Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,172 --> 00:00:10,592
[mellow music]
2
00:00:10,620 --> 00:00:13,030
- What are you going to do
when we get to America?
3
00:00:13,068 --> 00:00:14,828
- I just want
to find work quickly
4
00:00:14,862 --> 00:00:16,972
so I can send money home
to my family.
5
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,100
What about you?
6
00:00:18,137 --> 00:00:20,857
- My husband has already
been there for two years,
7
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:22,446
so I'm joining him.
8
00:00:22,482 --> 00:00:25,342
- How wonderful.
What about you, Blanca?
9
00:00:25,379 --> 00:00:27,789
- It's very dangerous
in my city now.
10
00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:29,857
I just want
a safe place to live.
11
00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:32,376
- Oh.
And you, stranger?
12
00:00:32,413 --> 00:00:35,383
[dark music]
13
00:00:35,413 --> 00:00:37,383
♪
14
00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:39,553
- I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do, old man.
15
00:00:39,586 --> 00:00:42,616
As soon as I get to America,
16
00:00:42,655 --> 00:00:44,785
I'm going to commit
17
00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:46,857
massive vote fraud.
18
00:00:46,896 --> 00:00:48,406
That's right.
19
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,518
I'm gonna get 3 million
of my amigos together,
20
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,721
and we're just gonna do it.
21
00:00:51,758 --> 00:00:55,928
Then I'm gonna take jobs
from hardworking Americans.
22
00:00:55,965 --> 00:00:59,165
Yes, first the farm jobs,
then the factory jobs,
23
00:00:59,206 --> 00:01:00,616
and then fuck it,
24
00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:02,235
I'll get into
a graduate program
25
00:01:02,275 --> 00:01:03,405
through affirmative action,
26
00:01:03,448 --> 00:01:04,928
and I'm gonna take
the lawyer jobs
27
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:08,275
and the doctor jobs and
the aerospace engineer jobs.
28
00:01:08,310 --> 00:01:11,660
But then I'm gonna be
too lazy to work.
29
00:01:11,689 --> 00:01:14,549
So I'm gonna live
off the American taxpayer.
30
00:01:14,586 --> 00:01:16,856
- How does that
make any sense?
31
00:01:16,896 --> 00:01:18,826
- Don't worry about it.
32
00:01:18,862 --> 00:01:24,932
And then I'm gonna join
the ultraviolent gang, MS-15.
33
00:01:24,965 --> 00:01:27,655
- Isn't it MS-13?
34
00:01:27,689 --> 00:01:30,339
- No. No, this one's
way more dangerous.
35
00:01:30,379 --> 00:01:32,309
2/15 more dangerous.
36
00:01:32,344 --> 00:01:34,284
Then I'm gonna sprinkle
these gang members
37
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:36,590
all over Iowa
38
00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:41,030
and get everybody
addicted to ecstasies.
39
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:42,898
- I don't think ecstasy
is addictive.
40
00:01:42,931 --> 00:01:44,101
- It is the way I make it.
41
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:45,787
Okay, I put heroin
and stuff in it.
42
00:01:45,827 --> 00:01:47,657
I'm going become
the Walter White
43
00:01:47,689 --> 00:01:49,829
of the Des Moines
metropolitan area,
44
00:01:49,862 --> 00:01:53,072
and then I'm gonna graffiti
all of their cheese shops.
45
00:01:53,103 --> 00:01:54,553
Oh, is that your store?
I'm sorry.
46
00:01:54,586 --> 00:01:56,756
fuck your cheese shop!
[laughs]
47
00:01:56,793 --> 00:01:58,283
They can't stop me.
48
00:01:58,310 --> 00:01:59,550
I'm gonna destroy their
49
00:01:59,586 --> 00:02:01,926
American way of life
and culture.
50
00:02:01,965 --> 00:02:03,165
- You are crazy, man.
51
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,336
- Am I?
Am I, old man?
52
00:02:05,379 --> 00:02:08,789
Admit it,
you wanna do it too.
53
00:02:08,827 --> 00:02:12,477
You wanna get to America
and burn it all to the ground.
54
00:02:12,517 --> 00:02:14,377
- No, I really don't.
55
00:02:14,413 --> 00:02:16,523
- I feel like you do.
56
00:02:16,551 --> 00:02:18,171
We could do it, you know?
57
00:02:18,206 --> 00:02:19,896
The 12 of us alone
58
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,031
could destroy America!
59
00:02:22,068 --> 00:02:23,968
Who's with me?
60
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,410
Who's with me?
61
00:02:25,448 --> 00:02:26,858
[tires screech]
62
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,516
[groaning]
63
00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:35,339
[dark music]
64
00:02:35,379 --> 00:02:39,549
♪
65
00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:41,276
Hello, Mr. President.
66
00:02:41,310 --> 00:02:43,340
Yeah, they found me out again.
67
00:02:43,379 --> 00:02:46,029
Yeah, don't worry, next time
I'll be a lot less subtle.
68
00:02:46,068 --> 00:02:48,518
Now could you please send
a helicopter or something?
69
00:02:48,551 --> 00:02:50,211
I feel my makeup
is starting to run,
70
00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:53,831
and these Mexicans
are real, real scary.
71
00:02:53,862 --> 00:02:55,762
Okay, I'll just hide
in the bushes, okay?
72
00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:58,863
I love you too.
73
00:02:58,896 --> 00:03:01,926
[upbeat music]
74
00:03:01,965 --> 00:03:08,895
♪
75
00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:17,032
- ♪ Time has us lose
76
00:03:17,068 --> 00:03:19,098
[doorbell chimes]
77
00:03:19,137 --> 00:03:24,277
♪ Distant and strange
78
00:03:24,310 --> 00:03:26,790
- Alexa, stop
the heartbreak mix.
79
00:03:29,137 --> 00:03:32,027
- Tia Celia, Tia Marta.
80
00:03:32,068 --> 00:03:33,098
What are you doing here?
81
00:03:33,137 --> 00:03:35,277
- Your mom told us
about Renee.
82
00:03:35,310 --> 00:03:37,690
- Yeah, yeah, we broke up.
83
00:03:37,724 --> 00:03:38,934
Me and Renee,
not me and my mom.
84
00:03:38,965 --> 00:03:40,275
Me and my mom are--
we're tight.
85
00:03:40,310 --> 00:03:42,240
- Your mom put out
the Mom Signal
86
00:03:42,275 --> 00:03:43,895
and dispatched us.
87
00:03:43,931 --> 00:03:45,691
- We dropped everything and
flew straight here from Miami.
88
00:03:45,724 --> 00:03:47,144
- Uh-huh.
- Look, I appreciate you
89
00:03:47,172 --> 00:03:49,282
coming all this way,
but I'm a grown man,
90
00:03:49,310 --> 00:03:51,550
and I do not need my mommy
to send me and help.
91
00:03:51,586 --> 00:03:52,656
- So we're just
supposed to leave?
92
00:03:52,689 --> 00:03:53,689
- No, I didn't say that.
93
00:03:53,724 --> 00:03:55,284
- You're just gonna
disrespect your family
94
00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:56,760
and kick your tias
to the curb?
95
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:59,103
Like something spoiled
in the refrigerator?
96
00:03:59,137 --> 00:04:01,477
Like two pieces of stale bread
that you left in the cupboard?
97
00:04:01,517 --> 00:04:03,827
Like old papayas that you don't
even remember you had there?
98
00:04:03,862 --> 00:04:06,242
- You already won the argument.
You're inside the house.
99
00:04:06,275 --> 00:04:08,445
- Like a goat that's too big
to keep in the barn.
100
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:12,142
[upbeat music]
101
00:04:12,172 --> 00:04:15,072
Oh, oh, your tia knows
what you need.
102
00:04:15,103 --> 00:04:16,313
♪
103
00:04:16,344 --> 00:04:18,104
Tamale.
104
00:04:18,137 --> 00:04:20,167
The best cure
for a broken heart.
105
00:04:20,206 --> 00:04:21,236
- I don't want a tamale.
106
00:04:21,275 --> 00:04:22,335
Do you know how many carbs
are in that?
107
00:04:22,379 --> 00:04:24,589
- Ay, gordito.You're too skinny.
108
00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:26,140
- Stop calling me fatty then.
109
00:04:26,172 --> 00:04:27,552
That's the only reason
I stopped eating tamales
110
00:04:27,586 --> 00:04:29,616
to begin with.
- So who's this girl?
111
00:04:29,655 --> 00:04:31,545
- She's incredibly smart
and incredibly beautiful,
112
00:04:31,586 --> 00:04:33,686
and I thought she was going to
be the mother of my children.
113
00:04:33,724 --> 00:04:34,974
No big deal.
114
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,790
- Ay, mijo, don't let
some girl make you sad.
115
00:04:36,827 --> 00:04:38,447
Come on, show me those dimples.
116
00:04:38,482 --> 00:04:39,692
- I don't want to.
117
00:04:39,724 --> 00:04:42,284
- I'm gonna come get
those dimples!
118
00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:44,030
- No, stop, that hasn't worked
since I'm five years old.
119
00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:45,308
Stop it.
- I can see the dimples.
120
00:04:45,344 --> 00:04:46,484
- No, uh-uh.
- You can't hide them.
121
00:04:46,517 --> 00:04:47,477
- Even if you're not smiling.
122
00:04:47,517 --> 00:04:48,687
- They're not there.
I know my own dimples.
123
00:04:48,724 --> 00:04:50,454
Okay, stop treating me
like a toddler.
124
00:04:50,482 --> 00:04:51,692
Please, it's not helping.
125
00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:52,974
- I know what you need.
126
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,590
- No, I don't want
any Vicks VapoRub.
127
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:55,620
- Just a little bit.
128
00:04:55,655 --> 00:04:56,785
- Look, I hate
to break it to you,
129
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:58,477
but Vicks VapoRub
doesn't solve all problems.
130
00:04:58,517 --> 00:05:00,027
- It solves everything.
131
00:05:00,068 --> 00:05:02,278
You remember when your
primo Juanito broke his leg
132
00:05:02,310 --> 00:05:04,000
from falling
off that horse, huh?
133
00:05:04,034 --> 00:05:06,004
Un poquito VapoRub,
he's fine now.
134
00:05:06,034 --> 00:05:07,214
- He still has a limp.
135
00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:08,521
- Just let me put
a little bit on.
136
00:05:08,551 --> 00:05:10,141
- No, no, please, I don't
want any fucking VapoRub.
137
00:05:10,172 --> 00:05:11,142
[both gasp]
138
00:05:11,172 --> 00:05:12,482
Okay, I'm sorry.
No, no--I'm sorry.
139
00:05:12,517 --> 00:05:14,237
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please, please, look, look.
140
00:05:14,275 --> 00:05:15,275
I appreciate you
trying to help,
141
00:05:15,310 --> 00:05:17,550
but I'm just having
a little trouble
142
00:05:17,586 --> 00:05:18,996
looking forward to life
without her, okay?
143
00:05:19,034 --> 00:05:20,904
So for now,
I just want to be sad
144
00:05:20,931 --> 00:05:22,971
for maybe until I die
I don't know.
145
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,030
- Nonsense. You're gonna
go get dressed,
146
00:05:25,068 --> 00:05:27,788
we're gonna go out
and we're gonna get facedshit.
147
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,337
- Do you mean shitfaced?
148
00:05:29,379 --> 00:05:30,859
- [gasps]
- Why would you hit me with it?
149
00:05:30,896 --> 00:05:32,716
She said it first.
She said it first.
150
00:05:32,758 --> 00:05:34,518
The sandalia
is only for children.
151
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,001
Now go get ready.
152
00:05:36,034 --> 00:05:37,694
- Please stop telling me
what to do in my own house.
153
00:05:37,724 --> 00:05:39,694
- Go!
- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
154
00:05:39,724 --> 00:05:42,524
[upbeat music]
155
00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:45,621
[dramatic music]
156
00:05:45,655 --> 00:05:47,475
[crowd boos]
157
00:05:47,517 --> 00:05:50,827
- Ball four!
158
00:05:50,862 --> 00:05:51,902
- Hey, I'm sorry, man.
159
00:05:51,931 --> 00:05:53,171
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
160
00:05:53,206 --> 00:05:54,716
I just can't get it
over the plate.
161
00:05:54,758 --> 00:05:56,168
- It's okay, look--
- Oh, God.
162
00:05:56,206 --> 00:05:57,656
- Just--just forget
about the crowd.
163
00:05:57,689 --> 00:05:59,829
All right,
forget about the batter.
164
00:05:59,862 --> 00:06:02,072
Pretend I'm your dad
or something.
165
00:06:02,103 --> 00:06:03,933
No pressure, all right?
166
00:06:03,965 --> 00:06:06,135
We're just playing catch
in your backyard.
167
00:06:06,172 --> 00:06:08,622
- Okay, you're my dad.
Got it, got it.
168
00:06:08,655 --> 00:06:11,235
That's good.
Wait, wait, wait.
169
00:06:11,275 --> 00:06:12,615
- What's up?
170
00:06:12,655 --> 00:06:15,065
- Which backyard though?
- Huh?
171
00:06:15,103 --> 00:06:16,833
- No, was it the one
we lived in with my mom
172
00:06:16,862 --> 00:06:18,482
or, you know, the new place
you got with--
173
00:06:18,517 --> 00:06:19,927
with that woman Jessica?
174
00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:24,205
- It's, uh, wherever
you feel more comfortable.
175
00:06:24,241 --> 00:06:26,101
- I just never saw
his new place, you know?
176
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:27,857
So I'm just gonna say
it's my mom's backyard.
177
00:06:27,896 --> 00:06:29,136
Is that cool?
- Yeah.
178
00:06:29,172 --> 00:06:30,142
All right, man.
179
00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:32,722
[organ music playing]
180
00:06:32,758 --> 00:06:36,898
[dramatic music]
181
00:06:36,931 --> 00:06:38,171
[crowd boos]
182
00:06:38,206 --> 00:06:40,096
- Dad?
- Oh, no.
183
00:06:40,137 --> 00:06:42,447
- Wait? Wait?
What are you doing here?
184
00:06:42,482 --> 00:06:44,452
- Is he talking to me?
- No, he's not.
185
00:06:44,482 --> 00:06:47,342
He, uh--
- What are you doing here?
186
00:06:47,379 --> 00:06:50,279
- I'm...sorry.
187
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,520
- You just show up out of
the blue after all these years.
188
00:06:52,551 --> 00:06:53,971
You expect me to forgive you?
189
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,210
Where you been?
No, I don't wanna talk to you.
190
00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:58,481
I'm my own man.
- Okay. Hey, hey.
191
00:06:58,517 --> 00:07:00,447
It's the catcher talking.
- Oh, hey, man.
192
00:07:00,482 --> 00:07:02,762
- This is not what I meant.
- Oh. [chuckles]
193
00:07:02,793 --> 00:07:04,173
I'm sorry, man,
I just picked this stage
194
00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:06,306
in our relationship where
things were super complicated.
195
00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:07,414
- No more dad.
196
00:07:07,448 --> 00:07:09,828
You're just playing
catch in your backyard
197
00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:11,622
with someone else.
198
00:07:11,655 --> 00:07:13,275
- Why would I play catch
with someone else
199
00:07:13,310 --> 00:07:14,620
when my dad
just came back, man?
200
00:07:14,655 --> 00:07:15,995
- Forget the dad thing.
201
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:18,454
Just me, Jackson,
you, Suarez,
202
00:07:18,482 --> 00:07:20,722
are playing catch
in our backyard.
203
00:07:20,758 --> 00:07:22,858
- Okay, so we have
a backyard together.
204
00:07:22,896 --> 00:07:25,856
So are we, like, roommates
in this situation?
205
00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:27,206
'Cause I think that'd
be really cool.
206
00:07:27,241 --> 00:07:28,661
- Whatever.
- Great.
207
00:07:28,689 --> 00:07:30,519
Let's do this!
Let's do this!
208
00:07:33,482 --> 00:07:35,482
Oh.
209
00:07:35,517 --> 00:07:37,407
- Oh, no.
What's he doing?
210
00:07:37,448 --> 00:07:40,548
- Come here.
211
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:43,786
Hey, man, can I tell you
something roomie to roomie?
212
00:07:43,827 --> 00:07:46,337
I have had the wildest
day today, man.
213
00:07:46,379 --> 00:07:47,589
I was at my mom's house,
214
00:07:47,620 --> 00:07:49,900
and then my dad shows up
out of nowhere.
215
00:07:49,931 --> 00:07:51,551
Haven't seen him in years,
and I'm just, like,
216
00:07:51,586 --> 00:07:54,336
really shook right now and I
just wanted a friend, you know?
217
00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:56,659
- Seriously, forget
that I ever said dad!
218
00:07:56,689 --> 00:07:59,449
Just pretend that
you are a pitcher,
219
00:07:59,482 --> 00:08:03,452
I'm a catcher,
and we're at a baseball game
220
00:08:03,482 --> 00:08:06,102
playing baseball.
221
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,757
Your dad doesn't exist.
Never existed.
222
00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:10,863
Just us at this game.
223
00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,826
Got it?
- Yeah, yeah, I got it.
224
00:08:12,862 --> 00:08:14,412
- All right.
- All right.
225
00:08:14,448 --> 00:08:15,898
[organ music playing]
226
00:08:15,931 --> 00:08:18,341
[exhales]
227
00:08:18,379 --> 00:08:21,309
[dramatic music]
228
00:08:21,344 --> 00:08:23,594
♪
229
00:08:23,620 --> 00:08:25,100
Oh.
230
00:08:25,137 --> 00:08:26,857
Oh, God.
- What the hell was that?
231
00:08:26,896 --> 00:08:29,066
- My dad taught me
how to pitch.
232
00:08:29,103 --> 00:08:31,863
If he doesn't exist--
233
00:08:31,896 --> 00:08:33,546
oh, my God, I don't exist.
234
00:08:33,586 --> 00:08:36,376
Oh, my--I don't exist.
235
00:08:36,413 --> 00:08:38,003
Can you see me?
236
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:40,934
Can you see me?
Oh, my God, I don't exist.
237
00:08:40,965 --> 00:08:42,585
Oh, my God, I stopped
existing, everybody.
238
00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:45,520
- Excuse me.
I'm Ricky's dad.
239
00:08:45,551 --> 00:08:49,411
I'm here to tell Ricky that
I'm sorry and that I love him.
240
00:08:49,448 --> 00:08:52,208
- I don't exist!
241
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:53,971
I don't exist!
242
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,280
- Is that him?
- Yep.
243
00:08:56,310 --> 00:08:58,720
- Oh, God.
Oh, God. I'm nothing.
244
00:08:58,758 --> 00:09:00,998
- I wasn't here.
- I'm nothing!
245
00:09:01,034 --> 00:09:03,214
He doesn't exist!
I don't exist!
246
00:09:03,241 --> 00:09:04,591
Ahh!
247
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:06,860
[upbeat music]
248
00:09:09,413 --> 00:09:13,213
[upbeat music]
249
00:09:13,241 --> 00:09:16,211
[Latin dance music]
250
00:09:16,241 --> 00:09:17,481
♪
251
00:09:17,517 --> 00:09:20,687
- And then I signed us up
for pottery class together.
252
00:09:20,724 --> 00:09:24,314
Do you know how sad it is
to cancel pottery class?
253
00:09:24,344 --> 00:09:27,974
- This story is boring!
- Ouch.
254
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,340
- Let's dance!
- I don't wanna dance, tia.
255
00:09:30,379 --> 00:09:32,899
- Hey-hey, hey-hey.
Look at this, look at this.
256
00:09:32,931 --> 00:09:34,381
Come on.
- I don't want to.
257
00:09:34,413 --> 00:09:35,553
- Let's go, get into it,
get into it.
258
00:09:35,586 --> 00:09:37,166
Come on, come on, come on.
- All right, okay, fine.
259
00:09:37,206 --> 00:09:38,826
- [laughing]
260
00:09:38,862 --> 00:09:40,452
Come on.
261
00:09:40,482 --> 00:09:42,792
♪
262
00:09:42,827 --> 00:09:44,717
You're still
a really bad dancer.
263
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:47,028
- I'm not bad.
I'm misunderstood.
264
00:09:47,068 --> 00:09:50,658
[vocalizing]
265
00:09:50,689 --> 00:09:53,689
- Aunt Celia, stop it!
266
00:09:53,724 --> 00:09:55,624
Get away from that man!
267
00:09:55,655 --> 00:09:58,165
- This is some good shit!
268
00:09:58,206 --> 00:09:59,716
Really. Ha!
269
00:09:59,758 --> 00:10:02,138
- Okay, we're good, big guy.
Thank you.
270
00:10:02,172 --> 00:10:03,662
Vamonos
- Que pasó?
271
00:10:03,689 --> 00:10:05,379
- Vamonos.
Excuse us, please.
272
00:10:05,413 --> 00:10:06,453
Excuse us.
273
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:07,762
- Arturo.
274
00:10:07,793 --> 00:10:09,723
- Marta, she was
smoking weed back there.
275
00:10:09,758 --> 00:10:11,788
- Look who I met at the bar.
276
00:10:11,827 --> 00:10:14,897
This is Isabella.
She's Colombian.
277
00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:17,521
- You two should
dance together.
278
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:20,481
- Or, you know,
just talk or something.
279
00:10:20,517 --> 00:10:23,857
- Don't dance.
- Okay, we get it.
280
00:10:23,896 --> 00:10:26,716
I'm so sorry.
They're really drunk.
281
00:10:26,758 --> 00:10:28,378
- That's okay.
They're cute.
282
00:10:28,413 --> 00:10:29,793
- Yeah, they're great.
283
00:10:29,827 --> 00:10:32,657
- So do you want to dance?
284
00:10:32,689 --> 00:10:35,789
♪
285
00:10:35,827 --> 00:10:39,717
- No!
No, no!
286
00:10:39,758 --> 00:10:41,788
Can we please leave?
- Why?
287
00:10:41,827 --> 00:10:43,927
- There's Renee, and she's
with some other guy.
288
00:10:43,965 --> 00:10:45,135
- Another Latino?
289
00:10:45,172 --> 00:10:46,692
- Yeah, she has
a very specific type.
290
00:10:46,724 --> 00:10:49,144
- Don't worry, mijo, I think
I can get that bitch from here.
291
00:10:49,172 --> 00:10:52,552
- No, no, no, no, no.
I just want to go, okay?
292
00:10:52,586 --> 00:10:53,966
Tia Celia!
293
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,620
Stop making out
with weed guy!
294
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:58,715
Can you put her leg down
at least?
295
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:01,688
[upbeat music]
296
00:11:01,724 --> 00:11:03,484
[applause]
297
00:11:07,517 --> 00:11:10,097
- Mr. Secretary,
my fellow delegates,
298
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,067
on behalf of
the Guatemalan people,
299
00:11:12,103 --> 00:11:14,973
I would like to say
how proud I am of all of us
300
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,450
for reaching today's
historic trade agreements,
301
00:11:18,482 --> 00:11:21,592
as well as renewing our pact
against nuclear weapons,
302
00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:26,340
and of course, the unilateral
climate change accords.
303
00:11:26,379 --> 00:11:27,689
Well done.
304
00:11:27,724 --> 00:11:29,664
[applause]
305
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,829
To celebrate this momentous
occasion of solidarity
306
00:11:32,862 --> 00:11:35,482
between our nations,
I would like to propose
307
00:11:35,517 --> 00:11:37,827
we toast with some rum.
308
00:11:37,862 --> 00:11:41,522
The best in the world
from Guatemala.
309
00:11:41,551 --> 00:11:43,141
Cheers to all of you.
310
00:11:43,172 --> 00:11:44,622
[tepid applause]
311
00:11:44,655 --> 00:11:46,925
- If I may, a point
of order, Mr. Secretary.
312
00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:48,405
We would also like
to acknowledge
313
00:11:48,448 --> 00:11:49,968
the historic nature
of this accord,
314
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,930
and in addition we would
like to let the record show
315
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:56,615
that Guatemalan rum is not
the best rum in the world.
316
00:11:56,655 --> 00:11:59,545
Everyone knows that
Venezuelan rum
317
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:02,586
is in fact the best.
318
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:05,550
- The Guatemalan nation
finds itself in total shock
319
00:12:05,586 --> 00:12:07,026
that Venezuela even has a rum.
320
00:12:07,068 --> 00:12:08,448
[laughter]
321
00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:11,342
- Thank you,
representative of Venezuela.
322
00:12:11,379 --> 00:12:13,969
The chair will take that
under consideration,
323
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,660
but I remind my colleagues
that this committee
324
00:12:16,689 --> 00:12:19,929
considers any rum distilled
outside of Mexico
325
00:12:19,965 --> 00:12:22,205
to be wannabe poser horseshit.
326
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,281
[all clamoring]
327
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,280
Order, order,
settle down everyone.
328
00:12:25,310 --> 00:12:28,100
Yes, yes, Representative Perez
from Nicaragua.
329
00:12:28,137 --> 00:12:30,967
I yield the floor.
- Thank you, Mr. Secretary.
330
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,520
Nicaragua would like to add
331
00:12:33,551 --> 00:12:36,621
that our rum is the best.
332
00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:38,515
Pardon me.
333
00:12:38,551 --> 00:12:41,411
And you can all go
fuck yourselves.
334
00:12:41,448 --> 00:12:42,718
[all clamoring]
335
00:12:42,758 --> 00:12:46,098
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
I spoke out of turn.
336
00:12:46,137 --> 00:12:47,997
You can all go
fuck your mothers.
337
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:51,284
[all clamoring]
338
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:52,830
- Please, please,
please, please.
339
00:12:52,862 --> 00:12:55,172
I would like to remind
my fellow representatives
340
00:12:55,206 --> 00:12:58,786
that, one, we have more that
unites us than divides us.
341
00:12:58,827 --> 00:13:01,407
From our rich culture
and history,
342
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,898
to our common goals
for the future.
343
00:13:03,931 --> 00:13:05,241
- Hear, hear.
344
00:13:05,275 --> 00:13:07,205
[applause]
345
00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:08,311
- And number two,
346
00:13:08,344 --> 00:13:11,694
that Nicaraguan rum
tastes like hot piss.
347
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,934
- I agree.
- It just does, I'm sorry.
348
00:13:13,965 --> 00:13:15,755
- Excuse me, Mr. Secretary.
349
00:13:15,793 --> 00:13:17,763
We would like
the record to show
350
00:13:17,793 --> 00:13:20,933
that it seems that the
representative from Guatemala
351
00:13:20,965 --> 00:13:23,095
has drank hot piss before.
352
00:13:23,137 --> 00:13:24,617
all: Ooh.
353
00:13:24,655 --> 00:13:27,545
- Well, yes, when the only
other option is Nicaraguan rum.
354
00:13:27,586 --> 00:13:29,756
- Ooh.
[laughter]
355
00:13:29,793 --> 00:13:31,593
- Please, gentlemen,
let us not forget
356
00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:34,280
the important work
we have done here today.
357
00:13:34,310 --> 00:13:36,450
- On that topic,
Mr. Secretary,
358
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,862
Costa Rica would like
to withdraw our yes vote
359
00:13:39,896 --> 00:13:42,206
on the peace accords
on the grounds
360
00:13:42,241 --> 00:13:46,141
that our rum is made from
only the finest sugar cane
361
00:13:46,172 --> 00:13:49,002
grown in our country's
rich, organic soil.
362
00:13:49,034 --> 00:13:50,974
- Point of order,
the Guatemalan delegation
363
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,450
would like to add,
big fucking deal, same here.
364
00:13:53,482 --> 00:13:55,172
You think you're the only
one with volcanoes?
365
00:13:55,206 --> 00:13:56,966
Anybody not
have volcanoes here?
366
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,620
Raise your hand.
Nobody.
367
00:13:58,655 --> 00:14:00,515
- We all use sugar cane,
you fucking idiot.
368
00:14:00,551 --> 00:14:03,481
- Barbados would like to settle
this matter conclusively
369
00:14:03,517 --> 00:14:05,787
by reminding the council
370
00:14:05,827 --> 00:14:08,897
our nation is
the birthplace of rum
371
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,001
and also Rihanna.
372
00:14:10,034 --> 00:14:12,594
- Of course, of course.
Of course.
373
00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:14,520
- Let the record show
that I would like to have
374
00:14:14,551 --> 00:14:17,621
one summit where the
representative from Barbados
375
00:14:17,655 --> 00:14:19,135
does not mention Rihanna.
376
00:14:19,172 --> 00:14:21,242
- Please, let it also
be recorded,
377
00:14:21,275 --> 00:14:23,405
if someone even
half as hot as Rihanna
378
00:14:23,448 --> 00:14:25,278
were born in your country,
379
00:14:25,310 --> 00:14:28,100
you would bring it up
every single goddamn sentence,
380
00:14:28,137 --> 00:14:29,757
you stupid,
jealous motherfuckers.
381
00:14:29,793 --> 00:14:31,343
[all clamoring]
382
00:14:31,379 --> 00:14:33,519
Don't you come at me,
Ecuador.
383
00:14:33,551 --> 00:14:35,791
- Settle down,
settle down, everyone.
384
00:14:35,827 --> 00:14:38,787
I think the only reasonable
thing to be done
385
00:14:38,827 --> 00:14:41,167
is to nullify today's agreement
386
00:14:41,206 --> 00:14:43,236
and postpone these talks
indefinitely.
387
00:14:43,275 --> 00:14:44,375
- Agreed.
388
00:14:44,413 --> 00:14:46,593
- I now call for a break
so I can use the restroom
389
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:50,280
and take a nice, long
Nicaraguan rum.
390
00:14:50,310 --> 00:14:51,620
[all clamoring]
391
00:14:51,655 --> 00:14:53,165
- I told you
it tastes like piss.
392
00:14:53,206 --> 00:14:54,236
I told you it tastes like piss.
393
00:14:54,275 --> 00:14:55,965
Fuck your
climate change accords.
394
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,520
I like climate change.
395
00:14:57,551 --> 00:14:59,241
I don't want to be cold.
396
00:14:59,275 --> 00:15:01,375
Let's get the fuck
outta here.
397
00:15:01,413 --> 00:15:03,693
[upbeat music]
398
00:15:06,241 --> 00:15:09,211
[upbeat music]
399
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,241
♪
400
00:15:10,275 --> 00:15:12,615
- I told you
I wasn't ready to go out.
401
00:15:12,655 --> 00:15:14,895
All right, you know,
I'm just gonna sleep here,
402
00:15:14,931 --> 00:15:16,901
and I hope I never wake up,
I'll tell you that.
403
00:15:16,931 --> 00:15:18,211
- Sobrino,
enough of this moping.
404
00:15:18,241 --> 00:15:20,691
So she's out with some new guy.
Who cares?
405
00:15:20,724 --> 00:15:22,034
- Look at me.
406
00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:24,308
That's all I do, I care.
All right?
407
00:15:24,344 --> 00:15:26,694
And I can mope if I want to.
408
00:15:26,724 --> 00:15:29,034
I am of legal moping age.
409
00:15:29,068 --> 00:15:32,098
I'll get over this by myself.
You're not helping.
410
00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:34,897
All right?
- Oh, fine.
411
00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:37,381
Give up.
412
00:15:37,413 --> 00:15:40,623
"I'm Arturo.
I'm so depressed."
413
00:15:40,655 --> 00:15:41,715
- That's not nice.
414
00:15:41,758 --> 00:15:43,098
- "Renee, I loved you so much,
415
00:15:43,137 --> 00:15:45,207
even though we only
dated for three months."
416
00:15:45,241 --> 00:15:46,481
- Three and a half.
417
00:15:46,517 --> 00:15:49,447
- "I'm gonna shrivel up and die
over a girl I barely knew.
418
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:52,832
Oh, boo-hoo, my dimples
are gone forever."
419
00:15:52,862 --> 00:15:54,902
Ah!
Did I just see a dimple?
420
00:15:54,931 --> 00:15:56,031
- Nope. Uh-uh.
- It's a dimple!
421
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:59,448
- Two dimples!
Ah, you see!
422
00:15:59,482 --> 00:16:02,662
The spirit of the dimples
can't be crushed.
423
00:16:02,689 --> 00:16:03,859
Hello, dimples.
424
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:06,096
- Hola.
425
00:16:06,137 --> 00:16:09,027
So are there
any tamales left or...
426
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:11,618
- Oh, now you want a tamale?
427
00:16:11,655 --> 00:16:13,025
- Yes, I do.
I'm very hungry.
428
00:16:13,068 --> 00:16:16,208
- Sorry, those tamales are
only for little baby boys.
429
00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:19,591
- "I'm Arturo.
I eat fancy cheese.
430
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:22,660
I live in Brooklyn."
- I don't sound like that.
431
00:16:22,689 --> 00:16:23,999
- Brooklyn, Brooklyn,
Brooklyn.
432
00:16:24,034 --> 00:16:25,974
Fancy cheese
and white wine.
433
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,100
- What is this?
434
00:16:27,137 --> 00:16:29,137
- "Look at me,
I don't eat carbs."
435
00:16:29,172 --> 00:16:33,072
- I just want a fucking tamale.
436
00:16:33,103 --> 00:16:35,213
- This time you're
getting the shoe.
437
00:16:35,241 --> 00:16:36,521
- You'll give me
a tamale first though.
438
00:16:36,551 --> 00:16:37,971
- Get over here!
Get over here!
439
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,140
[all shouting]
Get over here!
440
00:16:40,172 --> 00:16:43,142
[upbeat music]
441
00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:45,482
♪
442
00:16:45,517 --> 00:16:48,477
[cheerful music]
443
00:16:48,517 --> 00:16:53,447
♪
444
00:16:53,482 --> 00:16:55,522
- Hi, it's Sydney.
- And Carissa.
445
00:16:55,551 --> 00:16:57,931
- Nina, I've known you
for almost a decade now,
446
00:16:57,965 --> 00:17:00,685
and I couldn't imagine a more
perfect guy for you than David.
447
00:17:00,724 --> 00:17:03,074
- And I will never forget
your guys' first date.
448
00:17:03,103 --> 00:17:04,863
Nina came home that night.
- Mm-hmm.
449
00:17:04,896 --> 00:17:06,896
- And she was skipping
and she said,
450
00:17:06,931 --> 00:17:08,381
"I just met the one."
451
00:17:08,413 --> 00:17:10,793
- Hi, guys, it's Jecca!
452
00:17:10,827 --> 00:17:12,717
It's like Jessica
and Becca combined.
453
00:17:12,758 --> 00:17:14,168
Don't worry about it.
454
00:17:14,206 --> 00:17:15,656
So me and
the whole bridal party
455
00:17:15,689 --> 00:17:18,449
were roommates freshman year,
and everyone said
456
00:17:18,482 --> 00:17:21,242
I was gonna be the first one
to get married,
457
00:17:21,275 --> 00:17:23,375
and now I'm the only one
who's not married.
458
00:17:23,413 --> 00:17:27,103
[chuckles sadly]
Just crazy.
459
00:17:27,137 --> 00:17:28,757
It's crazy.
460
00:17:28,793 --> 00:17:30,213
[upbeat music]
461
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:32,211
- Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome for the first time
462
00:17:32,241 --> 00:17:35,971
as husband and wife,
Mr. and Mrs. Cohen-Smith.
463
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,000
[cheers and applause]
464
00:17:47,137 --> 00:17:50,027
- Love you, B.
Love you.
465
00:17:50,068 --> 00:17:51,548
- Congratulations.
466
00:17:51,586 --> 00:17:53,586
- Bartender, more red wine.
467
00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,900
♪
468
00:17:55,931 --> 00:17:57,591
- You did it, David.
Finally did it.
469
00:17:57,620 --> 00:17:59,310
- A toast to finding
your soul mate.
470
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,664
- Cheers.
- Oh, fuck that.
471
00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:05,029
Weddings are bullshit.
Fuck it.
472
00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:06,168
- We don't--
473
00:18:06,206 --> 00:18:07,856
- No, but not you,
Nina and David.
474
00:18:07,896 --> 00:18:11,096
I love you guys.
Whoo!
475
00:18:11,137 --> 00:18:12,447
[belches]
476
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:13,902
- And that's when I knew
477
00:18:13,931 --> 00:18:16,451
that David wasn't
just a keeper.
478
00:18:16,482 --> 00:18:18,832
He was your keeper,
and you were just--
479
00:18:18,862 --> 00:18:22,102
- Oh, my God, bitch, boring.
480
00:18:22,137 --> 00:18:23,617
Hey.
481
00:18:23,655 --> 00:18:28,135
Everybody--oh, hey, bitch!
482
00:18:28,172 --> 00:18:31,242
I'm sorry,
but she has no charisma.
483
00:18:31,275 --> 00:18:32,755
Or tits, am I right?
484
00:18:32,793 --> 00:18:34,483
No, no, no,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
485
00:18:34,517 --> 00:18:35,997
That was too much.
I'm sorry, I'll calm down.
486
00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:37,974
I'm sorry, I'll calm down.
Okay.
487
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,830
Just kidding!
[all gasp]
488
00:18:41,862 --> 00:18:43,312
Okay, get back here.
489
00:18:43,344 --> 00:18:45,454
I'm not done, I'm not--
Did I say I was done?
490
00:18:45,482 --> 00:18:47,832
- ♪ In a world that...
491
00:18:47,862 --> 00:18:51,622
- To get to see my grandbaby
so happy,
492
00:18:51,655 --> 00:18:54,275
it's the most wonderful--
493
00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:58,380
- Jesus!
- Hey, bitch!
494
00:18:58,413 --> 00:19:01,663
I fucked her grandson
in college once.
495
00:19:01,689 --> 00:19:03,859
But shh.
496
00:19:03,896 --> 00:19:06,136
What, bitch?
I said "shh."
497
00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:09,142
["Hava Nagila" plays]
498
00:19:09,172 --> 00:19:11,722
♪
499
00:19:11,758 --> 00:19:13,518
- Wait!
500
00:19:13,551 --> 00:19:17,481
Hey, excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, wait.
501
00:19:17,517 --> 00:19:19,587
Do me first.
Do me first.
502
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:21,550
[all gasp, chattering]
503
00:19:21,586 --> 00:19:23,856
[humming "Hava Nagila"]
- Shh, shh, shh.
504
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:27,096
- Hey! It's so fun!
Jewish people, I like you.
505
00:19:27,137 --> 00:19:28,447
- Oh, my God.
506
00:19:28,482 --> 00:19:30,452
- My daddy was wrong
about you guys.
507
00:19:30,482 --> 00:19:32,382
- Is everyone ready?
508
00:19:32,413 --> 00:19:34,763
Okay, here we go.
509
00:19:34,793 --> 00:19:39,313
One, two, three!
510
00:19:44,103 --> 00:19:45,663
- Bitch!
511
00:19:45,689 --> 00:19:47,069
- ♪ The rest of my life
512
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:50,903
- All right, newlyweds,
go ahead and cut the cake.
513
00:19:50,931 --> 00:19:52,071
- [gasps]
514
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:58,243
♪
515
00:19:58,275 --> 00:20:00,895
- Happy fucking birthday,
you guys.
516
00:20:03,655 --> 00:20:05,585
- Please tell me
you have other footage.
517
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:09,550
- Well, not without her in it.
518
00:20:09,586 --> 00:20:12,716
- Hey, bitch!
519
00:20:12,758 --> 00:20:14,548
We're engaged.
520
00:20:14,586 --> 00:20:17,236
We'd invite you, but it's
like a super small wedding.
521
00:20:17,275 --> 00:20:18,755
You know?
522
00:20:18,793 --> 00:20:21,003
Bye, bitch!
523
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:26,660
- We met at your wedding.
524
00:20:26,689 --> 00:20:28,759
[upbeat music]
525
00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:35,450
[upbeat music]
526
00:20:35,482 --> 00:20:36,592
- So you got everything?
527
00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:38,590
- Yes, towels are
in the dryer.
528
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:41,240
Leftovers in the fridge with
some instructions, got it.
529
00:20:41,275 --> 00:20:43,095
- And if you need
anything else, we're here.
530
00:20:43,137 --> 00:20:44,517
- You know, you didn't
have to come all this way
531
00:20:44,551 --> 00:20:45,661
and get off work.
532
00:20:45,689 --> 00:20:46,759
You know, you could
have just called me.
533
00:20:46,793 --> 00:20:48,213
- Of course we had to come.
534
00:20:48,241 --> 00:20:51,281
- When family needs something,
you go, end of story.
535
00:20:51,310 --> 00:20:52,690
- Gracias.
536
00:20:52,724 --> 00:20:55,694
- Love you.
- I love you.
537
00:20:55,724 --> 00:20:56,794
Bye, tia.
538
00:20:56,827 --> 00:20:58,967
- Gordito.
- Bye.
539
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,340
Okay, safe trip.
Bye, bye.
540
00:21:00,379 --> 00:21:02,479
- Bye.
- Okay?
541
00:21:02,517 --> 00:21:04,757
- Later.
- Oh, yeah, bye, weed guy.
542
00:21:04,793 --> 00:21:06,213
Take care.
543
00:21:06,241 --> 00:21:08,831
[upbeat music]
544
00:21:08,881 --> 00:21:13,431
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38508
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
