All language subtitles for Bill.Burr.Let.It.Go.HDTV.XviD-aAF1.eng

[quirky rock music]

¶ ¶

[cheers and applause]

>> ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT HERE.

OKAY, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I DIDN'T CURE ANYTHING.

JESUS CHRIST.

[laughter]

[bleep] LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT

AWARD OUT HERE.

[laughter]

[laughs]

I...I HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD

FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I'M JUST REALLY THINKING THE

WORST OF PEOPLE.

[laughter]

I REALLY AM.

YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE

ANIMALS--SOME OF THE ANIMALS I

SEE.

LIKE, I WAS IN THE AIRPORT THE

OTHER DAY, RIGHT?

I'M SITTING THERE WAITING FOR MY

FLIGHT TO TAKE MY LIFE AND

WATCHING THIS--WATCHING

THIS LADY.

SHE'S EATING EGG MCMUFFINS,

LIKE, PLURAL, AND JUST THREW,

LIKE, THREE OF THEM RIGHT DOWN

HER THROAT LIKE A PELICAN.

JUST, LIKE, RIGHT DOWN HER

GULLET.

AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE WIPED

HER FACE WITH THE BAG.

[laughter]

AHH, WITH THE BAG, NOT EVEN

LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST DO THE

CORNERS," AND, "AHHHH."

THEN SHE JUST KIND OF

STRAIGHT-RAZOR SHAVED.

JUST AN ABSOLUTE ANIMAL.

I SAW THIS OTHER DUDE.

HE WAS SO OUT OF SHAPE, HE WAS,

LIKE, TRYING TO ITCH HIS BACK,

AND HE COULDN'T REACH IT, SO HE

WALKED UP TO A SUPPORT POLE

THAT WAS HOLDING UP AN ENTIRE

FLOOR OF THE AIRPORT AND JUST

WALKS UP, AND HE JUST STARTS,

LIKE, RUBBING UP AGAINST IT

LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR.

JUST SITTING THERE.

JUST A [bleep] ANIMAL.

[laughter]

DUDE, I AM SO PRO-SWINE FLU,

IT'S, LIKE, RIDICULOUS.

I WANT IT.

WE NEED A PLAGUE.

I'M TELLING YOU, WE NEED A

PLAGUE.

IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN, AND DON'T BE

AFRAID.

IT'S ONLY GONNA--IT'S ONLY GONNA

KILL THE WEAK, YOU KNOW?

SERIOUSLY, PUT ON A SWEATER.

TAKE SOME VITAMINS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

JUST...

YOU'VE GOT TO LET MOTHER NATURE

DO HER THING, MAN.

SHE KEEPS TRYING TO HELP US OUT,

AND WE WON'T LET HER DO IT.

KEEPS TRYING TO THIN THE HERD,

AND EVERY SINGLE TIME, WE'RE

LIKE, "OH, GO DOWN AND GET YOUR

VACCINATION."

WHY?

WHY?

SO EGG MCMUFFIN LADY CAN BREED

WITH THE BACK FAT GUY,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN.

YOU'VE GOT TO LET HER DO IT.

SERIOUSLY, PLAGUE, IT'S LIKE

NATURE'S FOREST FIRE,

YOU KNOW?

JUST LET IT BURN OUT ALL THE

DEAD WOOD.

[laughter]

NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.

WE'RE THE ONLY--WE'RE THE ONLY

SPECIES THAT SAVES THE WEAK.

WE REALLY ARE.

LIONS DON'T DO THAT [bleep],

YOU KNOW?

A LION GETS A LITTLE THORN IN

HIS PAW, AND EVERYBODY'S,

"SLOW DOWN.

DO YOU HAVE AN EAR INFECTION?

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

DO YOU NEED SOME PENICILLIN?"

AND IT'S LIKE, "[bleep] HIM."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO TRAFFIC

ON THE SERENGETI.

[laughter]

THERE'S NOT A BUNCH OF LIONS

JUST STANDING THERE IN GRIDLOCK

LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep] IS

GOING ON UP THERE?

DUDE, GO.

JUST [bleep] GO."

AN HOUR LATER, YOU GET UP THERE.

THERE'S SOME HYENA LICKING HIS

BALLS.

LIKE, "OH, THAT WAS THE BIG

HOLDUP, RIGHT?

LIKE YOU NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE.

OH, BY ALL MEANS, SLOW DOWN

AND LOOK AT IT."

[laughter]

SO I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND, MAN.

I WATCH A LOT OF TV WITH HER,

YOU KNOW?

I JUST ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF

HER.

SHE LOVES WATCHING THE OPRAH

WINFREY SHOW,

AND I LOVE, LIKE, WATCHING HER

WATCH THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.

AND I WAIT FOR OPRAH TO SAY

SOMETHING STUPID, AND THE SECOND

SHE DOES, I JUST TAKE IT OUT ON

MY GIRL, BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.

[laughter]

NO, IT'S WHAT I DO.

NO, WE WERE WATCHING IT THE

OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW.

OPRAH'S ON THERE.

SHE'S INTERVIEWING SOME CLAM,

YOU KNOW, AND...

[laughter]

SHE'S GIVING HER THIS BIG,

RIDICULOUS INTRO, LIKE, "SHE'S

DONE THIS.

SHE'S DONE THAT.

SHE'S DONE THIS.

AND SHE DOES THE MOST DIFFICULT

JOB ON THE PLANET.

SHE'S A MOTHER."

AND CONTINUES ON, AND

IMMEDIATELY, I JUST LOOK AT MY

GIRLFRIEND LIKE...

YOU KNOW.

LIKE, "REALLY?

BEING A MOTHER IS THE MOST

DIFFICULT JOB ON THE PLANET?

OH, YEAH, ALL THOSE MOTHERS WHO

DIE EVERY YEAR FROM BLACK LUNG

FROM INHALING ALL THAT COAL

DUST."

[laughter]

DUDE, WOMEN ARE JUST CONSTANTLY

PATTING THEMSELVES ON THE BACK

ABOUT HOW DIFFICULT THEIR LIVES

ARE, AND NO ONE CORRECTS THEM,

'CAUSE THEY WANT TO [bleep]

'EM.

[laughter and applause]

NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

SO THERE'S JUST THIS TORNADO

OF, LIKE, MISINFORMATION.

"I HAVE THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB

ON THE PLANET."

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE DOING,

DRILLING TO THE CENTER OF THE

EARTH, SHAKING HANDS WITH THE

DEVIL,

EVERY TIME THERE'S A RUMBLE IN

THE GROUND, YOU'RE WAITING FOR

THE WHOLE THING TO COLLAPSE DOWN

ON TOP OF YOU SO THEY CAN WRITE

THAT FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU, YOU

KNOW?

OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE UP IN

THE SUNSHINE RUNNING AROUND

WITH A COUPLE OF TODDLERS

THAT YOU CAN SEND TO BED

ANYTIME YOU WANT ON SOME

SORT OF TRUMPED-UP CHARGES,

RIGHT?

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK

AND WATCH THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON

THE PLANET."

OH, YEAH?

I THOUGHT ROOFING IN THE MIDDLE

OF JULY AS A REDHEAD--I THOUGHT

THAT THAT WAS DIFFICULT,

BUT THESE MOTHERS ARE BENDING

OVER AT THE WAIST PUTTING DVDs

INTO DVD PLAYERS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

[laughter]

DUDE, ANY JOB THAT YOU CAN DO IN

YOUR PAJAMAS IS NOT A DIFFICULT

JOB, ALL RIGHT?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE 35 YEARS

OLD PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.

YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.

YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.

NO TIME CARD, NO TAXES.

YOU'RE OFF THE [bleep] GRID.

[laughter]

MAKING POPSICLE STICK HOUSES.

I MEAN...

[laughter]

"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON

THE PLANET."

OPRAH'S NOT EVEN A MOTHER.

HOW THE [bleep] WOULD SHE KNOW?

UNBELIEVABLE.

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

GRANTED, NEITHER AM I, BUT I,

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT KIND OF

BALANCES ITSELF OUT.

>> I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE

AT THIS AGE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE

BEEN AN ANGRY SON OF A BITCH,

AND I'VE GOT TO TURN THIS

AROUND, MAN.

I'M EMBARRASSED WITH MY--I DON'T

WANT TO BE THAT GUY.

YOU DIE AS THE ANGRY GUY.

THAT'S THE WORST DUDE TO DIE AS,

BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO

TRY TO THINK OF HAPPY [bleep] TO

SAY ABOUT YOU AT YOUR FUNERAL.

THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,

"HE, UH...

YOU KNOW, HE ALWAYS PAID HIS

BILLS ON TIME, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT,

YOU KNOW.

GOD DAMN IT, YOU GAVE THIS GUY

A BILL, HE PAID IT.

THIS GUY WAS A BILL-PAYING SON

OF A BITCH, IRONED HIS SHIRTS.

I--I GOT NOTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

ABOUT THE GUY.

HE'S JUST..."

NO...

NO, I NOTICED--YOU KNOW WHEN I

KNEW I HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM

WAS WHEN--JUST, LIKE, LITTLE

RANDOM THINGS.

LIKE, I WENT TO THIS PLACE

ANOTHER TIME.

I'M ON THE ROAD, AND I'M

ORDERING FOOD, AND I WAS DONE

ORDERING THE FOOD, AND THE GUY

BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED ME IF I

WANTED A COOKIE, RIGHT?

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I JUST HAD

THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST TO

BLAST THIS GUY RIGHT IN THE

FACE.

[laughter]

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE PARANOID,

BUT MY BRAIN WAS JUST SITTING

THERE GOING LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT

KIND OF A MAN ASKS ANOTHER MAN

IF HE WANTS A COOKIE?

THIS GUY THINKS YOU'RE SOFT OR

SOMETHING."

"OH, YOU WANT A COOKIE, HUH?

YOU WANT A COOKIE THERE,

CUPCAKE?"

WHO THE [bleep] IS HE?

HE DOESN'T [bleep] KNOW YOU LIKE

THAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAD THING

WAS, WAS I WANTED A COOKIE.

I WOULD HAVE LOVED ONE,

SITTING THERE WITH A BIG GLASS

OF MILK LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE A COOKIE, YOU

KNOW?

BUT I SAY IT.

I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.

YOU DON'T [bleep].

I SAY IT.

I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.

I BRING IT UP, AND IF YOU

BRING IT UP, YOU DO IT SUBTLE.

YOU DON'T JUST YELL IT ACROSS

THE RESTAURANT.

"YOU WANT A COOKIE, YOU PUSSY,

PUSSY, PUSSY?"

[laughter]

YEAH, SO THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED

I'VE GOT A...

[laughter]

ANYBODY ELSE'S THOUGHTS JUST

WAKE THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT?

YOU JUST WAKE UP.

"OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M

GONNA MAKE IT," YOU KNOW?

[laughter]

NO, YOU KNOW, MY BIG MOVE--

ACTUALLY, I'M A LOT HAPPIER

THAN I USED TO BE, MAN.

I [bleep] AROUND A LOT WHEN I'M

UP HERE, BUT I'M DEFINITELY A

LOT MORE HAPPIER.

MY BIG MOVE, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED

I WASN'T GONNA GO HOME FOR THE

HOLIDAYS.

THAT WAS A BIG THING.

I HAD TO.

THERE YOU GO, ONE GUY RIGHT

THERE.

YEAH, I HAD TO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT AGE YOU

DECIDED NOT TO, BUT I WENT HOME

AT 39 NOT MARRIED, NO KIDS,

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "THERE IS

NO WAY I AM GOING HOME AT 40.

THERE'S NO WAY.

THERE'S NO WAY."

PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN, LIKE, ASKING

QUESTIONS.

THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU WEIRD.

JUST LIKE, "SO YOU'RE JUST..."

[laughter]

"YOU'RE JUST GONNA TELL JOKES,

YOU KNOW?

TALK ABOUT DISEASE AND WISH IT

ON PEOPLE AND MAKE FUN OF

PEOPLE WHO LIKE CAKE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?

YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A

CUL-DE-SAC AND HAVE A COUPLE OF

KIDS AND GRADUALLY RESENT

EVERYONE AND THEN TAKE YOUR OWN

LIFE?

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT?"

[laughter]

YEAH.

NO, DUDE, I WOULD LOVE TO BE

MARRIED.

LIKE, IN MY HEAD, IT ALL MAKES

SENSE.

LIKE, I--YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BUT

IT JUST--IT SCARES ME.

WHEN I SEE MARRIED GUYS, I JUST

GET, LIKE, NERVOUS, MAN, THAT

I'M JUST GONNA BE, LIKE, THAT

STEREOTYPICAL MARRIED GUY, YOU

KNOW?

JUST, LIKE, A SHELL OF MY FORMER

SELF.

YOU KNOW, EVERY WEEKEND UP ON

THAT SILVER LADDER JUST SCOOPING

[bleep] OUT OF THE GUTTERS.

[laughter]

MY NEIGHBOR COMING OVER, YOU

KNOW.

"HEY, BILL, HOW'S IT GOING?"

"OH, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD,

PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, SUSIE KEEPS GETTING

BIGGER, YOU KNOW.

I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SHIRT FOR

11 YEARS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY

DREAMS, YOU KNOW.

I JUST LIKE COMING UP HERE

'CAUSE IT'S QUIET.

YEAH, I JUST STAND UP HERE

AND THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE

BEEN.

YEAH."

MY NEIGHBOR'S NOT EVEN LISTENING

TO ME.

HE'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOME

GARDEN HOSE HE BOUGHT AT

BROOKSTONE.

HE'S CONVINCED IT WAS DESIGNED

BY NASA.

"ACTUALLY, IT'S GOT TWO NOZZLES,

ONE FOR THE HOT AND ONE FOR THE

COLD."

REALLY?

IS IT LONG ENOUGH TO GO AROUND

BOTH OUR NECKS AND THE CHIMNEY

SO WE CAN TANDEM JUMP OFF OF

THIS?

THAT'S ALL I REALLY CARE ABOUT

YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GARDEN HOSE.

[laughter]

NOW, I KNOW I JUST SORT OF

MENTIONED KILLING MYSELF THERE.

[laughter]

I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT,

ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE I DID THAT

JOKE WHEN I WAS DOWN IN THE

BIBLE BELT, AND I WAS DOWN

SOUTH, AND THIS GIRL TOOK ME

REALLY SERIOUSLY.

SHE CAME UP TO ME AT THE END OF

THE SHOW, AND SHE'S LIKE,

"YOU'RE NOT REALLY THINKING

ABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT REALLY..."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO.

I'M JUST JOKING.

I'M JUST JOKING."

SHE GOES, "GOOD, 'CAUSE, YOU

KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN IF

YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH, YOU

KNOW, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A

[bleep], YOU KNOW?"

[laughter]

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T.

I JUST LIKE FREAKING OUT PEOPLE

THAT ARE THAT RELIGIOUS,

THAT HAVE A WHOLE LITTLE

CHECKLIST.

"[bleep] IF YOU DO THIS, YOU GO

HERE, AND IF YOU DO THAT..."

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

SHUT UP, YOU KNOW?

I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL

THOUGHT.

I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL

THOUGHT TO THINK ABOUT KILLING

YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?

I DO.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

ANYTIME I THINK ABOUT KILLING

MYSELF, IT'S NEVER OVER ANYTHING

BIG.

IT'S ALWAYS LITTLE THINGS.

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ME WANT TO

TAKE MYSELF OUT.

IT'S BIZARRE.

LIKE, IF MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP

WITH ME, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO

YOU.

I WOULD BE DEVASTATED,

DEVASTATED.

I'D BE LAYING ON THE GROUND

CRYING IN THE FETAL POSITION

FOR, LIKE, THREE DAYS, YOU

KNOW.

BUT, YOU KNOW, BY THE FOURTH

DAY, YOU KNOW, I'D RUB ONE OUT,

YOU KNOW, START PUTTING THE

PIECES BACK TOGETHER.

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO,

JOIN A GYM, LIE TO MYSELF THAT

I'M GONNA GET THE SIX-PACK BACK.

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, ALL

RIGHT?

BUT LITTLE THINGS.

I THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING

MYSELF, LIKE, A YEAR AGO ON

THANKSGIVING.

AND YOU KNOW WHY IT WAS?

IT WAS BECAUSE I SAID I WAS

GONNA MAKE A PIE.

THAT LITTLE STATEMENT MADE ME

THINK ABOUT TAKING MYSELF OUT.

THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

THIS IS BASICALLY THE DEAL,

RIGHT?

MY GIRLFRIEND'S AN ANGEL.

SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES THE

HOLIDAYS, SO IT WAS, LIKE, TWO

WEEKS BEFORE THANKSGIVING, SO

SHE'S ALL EXCITED.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

THANKSGIVING'S COMING UP."

I'M SITTING THERE TRYING TO

WATCH THE GAME.

"THANKSGIVING.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR

THANKSGIVING," RIGHT?

AND I STARTED FREAKING OUT.

LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK I HAD TO DO

ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING, YOU

KNOW?

I JUST THOUGHT I HAD TO, YOU

KNOW, NOT GET DRUNK AND BE

BELLIGERENT AROUND YOUR FRIENDS.

I THOUGHT I WAS FINE.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, I'M GONNA MAKE

A TURKEY.

I'M GONNA MAKE STUFFING.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

SO I PANICKED.

I'M LIKE, "I'LL [bleep] MAKE A

PIE."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A PIE.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HER GO

AWAY, YOU KNOW?

YOU EVER DO THAT?

YOU JUST AGREE WITH THEM

THINKING IT WILL MAKE THEM

LEAVE?

LIKE, "AWESOME, WHAT YOU SAID,

HIGH FIVE, [bleep] OFF,"

AND YOU GO BACK TO WATCHING THE

GAME.

YEAH.

NO, BUT IT TOTALLY WORKED.

IT TOTALLY WORKED, BECAUSE SHE

WALKED AWAY COMPLETELY EXCITED.

SHE WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, RAN

AWAY ALL EXCITED, AND I TOTALLY

FORGOT ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

TWO WEEKS LATER, THANKSGIVING

COMES UP, RIGHT?

SHE JUST WAKES UP.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

IT'S THANKSGIVING.

IT'S THANKSGIVING.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THAT PIE,

RIGHT?

YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A

PIE."

I WAS LIKE, "[bleep]."

I'VE GOT TO MAKE A PIE.

I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE GROCERY

STORE.

I'VE GOT TO BUY SOME FLOUR.

THEN I JUST STARTED THINKING,

"MAN, WHAT IF I JUST SLAMMED MY

HEAD RIGHT THROUGH THIS PLATE

GLASS WINDOW AND JUST BLED OUT

RIGHT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE

HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE THE

PIE."

SO IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE I'M

SUICIDAL.

IT'S MORE LIKE I'M, LIKE, LAZY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WHENEVER I KNOW THE NEXT

FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE IS GONNA

SUCK, I THINK ABOUT IT.

"GOD, I'VE GOT TO PAY MY TAXES.

THERE'S A LONG LINE AT THE

BANK," AND THEN A BUS IS COMING

BY.

"WHAT IF I JUST DOVE HEADFIRST

RIGHT INTO THOSE DOUBLE BACK

TIRES?"

ANYBODY ELSE?

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT [bleep]

LIKE THAT?

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW WHAT GETS ME?

CEILING FANS.

SOMEBODY'S TELLING ME SOME STUFF

I DON'T WANT TO DO.

"YOU'RE GONNA NEED TWO FORMS OF

I.D.

WE NEED YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE."

AND A CEILING FAN'S BEHIND

THE HEAD.

I'LL BE, "I'LL GET RIGHT ON

THAT."

DOING, DOING, DOING.

[laughter]

SO ANYWAY, SO I DECIDED NOT TO

GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

THAT'S WHAT I'M REALLY TRYING TO

TELL YOU HERE.

NO, I DID.

I KIND OF CAME TO THIS EPIPHANY.

I'M LIKE, "MAN, I'M 41 YEARS

OLD.

MY DAD HAD FIVE KIDS BY THE

TIME HE WAS MY AGE.

I'VE GOT TO GET ON WITH MY

LIFE HERE."

SO I WAS, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I'M NOT WORKING THANKSGIVING.

I'M NOT WORKING CHRISTMAS.

I'M NOT WORKING NEW YEAR'S."

AND IT WAS, LIKE, THE MIDDLE OF

OCTOBER, AND I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A

MINUTE.

WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN?"

THEN MY BRAIN WAS LIKE, "YOU

KNOW WHAT?

[bleep] THIS.

I'M GETTING A PUMPKIN," RIGHT?

THAT'S HOW ANGRY MY BRAIN IS.

I CAN'T BE JUST LIKE, "YOU KNOW

WHAT?

HEY, LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."

IT'S GOT TO BE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

[bleep] THIS.

LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT I STARTED THINKING.

I'M CARVING THAT [bleep].

I'M HANDING OUT CANDY TO THE

KIDS.

I'M MEETING THEM AT THE DOOR.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO

BE, HUH?

OH, YEAH?

FULL-SIZE SNICKERS, BAM.

WHO DOES THAT?

WHO DOES THAT?

NOBODY, NOBODY.

I WILL BREAK YOUR [bleep] BAG

WITH MY CANDY, HUH?

AC/DC PUMPKIN.

YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?

YOU HAVEN'T RIGHT?

YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHERE

YOU SEEN THAT [bleep].

WHAT ARE YOU, LEANED TO ONE

SIDE?

THAT'S HEAVY.

HERE'S ANOTHER CANDY BAR.

YOU'LL BE LIKE DUMBBELLS, WALK

RIGHT DOWN THE STAIRS.

THIS IS HOW MUCH OF A MANIAC I

AM.

DO YOU KNOW--THIS IS ALL TRUE.

IT TOOK ME FOUR TRIPS TO GO TO

THE SUPERMARKET TO FINALLY BE

ABLE TO BUY THIS GODDAMNED

PUMPKIN, BECAUSE EVERY TIME I

WOULD WALK IN THERE TO GET IT,

I'D BE THINKING ALL THESE HAPPY

THOUGHTS.

"THIS IS A GREAT THING.

I'M EMBRACING THE HOLIDAYS.

IT'S GONNA BRING ME AND MY

GIRLFRIEND TOGETHER.

THIS IS A VERY LOVING THING TO

DO."

AND I REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, AND

ALL I HEAR IN THE BACK OF MY

HEAD IS, "WHAT ARE YOU, A

[bleep]."

AND THEN IMMEDIATELY, I HAD TO

TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT.

>> THIS IS HOW IT WORKS WITH

GUYS.

ANY TIME YOU DO ANYTHING

REMOTELY SENSITIVE,

HEARTWARMING, ANYTHING THAT'S

GONNA MAKE YOU MORE OF A LOVING,

CARING INDIVIDUAL, IMMEDIATELY,

ALL YOUR GUY FRIENDS SUGGEST

THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WANT

TO SUCK A [bleep].

OH, IT'S BRUTAL.

EVEN IF YOU DO SOMETHING SMART,

RIGHT, LIKE IT'S RAINING OUT.

"HE'S GOT AN UMBRELLA.

WHAT A [bleep].

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE

WATER?

PUT YOUR SHOULDERS UP, YOU

[bleep].

JESUS CHRIST.

WHAT, DID YOU PULL THAT THING

OUT OF YOUR ASS?"

OH, IT'S BRUTAL.

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE

SENSE.

"YOU CARVED A PUMPKIN?

WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT, CARVE SOME

GUYS ASS WITH YOUR [bleep]?

WHAT A [bleep].

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA BLOW A

SCARECROW?

DUDE, GET AWAY FROM ME WITH

YOUR GAY LITTLE PUMPKIN."

OH, IT'S BRUTAL.

"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU, A [bleep]"

IS THE REASON WHY GUYS DROP AT

55 OUT OF [bleep] NOWHERE.

IT'S LITERALLY FROM FIVE DECADES

OF JUST SUPPRESSING THE URGE TO,

LIKE, HUG A PUPPY, ADMIT A

BABY'S CUTE, SAY YOU WANT A

COOKIE.

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP PUSHING

IT DOWN LIKE, "[bleep] THEM.

I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep].

I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep]."

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

NO, NO, NO, NO, AND THEN ONE

DAY--ONE DAY, YOU'RE IN A

DENNY'S, AND THEY FORGET TO PUT

BANANAS IN YOUR PANCAKES.

YOU JUST HAVE, LIKE, AN

ANEURISM, AND YOUR HEAD SLAMS

OFF THAT STICKY TABLE, AND THE

LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE IT

ALL GOES BLACK IS YOUR FRIENDS

GO, "HE GOT BANANAS IN HIS

PANCAKES.

WHAT A [bleep].

OH, MY GOD.

IT WASN'T SWEET ENOUGH WITH THE

SYRUP, YOU FAIRY?

HEY, BRING ANOTHER ONE OVER

WHOLE AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS,

RIGHT?

YEAH, 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A

DICK, RIGHT?

IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK.

YEAH, I THOUGHT IT, AND THEN I

SAID IT.

I'M AWESOME.

YEAH."

OH, IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE

WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

YOU CAN'T--YOU'RE JUST DYING

EVERY DAY.

JUST EVERY DUMB THING THAT YOU

CAN DO AS A GUY,

ANY STUPID THING THAT'S GONNA

SHORTEN YOUR LIFE MAKES YOU MORE

OF A MAN.

[bleep] ZERO DEGREES OUT.

YOU DON'T HAVE A COAT ON.

"DUDE, YOU COLD?"

YOU CAN'T ADMIT IT.

"NO, I'M NOT COLD.

DUDE, I'M NOT COLD.

I'M JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING I

REALLY AGREE WITH," YOU KNOW.

[laughter]

NO.

I'M TRYING TO LET GO OF THIS

BALL OF HATE IN MY CHEST.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY

KIDS.

I DON'T.

I THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO BE

A COMPLETE MANIAC, NOT WORK ON

YOURSELF, AND THEN JUST HAVE A

KID, AND THEN JUST START

DOWNLOADING ALL YOUR [bleep]

THOUGHTS ONTO THEIR PRISTINE

LITTLE HARD DRIVE, YOU KNOW?

YOU SEND THEM OFF TO SCHOOL

WITH YOUR LITTLE--YOUR LITTLE

MANIFESTOS.

THEY'RE FREAKING OUT OTHER KIDS

AT SCHOOL.

"TWO PLUS TWO, TIMMY.

WHAT DID YOU GET?"

"DADDY KEEPS CASH IN THE WALLS,

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TRUST BANKS."

[laughter]

YEAH.

NO, IT'S EMBARRASSING

TO KNOW THIS LITTLE ABOUT

YOURSELF AT MY AGE, MAN.

I'VE GOT TO GET BEYOND--

LIKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY

ENDED UP GETTING THAT PUMPKIN?

YOU KNOW HOW I DID IT?

I ACTUALLY HAD TO BRING MY

GIRLFRIEND DOWN TO THE

SUPERMARKET, AND I HAD TO WALK

HER BY THE PUMPKINS, BECAUSE I

KNEW THE SECOND I DID IT, SHE

WAS GONNA FREAK OUT, AND SHE

DID.

THE SECOND SHE SAW THEM, SHE WAS

JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, A

PUMPKIN.

HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.

WE SHOULD GET A PUMPKIN.

OH, MY GOD, LET'S GET

A PUMPKIN."

SHE STARTS DOING, LIKE, THIS

LITTLE PUMPKIN DANCE, AND I

HAD THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST

TO TAKE HER HEAD AND JUST

[bleep] MUSH IT RIGHT INTO THE

PUMPKINS AND REALLY HOLD IT

THERE FOR A SECOND, LIKE, FEEL

THE PANIC IN THE BACK OF HER

HEAD AS THE AIR BUBBLES BECAME,

LIKE, LESS AND LESS FREQUENT

AS SHE SAT THERE CONTEMPLATING,

"IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA END,

PUMPKIN SEEDS UP MY NOSE?

I ALWAYS ENVISIONED BEING

SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES LOOKING

BACK ON ACHIEVEMENTS.

IT'S SO ORANGE."

[laughter]

NO, I RESENTED HER.

I RESENTED THE FACT SHE GETS TO

BE A [bleep].

SHE DOES.

SHE GETS TO SEE PUMPKINS.

"OH, MY GOD."

RIGHT?

SEES A LITTLE PUPPY.

"IT'S SO CUTE."

CRIES AT SAD MOVIES.

I'VE GOT TO HOLD ON TO ALL OF

THAT [bleep], SLOWLY DYING

INSIDE.

GO OUT TO GO SEE A SAD MOVIE,

COMES TO THE SAD PART.

WHAT DO I DO?

SHE'S CRYING.

I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOME FUNNY

[bleep].

"AH, WHAT IF SOMEBODY KICKS SEAN

PENN IN THE BALLS RIGHT NOW?

AH-HA-HA."

I START LAUGHING.

AND THEN THEY GET MAD AT YOU.

"HOW COULD YOU LAUGH DURING A

TIME LIKE THIS?"

BECAUSE I'M NOT [bleep] ALLOWED.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I LIKE HOW YOU'RE TURNING THIS

INTO A TOWN MEETING, THIS GUY

DOWN HERE.

"THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO CRY WHEN I

WAS WATCHING LIFETIME, BUT, YOU

KNOW, I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO."

>> I GOT A DOG RECENTLY,

EVERYBODY.

THAT'S, LIKE, THE BIG THING.

YES, I DID.

I'M PSYCHED.

I WENT DOWN TO THE POUND.

I GOT ONE OF THOSE FREE DOGS,

FREE DOG.

THAT'S HOW I SAY IT TOO.

I DON'T SAY, "I RESCUED A DOG."

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT

STUFF.

THEY SAY, "SHE'S A RESCUE.

I RESCUED HER."

REALLY?

DID YOU PULL HER OUT OF A

BURNING BUILDING?"

[laughter]

"DID YOU JUMP IN A RIVER WITH

YOUR WING TIPS STILL ON WITH NO

CONCERN FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,

OR DID YOU JUST GO DOWN TO THE

POUND AND GET A FREE DOG, YOU

CHEAP [bleep]?

ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DID?"

[laughter and applause]

I ACTUALLY--I DID NOT WANT TO

GET A RESCUE DOG.

I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT.

MY GIRL WAS ALL ABOUT IT.

SHE WAS LIKE, "WE SHOULD RESCUE

A DOG.

DO YOU WANT TO RESCUE A DOG?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, I DON'T."

SHE'S LIKE, "WHY NOT?

I GO, "BECAUSE I THINK A LOT OF

THE DOGS DOWN AT THE POUND MIGHT

BE A LITTLE [bleep] IN THE

HEAD.

YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?"

DUDE, THE SHELTER IS NOT A PET

STORE.

THAT IS LIKE SHAWSHANK FOR A

GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

WHY DON'T WE JUST GO DOWN TO THE

PRISON AND RESCUE AN INMATE AND

JUST ROLL THE DICE THAT MAYBE

THE GUY WAS WRONGLY CONVICTED?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

[bleep] THAT.

I WANT A BRAND-NEW 2009 BULLDOG,

ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T WANT SOME 1995

HALF-A-LABRADOR WITH PART OF ITS

EAR CHEWED OFF, YOU KNOW?

I'VE GOT TO PUT TOGETHER ITS

BACKSTORY.

EVERY TIME I GO TO USE THE

TOASTER, IT STARTS FREAKING OUT,

BECAUSE HIS LAST OWNER HUNG HIM

FROM THE CEILING FAN EVERY TIME

THE JETS DIDN'T COVER THE OVER,

YOU KNOW?

DUDE, THAT'S AN ANIMAL, MAN.

THAT THING CAN KILL YOU.

DUDE, A RABID SQUIRREL,

HOW FAST A SQUIRREL IS.

IF I WAS WALKING HOME AT NIGHT

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, BUT ALL

OF A SUDDEN, SOME SQUIRREL

STARTING RUNNING AT ME, BY THE

TIME I PROCESS LIKE, "IS THAT A

RAT?

IS THAT MECHANICAL?"

THAT DUDE WOULD BE UP MY LEG

TAKING CHUNKS OUT OF THE SIDE OF

MY HEAD.

I'D HAVE TO TELL THAT STORY FOR

THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A BAR.

"DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SIDE

OF YOUR HEAD?"

"A [bleep] SQUIRREL, ALL RIGHT?

CHRIST, YOU DON'T THINK I'M

SENSITIVE?"

NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY ALL

THOSE DOGS ARE BAD DOWN THERE,

BUT WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET

ONE OF THOSE CUJOS OR OLD

YELLERS, RIGHT?

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY LOVE DOGS

DOWN THERE SO MUCH, YOU'VE GOT

TO WATCH OUT WHAT THEY TELL YOU.

I WAS DOWN THERE.

THERE WAS THIS ONE DOG.

THIS THING WAS STARING AT ME SO

GODDAMNED HARD, MANIAC-LOOKING

DOG.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS

DOG?"

SHE WAS JUST LIKE, "OH, HE WAS

CHAINED TO PALLETTE IN A

JUNKYARD HIS ENTIRE LIFE."

AND I'M LIKE, "DOES IT HAVE

ANY ISSUES?"

SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S A LITTLE

AGGRESSIVE."

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, WERE YOU GONNA

TELL ME THAT [bleep].

WERE YOU JUST GONNA THROWN IT IN

MY HATCHBACK AND LET ME FIGURE

IT OUT ON THE RIDE HOME?"

[laughter]

THE THING'S PULLING OUT A

SHARPENED TOOTHBRUSH TO STICK IN

MY NECK.

[laughter]

NO, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET ONE

OF THOSE CRAZY DOGS,

I GET UP AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING

TO TAKE A LEAK, AND THAT IS THE

EXACT MOMENT ITS PREVIOUS OWNER

USED TO COME HOME [bleep]FACED,

BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE DOG?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SETTING

OFF.

I'M SITTING THERE SHUFFLING

ALONG IN MY SLIPPERS, TYING MY

ROBE.

MEANWHILE, THE DOG'S GETTING ALL

AMPED UP LIKE, "[bleep] THIS

[bleep], MAN.

I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T

LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.

IT'S TIME TO MAN-UP.

LET'S DO THIS ON THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE."

AUGH!

IT COMES FLYING AT ME.

I'M GONNA BE LAYING IN THE

GROUND IN A POOL OF MY OWN

BLOOD.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH THE

DOG?

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HIM RIGHT

BACK DOWN TO THE POUND LIKE SOME

SORT OF REPEAT OFFENDER.

YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM ON THE

NEWS IN, LIKE, SHACKLES, LIKE,

SHUFFLING ALONG.

"WE KNEW YOU'D BE BACK."

"YEAH, GET ME A MILK-BONE.

GO [bleep] YOURSELF."

YOU'RE GONNA WHEEL HIM IN LIKE

HANNIBAL LECTER WITH THAT LAMP

SHADE AROUND HIS NECK.

"AHH, AHH, AH-AH-AH-AHH."

[laughter]

YEAH, SO WE HAVE, LIKE, THIS

STALEMATE, YOU KNOW.

I WANTED THE BRAND-NEW BULLDOG,

YOU KNOW, AND SHE KEPT SEEING

THAT SARAH MCLAUGHLIN

COMMERCIAL, GETTING ALL SAD, YOU

KNOW?

OH, THEY OUGHT TO GET SUED FOR

FALSE ADVERTISEMENT IN THAT

THING.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

THEY HANDPICKED THOSE DOGS, THE

CUTEST LITTLE FUZZY...

"I JUST WANT TO PLAY FRISBEE,"

THOSE CUTE LITTLE, INNOCENT

LITTLE DR. SEUSS-LOOKING DOGS.

WHERE ARE THE PIT BULLS?

WHERE ARE THE ROTTWEILERS?

WHERE ARE THOSE MANIACS YOU SEE

LIFTING WEIGHTS DOWN AT THE

SHELTER?

[laughter]

THEY'VE GOT THE SADDEST-LOOKING

DOGS EVER, AND SHE'S WHINING

OVER THE TOP OF THEM.

¶ IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL ¶

¶ WHOO-WHOO-WHOOO, BOO-BOO-BOO ¶

THOSE DOGS ARE LOOKING ALL SAD

AT THE CAMERA.

[laughter]

"MY LAST OWNER WASN'T A NICE

PERSON."

THE MOST RIDICULOUS BANDAGES,

LIKE THEY WERE IN SAVING PRIVATE

RYAN,

THAT THREE STOOGES RABBIT EAR.

"I HAVE A TOOTHACHE."

DID SHEMP OWN THAT DOG?

WHAT HAPPENED?

I LOVE THAT WHEN IT'S ALL

WRAPPED UP LIKE A MUMMY.

IT'S LIKE, HOW?

WHAT, DID IT GET HIT BY A

CANNONBALL DURING A CIVIL WAR

REENACTMENT?

DID A TYRANNOSAURUS PICK IT UP?

"AHH-AHH-AHH, POOF,"

SPIT IT OUT.

MY FAVORITE ONE IS THAT

ONE-EYED PUG.

OH, THERE'S A GREAT DOG.

YEAH, BRING THAT OVER TO THE

KIDS.

I'M SURE THAT WON'T FREAK THEM

OUT AT ALL.

"MOMMY, DID YOU GET US A DOG?"

"ARRGH, ARRGH."

"JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.

JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.

DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE

RIGHT.

DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE

RIGHT.

JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.

COME AROUND.

IT BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT

ANIMAL WHEN YOU DO THAT.

JUST KNOW YOU COME FROM--COME

FROM THE LEFT.

HIS NAME IS POOKY.

WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM POOKY NOW."

[laughter]

SO SHE WAS INTO THAT.

I WANTED TO GET THE BULLDOG.

THAT WAS MY THING.

I WAS, LIKE, I WANTED TO GET THE

BULLDOG, BUT THEN I STARTED

RESEARCHING ON THE BULLDOGS.

THEY'VE GOT ALL THESE HEALTH

PROBLEMS, MAN.

FROM DAY ONE, THEY CAN'T EVEN

BREATHE.

THEY COME OUT INTO THE WORLD.

IT'S LIKE THEY'VE BEEN WORKING

WITH ASBESTOS THEIR ENTIRE LIFE,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

THEY CAN'T EVEN BREATHE.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THEM SLEEPING

UPRIGHT IN THIS LA-Z-BOY RUBBING

VICKS VAPORUB ON THEIR CHEST.

THEY'VE GOT, LIKE, SLEEP APNEA.

THEY DIE NINE TIMES EVERY NIGHT.

WHY DON'T I JUST RESCUE A

RETIRED OFFENSIVE LINEMAN WHILE

I'M AT IT?

"YEAH, THIS IS JIM JEFFCOAT.

WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM LARRY

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE

FOR SOME STUPID REASON."

>> DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO WE

WERE AT A STALEMATE, SO MY GIRL

DID WHAT MOST FEMALES DO.

THEY JUST FIGURE, "I KNOW IT'S

GOOD FOR HIM.

I KNOW IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM

HAPPY.

I'M GONNA MAKE A MAJOR DECISION

WITHOUT HIM, AND THEN HE'S GONNA

DEAL WITH IT."

YEAH, THAT'S HOW I GOT A DOG.

I GOT A DOG WHEN I WAS ON THE

ROAD.

I WAS ON THE ROAD, AND I JUST

HAD A MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE.

IT WAS JUST, "BOOP,"

AND IT WAS HER, AND SHE'S JUST

LIKE, "UM, OKAY, UM, I DID

SOMETHING, UM, KIND OF INVOLVES

BOTH OF US, BUT I THINK YOU'RE

GONNA LOVE IT.

JUST GIVE ME A CALL.

OKAY, BYE."

NOW, DOES THAT SOUND LIKE, "I

JUST SIGNED YOU UP FOR A 12- TO

15-YEAR COMMITMENT"?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT,

RIGHT?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE, "I BOUGHT A

NEW OUTFIT, AND I'M GONNA DRAG

YOU TO SOME AWFUL RESTAURANT

DURING A PLAY-OFF GAME," RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE, SO

I'M READY FOR THAT ARGUMENT.

SHE TELLS ME SHE WENT OUT, AND

SHE GOT A DOG.

NOW, HALF OF ME ISN'T UPSET,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE, "YOU GOT A

RESCUE DOG?"

"YEAH, WE HAVE IT FOR A WEEK,

AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO

KEEP IT, YOU CAN."

SO I GO, "LET ME SEE IT,"

SO WE STARTED SKYPEING, AND

SHE PANS AROUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT?

SHE GOT A PIT BULL.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

SHE GOT--I'M LIKE, "YOU GOT A

PIT BULL.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [bleep]

MIND?

YOU GOT A PIT BULL?"

SHE GOES, "IT'S NOT A PIT BULL.

IT'S A MIX."

MIXED WITH WHAT, ANOTHER PIT

BULL?

LOOK AT THAT THING.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN DOING

PULL-UPS ITS ENTIRE LIFE."

IT'S FRONT PAWS WERE STILL TAPED

UP.

IT'S, LIKE, SHADOWBOXING IN THE

BACKGROUND.

IT'S BEEN P90XIN'.

IT'S A PIT BULL.

JESUS CHRIST.

AND SHE SAYS, LIKE, "NO, HE'S

SWEET."

SHE SAID, "NO, SHE'S ADORABLE,"

AND ALL THIS STUFF.

OH, THIS IS THE WORST PART.

I WASN'T GETTING HOME FOR THREE

DAYS, YOU KNOW,

AND SHE'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN THIS

DOG, YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE, "I

DON'T GET HOME FOR THREE DAYS.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET HOME ON

MONDAY AND YOU HAVE TO GO TO

WORK?"

SHE GOES, "WELL, I JUST FIGURED

I'D DRIVE TO WORK, AND YOU COULD

JUST COME HOME TO THE APARTMENT

AND MEET THE DOG THAT WAY."

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR

MIND?

I'M NOT COMING HOME TO THAT.

THAT DOG IS BONDING WITH YOU.

IT THINKS YOU GUYS LIVE THERE.

I'M GONNA COME WALKING IN AND

HAVE MY CALF RIPPED OFF BECAUSE

I'M TRYING TO SHOW MY NAME ON

THE PHONE BILL?

NO, IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE

THAT."

SO SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT DO I

DO?"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.

YOU TAKE THAT HELL HOUND,

YOU PUT IT IN THE GODDAMNED CAR,

DRIVE IT TO WORK.

PARK IN THE SHADE.

DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO.

I'M COMING HOME TO A SAFE HOUSE,

AND THEN YOU DRIVE HOME WITH THE

DOG.

CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE A HALF-MILE

AWAY.

I'LL MEET YOU AND CUJO DOWN IN

THE DRIVEWAY.

WE WILL ALL WALK IN TOGETHER.

I WILL BE IN THE FRONT TO SHOW

THAT I AM THE PACK LEADER,

BECAUSE I WATCHED HALF AN

EPISODE OF THE DOG WHISPERER,

AND I THINK THAT THAT'S WHAT

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,

I THINK.

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, IT'S ALL TRUE, RIGHT?

SO I GO DOWN TO THE DRIVEWAY,

AND I SEE THE DOG.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG.

IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, WALKING

LIKE A MARINE OR SOME [bleep]

LIKE IT'S SNEAKING INTO

SOMETHING.

AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY, HERE WE

GO," TURNING MY BACK ON A PIT

BULL THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW

THAT TURNS OUT THEY DIDN'T GET

IT TO SHELTER.

THEY FOUND IT BY THE L.A. RIVER.

IT LIVED BY THE L.A. RIVER

FOR TWO WEEKS, AND MY GIRL'S

RESPONSE TO THAT WAS LIKE,

"ISN'T THAT SAD?"

"NO, IT'S [bleep] SCARY."

"WHY IS IT SCARY?"

"WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT GOT ENOUGH

PROTEIN, SO IT WASN'T EATING

BERRIES OUT THERE.

THAT THING WAS CHOKING OUT

COYOTES, YOU KNOW,

BREAKING THE NECKS OF SQUIRRELS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS DOING,

BUT IT DEFINITELY WAS--YOU

BROUGHT A MURDERER INTO THE

HOUSE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST RESCUE AN

ALLIGATOR WHILE YOU'RE AT IT

JUST TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?"

SO WE GET THE DOG IN THE DAMN

HOUSE, AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I

THOUGHT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING

AT HER, AND THEN IT'S LOOKING AT

ME AND THEN LOOKING AT HER

LIKE, "WHO THE HELL'S THE NEW

GUY," RIGHT?

THE NEW GUY IS THE GUY PAYING

THE [bleep] RENT, AND I WAS

GETTING NO RESPECT, SO I WAS

JUST LIKE, RIGHT THERE, I WAS

JUST LIKE, "I KNOW WHAT SHE'S

DOING.

I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING.

SHE'S BRINGING THIS DOG HOME,

BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M GONNA

FALL FOR IT, AND THEN WE'LL JUST

HAVE THE DOG."

AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, I LOVE

ANIMALS, OKAY, BUT I'M NOT GONNA

LIVE WITH ONE THAT CAN [bleep]

KILL ME, YOU KNOW?

RESCUE A CHIHUAHUA, SO WHEN IT

FLIPS OUT BECAUSE I GRABBED THE

REMOTE TOO QUICKLY, I CAN FLICK

IT OFF THE GODDAMNED TABLE OR

SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

SO THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.

WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK.

WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK, AND THEN

WE MAKE OUR DECISION, SO I

JUST SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY.

I WAS LIKE, "[bleep] THIS DOG."

THE FIRST TWO DAYS, I DIDN'T

GIVE A [bleep], YOU KNOW.

THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING

AT ME, YOU KNOW, AND I WAS

JUST LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,

RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

THEN ON WEDNESDAY, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED.

I STARTED TO LIKE IT A LITTLE

BIT, YOU KNOW?

NO, I WAS WATCHING TV, YOU KNOW.

I ALWAYS TALK TO MYSELF.

I'M ALWAYS HOME ALONE.

I FEEL LIKE A MANIAC.

I FINALLY HAD SOMEBODY TO BOUNCE

MY IDEAS OFF.

IT WAS KIND OF NICE,

SITTING THERE ON TV,

"YOU BELIEVE THESE GODDAMNED

BANKERS STEAL A TRILLION

DOLLARS, AND THEY GET A

BONUS--AND THEY GET A BONUS?"

THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING

AT ME, YOU KNOW.

[laughter]

BUT I'M FIGHTING IT.

"GOD DAMN IT.

I THINK I LIKE THIS DOG A LITTLE

BIT," YOU KNOW?

IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO WORK

OUT, YOU KNOW?

I ASKED IT A QUESTION.

"HOW DO YOU GET THESE MUSCLES?

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THESE,

A WHEEL CRANK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

[laughter]

AND THEN BY THURSDAY, YOU KNOW,

I'M GETTING OUT IN THE AIR.

I'M WALKING THE DOG, AND I'M

LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT.

I THINK I LOVE THIS DOG.

THIS IS [bleep]."

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

EVER WALKED A PIT BULL.

YOU OWE TO YOUR LIFE AT SOME

POINT IN YOUR LIFE TO WALK A PIT

BULL DOWN THE STREET.

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE

GREATEST EXPERIENCE EVER.

PEOPLE JUST GET THE [bleep] OUT

OF THE WAY.

[laughter]

IT'S UNREAL.

THREE, FOUR BLOCKS AWAY, THEY

SEE ME COMING.

THEY JUST IMMEDIATELY CROSS THE

STREET.

IT'S TREMENDOUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY BLACK PEOPLE

COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.

I LOVE HAVING THE WHOLE SIDE OF

THE STREET TO MYSELF.

IT'S GREAT.

I FEEL LIKE A KING.

OH, IT'S AWESOME.

IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER.

PIT BULLS ARE THE [bleep].

IT'S LIKE A GUN YOU CAN PET.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE

IT.

IT'S AWESOME.

THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO P90X OR

SOMETHING.

JUST GET IN BETTER SHAPE.

SO THEN BY FRIDAY--I MEAN, BY

FRIDAY, THE DOG WAS LITERALLY

MESSING UP MY RELATIONSHIP.

MY POOR GIRL IS SITTING ON THE

COUCH BY HERSELF.

I'M SITTING THERE SPOONING WITH

THE DOG.

"OH, THIS DOG IS AWESOME.

THIS DOG IS AWESOME.

WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING.

WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IN FOUR DAYS, I WENT FROM

"[bleep] THIS DOG," TO,

"OH, MY GOD.

THIS THING IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY.

HOW AM I EMOTIONALLY GONNA BE

ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT?"

OH, I LOVE IT, ABSOLUTELY.

I CARRY IT AROUND LIKE A BABY.

OH, IT'S THE GREATEST THING

EVER.

YOU COME HOME.

IT'S SHAKING HIS TAIL.

IT'S ALL EXCITED, LIKE, "DUDE,

YOU'RE [bleep] AWESOME," YOU

KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU HAVE NO

IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED THAT," YOU

KNOW?

IT'S TREMENDOUS, AND YOU CAN'T

APPRECIATE HOW AWESOME A DOG IS

AS A KID.

YOU CAN ONLY DO IT AS AN ADULT.

AS A KID, THERE'S, LIKE, NO

FRAME OF REFERENCE.

IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE A KID.

YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME.

IT'S AWESOME, RIGHT?

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BEING A

KID?

YOU HAD NO MONEY.

YOU HAD NO I.D., NO CELL PHONE,

NO NOTHING, NO KEYS TO THE

HOUSE.

YOU JUST RAN OUTSIDE INTO THE

WOODS.

YOU WEREN'T SCARED OF NOTHING.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO THAT AS AN

ADULT,

ALL YOUR I.D., ALL YOUR CREDIT

CARDS, JUST RUN OUT OF THE

HOUSE, NO PHONE, TURN THE

CORNER, WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR

HOUSE AND NOT HAVE A FULL-ON

PANIC ATTACK, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME?

I'LL GET LOCKED UP.

NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO I AM.

WHAT IF I TWIST MY ANKLE?"

YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME AS A

KID, RIGHT?

YOU SHOW UP, NO MONEY.

YOU JUST GET STUFF, REAL CHEESE,

MOVIE TICKETS, RIGHT?

WHY WOULDN'T A DOG BE AWESOME?

EVERYTHING IS AWESOME.

IT'S NOT TILL YOU'RE AN ADULT

THAT YOU APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT?

YOUR DREAMS START DYING.

SOMEBODY CHEATS ON YOU, RIGHT?

BANKERS [bleep] UP YOUR 401(k),

YOU KNOW, AND THEN YOU COME

HOME, AND THAT DOG'S LOOKING AT

YOU LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE

AWESOME," AND IT'S LIKE, "NO,

DUDE, YOU--YOU ARE [bleep].

YOU ARE THE [bleep]."

NO, IT'S THE GREATEST THING

EVER, ABSOLUTELY.

NO, IT'S UNREAL.

IT'S UNREAL.

BUT POOR GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S SITTING THERE GOING,

"JESUS CHRIST, YOU LOVE THE DOG

MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, SWEETIE,

YOU'RE NOT AT THE BACK DOOR

SHAKING YOUR ASS EVERY TIME I

COME HOME."

[laughter]

IT'S A REALLY A TOUGH--NO MATTER

WHAT TIME, 4:00 IN THE MORNING

DRUNK.

THE DOG DOESN'T GIVE A [bleep].

"HEY, THAT'S AWESOME.

WHOO."

[laughter]

>> AND I'M 41 YEARS OLD, AND IF

I'M LUCKY, YOU KNOW WHAT I

REALIZED?

I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY [bleep]

RIGHT NOW.

I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE, SO,

YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING NERVOUS,

YOU KNOW, ABOUT DYING, YOU

KNOW, JUST GROWING OLD, MAN.

I WAS NEVER REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT

TILL I GOT TO THIS AGE, AND,

YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?

I WENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S

100-YEAR BIRTHDAY PARTY,

AND I QUICKLY REALIZED THAT

WOMEN AGE A LOT BETTER TOWARDS

THE END, YOU KNOW?

GUYS, WE HANG WITH THEM IN THE

BEGINNING, BECAUSE WE'RE YOUNG,

AND THEN IN THE MIDDLE, THEY'RE

HAVING KIDS, SO WE KIND OF PASS

THEM, BUT THAT END, THAT LAST

THIRD, WE'RE LIKE THE STOCK

MARKET.

WE JUST--WE JUST GO RIGHT DOWN

TO THE GROUND.

IT'S BRUTAL.

I WENT TO THIS PARTY.

ALL THE OLD LADIES THERE WERE

UNBELIEVABLY SHARP.

THEY WERE STILL PLAYING CARDS.

THEY WERE RIGHT THERE.

BUT SOME OF THE OLD DUDES, MAN,

THEY WERE BRUTAL, YOU KNOW?

YOU EVER SEE A GUY, LIKE, SO

OLD, HE HAS, LIKE, THAT

PERMANENT LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS

FACE?

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

A COUPLE OF GUYS WALKED IN.

THEY LOOKED OKAY.

"HOW YA DOIN'?"

THEN THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE GUY

THAT JUST COMES WALKING IN JUST

LIKE...

[laughter]

DUDE, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE SITTING

DOWN MEETING PEOPLE.

"AND THIS IS MY GRANDSON BILL."

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, HOW MUCH PAIN

ARE YOU IN THAT YOU CONSTANTLY

HAVE A LOOK ON YOUR FACE LIKE

THAT [bleep] FROM THE RING

JUST CRAWLED OUT

OF YOUR TV SET?"

DUDE, THAT'S GOT TO BE--

YOU'RE, LIKE, SO OLD, LIKE,

EVERYTHING HURTS.

YOU'RE JUST STANDING UP.

YOU'RE LIKE, "AHH, MY FEET."

YOU GO TO LEAN ON SOMETHING.

"AHH, MY ARM."

EVEN, LIKE, BLINKING, LIKE, AIR

HURTS.

"HEE-AAAAAHH."

DUDE, [bleep] KILL ME.

KILL ME IF I EVER END UP LIKE

THAT.

DUDE, I'LL [bleep] KILL MYSELF.

I'LL ROCK MYSELF DOWN A FLIGHT

OF STAIRS.

I'LL LEAN BACK, HIT MY HEAD ON A

SINK, WHATEVER I'VE GOT TO DO.

I TOLD YOU, I ALREADY THINK

ABOUT KILLING MYSELF TWICE A

WEEK AT THIS AGE.

THERE IS NO [bleep] WAY I'M

GOING OUT LIKE THAT.

AT THE END OF MY LIFE, I'M

WALKING AROUND...

AND EVERYONE ELSE HAS THAT

PANICKED, "OH, [bleep].

IS IT GOING DOWN?" LOOK ON

THEIR FACE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

HOW DO YOU WAKE UP EVERY

MORNING BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?

HOW DO FIGHT THE URGE TO NOT

JUST JAM THAT TOOTHBRUSH RIGHT

DOWN YOUR THROAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KILLS ME,

WAS, ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD THAT

LOOK ON THEIR FACE.

NONE OF THE OLD LADIES DID.

SOME OF THE OLD LADIES HAD A

LOOK OF, LIKE, MILD

DISAPPOINTMENT, YOU KNOW?

JUST SITTING THERE LIKE...

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, LIKE THEY ALWAYS

WANTED TO GO TO EUROPE, BUT THEY

NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT.

[laughter]

BUT ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD, LIKE,

THAT...

[laughter]

DUDE, IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THEY

WANTED TO TELL YOU A SECRET.

LIKE, "WHERE'S THE GOLD?"

[laughter]

"CAN YOU REMEMBER THE

COMBINATION?"

[laughter]

WHAT IS THAT?

SOMEBODY SAID IT'S, LIKE, A MILD

FORM OF DEMENTIA OR IT'S, YOU

KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT'S FROM?

I THINK IT'S FROM BEING MARRIED

FOR 60 YEARS, GETTING NAGGED

EVERY DAY, AND NEVER ONCE

LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE BEING LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE [bleep]

UP?

HOW ABOUT THAT?

HEY, I GOT IT.

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY.

WELL, THEN [bleep] LEAVE."

[laughter and applause]

IS IT THAT, OR DO THEY, LIKE,

WEAR YOU DOWN?

I THINK THEY WEAR YOU DOWN,

BECAUSE I KNOW AS A YOUNG MAN,

I HAD A LOT MORE SPRING IN MY

STEP.

YOUNG GUYS, YOUR GIRL GIVES YOU

[bleep], YOU KNOW,

YOU CAN GO FOR A DRIVE.

"WHERE'S THIS RELATIONSHIP

GOING?

THIS FEELS WEIRD.

WE NEED TO TALK."

"HEY, [bleep] YOU, LADY."

YOU GET IN THE CAR AND GO FOR

A DRIVE, PUNCH THE CEILING A

COUPLE TIMES.

YOU SCREAM OUT THE WINDOW,

"BITCH," YOU KNOW?

YOU GET IT OUT.

YOU GET IT OUT BEFORE YOUR FACE

GETS ALL TWISTED UP.

GET IT OUT.

AH, I'M BACK TO ME.

YEAH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

WHAT HAPPENS?

YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

RIGHT?

YOU GET MARRIED.

15 YEARS LATER, YOU'VE GOT A

COUPLE OF KIDS.

YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE GUT GOING,

ALL RIGHT?

SHE STARTS IN ON YOU WITH THAT

WHOLE LAUNDRY LIST OF STUFF

YOU'VE GOT TO DO BECAUSE YOU'RE

MARRIED.

"SUSIE HAS BALLET PRACTICE.

IT GETS OVER AT 2:00.

MAKE SURE YOU'RE THERE AT 2:00.

YOU WERE THERE AT 2:02 THE

OTHER DAY, AND SHE WAS VERY

UPSET.

NO, YOU WERE.

YOU WERE.

I ACTUALLY DOCUMENTED THE RECORD

ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE AND..."

AND YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN

UPPERCUT.

YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN

UPPERCUT.

NO, IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT.

IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT.

BUT YOU DON'T.

YOU NEVER LEAD WITH AN UPPERCUT.

YOU SET IT UP WITH THE JAB.

YOU GET INSIDE.

YOU COME RIGHT UP THROUGH THE

CLEAVAGE.

YOU ROCK THAT HEAD BACK.

YOU SEND HER RIGHT ACROSS THE

LINOLEUM, TAKE THAT DIRTY PISTOL

OUT.

YOU LAY IT NEXT TO HER, WIPE

OFF THE DOOR HANDLE.

NO, [bleep].

NO, YOU DON'T DO THAT.

[laughter]

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU NEVER HIT A WOMAN.

YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN.

YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL.

YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED.

IT'S AWFUL, YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T DO THAT, RIGHT?

BUT WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW,

RIGHT?

YOU'RE MARRIED, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T YELL, 'CAUSE YOUR KIDS

ARE THERE.

YOU CAN'T GO FOR A DRIVE.

YOU DON'T HAVE A COOL CAR

ANYMORE.

YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, SOME CARAVAN

WITH THOSE STICKY

CHILDREN OF THE CORN

HANDPRINTS ALL OVER THE

WINDSHIELD.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT,

AND YOU JUST DO THAT, LIKE,

WHISPER YELLING.

[bleep].

[bleep].

AND THEN I THINK JUST ONE DAY,

YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD.

YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD.

YOU'RE TIRED.

YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED, LIKE,

60 YEARS.

YOUR BODY'S BREAKING DOWN.

YOU BLEW YOUR KNEE OUT AT THE

"Y" PLAYING PICKUP BALL, LIKE,

30 YEARS EARLIER IN THE

50-AND-OLDER LEAGUE,

YOU KNOW, AND YOU JUST WANT

TO WATCH THE GAME,

AND SHE COMES IN THAT ONE LAST

TIME, RIGHT, JUST TO ANNOY YOU.

JUST PICKING ON YOU.

"AND YOU WERE ALWAYS MEAN TO MY

MOTHER, AND I ALWAYS RESENTED

YOU FOR IT.

WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN MORE

LIKE YOUR BROTHER," RIGHT?

AND YOU START TO--"YOU KNOW

WHAT?

[bleep] THIS.

I'M NOT LISTENING TO THIS,"

RIGHT?

AND YOU GO TO GET UP,

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HITS YOU

THAT THEY DAY BEFORE WAS THE

LAST DAY YOU HAD THE QUAD

STRENGTH TO GET UP AND OUT OF

YOUR FAVORITE CHAIR, AND THAT'S

WHEN THE PANIC SETS IN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [bleep].

DUDE, I CAN'T GET UP.

OH, MY GOD.

I'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO THIS FOR

THE REST OF MY LIFE."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

NO, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T

REALIZE THOSE OLD GUYS ARE

ACTUALLY TRYING TO ESCAPE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

LIKE, "IS SHE LOOKING?

AM I GONNA MAKE IT?

AVENGE ME."

LISTEN, I'M OUT OF TIME.

YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR

COMING OUT.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU.