Original subtitles

Hey, can I get another drink down here?

There's Santa Claus. Look there.

Wow.

Oh, my. What a darling photo. Are you certain you only want the single?

Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa

or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.

Gee. You know what? This one, I think it's more than enough.

Thanks. Merry Christmas.

- So, what do you want, little girl? - A drum set.

Oh, the old man will love that. Okay. Fine. See you later.

I saw you at another mall.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

You're not really Santa. If you were Santa, you could do magic.

You want to see some magic? Here. Let's watch you disappear.

Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's got to pee. What do you want?

- A new bike. - A new bike. Wow. That's a new one. Excellent.

Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in five minutes.

We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas. Thank you for shopping with us.

- Is that it? - Yeah, that's the last one.

Thank the fuck Christ.

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. You pissed yourself.

Aw, Jesus.

Okay.

- Good night. Merry Christmas. - Good night.

Happy holidays to you.

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Yeah. No, I know.

No, I agree. They shouldn�t pay the whole lot of them.

- What are you doing man, Solo? - I�d get back to you..

- Hey, hey, hey. - I�m fucking leave here.

Relax. These pants are awful baggy.

You wouldn�t be trying to steal nothing, would you?

You�re an asshole, you know that?

That�s a nice talk.

I almost had that job.

Ready.

Jesus.

- How's it going? - I'm finished when I'm finished.

I'm going back upstairs. I need a melon baller and a loofah.

Got it.

Fuck the loofah. Let's go.

- Marcus, you get the loofah? - Drive.

Fucking shit�

Fuck you.

Message one.

MAN: Mr. Soke?

This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency.

Message two.

WOMAN: This is Dolores Axelrod. You ran into my car last week.

I called State Farm, but they have no record of any insurance policy for you.

In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4...

Message three.

Willie, it's Marcus. It's that time of year again.

Pack your shit. Phoenix.

Jesus Christ!

Can you maybe keep it together for just 10 minutes?

For crying out loud, you trucking fucking imbecile.

Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially...

Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska.

Five Christmases I've been here.

You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and who happens to work with a real midget.

Well let me tell you something. Nobody cares.

Nobody comes here for the elf. Santa's the attraction.

I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmo even play guitar?

Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget.

Believe me, if it was, I...

I don't think they like "midget. " I think you're supposed to call them...

Oh, just forget it.

Hacks!

Hi. Bob Chipeska.

Welcome. Great photo and r�sum�, by the way.

Thanks. We've been at this a long time and all.

We'd like to think we do a good job.

Well, you are truly the best man I�ve ever seen for this job..

MARCUS: Thanks.

We've been at this for years. You got nothing to worry about.

You two are the best men for this job, truly.

So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.

- Oh, no. We're fine. - Performance?

Yes. Uh, your performance. You know, the, um...

Performance, like sexual?

- Excuse me? - Willie.

Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?

- Is that what you're saying? - I'm sorry. Your gear? - Willie.

My fuck stick.

Hey, Willie. Take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

He�s such a cud that guy, he�s such a cud�

He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children?

No, no, no. It's a joke.

An adult joke for us adults.

It's a joke. Just a joke.

"Fuck stick"?

Yes. I thought it was very strange, too.

So, as our security chief, I wanted you to be aware.

But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it in front of the children�

which is fine. Because, you know, there is an adult world and a child's world, and that's okay.

- I'm no censor. - "Little friend"?

Yes, he happens to be a dwarf.

Or midget.

I don't know what he's called exactly. But, uh, he's a little guy.

Little Billy Barty. God rest.

But thin fingers. Not the fat sausage fingers.

"Little people. " That's what they like.

Yes. Uh, right.

So "fuck stick. " That's it?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay!

Merry Christmas!

Have you seen that new Santa they just hired?

Yeah. He's back there drunk.

He's coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon.

God damn it!

What the fuck you doing? �Fuck stick� in front of the boss?

I don�t like that guy.

You don�t like any guy.

You blow this, and we're broke for the whole fucking year.

So stop acting like you know something. 'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat!

Now, put on your fucking hat and get out there.

And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes.

WILLIE: What do you want? What?

Get out of here. Next.

Oh, good. What do you want?

What do you want? What are you doing?

- God damn it! - Nintendo Deer Hunter 3.

I don't give a shit what you want.

Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever.

Next. Come on.

What do you want?

- Um, Santa? - Yeah, I'm Santa.

- Come on. What do you want? - Um, Barbie.

Say cheese.

Okay. Fine. Barbie. Oh, thank you.

Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit. Next.

- What do you want? - Fraggle-Stick car.

- What the fuck is that? - Fraggle-Stick car.

Well, I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine.

Hey, check out this loser.

Hey, fat-ass. How you doing today?

Hey, loser. What�s up fat-ass?

Hey, dipshit.

Moron.

Hey, loser. How you doing today?

Dumb-ass, why don't you turn around?

You know what? Fuck this.

WILLIE: Next.

You're next.

I said next, God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right?

Move it along.

What's your name? You can tell me.

I know. How about Santa?

If you don't tell him, you won't get a present.

That's right. Come on and tell Santa all about it.

What do you want?

Well, come on. What do you want? A snot-rag?

Right. Another fucking Mongoloid.

Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me.

- Don't fuck with my beard. - It's not real.

No shit.

Well, it was real. But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out.

- so I have to wear this fucking thing. - How did you get sick?

- I loved a woman who wasn't clean. - Mrs. Santa?

No. It was her sister.

Now get the fuck out of my lap or tell me what you want.

What's it like at the North Pole?

- Like the suburbs. - Which one?

Apache Junction. What the fuck do you care?

Now, get off my lap. You sit there like a fucking retard.

You are really Santa, right?

No. I'm an accountant.

I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, all right?

Okay.

Marcus, get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out.

I got to get a drink on. I'll see you tomorrow.

Just don't come into work stinking of booze again.

Yeah. Why don't you get going?

You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild.

Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus!

Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you.

You saying something to me?

Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass.

Why don�t you fuck-off, you little shit.

Fuck you.

What?

- Another round Grand-Dad, Santa? - Yeah.

Got a name?

So, what do you do, you know... After the holidays, I mean.

Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny.

- Oh. Another? - Yeah. Why not?

Merry Christmas.

Not a big talker.

No, not really.

- Buy you one? - Why not?

Happy New Year.

You're pretty regular for a Santa.

It's just a job, you know what I mean?

I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus.

Prove it.

Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.

- Can't I at least take this hat off? - No!

- I love the hat. - Okay.

I've always had a thing for Santa Claus.

In case you didn't notice.

It's like some deep-seated childhood thing.

So is my thing for tits.

Yeah. It is like that, though. From when you're a kid.

'Cause my dad was Jewish, and we didn't have Christmas.

So it was like this forbidden thing.

I like you.

Don't mothball that suit.

- What the fuck? - I am not gay.

- What the hell, buddy? - Buddy? I said I am not gay.

Are you off your fucking meds or something?

Yes. But that isn't what this is about.

- You're as queer as a $10 bill. - Oh really? Let me tell you something.

My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam.

So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time.

This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...

- Elf fucker! - Motherfucker! - Turn around, elf fucker.

Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Huh?

- Leave Santa alone! - Little boy, don't interfere.

- I am doing this for all of us. - Leave Santa alone!

Good God.

Ass clown.

Hey, you're that kid.

What the fuck are you doing here?

- This one fucking time I take you home, okay? - Uh-huh.

- I�m not your fucking dada. - Uh-huh.

It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything. You know?

Why do you need a car?

- What the fuck are you talking about? - This car.

- Which turn is it? - Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?

It's in the shop, getting repaired.

- Where are the reindeer? - I stabled them. Is it left or right?

That way. Where's the stable?

- Next to the shop. - How do they sleep?

- Who? The reindeer? Standing up. - But the noise. How do they sleep?

- What noise? - From the shop.

They only work during the day, all right?

I thought it was always night at the North Pole.

Well, not now. Right now it's always day.

- Then how do they sleep? - Oh, shit. Sage Terrace.

What is it with you anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?

On my head?

Well ya. Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?

- How can they drop me onto my own head? - No, not onto your...Would...

God damn it! Are you fucking with me?

- Okay. Which house is it? - That one.

- With Jesus and his family there or what? - No. The one beside that.

- Right here? - Yeah. That one.

Nice digs.

Is Daddy home?

He's on an adventure, exploring mountains. He's been gone a long time.

Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?

- Till next year. - Yeah? What about Mommy?

She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost

and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut.

- Well, who the fuck takes care of you, then? - Grandma.

Yeah? What's her name?

Grandma.

Is Granny spry?

Grandma?

Grandma?

Santa's here.

Are you spry?

Oh, Roger. You're home.

Let me fix you some sandwiches.

Are you telling me she's the only one here?

Nobody else?

No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that?

- A butler or security guard or something? - Nuh-unh.

You're shitting me.

Does your daddy have a safe?

- Need money to fix your sleigh? - Exactly.

- You want milk and cookies? - No.

- Should I fix you some sandwiches? - Unh-unh.

Does your daddy have a car?

Bye, Santa!

WILLIE: Oh, my!

Ooh!

- WOMAN: Keep going. - Jesus!

Keep on going.

Oh, God!

Ooh!

Oh, Jesus!

Keep on going.

Oh, God!

Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.

You ain't gonna shit right for a week.

A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall.

And I heard these...

Um, you know, these noises.

And I heard a woman screaming, "Yeah. Oh, yeah. "

And I heard his voice saying,

"That's right.

You ain't going to S-H-I-T

right for a month. "

But don't get me wrong.

I was against the Clinton impeachment. What a man does with his own penis...

Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall...

it's not for the American people to say.

- Yeah, right. - But when�

you're dealing with children...

They have a tender sensibility.

And you are in a position of trust. I think perhaps�

someone who has screaming orgasms with large women shouldn't...

Yeah.

Of course, I can't fire him for that.

The sizes, they say�

That�s not true, I�m no sizes

But I can see the picket line now�

Yeah. Big fucking farewell.

They�d all say: If it had been a supermodel or a beautiful�

Oh, yeah. Unfair practices.

Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Fucking broads.

But I just can't help it.

There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy.

Well, sure.

Santa fucking someone in the ass.

So...

Maybe there's something I could fire him for.

Yeah, I get you.

Do you?

Do you think you could find something?

Shit, yeah. Always found them�

I dig that little thing on your belly button.

What's that? Like a diamond?

It's a belly-button ring.

Oh, yeah? Hang on a second.

Check this out.

You got to thrust. See what I'm saying?

You gotta move the ball around. You go up there, baby.

Come on.

See? Move the ball. There you go.

Motherfucker!

Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker.

That's the kind of shit that's gonna get us pinched.

She said she was 18.

But you promised no arcades.

You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall.

How many times you fucked: �The bigger the store, the bigger the take�.

We can�t work the big store with your big fucking trainwreck.

You got some nerve, you little fuck you.

What, you shat me out of your womb? You're my fucking mom now?

I don't need any goddamn lectures out of you.

I know how to keep a low profile. Thank you.

What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile?

Mind your own goddamn business.

You cocksucker!

Ever hear of the open bottle law?

You dipshit motherfucker�

Shit.

Hey, Opal.

- Come here. - Unh-unh. Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass.

Last time I didn't shit right for a week.

No, it's not that. Just come here. I need to talk to you.

I'm just tired of you, Willie. Ooh.

Who the fuck is in my room? Did you see somebody go in my room?

Yeah. Some guy asking about you. Looked like a cop.

Oh, shit.

Marcus, it's Willie. Listen, I just got back to the motel. ...

And some guy is nosing around in my room.

- What guy? You get a look at him? - No. But I think he's a cop, though.

- Think somebody's onto us? - Is there anything in the room? Anything professional?

No, I just got clothes in there.

Just ditch, you idiot. You got anywhere to sack out for a while?

- Santa! - Yeah.

- You're bringing my present early? - No.

But I never told you what I wanted.

I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.

Okay. Good. I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other one. See which one fills up first.

Okay.

So I'm gonna be staying here for a while. Things are all fucked up at the North Pole.

Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister.

And I'm out on my ass now. She got half of everything.

This is gonna be cool. This will do fine.

So I'm gonna be crashing here.

It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know?

Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?

No. Thank the fuck Christ.

What about the elves?

Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa.

I get them on the weekends. Why don't you go run me a bath?

What about the reindeer?

Would you please shut up about reindeer?

What are their names?

- Who? - The elves.

Oh, shit. I can't remember.

- I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey.... - That's the Seven Dwarfs.

Oh, you're shitting me. I thought... I was thinking it was the...

I don't know. Fuck, kid. I just call them, "bub. "

I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief" or whatever the fuck. I tell him to make the goddamn toy.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit!

Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?

How old are they?

- You want cookies? - No.

- Warm milk? - No.

- Should I fix you some sandwiches? - I don't want any fucking sandwiches.

What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches?

- Okay. Do you want anything else? - No.

Fuck me? Fuck you.

You can't just take up with some kid.

You don't know who's around or what they do.

You got some nerve, you little shit you.

What, you're my mom now? You shat me out of your womb?

You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck.

Shit.

Fuck you.

You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit...

that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass.

What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now?

Are you shitting me? The kid don't have any friends.

He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him.

He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother.

Sits in front of the TV all the time.

You think she's gonna rat me out?

She don't know her ass from last Tuesday.

You fuck her?

Jesus Christ. Is everything fucking sex with you?

With me? I fuck one person.

I ain't out there serial fornicating, trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly

'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.

What are you, Sigmund Sawed-off Fucking Freud?

Yeah, that's right. Go ahead. Talk about my height.

Make it about something safe 'cause you're an emotional fucking cripple.

Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.

Come on, Lois. Let's get out of here.

Look who's here, Jimmy. It's Santa.

That's fucking great.

Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.

I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay?

Are you insane?

- Management's gonna hear about this. - You think that's a threat?

If you think you can make my fucking life any worse, go right ahead.

Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.

- Can I help you, ma�am? - Just looking.

Hello ma�am, can I help?

Are these designer or knockoff?

Well, they�re designer sunglasses but they�re at knockoff prices.

They look great on you ma�am. Sale this week only.

Cut the bullshit, I�m just looking.

Find everything you're looking for?

Um, yeah. Thank you.

Nothing I can help you with, huh?

No. I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox.

Get your hands out of my pants, man!

You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me.

What is this?

- I was gonna pay for it. - Wrong answer.

When I look at you, you know what I think?

I think America has a sad future ahead of it.

And you're part of this sorry-ass generation.

- What you want to be when you grow up? - I don't know.

- This MP3? - Yeah.

Take it off.

- But my grandmother gave... - Take it off.

I don't care who gave it to you.

I don't care if it choke you to death.

Now, I want you to get on out of here. Get!

- But can I have... - Get! Happy Kwanzaa.

And pull your damn pants up!

What's wrong with you kids these days?

- Gin? - Yeah.

- Yeah, what do you need? - I need you to run a plate for me.

- It's Arizona plates. - Hold on. Let me get a pen.

Is that it?

For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you?

King me.

Son of a bitch!

You lousy, cheating little fucking shit!

Want to play again?

MAN ON TV: You can make a delicious six-pound chicken.

MAN ON TV: A six-pound mouth watering pork-loin roast.

MAN ON TV: A luscious looking six-pound leg of lamb with rosemary.

MAN ON TV: Four half-pound juicy hamburgers.

MAN ON TV: And a hot dog and sausages to feed a small army.

MAN ON TV: Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens.

MAN ON TV: A dozen tasty juicy lamb chops.

Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.

MAN ON TV: A 6 1/2-pound honey ham. 4 freshly caught whole trout.

MAN ON TV: Scrumptious 6 1/2-pound standing rib roast.

MAN ON TV: And everybody�s favorite, baby back ribs.

Such a nice place here you got.

Needs a little bit of a woman's touch.

I just rent the fucking place anyway.

- Yeah. I just rent stuff, too. - Yeah?

Let me get your drink.

How long are you gonna be here?

What? On the couch?

No, in town.

I don't know. Just through the holidays.

You know, then I'll move on.

So, do you like kids?

Fuck, no!

What, do you think I'm some kind of pervert?

I just mean because you're Santa Claus.

I like kids. I really like kids.

- You do? - I love kids.

Well, good.

Yeah, they're something else, those kids.

And to tell you the truth...

The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa.

Like ya anyway.

- So, you'll call me, right? - Yeah. I'll call you.

I'm gonna buy you some flowers. Some of those really good expensive ones.

Shut up.

Bye.

Roger, you're home. Let me fix you some sandwiches.

What the fuck? Kid, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Jesus Christ! Let me see it! Let me see it!

- What the hell happened to you?! - I cut my hand by mistake! Ow!

- Of course it was by mistake. - Ow!

Here, hold still. Hold still.

I was just trying to help you!

I forgot to say, "It's gonna sting a little bit. That�s all "

Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something?

God damn it.

You're late.

Kids. Let me tell you.

They run you ragged.

Morning, team.

It's not quite 8:00 yet.

Well, how close are we?

Now it's 8:00. Merry Christmas.

Up your ass.

God damn it!

You tear your ball again?

I don't think so.

That's it.

Get the ladder and put it over here.

Hold it for me.

- You�re in? - Yeah, I�m in. I�m trying to find out where the hell I�m going.

God damn it!

Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now. Go on and get in there. I can take it.

- Yeah. - Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate.

All right. Now you're talking. Oh, hold on one minute.

Baby, baby. Baby, baby. Don't use that one. That's not the stuff.

Use something with some claws to it.

Yeah, that hard candy. That's it right there.

Let me get some of that. Yeah, that's it.

- Yeah, I'm back. - The guy's Roger Merman.

- Guess where he is. - Give it to me.

Ow! Damn it! What's wrong with you, woman?

Number 8.

- Who are you? - Your name Roger Merman?

- Yes. But... - You doing three to six for embezzlement?

Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried.

Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace?

Is it Grandma? Is my son all right?

They're fine. Do you have any houseguests?

Houseguests?

Thank you for your time. God bless.

Houseguests?

Well, it's fucked.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Fucked, frankly. - He's...

- Clean... - Oh.

- As a fucking whistle. - Nothing?

- No. Nothing. I mean shit. - Yeah.

- He curses. - Yeah?

- But never around children. - Oh.

- No criminal record. No parking tickets for Christ�s sake. - Yeah.

- Nothing. - No bad habits, either.

Sex, yeah. But man is a sexual being.

- Yeah. - Fuckin' Darwinian.

- You can't do shit about that, Jack. - No.

Hell, I wouldn't want to.

No, of course not. I'm not advocating celibacy.

Hope not. It'd be the end of the fucking human race.

- Yeah. - Fucks large women.

What can I say?

Yeah, just looking.

Hey, look, it's the retard again.

- Wedgie. - Yeah.

- So what do you want? - Pok�mon!

Done.

You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass.

Santa...

Oh, jeez.

- Is that your underwear? - Part of it.

Where the hell's the rest of it?

No, actually, don't tell me. I don�t want to know. What do you want?

I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink.

- But now I changed my mind. - Yeah, what?

Now I don't want an elephant at all.

I want a gorilla named Davey for beating up the skateboard kids.

who pull on my underwear.

He could take his orders from the talking walnut,

so it wouldn't be my bad thing.

Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla,

and I wasn't as big as one of your legs.

Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy. You know what he did?

- He made it all better? - No, he kicked my ass. You know why?

'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes?

What the fuck? No.

He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?

No. It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch.

When he wasn't busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck.

The world ain't fair. You gotta take what you need when you can get it.

You gotta learn to stand up for yourself.

You�re gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.

Or don't. Shit, I don't care. Just leave me out of it.

- Now, get on out of here. - Okay. Thanks, Santa.

Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay?

Put the cigarettes away, you asshole. This ain�t no fucking bar.

All right, next.

Open the ropes there, Marcus.

- I know you? - Not yet.

Santa don�t do grab ass, cowboy.

You are Willie �Tugboat� Soak.

And you�re Marcus �The Prince� Skidmore.

And on Christmas Eve, you�re going to rob this store blind.

What�d say we go somewhere private.

Seven cities in seven years. Pretty impressive.

The store changes, your name changes. But you always get away clean.

Yeah. Pretty darn impressive.

Well, let's face the facts. Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers.

You, because of your physical attributes, you found a niche,

and I respect that. But you also been caught...

... by me.

So this is how it's gonna be.

I don't want to take over. I don't even want to change your scam.

Whatever you guys do, it works. All I want is a taste.

When the deed is done, we part ways.

I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu,

and you all take your little medicine show back on the road.

- How much? - Half.

- No way! You don't know who you're fucking with. - Back off, Will.

I got this. I got this!

Okay. 30%. There's three of us. 30%. That's fair.

Half.

- I meant 33%... - I meant half.

- ... and 1/3. - Half.

35%.

Half.

40%.

Half.

42%.

45%.

Half.

48%?

Half.

- 49%. - Half.

- Well, what's one point? - We split the dough right down the middle.

Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry-pick.

No! Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the...

This ain't no Chinese menu, you jagoff.

I tell you how it's gonna be.

This is pricks fix.

- Pricks fix? - He's a fucking moron.

Oh, really? Is that how you got the upper hand?

- Fuck you. - Negotiating?

If you don't like, next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.

- I can get another midget, too. - Yeah, where?

You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?

Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket. You know why, Willie?

Because you got no discipline. You got zero fuckin' initiative.

You'd fall apart without me. You're too pathetic for words.

You're a fucking loser, and you fucking know it.

Santa'll be here real soon, kids. Real soon.

Oh, no.

Sweet Jews for Jesus.

I pissed myself.

What the fuck do you think you doing? You son of a bitch!

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, come on, come on.

Look here. Get him out of here. I'll smooth things over with Chipeska.

Tell him food poisoning or something.

- What do you mean �Get him out of here"? - Take him to the car.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf.

So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?

That figures. You want all kind of set-asides.

Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You all the same.

Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall, you asshole!

It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Sketch it up, you fuckin� moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.

What you call me, thigh high?

I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!

I could stick you up my ass, small fry.

Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?

You got some lip on you, midget.

Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night.

Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole.

- I pissed my pants. - Oh, shut up.

Santa.

Santa?

What?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You going to work today?

Not really.

You just gonna sit there?

Yeah. Just let me alone, okay?

- Hey, wait a minute. Hey, kid? - Yeah?

I want you to take this letter.

When the paramedics come to bag Santa up,

there's gonna be some cops there.

I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope.

What is it?

It just tells all the bad things that...

What the fuck happened to your eye?

Fucking little prick!

So you like to give little kids black eyes, huh?

How 'bout you, huh?! You want some?!

Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on! Yeah, there you go.

You know, I think I've turned a corner.

Yeah? You fucking petites now?

No. I'm not talking about that.

I beat the shit out of some kids today.

But it was for a purpose.

It made me feel good about myself.

It was like I did something constructive with my life, or something� I don't know.

Like I accomplished something.

You need many years of therapy.

Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy.

And I bullshit you not.

Shut up. That's not even what you said.

Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that.

We got a fucking nursing home around here.

Well, we can go in another room.

She does look kind of still, doesn't she?

Hey, Granny?

Hey, Granny.

Hey, there, Granny?

Oh, Granny.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

Oh, shit.

- Roger! - God!

- God damn it! Shit! - You're home.

- Please just tap me. - Let me fix some sandwiches.

- Hello, little boy. - Hello. Santa...

I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days,

and you have to fly around the world and give presents to everyone,

and you won't be around anymore.

- Yeah? - So I thought I'd give you your present now.

- What the fuck is it? - It's a wooden pickle.

Why'd you paint it brown?

It's not paint. It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you.

Well, shit, kid, I don't know. I...

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Good night, Santa.

Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.

Good night, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

That was so sweet. He's a really sweet kid, isn't he?

Yeah, I guess so.

Come on, baby.

Come here.

What?

Oh, nothing. I'm all right.

Just a little tired.

Santa!

God damn it! Whoa! Shit!

Want to see my report card?

- You scared the holy shit out of me. - Think I did good?

How would I know? I haven't seen the fuckin' thing yet.

Who the fuck is Thurman?

- Is your name Thurman? - Yeah.

- Thurman Merman? - Yeah.

Jesus.

So, you think I did good?

What do you care what I think, huh?

Hell, I guess you did better than I did. I never got any B's.

I thought maybe at least since I did good in school,

maybe you'd bring me a present.

'Cause last year and the year before that, you didn't bring me any presents.

Even though I'm a dipshit loser.

Jesus fucking Christ, kid! Why do you talk about yourself that way?!

Let me give you some news. I'm not Santa Claus, all right?

Take a look at me. Do I look like Santa Claus?

As a matter of fact, I'm living fucking proof that there's not a Santa Claus.

I know there's no Santa.

I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present 'cause we're friends.

- Good night, Gin. - Good night.

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. What is the problem now?

I'm sorry. The van stalled. Will you give us a jump, please?

I'll be dipped in dog shit. Do I look like an auto mechanic to you?

I appreciate it.

All right, small fry, help yourself.

- I can't reach it. - Jesus Christ, give me that.

Thanks.

All right, hit it.

Oh, my. What a terrible accident.

- Is he dead? - No.

But it looks like you broke most of his ribs.

I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%?

I needed more of a running start. I couldn't build up enough speed.

Is he dead?

Shit.

Put it on reverse, Lois.

What are you drinking, Styrinol now?

�caused you sounded like my aunt Tilly right before she smeared her own shit on her bedroom walls.

You better be in shape by this evening, asshole.

After tonight I don�t give a shit.

But this is the time we reach deep down and suck it up.

Lovely child.

Good night and have a very Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas. - Good night.

Merry Christmas.

- Good night. - Okay! Happy holiday!

CHIPESKA: Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in five minutes.

We wish you all a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa.

All right, hold it steady.

Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it.

Oh, Christ.

Merry Christmas.

Good night.

- Merry Christmas, Willie. - Up your ass.

Oh, shit.

What?

What?

- It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt. - So?

- Remember Andy Pitz? - Andy Pitzorella? Yeah.

When I was in the joint with him, he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.

Are you shittin' me?

Are you telling me that after I propped you up,

held you together, smiled for all those kids,

danced for all those fucking housewives

in a fucking lime-green, fucking velvet elf costume,

that you cannot get in this fucking safe?!

Is that what you're telling me?! Huh?!

Fuck.

Shit.

Terza.

34C.

Piece of cake.

I gotta get one more thing. I'll be right back.

Oh, shit. Which one did he say?

I'll bet the store dick don't want this.

Store dick don't want shit.

What do you mean?

Store dick's dead.

Store dick don't want shit.

Fuck the fuckin� store dick.

He's dead, huh?

I didn't even know he was sick.

Willie, this has been a long time coming.

Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable.

More booze. More bullshit. More buttfucking.

Sure, the three B's.

You gotta be able to rely, Willie.

You people are monsters.

There's no joy in this for me.

I'm not talking about you taking me out. That part, I get.

But look at all that shit.

Do you really need all that shit?

For Christ sakes, it's Christmas.

Come on, let�s go.

Goodbye, Willie.

Drop the gun.

- Where did you come from? - Shit, that fucking kid.

Marcus, hop on!

Fuck me.

Halt, police! Put your hands up! I said freeze!

Freeze!

Somebody stick a cord on those fuckin� kids.

"Dear kid...

I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it,

although there was blood on the present you gave me,

which didn't keep me from enjoying it.

So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. "

"Anyway, just in case they took it as evidence,

I'm also sending you a T-shirt.

I hope it's the right size. "

"I'm healing up good,

and they tell me that I will soon be 100%,

even with 8 bullets dug out of me,

because they didn't hit any vital organs,

just my liver, which is fucked anyway.

Ha ha ha.

Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you,

so they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister

watching you till your dad gets back

in one year and three months.

They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit.

Anyway, she makes better money than bartending

she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi.

As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you

that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife

are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad.

I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did.

Thank you for giving that letter to the cops.

I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did,

or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass.

Now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail.

That, plus everyone agreeing...

that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa...

was even more fucked up than Rodney King. "

"The cops are treating me like fucking royalty now,

which is new in my experience.

They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor,

so that tragedies like this...

will never again embarrass the whole fucking department.

Whatever.

So I�ll be staying in Phoenix now,

telling the police how screwed up they are which is not a bad job as jobs go.

They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon,

So I�ll see you when I come over to fuck Mrs Santa�s sister in the Jacuzzi.

Until then, don�t take no shit from nobody,

least of all yourself.

Anyway, see you soon.

Santa.�