All language subtitles for Happiest.Season.2020.PROPER.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

♪

["Candy Cane Lane" by Sia
playing]

♪ Take a trip down
Candy Cane Lane with me ♪

♪ It's the cutest thing
I swear you'll ever see ♪

♪ It's the best,
so get dressed ♪

♪ I'll impress you with
the colors of the rainbow ♪

♪ Take a trip down
Candy Cane Lane with me ♪

♪ It's so magical,
let's go there in your dreams ♪

♪ It's the best...

TRUDY: ...so surprised when
he saw all those presents

under the Christmas tree,
and she was one of them.

Now, this house
was originally owned

by Herbert Flackshaw,

who started this tradition
on Candy Cane Lane.

He even hired his nephew Otis

to play Santa Claus
for many years,

until he was arrested
for child endangerment in 1992.

Ooh, you guys got to look
at this house.

This house is the site...

HARPER:

Are you having fun?

[laughing]:
Yes, I think this is cute.

It is. Yeah.

Oh, God, you hate it.

[laughing]:
No, I don't hate it.

Baby, I'm just not
a huge Christmas person.

I know, I know, but...
[groans]

how can you not like the lights
and the decorations

and the Christmas trees?

Fun fact: did you know

that Christmas trees
are responsible

for an annual average
of four deaths,

15 injuries

and a loss of $12 million?

[laughing]:
Okay, I get it.

-I think you made your point.
-[chuckles]

Thank you for trying to get me
to like Christmas.

I love that you love it.

I'm just so content taking care
of other people's pets

-when they're away
for the holiday...
-[gasps]

Come with me.

Wait, where are we going?

Do you know these people?

-What are you doing?
-No. Come here.

[grunts]
Still not clear on the plan.

Will you shut up
and follow me, please?

Come on.

[scoffs]

[Harper sighs]

Well, does this
do anything for you?

This is beautiful.

HARPER: I hate that you're
gonna be alone on Christmas.

I'm gonna miss you.

ABBY:
Hey, I'm gonna miss you, too.

HARPER:
We could just stay up here.

-I'd do that.
-[chuckles]

WOMAN:
Hey! I hear you up there!

-I'm calling the police!
-[gasps]

-Um...
-[gasping]

[both grunting]

-[sliding]
-[Abby grunts]

-Abby?
-Harper!

[screams] Oh, my God.

-Are you okay?
-Um...

I don't know.
Uh, what do I do?

Stay there.
I'm gonna get you down.

Okay. Yeah.

-Shit.
-Uh...

[gasps] Oh.

What are you doing out there?

-Harper!
-Are you peeping?

Don't you peep at me.

Oh, God! [yells]

-[air hissing]
-HARPER: Abby?

[groaning]

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I'm so great.

Here, here.
Yeah, yeah, come on.

We got to go. Come on.

-She's coming. Go. Run.
-Oh. Hey...

Yeah, you better run.

-Pervert.
-[laughing]

Who said you could
come downstairs?

Giddyap.

[both laughing]

[whooping]

[laughing continues]

[Harper sighs]

Come with me.

Where?

To my parents' house
for Christmas.

Oh, really?

I've got the pets to sit.

Oh, my God, get someone
to cover for you. [chuckles]

I want to...

wake up with you
on Christmas morning.

And if that doesn't
convince you to love Christmas,

I'll never bring it up again.

Deal.

-Yeah.
-Mm.

♪

["Jingle Bells" by Joy Oladokun
playing]

[in distance]:
♪ Dashing through the snow

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh

♪ O'er the fields we go

♪ Laughing all the way

♪ Bells on bobtails ring

-[door closes]
-♪ Making spirits bright

♪ What fun it is
to laugh and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight

♪ Oh, jingle bells...

Hi.

Hey.

Sit down.

What's going on in here?

I just woke up thinking about
going home with you and got...

very excited about Christmas.

Oh... baby, you don't...
you don't have to come with me.

-Well, I want to.
-No.

No, no, no, no, I...
[sighs]

I feel like I really put you
on the spot last night,

and I understand how you feel
about Christmas

because you lost your parents,
and you just don't have...

No, no, no,
I-I genuinely want to go.

Uh-huh.

I get to go meet the people
that made my favorite person.

Okay.

But who's gonna look after
all those pets?

John's gonna cover for me.

I know why you're worried.

But don't be.

I'm all in on Christmas.

[inhales deeply]

-Mm-hmm?
-Good.

Yeah.

ABBY: So, for the cat,
you can go every other day,

but the dog and the fish need
to be seen morning and night.

-Okay.
-Oh, and the apartment on Butler

has this weird lock,
so if you jiggle it,

it will lock, but you have to
make sure that you do that.

-Yes.
-What are you doing
on your phone?

I'm sorry, I left a gentleman
alone in my apartment,

so I'm tracking him
to make sure he leaves.

-You're tracking him?
-Yeah. I track everybody.

If the NSA can do it, so can I.

And he's gone.
Sorry, what were you saying?

I wrote it all down.

They're really specific
directions,

but if you need anything,
you can obviously call me.

Abigail, don't worry.
I'm responsible for

the careers
of dozens of authors.

I am more than capable
of taking care

of a few pets for two days.

It's... it's five days.

Five days.
That's what I said.

-WAITER: Refill?
-Hi.

And I sort of think I made

the right decision,
but at the same time...

What is Ultrasuede?

Ultrasuede is, like,
a water-resistant fabric.

Hello.

What are we doing here?

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm picking up.
My name's Abby Holland.

Oh, yes, of course.
Um, just wait right here.

I'll be right back.
Oh, enjoy some champagne.

Oh.

Thank you.

I love champagne.

Here we are.

-May I?
-Yeah, of course. Thanks.

There it is.

No.

Abby, you and Harper have
a perfect relationship.

Why do you want to ruin that

by engaging in one of
the most archaic institutions

in the history
of the human race?

Because I want to marry her.

Okay, you say that,
but what you're actually doing

is tricking the woman
you claim to love

by trapping her in a box
of heteronormativity

and trying to make her
your property.

She is not a rice cooker
or a cake plate.

She's a human being.

No, it's not about owning her.

It's about building
a life with her.

She is my person,

and I really want everyone
to know that.

I suppose that's one way
of looking at it.

So, when are you gonna ask her?

I was thinking of doing it
on New Year's,

but now that
I'm going home with her...

I understand this is
very old-fashioned,

but I'm probably gonna ask
her dad for his blessing

and propose
on Christmas morning.

I'm sorry,
ask her dad for his blessing?

["Jolly Old Saint Nicholas"
by Caveboy playing]

Way to stick it
to the patriarchy.

Really well done.

♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas

♪ Lean your ear this way

♪ Don't you tell
a single soul ♪

♪ What I'm gonna say...

ABBY:
God, I'm so excited.

I can't believe I'm finally
gonna meet everyone.

I mean, I haven't had a
family Christmas in ten years.

Also, a fact
you don't know about me:

I am actually very good
with parents.

Okay, there's something
that we should talk about

before we get
to my parents' house.

What is it?

Do you remember this summer

when I came out to my parents
and told them we were together

and they took it really well?

Yeah.

Okay, well, that wasn't
entirely accurate.

They didn't take it well?

No. No, no.

Um...

I didn't tell them.

I was going to,
and then Dad told us

that he was running for mayor,

and it just didn't feel
like the right time,

and then now he's trying to get
the support of this donor,

and our whole Christmas is
about impressing this person,

which is stressing my mom out

even more than usual,
and I just...

I know that if I tell them now,

their reaction
is gonna be colored

by all this other stress,

and I-I'm sorry,
I don't think that's fair.

To you or to us.

Then why did you invite me?

Because we were just having
such a special night, and...

and, fine, I got carried away,
but it's because I love you

and-and I want to give you
such a great Christmas.

You're off to
a really great start.

I'm so sorry.

So, who do they think I am?

My roommate.

They don't think it's weird
that you're bringing

your roommate home
for Christmas?

No, because I told them that
you had nowhere else to go

because your parents
are no longer with us.

I'm not going.

Look, this is actually
a really good opportunity

for them to see how amazing
and kind and smart you are.

You said it yourself,
you're great with parents,

so they're gonna meet you,

they're gonna
fall in love with you,

and then that'll make it
so much easier

when I do tell them.

Look...

I get it, okay?

I am asking a lot of you.

But I promise
I will tell them everything

after the holidays.

Okay, we can do this.

It's five days.

How bad can it be?

["Jingle Bells" instrumental
playing]

ABBY: Should I have some sort
of cover story or something?

HARPER:
Oh, no, no.

-Just be you.
-Okay.

I mean, but don't, you know,

say that we're together,
obviously, and, um...

you know, maybe don't mention
that you're, um...

-Gay?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I think, actually,

it might be better
just to avoid it.

But don't lie.

You're a very bad liar.

No, I'm not.

-Hi!
-Hi.

Wait.

-Mom, what are you doing?
-[camera clicking]

I started an Instagram feed

for your father to give voters
a peek behind the curtain.

Your mother's going viral!

[all chuckle]

TIPPER:
Hi!

BOTH:
Aw.

Look at you.

You get more and more beautiful
every single time I see you.

[laughing]:
Mom, stop.

Did you bring concealer?

Yeah. This is Abby.

Hi, Abby.

-[chuckles]
-It is so nice to meet you.

It's so nice to meet you, too.

Thank you for having me here.

It is nothing.

Harper's father and I
are always happy

to open our doors
to those in need.

Where is Dad?

-Uh, he's on a call.
-Oh, okay. Well...

-Harper!
-[gasping, yelling]

-Oh, Jane.
-[Jane laughing]

Oh, I have asked you
not to do that.

I know.
I didn't listen.

-JANE: Oh. Yay!
-HARPER: Oh.

I didn't think you'd be here,
but here you are.

Oh, I didn't want to wait
one more second

-to see my little sis.
-Oh, what's this?

-Oh, I was changing
the air filters.
-It's sticky.

Thank you, Jane.

Yeah, hi.
You must be Abby.

-Yeah. Nice to meet you.
-You, too.

Um...

I'm so sorry
about your parents.

HARPER:
Oh, no.

Uh, it-it ha...
it happened a long time ago.

You're so brave.

-ABBY: Oh.
-You don't need to be.

-Jane.
-Mom, can you just...

Okay. That's enough, Jane.

-Jane, too much. Too much.
-You're always safe with...

So, this is our living room.

Wow, that's a beautiful piano.

Isn't it?

Of course, I wish
my daughters had bothered

to learn to play it,
but it does look nice.

I took lessons for eight years.

TIPPER:
And this is the den.

You're sure Harry will be there
tomorrow night, right?

Perfect.

Oh, uh, Carolyn,
I'll call you later.

My daughter just arrived.

There she is, my perfect girl.

-Hi, Dad. [laughs]
-Oh, look at you.

-BOTH: Oh!
-[camera clicks]

-Hi, Dad.
-Jane, glad you're here.

The Internet has been
a little spotty.

Ugh, not again.

Oh, and this is
Harper's orphan friend.

-HARPER: Oh.
-This is Abby.

-Yes, of course.
-Hey, sir.

[sighs] Terrible.

There, there.

Harper, I read your piece
about that senator.

He's got to resign, right?

HARPER: Yeah, I think
it's just a matter of time.

-That was a good piece.
-Aw.

HARPER:
Thanks, Dad.

You know what was really good?

Um, the speech that you made at
the food bank on Thanksgiving.

Oh, thank you. You-you know,
that speech wasn't scripted.

I just... It just came to me.

You could tell.
I mean, you were very...

Okay, enough shoptalk.
Let's continue.

-Okay. Bye.
-TED: See you later.

And this is Sloane's room.

She's my eldest.

That's a lot of trophies.

Yes.

She was brilliant.

She and her husband Eric--

he graduated
top of his class at Yale--

were very successful attorneys,

but they gave it all up
to raise their beautiful twins,

and now they make gift baskets.

Which is great.

HARPER:
Mm-hmm.

What'd I miss? [panting]

Wow.

[sighs] I know, right?

Ugh, is it hot in here,

-or is it just him?
-HARPER: Okay.

-Yummy, yummy, yummy.
-Okay.

-No. Jane. No.
-Num, num.

HARPER:
Mom, I thought you were gonna

turn this room
into your office.

Men need offices, dear.

Oh, that is Harper's old
high school boyfriend Connor!

HARPER:
I asked you to put this away.

TIPPER:
You know, he's still single.

-Okay, Mom, stop, please.
-Mm.

Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?

No.

But I have.

'Cause... I have had many.

Um, but-but not too many;
an-an appropriate amount.

I actually just
went through a breakup.

-Oh, no.
-TIPPER: Abby.

[sighs]:
Yeah, with, um...

He was a...
he was a milk... man.

Okay, and I think
we'll just settle in now.

Okay. Well, we'll just
show Abby to her room.

What, is she not gonna
stay up here with me?

Harper, I would never ask

two grown women
to share the same bed.

-[laughing]
-Harper.

No, A-Abby will stay
in Jane's old room.

-Oh, I could show it to her.
-Okay.

I could take her down.
Let's go.

-Settle down.
-JANE: I'm settled!

-Okay.
-[door closes]

♪

Oh.

Your room's in the basement.

Oh, yeah.
I had night terrors.

They put me down here
so I wouldn't

wake everyone up.
[chuckles]

Behold. [chuckles]

Cool, huh?

It's very cool.

It's my room.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Really good.

-No, not you. No.
-Oh.

-Yeah.
-TIPPER: Thank you, Jane.

Why don't you go on home
and rest up

a little bit before dinner?

-Okay.
-[chuckles]

Don't have any fun without me.
[laughs]

-Yeah.
-Bye.

I'm sorry about all this mess.

What? No, this is so nice.

Better than your room
at the orphanage?

Oh, I-I wasn't in an orphanage,

'cause I-I was 19
when my parents died.

Oh. One of the lucky ones.

Well...

I'll let you settle in.

We leave for dinner at 6:45.

Okay.

Oh, there's no lock
on this door.

We had it removed
because Jane was always scared

that we would lock her in.

But don't worry,
you'll have total privacy.

Okay. [chuckles]
Thank you.

Okay.

♪ Nothing rhymes
with Christmas ♪

♪ Every poet knows...

-JANE: Milady.
-ABBY: Thank you.

Is this all right?

This is perfect, Colleen.
Thank you.

Oh, actually, I think we're
gonna need one more chair.

COLLEEN:
I'll have one brought over.

Oh, who else is joining us?

Hey, guys. How's it going?

[chuckling]: Connor!
How funny to see you here.

You told me to be here
at 7:00, right?

-Shh. Oh, wow.
-JANE: Hey.

TED:
Great to see you, Connor.

-Hey, Ted. How you doing?
-Great.

-Hi, Connor.
-Hi, Jane.

-Hi. It's been a minute.
-Hi.

-How are you?
-Yeah. Hey.

Connor, this is
Harper's friend Abby.

-Oh, hey. Connor.
-Hey.

-She's an orphan.
-Oh, um...

-Jane...
-I'm so sorry.

-CONNOR: I...
-What are you doing?

-She is.
-No, it's-it's...

It's all we have.

TIPPER:
All right.

Thank you.
Let's all take a seat.

[Harper sighing]

-Do you want to switch?
-No.

-No, this is perfect.
-Okay.

JANE: And then in the third
chapter, the Shadow Dreamers

discover that the gemstone

that they thought
was inside the gork

was actually stolen
by an evil floam,

which is sort of like a maggel

but with less arms
and more powers.

Oh, wow.

That's amazing. It really is.

Jane, I just can't believe

you're still working
on that book.

It's been like ten years.

Takes a long time
to build a world.

You know what I was
thinking about the other day?

I was thinking about that trip

that we took to our old house
in Jackson Hole

-when Harper got chicken pox.
-CONNOR: Oh, yeah.

CONNOR [laughing]:
Oh, God.

Harper told me this story.

Then you must know

that she very quickly
gave it to Connor.

-Yes, she did.
-[laughter]

-Very quickly.
-TED: The two of them

didn't leave the cabin
for the whole trip,

if I remember correctly.

Literally in a cabin
running a fever.

-TED: Yeah.
-Together.

-Together. Yep, yep.
-Really laughing a lot.

CONNOR: It was ground zero
for chicken pox.

Yeah. God, that was fun.
You know, I really,

-really loved going
on those trips.
-Fun.

-Well, we loved having you, son.
-That was lovely.

Should we go
to the ladies' room?

Oh, I... I would hate to miss
some of these stories.

No, we'll be quick.

-[chuckles]
-I am so sorry.

I had no idea
he was gonna be here.

I swear.

It's funny, I remember you
telling me that story.

I think you just forgot
to mention that Connor

-was also there.
-[sighs] I know.

I-I don't know,
he didn't seem like

an important part of the story.

Look, I'm gonna talk to my mom,
and I'm gonna make sure that

nothing like this happens
for the rest of the trip, okay?

You can be
totally honest with me.

Like, about anything.

Seriously, I can take it.

Okay.

Then you should know that
it is very difficult

to sit next to you at dinner
and not be able to kiss you.

Yeah.

No more surprises.

I promise.

-Riley.
-RILEY: Mm.

Harper.

Mm. Uh...

Sorry, um...

Riley, this is Abby.

-Abby is my...
-Orphan.

Roommate. We...

I am an orphan,
but we live together.

As friends, um,
like acquaintances.

-Oh, please stop.
-Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

So, I'm just gonna
sneak on by you guys.

Oh, God. Sorry.

Sorry. Just...

Was that the Riley?

Okay, that one
really wasn't my fault.

Well, who knows, maybe...

maybe another one of your exes
will bring out dessert.

-Okay.
-Oh, my God.

Harper, did you see
that the Bennetts are here?

HARPER:
Uh...

Yeah. We just ran into Riley.

Did you hear she's doing
her residency at Johns Hopkins?

I should have her look
at my mole.

No, um, I hadn't heard that.

It's very impressive.

Her parents must be proud.

And relieved.

I know. That lifestyle choice.

-[Tipper chuckles]
-TED: Mm. Such a shame.

Abby, what do you do?

Oh, I'm-I'm working on my PhD

in art history
over at Carnegie Mellon.

My parents were
professors there,

so I kind of wanted to follow
in their footsteps.

You know, before law school,

I took all the money I had
and went to Paris for a month.

Spent every day in museums.

That experience made me
the man I am.

That-that must have been
incredible.

What a dream.

It was.

Boy, Carnegie Mellon, huh?

Bet you could teach me
a thing or two.

-[chuckles]
-JANE: Should I go over there?

TED:
No, darling, no.

JANE:
I do think it's getting bigger.

-TIPPER: No.
-TED: Stay at the table, Jane.

♪

[knocking]

-Oh. You settling in okay?
-Hey.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're such a wonderful host,
so I'm great.

Thank you, Abby.

Thank you.

-Hi.
-Hi, sweetie.

Do you need something?

No, just to say good night
to Abby.

Oh.

Mom, do you mind?

Oh. [laughs]

I get it. Girl talk.

Okay, when you finish, um,

I want to give you a little
early Christmas present.

Ooh, okay.

-Night.
-TIPPER: Night, Abby.

[sighs]

Tonight wasn't the best.

Yeah.

But we got through it.

You know, you're right.

You are really good
with parents.

You think they like me?

Definitely.

You think they like me
as much as they love Connor?

Oh, no. No, no.

But they don't even really
like me that much, so...

[laughing]:
Oh.

-[Harper mutters]
-[laughing]

-I love you.
-I love you.

-[chuckling]: Stop it.
-[laughs]

JOHN:
The hell did it go?

Cheap freaking puzzle.

[cell phone vibrating]

Yeah, Abby, I'm in the middle
of something right now.

-Is everything okay?
-ABBY: Yeah.

I'm just checking
on the animals.

Oh, they're all good.

I walked the dog.

Fed him, fed the cats.

-All are well.
-What about the fish?

Uh, the fish are... Yeah.

The-the-the fish are-are...
Yes. Yeah.

But enough about me.

Have you managed
to get a man's permission

to take ownership
of an adult human woman yet?

Not exactly.

What's going on?
You sound tense.

No, I'm not tense. I'm great.

There's just one tiny thing.

Um...

Harper isn't out,

and her parents don't know
we're together.

Okay, you know what, I always
felt like something was off.

You can't go over a year
without meeting

your significant other's
parents.

Trust me, I have tried.

It's not that big a deal,
she plans on telling them
immediately after the holidays.

So, what,
her parents are believing

that their straight daughter
brought home

her lesbian friend
for Christmas?

No. [scoffs]

No. They also think that I'm...

that I'm straight.

Have they ever met a lesbian?

It's not so bad.

It's kind of fun
having a secret.

Yeah, I mean,
there's nothing more erotic

than concealing
your authentic selves.

I know it's not ideal. I...

But I-I know that it's what
she needs right now, so...

♪

[gasps]

Who are you?

I'm Abby.

Do you work here?

No, I'm H-Harper's friend.

SLOANE:
Kids?

Where are you?

Hey.

What are you doing in here?
Out.

MATILDA:
But that's our room.

Sorry about them. I'm Sloane.

MATILDA: Why does she get
to sleep in there?

-Hi. I'm...
-SLOANE: Because
she's a grown-up, sweetie.

...Abby.

SLOANE [in distance]:
Come. We're having breakfast.

[yawns]

Are you tired?

Not me. I like the morning.

But then I have something
meaningful to get out of
bed for, so...

KIDS:
Thank you, Mommy.

Snowman pancakes.

God, that's a lot of work
for something

that's just gonna turn to shit.

Oh, but that's kind of like
your law degree.

It must be freeing to be
so self-involved you don't

realize that's actually
not appropriate language

to use in front of children.

We got everything
out of the van.

-Thank you, honey.
-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, this is...
-Abby. I'm Eric.

-Nice to meet you.
-Mm-hmm.

A teaspoon of coconut oil--

add some nice moisture
to those hands.

Oh.

Yeah, thank you.

So, you and your sister
are pretty intense.

What do you mean?

-Freeze!
-ERIC: Ooh.

Don't move one more muscle
before I hug you!

-Hi, Jane.
-Oh. Oh, hi!

-Oh. Yay.
-[Jane laughs]

[Sloane clears throat]

-JANE: Hi, Eric. Hi.
-ERIC: Hi, Jane.

Hi, you guys. Hi.

Um... [chuckles]

Gosh, you're so big.

What are you, college students?

We're in elementary school.

Yeah. No, I-I know. I'm just...

You're just so tall, you know?

-Here they are.
-My babies.

Aw...

-Hi, Daddy.
-Did you get Harper's
article I sent you?

-SLOANE: I did.
-TED: Good, right?

-Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm.
-Uh-huh.

-ERIC: Ted.
-Eric.

-Good to see you.
-SLOANE: Hi, Mom.

TIPPER [chuckling]:
Hi.

-Morning.
-Morning, Abby.

Hey, girls, come here.

Just-just-just come over here.

-TIPPER: Just move a bit.
-TED: I cannot believe

I've got all my daughters
under one roof.

-Mm, mm.
-This is great content.

-Oh.
-Hold it. Hold it.

-And smile.
-TED: Hold on.

-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
-Got it.

Okay. I got to shower.

-Hey, big night tonight, girls.
-That's too much.

We're meeting a major donor
at the party.

Harper, I need you
to bring your A game.

-Got it.
-Dad, do you need me
to do anything?

Honey, no.

You just bring that beautiful
family and show them off.

Who knows?

These might be the only
grandchildren we ever have.

TIPPER:
And it is crucial

that we take
the family holiday photo

for the Instagram tonight,

so don't wear anything
that will strobe, Jane.

[Jane chuckles softly]

[Jane sighs]

Okay.

Who's ready to go ice-skating?

-Are you ready? [chuckles]
-No.

♪

Let me know if you guys
need any more room.

I can make myself real small.

So, Sloane and Eric, you guys
make gift baskets, right?

No.

We create curated
gift experiences

inside of handmade
reclaimed wood vessels.

Yeah, the vessels are gorgeous.

She has impeccable taste.

Oh, no, honey,
you have the eye.

-Aw.
-Mm.

That sounds great.

SLOANE: Yeah,
Gwynnie seems to think so.

Paltrow. Goop picked us up,

and sales have been
through the roof ever since.

[Harper sighs]

[lively chatter]

HARPER:

Hey.

-Are you sure you're okay?
-Yeah.

No, this is so fun.

Whoa.

Sloane, do you need a helper?

Please. I've always
skated circles around you.

[chuckles]
That was in your youth.

I mean, I've lapped you
like 12 times today.

-Like I'm even trying.
-Like it would even matter.

20 bucks says I can do
two laps in under a minute.

50 bucks says I can do three.

Let's do it. Jane, time us.

Oh, I'm actually
having fun just...

-BOTH: Jane.
-Okay, fun. Yeah.

No problem.

♪

JANE:
Ready?

Set.

-Go.
-[both grunt]

[chuckles]

-Move!
-No!

I love it when they do this.

-What are they doing?
-They're racing.

Ah, yeah.

-Jane, time!
-Oh, I forgot to press start.

-How long do you guys think...
-Don't-don't tell them that.

You need to take
a break yet, Sloane?

Huh, maybe you should just

-worry about yourself.
-Oh, yeah?

-[yelps]
-[man grunts]

-Oh!
-Ooh.

[chuckles]

-[yelps, screams]
-[man grunts]

-Mm.
-Ow.

ABBY:
Should we stop them?

ERIC: No, they'll tire
themselves out eventually.

[laughing]:
Yeah. That's right.

-That's the way it goes.
-HARPER: Whoo!

Get off me!

I love you guys. I love you.

HARPER:
No! You're such a cheater!

-Stop it! [shouts]
-You stop it!

Look, some of us were here
when you said to be here.

-Jane, is... that's
what you're wearing, right?
-Yeah.

All right. Harper!

Eric, can you make them
be still?

Wow.

It's my early
Christmas present.

Harper, please come here.

Honey, we're very late.

Ted, the family holiday photo

is an essential element
of every candidate's feed,

and if we cannot manage
to post one,

we do not deserve to have
that account at all.

-All right.
-That is so true.

Jane, get out of the middle.

-Oh.
-SLOANE: You have
to stand, honey.

Abby, would you mind
taking that?

-Yeah, not at all.
-Oh, thank you.

-Okay, here we go. Here we go.
-Around and face this way.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

Everyone say, "Christmas."

No, don't say that.

Just smile.

[camera clicking]

-Okay.
-[Tipper chuckling]

Ah, good. I can't wait.

Blurry. Boring.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Okay, none of these will do.

Uh, we will try again tomorrow.

-Thank you.
-HARPER: Where's Abby?

♪

[quiet chatter]

Ted, Tipper. [laughs, squeals]

Oh, I'm so glad you made it.

-Oh, mwah. Oh.
-Carolyn, you are a vision.

-TIPPER: Gorgeous dress.
-TED: Mwah.

Uh, you remember my daughters
Harper, Jane and Sloane.

Sloane's husband Eric.

Their children
Matilda and Magnus.

And this is
Harper's friend Abby.

CAROLYN: Charmed.
This is my assistant Levi.

Though, truth be told,
in a few years,

we'll probably all
be working for him.

[laughs]:
Oh, you're too kind.

-Oh.
-Is the white whale here?

Ah, indeed.
Let me take you over.

Oh, Harper, come with us.

Uh, Jane, uh, uh,
keep Abby company.

-You got it.
-Dad, should I come, too?

-I'll come right back.
-Okay.

-N-No, honey. Just,
uh, enjoy yourself.
-Great.

CAROLYN:
Now, Harry's tough.

Don't let her throw you.

I'm gonna take the twins
to the kids' club.

Please order me several drinks.

Yeah.

Come on, you guys.

Let's go play.

JANE:
Okay. Well...

looks like it's just us ladies.

JANE: Now, I don't know
about you, but I am single

and ready to mingle, so...

CAROLYN:
Harry.

-This is...
-Ted Caldwell.

-Ms. Levin, it is an honor.
-[Harry chuckles]

I am gonna leave you two
to get acquainted.

Okay. Thank you.

This is my husband Scott.

-We met on Bumble. [chuckles]
-TED: Pleasure.

And, uh, this is
my wife Tipper.

My daughter Harper,
who writes for the...

"Pittsburgh Post-Gazette."

-HARPER: Yes.
-Yes, I'm familiar.

You've read her work?

Yes.

♪

Hey, could I get a vodka neat?

Thanks.

You're new.

-Yeah, I'm just visiting.
-From where?

I'm really not interested in
meeting anyone tonight, so...

I am.

Oh, I'll have to
check out Goop.

Was that...
When was that one, again?

[quiet, indistinct chatter]

Are you enjoying the party?

Yeah.

That's great.

If my friend ditched me
at a party

where I didn't know anyone,

I probably wouldn't
have a good time.

Oh, no, sh-she didn't ditch me.

No, she's just
helping your dad.

Yeah, she's very helpful.

So, how long have you
and Harper been roommates?

I moved in like six months ago.

You moved in to her place?

Mm-hmm.

Isn't it a one-bedroom?

Technically, yes.

Yeah, well,
it was a one-bedroom,

and-and now that we have
converted the pantry

i-into my bedroom,
it's a two-bedroom.

Um, it's really spacious
in there, and it's...

I don't want to have
this conversation anymore.

No problem.

Being mayor is no small task.

However, it's a task
I am not only up for

but eager to take on.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I have a perfect record.

And do you know why?

Because I do my homework.

Last election,
I almost backed Dave Grady.

Dave Grady? Didn't his son...

Get arrested
for exotic animal smuggling?

Yes.

I'm telling you this

because I'm not just
looking at you.

This is a family affair.

Well, I can assure you,

this family has
nothing to hide.

[band playing upbeat tune]

-Hey.
-Hey. Hey.

Hi. Can I have a sip
of your drink?

-Yeah, of course.
-Thank you.

-Mm.
-You okay?

Mm-hmm.

I just needed
a bit of a breather.

Thank you.

KELLY:
Harper?

-HARPER: Mm!
-[squealing]

ASHLEY:
Hi!

[laughing]:
Hi.

You look incredible.

-As always.
-Oh, my God.

[exhales sharply]
You, too. God, guys.

Oh, um, this is
my roommate Abby.

And this is Kelly and Ashley.

-Oh, lovely to meet you.
-Yes.

-Nice to meet you, too.
-CONNOR: Hey, you guys.

Wow.

God, sorry, just seeing
the three of you

standing next to each other

takes me right back
to high school.

Minus the bad cafeteria food.

[laughing loudly]

You're so funny.

Uh, Harper, can I talk
to you for a second?

HARPER:
Um, yeah.

I'll just be a sec.

Am I crazy, or did you have
absolutely no idea

I was coming
to dinner last night?

-It was a surprise.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I thought so.

-Um, sorry about that.
-It's not you.

But, actually,
I'd love to do... that again.

Like, hang out again,
if you got time.

That sounds so nice, and, um...

and I just don't know, uh,
'cause it's so busy and...

-Yeah. Totally got it.
-Mm-hmm.

-No pressure.
-Yeah.

But that being said,
if you, you know,

and-and your roommate want
to get out and hang out,

-that'd be great.
-Abby. Yeah.

Abby. Yeah. Absolutely.

Hey, if she doesn't
sleep with him, then I will.

[giggling]

I'm just kidding.
I would never.

He's definitely still into her.

I know.

[cell phone vibrating]

[sighs]:
I should...

take this.

Hello?

JOHN: Did you know
that you're standing

in a country club
that didn't let women have

their own memberships
until the early 2000s?

How do you know that?

Um, I might be tracking you,

but it's for your own safety,
clearly.

What-what do you want?

I want you to break out

-of that closet.
-[camera clicks]

I am not in the closet.

I told you, Harper's gonna
tell her parents everything

right after the holidays.

You deserve to be with someone

who shouts their love for you
from the rooftops.

-That's very sweet.
-[toilet flushes over phone]

So stop being a doormat,
you fool.

Did you need something, or
did you just call to shame me?

I'm not shaming you.
I just think the choice
you're making is dumb

and you should feel bad
about it and yourself.

Also, I am loving these fish.

If I wanted to buy
the exact same one for myself,

where... where do you think
I would do that?

What?

You know what,
I think I should google it.

I'm gonna google it. Thanks.

Hey.

Oh, hey. Hey.

-How's it going?
-Great.

I was just taking a break
from diagnosing

everyone's mystery illnesses.

[Abby chuckles]

Hey, I wasn't trying
to eavesdrop or anything.

I was out there
before you came out.

You didn't see me, but, um...

I can relate.

Like, to what?

Nothing.

[clears throat]

Nothing. [inhales deeply]

[sighs]:
Okay. I'm gonna go back inside.

I'm sure my mother's
hairdresser wants to show me

her weird finger again.

-[chuckles]
-So...

I like your jacket. [sighs]

Okay. [shivers]

-[applause, cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you so much.

Will you all please
join me in welcoming

my dear, dear friend,

Councilman Ted Caldwell.

[cheering]

TED:
Thank you so much. Thank you.

Isn't this
the best time of year?

I mean, really.

I know we're all having
a great time tonight,

so I will be brief.

I've accomplished a lot
in my life,

and serving you on the
city council is right up there

with my most rewarding
life experiences.

But I'm ready for more.

[cheering]

These are turbulent times,

and the way I can ensure
depravity doesn't seep in

through the cracks
of our community

is by making sure
there are no cracks.

-[cheering]
-No cracks!

Look, our foundation is built
on family, tradition and faith,

and that is the only way
we will keep safe and strong.

I have loved being
your city councilman,

and I can't wait
to be your mayor.

Merry Christmas.

[cheering]

[camera clicking rapidly]

♪

[cell phone chimes]

[camera clicks]

[phone chimes]

[chuckles softly]

TED [on video]: ...the way
I can ensure depravity

doesn't seep in through
the cracks of our community

is by making sure
there are no cracks.

[cheering on video]

[distant door closes]

[on video]:
Look, our foundation is built

on family, tradition and faith,

and that is the only way
we will keep safe and strong.

♪

[TV playing indistinctly]

MAN [on TV]:
Um, for the chicken breast,

we were looking at
a quarter cup of honey,

and remember to use
local honey...

-[footsteps]
-[TV continues indistinctly]

[sighs]

[footsteps passing]

[phone chimes]

[gasps]

-Whoa.
-[whirring]

Shit. Shit!

Come on. Come on.

Nope. Shut up, shut up. Oh, no.

[clattering]

-ABBY: Oh!
-[screams]

Abby, what are you doing
in the closet?

I... Well, I guess
I must have been sleepwalking.

Oh, that is very dangerous.

I once took too many Ambien,

and I bought
a racehorse online.

-ABBY: Oh.
-TIPPER: Okay.

You need to go
back downstairs, Abby.

-Okay.
-Carefully.

-Yeah...
-Are you all right to do that?

Yeah. Oh, gosh, my phone, too.

-God, I-I was in such a daze.
-I'll get all this.

-Okay.
-Go on.

Um, I-I was...

You want me to come with you?

No, thank you.

I'm sorry about this.

-[gasps]
-[Harper growls playfully]

Oh, my God. [laughs]

How did you get down here?

When I saw that mess upstairs,

I knew my mom would be busy
for the next two hours.

What do you want to do
for two hours?

-I don't know.
-Hmm.

♪

Mm.

[footsteps in hall]

-[knocking]
-[both gasp]

-TIPPER: Abby?
-Shit.

Fuck.

TIPPER:
Abby, honey, are you okay?

Uh-huh. I'm-I'm-I'm okay.

[whispers]:
I can't believe I fell asleep.

TIPPER: Um, I think there's
something against the door.

Um, I'm just
moving it right now.

Sorry. It's heavy.

Morning.

Why did you block the door?

I-I didn't want
to sleepwalk again.

Well, sorry to barge in.

The twins usually
stay down here.

I'm just getting them
Jane's old Game Boy.

Morning, kids.

-Morning.
-Abby.

Honey, I'm headed
to the office,

but I wanted to let you know

I have invited Harry Levin
and her husband

to our Christmas Eve party.

What?

TED:
You heard what she said.

-[Tipper sighs]
-It's not just about me.

It's about our whole family.

And what is a better
representation of our family

than your Christmas Eve party?

It is legendary.

-Mwah!
-[Tipper sighs]

-Have a good day.
-You know I will.

TIPPER:
Can't even believe that.

That is two more people
on the guest list.

I basically have to reimagine
the entire party.

[sighs] Man.

Found it.

Okay, come on, you two.

Let's look at it.

[whispers]:
That was very, very close.

We shouldn't have done that.

Harper, we've been up
since 5:45 a.m....

-This is the last batch.
-...and the twins already made

-their own batch of cookies
and decorated them.
-No.

SLOANE: We're making these
for the party.

Okay, I'm off.

What? Where are you going?

Uh, Levi has a connection
with a local potpourri vendor.

He's gonna introduce us.

-Great. Right.
-Yeah.

Bye, babe.

TIPPER:
It just runs everywhere.

-Bye, kids.
-That's right. That's right.

KIDS:
Bye, Daddy.

Jane. Oh, my God.

-I'm just gonna do a button.
-No, no.

-You can't decorate these.
-But they have buttons.

Can you not? I'm trying
to have an even number.

Mommy, when are we
gonna see Santa?

Honey, I don't know
if we're gonna have time

to see him this year.
Jane, can you not?

Oh, take them
to see Santa Claus.

This could be the last year
that they see him.

Why? Is Santa dying?

-No.
-Are we dying?

No. Fine, I will take you.

I still need to get
a white elephant gift anyway.

-Did you guys get yours?
-Yes.

[chuckles]: Yeah, I'm making
something very special.

Uh, what is white elephant?

Oh, it's a gift exchange game
we do every year

-at our Christmas Eve party.
-Oh.

And I guess
you don't know what it is

because Harper forgot
to tell you about it.

-I'm sorry.
-That's okay.

I-I can run out
and grab one today.

Great.
So, you girls can tag along

with Sloane to the mall.

Oh. Actually, I told Dad
that I'd go to his office

and help him write his speech
for Carolyn's dinner tonight.

Yeah, I wish I could go,

but, um, I have to put
the finishing touches

on my Christmas gifts.

Guess it's just gonna be
you and me. Fun.

TIPPER: Well, just make sure
you're all back here by 4:00.

That's okay?

We are going to get
that Christmas photo tonight

before we leave for dinner.

-Yes.
-Yes.

[holiday music playing
over speakers]

Oh. Hey.

Hey.
Can you watch them for a bit?

I have to run an errand.
Um, Santa promised them

[hushed]: the complete works
of Sylvia Plath, so...

Is that all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Thank you.

Be good, you two.

♪

Hi, guys. Do you, um...

want to come over...

Want to... Come on.

♪

[chuckles nervously]

Why was Aunt Harper hiding
in your room this morning?

Uh, we were playing a game.

Like hide-and-seek?

Yeah, like hide-and-seek.

MAGNUS:
We love that game.

What do you guys think about
this white elephant game?

What gift should I get?
Can you help me?

How about this?

That is nice.

I was thinking maybe
something everyone might like.

Like, um...

I don't know, a scarf
might be good, actually.

Someone might want
to have that.

Seems Christmassy.

Oh.

Hey, come on. Um...

Hey, Carolyn.

Hey, it's good to see you.

I'm Abby. We met last night.

I'm Harper Caldwell's friend.

[gasps] Oh. Oh, yes.

[chuckling]:
Yes, of course.

Mm.

It's lovely seeing you.

Hey, I'm-I'm really looking
forward to dinner tonight.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Have-have a nice day.
I'll see you later.

-[alarm blaring]
-SECURITY GUARD: Hey! Ma'am!

-Oh, ma'am!
-We're gonna stop you
right there.

-Ma'am, put the bag
on the floor.
-Okay.

-Miss, put it down.
-Ma'am!

Put the bag on the floor
and slide it to me.

-You want to explain that?
-A-As I've said,

I did not put that in my bag.
There might...

-Oh...
-Oh, you didn't put it
in your bag,

but it ended up in your bag,

so this is probably just
a big misunderstanding.

Maybe it grew legs and then
it walked into her bag.

-[stammers]
-Did you check it for
legs, or...

-I haven't checked it for legs.
-You haven't done that.

I'm not suggesting
that it grew legs.

It's not looking good, sweetie.

Pittsburgh, huh?

Yeah.

What are you doing
down this way?

You pulling a job?

Jacking a roost?

-What was that?
-CRYSTAL: Yeah, hocking crank

and breaking bad?

I'm not doing
any of those things.

-ED: Smash and grab?
-CRYSTAL: Wow.

I-I didn't take this necklace.

I'm sure that you could
review some footage.

Aren't there cameras in malls?

Are you telling me
how to do my job?

-You're gonna regret it.
-No.

-I'm not doing any...
-Why don't you go ahead

-and do my job, hotshot?
-Good freaking luck.

-You're in charge now.
-Yeah.

-Can you believe...
-I'm gonna get her to sing.

-Go ahead. Go ahead.
-I'm gonna make
this little birdie

go tweet, tweet, tweet,
becau...

-Eugene.
-[Eugene stammers]

-Goddamn it. We're...
-What are you...

I heard there were
Cruffins in here.

No.

There aren't any Cruffins.

EUGENE: There's not,
or there were? Were there?

-CRYSTAL: No, we stopped
keeping food in here.

HARPER:
Dad, Abby would never do this.

SLOANE: Go get ready
quick, quick, quick,

because we're late now.

TED: This isn't
a conversation, Harper.

HARPER:
Please, Dad, just be...

TIPPER [hushed]:
Shh! Quiet.

-HARPER: Okay. I'm sorry.
-TIPPER: Oh, I know.

HARPER:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't do it.

Baby, I know.

But Carolyn thinks
it would just be better

if you weren't at the dinner.

Look, it's gonna be
so boring anyways.

You're lucky
you don't have to go.

Come here.

[sighs]

Can we hang out tonight
after the dinner?

My friends want to go out,
and-and we can go with them

or we can not go with them,
but...

I just think we...
we need a break

from the family.

-Yeah, s...
-[knocking]

Harper, we have got to go.

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Okay. [sighs]

-I'll see you later?
-Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

TIPPER: We weren't able
to get the photo again.

[door closes]

♪ Blame it on Christmas

♪ Why I'm out of control

♪ Oh, give me forgiveness

♪ For what's about to unfold

♪ 'Cause I just can't
keep my cool ♪

♪ While I'm tiding
all of this yule ♪

♪ Blame it on,
blame it on Christmas ♪

♪ Ooh, why I'm acting a fool.

Hey.

We meet again.

[chuckles]:
Yeah.

No Harper?

No, she's, um, with her family.

I-I'm gonna meet up
with her in a bit.

What'd you get?

Um...

Oh, I can't tell you

because it's for
the white elephant party.

Ah, you're going to that, too?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my family goes
every year.

It's, um...

God, it's the best party
of the year.

[laughs]

You know, I'm-I'm glad
I ran into you,

'cause I'm having
this thing where

if I stick my finger in my eye,

it, like, really hurts.

Yeah, I mean,
that's a classic case

of, um, contact stupiditis.

Um, because it's
a stupid thing to do.

-[laughs] Yep.
-Once you get to

the finger-poking stage,
you're-you're pretty much dead.

[sighs]

I'd really like to drink
some alcohol.

Do you know
where I could do that?

Yes.

♪

♪ What is Christmas?

-♪ Christmas is for caring
-[scattered laughter]

♪ What is Christmas?

♪ Christmas is for sharing

♪ What is Christmas?

♪ Can't you guess?

♪ Christmas is for ha...

♪ Penis

-RILEY: Yes, you are.
-I wish.

-Just tell me.
-I wish I had a story, like...

-Did you steal it?
-No.

And I still don't have

a white elephant gift,
on top of it all.

-You've got to get one.
-I'm trying.

I will help you with this.

I know a lot of places
that aren't malls.

That would be great.

♪ And when does
Christmas come? ♪

♪ And when
does Christmas leave? ♪

-[laughter]
-♪ It comes but never goes...

What did you mean last night
when you said you could relate?

That was just a comment
based on an assumption

that I was making
about you and Harper.

I think it's probably
an accurate assumption.

You don't have to talk to me
about this stuff.

I know it's weird, like...

So, what has she told you?

That you dated in high school.

That you were
her first girlfriend.

That's about it.

-Is there more?
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a little.

I mean...

Yeah.

Yeah, growing up,
we were totally inseparable.

We were best friends.

And then, freshman year,
we became more than friends.

We started dating.

But nobody knew that,
obviously.

And we would, like,
leave these little love letters

in-in each other's lockers.

And one day,
one of Harper's friends

found one of the letters,

and she asked Harper
wh-what it was about,

and Harper basically just said
that I am gay

and that I wouldn't
leave her alone.

And then within a couple days,

like, everybody in school
found out,

and everybody was
so awful to me.

I'm sorry, that's... I'm sorry.

Yeah, so the thing that
I can relate to is just

being in love
with somebody that is...

...too afraid to show the world
who they are.

But that was a long time ago.

Yeah.

-[music ends]
-[cheering, applause]

Thank you!

All right, that's enough.

And with this next song,

we're gonna need
a little help from you.

We're gonna ask you a...

-Question.
-...question.

And you are going to...

-Give us the answer.
-...answer.

-Yeah.
-[laughs] It's simple.

Here we go.

[applause]

♪ Who's got a beard
that's long and white? ♪

-We're gonna sing. Ready?
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

♪ Who comes around
on a special night? ♪

♪ Santa comes around
on a special night ♪

-♪ Special night
-♪ Special night

-♪ Beard that's white
-♪ Beard that's white

-MISS L'TEAU: Everybody!
-Whoa.

♪ Must be Santa,
must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa

♪ Santa Claus

-No. No, what? Oh, my God, no.
-What?

Oh, we're gonna get
a little more intimate now.

RILEY:
Yes!

♪ Who's got boots
and a suit of red? ♪

-[laughs]
-Oh... [laughs]

Come on, you want
to hear her sing, right?

-Yeah. Yeah, we want to
hear her sing.

-♪ Who's got boots
and a suit of red? ♪
-I'll help you.

♪ Santa's got boots
and a suit of red ♪

-Yeah, perfect!
-♪ Who's got a long cap
on his head? ♪

♪ Santa's got a long cap
on his head ♪

-♪ On his head
-♪ On his head

-♪ Suit of red
-♪ Suit of red

♪ Must be Santa,
must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa

♪ Santa Claus

♪ Must be Santa

-♪ Must be Santa
-[cell phone chimes]

♪ Must be Santa...

Um, I should...
I should close out.

It's... Harper texted me.

-Oh.
-Yes.

♪ Santa's got a beard
that's long... ♪

-[dance music playing]
-[lively chatter]

ASHLEY:
...of the square.

The guy at the top
of the square.

That's the business model.

It's brilliant.

Hi.

-Oh, Abby's here.
-Shots, shots, shots.

-You guys ready?
-How was... how was tonight?

-Shots!
-It was great. It was good.

All right, I think
I'm gonna grab a beer.

-No, no, no, no.
-No, Abby, Abby, hey.

Cannot be at this place sober.

-It's a... Ready? Cheers.
-Cheers.

-Eyes, eyes.
-Eyes, eyes.

Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes,

eyes, eyes, eyes,
eyes, eyes, eyes.

CONNOR:
One, two, three. Go.

-[music ends]
-Oh!

-Okay, I need some music.
-Did you have dinner?

-Come, come, come, come, come.
-ABBY: Yeah.

Wait.
Okay, I'll come right back.

[dance music playing]

Are you having
the most terrible time?

No.

No, I'm-I'm just tired.

-Okay.
-I'm really tired.

I think I'm gonna go.

Oh, no.

Uh...

[sighs] I kind of want to stay
a little bit longer.

Is that okay?

[laughter]

Yeah, you should...
Yes, of course.

-Yeah. Yeah, I'm just...
-Yeah?

-Are you sure?
-Mm.

Okay.

And you'll get home okay?

I won't be out late.

Okay.

Text me when you get home.

CONNOR:
Hey.

How about you?

You won't. You won't.

-She will. You won't. You won't.
-KELLY: You won't.

[over speakers]:
♪ Hey

♪ What are we doing?

[quiet chatter]

♪ Don't you remem...

CONNOR:
Well, that was fun.

Whew. Yeah.

-[Connor groans]
-[Harper sighs]

-I'm glad you came out.
-Yeah.

It's been a minute, you know,
since we've gotten to do this.

Like, since we...

Well, you know.

I've missed you.

No, it's nice to catch up.

Yeah.

[Connor takes deep breath]

Well, I'm that way.

-Oh, darn.
-Where are you?

I'm that way. [laughs]

-Good night.
-Good night.

-It was great seeing you.
-[grunts]

-[clears throat]
-[Harper chuckles]

[sighs]

Hey, Harper,
was there someone else?

What do you mean?

Is that why we broke up?

No.

No, I mean, I-I told you
that the long distance

just got too hard and...

The distance.
Yeah, I know, I know.

I know.

[sighs]

I don't know. Just...

kind of always felt like
there was something...

Kind of felt like
there was something

you weren't telling me.

♪

There wasn't someone else.

ABBY [whispers]:
Hey.

What's wrong?

Just making sure you're okay.

Why wouldn't I be?

I don't know, you weren't
answering me, so I was...

I-I know, but you-you knew
I was out with my friends.

Yeah, but, I mean,
I didn't know that

you were gonna be out
till 2:00 in the morning,

so I'm just checking on you.

Okay.

[chuckles]: I'm sorry.
I didn't know I had a curfew.

What is going on with you?

Nothing. I...

Nothing.

I just don't know why
you're keeping tabs on me.

-Keeping tabs on you?
-Yeah.

It just...

[sighs]

What?

It just feels a little...

suffocating.

I'm suffocating you?

Or not, but just...

Oh, I feel really suffocated
in the closet

-that you shoved me back into.
-Shh!

[hushed]:
You agreed to this.

Yeah, we were practically
already here.

Can you sh...

Please be quiet.

I was gonna... I...

♪

If I knew that part
of what I was agreeing to

was you hanging out with
your ex-boyfriend all night,

-maybe I wouldn't have.
-[sighs] God, Abby.

I just... I feel like
we just need some space.

You need some space?

Okay.

Abby.

-[footsteps stomping]
-Oh.

She is very heavy-footed.

Honey, I have a list
of party errands

that Jane has
volunteered to run,

but I don't trust her
to do them on her own,

so I need you to supervise.

Okay.

It's a long list.

HARPER [sighs]:
Okay.

[Harper groans]

No, no.

[phone vibrating]

Hey.

Okay, so I might have been

a little judgmental
when we last spoke.

You are in an unusual
situation, and as your friend,

I should have created
a safe space for you to share

without the threat
of criticism, so...

I'm sorry.

I am here.

No judgment.

What is going on?

Well, let's see.

I was arrested
by mall security yesterday,

and now Harper's entire family
thinks I'm a criminal.

And after spending
her entire night, like,

until 2:00 in the morning,
with her ex-boyfriend Connor,

she's acting like someone
I barely even recognize.

And I want to just get out
of here, but it would cost me

like a thousand dollars
to get a ride, and...

This is why I avoid Christmas.

It brings out the worst
in everything.

I-I know this isn't about me.
I just feel crazy, like...

Do I... It's...
Do I stick it out for two days?

It's-it's not that long.

But I don't know. I...

What would you do?

Uh...

Uh... uh...

I...

[quietly]:
Thank you.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna need
to give this a think.

I think.

Hello?

♪

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

[exhales sharply]

[sighs]

Hey, um...

Hey, it's Abby.

Are you... are you doing
anything right now?

Who's really gonna want
a mini doughnut factory?

Uh, this family.

I saw two of their cousins
get in a fistfight

over a quesadilla maker
at this party once.

-[cell phone chimes]
-Oh, yikes.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Thank you so much.
It looks so good.

I mean, it-it looks good.

["The First Noel"
plays softly over speakers]

JANE:
This is all for me.

[chuckles] It's not. It's not.

I'm just kidding.

It's for my...

And yes, we'll have...

Ready to go?

-[gasps]
-[bottles clatter]

[Harper sighs]

It's probably okay.

[grunts]

[Harper gasps]

[Harper sighs]

♪

Oh, do not put that there.

What do you think this is,
a barn party?

Hey, everyone,
please come down!

We are getting this photo
as soon as Jane gets here.

Honey, are you sure
this is the best time?

People will start arriving
any minute.

It's the only time.

[door opens]

-Hi, Abby.
-Hi.

Oh, where should I put
this white elephant gift?

I don't know. In the oven?

Jesus, Abby,
where do you think it goes?

Under the damn tree.

[sighs] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You probably never even
had a Christmas tree.

[sighs]
We do this party every year,

and every year, no matter
how early I start planning,

I just feel totally unprepared.

[sighs] And I can't find
my Christmas brooch.

Have you seen it?

You can tell me.

I won't be mad.

I just want to know it's safe.

I haven't seen it.

Okay.

Well, if it should magically
appear on my dresser,

there will be
no questions asked.

-Okay.
-Okay.

[sighs] Um...

Hey, Ted.

I just wanted to mention--

everything that
happened yesterday

was a complete
misunderstanding.

You know,
I would never, ever...

You-you don't...
you don't have to explain.

Let's just avoid
any further incidents, yes?

-Yeah. Yes.
-[door opens]

-Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas Eve.
-TED: Oh.

-[chuckles] Hey, Abby.
-Hey.

Look at what
this little elf brought in.

-[squeals]
-Wow. What is that?

This is my masterpiece.

Whoever picks it
is gonna be very pleased.

Oh, Jane,
I'm so glad you're here.

The printer's jammed again.

Oh, okay. I'm on it.

-Hey.
-Hey.

What'd you do today?

I just went and got
a white elephant gift.

Oh.

In town?

Yeah.

How'd you get there?

Has Jane arrived yet?

Yeah, Jane's
in Ted's office with him.

Jane, Ted, now!

Nice of you two to join us.
Where are the twins?

They don't feel like having
their picture taken tonight.

[Tipper sighs]

Harper, come with me.

♪

It's really a break
from traditional gifting

and a move into
the extraordinary.

The vessels are curated
for each individual.

-We'd be happy to
mindfully assemble...
-TED: Uh, S-Sloane

was on track to make partner
at her firm

before she left
to start a family.

She's our super mom,

Harper is our powerhouse,
and, uh, Jane...

i-is the only reason

the Internet ever works
in this house.

-[laughing]
-JANE: Aw.

I have a way with routers.

ERIC:
Excuse me, all.

Uh, the twins have prepared
a little song for you.

HARPER:
Oh.

[piano playing "Silent Night"]

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm...

What are you drinking?

Oh, it's a spiced... alcohol.

-Gross. Can I have some?
-Yeah.

♪ Mother and child...

-Mm-hmm.
-So, Plort is the leader
of the Shadow Dreamers.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-He's half human, half Quazzle.

He's got the eyes of a Verg
but the heart of a Zengle.

The Verg comes from

his mother's side,
generations back.

SLOANE: If you want
the spa package vessel,

-you could do
edible bubble bath.
-Excuse me, Sloane.

Uh, Harry wants
to meet the twins.

-I'll find them.
-Okay.

Excuse me.

You know? Thing is,
my parents were so attached

to me believing in Santa Claus

that even after years go by

and I stop believing
in Santa Claus,

and they knew that I stopped
believing in Santa Claus,

we just kept
that charade going.

Their investment in it
just made me feel

so bad for them, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Like, so bad for them that...

you know, that I eventually
just murdered them.

-That sounds fun.
-Mm.

Okay.

What is happening?

CONNOR:
Hey, you guys.

HARPER:
Connor, you made it.

-JANE: Hi. Merry Christmas. Hi.
-Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

-Good to see you. Hi.
-[Abby sighs]

-CONNOR: Merry Christmas.
-I don't know.

Yesterday,
I'd never felt closer

to another person
in my entire life, and now I...

I don't know her.

And I thought she loved me
and was happy, but I...

I-I see her here,

and she's so terrified
of what everyone thinks,

and it's just making me wonder
who the real Harper is.

You know?

Well, maybe they both are.

I was gonna ask her
to marry me tomorrow.

Um, I'm gonna get you
a real drink.

Okay?

[whispers]:
Abby.

Abby! [clears throat]

Sorry. What?

Um...

How are you here?

When are you gonna get this?

I have been tracking you.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.
[clears throat]

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Tipper.

-This is my home.
-Oh.

Are you the ex-boyfriend?

[clears throat] Y-Yes.

I am John,

Abby's heterosexual
ex-boyfriend,

and I have come
to get her back.

Mm. I see.

Well, it would've been nice
to have known you were coming,

but since you are here, enjoy.

Thank you so much.

Okay, I nailed that,
and she is fabulous.

What are you doing?

That phone call earlier
was a cry for help.

I'm here to rescue you.
Please get your things.

[sighs]

Is that the ex-boyfriend?

[indistinct conversation]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

I mean, I guess
he's handsome. I...

Can we please go?

♪

Harper.

It's over.

I'm done.

I'm just gonna...

Everybody,
please take your seats.

We're ready to begin
white elephant.

Abby. Hey.

Can we just talk for a second?

No. I got to go. I-I can't...

I can't do this
for you anymore.

But, uh, merry Christmas.

Enjoy your family,
and enjoy Connor.

What? What? No, I don't...
I don't want him.

I don't want Connor.

I want you.

Then what was that?

I don't know.

Why are you huddled
in a corner with Riley?

None of this has anything
to do with Riley.

This is all happening
because of you, Harper.

You not telling
your parents about us

is a choice that you made.

-It is not that simple.
-Do you know how painful

it's been to watch the person
that I love choose to hide me?

I am not hiding you.
I am hiding me.

Okay?

Our entire life,
we have been expected

to be these perfect,
golden children.

I mean, love in our house

wasn't something
we just got for free.

It is something
that we competed for,

and if we veered
off their course, we lost it.

I-I know it's messed up, okay?

I get it.

But they're my parents,

and I am scared that if
I tell them who I really am,

I will lose them.

And I know, if I don't
tell them, I will lose you.

I don't want to lose you.

Hey, come here. Come here.

-No, I don't want to lose you.
-No, no.

Look at me. Come here.
Look at me. It's okay.

-I don't...
-Hey, stop.

-I don't want to lose you.
-You're not.

SLOANE:
Matilda and Magnus...

TIPPER: If you want
a present... [laughs]

you better have a number.

[clears throat] 'Sup?

'Sup?

TIPPER:
Anybody else?

[chuckles]

You pump?

-I'm sorry?
-Weights.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

-You?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-What do you bench?
-[sighs]

Thousand. Thou-Thousand, plus.

TIPPER: All right.
Everybody have your numbers?

-SLOANE: Kids?
-Sloane, Sloane, Sloane!

-Hmm? Yeah?
-Can we just talk for a sec?

Oh, what's there to talk about?
You and Abby are in

a romantic relationship,
and you've been lying

to the family about it
for God knows how long.

Does that sound
about right, or...

Just, uh, please don't tell
Mom and Dad yet.

-[chuckles softly]
-Please, Sloane.

I'm telling them
after the holidays.

[chuckles]

Just rip it.

Please promise me
you won't say anything.

Now is just very bad timing,

and I'm telling them everything
after the holidays anyways.

Honestly, I feel sorry for you.

Mom and Dad are gonna be
so heartbroken

-when they find out
you've been lying to them.
-[clattering]

-Sloane, if you...
-[gasps] Wait. Kids?

-Found you!
-[gasping]

HARPER:
Oh.

Are you kidding me?

No one's supposed to know yet.

We had an agreement.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm not
the only one with a secret.

[Sloane screams]

-Wow.
-Yeah.

Yeah, that is...
that's-that's good mass.

-That is solid.
-Yeah. Thanks, man.

Oh, my God.
They all look so nice.

-Just choose, Jane.
-[chuckles]

Eeny, meeny, mi...

[laughs] I'm just kidding.

[grunting]

You have no idea what goes on

in other people's families,
so you need to just

keep your mouth shut!

You keep your mouth shut,
psycho!

-I should run. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Levi. [clears throat]
We should go.

JANE: Huh.
I wonder what this one is.

-Abby, get the Santa.
-[strained grunt]

-I mean...
-You stay out of this, Sappho.

I would.

[grunting]

I don't know what this is.

-It's big.
-[laughter]

-[grunting, screaming]
-Oh!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-[gasping]

Oh, gosh.

Here, help me out here.

What-what-what...
wh-what is this?

It's a painting of Main Street.

I made it.

I love that.

[clearing throat]

♪

No! No, no, no!

[screams] I'll kill you!

-[guests murmuring]
-I'll kill you!

-What are you doing?
-Girls!

What is going on?

Yeah, what is going on?

Harper, do you want
to tell them, or should I?

-Don't, Sloane!
-Why?

It's not good timing?

-[grunts]
-[guests gasp]

Girls, stop that this instant!

Come on, guys. Just hug it out.

BOTH:
Shut up, Jane!

Don't do this, Sloane.

All this because you're scared
to not be the favorite.

Pathetic.

Sloane, you're making a scene!

I am?

You think she's so innocent?

All of this is happening
because Harper is...

[guests gasp, scream]

[panting]

Harper is a lesbian.

Abby's her girlfriend.

She is lying.

I am not a lesbian.

Sloane is the one
that has this big...

♪

-[grunting in frustration]
-TED: No!

-[Harper screams]
-[guests gasping, shouting]

-Harper!
-[both screaming]

-Stop it! Goddamn it, stop it!
-HARRY: Oh, my.

JANE:
No!

Enough!

[both panting]

I put 100 hours
into that painting, and you...

you just destroyed it
like it was nothing.

It was something.

I am something.

And guess what.

I like myself.

And maybe you all don't
because I'm not fancy.

But whether you like it or not,
I'm a part of this family,

and I will not be
left out anymore!

-[screaming]
-No!

[guests gasping]

Stop it, girls!

-[groaning]
-Stop this right now.

JANE:
Guys, you keep ripping it more!

TIPPER: Kids, what are you
doing back there?

MAGNUS: Playing hide-and-seek
like Abby and Aunt Harper.

[sighs, sniffles]

[footsteps approaching]

[sighs, sniffles]

JOHN:
Abby?

[Abby groans]

Want to go for a walk?

Okay.

Come on.

ABBY:
My parents loved Christmas.

We would do all the stuff.

We would decorate and...

do the tree and watch, like,
every Christmas movie.

After they died,
I-I couldn't really

bring myself
to acknowledge Christmas.

JOHN:
Hmm.

The holidays were just
a huge reminder of...

them not being here.

So I really thought
maybe this year with...

with Harper and meeting
her family, you know,

that it would just
feel different.

[sniffles]

I don't...
I don't think that she...

loves me as much
as I thought she did.

Hey.

Harper not coming out
to her parents

has nothing to do with you.

[trembling]:
How could it not?

Remind me,
what did your parents say

when you told them
you were gay?

Um, that they loved
and supported me.

That's amazing.

My dad...

kicked me out of the house

and didn't talk to me
for 13 years after I told him.

Everybody's story is different.

There's your version

and my version
and everything in between.

But the one thing that all
of those stories have in common

is that moment right before
you say those words,

when your heart is racing

and you don't know
what's coming next.

That moment's
really terrifying.

And then once you say
those words,

you can't unsay them.

A chapter has ended,
and a new one's begun,

and you have to be
ready for that.

You can't do it
for anyone else.

Just because Harper
isn't ready,

it doesn't mean
she never will be,

and it doesn't mean
she doesn't love you.

[sniffles]

I-I want to be
with someone who is ready.

Mm.

You look great in this coat.

-Merry Christmas. Thank you.
-Thank you.

[quiet chatter]

RILEY:
Just wait for me in the car.

Great party.

Yeah.

You okay?

I'm so sorry.

[sighs]

Merry Christmas.

She's a really good one.

[chuckles]:
Yeah.

-Riley.
-Sloane.

I'm sorry.

Okay, come on.
Let's get you two to bed.

Thank you, Ms. Levin,
for coming,

and again, my apologies
for the spectacle.

I'll call you.

What the hell happened tonight?

Even as children,
you never behaved this badly.

I expected more from you,
especially you, Harper.

You know how this world works.

Reputation is everything,

and tonight
you jeopardized mine.

Jane, I know you-you just
wanted to be included.

It was really nice.

Sloane, making up lies
about your sister.

You're better than that.

At least you used to be.

Sorry, I'm-I'm just
getting my stuff.

Wait, Abby.

Wait.

[sighs]

Sloane wasn't lying.

I'm gay.

And I am in love with Abby.

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you guys sooner,

but I know how much appearances
and reputation matter to you,

and me being gay just didn't...

fit into the plan.

But I...

let myself hurt Riley...

...because I was so scared
that you would find out

I wasn't
who you wanted me to be.

And...

I still regret it.

I can't do that to Abby...
[chuckles]

[crying]:
...and throw away...

...our life together.

So I am done being scared,

and I am done keeping secrets.

I love you.

♪

Eric and I are getting
a divorce.

We separated a few months ago.

And the truth is
I didn't tell you

because, without my family,
I'm worthless to you.

We've spent our entire lives
trying to earn your love,

and I'm done, too.

I don't have any secrets,
but I am an ally.

[distant door closes]

I'm gonna go.

Wait. No, no.

[sighing]

I did it.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.

Uh, it's just too late.

♪

[sobs softly]

[takes deep breath]

I have always wanted
to try karate,

even though I know
it's not elegant.

I hate flowers.

I see what you're doing.

We have been so worried
about seeming perfect.

But maybe we don't even know
what perfect is.

We have one daughter

who has been unhappy
in a marriage

and felt like
she couldn't tell us,

and another daughter who...

[crying]:
just had her heart broken

because she was afraid

we wouldn't love her
if she told us the truth.

And... [sniffles]

the only reason
that Jane is okay

is because we gave up on her

after she wouldn't stop
biting in preschool.

[takes deep, gasping breath]

That is...

very far from perfect,
if you ask me.

Thanks.

I'm really sorry.

I know.

Me, too.

And, Jane, I...

I'm so sorry
about your painting.

It was really beautiful.

It was.

Thanks, guys.

He just needs a little time.

JOHN: Okay, listen
to these ingredients:

maltodextrin,

autolyzed yeast extract,

artificial colors--
Red 40 Lake,

Yellow 6 Lake,
Yellow 6, Yellow 5.

Because all of the yellows
taste so different.

You know, I am disgusted
at the poison

these corporations
try to pass off as food.

Who's watching the animals?

My therapist is taking care
of them, but we should have

a conversation about the fish
at some point.

What happened to the fish?

Let's look at gum.

Okay, so I just want to
preface this by saying that

nobody would disagree
that fish belong in the ocean.

-Correct?
-[horn honking]

Abby.

H-How did you even...

I tracked you. John taught me.

I just want to go home.

I know. I just...

Please, let me say this.

You are my family.

I mean, you are
the love of my life.

I was terrible.

And-and I wish that
I could undo everything,

but I promise you
I will make it up to you.

I will spend the rest
of my life making it up to you.

And I won't hurt you
like this again.

But please...

give me another chance.

I-I want to build
a life with you.

Please.

And what about your parents?
I...

No, no, I...

I don't care what they think.

I only care about you.

If I have you,
that's all I need.

Be with me.

♪

[chuckles]

♪

JANE:
So, the Shadow Dreamers

were compelled
to rise up against Flanks.

JOHN: Because of the blatant
Thorfian rights violations.

Exactly.

Good morning.

-Hey, morning.
Merry Christmas.
-Hi.

-Morning.
-HARPER: Hey, Mom.

-Hi.
-Hi.

ABBY:
How'd you sleep?

Did he come down?

No, not yet.

SLOANE:
Everyone.

Go ahead, kids.

We put the necklace
in Abby's bag.

MAGNUS:
We're sorry.

Thank you.

Can we open our stockings now?

-Yes.
-Let's go.

[footsteps approaching]

Uh, I have sunk
almost all of our savings

into this campaign.

Because I thought, if I won,

you'd all be proud of me.

We're already proud of you.

We don't care if you win.

Yeah.

And the money doesn't matter.

When I sell my book,
I'll take care of all of us.

I love you, girls.

And I'm sorry
for making you think

that anything could ever
get in the way of that.

I want to do better,

and it will take time,
but all I want for you

is to find the same joy
and happiness

that you have given me,
no matter where it comes from.

[chuckling]

JANE:
Aw.

-TED: Mm.
-[women laughing]

["O Holy Night" instrumental
playing]

Whoa!

Smile. Smile.

-Aw.
-[camera clicks]

You didn't think
I knew how to do that,

-did you?
-I... It's impressive.

♪

-Hello?
-HARRY: Merry Christmas, Ted.

-Merry...
-I'll get right to it.

I like you.
I think you can win, too,

and not just this election.

-Thank you, Ms. Levin.
-Hold on. There's an "if."

Now, I don't know if Sloane's
revelation last night was true,

but if it is... [sighs]

and Harper can adopt a
"don't ask, don't tell" policy

regarding her private life,

I think we could
be in business.

What do you say?

Well?

It's not gonna work out.

Oh.

We'll figure something out.

TIPPER: Great,
so... Wait, come over here.

-Where am I?
-You move there.

-TED: Yeah, okay. Okay.
-TIPPER: Hi, honey. Right.

Um, Jane,
you get in the middle.

Yeah.

-[chuckling]
-Right there.

John, would you mind?

Oh, I would be delighted.

Okay.

Abby, what are you doing
way over there?

-Get in here.
-Come on.

[laughter]

Okay.
Everyone say, "Christmas."

-No, don't say that.
-[Abby laughs]

["Make You Mine This Season"
by Tegan and Sara playing]

[camera clicks]

♪ Somebody broke your heart

♪ Under a Christmas tree...

JANE:
"Once they cross Corvall Chasm,

"they will enter
floam territory.

"The Shadow Dreamers know
they might not all make it out

"with their Krindoll intact,

"but the entire Thorfian race
rests on their shoulders.

"They look to each other
and then into the darkness.

It is Glank who takes
the first step."

[cheering]

Here you go.
Thank you so much for coming.

MAN:
Thank you.

-JANE: Bye.

-Hi.
-We'll meet you there?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Okay.
-Yeah, you bet.

-That was awesome.
-Bye.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Oh. Two at a time.
-Oh.

-Aah!
-It's an onslaught.

♪

♪ Make you mine,
make you mine this season ♪

♪ Bells ring out
on the street ♪

♪ Snow falling at our feet

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Lights glowing in the trees

♪ Will you dance with me?

-♪ Have I been good enough
-[Sloane laughing]

♪ To ask for your love?

♪ You're the only girl
I've got on my list ♪

♪ I write your name,
I know it's foolish ♪

♪ But I chase the feeling
'cause you keep me dreaming ♪

♪ That I could make you mine,
make you mine this season ♪

♪ I put a star
on the top of my tree ♪

♪ I just want to
make you mine ♪

♪ Its light is gonna lead you
straight to me ♪

♪ I just want to
make you mine. ♪

[song fades]

♪

[music ends]