Original subtitles

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience

and based on what actually happened to me.

So as your wedding planner, I took it upon myself

to come up with a few design concepts,

but it's your wedding.

This should be your vision.

Well, I was thinking...

The aisle is strewn with cabbage roses.

The music swells, the guests turn,

and on horseback, through a mist of dry ice,

here comes the bride's ex-husband.

What? I want your wedding to be

as spectacular as William and Kate's.

Yeah, well, William and Kate weren't upstaged by the queen.

Come on, Peter, we got a lot of things to finalize.

We got to put a deposit down or we're gonna lose the hall.

Oh, Mr. Peter.

Puse un arreglo floral muy bonito

en el cuarto de su hermana.

Gracias, Cesar.

All right, what's with the telemundo show?

What is it you don't want me to know?

Cesar?

Please tell her your sister's coming.

I can't keep a secret like you.

Oh, your sister's coming?

Oh, good, you told her.

I don't want that crackpot in my house.

Franny, come on.

Gary just finalized their divorce.

She is very fragile right now. She needs her family.

She needs shock therapy.

Well, fine, be that way. I'll tell her she can't stay.

Good.

For very long.

He-ere's Peggy!

- Mmm. - Ohh! Pegboard.

- Fran. - Peggy.

- My favorite sister-in-law. - Peggy.

? She was certain that he was her one and only ?

? But their union always seemed a little forced ?

? She got married anyway ?

? Turns out that he was gay ?

? They're still in love ?

? But now, she's Happily Divorced ?

oh, Peter, I didn't know you had a new latino lover.

Tres bien.

Who, Cesar? Oh, God, no.

Look, he just works here. He's not my boyfriend.

You're no Justin bieber yourself.

Oh, shoot. That's my therapist.

She's getting me through my divorce from Gary.

She's also helping me get rid

of all the toxic people in my life.

Hmm. Can I have her number?

Well, sis, the den is all set up for you.

Oh, geez, thank you, guys.

- This is swell. - Oh, good.

Well, if you need towels, they're in the hall closet.

I don't want her here.

Well, I can't just ask her to leave.

She just got off a 22-hour bus ride.

That's because she's on the no-fly list.

Peter, have you forgotten

that she tried to stop us from getting married?

Oh, here we go again.

Come on, you can't still be holding onto that, Fran.

I'm not holding onto anything,

I'll just never forgive her for as long I live.

Fran, just forget it. Look, we got married anyway.

Yeah, right after she said, "I object."

That was the rabbi's fault. He asked.

She never thought that I was good enough for you, Peter.

Fran, I owe her. When my mother died,

she practically raised me and my brother.

Please, don't start with that again.

Look, she cooked dinner for us every night,

even though she was too small to reach the top of the stove.

Not the little Peggy lovett story.

Little Peggy lovett.

Standing on a step stool,

stirring porridge for her poor, hungry brothers.

The little girl shouldn't have to work so hard.

God bless the poor child.

Oh, all right, she can stay.

Oh, thank you, Fran. Thank you.

Believe me, you won't even know she's here.

Oh, thank you, guys.

You know, I haven't been this happy since

Gary found that dead squirrel in his computer bag.

Oh...

Yay! Mwah!

Oh, Judi, what do you think if I did an all-white wedding?

Thinking you'll have to find another maid of honor.

Okay, so what song do you want me to sing

while you're walking down the aisle?

At last, hallelujah, or it's a miracle?

Ha ha.

- What? - What's with Peter?

Where is he? I have all these decisions to make.

He's my wedding planner. What am I paying him for?

You're not paying him.

Well, I'm getting my money's worth.

Oh.

Oh, my God, Judi mann, I have not seen you in forever.

You look amazing.

Thinner, younger, more beautiful than ever.

Thank you.

She ain't crazy.

Oh, Franny, we had the bestest day ever.

Yeah, we were down at the pier.

There's this honeymoon couple there getting a free lunch,

so this one starts telling everybody

that we're on our honeymoon.

And he was so convincing pretending to be my husband.

Well, he had 18 years of practice.

Uh, sis, could you give me and Fran a minute?

Oh, sure.

One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand.

Franny, I know I'm supposed to be helping you,

but listen, this trip is doing Peggy so much good.

She is just improving by leaps and bounds.

She's eating the flowers.

Okay, look, from this moment on,

I am all yours, and 4:00, we're gonna go cake tasting.

Just you and me.

Well, what is she supposed to do?

Well, if she's still hungry, the lawn needs mowing.

Welcome to "for goodness cake,"

the most delicious part of your wedding planning experience.

We have a full selection of...

You swipe it, you buy it.

Sorry.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Had to drop my sister at the Disney store.

She's trying on dresses for the wedding.

You invited your sister to my wedding?

Uh, cake helper person! Hi.

We have an appointment. This is Fran lovett.

Wait, aren't you Fran from "frantastic flowers?"

Well, yes, I am.

Did I do an amazing arrangement for you?

No, you broke up my engagement.

Of course, Jeremy.

- Yes. - Oh, hi. How are you?

Peter, do you remember Jeremy?

He was engaged to a woman, and I convinced them

that they weren't right for each other.

God, I was in such denial then.

- Aw, that's okay. - Oh.

Turns out I'm actually into older women.

Here's my new girlfriend, edna...

Mm.

And our cavalier king Charles spaniel.

Oh, how cute. How cute is that?

So should we start with the chocolate silk,

the decadent carrot, or the strawberry cream?

- Yes. - Okay.

Oh, Peter, I can't believe this is actually happening.

What is your sister doing here?

All right, all right, I left her in the car.

Must have forgotten to crack the windows.

Well, I don't want her

standing out there staring at us.

Franny, you know, you're absolutely right.

Peg, Fran wants you in here.

Mmm! Oh, yum!

Do not let me eat any of this, otherwise,

I'll never be able to fit into my little mermaid dress.

And here we are with the decadent carrot cake.

Oh, carrot cake.

Wow, this is such an interesting way to go.

The carrots are organic. I grow them for edna.

Her eyesight isn't what it used to be.

Mmm.

Oh, no. That's gonna be Joan. Oh.

Hello, miss Collins. Yes, I... I'm afraid I...

I'm stuck at the dmv.

Complimentary champagne?

Boy, have they stepped up their customer service.

Fran, if you need any help deciding,

I was in charge of a very elegant affair at

a highly regarded international restaurant in Ohio.

Yeah, well, as much as I'm sure your co-workers

at the house of pancakes enjoyed the Christmas party,

I got this one.

I totally understand.

Peter told me why you don't want me here.

- He did? - Mm-hmm. He did.

He said that you're very high-maintenance

and have control issues, so don't poke the bear.

Jeremy, this is the best carrot cake I've ever tasted.

I think this is the way to go.

- What? - No. Nothing.

Look, everybody liked the cake at my last wedding.

That's because it wasn't carrot.

Jeremy, I want the carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.

Hmm. Don't you think you're rushing into this,

which you do have a tendency to do?

Are you objecting to my choice,

which you have a tendency to do?

No. I just don't want your wedding to be a disaster.

Well, fine. Then why don't you rsvp "no"?

That is really hurtful,

just like all the Christmas presents I send

that I never get "thank you" notes for.

You never get "thank you" notes

'cause the boxes are always empty!

Thoughts! Thoughts are in there, Fran,

and that's all that counts.

Look, I don't want your thoughts

and I don't want your opinions.

You almost ruined my last wedding.

Yeah, and guess what? I was right. You're divorced!

Yes, we are, and that means

that you and I aren't related anymore,

so I don't have to listen to any of your crap!

I thought we were friends, but obviously, we're not,

and I didn't have any friends growing up

because I spent my whole childhood

taking care of my little brothers.

Please!

You didn't have friends because you bit people!

Jeremy, I want to order that carrot cake right now!

I just think you should try the chocolate.

Would you just...

Ah! Oh! Ah.

Oh. Oh!

I can't believe you just did that!

Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry. It was just an impulse.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, so is this! - Aah!

No!

Oh, my God!

What happened? Peggy, are you all right?

No, she's not all right. She's certifiable!

What the hell happened?

I'll tell you what the hell happened.

I ordered a carrot cake for my wedding

and she objected!

Fran, are we really going back there?

You have got to let this go!

I honestly don't know what happened, Peter.

We were just talking.

Talking?

Does this look like we were talking?

Franny, I told you, she is very delicate.

You have got to try to be sympathetic.

Well, she poked the bear!

And I am sorry, but I am done.

I don't want her in my house, I don't want her in my life,

and I certainly don't want you at my wedding!

Well, if you don't want her there,

you don't want me there either!

Well, fine. Don't come.

Cousin joshie will be my ring bearer.

That's $7 for parking and $3,200 for the cakes.

Are you serious?

You charge for parking?

Okay, you guys, I want you

to taste the wedding cake I chose.

Is there something you need to tell us, darling?

Peter's planning the wedding party.

The sister she can't stand shows up at the cake tasting.

Come on, it writes itself.

And I told her that I didn't want her coming to the wedding,

and then Peter said, "well, if she's not coming,

then I'm not coming."

I never dreamed that he would pick sybil over me.

Well, that's because you're an only child.

You don't know what it's like to have a sibling.

Well, whose fault is that?

Why didn't you ever have kids after me, anyway?

Darling, who could top you?

You were so much more than any two people ever deserved.

Oh.

Sweetheart, you're never gonna win this one

with the sister, she's blood.

That's right. Family comes first.

If Judi and I were drowning

and you could only save one of us, who would it be?

Well, ma, you've lived a very long life.

And she asks why we didn't have more children.

Sweetheart, bury the hatchet with the sister already.

You're marrying someone else.

More importantly, make up with my Peter.

Oh, you're right, ma. I can't even imagine

what the wedding would be like without Peter.

Oh, I can. It's gonna suck.

You have no taste.

You married a gay man. For God's sake, use him!

Oh, hey, Petey. Where's "pegleg"?

It's "pegboard,"

and she's still crying in my bathroom,

thanks to you. I'm worried sick about it.

My pills are in there.

Oh, Petey, she's not gonna o.D. On Propecia and beano.

Okay, well, I was on hold with amtrak,

and I found out there is a midnight train to Georgia,

which I'm not gonna take 'cause I live in Ohio.

Um, Peggy, come here. Sit down next to me and Petey.

I want to talk to you.

I just want to say I'm really sorry.

And what exactly are you sorry for?

I don't know, but my mother told me I have to apologize.

Well, I can't accept that apology

'cause it's not from the heart.

Okay, I'm sorry because I know that you're capable

of doing really bad things and I'm afraid for my life.

Oh, Franny, I accept.

Mm.

Oh, thank God. Now, come on.

Wasn't this whole thing just silly?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, it was.

It was.

I mean, the wedding was 20 years ago.

Yeah.

When you think about it, it was really kind of funny.

We stand together under the chuppah,

a canopy which symbolizes the home

that the new couple will build together.

I don't know, Fran. I don't know.

What? What?

I should've worn tails. I'm not popping.

I can't believe our little girl's bedroom's

going to be empty.

When does the treadmill come?

Thursday at 3:00.

If there is anyone who knows a reason

why this couple should not be married...

Peggy, are you okay?

I'm so sorry. Uh, pardon me. Please excuse me.

If there is anyone here who knows a reason

why this couple should...

Would you like a cough drop?

Or a tracheotomy?

I'm sorry, it's just... It's really dry in here.

You know, maybe we should do this another time.

What?

I just think you're making a big mistake. Sorry.

Don't make me take my earrings off.

Actually, it's not as funny as I remembered.

In fact, the more we're talking about it,

the more I'm feeling furious.

About what?

Well, Peggy, it's perfectly natural.

You know, Fran is still upset that you didn't like her

and you tried to stop the wedding.

Huh.

Peter, you know that's not why

I tried to stop the wedding.

- Shall I continue? - Please do.

Do you, Peter lovett, take Fran Newman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Don't go through with this. You're gay.

What?

What?

What?

Your sister told you you were gay at our wedding

and that didn't give you pause?

I don't remember that.

I really don't know what she's talking about.

Well, I don't know how you can't remember

something like that. That's huge!

I'm telling you, Fran, I just don't remember it.

I mean, there was a lot going on that day.

Your head was too big for that headpiece.

Well, Fran, you must remember.

Why would I remember what you whispered to him?

And do you, Fran Newman, take Peter lovett

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Don't go through with this. He's gay.

What?

What?

How does a person not remember that, Fran?

That's huge!

I don't know.

I mean, all I remember is that

she was whispering something in my ear.

Yeah, I remember her talking near me

and smelling like gummy bears and nyquil.

How could we hear something and not hear it?

I don't know. Maybe we didn't want to hear it.

Maybe you two were just blinded by love.

Just like Gary was almost blinded by that kabob skewer.

Welp, I gotta go pack.

After you've been gone for 48 hours,

security starts to notice.

Wow!

Yeah, I know.

I mean, that Jeremy, the cake guy,

I thought he was in denial, but look at us.

What if we had heard her?

Our lives, it would have been completely different.

- You know what, sweetie? - What, honey?

I'm glad we didn't hear her.

As much as I hate to admit it,

I'm glad too.

I just love you, that's all.

I love you too, Fran.

He's gay.

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