Original subtitles

so

[Music]

you are so cute

in 1948 when my brother randall was born

everyone said he was the most beautiful

baby in the world

he was my parents third child and he was

supposed to be the last

they believed they had it all the

requisite three pretty children

the big old house they bought in

seattle's north end on a tree-lined

street

perfect house for a perfect family

[Music]

that is a beautiful little boy

[Music]

my mother was immersed in the kids my

father's career was flourishing

and most important they had each other

i love you i love making love to you

i love every part of you and i always

will

[Music]

my parents became charter members of her

circle of new friends

thank you

it was 1950s family life right out of

the magazines

weekends were filled with parties

cocktails and a lot

of children

[Music]

they must have been so happy that fourth

of july i can almost hear my mother's

shout of laughter

delirious silly a child and a woman at

once

and see my father with this camera

taking roll after roll of family

pictures

there are certain moments in life when

everything changes

look at the king isn't he darling what a

beautiful

child the picture my father took of

randall that fourth of july captured the

moment when my parents lives changed

forever

i didn't really understand how

completely that moment affected my life

until 1983.

by then my parents were divorced and my

own marriage was in trouble

i fled home to seattle to my mother's

loft downtown

i don't know i i don't know if we're

separated well

i'm not being manipulative when i think

of you i taught you i don't know

i don't like this any more than you do

no i'm not enjoying this

listen i've spent the last four years

understanding how you feel

will no listen to

will hello

nina you all right yeah

sorry mom okay that's sorry

blinding music

seattle girl wins photography prize i

remember that

i didn't know you'd kept all this stuff

you're good why wouldn't i

rest is just family stuff i don't have a

moral fiber to look at it

it all seems so simple looking at this

20 20 hindsight makes everything look

simple

but life justice isn't like that

you should call him you know he's still

your father

i had been avoiding my father and knew

he would tell me why

he's a psychiatrist when i was young

shrinks were taken seriously

they were like priests of the mind

even as a grown-up i still dreaded his

quiet impartial analysis of us all

i think she's alone too much i worry

about her

so why don't you call her

she doesn't want to see me knees how do

you know that dad

besides you don't have to see her you

could just call her to talk

there's got to be somebody do you know

any men she could go up

no i don't you shouldn't talk that way

about mother not to

yeah me i'm sorry

time for a break darling

mimi my name is nina

by 1983 my parents had been divorced for

several years and my father was about to

marry tony baker

our old neighbor meanwhile they were

living in sin

well they're riveting they really

got your attention but it's it's a

gimmick isn't it the

technique well that's all technique is

really gimmicks learned and perfected

thanks for the critique i'm sorry pete i

didn't mean to be dismissive i think the

work is very fine really

it's just uh just what

well this photograph reminds me of the

one i took of randall

look at the king isn't what he darling

child yeah but what's wrong with him

why doesn't he move it was the first

time i

i'd let myself think that there was

something wrong with randall

what i remember most was the relief

letting go the denial

there's nothing like lydia or mac

but the pediatrician said that they were

precocious and

randall was normal he was so

placid and we were busy

your mom had her hands full just doing

the ironing took a day and

i was involved in my work and i

guess we were just pleased to have a

quiet baby

didn't you think he was strange oh

einstein didn't talk until he was three

and i thought randall might be like that

you know what his first word was

umbrella

perfectly enunciated

i guess what i'm what i'm trying to do

here is to

apologize for my reaction to all this

who just brought it back so clearly

and the fact is that they changed my

life

and your mothers i'm sure it did

i started her journal that day

you might like to take a look at it

i'd like it back when you're finished

thanks

oh nini wait wait i've got some coffee

cake for your mother i know she doesn't

like to cook yeah

thanks and don't forget we have our

hearts set on you doing the photography

for the wedding

oh i don't know if i'm gonna be able to

make it oh you can spend another month

laney would love the company i want all

the children to come

max tending bar and sarah's playing the

fiddle

uh liddy's going to be coming yes and uh

mary's going to come whether she's had

the baby or not

say yes you can't let us down well i

don't know i'll talk to mother about it

all right thanks a lot quite welcome bye

good morning

july the 6th 1950

randall is two he never asks the name of

anything

he never points hugs feeds himself

he never says mama or data

are not responding to others

[Music]

no reaction to loud noises isolates

himself at every opportunity

dr bettelheim's theory of autism that

the mother

rejects the baby before it is born and

after birth

unconsciously rejects the child is

unacceptable

delaney she refuses to be apart from r

even though to be apart from her is the

only hope

for his recovery

[Music]

laney pregnant again she will not

discuss the possibility of a second

autistic child

i suggest termination no response

that was me

hell in denial impossible to reason with

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

okay

laney found this journal

all hell broke loose how dare you write

about us as though we're your damn

patients

thar did this elle said that i was just

trying to organize my thoughts that's

all i

i never mad at dr bettelheim's theory on

autism

unacceptable to al you're damn right

it's unacceptable

i'm amazed you take him so seriously

given your low opinion of psychologists

lainey dr bettelheim is the head of the

orthogenic school

he is doing breakthrough work with

emotionally disturbed children and his

book is

a theory and a very convenient theory if

you happen to be the father of a

disturbed child since bethlehem blames

the mother

i didn't want randall i rejected randall

before he was born

and now he has to be sent away because

i'm the cause of what's wrong with him

you son of a [ __ ]

you blame me for rattle because god

knows you don't want to blame yourself

it couldn't have anything to do with you

you bastard

[Music]

our fourth child born a girl

seems normal elle wants to name her

nina i am unsure

[Music]

this morning randall kept repeating shot

from guns shot from guns

shot from gowns

taking a look at the traffic report for

the seattle area this morning captain

building kbf

sky mobile reports the two vehicles 509

at 128.

coffee oh thanks there we are

nina mary sarah dad's little pictures of

health

the extras the last straws

i warned him you'd understand that one

day really

what did he say and the truth shall set

you free

the truth was that after randall was

diagnosed my parents went ahead and had

three more children

me then mary and when baby sarah came

home from the hospital in 1954

the family was complete

six children the neighbors set in

disbelief as though my mother was some

sort of neurotic rabbit

or my father couldn't keep his hands off

her

let's go see mommy

[Music]

are you all right of course i'm all

right darling i'm here

aren't i you think the hospital would

let me go if i was sick

see the baby hi hi penny

[Music]

beautiful

[Music]

a sister home for you penny looks like

we have some work to do here before

santa shows up

she looks just like mary mrs e

except now mary's my big girl

david for the christmas tree ornaments

in the nativity scene

i couldn't find them it's two hours

right penny

here you go

you're welcome bye guys you'll be good

now

merry christmas same to you penny

they're in the basement david in

grandma's box

it'll only take a second to find them

yeah i'll i'll look for him tomorrow

okay

you want something to eat no thanks

honey let me get you something to eat

it's christmas eve david

okay i'll do it no

i'll do it after i fet the kids i'll

feed them if you just

would you look after the baby for a

minute children

another girl four of us and one of you

two randall doesn't count he does soul

count

oh it's ugly ugly ugly happy

shh i'll make mom cry

liddy come and help please

i sure hope i get a chemistry set nina

come on

randall

mac i'm mac say mac

you're randall say randall mac

randall mac wendy

she brought forth her firstborn son and

wrapped him in swaddling clothes and

laid him in a manger

because there was no room for them

and they were in the same country

shepherds abiding in the

field keeping david no

he won't stop he's as much right as

anyone to hear the christmas story i

want him treated the same

about the shepherds

where was i shepherd and there were

in the same country shepherds abiding in

the field

keeping watch over their flock by night

and lo the angel of the lord came upon

them

and the glory of the lord shone round

about them

and they were sore afraid

it's not like that lady i don't want to

wash my

hands with randall i love randall he's

my responsibility too i am thinking of

randall what's best for the whole

all i'm saying is it would be a lot

better for everyone if

randall went to the orthogenic school in

chicago

but so far it wouldn't be better for him

please lanny at least think about it

randall's as much our child as this one

is david

he deserves the same love and care and

attention as she gets

and if you don't want him then i'm sorry

but you are not sending him away

[Music]

we're listening to all of our holiday

favorites on this christmas day

from our family here at kbex your family

we wish you a very very beautiful

christmas okay

how was your night i heard you get up a

couple times she's sleeping now finally

oh god i think we should call her sarah

they'll be twins siri and mary just

please go on the left dummy

no they don't they go on the big plates

until we sit down

robert that is your grandmother's china

you're about to break

keep an eye on him for a while will you

sure you know dad i think i got the

chemistry set

one box feels like the right shape

that's so disgusting poking around

just for today may we have a moratorium

on the war with mac

mac it's christmas liddy

run upstairs and get nina mary dressed

will you darling

good girl

what's that mag go find out what's

happening with you honey

how come it's always me because liddy's

busy honey bun

mom the ornament was broke

broken not broke

oh my god david is it going to hurt

well the stitches aren't comfortable but

it won't be as bad as you think they'll

give you a local anaesthetic

will you stay with me dad of course i

will

the doctor didn't say no no

we're real busy so you may have to wait

a while i want you to keep this pad

pressed

tight until the bleeding stops can you

do that i expect so i'm a doctor

well thank heavens for small mercies

we'll have you home to your presents

quick as we can son thank you doctor

will they open presents without us

with your mom's christmas routine

exactly the way her parents do it every

year

no they'll wait what do you think

they're doing now

well let's see i like getting dressed

and uh liddy's on her third outfit and

it's still not right so she's going back

upstairs to get another randle's outfit

is

perfect and he's chewing on a sleeve

wishing your mother a loud ketchup on

clothes and mary and nina are wearing

each other's shoes

on the wrong feet and i've got two legs

sticking out the same leg hole

why don't they come dad don't mind mac

can't you sew me up well

i'm a little rusty at that stuff i might

slow your foot to your knee

and doctors aren't supposed to work on

their families you know

is that why you don't kill randall

well that's part of it but mostly it's

because there's only a few people that

know about

the disease that he has and it's a

different kind of psychiatric of the

kind that i do

if i'm a psychiatrist when i grow up the

white kind of psychiatrist

would they let me kill randle

that's a complicated question mac

we just don't know enough yet is he all

right

yeah he's all right what about you

tell me if anything was wrong there's

nothing wrong

i'm having a great time it's a christmas

adventure

i don't think you should be a doctor

because of randall meg

your mother and i are in charge of him

and we should be what you want

not worry about your brother i wish this

hadn't

happened today what day would have been

better

a school day i get to stay home or

wednesday piano lessons friday you

wouldn't have to put out the trash

damn my mother was scary when we were

small

she had this intense quality if she was

angry she was

really angry or she'd swoop down and hug

us incredibly hard

he never knew which way she was going to

go

thank you again for the chemistry set

this is the happiest day of my life

oh darling i hope all your days are as

happy as this one

well god bless us everyone

is that grace no darling that's dickens

we'll sing the doxology if lydia will

pitch us

like at grandma's just like at grandma's

[Music]

praise him

[Music]

[Applause]

praise

[Music]

ah

here

i'm sorry did you wake you know how he

hates the thunder

that's not the thunder what the train an

ambulance a police car we all know the

list

david i don't want to do this

fire fire

when's the last time he spoke no

david no

fellaini he needs more help than you can

give him

he has helped david he has help at

school and i work with him day and night

he's my responsibility i know you're

doing your best

oh and as usual that's not good but you

are responsible for his not getting help

from qualified people

is that all why do you do this it'll

make you feel saintly or something

i don't see why i should have to

sacrifice randall's sacrifice

the only thing is being sacrificed here

is this family

on the altar you've made of randall if

anyone's sacrificing this family it's

you david

on the altar of your psychiatric ego

violence in a newly admitted manic

depressive is unusual but we arrange

this just for you dr

mcgill we do say that humility makes one

more inclined to learn

there is another lesson to be learned

here we can all learn from the nursing

staff

about the management of patients thank

you dr evelyn that's very kind

all right gentlemen any questions yes

doctor i have one

what are the early indicators of

incipient violence

you tell me acting out on the manic

depressive

what do we know dr miguel any ideas

[Music]

the girls thought we should come up with

a name you know for the whole group

because we get together so often

so tony came up with it the houdinis

houdini the magician see every friday

night

we get together and escape from the kids

[Music]

the camping trip's been planned for

months daniel's touching on him

erica my sweet hmm where is your husband

i want one of freddy's famous martinis

ooh i make a mean martini myself

i'm sure you do but i want one of

freddy's is he upstairs

okay i'll take a look around david

freddy's not here let it go

you saw here i saw him with jane

freddy and jane you didn't know

well not until a minute ago i think i

will have one of yours

well i knew lainey wouldn't have put it

together but i thought you would have

guessed

any others having a fears i don't know

about

a couple of us

us i've been known to indulge

and uh

it's all right with gerald

sweetheart i wouldn't still be married

if it wasn't all right

gerald

david penny called randall's having a

tantrum i have to go home

you don't know you stay

you're having fun

besides i have some work to

he finish ride

don't touch me

[Applause]

there's no point pretending

you're tired of me is that it

i just don't feel desire for you

why

did i do

[Applause]

look

amazing love to use has come to mean

having another child

and those three little girls sleeping

upstairs

i'm living breathing decisions and i

wasn't privy to

they're your children no they're not

really yours

i wasn't consulted

ever since randall is diagnosed all

you've done is

have more babies

stop blaming me for randall

so far your medical profession has

diagnosed randall

as deaf as [ __ ] as schizophrenic

who knows how long the diagnosis will be

autistic maybe they're wrong about

randall

wrong about randall you don't know that

damn

you don't know that you don't know that

you know

you are very kind to them doctor

personality is always hard to accept

especially in the father

all those years of seeming

indestructibility and

strength yes would you sign this please

[Music]

when we were little we couldn't imagine

our parents going to the bathroom

or making love to each other much less

having an affair with somebody else

if my father was unfaithful we didn't

[Music]

know

[Music]

[Applause]

father called mother died

oh lady i'm so sorry

[Music]

it's all right lily i haven't even cried

i have to go to connecticut though

father wants the funeral in the summer

home

i have to open it up all right you wake

me up

scrambled or fried

[Music]

what'd she die of she was old honey your

heart gave out

i'm sad for grandpa he'll be all alone

macky's sad

too much eat your breakfast honey

don't you care doesn't anyone care

oh darling of course i care i'll miss

grandma too

mommy and mac are sad nina but they'll

be better soon

but you're not sad all you want is

breakfast

you make me sick i am so sad you pig

but not too sad to eat mac it's all

right if you don't want to eat but it's

okay for the girls

liddy would you go upstairs and see if

your daddy's done dressing the little

ones

no

[Music]

i was too young to know grandma very

well or to understand what death really

meant

i do remember that when we went to

grandma's house my mother was

transformed

suddenly we children must be quiet and

good

meet and tidy seen but not heard

grandma's house was meticulous and

orderly our house was chaos

and when mom left for grandma's funeral

the chaos at home didn't improve

this is the hard part putting in the

pins you see you have to be real careful

you don't stick them in

you gotta make sure the baby doesn't

move no matter what happens

nina nina what's the matter with you

what are you doing to him leave him

alone leave him alone do you hear me

how can you let them do that what are

you [ __ ] or something

stupid

[Music]

pictures have power because of what they

show and what they hide

photos can only remind the rest of us

what grandma looked like

the real memories of her are moms alone

yeah so so just just change it to

tomorrow i can't help it angela you're

just gonna have to cancel my 10 o'clock

i know you can't my nine o'clock now i'm

asking thank you angela

[Music]

hello tony hi david

i hope you don't mind i brought you some

chicken

hi randall well

we better get this off before it stains

you're a mess

[Music]

every parent leaves their child some

kind of legacy

it could be anything an old sweater some

embroidered linens or

even a pair of shoes that suddenly seem

much too large to fill

[Music]

david you won't believe this

mother left us the summer house isn't

that wonderful

think of the vacations we'll have hi

randall

who are you darling

oh it's so great to be home

no not that what about the movies then

i saw that last week i hate this show

oh i know him i don't care

no okay hey dad

uh no i don't think so

if that teacher talk to you one more

time about chewing gum and hi

you're home early you did all this today

uh-huh even

domesticated freud here

well he needed to be tamed the other one

scared randall

why two enunciations

and an enunciator

i don't know i like them both

this one's so peaceful the angel looks

kind and

mary looks so happy

[Music]

but in this one the angel looks angry

[Music]

seems afraid afraid to have the baby

i'll tape it i miss her so much

she always knew how to make everything

right she always knew what to do

[Music]

now you stopped trying to be as perfect

as you thought she was

[Music]

i asked you to watch him for an hour

while i went to the damn market

i could have choked to death you could

have killed your brother because you're

so irresponsible

i said oh sorry sorry isn't good enough

i trusted you and you let

you let him destroy the couch you let

him swallow half the fabric well at

least now you don't have to worry about

getting him to eat his dinner

my master of the silver lining

my mistress of the dark cloud

when i was growing up i wanted to be

different from my baby sisters

i wanted to be special unique

after years of trial and error i finally

found a way

i switched sides of the camera

great that was perfect

my parents thanksgiving party in 1963

was another one of those pivotal moments

when everything changes

liddy was home from studying music at

juilliard

the houdinis came out in force and even

mac managed to stay around for an hour

my sisters and i weren't invited but we

didn't let that stop us

every year i tried to come up with a way

of getting into the party as an adult

and that year was no exception come on i

got an idea let's go

hallelujah

[Music]

michael rode the boat ashore

hallelujah

the river is deep and the river

is white

you like that it's for the party tonight

i think it's pretty say

pretty pretty

michael the boat ashore

[Music]

how

oh i

love you so much

you do understand i know you do

[Music]

good evening mr daddy well my unexpected

guests the last straws

nina the pinter and the siri maria

goes back you extras after that now

dad yeah libby we need you to help tim

boss

hey bunny rabbit hi lily dads

needs how can we always treat me like

mary and sarah

i'm way more mature than they are why

can't i help like lady

well if you wanted to help you could

have helped all day instead of

playing until 10 minutes ago oh but

that's not

fair life's not fair to it's life just

isn't like that

but she gets all the good stuff she's

going to juilliard and i have to stay

here

i think you're a little young to go to

new york just now which means

but i do think you're old enough to go

back upstairs with your own inimitable

disgusted flounce

you and your gang of thugs can watch

from the stairs if you're good

i promise we'll be good can we have some

hors d'oeuvres and stuff like last time

good night means it was as always

a pleat and a treasure to talk to you

[Music]

um

[Music]

ah it's an earthquake the world's coming

to an end

i'm going out not a minute after 11

o'clock you hear me

[Music]

david i can't do this we don't

have to stop seeing each other

yes we do it wasn't supposed to be like

this

tony i want to be with you

i want to be with you too

don't mind me

[Music]

come on

[Music]

wait nina will you mac

dad no it's mac

[Music]

where is he gone

that's gone nina

[Music]

you