Original subtitles

- I was at this art exhibit and I saw this sculpture,

and I was like, who did this amazing sculpture?

And she's like, me. That's how I met Casey.

[laughter]

- I like to think I seduced him with my erotic artwork.

It's all very vaginal.

- Oh, it's not all vaginal. There's some butt stuff.

- What's vaginal?

- Uh, I'm gonna run to the restroom.

Feel free to talk about me while I'm gone.

- We'd never do that. That's so rude.

- Mm. [laughs] - All right.

- You have one minute. Tell me everything.

- Okay, I like her.

She's nice and her hair smells good.

- What?

- Stop smelling women you don't know, Chris.

- Well, I think she's hot. I mean, I'd date her.

I mean, obviously because you're dating her,

I'm not gonna date her.

But if you weren't dating her, I'd be dating her.

But I'll just follow on Instagram.

- You didn't have to tell me that.

You could've just followed her.

- I mean, she's a cool, successful artist

without being an asshole about it.

That may be a first. - Yep.

- And she's super-grounded for an Aquarius.

- Wait, when's her birthday?

- Friday.

She mentioned it when you were talking to the bartender

about the brand of soap in the bathroom.

- I have to get her an awesome gift.

- That's a terrible idea.

Remind everyone how long you've been dating her.

- [mumbles]

- What?

- Project. You're classically trained.

- Three weeks, okay? So what?

- So that's way too soon for birthday stuff.

I've dated guys for three weeks

who I didn't even know their last name.

- Well, I'm sorry that romance is dead for you.

- Untrue.

- Don't ask me.

Longest relationship I had lasted one month.

- Chris, that's really sad.

But we don't have time to talk about that right now.

She's gonna pee and come back.

- I personally think it's never too soon

for a little birthday stuff, all right?

- And that's why you're my friend.

- Stop it.

- I had a woman who got me a car after our second date.

Yeah, I mean, she was a little older,

but she introduced me to her friends,

and I got some gifts from them, too.

So it really worked out.

- Seaton, were you a prostitute?

- Legally, no. - Okay.

- So I think they have both

sufficiently disqualified their opinions on relationships.

- Oh. - Okay, but listen.

I know that it might seem like too soon,

but I've connected with her so much already,

I would feel like a dick if I didn't get her something.

- Trust me, okay?

It's too soon for birthday stuff.

- Fine, I won't do anything for her birthday.

God.

- Sit up straight.

- Hi. - Hi.

- So what are we doing for your birthday?

[chuckles]

- Seaton was a hooker.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[applause]

- Thank you for helping me at the talent show, Dad,

even though the finale didn't go quite as planned.

[audience laughter]

- Don't worry, mi hija.

You have worse memories than trying to salsa dance

in a mermaid costume.

[audience laughter]

Goodnight, mi hija.

- Wait, Dad, can I ask you something?

- Yes, of course, mi hija.

- Do you speak Spanish?

[audience laughter]

- Sí.

Of course, I do.

Why do you ask?

- It just seems forced whenever you say mi hija.

[audience laughter]

- Very funny. Bedtime now.

I love you, mi hija.

[audience awws]

[soft rock music]

[tense music]

- Look, kid, you have to stop asking those questions, okay?

We are one-note Latino characters on a sitcom.

We only exist so that white people can feel less racist.

- Is that why Mom is so much hotter than you?

- Wow, rude, but yes, that's related.

Look, you gotta play along, okay?

It's the only way people like us can exist on TV.

- But I don't want to just be a daughter

on a vaguely Hispanic sitcom.

- Trust me, it's way better than the only other alternative

for Latino characters. Way better.

- I don't care. I want to experience the world.

- Don't. Do not do it. No, no.

Hey, get back here. Stop it.

[police siren]

[gun cocking]

- Hands up!

We know you're hiding 50 kilos of cocaine.

- What the fuck is going on?

[guns cocking]

[urban accent] Why am I talking like this?

This shit is loco, ese. I'm outta here.

[soft rock music]

- Next time use the front door like the rest of us, mi hija.

[audience laughter]

And remember, I love you, mi hija.

[audience awws]

- I love you, too, Dad.

- Goodnight.

- Night.

- Close your eyes. They're watching.

[cool percussive music]

[dramatic music]

- General, the guerrilla forces are closing in.

- I fear we are out of time. What should we do?

- Soldiers, I have given my life to the cause.

I have stared death in the face more times

than I care to remember.

My entire life has been danger,

but why have I survived this long? Hm?

It's because I do not see fear or threats, or...

Uh-oh. Plot twist.

Who left these bad boys here?

Seriously, you cannot leave these lying around.

Somebody is going to get hurt.

And that somebody is me. Excuse me.

[laughs] You know. Mm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Are you kidding me right now?

Pink frosting with rainbow sprinkles?

Just shoot me in the face already.

These are too dangerous. Too dangerous.

Oh, my God. - With all due respect,

we are facing a critical situation, General.

- Do you want to see critical, young man?

Take a look at this waistline.

Am I right? Up top.

- Sir, perhaps we should get back to the plan.

- I did not know there were two generals.

All I see is one general,

unless I polish these bad boys off.

Then there will be two of me.

[chews loudly]

I bloat immediately. Immediately.

- Sir, our forces are awaiting orders.

- Okay, you're right. It's very simple.

Our defenses cut all along this line.

Now our blind spot-- okay is it just me,

or does the map of Colombia look like a giant cupcake.

I mean, who put the sprinkle there?

These are obviously sprinkles.

- General, please. Yesterday we lost 800 men.

- And I literally just consumed 800 calories.

In long term, which is worse?

- The 800 men.

- You tell that to my pants. I mean, seriously.

[helicopter whirs]

- They're here. Base camp's been overrun.

The situation is out of control.

- I know the feeling.

Out of control, like-- like I shouldn't?

I shouldn't, but I am.

- General, we will fight for the last man.

- Do not leave me alone with these cupcakes.

Too dangerous. Ah, it's so dangerous.

Mmm.

- I would kill for a glass of milk right now.

Like, literally murder someone.

[gunfire]

- Nobody move. - [shouts]

- General Bautista, we have you surrounded.

Raise your hands, or we will kill all your men.

And the other hand?

The other one.

Both at the same time!

La dos.

- [groaning]

- The poison cupcakes worked.

- General was right.

- Most dangerous cupcakes.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[pop music]

- Oh, wow.

Ooh.

- Hi, can I help you find anything?

- Actually, yes, I'm looking for a gift

for my romantic lady-friend.

- Mm, wonderful. What's the occasion?

- Her birthday.

- Okay. - Yeah, yeah.

She's having dinner with some friends, you know,

and she invited me. So...

- Fun. - Yeah.

Well, technically, I asked her what she was doing

for her birthday and she's like,

I'm having dinner with friends.

And I was like, can I come? [laughs]

But she said yes almost immediately.

So, yeah.

- How long have you been dating?

- Three weeks.

- Okay, yeah, so this is a mistake.

- I know how it sounds, but I just feel like

it's been just so much longer than that, you know?

- Hmm.

- What about this hat? Hello.

- Oh, it's--

- Calling to me, so to speak. You know?

- Absolutely. Um-- - Wow.

- Can I give you some advice?

- Sure.

- And this isn't easy for me

because I'd make a huge commission off this hat.

I mean, massive.

But look, if you've only bee dating her three weeks,

you really shouldn't be getting her a gift.

- But you don't know her like I know her, so...

- Mm-kay. Well, if that's true, what's her favorite color?

Favorite TV show.

- [mutters]

- What are her parents like, you know?

What are her dreams, her hopes?

Does she like dessert?

- I know she makes papier-mâché vaginas

and her birthday's on Friday.

- Okay.

You know, it isn't really my place to say this,

but a bad gift is so much worse than no gift.

- Oh, wow. Thank you.

I'm gonna take the hat.

[cash register chimes]

- You're gonna regret this.

- Oh, I'm not.

- Here's the receipt you need

when you need to return the hat.

- Oh, cool. I won't be needing this.

- Okay.

- But thank you.

- Can you pick that up?

- Yeah, sorry. That was just super rude.

[cool percussive music]

[crowd cheering]

- Whew.

- Whoa, coming in hot.

Ahh.

You know, if you shake it more than once,

you're playing with yourself.

[laughs]

- Yeah.

- Ooh. Whoa, sorry about that.

- Watch out, dude.

- That was almost a helmet-to-helmet hit.

- Hey, you know what they say.

You shake it more than once, you're playing with it.

- [laughs]

Who is that over there?

- Who, what?

No. Sammy.

- Carl, I knew it was you, buddy.

Good to see you. - What up?

- Guys, guys, guys, guys! Guys!

Please be careful, man.

You almost pissed all over me, dude.

- Pfft.

- Pissed all over you. Did you hear that, Carl?

- I don't think we've done a proper introduction here.

- We are legends.

There's no chance of that happening.

- Back in '97, Carl here and I won the Micturition Nationals.

- What's a Micturition National?

- What's the Micturition Nationals?

You hear that, Carl?

- Wow. Wow. - [whistles]

We invite you to watch and learn.

[both inhale]

- It's really good to see you.

- I love you.

[both exhale]

[classical music]

♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

- Wow.

That was incredible.

Wow.

- Thank you so much.

And that was really great improv, kid.

- Oh, my God. Thank you so--do you mean that?

- You're a natural.

- Well, I mean, you shake it more than once,

you're playing with it.

But you shake it more than twice,

now that's art, my buddy.

[all laughing]

- Oh, shit. - Oh, sorry.

- Yep. Sorry. - Sorry about that.

[cool percussive music]

- With liberty and justice for all.

And that's how you say

the Pledge of Allegiance in America.

Thank you.

[applause]

- Good job, Imelda.

Okay, let's move on to the next subject

you should know about as recent immigrants.

We're talking gun violence.

- Oh, I know all about that.

There's a lot of gun violence in my country,

but I am very happy to be safe in America

where there are no cartels. Thank goodness, you know?

- Okay, though that may be true, Diego,

we do have gun violence in this country.

For example, mass shootings in schools.

- Oh, unfortunately, we have that stuff, too.

Two students are in rival cartels,

and they shoot each other at the school.

It's very tragic.

- Okay, no, in this country

it's more like a single student shoots other students.

- Because he's in a cartel,

so he's taking out the family of his rival.

I understand.

- Nope. It's not a cartel thing.

- Mm. Okay, excuse me. Sorry.

- Yes, Diego.

- He is the drug lord of the school, right?

And he's trying to tell everybody that he is the man.

- No, it's more like he's just a lonely kid.

- I'm sorry, lonely?

- Yes, or like, like really shy.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, I'm sorry. My English is not very good.

The student must want something, right?

Money or power, revenge.

- No, he's, like, looking for something like a date.

- But does he get the date or...?

- No, he usually kills them.

Okay? It's messed up.

Yes?

- If he is not in a cartel,

then where is he getting his guns?

- You can get guns anywhere. It's America.

I can get you a gun.

- Let's move on.

Let's move on. I'm sorry, everybody.

- I mean, mass shootings happen anywhere that there's a crowd.

A movie theater, a nightclub, a church.

You may remember one recently that happened in Las Vegas

at the concert.

- Okay, concerts make sense.

Because the singer was singing narcocorridos

about a rival cartel member,

so they shot him to send a message.

- No, actually, the singer wasn't hurt.

- He was aiming at the singer,

missed, and shot some innocent bystanders?

- No, he was aiming at the innocent bystanders.

- Because they were in a rival cartel.

- No one was in a cartel.

- The shooter had a blood feud with his victims.

- The shooter did not know his victims.

- He took their money after he killed them.

- Shot himself. Killed himself.

He didn't get anything out of it.

- Okay.

I'm not gonna get this, so...

sorry to interrupt.

- It's all right. You'll get it eventually.

Where are you going?

- Oh, I'm just going back to Central America.

It is super dangerous,

but they have rules I can understand.

- Can't argue with that. [laughs]

- I'm so sorry. Good luck.

- Okay, let's talk about opioids.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- Thank you all for being here.

You've been my dearest friends for as long as I can remember,

and I love each one of you.

And Arturo, uh...

you're also here.

- I'm glad I'm here, too.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- To Casey.

- So how long have you two been dating?

- Three weeks.

- Oh. Wow.

- I know. It's very exciting.

Hey, do you know when we're doing gifts?

- We're not.

Casey thinks gifts are consumer bullshit.

- Got it.

No gifts. So unnecessary.

[loud clang]

- Ow!

What is that?

Hey, did somebody bring a gift?

- Oh.

- Who would do that?

You know, Casey doesn't like gifts, people.

I personally think they are consumer bullshit,

and I'm not afraid to say it.

It says-- - Don't read that.

- To Casey, with budding love and relatively new

but definitely real affection.

From Arturo.

- Arturo, did you... do you get me a gift?

- Yeah, I didn't know we weren't doing gifts.

I'm sorry--

- Oh.

It's okay.

Here, I'll open it.

- No, you don't have to.

Let's enjoy...

hors d'oeuvres?

- Wow--um...

it's so--it's so big.

[laughs]

What does this button do?

- Please don't press--

[all gasping]

- Um...wow.

This is...

a lot.

But--but very sweet.

But--but mostly a lot.

- Yeah, you know, you can just open it later, or never.

That would be fun.

- Oh, my God.

- It's not that big a deal.

- [laughs]

That's hilarious. Is that--is that a hat?

[laughs]

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, what?

- Oh, my God. For a second, I thought it was a real gift.

This is so ugly.

[laughter]

- Yeah.

Ew.

- Oh, my God. That's hideous.

I love it. Let me take a selfie with it.

- [laughs]

- Oh, my God. And she hates hats.

You know her so well. What a--what a great guy.

- Did nobody else bring a prank gift?

- Yeah.

[camera clicks]

[cool percussive music]

[clock ticking]

- Narcocorrido, or drug ballad,

is a style of folk music born in the north of Mexico.

The music's themes deal with the dangerous and violent

lives of the most famous drug smugglers.

Tonight we talk to Juan Trevino,

and his narcocorrido band, Las Arañas,

to find out what inspires them.

- Ay ay ay ay ay!

- Now as we know, traditional narcocorrido music is all about

drug lords and gangsters and vicious killers.

- Yes, and we do enjoy singing about these men.

We do.

But it has its downsides.

If Jorge loses one more finger,

he will not be able to play E minor.

But now we sing about different

but equally dangerous criminals.

[trumpet blares]

Paco, Paco. Too loud, man.

Too loud.

- Why don't we take a look at one of your latest songs?

[singing in Spanish]

Ay ay ay ay ay!

- Hey, stop following me, assholes.

Did--did you follow around an actual jaywalker

for that video?

- Yes. Yes, we did follow him,

because we are not afraid of anything.

No fear.

[trumpet blares]

Paco, Paco, Paco!

What did I just say, man?

The big noises, okay. They're a lot, brother.

- Okay, let's take a look at another one of your songs.

- If you losers tell on me, I'll kick your ass.

- You guys scare very easily.

- No way, ma'am.

If we got scared so easily,

why would we name our band Las Arañas?

- The Spiders?

- Where, where, where? I hate them. Where?

[trumpet blares]

Paco, enough!

You are done. You are done.

- Nothing you guys sing about is even remotely dangerous.

- Then you obviously haven't heard our song

about the most ruthless killer.

"El Asesino."

- The Assassin.

Okay, now we're talking.

- If you can handle it. Let's play it.

- Okay, I don't want to be rude,

but you guys are pathetic,

and this was a total waste of my time.

- That was, like, extremely rude.

Uncalled for.

[gasps]

Orale.

[mariachi music]

Spider! Spider!

[clock ticking]

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

[pop music]

- Hello. - Hi.

- Can I please return this as quickly as possible?

- Oh, of course.

Kate, can you come up front and handle this return?

- [laughs]

Well, hello, valued customer.

Let me guess. She didn't like it.

- Actually, she loved it.

It's just...

too small for her head. - Oh.

- Yeah, she has a very big head,

and it's very embarrassing to her,

so please, let's stop talking about it.

- So you'll just need to exchange it

for a larger size, then?

- It gave her a horrible rash.

You know, and she's really in deep pain right now,

and just--don't want to sue.

I just want my money back. Okay?

- She doesn't have a rash.

- She died.

- Oh. - Horribly.

It's really painful to talk about.

- Look, I'll make you a deal, okay?

You don't have a receipt, so you can't return the hat.

But I'll make an exception,

if you admit you should've taken my advice.

- What's up, bro?

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

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