Eve.
You'll never get through.
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00:05:04,116 --> 00:05:05,700
- Is he dead?
- We need to put him
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00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,116
- on some kind of stretcher.
- [whispering] This my fault.
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00:05:08,199 --> 00:05:09,825
- I did this.
- He took an Ambien.
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00:05:09,908 --> 00:05:11,282
Who knows what he was
thinking?
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00:05:11,366 --> 00:05:12,116
He probably walked
right in front of you
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00:05:12,199 --> 00:05:13,491
and didn't even
realize it.
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00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:16,282
[muffled]
Jeff, Jeff! Jeff!
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00:05:16,366 --> 00:05:17,741
If he's not
on an operating table
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00:05:17,825 --> 00:05:20,116
in 20 minutes,
he is going to bleed out.
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00:05:20,199 --> 00:05:22,241
I need you.
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00:05:22,324 --> 00:05:23,825
Help me.
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00:05:26,241 --> 00:05:28,658
[inhales] Is my toboggan
still in the garage?
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00:05:28,741 --> 00:05:29,991
- ♪ hip-hop music ♪
- ♪ I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
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00:05:30,074 --> 00:05:31,741
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
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00:05:31,825 --> 00:05:33,241
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
126
00:05:33,324 --> 00:05:35,408
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
127
00:05:35,491 --> 00:05:36,991
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
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00:05:37,074 --> 00:05:39,199
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
129
00:05:39,282 --> 00:05:40,533
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
130
00:05:40,616 --> 00:05:42,741
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
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00:05:42,825 --> 00:05:45,324
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go,
I'ma go, I'ma go... ♪
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00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:48,157
I think we should
see other people.
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00:05:48,241 --> 00:05:49,866
[sighs]
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00:05:51,408 --> 00:05:52,825
What else does he need?
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00:05:52,908 --> 00:05:54,950
He needs you to drive
as fast as humanly possible!
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00:05:55,032 --> 00:05:56,241
[door thuds shut]
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00:06:00,908 --> 00:06:02,324
Don't do drugs!
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00:06:02,408 --> 00:06:03,741
[objects clattering,
smashing]
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00:06:03,825 --> 00:06:05,032
[balloon sputters]
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00:06:05,116 --> 00:06:06,116
[engine turning over]
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00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,324
[tires squealing]
142
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,491
Hold on, Pete.
We're gonna get ya help!
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00:06:09,574 --> 00:06:10,741
Yeah, yeah--
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00:06:10,825 --> 00:06:11,991
- [glass shatters]
- [Jill screams]
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00:06:12,074 --> 00:06:12,991
- [Jeff] No!
- [Jill shrieks]
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00:06:15,741 --> 00:06:17,866
Oh, it's just Santa!
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00:06:17,950 --> 00:06:19,491
- It's just Santa!
- Okay.
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00:06:20,741 --> 00:06:22,741
- Oh!
- Um, uh, hold on.
149
00:06:22,825 --> 00:06:24,074
Just kick it!
150
00:06:24,157 --> 00:06:25,241
- Kick it!
- [grunts]
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00:06:25,324 --> 00:06:26,408
[horn honking]
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00:06:26,491 --> 00:06:27,908
[Jeff] I'm gonna
call out the road,
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00:06:28,032 --> 00:06:29,116
and you're gonna repeat it
back, okay?
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00:06:29,199 --> 00:06:31,157
- Okay.
- Sharp left!
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00:06:31,241 --> 00:06:32,533
- Sharp left. Ah!
- [horn honking]
156
00:06:32,616 --> 00:06:33,908
- Gimme your hand!
- Huh?
157
00:06:33,991 --> 00:06:34,741
Gimme your hand.
Gimme your hand.
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00:06:34,825 --> 00:06:35,866
Huh? What?
159
00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:36,741
Keep your fingers
gently on his neck.
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00:06:36,825 --> 00:06:38,032
I need you to register
his pulse
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00:06:38,116 --> 00:06:38,950
so I can keep putting
pressure on the bleeding.
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00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,116
- Pothole!
- Pothole! Ow!
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00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:41,449
If you don't feel a pulse,
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00:06:41,533 --> 00:06:43,199
I need you to pull over
so I can perform CPR!
165
00:06:43,282 --> 00:06:44,324
We're almost there.
Changing lanes!
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00:06:44,408 --> 00:06:46,324
[tires squealing]
167
00:06:46,408 --> 00:06:47,700
[horn honking]
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00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:50,199
- Changing back!
- Changing back!
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00:06:50,282 --> 00:06:52,408
[Jill] Fuck this fucking light!
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00:06:52,491 --> 00:06:54,157
What the fuck is up
with this fucking light?
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00:06:54,241 --> 00:06:55,950
Hold on!
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00:06:56,032 --> 00:06:57,199
[horns honking]
173
00:06:57,282 --> 00:06:59,282
[tires squealing]
174
00:06:59,366 --> 00:07:01,074
Get me to the hospital.
Get me to the hospital.
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00:07:01,157 --> 00:07:02,199
Get me to the hospital!
176
00:07:02,282 --> 00:07:03,408
I'm gonna call out the road,
177
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:04,408
and you're gonna
repeat it back to me.
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00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:05,658
- Mm.
- Right turn.
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00:07:05,741 --> 00:07:07,032
- Right turn.
- I can't hear you.
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00:07:07,116 --> 00:07:08,908
- Right turn!
- [tires squealing]
181
00:07:09,032 --> 00:07:10,658
[hiccupping]
Oh!
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00:07:10,741 --> 00:07:13,408
[laughing] The twins are giving
me the-the hiccups.
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00:07:13,491 --> 00:07:14,700
- [panting]
- You're doin' great...
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00:07:14,783 --> 00:07:16,074
Mom.
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00:07:16,157 --> 00:07:17,116
[screaming]
Please drive faster!
186
00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:19,116
[Jeff] Okay!
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00:07:19,199 --> 00:07:21,074
[panting]
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00:07:21,157 --> 00:07:22,741
Oh...if Astronotter
were here,
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00:07:22,825 --> 00:07:24,991
he'd tell you
you need to take
190
00:07:25,074 --> 00:07:26,282
a calming-down breath.
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00:07:26,366 --> 00:07:27,491
No, he'd say,
"Me-me-meep, me-me-meep."
192
00:07:27,574 --> 00:07:29,616
- [Jill panting]
- [Jeff] Help us, please!
193
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,282
We need help!
194
00:07:31,366 --> 00:07:33,574
Weak pulse, internal bleeding.
He was on Ambien and pot.
195
00:07:33,658 --> 00:07:35,366
- He walked into traffic.
- [woman] Copy. Trauma one.
196
00:07:35,449 --> 00:07:37,199
Code blue!
197
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,574
[indistinct P.A. announcement]
198
00:07:39,658 --> 00:07:41,700
[cell phone clicks]
199
00:07:41,783 --> 00:07:44,991
[Deirdre] So what your dad
is trying to say is--
200
00:07:45,074 --> 00:07:47,074
When two heterosexual people
201
00:07:47,157 --> 00:07:49,491
reach a point
in their relationship--
202
00:07:49,574 --> 00:07:51,324
Did you get me everything
on my Christmas list?
203
00:07:51,408 --> 00:07:53,157
- Pretty much.
- Almost, yeah.
204
00:07:53,241 --> 00:07:56,116
- Cool.
- A point in their relationship
205
00:07:56,199 --> 00:07:58,700
when, uh, things
are no longer feasible--
206
00:07:58,783 --> 00:07:59,700
What's "feasible"?
207
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,574
It's a Japanese word
for "exciting."
208
00:08:01,658 --> 00:08:04,324
Hey, whatever happened
to Mr. Pickles-san?
209
00:08:04,408 --> 00:08:05,491
He went home.
210
00:08:05,574 --> 00:08:06,533
He's probably
in Guantanamo Bay.
211
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:07,783
What's that?
212
00:08:07,866 --> 00:08:09,324
It's what your mom
calls our bedroom.
213
00:08:09,408 --> 00:08:10,408
- Nice.
- [laughs]
214
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:12,991
When a marriage
is no longer feasible,
215
00:08:13,074 --> 00:08:15,533
a mutual decision is made--
216
00:08:15,616 --> 00:08:17,700
Well, 60-40,
if we're gonna be honest.
217
00:08:17,783 --> 00:08:20,157
- [cell phone buzzing]
- Hi.
218
00:08:20,241 --> 00:08:22,241
I think I killed Peter.
219
00:08:22,324 --> 00:08:24,449
- I gotta go.
- [scoffs]
220
00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,449
We're getting a divorce.
221
00:08:26,533 --> 00:08:28,282
["Jingle Bells"
playing over stereo]
222
00:08:28,366 --> 00:08:29,866
Can I open
another present?
223
00:08:29,950 --> 00:08:32,491
Here, open this one.
224
00:08:32,574 --> 00:08:34,991
Can I talk to you
in the kitchen, please?
225
00:08:35,074 --> 00:08:36,449
Don't throw it in the house.
226
00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:41,366
♪♪♪
227
00:08:41,449 --> 00:08:44,324
[whispering]
I love you, ax.
228
00:08:44,408 --> 00:08:45,783
[whispering] So then
you tried to kill him?
229
00:08:45,866 --> 00:08:47,366
[whispering]
I didn't try to kill him.
230
00:08:47,449 --> 00:08:49,074
I tried to hit him
with my car.
231
00:08:49,157 --> 00:08:50,241
Did anybody see you?
232
00:08:51,408 --> 00:08:52,700
What did I do?
233
00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:56,324
You got between your kid
and drugs any way you could.
234
00:08:56,408 --> 00:08:58,324
When Jill comes back,
I'm gonna tell her everything.
235
00:08:58,408 --> 00:09:00,116
- Why would you do that?
- I think I'll feel better
236
00:09:00,199 --> 00:09:02,157
- if she knew.
- No, no.
237
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:04,574
You need to lie right now.
238
00:09:04,658 --> 00:09:06,491
Under no circumstances
239
00:09:06,574 --> 00:09:08,991
should you tell her
what you did.
240
00:09:09,074 --> 00:09:10,408
Or anyone.
241
00:09:10,491 --> 00:09:13,157
I'm sorry.
I don't know how to lie.
242
00:09:13,241 --> 00:09:15,950
Think of it as a secret.
243
00:09:16,032 --> 00:09:17,616
[normal voice]
You're good at keeping secrets.
244
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:20,741
- Hmm.
- Besides, if Peter dies,
245
00:09:20,825 --> 00:09:22,741
there's no point
in confessing.
246
00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:25,908
Plus...she'll be single
again, so that's good.
247
00:09:25,991 --> 00:09:28,950
[normal voice] If I can't
be honest with her, who am I?
248
00:09:29,032 --> 00:09:31,116
I'm gonna tell her
about buying the house too.
249
00:09:31,199 --> 00:09:33,366
If you tell her what you did,
you will lose her.
250
00:09:33,449 --> 00:09:37,700
You'll lose Will.
You'll lose everything.
251
00:09:40,783 --> 00:09:42,866
There is nothing
after that.
252
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,282
[indistinct P.A. announcement]
253
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:46,074
[sighs]
254
00:09:48,491 --> 00:09:50,282
[whispering] Thank you
for listening to me.
255
00:09:51,449 --> 00:09:53,366
I'm gonna go find Jill.
256
00:09:58,241 --> 00:10:00,157
[softly]
Fuuuuuuck.
257
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:03,366
[Giggles]
Did you see the way
258
00:10:03,449 --> 00:10:05,449
he lowered that body
into the trunk
259
00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:07,449
like he'd been doing it
his whole life?
260
00:10:07,533 --> 00:10:09,908
Like he was a sniper
during the Lesbianic Wars.
261
00:10:09,991 --> 00:10:11,324
I hate him!
262
00:10:11,408 --> 00:10:12,616
How long do you think
263
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,324
that he's been living
in that house,
264
00:10:14,408 --> 00:10:16,199
stalking his prey?
265
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,074
How close were you?
266
00:10:18,157 --> 00:10:19,616
We were on the bed.
267
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,282
- Was there tongue?
- I told her I loved her.
268
00:10:21,366 --> 00:10:22,616
I touched her boob.
269
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,908
And then my dad killed a guy!
270
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,199
Cockblock.
271
00:10:26,282 --> 00:10:27,991
Wait, why'd you tell her
you loved her?
272
00:10:28,074 --> 00:10:30,074
Are you not supposed to?
273
00:10:30,157 --> 00:10:31,241
Seems extreme.
274
00:10:31,324 --> 00:10:33,116
[rap music playing over radio]
275
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,783
Whatever. My mom is going
to punch him in the dick
276
00:10:35,866 --> 00:10:38,825
when I tell her that his shit
was in the closet next door!
277
00:10:38,908 --> 00:10:39,991
He's a straight-up
killer.
278
00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:41,950
I bet he pickles
their bodies,
279
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:45,783
then serves them on a plate
next to giant sandwiches.
280
00:10:45,866 --> 00:10:48,074
Who would eat
a pickled person?
281
00:10:48,157 --> 00:10:50,282
Horses, man.
282
00:10:50,366 --> 00:10:51,574
Horses.
283
00:10:51,658 --> 00:10:53,741
Fuckin' sharks
of the prairie, yo.
284
00:10:53,825 --> 00:10:56,074
♪♪♪
285
00:10:56,157 --> 00:10:57,241
I don't understand.
286
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,950
What is the fucking delay?
287
00:11:00,032 --> 00:11:01,574
I'm sorry, we can't
get him into surgery
288
00:11:01,658 --> 00:11:03,700
until the anesthesiologist
on call arrives.
289
00:11:03,783 --> 00:11:06,116
We paged him,
but he's not responding.
290
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,783
Peter is the anesthesiologist
on call.
291
00:11:08,866 --> 00:11:10,700
I'll find the surgeon.
292
00:11:11,950 --> 00:11:12,700
Ohh!
293
00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:17,074
Ohh!
294
00:11:17,157 --> 00:11:18,491
[exhales]
295
00:11:18,574 --> 00:11:21,366
[indistinct P.A. announcement]
296
00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:26,032
I need to tell you
a few things.
297
00:11:26,116 --> 00:11:27,241
[sobs]
298
00:11:27,324 --> 00:11:28,866
I have to call his family.
299
00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:31,741
I've never met his family!
300
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,032
Do you know that Peter
is a lapsed Mormon?
301
00:11:33,116 --> 00:11:34,574
He has, like, a dozen siblings,
302
00:11:34,658 --> 00:11:35,574
and they're all
flight attendants
303
00:11:35,658 --> 00:11:37,366
who work
for the same airline.
304
00:11:37,449 --> 00:11:39,157
He doesn't speak
to his parents!
305
00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:42,366
Now I have to call his Mormon
mother on Jesus' birthday!
306
00:11:42,449 --> 00:11:44,741
In the same sentence,
I have to introduce myself
307
00:11:44,825 --> 00:11:46,658
and give her the worst
news of her life!
308
00:11:46,741 --> 00:11:48,491
[whispering]
I can call his parents.
309
00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:51,157
I'm sorry
this happened to you.
310
00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:53,324
I'm sorry he wandered
into traffic
311
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,700
and ruined your Christmas.
312
00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:58,449
[crying]
313
00:11:58,533 --> 00:12:01,408
♪ tender music ♪
314
00:12:01,491 --> 00:12:03,074
♪♪♪
315
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:04,783
Christmas isn't over yet.
316
00:12:06,825 --> 00:12:08,866
[sighs]
What did you wanna tell me?
317
00:12:08,950 --> 00:12:11,157
[exhales]
318
00:12:11,241 --> 00:12:12,700
[sighs]
319
00:12:12,783 --> 00:12:14,366
I'll tell you later.
320
00:12:14,449 --> 00:12:19,449
♪♪♪
321
00:12:26,116 --> 00:12:27,074
[belches]
322
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:32,574
Sorry.
I'm drunk.
323
00:12:32,658 --> 00:12:35,032
[Dr. Hernandez]
Jeff, Jill.
324
00:12:35,116 --> 00:12:36,741
Hi, I'm Dr. Hernandez.
325
00:12:36,825 --> 00:12:37,991
Uh, sorry I'm not in uniform.
326
00:12:38,074 --> 00:12:40,199
I wasn't supposed
to be working tonight.
327
00:12:40,282 --> 00:12:41,741
Peter is in
critical condition
328
00:12:41,825 --> 00:12:44,074
but stable at this moment.
329
00:12:44,157 --> 00:12:45,074
[Jeff and Jill sigh]
330
00:12:45,157 --> 00:12:46,408
He's breathing
on his own.
331
00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:48,241
He did lose
a lot of blood, though.
332
00:12:48,324 --> 00:12:50,574
I'm a universal donor.
Just say the word.
333
00:12:50,658 --> 00:12:52,074
Thank you,
but we're not there yet.
334
00:12:52,157 --> 00:12:53,366
We'll know more
in the morning.
335
00:12:53,449 --> 00:12:54,866
For now, I think
the best thing to do
336
00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:56,908
is to go home
and get some sleep.
337
00:12:56,991 --> 00:12:58,825
- I'll call you personally.
- Thank you, Doctor.
338
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,116
Hopefully he'll be up
and talking by then.
339
00:13:00,199 --> 00:13:01,616
Mm.
340
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,741
- [sighs]
- Let me take you home.
341
00:13:07,825 --> 00:13:09,241
[inhales]
342
00:13:09,324 --> 00:13:10,908
[murmuring] Okay.
343
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,074
And you...
344
00:13:13,866 --> 00:13:15,991
Ah...
345
00:13:16,074 --> 00:13:18,950
♪ soft music ♪
346
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:23,825
♪♪♪
347
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,199
[wind howling]
348
00:13:29,282 --> 00:13:31,991
[shivering]
349
00:13:32,074 --> 00:13:36,783
♪♪♪
350
00:13:36,866 --> 00:13:38,366
Ooh.
[exhales]
351
00:13:38,449 --> 00:13:40,032
[sighs]
352
00:13:40,116 --> 00:13:41,741
Ohh!
353
00:13:41,825 --> 00:13:43,616
[both exhale]
354
00:13:49,950 --> 00:13:51,366
I...
355
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,574
Um...
356
00:13:54,658 --> 00:13:58,199
♪ tense music ♪
357
00:13:58,282 --> 00:14:00,324
Do you know
that house next door?
358
00:14:00,408 --> 00:14:04,950
It's, uh, same as ours,
only backwards and empty.
359
00:14:05,032 --> 00:14:06,574
[exhales]
360
00:14:06,658 --> 00:14:08,658
When it was f-for sale--
361
00:14:08,741 --> 00:14:11,366
Would you mind
staying here...
362
00:14:11,449 --> 00:14:13,491
with us tonight?
363
00:14:13,574 --> 00:14:17,199
♪ soft music ♪
364
00:14:17,282 --> 00:14:22,074
♪♪♪
365
00:14:31,866 --> 00:14:33,616
Good night.
366
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,032
Night.
367
00:14:35,116 --> 00:14:39,908
♪♪♪
368
00:15:02,658 --> 00:15:05,574
♪ music brightens ♪
369
00:15:05,658 --> 00:15:10,616
♪♪♪
370
00:15:33,658 --> 00:15:34,658
[Jill]
Hello.
371
00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:37,783
Mrs. Zeckhauser, uh...
[sniffles]
372
00:15:37,866 --> 00:15:41,199
...um, you don't know me,
but...
373
00:15:41,282 --> 00:15:45,074
I'm your son Peter's, um...
374
00:15:45,157 --> 00:15:46,533
friend.
375
00:15:46,616 --> 00:15:49,282
♪ light music ♪
376
00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:52,282
♪♪♪
377
00:15:52,366 --> 00:15:53,449
Ho, ho, ho.
378
00:15:53,533 --> 00:15:56,700
Here...comes...
379
00:15:56,783 --> 00:15:58,574
- Santa Claus.
- [squish]
380
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:03,825
♪♪♪
381
00:16:03,908 --> 00:16:07,825
♪ choir singing
indistinctly ♪
382
00:16:07,908 --> 00:16:11,908
[baby crying]
383
00:16:12,032 --> 00:16:16,950
♪♪♪
384
00:16:17,032 --> 00:16:20,616
[crying continues]
385
00:16:23,282 --> 00:16:27,116
♪ choir's singing
grows louder ♪
386
00:16:27,199 --> 00:16:32,074
♪♪♪
387
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,116
[crying continues]
388
00:16:35,199 --> 00:16:38,783
♪♪♪
389
00:16:38,866 --> 00:16:41,825
[crying continues]
390
00:16:41,908 --> 00:16:43,991
Quick,
wake the other one up,
391
00:16:44,074 --> 00:16:45,950
and let's see
if they'll harmonize.
392
00:16:46,032 --> 00:16:47,282
♪♪♪
393
00:16:47,366 --> 00:16:48,491
[cell phone chimes]
394
00:16:57,491 --> 00:16:58,408
[sighs]
395
00:17:14,991 --> 00:17:16,866
[Mr. Pickles]
I am listening.
396
00:17:16,950 --> 00:17:18,616
- [footsteps approaching]
- I am listening.
397
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:21,533
Are you...
looking for me?
398
00:17:24,950 --> 00:17:27,157
No one left a plate
of cookies for Santa.
399
00:17:27,241 --> 00:17:28,658
[oven beeps]
400
00:17:28,741 --> 00:17:31,366
[cookies sizzling softly]
401
00:17:31,449 --> 00:17:32,491
[sniffs]
402
00:17:32,574 --> 00:17:33,741
Mmm.
403
00:17:37,866 --> 00:17:40,700
So...
404
00:17:40,783 --> 00:17:42,700
did you tell your mom
405
00:17:42,783 --> 00:17:44,825
about me buying
the house next door?
406
00:17:44,908 --> 00:17:46,116
Why did you buy it?
407
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:50,700
At the time,
it seemed like...
408
00:17:50,783 --> 00:17:52,449
a romantic gesture,
409
00:17:52,533 --> 00:17:54,574
to be closer to you guys.
410
00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:57,032
Because I love you guys.
411
00:17:57,116 --> 00:17:59,241
That's why I've done...
412
00:17:59,324 --> 00:18:01,866
everything I've done.
413
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:06,032
Were you ever a sniper
in Lebanon...under Reagan?
414
00:18:06,116 --> 00:18:08,116
I would have been 16.
415
00:18:08,199 --> 00:18:09,741
Didn't answer the question.
416
00:18:10,783 --> 00:18:12,574
Shit, that's molten lava.
417
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:15,032
You okay?
Please don't use a bad word--
418
00:18:15,116 --> 00:18:17,074
Wait.
419
00:18:17,157 --> 00:18:21,324
Only use a bad word
when no good word will do.
420
00:18:24,366 --> 00:18:25,991
I'm not gonna tell Mom
what you did.
421
00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:29,157
I will.
422
00:18:31,366 --> 00:18:32,825
It's important
to be honest.
423
00:18:34,199 --> 00:18:37,199
[exhales]
I like seeing you two together
424
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:40,116
more than I like
seeing you apart.
425
00:18:40,199 --> 00:18:42,116
♪ Perry Como's
"There is No Christmas ♪
426
00:18:42,199 --> 00:18:44,408
♪ Like a Home Christmas"
playing ♪
427
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:48,950
♪ There is no Christmas ♪
428
00:18:49,032 --> 00:18:52,991
♪ Like a home Christmas ♪
429
00:18:53,074 --> 00:18:55,449
♪ With your dad and mother ♪
430
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:58,533
♪ Sis and brother there ♪
431
00:18:58,616 --> 00:19:01,032
♪♪♪
432
00:19:01,116 --> 00:19:03,616
♪ With their hearts
humming ♪
433
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,449
Fire in the hole!
434
00:19:05,533 --> 00:19:10,282
♪ At your homecomin'
and that merry...
435
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:13,032
What do you think?
436
00:19:13,116 --> 00:19:15,241
Breakfast first...
or presents?
437
00:19:15,324 --> 00:19:16,908
I don't know.
438
00:19:16,991 --> 00:19:19,658
I'm gonna call the hospital
and check in.
439
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,324
But after that?
440
00:19:21,408 --> 00:19:23,241
I'm not sure we have time.
441
00:19:23,324 --> 00:19:25,116
There's always time
for Christmas.
442
00:19:25,199 --> 00:19:28,408
♪♪♪
443
00:19:28,491 --> 00:19:31,074
I didn't really have time
to go shopping last night,
444
00:19:31,157 --> 00:19:33,700
so you're mostly getting things
I found around the house.
445
00:19:33,783 --> 00:19:35,449
This is for you.
446
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:36,700
[whispering]
It's a lamp.
447
00:19:36,783 --> 00:19:38,866
Ah, yes, this must have
really set you back.
448
00:19:38,950 --> 00:19:41,032
Bulbs too!
Big spender.
449
00:19:41,116 --> 00:19:43,366
Wait'll you see
what I got for you.
450
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,783
♪ ...oh, that's the time
of year ♪
451
00:19:45,866 --> 00:19:48,866
♪ All roads lead home ♪
452
00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:51,658
Cool!
Is it a bicycle?
453
00:19:51,741 --> 00:19:53,491
Did you peek?
454
00:19:53,574 --> 00:19:55,574
- [laughs]
- [dog whines]
455
00:19:55,658 --> 00:20:00,574
♪♪♪
456
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:04,533
[roaring]
457
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:07,282
[munching]
458
00:20:07,366 --> 00:20:11,783
♪ La, la, la, la-la ♪
459
00:20:11,866 --> 00:20:15,825
♪ La-la-la, la, la ♪
460
00:20:15,908 --> 00:20:21,324
♪ La-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la, la-la, la-la ♪
461
00:20:21,408 --> 00:20:25,074
♪ Merry Christmas,
merry, merry Christmas ♪
462
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:29,032
♪ Christmas bells,
Christmas bells ♪
463
00:20:29,116 --> 00:20:33,074
♪ Ringing loud and strong ♪
464
00:20:33,157 --> 00:20:36,741
♪ Follow them, follow them ♪
465
00:20:36,825 --> 00:20:40,825
♪ You've been away ♪
466
00:20:40,908 --> 00:20:43,157
♪ Too long ♪
467
00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:44,866
♪ Too long ♪
468
00:20:44,950 --> 00:20:49,408
♪ There is no Christmas ♪
469
00:20:49,491 --> 00:20:51,700
♪ Like a home-- ♪
470
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:54,991
[cell phone chiming]
471
00:20:55,074 --> 00:20:56,616
- [chiming stops]
- [Jill] Hello?
472
00:21:00,074 --> 00:21:02,366
[door clicks open and shut]
473
00:21:02,449 --> 00:21:05,074
Was it the hospital?
474
00:21:05,157 --> 00:21:07,700
[Dr. Hernandez]
Ma'am, your son suffered
475
00:21:07,783 --> 00:21:10,116
blunt-force trauma
to the lower abdomen,
476
00:21:10,199 --> 00:21:12,408
resulting
in a hepatic hemorrhage.
477
00:21:12,491 --> 00:21:14,908
His liver's bleeding.
They can't stop it.
478
00:21:14,991 --> 00:21:17,408
Please let
the doctor talk.
479
00:21:17,491 --> 00:21:19,908
She's not family.
Continue.
480
00:21:19,991 --> 00:21:21,116
She's right.
481
00:21:21,199 --> 00:21:22,866
He needs a new liver
within two days,
482
00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:24,491
or it will fail,
483
00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:26,157
and then there's nothing
we can do.
484
00:21:26,241 --> 00:21:28,324
- What about a donor?
- That's the next ask.
485
00:21:28,408 --> 00:21:30,157
We could try a donor list,
486
00:21:30,241 --> 00:21:31,908
but I'm afraid that won't work
with our time frame.
487
00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:34,199
Peter's best hope
is in this room.
488
00:21:34,282 --> 00:21:36,241
If you're a match
and wish to donate
489
00:21:36,324 --> 00:21:37,783
a healthy portion
of your liver,
490
00:21:37,866 --> 00:21:39,074
the risks are there,
but it's, uh...
491
00:21:39,157 --> 00:21:40,908
well, it's the only thing
to do.
492
00:21:40,991 --> 00:21:42,574
What constitutes a match?
493
00:21:42,658 --> 00:21:45,032
We'll take you into a room,
ask you some questions.
494
00:21:45,116 --> 00:21:46,282
You'll need to have
the same blood type
495
00:21:46,366 --> 00:21:47,658
or be a universal donor.
496
00:21:50,491 --> 00:21:52,491
- I'll volunteer.
- Me too.
497
00:21:52,574 --> 00:21:54,741
You'll need relatively
the same body type and build.
498
00:21:54,825 --> 00:21:56,449
Same gender is a big plus.
499
00:21:58,616 --> 00:21:59,866
Hmm.
500
00:21:59,950 --> 00:22:01,908
Looks like I fit the bill.
501
00:22:02,533 --> 00:22:05,157
- Oh, thank you, Bart.
- It's not an issue, Mom.
502
00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:08,491
Jesus said to His disciples,
"When you give," not if.
503
00:22:08,574 --> 00:22:10,366
That's a very noble thing
you're doing.
504
00:22:10,449 --> 00:22:12,783
To think his first words
to you after 15 years
505
00:22:12,866 --> 00:22:15,116
will be "thank you."
Mm.
506
00:22:15,199 --> 00:22:18,116
I don't give for man's praise.
I give for God's.
507
00:22:18,199 --> 00:22:20,116
[Dr. Hernandez]
Oh, and you cannot have had
508
00:22:20,199 --> 00:22:22,324
an alcoholic beverage
in the last 72 hours.
509
00:22:22,408 --> 00:22:24,199
So if you'll follow me,
we'll sign some papers
510
00:22:24,282 --> 00:22:25,825
and get started.
511
00:22:26,908 --> 00:22:28,908
Uh...I can't.
512
00:22:32,282 --> 00:22:33,533
Every year
after you go to bed,
513
00:22:33,616 --> 00:22:36,241
Father plies us with a bottle
of Hungarian pálinka.
514
00:22:37,616 --> 00:22:38,991
We drink every drop.
515
00:22:39,074 --> 00:22:41,366
We bury the empty bottles
in the pet cemetery.
516
00:22:42,366 --> 00:22:44,032
Well, now your brother's
gonna die.
517
00:22:44,116 --> 00:22:46,074
Lillian, I'm sure there's
another viable candidate.
518
00:22:46,157 --> 00:22:49,491
- Why are you still here?
- Dad, what's pálinka?
519
00:22:50,282 --> 00:22:51,658
Dad?
520
00:22:51,741 --> 00:22:54,574
- [siren wailing]
- ♪ quiet music ♪
521
00:22:54,658 --> 00:22:59,408
♪♪♪
522
00:23:04,991 --> 00:23:06,825
[horn honks]
523
00:23:06,908 --> 00:23:08,324
[Jill]
Jeff.
524
00:23:08,408 --> 00:23:10,700
- [babies crying]
- I think we dropped a hat.
525
00:23:12,408 --> 00:23:16,199
Do you see it,
a little blue and pink hat?
526
00:23:16,282 --> 00:23:19,074
- [crying continues]
- [Jill grunts]
527
00:23:20,616 --> 00:23:23,032
Just leave the wheelchair
on the curb.
528
00:23:23,116 --> 00:23:25,074
Like a grocery cart.
529
00:23:25,157 --> 00:23:26,741
Someone will come get it.
530
00:23:26,825 --> 00:23:28,825
♪♪♪
531
00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:31,366
Let's go home...Dad
532
00:23:31,449 --> 00:23:36,116
♪♪♪
533
00:23:53,282 --> 00:23:56,241
♪ purposeful music ♪
534
00:23:56,324 --> 00:24:01,241
♪♪♪
535
00:24:12,491 --> 00:24:13,741
If you move him
to another hospital,
536
00:24:13,825 --> 00:24:15,741
he's still going
to need a liver.
537
00:24:15,825 --> 00:24:17,074
Aren't you still married?
538
00:24:17,157 --> 00:24:19,366
My husband and I
are separated.
539
00:24:19,449 --> 00:24:20,908
And isn't he also Mormon?
540
00:24:20,991 --> 00:24:22,991
Common misconception.
541
00:24:27,282 --> 00:24:28,408
Mm...
542
00:24:28,491 --> 00:24:30,741
may I please speak
to the two of you?
543
00:24:33,324 --> 00:24:34,866
Is everything okay?
544
00:24:36,533 --> 00:24:38,199
[exhales]
545
00:24:39,157 --> 00:24:40,533
[laughs shortly]
546
00:24:45,366 --> 00:24:48,616
Peter...
[breathing shakily]
547
00:24:48,700 --> 00:24:50,491
...didn't walk into traffic.
548
00:24:54,950 --> 00:24:56,199
Uh...
549
00:24:56,282 --> 00:24:58,533
I...
550
00:24:58,616 --> 00:25:00,032
[sighs]
551
00:25:00,116 --> 00:25:02,950
♪ dramatic music ♪
552
00:25:03,032 --> 00:25:07,366
♪♪♪
553
00:25:07,449 --> 00:25:09,449
...fucked up.
554
00:25:09,533 --> 00:25:13,616
[breathing shakily]
555
00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:18,658
♪♪♪
556
00:25:18,741 --> 00:25:21,700
[no audible dialogue]
557
00:25:42,950 --> 00:25:45,491
By the way,
558
00:25:45,574 --> 00:25:48,574
we are really huge fans
of your show.
559
00:25:48,658 --> 00:25:50,074
[Dr. Hernandez]
Before we can determine
560
00:25:50,157 --> 00:25:51,741
your viability as a donor,
561
00:25:51,825 --> 00:25:54,366
I need to ask you
a few questions.
562
00:25:54,449 --> 00:25:55,658
Why do you want
to do this?
563
00:25:55,741 --> 00:25:57,908
Because it's important
to do the right thing.
564
00:25:57,991 --> 00:25:59,449
- Are you a smoker?
- No.
565
00:25:59,533 --> 00:26:00,241
Do you take
recreational drugs?
566
00:26:00,324 --> 00:26:01,533
- No.
- Not even pot?
567
00:26:01,616 --> 00:26:02,616
No.
568
00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:04,324
Ah. Ha.
569
00:26:04,408 --> 00:26:07,241
And...when was the last time
you had a drink?
570
00:26:07,324 --> 00:26:09,032
♪♪♪
571
00:26:09,116 --> 00:26:11,282
June 21, 2003.
572
00:26:12,616 --> 00:26:14,408
That's amazing.
573
00:26:14,491 --> 00:26:16,533
How do you know
the exact date?
574
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:18,324
♪♪♪
575
00:26:18,408 --> 00:26:21,032
It was the day I was married.
576
00:26:21,116 --> 00:26:22,866
We're going to perform
some additional tests
577
00:26:22,950 --> 00:26:24,199
to confirm a match...
578
00:26:24,282 --> 00:26:25,157
[voice fading]
...and get you into surgery
579
00:26:25,241 --> 00:26:25,950
as soon as possible.
580
00:26:26,032 --> 00:26:30,282
♪♪♪
581
00:26:31,282 --> 00:26:34,282
[cell phone buzzing]
582
00:26:39,408 --> 00:26:40,866
Hello?
583
00:26:40,950 --> 00:26:44,408
[children] ♪ Hark!
The herald angels sing ♪
584
00:26:44,491 --> 00:26:48,199
♪ "Glory to
the newborn King" ♪
585
00:26:48,282 --> 00:26:50,408
- ♪ Peace on Earth... ♪
- [Dale] Mr. Pickles,
586
00:26:50,491 --> 00:26:52,241
this is
Lovetenant Dale Nukem
587
00:26:52,324 --> 00:26:53,324
from the Austin, Texas,
chapter
588
00:26:53,408 --> 00:26:54,908
of the Pickles Platoon.
589
00:26:54,991 --> 00:26:56,866
We wanted to wish you
a happy holiday season
590
00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:58,741
and a festive New Year.
591
00:26:58,825 --> 00:27:00,991
Oh, my...
592
00:27:01,074 --> 00:27:03,157
what talent!
593
00:27:03,241 --> 00:27:04,741
[Dale] And this is Noah.
594
00:27:04,825 --> 00:27:06,574
Noah earned the most
pickle points this year
595
00:27:06,658 --> 00:27:09,574
and gets to wish you a happy
holidays all by himself.
596
00:27:09,658 --> 00:27:12,241
[Noah] Happy holidays,
Mr. Pickles.
597
00:27:12,324 --> 00:27:15,324
Happy holidays, Noah.
598
00:27:15,408 --> 00:27:18,658
Have you been a good boy
this year?
599
00:27:18,741 --> 00:27:21,116
[Noah] Have you been
a good boy this year?
600
00:27:21,199 --> 00:27:22,783
♪♪♪
601
00:27:22,866 --> 00:27:25,282
[children]
♪ Christ, by highest ♪
602
00:27:25,366 --> 00:27:27,116
♪ Heav'n adored ♪
603
00:27:27,199 --> 00:27:31,282
♪ Christ,
the everlasting Lord ♪
604
00:27:31,366 --> 00:27:34,825
♪ Late in time,
behold Him come ♪
605
00:27:34,908 --> 00:27:38,866
♪ Offspring
of the favored one ♪
606
00:27:38,950 --> 00:27:42,533
♪ Veiled in flesh,
the Godhead see ♪
607
00:27:42,616 --> 00:27:46,700
♪ Hail the incarnate Deity ♪
608
00:27:46,783 --> 00:27:50,366
♪ Pleased as man
with man to dwell ♪
609
00:27:50,449 --> 00:27:54,449
♪ Jesus, our Emmanuel ♪
610
00:27:54,533 --> 00:27:57,950
♪ Hark!
The herald angels sing ♪
611
00:27:58,032 --> 00:28:01,741
♪ "Glory to
the newborn King" ♪
612
00:28:01,825 --> 00:28:06,741
♪♪♪
41615
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