Original subtitles

[mellow music]

- What are you going to do when we get to America?

- I just want to find work quickly

so I can send money home to my family.

What about you?

- My husband has already been there for two years,

so I'm joining him.

- How wonderful. What about you, Blanca?

- It's very dangerous in my city now.

I just want a safe place to live.

- Oh. And you, stranger?

[dark music]

♪

- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, old man.

As soon as I get to America,

I'm going to commit

massive vote fraud.

That's right.

I'm gonna get 3 million of my amigos together,

and we're just gonna do it.

Then I'm gonna take jobs from hardworking Americans.

Yes, first the farm jobs, then the factory jobs,

and then fuck it,

I'll get into a graduate program

through affirmative action,

and I'm gonna take the lawyer jobs

and the doctor jobs and the aerospace engineer jobs.

But then I'm gonna be too lazy to work.

So I'm gonna live off the American taxpayer.

- How does that make any sense?

- Don't worry about it.

And then I'm gonna join the ultraviolent gang, MS-15.

- Isn't it MS-13?

- No. No, this one's way more dangerous.

2/15 more dangerous.

Then I'm gonna sprinkle these gang members

all over Iowa

and get everybody addicted to ecstasies.

- I don't think ecstasy is addictive.

- It is the way I make it.

Okay, I put heroin and stuff in it.

I'm going become the Walter White

of the Des Moines metropolitan area,

and then I'm gonna graffiti all of their cheese shops.

Oh, is that your store? I'm sorry.

fuck your cheese shop! [laughs]

They can't stop me.

I'm gonna destroy their

American way of life and culture.

- You are crazy, man.

- Am I? Am I, old man?

Admit it, you wanna do it too.

You wanna get to America and burn it all to the ground.

- No, I really don't.

- I feel like you do.

We could do it, you know?

The 12 of us alone

could destroy America!

Who's with me?

Who's with me?

[tires screech]

[groaning]

[dark music]

♪

Hello, Mr. President.

Yeah, they found me out again.

Yeah, don't worry, next time I'll be a lot less subtle.

Now could you please send a helicopter or something?

I feel my makeup is starting to run,

and these Mexicans are real, real scary.

Okay, I'll just hide in the bushes, okay?

I love you too.

[upbeat music]

♪

- ♪ Time has us lose

[doorbell chimes]

♪ Distant and strange

- Alexa, stop the heartbreak mix.

- Tia Celia, Tia Marta.

What are you doing here?

- Your mom told us about Renee.

- Yeah, yeah, we broke up.

Me and Renee, not me and my mom.

Me and my mom are-- we're tight.

- Your mom put out the Mom Signal

and dispatched us.

- We dropped everything and flew straight here from Miami.

- Uh-huh. - Look, I appreciate you

coming all this way, but I'm a grown man,

and I do not need my mommy to send me and help.

- So we're just supposed to leave?

- No, I didn't say that.

- You're just gonna disrespect your family

and kick your tias to the curb?

Like something spoiled in the refrigerator?

Like two pieces of stale bread that you left in the cupboard?

Like old papayas that you don't even remember you had there?

- You already won the argument. You're inside the house.

- Like a goat that's too big to keep in the barn.

[upbeat music]

Oh, oh, your tia knows what you need.

♪

Tamale.

The best cure for a broken heart.

- I don't want a tamale.

Do you know how many carbs are in that?

- Ay, gordito.You're too skinny.

- Stop calling me fatty then.

That's the only reason I stopped eating tamales

to begin with. - So who's this girl?

- She's incredibly smart and incredibly beautiful,

and I thought she was going to be the mother of my children.

No big deal.

- Ay, mijo, don't let some girl make you sad.

Come on, show me those dimples.

- I don't want to.

- I'm gonna come get those dimples!

- No, stop, that hasn't worked since I'm five years old.

Stop it. - I can see the dimples.

- No, uh-uh. - You can't hide them.

- Even if you're not smiling.

- They're not there. I know my own dimples.

Okay, stop treating me like a toddler.

Please, it's not helping.

- I know what you need.

- No, I don't want any Vicks VapoRub.

- Just a little bit.

- Look, I hate to break it to you,

but Vicks VapoRub doesn't solve all problems.

- It solves everything.

You remember when your primo Juanito broke his leg

from falling off that horse, huh?

Un poquito VapoRub, he's fine now.

- He still has a limp.

- Just let me put a little bit on.

- No, no, please, I don't want any fucking VapoRub.

[both gasp]

Okay, I'm sorry. No, no--I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, please, look, look.

I appreciate you trying to help,

but I'm just having a little trouble

looking forward to life without her, okay?

So for now, I just want to be sad

for maybe until I die I don't know.

- Nonsense. You're gonna go get dressed,

we're gonna go out and we're gonna get facedshit.

- Do you mean shitfaced?

- [gasps] - Why would you hit me with it?

She said it first. She said it first.

The sandalia is only for children.

Now go get ready.

- Please stop telling me what to do in my own house.

- Go! - Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

[crowd boos]

- Ball four!

- Hey, I'm sorry, man.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I just can't get it over the plate.

- It's okay, look-- - Oh, God.

- Just--just forget about the crowd.

All right, forget about the batter.

Pretend I'm your dad or something.

No pressure, all right?

We're just playing catch in your backyard.

- Okay, you're my dad. Got it, got it.

That's good. Wait, wait, wait.

- What's up?

- Which backyard though? - Huh?

- No, was it the one we lived in with my mom

or, you know, the new place you got with--

with that woman Jessica?

- It's, uh, wherever you feel more comfortable.

- I just never saw his new place, you know?

So I'm just gonna say it's my mom's backyard.

Is that cool? - Yeah.

All right, man.

[organ music playing]

[dramatic music]

[crowd boos]

- Dad? - Oh, no.

- Wait? Wait? What are you doing here?

- Is he talking to me? - No, he's not.

He, uh-- - What are you doing here?

- I'm...sorry.

- You just show up out of the blue after all these years.

You expect me to forgive you?

Where you been? No, I don't wanna talk to you.

I'm my own man. - Okay. Hey, hey.

It's the catcher talking. - Oh, hey, man.

- This is not what I meant. - Oh. [chuckles]

I'm sorry, man, I just picked this stage

in our relationship where things were super complicated.

- No more dad.

You're just playing catch in your backyard

with someone else.

- Why would I play catch with someone else

when my dad just came back, man?

- Forget the dad thing.

Just me, Jackson, you, Suarez,

are playing catch in our backyard.

- Okay, so we have a backyard together.

So are we, like, roommates in this situation?

'Cause I think that'd be really cool.

- Whatever. - Great.

Let's do this! Let's do this!

Oh.

- Oh, no. What's he doing?

- Come here.

Hey, man, can I tell you something roomie to roomie?

I have had the wildest day today, man.

I was at my mom's house,

and then my dad shows up out of nowhere.

Haven't seen him in years, and I'm just, like,

really shook right now and I just wanted a friend, you know?

- Seriously, forget that I ever said dad!

Just pretend that you are a pitcher,

I'm a catcher, and we're at a baseball game

playing baseball.

Your dad doesn't exist. Never existed.

Just us at this game.

Got it? - Yeah, yeah, I got it.

- All right. - All right.

[organ music playing]

[exhales]

[dramatic music]

♪

Oh.

Oh, God. - What the hell was that?

- My dad taught me how to pitch.

If he doesn't exist--

oh, my God, I don't exist.

Oh, my--I don't exist.

Can you see me?

Can you see me? Oh, my God, I don't exist.

Oh, my God, I stopped existing, everybody.

- Excuse me. I'm Ricky's dad.

I'm here to tell Ricky that I'm sorry and that I love him.

- I don't exist!

I don't exist!

- Is that him? - Yep.

- Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm nothing.

- I wasn't here. - I'm nothing!

He doesn't exist! I don't exist!

Ahh!

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[Latin dance music]

♪

- And then I signed us up for pottery class together.

Do you know how sad it is to cancel pottery class?

- This story is boring! - Ouch.

- Let's dance! - I don't wanna dance, tia.

- Hey-hey, hey-hey. Look at this, look at this.

Come on. - I don't want to.

- Let's go, get into it, get into it.

Come on, come on, come on. - All right, okay, fine.

- [laughing]

Come on.

♪

You're still a really bad dancer.

- I'm not bad. I'm misunderstood.

[vocalizing]

- Aunt Celia, stop it!

Get away from that man!

- This is some good shit!

Really. Ha!

- Okay, we're good, big guy. Thank you.

Vamonos - Que pasó?

- Vamonos. Excuse us, please.

Excuse us.

- Arturo.

- Marta, she was smoking weed back there.

- Look who I met at the bar.

This is Isabella. She's Colombian.

- You two should dance together.

- Or, you know, just talk or something.

- Don't dance. - Okay, we get it.

I'm so sorry. They're really drunk.

- That's okay. They're cute.

- Yeah, they're great.

- So do you want to dance?

♪

- No! No, no!

Can we please leave? - Why?

- There's Renee, and she's with some other guy.

- Another Latino?

- Yeah, she has a very specific type.

- Don't worry, mijo, I think I can get that bitch from here.

- No, no, no, no, no. I just want to go, okay?

Tia Celia!

Stop making out with weed guy!

Can you put her leg down at least?

[upbeat music]

[applause]

- Mr. Secretary, my fellow delegates,

on behalf of the Guatemalan people,

I would like to say how proud I am of all of us

for reaching today's historic trade agreements,

as well as renewing our pact against nuclear weapons,

and of course, the unilateral climate change accords.

Well done.

[applause]

To celebrate this momentous occasion of solidarity

between our nations, I would like to propose

we toast with some rum.

The best in the world from Guatemala.

Cheers to all of you.

[tepid applause]

- If I may, a point of order, Mr. Secretary.

We would also like to acknowledge

the historic nature of this accord,

and in addition we would like to let the record show

that Guatemalan rum is not the best rum in the world.

Everyone knows that Venezuelan rum

is in fact the best.

- The Guatemalan nation finds itself in total shock

that Venezuela even has a rum.

[laughter]

- Thank you, representative of Venezuela.

The chair will take that under consideration,

but I remind my colleagues that this committee

considers any rum distilled outside of Mexico

to be wannabe poser horseshit.

[all clamoring]

Order, order, settle down everyone.

Yes, yes, Representative Perez from Nicaragua.

I yield the floor. - Thank you, Mr. Secretary.

Nicaragua would like to add

that our rum is the best.

Pardon me.

And you can all go fuck yourselves.

[all clamoring]

Excuse me, I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn.

You can all go fuck your mothers.

[all clamoring]

- Please, please, please, please.

I would like to remind my fellow representatives

that, one, we have more that unites us than divides us.

From our rich culture and history,

to our common goals for the future.

- Hear, hear.

[applause]

- And number two,

that Nicaraguan rum tastes like hot piss.

- I agree. - It just does, I'm sorry.

- Excuse me, Mr. Secretary.

We would like the record to show

that it seems that the representative from Guatemala

has drank hot piss before.

all: Ooh.

- Well, yes, when the only other option is Nicaraguan rum.

- Ooh. [laughter]

- Please, gentlemen, let us not forget

the important work we have done here today.

- On that topic, Mr. Secretary,

Costa Rica would like to withdraw our yes vote

on the peace accords on the grounds

that our rum is made from only the finest sugar cane

grown in our country's rich, organic soil.

- Point of order, the Guatemalan delegation

would like to add, big fucking deal, same here.

You think you're the only one with volcanoes?

Anybody not have volcanoes here?

Raise your hand. Nobody.

- We all use sugar cane, you fucking idiot.

- Barbados would like to settle this matter conclusively

by reminding the council

our nation is the birthplace of rum

and also Rihanna.

- Of course, of course. Of course.

- Let the record show that I would like to have

one summit where the representative from Barbados

does not mention Rihanna.

- Please, let it also be recorded,

if someone even half as hot as Rihanna

were born in your country,

you would bring it up every single goddamn sentence,

you stupid, jealous motherfuckers.

[all clamoring]

Don't you come at me, Ecuador.

- Settle down, settle down, everyone.

I think the only reasonable thing to be done

is to nullify today's agreement

and postpone these talks indefinitely.

- Agreed.

- I now call for a break so I can use the restroom

and take a nice, long Nicaraguan rum.

[all clamoring]

- I told you it tastes like piss.

I told you it tastes like piss.

Fuck your climate change accords.

I like climate change.

I don't want to be cold.

Let's get the fuck outta here.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

♪

- I told you I wasn't ready to go out.

All right, you know, I'm just gonna sleep here,

and I hope I never wake up, I'll tell you that.

- Sobrino, enough of this moping.

So she's out with some new guy. Who cares?

- Look at me.

That's all I do, I care. All right?

And I can mope if I want to.

I am of legal moping age.

I'll get over this by myself. You're not helping.

All right? - Oh, fine.

Give up.

"I'm Arturo. I'm so depressed."

- That's not nice.

- "Renee, I loved you so much,

even though we only dated for three months."

- Three and a half.

- "I'm gonna shrivel up and die over a girl I barely knew.

Oh, boo-hoo, my dimples are gone forever."

Ah! Did I just see a dimple?

- Nope. Uh-uh. - It's a dimple!

- Two dimples! Ah, you see!

The spirit of the dimples can't be crushed.

Hello, dimples.

- Hola.

So are there any tamales left or...

- Oh, now you want a tamale?

- Yes, I do. I'm very hungry.

- Sorry, those tamales are only for little baby boys.

- "I'm Arturo. I eat fancy cheese.

I live in Brooklyn." - I don't sound like that.

- Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Brooklyn.

Fancy cheese and white wine.

- What is this?

- "Look at me, I don't eat carbs."

- I just want a fucking tamale.

- This time you're getting the shoe.

- You'll give me a tamale first though.

- Get over here! Get over here!

[all shouting] Get over here!

[upbeat music]

♪

[cheerful music]

♪

- Hi, it's Sydney. - And Carissa.

- Nina, I've known you for almost a decade now,

and I couldn't imagine a more perfect guy for you than David.

- And I will never forget your guys' first date.

Nina came home that night. - Mm-hmm.

- And she was skipping and she said,

"I just met the one."

- Hi, guys, it's Jecca!

It's like Jessica and Becca combined.

Don't worry about it.

So me and the whole bridal party

were roommates freshman year, and everyone said

I was gonna be the first one to get married,

and now I'm the only one who's not married.

[chuckles sadly] Just crazy.

It's crazy.

[upbeat music]

- Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome for the first time

as husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Cohen-Smith.

[cheers and applause]

- Love you, B. Love you.

- Congratulations.

- Bartender, more red wine.

♪

- You did it, David. Finally did it.

- A toast to finding your soul mate.

- Cheers. - Oh, fuck that.

Weddings are bullshit. Fuck it.

- We don't--

- No, but not you, Nina and David.

I love you guys. Whoo!

[belches]

- And that's when I knew

that David wasn't just a keeper.

He was your keeper, and you were just--

- Oh, my God, bitch, boring.

Hey.

Everybody--oh, hey, bitch!

I'm sorry, but she has no charisma.

Or tits, am I right?

No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That was too much. I'm sorry, I'll calm down.

I'm sorry, I'll calm down. Okay.

Just kidding! [all gasp]

Okay, get back here.

I'm not done, I'm not-- Did I say I was done?

- ♪ In a world that...

- To get to see my grandbaby so happy,

it's the most wonderful--

- Jesus! - Hey, bitch!

I fucked her grandson in college once.

But shh.

What, bitch? I said "shh."

["Hava Nagila" plays]

♪

- Wait!

Hey, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, wait.

Do me first. Do me first.

[all gasp, chattering]

[humming "Hava Nagila"] - Shh, shh, shh.

- Hey! It's so fun! Jewish people, I like you.

- Oh, my God.

- My daddy was wrong about you guys.

- Is everyone ready?

Okay, here we go.

One, two, three!

- Bitch!

- ♪ The rest of my life

- All right, newlyweds, go ahead and cut the cake.

- [gasps]

♪

- Happy fucking birthday, you guys.

- Please tell me you have other footage.

- Well, not without her in it.

- Hey, bitch!

We're engaged.

We'd invite you, but it's like a super small wedding.

You know?

Bye, bitch!

- We met at your wedding.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- So you got everything?

- Yes, towels are in the dryer.

Leftovers in the fridge with some instructions, got it.

- And if you need anything else, we're here.

- You know, you didn't have to come all this way

and get off work.

You know, you could have just called me.

- Of course we had to come.

- When family needs something, you go, end of story.

- Gracias.

- Love you. - I love you.

Bye, tia.

- Gordito. - Bye.

Okay, safe trip. Bye, bye.

- Bye. - Okay?

- Later. - Oh, yeah, bye, weed guy.

Take care.

[upbeat music]

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