Original subtitles

- Arturo. - [laughs]

- [laughs] My man.

Perrier?

- Oh, no, thanks, too bubbly.

Sensitive throat from tenor camp in high school.

- Mm, all right, my fourth of the day.

- Cool.

- Ahh.

Arturo, I like you.

I like the way you act. I like the way you look.

And now that we've met in person,

I like the way you smell.

- Musk by Stallone.

- Oh, of course.

I've been watching your career,

and I want you to screen test for a starring role

in our new superhero franchise.

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

- Oh, God, you want me to play a superhero?

- Well, screen test, all right?

It's down to you and four other great actors, big names.

I mean, have you heard of Oscar Isaac?

- Yeah, I'm familiar, yeah.

- Yeah, he's from Guatemala too.

- Yeah, so I heard. I heard that about him, yeah.

- Seems like you guys probably crossed paths at some point?

- No, we haven't. - Really?

Probably run into him on an audition?

- I think we audition for different stuff.

- What about "Star"--you audition for "Star Wars"?

- Mm-mm. - Oh, you should have

auditioned for "Star Wars."

- Yes. - You would have loved that.

- So what's the role?

- All right, so are you ready for this?

He's the first Latino superhero ever.

It's the next "Black Panther."

- My God, that movie was huge for the black community.

- Yeah, and it made a ton of money.

- Right, but it was also the first time kids got to see

a black superhero on screen.

I mean, it made huge strides.

- Made huge strides at the box office too, right?

- Okay, mm-hmm. - I mean, a Latino superhero.

25% of movie tickets are bought by you people.

- You--you people?

- Yeah, and you are going to love this character.

He's strong, he's complex,

he's crucial in today's current climate.

- Oh, my God, yes.

What's--what's his name?

- He is...La Pulga.

Oh, La Pulga.

- Uh, The--The Flea?

- Well, I think we're gonna stick with La Pulga.

Not really taking notes on the title right now.

- Mm-hmm.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[all murmuring indistinctly]

- Good afternoon.

Nancy.

My time away has...

humbled me.

And I'm very, very grateful to be back.

Two weeks ago I used a word

that no one should ever, ever use.

It was a vulgar and offense word used to describe

the female genitalia.

And I used it towards a coworker.

So before the big shareholder meeting next Tuesday,

I wanted to apologize for my inexcusable behavior

and to make a promise that I will never again

use this word.

Tiffany and I had a miscommunication

as to whether or not a beverage should be iced.

And I thought at the time that she was being...

that her behavior was that of a cunt.

C-word.

You know what? Let...

Let me start over.

I grew up in a different time, where words like these

could be used casually, you know, like,

hey or howdy.

But I realize the times have changed

and that my words were offensive to Tiffany.

What I learned too late in life was that when you have power

over someone, you just cannot used certain words

to describe them,

whether or not you thought it was a real cunt move

to report you to HR.

God damn it.

I'm gonna take some time

to think long and hard about my actions.

Excuse me.

Cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt.

Don't fucking say it.

Don't fucking say it.

In the past ten seconds, I've done a lot of soul-searching.

And I've realized that there is no circumstance

where I or anyone else can use that word.

I will now give a sincere apology

without using that word at all.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Cunt.

God damn it.

Okay, look,

I know it's a bad word,

and I understand why it's offensive,

so I am truly sorry, Tiffany,

and I will see you next Tuesday.

You see what I did there?

"See you next Tuesday."

It spells cunt.

God damn it.

God damn it.

I have learned a lot today, and I cunt thank you eno--

ahh!

Next Tuesday.

♪ ♪

- [speaking Spanish]

Yo, my life is awesome.

Ha-ha.

Uh-oh, hey, mamacitas,

you want to take a picture with Pitbull?

Come on, generosity, generosity.

Blessings, blessings.

Okay, let's do it.

Hey, above ground, above ground, above ground.

That's enough.

Not too much Pitbull for you.

What's up, young man? You want to take a picture?

- No, I'm good.

- You don't want a picture with me?

- Nah, you're a douche.

- But I'm Mr. Worldwide.

- Yeah, more like Mr. Worldwide douche.

[upbeat music winding down]

♪ ♪

- You all right, boss?

Drink your Bud Light Lime.

- [laughs] - Yeah.

- Dale. - Yeah.

- My life is awesome.

[dark music]

- More like Mr. Worldwide douche, Worldwide douche,

Worldwide douche, Worldwide douche.

- [gasps]

[breathing heavily]

[keyboard clacking]

- ♪ Sexy ♪

♪ Sexy ♪

♪ Uh, sexy ♪

♪ Sexy ♪

No, that's got to be the same song, right?

No, it's not. It's, like, four different albums.

Ha-ha, dale is a way of life, man, okay?

When you dale, you have to dale 100%, okay?

You have to feel it right here in your heart meat.

What the fuck am I talking about?

Dale doo-doo,

bad-doo-ga-doo-ga-doong, mm-mm.

[dark music]

Am I a douche?

♪ ♪

Oh, shit.

Oh, I think I'm a douche.

♪ ♪

[sniffling]

Mami, Papi, where'd I go wrong?

Did I dale too hard?

[line trilling]

- What up? You've reached Pitbull's parents.

We're probably partying around the 305.

Leave a message. [air horn blaring]

- Yo, what up, parents?

It's me, Pitbull.

I just wanted to talk, 'cause I'm feeling a little...

[phone beeping]

- We're sorry. Your call has been disconnected.

[sobbing]

¿Por qué?

[tense music]

- Pitbull?

- Pitbull.

- Mr. Worldwide.

- Yo, something's wrong.

[air horn blaring]

Pitbull.

[air horn blaring]

- Armando. - Dude, no real names.

He hates that.

[air horns blaring]

- All Pitbull wanted to do was dale all over the world.

Why have you forsaken me?

Why? Why?

- Yo, Pitbull.

What you doin' up there?

- Yo, I'm in a real bad place right now, man.

I think I suck or something. - What?

No way. You Pitbull, man.

- Yeah. - I know, man.

I think that's the problem.

- Come on, man.

Do you remember what you said to me the first time we met?

You looked me dead in the eye and said,

"You see that shorty over there?

"She got a fat ass.

Go ask her if I can touch it."

- That's terrible, man.

I sounded like a creeper in the 305.

- You're wrong. Nobody can do what you do,

even if you do it a lot

and in the same way every time.

- Yeah, you're not Mr. 305 no more.

You're Mr. Worldwide. - Yeah.

both: ♪ Worldwide Worldwide Worldwide Worldwide ♪

- ♪ Dale, dale culo, dale ♪

Oh, yeah.

I'm Mr. Worldwide.

both: Yeah.

- This biggidy-boy is a diggidy-dog.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- I can do anything. - Anything.

- Anything you want. - I can fly.

- Yeah. Oh, wait, no. - What? No.

- [shouts] - No, no, no, no.

Oh.

- [groans]

Dale.

[air horn blares]

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- What do you guys think? It's pretty cool, right?

- I mean, La Pulga, he's an insect.

- Right, but so it Ant-Man, and everybody loves Ant-Man.

- No, people love Paul Rudd.

And you're no Paul Rudd.

- Thank you, Jen, keeping it honest.

- La Pulga has this move where he latches on to his enemies,

and he sucks the life from them.

- Isn't that great?

- Pretty obvious statement about Latinos being parasites.

- Dude, he's super strong.

Look, he can leap from country to country in a single bound.

- Like a border jumper?

- No, Jen, not like a border jumper.

He can just leap from country to country--

oh, my God, like a border jumper.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, wow.

Should I cancel the screen test?

- I mean, we're not saying not to do it,

but maybe just something to be aware of.

- Right.

I mean, it's still an important movie, right?

- Wow, La Pulga takes a lot of naps.

- Because saving the world is exhausting, okay?

- Yeah, that must be it.

- Let me tell you something.

It's not about the story, man.

It's about the moment in history, okay?

Imagine what this could do for the community?

Imagine this, right?

You're a Latino kid, right?

You're in the movie theater, lights go down,

Suddenly, boom on the screen, like, what's that, you know?

Something super fast, right?

And suddenly, boom, credits...

La Pugla.

- Why are you sticking your hip out like that?

- This is how heroes stand.

- Like a mad mom? - All right, fine.

- La Pulga.

- You look like a teapot, like an angry teapot.

- Fine.

- Yeah, maybe a little tougher.

- Yeah, muscles.

- Are you holding in a fart?

- You guys suck.

- This audition is fucked.

[cool percussive music]

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

- Mm, cool.

- It was so fun meeting your friends tonight.

- Yeah, I wanted to bring that up, actually.

I don't think we should be hanging out

with each other's friends.

'cause it makes this seem a little more serious

than it is, all right?

- Well, we've been seeing each other for six months.

- We've been theoretically talking

for about six months, yeah.

- Are you my boyfriend?

- [inhales] Yep.

The thing is, there's so much going on

in my career right now,

and that's where my focus has to be.

'Cause I can be out of here at, boom, any moment.

[glasses ding]

- Cheers to an amazing two years.

Happy anniversary.

- [inhales] Yeah, I'd prefer if we didn't use that word.

- Anniversary? - Yeah.

It just sort of implies, like,

this is more serious than it is.

I've got to keep it loose, you know.

I'm just trying to be honest, you know, not hurt you.

- I am so happy we're taking this step.

- [inhales] Yeah, I think we should see it more

as two people who are just really attracted

to each other, you know.

- But we're building a home together.

- Right, and I love you and shit; I do.

It's just that my high school girlfriend cheated on me.

- That was 15 years ago.

- And I just find it hard to trust or change my behavior

in any way, right?

So, Chelsea, we've been talking for five-ish years now,

and yeah, I'm down to keep hanging with you,

like, low stakes, you know?

- Rodney, yes or no?

- Oh, yeah, like, I do and shit, but, like,

you know, let's play it by ear and whatnot.

[chuckles] She's cool.

She's super cool, but I'm just really making moves

in my career right now, so...

- I do.

- I could be out of here any moment.

You know what I mean.

Yeah. - No.

- Yes. All right, thanks for everything, bro.

All right, let's party, yeah?

- Um, wait for me.

- Oh, yeah, you coming? - Yeah.

- All right, cool, cool, cool, Yeah, my bad.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, so it's, like, hella life-changing

that we made a human or whatever, but...

[inhales] I just don't want us to take this

too seriously, you know, 'cause...'cause of my career.

- Yeah, when you're done heating up that bottle,

she needs a diaper change.

- Yeah, see, about that,

I don't think we're at a point where I can be

told what to do by you, you know?

- Uh-huh, I'll be home at 5:00.

- Right.

I'm just a lone wolf. You know what I'm saying?

[camera shutter clicks] - Look at our little girl.

- Yeah, we raised a person with such elegance and poise.

Just checking. You don't think we're exclusive, right?

- We've been together for 25 years.

- Yeah, I just don't like labels.

- Hi.

- What's up, baby? - [mouthing words]

- Killing it.

- Rodney, I've always loved you.

And despite your generally shitty attitude

towards our relationship, I know that you love me too.

- Yeah, and I am, you know, into you as well

in terms of, like,

hanging out for the past 62 years and whatnot,

but you know me.

I could be out of here at any moment.

[heart rate monitor flatlining]

- [gaps]

[sobbing]

- Yeah, so I'm down to haunt you or whatever,

but, like, in a non-exclusive way, you know,

so feel free to do stuff with other ghosts.

I guess I'll see you at home.

I'll be in the attic.

Peace.

Ghost butt. Just kidding.

[laughs]

- Fuck.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- All right, I want the camera to just slam in there

on that last line, right?

Just, like, bam.

It's gonna look so as fuck, dude.

It's gonna be great.

There he is. Yes.

Dude, you look dope as fuck right now.

Oh, my God, man.

You're making that super suit more super.

- Oh, thank you so much, man. I appreciate it.

- How are you feeling? Feeling good?

- I'm feeling great, man. Thank you.

Thank you for this opportunity. - Sure.

You're gonna love this. Okay, Alan, get over here.

Come here.

Alan.

- Hey, Arturo. I'm Alan.

Nice to meet you.

- Hey, Alan. What's up? What's--

- It's La Pulga's sidekick, La Cucaracha.

[laughs] Check it out.

[instrumental version of "La Cucaracha"]

It's his distress signal.

The song. The...

- Mm-mm, no, nope, nope.

That did it.

Can you turn that shit off, please?

Sorry. Sorry, Alan.

I can't do this, man.

I can't--who even wrote this movie, man?

- Ethan and Tyler.

- Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Cool.

Well, let me tell you guys something.

Ethan and Tyler, you don't know shit about Latino culture.

No offense, all right?

Dude, this script is, like, chock-full of stereotypes.

Okay, so my nemesis is the "Iceman," right?

Ah, okay.

When he's in miniature form,

he lives inside a tequila bottle.

Are you serious?

- No? That's not--no good? - No.

And what's with all the naps?

He's always napping.

And don't think I don't know you mean siestas.

Look, we need more Latino representation.

We do, and I would love it if we could have

a Latin superhero, but this--this--

it's not the way, man.

It's not the way, and I can't be a part of it.

We've got to be responsible.

You know what I mean?

So thanks for the opportunity, dude, but I'm out.

- Wow, Arturo, that's--thank you for your honesty.

That's--that's a lot.

You know, I respect it.

I don't agree necessarily.

'Cause I think this film is gonna be baller as fuck.

- Right. - But I hear you.

You got morals, right?

And you're not just gonna throw them away

for a shit-ton of money.

That's cool. That's cool.

I see you. - Yeah.

- I see you. - How much money

is a shit-ton of money? - Seven figures.

- [chuckles] - Yeah.

- Like, high seven figures or...

- If it were, like, one more dollar,

it would be eight figures.

- Right. Thanks for the update again.

- Sure, absolutely. - Alan, shall we?

- No, I'm good.

- Cool.

[cool percussive music]

[Latin-tinged guitar music]

- Hello, Ann Arbor.

You might have heard this song on the radio.

Okay, now sing along if you know the words.

[singing in Spanish]

- What do you think the words mean?

- I don't know.

It's probably about how he loves to dance.

- Spanish is such a beautiful language.

Sing it with me, Ann Arbor. Vamos, dale!

[all singing in Spanish]

- All right, Ann Arbor,

are you ready for our special guest?

[all cheer]

You might remember him from the hit remix to our song.

Please welcome White Casey.

[cheers and applause]

Hit it, White Casey.

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ Girl you know I love to dance ♪

♪ Ohh-ooh dance dance dance dance ♪

♪ I love to dance ♪

- I knew that's what it was about.

- Whoo.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, how do you say "thank you so much,

Ann Arbor," in Spanish?

- [speaking Spanish]

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- It was a ton of money, but I just--I couldn't do it, man.

I couldn't.

My conscience wouldn't let me, you know?

There will be other jobs, but I--

I only have one culture, so cheers to integrity.

- Crazy Oscar Isaac agreed to do it, though, right?

- Excuse me? - You didn't it online.

- No.

- "Isaac is excited to represent Latinos

all over the world, saying, "We're gonna do huge things."

- Why would he do that super-racist movie?

- It's here too. Look.

"Upon Isaac's request, the script will be rewritten

"in order to reflect the realities

of the Latino community."

- Oh, I did not know that was an option.

- Ooh, there's more.

Oh, there's lots more.

- Okay, will you excuse me?

- "The film is set to be released on November 26th."

Isn't that your birthday?

- Heh, it's crazy.

- "In honor of the film's release,

Guatemala is naming 26th Oscar Isaac Day."

- God damn it! - Huh.

- You're just making stuff up now, right?

- Yeah, it's really fun.

- Cool.

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