Original subtitles

- Hey, folks, and welcome back to the ALB Game of the Week.

Calvin Turner here with Gil Jones.

- Good to be here, Cal. - And we're coming to you

from a chilly afternoon in Columbus, Ohio.

Right fielder Manny Molina set to lead off

the bottom of the fifth with Mackavey pitching.

Molina's hitting .282 this season.

Much higher average than last year at this time.

But he has fewer RBIs with 28.

- Funny how that works sometimes.

- Hey, you know, every player has his own batting ritual

and Manny is no exception.

You gotta wonder if his average would suffer

if he made any changes to this one.

- You're absolutely right, Cal.

You see, when your batting ritual works for you,

you don't change it.

- No, you don't. It's almost a superstition.

Manny's two for nine in his career against Mackavey.

They're both from Florida, interestingly.

- Now here's the part of Molina's ritual

where he runs around the bases

and touches each base with his bat.

- For those just joining us, we're tied at two

at the bottom of the fifth here at Purdy Stadium.

Manny Molina at bat.

And time has no meaning.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry, I don't know how to get this stupid filter off.

- It's totally fine.

Um, let's get back to the interview.

The "City College Daily Blog"

is really excited to publish this profile on you, Arturo.

- Well, I'm very excited to come in

and start the students on commedia dell'arte.

After all, it was my main focus in drama school.

It is I, Scaramouche-- - Okay, um,

I think we've got enough of that.

- I don't think that's possible.

- Now, if I'm not mistaken, and I don't think I am,

it started in 16th century Italy.

Theater history was also sort of a passion of mine.

- That's really cool, I don't think we're

gonna need any of that.

Is there anything else that you can tell me?

Like, did you always want to be an actor--

- Uh--I think you--you froze.

Oh no, shit, that's a filter again.

Oh. Another filter.

God--stop it! Hello?

- Hello? --can hear you now.

- Have I always wanted to be an actor, well...

I guess you could say I'm a bit of a dreamer.

- Wait, you're a Dreamer?

- Mm-hmm. - Well, tell--more.

- Well, I've just... always dreamt of telling stories.

- Sorry, I didn't catch any of that last bit.

When did you first come here? - Um, I was just a kid.

My mom took me to see my first Broadway play, but we lost our

tickets at intermission so we had to sneak in the back.

Ha! So rebellious of us.

- Sorry, I just heard you and your mom snuck in.

- Mm-hmm. - You are so brave.

I think we're about out of time but thank you so much.

- Okay, bye-bye.

That went well.

[ominous tone]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

[cool percussive music]

- You should just pick something.

- I can't decide. There's so many options.

It's like, who even watches all this stuff?

- How about "Flip My Aquarium"?

Oh, God, never mind. - Yeah, that sounds terrible.

- How about this? "Britain's Smallest Pies."

That sounds... fine?

- Sure. Try it out.

[dramatic music]

- Fuck!

We've got a live one, people! - What is it this time, boss?

- Someone clicked on the tiny fuckin' pie show.

- Why would someone click on that?

- I don't know why, but they did.

And it's not real,

so we need to make up something quick. Go on!

[music stops] - I'm sorry, what are we doing?

- Your first day?

Buckle up, kid.

- The majority of shows and movies on Netflix are fake.

Just catchy titles with nice-looking graphic boxes

so it looks like we have all the shows in the world.

- Yeah, they're padding for real shows

like "Stranger Things" and "Frasier."

So whenever somebody clicks on one of these

fake bullshit titles like "Britain's Smallest Pies"

or "Battery Hoarders" or "Santa Clarita Diet,"

we have to slap something together real quick.

All right, come on, people!

We can't buffer forever, let's go!

Lena. - What?

- Get the pie! - Pie?

- Get the pie! - Where, where?

- From the pie closet! - What?

- Smallest pie you find! - Okay, I'll find it!

Boss? We've got a pie.

- Great! Now put it down!

- We're ready for your voiceover.

- Perfect.

- I'm sorry, are you British? - Huh?

- Are you a pie?

Then get out of the shot! Get out of the shot.

All right. Everybody quiet down.

Everybody quiet down.

We're going live in three, two, one.

[in British accent] Pies come in all

shapes and sizes.

But in this show

they're all small.

Join us as we take

a look at some of Britain's smallest pies.

- This is it?

This is boring as shit. - Yeah, I thought it was going

to be like a competition or something?

- No competition here. It's just... this.

[dramatic musical flourish] - Oh, thank God!

They turned it off. - Great work, everyone.

Great work!

- Uh, boss.

You're going to want to see this.

[dramatic music resumes]

- Now what? - The same couple.

Now they're hovering over a title called

"Big Pointy Houses." Looks like they're deciding

between that and "The Shrimp Whisperer."

- The fuck is wrong with these people?

Why can't they watch "Stranger Things" or "Frasier"

like normal people? - [sighs]

- Okay.

We have to prepare for both contingencies.

- Martinez, find me stock footage

of the biggest, pointiest houses you can. Go!

Jackson, call that guy you know,

the one with the shrimp boat.

Go, go, go, go!

- What if we don't have enough time for that?

- We'll just play something else. Pretend it's a glitch.

A real show. I don't know, like "Frasier."

[beep] - Crisis averted, sir.

They picked "Black Mirror." - Oh, thank God.

That was close. [bell rings]

- Oh, no. - What?

- Some guy in Minnesota just pressed play on

"Santa Clarita Diet"!

[intense dramatic music]

- Okay.

Get me Drew Barrymore!

[bestial growls]

[roars]

- Why is she so mad?

- She's been down here for two seasons.

[animalistic bellows]

You know what? Let's just play "Frasier."

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- "Arturo Castro, the highest-profile person

to publicly come out as a DACA Dreamer."

Why do they think you're a Dreamer?

- Because she asked me why I wanted to be an actor

and I said I've always been a bit of a dreamer, you know?

But the connection was really terrible,

and I think that's the only part she heard.

But I meant like "Les Mis" "I Dreamed A Dream" dreamer.

Not DACA Dreamer.

- I have dreams. - Nobody cares, Chris.

- Okay...

Listen, capital-D Dreamers are going through hell

right now and my journey to this country,

while also quite noble, is slightly different.

- You came here economy comfort on Delta.

- I was in a middle seat and it was really chilly.

- Look, I don't see what the problem is.

I mean, some student thinks that you're a Dreamer?

Psh, I say go with it. - Seaton, I would never pretend

to be something I'm not.

- That's literally your job!

You're an actor; you make a living

pretending to be something you're not.

But, Seaton might be right.

Nobody reads student blogs.

- [sigh] You know, you're right.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This story just got

picked up by HuffPo.

Internet's fast, man.

- [yelps]

No! man: What the hell?

Okay, no, I've got to tell them the truth.

I've got to clear this up. - Look, man.

If you do some kind of retraction now,

that's going to be worse than doing nothing at all.

And you're not technically lying.

- Plus you look good in the picture.

- You know what? I'm going to focus

on the commedia workshop and it's going to be

so amazing that that's all they'll talk about.

- Yeah, that's the spirit. - Oh, Jen, you're still

helping me with the presentation, right?

- Sure. What is up with all those dildoes?

- [chuckles] - Common misconception.

They're not dildoes, Jen, they're phallic symbols

used for costumes and props in commedia.

It's a very visual art. - Yeah, no.

Those a bunch of dicks.

[loud slam] - You know what?

I'll be in my room.

Where there are no bullies.

I'm very sorry about your phone.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- I'm sure it's not.

- Be careful with your dicks, man.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- In other news, a study says that

white people in the United States will

become the minority within 30 years.

According to the report, Latinos and other minorities

will make up the new majority by the year 2045.

- Oh man, that's gonna be awesome.

[chuckles] Wish I could be there now.

[powerful otherworldly sound]

[peaceful music]

♪ ♪

No way.

Excuse me, Miss. What year are we in?

- It's 2045. And we're in power now.

- Oh, my God. - Come on.

[whimsical music] - ♪ In 2045, ♪

♪ We are the majority ♪

♪ In 2045, we have the authority ♪

♪ In 2045, it's a diversity explosion ♪

♪ In 2045, Manhattan's in the ocean ♪

- [laughs] I'm s--I'm sorry, what was that about Manhattan?

- It's in the ocean now. Both coasts are.

And Florida's just a teeny-tiny nub dick.

- Oh.

[stammers] Excuse me.

♪ In 2045, the sands have shifted in our favor ♪

♪ In 2045, it's full of Latin flavor ♪

[Latin breakdown]

- That's awesome. Look at that.

♪ In 2045, the Earth's depleted and worn ♪

♪ And we all wish that we'd never been born ♪

- Is that a noose around your neck?

What was that about the Earth?

- Dude, did you think the study about minority

demographics was the only study about the future?

You should've read more studies, man!

- I skim the headlines, man.

♪ There's no more oppression in 2045 ♪

♪ No more microaggressions in 2045 ♪

♪ There's no more animals in 2045 ♪

♪ And no voter suppression in 2045 ♪

- I'm sorry, what was that about the animals?

Like, like none at all, or...?

[whimsical music becomes distant]

Oh, fuck.

[apocalyptic thunder]

Whoa... guys...

♪ In 2045 the air is harmfully volcanic ♪

♪ The good news is the country is about a third Hispanic ♪

♪ And 90% black ♪

- Is it actually that? - Uh...

♪ No, I'm talking about the water ♪

♪ If you drink it you will die ♪

- Sounds good to me! - No, no, no! Hey, hey!

♪ A million ways to die off ♪

- She's really fucking dead! Don't step on over here!

♪ More power to you and me ♪

♪ But when I say "power" that's just an expression ♪

- This is not cool, man!

♪ There's no electricity ♪

♪ When the world has gone to shit ♪

- Can you put me down, please?

- ♪ Who cares about elections ♪

♪ We spend all our time getting chased by mutants ♪

♪ And unable to get erections ♪

- Did you say "mutants?" - Yes!

They're fast too.

- So is it just me on the erection thing?

- Oh my God, here comes one now!

[growling]

- I just think I'm the only one willing to talk about it.

- White people hogged all the good years, man!

- [snarling] - No! Stop it!

♪ In 2085, we will have the majority ♪

♪ In 2085, we will have the authority ♪

♪ In 2085, you'll wonder where those humans went ♪

♪ In 2085, we'll have a mutant president ♪

[thunder]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome back to the ALB Game of the Week.

If you're just joining us, there are no outs

in the bottom of the 5th and Manny Molina

still getting ready to bat.

- Now, Cal, this is probably my favorite part

of Manny's batting ritual.

- Oh, yes.

Yes, bringing out the accountant.

Manny always likes to go over his personal finances

with a certified public accountant before each pitch.

I guess it gives him some peace of mind up there.

- Hey, if it works, it works.

- Oh boy. Molina looks like he's unhappy

with some of the receipts.

- Well, you know the old saying, Cal.

There are two certainties in life: death and taxes.

- [laughs] You are so right, Gil.

Well, now it appears that Manny

doesn't like the feel of his bat.

Looks like he's going to switch it up.

It's all about feeling comfortable up there, Gil.

- Absolutely.

- Now, Manny's coming off a fantastic spring training

where he hit over .300.

Columbus really got lucky with this trade.

- Oh, they sure did.

Although right now it looks like Molina isn't happy

with any of the bats here,

so he's gonna carve a new one, Cal.

Now this is gonna be the 848th bat that Manny

has crafted this season.

And I want to say thanks to the stat team

for the heads-up on that one.

- And while Manny's crafting his new bat,

let's take a break.

For eternity. - Sounds good to me, Cal.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- Hello, City College student body.

Please give a warm welcome for Arturo Castro.

[applause]

[renaissance music plays]

[cheering]

- Buongiorno! Buongiorno.

[applause]

♪ ♪

- May I present my assistente, Arlecchino.

[applause]

[music box plays]

Now today we will explore the dark--

ooooh!

The devilish-- [trills tongue]

And, dare I say, delicious

art form of commedia dell'arte.

[applause]

Get out of my light. Get out of my light.

- Okay, okay. - We love you, Arturo!

- Oh, Arturo is not here! There is only Pantalone.

But I'm sure Arturo appreciates the sentiment.

- We support you and all the Dreamers!

- What? - Th-the DACA Dreamers?

We support you.

- Can we please put the house lights up?

Oh, fuck.

I-I mean Pantalone says...

Oh, fuck.

Oh, okay, stop the music. I-I can't do this.

- Yes, you can! - We love you, Arturo!

- Yeah, we believe in you.

Even if we're confused about

what specifically you're doing right now.

- Guys, th-there's been a major miscommunication, I...

[exhales]

I'm not a Dreamer.

[crowd murmuring] - Wait, what?

They only printed that because I said I was a dreamer.

Man, now that I say it out loud

it seems like I'm saying like, "Dreamer,"

but I meant dreamer with, like, the lower case d.

- So you're not a DACA kid?

- Well, technically no.

And by technically I mean not at all.

[crowd gasps]

Hey, I hear you, okay?

But the DACA Dreamers, the ones that have to live

in fear and fight for their basic human rights

in this incredibly hostile political climate,

they're the heroes, man. I'm just an actor.

Who's classically trained.

Have I worked with Ang Lee? Yes I have.

- Rein it in. - Point is, shame on us.

Shame on every one of us.

- No, shame specifically on you.

- Okay, yeah. I can see that.

But hey, we're all here already and I don't see why this

presentation has to end.

[echoing thump] [crowd gasps]

It has to end.

I-I see that now. Jen, please.

Grab the phallus. - It's a dildo.

- It's not a dildo, it's a phallus.

- It's got two heads and two urethras.

It's a dildo. - It's a phallus.

[cool percussive music]

[suspenseful music]

- Okay, chief. Nice and easy.

Now remember,

anything I say, you say.

We get him to admit possession of narcotics

and we've got this scumbag.

And we'll drop all the charges against you.

♪ ♪

- Vincent. - Eddie.

- All right, good to see you. - Now get him comfortable.

Ask him how his weekend was.

- How was your weekend? - I had a barbecue.

My wife's family came over. Ate all my food.

- [chuckles] Yeah. - Good, good, good.

Got him right where we want him.

- Then my girlfriend, she takes me to a

Bruno fucking Mars concert. I hate that guy.

He sounds like a dying pig. - I hear that.

All right, let's get down to business, huh?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Backtrack on that?

Put that fucking bag down.

[dramatic pause in music]

Tell him you like Bruno Mars.

- Uh... - Everything all right?

- Say it!

- Uh, well, actually I-- I like Bruno Mars?

- You do? You like that shit?

He's nothing compared to Michael Jackson.

- Okay!

You can't compare that scumbag to Bruno Mars!

Okay. You tell him...

- Bruno Mars can out-sing, out-dance,

and out-charisma MJ any day.

- All right, now. You're starting to be

a little disrespectful to the King of Pop.

- I-I'm so sorry for what I'm about to say.

- Oh yeah?

[tense music]

- You don't understand music at all.

- Like you mean it! - You don't get music at all!

- The fuck are you talking about?

- I will... prove to you that Bruno's moves

are more original. Or maybe I won't, please?

Never mind, yes I will.

Okay.

I will prove it. Uh...

Um, the... this is MJ.

[tense music]

- Put your hand up in the air and move your hips.

Grab the crotch! He always grabs the crotch!

- [very high pitched] Ow!

- Now you're Bruno Mars. Do not dare fuck this up.

- But Bruno is--is more like...

♪ ♪

- Yeah!

Now pelvic thrust.

♪ ♪

- Tell him...

- We are lucky to be alive

while Bruno Mars is making music.

- Hey, Eddie.

I think it's time you sit the fuck down.

- Yeah, okay. Okay.

- The fuck's the matter with you?

- I'm sorry. But...

I have to say to you...

[heavy breathing]

Anyone who doesn't like Bruno Mars...

No. - Say it.

- Anyone who doesn't like Bruno Mars has a head full of shit.

- What are you, out of your fuckin' mind?

- I-I'm out of my mind with love for Bruno.

- Well that's fuckin' great.

But I tell you what,

I'm not going to let a million-dollar deal slide

because some jerkoff's into Bruno Mars.

- [whispering] Please don't say anything else about Bruno Mars.

- You're the one that seems obsessed with him, all right?

You know what? Here's my stuff.

Where's yours? - Yes, yes. Let's do the deal.

Great idea. - Let's do that.

- Here's the cash.

[grunts with effort] - Nice.

There's enough money in this bag

where I could buy Bruno Mars some fuckin' talent.

[door kicked open] - You take that back!

- The hell's going on here? - What's going on here is that

Bruno Mars is an artist in every sense of the word.

Singer! Dancer! Lover!

No, I haven't had sex with him yet.

But I've thought about it a lot!

[door kicked open]

- What's going on here is Bruno Mars has no voice.

And I'd rather have my eardrum punctured

than listen to one more of his goddamn songs.

[dramatic music building]

- Wait, you guys are DEA?

- And you two are... FBI?

- Oh. - Oh my.

- Oh wow.

Awkward, wow. - I was going to shoot you.

- I was surely going to kill him.

- It was getting a little crazy there for a second.

[all sigh]

- I guess... I guess we're good here.

I mean, you don't actually hate Bruno Mars... right?

- You don't actually... like him, do you?

[dramatic music restarts] - I love Bruno Mars.

[gunshots]

- [relieved sigh]

What's your opinion on Chris Brown?

- Complete piece of shit.

- I agree. Fuck that guy.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, God. - Wow.

They really did not like that you lied to them

about how you immigrated into this country.

- I know Jen, thank you. - I mean, it's a really

bad time politically to lie about something like that.

- I am aware. - I mean, how are you

going to live with yourself after this?

- Is there anything you've done that's super embarrassing

that you talk about over and over and over again?

- No, I'm--I'm a really good person.

- Good for you. [knock on door]

- Oh my God. I am so sorry. I thought there might have been

a misunderstanding and I should have told you.

I did not mean to screw that up.

- No, it's actually a really good thing.

I mean, because you're a liar we're actually getting

a lot of attention towards a real issue.

Which means instead of scheduling

that commedia dell'arte crap we're going to have a real

rally here next week. So, thank you.

I mean fuck you.

But also thank you.

- Hey, you're welcome.

That felt good. - She said, "Fuck you."

- Oh, you know, two thank yous minus one fuck you

is still one thank you. - Mmm... that's bad math.

- Okay, just help me pack up the dildoes.

- [gasps] - Phalluses. Phalluses!

- No. Mm-mm.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome back to the ALB Game of the Week.

Manny Molina is just finishing crafting a new bat

for his at-bat here in the bottom of the fifth.

- And what a treat for the fans

to see such fine craftsmanship.

- You know, that's very true, Gil.

Well, looks like Manny is happy with his work.

So with a freshly crafted bat, he enters the batter's box.

Bottom of the fifth with no outs.

Mackavey set to deliver. Here's the pitch.

Oh, it's in there for a called strike. 0-1 on Molina.

We're tied at two in the bottom of the fifth.

It's gonna be a real duel, this one.

- You know it, Gil.

You can just feel the tension here at Purdy Stadium.

You know, it's almost as if some of the fans

have just realized

they might not live to see the end of this game.

- [chuckles] They definitely won't, Cal.

None of us will.

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