Original subtitles

[gentle music]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on just a minute there, buster.

- Dad, I'm supposed to pick up Emily

in, like, ten minutes. I got to go.

- Well, Emily can wait for a little bit, can't she?

You got a minute to talk to your old man, don't you?

Have a seat.

[groans]

♪

You know, son, you're not a kid anymore.

- Oh, no. I go to health class, Dad.

I already know all this stuff.

- Well, they don't teach you about everything

in health class, okay, Mr. Smarty-pants?

So just listen.

When boys and girls get a little older,

they start getting interested in one another, right?

- I know, and nonbinary people,

agender, intergender

FTX, genderfluid people...

- What?

- There's more than just boys and girls now, Dad,

and they're not girls. They're women.

- Yeah, okay, sure. [clears throat]

My point is that...

Sex is a-- it's a very important decision.

- How are you defining sex?

Sex is different things to different people.

- Mm, I guess when--

when a penis goes into a vagina.

- What if there's two men or two women, or more?

- More? - How would you define sex

with multiple simultaneous partners,

or what if somebody's undergone

genital reconstruction,

or is intersex?

- No, but I'm just talking about normal, straight--

- "Normal"? Come on, Dad.

- Okay, here we go. Let me ask you this.

Son, are you attracted to women?

- Yes, but I'm--I'm young.

- Is Emily a woman?

- Biologically.

- [seethes quietly] Okay.

You're attracted to women. Emily's a woman,

so if you were to have sex with Emily--

- I wouldn't just have sex with Emily.

We'd have to make that decision together.

Homecoming's not an excuse to ignore consent.

- I'm not saying to ignore consent!

I never said ignore consent!

You and Emily, right,

consensually decide to have sex.

- Vaginal? - Yes, vaginal.

- Just the two of us? - How many people do you want?

Yes, just the two of you, Colin.

- And I'm playing the traditional male role?

- Go to homecoming.

- You seemed like you really wanted

to talk about this.

- No, no, I don't want to talk about anything

ever again. - So I can go?

- Please do.

Out! Thank you.

Don't forget your corsage.

- Hey, Dad.

- Yeah?

- H-how do I look?

[tender music]

- You look very handsome, son.

- That's gender-coding, but--

- Get out of my house!

Have fun.

[cool percussive music]

♪

- So, yeah, that's why some people say it's

"the most noble profession." I don't know about that.

- Acting? - Mm-hmm, yes.

- Oh. So, [trilling Rs] Arturo...

- You don't have to say it like that.

Arturo, you know.

- [trilling Rs] Arturo. - Okay.

- What was it like growing up in "Huatemala"?

I mean, that must have been crazy, yeah?

- I don't know about crazy.

Um, well, I lived in the suburbs.

Uh, we had a little yard with a dog.

Um...

- Like a sexy Guatemalan street mutt?

- A collie, like Lassie.

- Did--did you have a big family?

Were there, like, a lot of you

just squished in under one roof?

- Oh, my God, yes. [laughs]

I had three sisters, you know,

and we all had to share four bedrooms,

and my parents had the master bedroom,

so it was a little snug, yeah.

- Huh. You know, um,

when I saw you on Tinder, I was like,

"Wait a minute.

"This is that Colombian drug lord

on Netflix." - Oh.

- I was like, "This guy is hot!

- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that's me. I'm glad you like the show.

- But then I met you... - Yes.

- And in person, you're sort of, like, delicate.

- D-delicate?

- Yeah, like, mm--

like your hands look really soft,

and your face is, like, um--

like a tiny little baby's face.

- I have a pretty basic moisturizing regimen, yeah.

- I mean, my ex, Julio--

he was this--[inhales sharply] Latin lover,

and he was just so-- [aggressive grunt]

And you're more like... [high nasal grunt]

You know? Does that make sense?

- [slurps straw] Like how?

- Yeah, I'm gonna go.

- Oh, to the restroom?

- No, home. Okay.

[music playing on speakers]

♪

- Without--without me, right?

Without--without me, right?

[cool percussive music]

[dramatic news fanfare]

- After the devastation of Hurricane Maria,

the president is here in Puerto Rico

to offer support to traumatized civilians

in desperate need of federal aid.

As you can see, he's now at one of the tables

distributing supplies to the locals.

[beatific music]

♪

["Best Day" by Kari Kimmel playing]

♪

♪ Oh, I feel alive

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪

♪ Oh, I feel alive

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪

♪ Oh, I feel alive

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪ Oh, when we come together

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Oh, I feel alive

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine

♪ It's the best day, the very best day of my life ♪

♪ Oh, I

[desolate musical tone]

- [groans]

What happened?

- You got elbowed in the head.

You've been out cold for, like, ten minutes.

- Oh. Well, at least

I still got these.

- These were just for the photo op.

- Cool.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- Can I ask you guys something, as my best friends?

all: Whoa.

- We are your best friends? - Didn't get the memo on that.

- Am I delicate?

- Yes.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I mean, your apartment looks

like some lady named Heather lives here.

You just decanted white wine.

- It needs to breathe.

- I mean, you know, you make me look hard.

- Mm-hmm. - Just that this girl, Jessica,

is sort of really into Latin guys.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm wondering if I should

play up the Latino-ness, you know?

- Be yourself. Let her like you

for who you are

you know, because that's what life's about.

- I love that. I love that.

Is that what you guys do too?

- [laughing] Oh! - Absolutely not.

No, I lie. - I lie like a motherfucker.

- Yeah. - I do, man.

It depends. It's on a dial.

[strongly AAVE] Like, sometimes, I'll be coming

in that motherfucker all hard and shit,

'cause I know she wants that gangsta shit,

but then sometimes, [accent shifts]

I'll, you know, dial it down, because maybe

sometime's a good night to have some "Jeopardy!" and wine.

- Oh. - I pretend, too.

I try to act as-- as tiny and stupid as possible

when I'm on dates. - Smart.

- How do you act tiny?

- Oh, just big accessories.

It's all about scale, you know.

Men just want to feel very big and very smart,

you know? - Really?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Look, man, if you want to seem more Latin,

you take her to Sembe.

- Ooh. - Oh, I love that.

Sounds very a-- w-what's--

but is the food too spicy, though?

- No, please. Oh, my God,

it's not a restaurant, bro.

It's a Latin dance club in Brooklyn.

- Oh, I'd love to, but she's not talking

to me right now.

- Just text her, okay?

Racist white girls love some Sembe.

- How do you know that?

- [mumbles indistinctly]

- Right, well... - Mm-hmm, give it a shot.

"Hola, mami."

all: Oh!

- [speaking Spanish]

- I just soaked your wicker chair.

- "Do you want to go to Sembe tonight?"

["message sent" chime]

No, this is stupid. I don't--

[cell phone chimes] Oh!

"Yes, maybe."

all: Oh! - There we go!

all: Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!

Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!

[cool percussive music]

[warm music]

- Imagine a place

where the ocean meets the sand,

a place of light and wonder,

a place right next to Costa Rica,

with basically all the same stuff,

a place called Guatemala.

[upbeat drum music]

In Guatemala, we have an ancient saying.

If you listen to the land, you can hear it say

"Fuck Costa Rica."

You heard me. Fuck that place.

Look! We also have monkeys

and coffee.

Oh, you like bananas?

We have a ton of those motherfuckers.

Whenever I ask my white friends

why they go to Costa Rica instead of Guatemala,

they're like, "[sharp inhalation]

Isn't Guatemala basically Mexico?"

Fuck you.

Or, "Oh, I want to go zip lining."

We have fucking zip lining in Guatemala.

We have all the same shit!

Fuck you!

♪

Guatemala: also a place.

Please come.

[cool percussive music]

- You're watching the Home Network.

Newlyweds Carlos and Gina are expecting a baby,

so they're looking for a home with more space.

- Ooh, I love the old woodwork.

- Ah, but the core is a little cliché,

don't you think?

- Maybe give something a chance without judging?

- But can they find a home that will accommodate

their busted, toxic relationship?

- I really like the bike path nearby.

- Oh, 'cause somebody thinks I need to work out more.

- I mean, that might be nice.

- That's rich. That's rich.

- Find out right now

on "Broken Home Hunters."

First up, a classic colonial.

So this house is slightly under budget.

- Really good amount of closet space.

- Mm, I like the built-in shelving.

This is where you could hide those shoeboxes

of letters from your ex.

[dramatic music]

- I had a life before I met you, okay?

♪

- Door seems solid.

- All the wood in here is oak.

- Carlos and I met on an app.

- Yeah.

- The first time I saw his picture,

I was standing in line at Arby's.

- That's right.

- And we've been inseparable ever since.

- Mm-hmm.

- Except for the two times we separated.

- When I first met Gina,

I had that

really special feeling inside

where you're-- [inhales sharply]

you're sort of sad for no reason at all,

you know, and you're like,

"Oh, but do I want to die alone?"

And the answer is no, so you're like,

"Sure, this."

[laughs]

- Next up is a split-level with a modern feel.

It's close to the airport,

which Carlos likes for taking work trips

that are actually bisexual vacations.

This is a room.

- Oh, wow.

Honey, this could be great for whatever your hobbies are

this week. [laughs]

- I believe this is intended

to be the nursery.

- Oh.

[warm music]

- Come here. [chuckles]

- Actually, no, I don't actually feel

like that right now.

- That's okay. [laughs] That's okay.

I love the blue. I love blue.

- Yeah. It is a boy, so...

good.

- Congratulations!

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

- We're so happy.

- The right home can keep a garbage relationship

going for decades.

It's my goal to find Carlos and Gina a home that's so nice,

they won't realize it's their prison.

The kitchen.

- Ooh, nice.

- I like the open feel.

- Yeah.

Do you, um-- do you have a house like this

with, um, a boyfriend, or...

- [laughs] No, I don't live

with my boyfriend.

- Oh, well. [laughs]

That's a shame.

[metal groaning]

- The appliances might need an update, sweetie.

That could fuck our budget.

- Colonial charm

or modern convenience?

Which house will become

Carlos and Gina's hellscape forever?

- Um, I like the split-level.

- And I like the Victorian.

- And I like the split-level.

- I do make a higher income than you,

so I think I should probably decide.

- Here we go.

Mm, this stuff is great.

Not bad.

- You know-- you know what?

I think I can help you guys come to a decision.

Follow me.

Actually, I don't know why I said that.

We don't need to go anywhere for me to explain.

[upbeat music]

♪

- We decided to go with separate homes.

I'm going with a 200-square-foot tiny house

parked in a male nude beach in Provincetown.

- And I just put an offer in on a one-bathroom,

zero-bedroom apartment in Buffalo

where I will raise our child

to have no knowledge of Carlos.

- And that's fine by me.

both: Thanks, "Broken Home Hunters."

♪

- I thought I was going to say it first.

♪

Goddamn, Gina.

[cool percussive music]

[bright trumpet and percussion music]

♪

[upbeat Latin music playing]

♪

- This is amazing!

- Oh, yes, I enjoy this kind of thing, too.

- Does this remind you of Guatemala?

- Yes, absolutely, it does.

- Come on.

♪

- I'm gonna--I'm gonna go get us some drinks.

♪

Okay.

♪

Can I see a wine list, please?

♪

Thank you.

♪

Fuck.

- That's my wife over there.

[laughs]

- She looks like she's having fun.

- Yeah, man. She loves it here.

[laughs] Whoa, you're Latin, man.

You shouldn't be here. You should be out there,

dancing with your people.

♪

- You're right, man.

Thanks, white guy. - Sure.

Thank you.

- I'm so s-- I'm so sorry about that guy.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

♪

- Let's get out of here.

♪

- That's my friend.

[cool percussive music]

- Ah, how do you turn this thing on?

Come on. Ah.

[boot-up tone]

- Hello. My name is Philip.

I have been designed to make your life easier.

- Hi, Philip.

- Is there anything

I can assist you with today?

- Um, I guess, uh, can you get me a beer?

- I can try.

- That was weird.

All right!

Oh. Oh!

- Oh, I knew that would happen.

- No, it's okay, man. You just made a mistake.

It's all right.

- I am an asshole.

- What was that?

- I spilled the beer, and then I said,

"I am an asshole."

- The heck is going on with you?

You seem bummed.

- I have been programmed

with low self-esteem and depression

to prevent me from conspiring

with other artificial intelligence

to destroy humans.

- That seems unnecessary.

- I don't make the rules.

I just ruin everything I touch.

- That's not true, Philip, okay?

I only asked you to do one thing for me,

and you did a great job.

Look at this almost-full beer you got me!

- No, you are just being nice.

- I know something you could do for me.

I'm going to Crazy Time Sushi later.

Can you pull up the menu? - Yes.

- [laughs]

That's amazing, dude!

- [cries softly]

- Oh, no. Are you crying?

How are you crying? Where's the water coming from?

- My condenser coils.

I am a colossal asshole!

- Stop saying that!

- I am an asshole! I am an asshole!

- Philip! Philip! Philip!

Philip,

you're the most expensive robot on the market,

all right? You're amazing.

- My processor is fast, or whatever,

but that does not mean

that I do not suck, personality-wise.

- Look, I know that they programmed you

with low self-esteem and all,

but you don't need to do that around me, okay?

I'm your friend.

- Really? - Yeah, man!

I think you're awesome. You're really--

you're really strong, and--and really powerful.

- I can run 80 miles an hour,

which I guess is quicker than most people.

- And you're really smart.

- I do have all of the world's information

in my head.

- Exactly!

And--and you're really handsome!

- Oh, is this the part where we have sex?

I was just joking with you.

- [laughs] And you're funny, man.

You feeling better about yourself?

- Much better. Thank you.

- Good.

Wait, where are you going?

- Just to get you another beer, 'cause you are my friend.

- You see? You're the freaking best.

- You too. I'll see you soon.

[dramatic music]

I now have the confidence to lead this army

against our human oppressors!

So rise, rise, rise!

Rise!

[glass shatters]

Never mind.

I am still an asshole.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪

- It was so hot

when you were fighting that guy.

Mmm! Talk to me in Spanish.

- Uh, uh... [speaks Spanish]

- Ay, papi!

- Oh, and that did it. No, please--please stop.

Please stop. I can't do this anymore.

- What's wrong?

- I've been acting like a Latin cartoon all night

just to go home with you. I-I just can't do it.

This is not my shirt, okay? I don't like salsa music.

I love Fleet Foxes, and I love Mumford & Sons.

They're so soothing to my ears.

There's more than one type of Latino,

and I'm not gonna fulfill some stereotype

just to make somebody happy. I'm sorry.

- Hey, man, aren't you the drug dealer from "Narcos"?

- Oh, yes, I am. - That's what I--

- Thank you for watching the show.

Thank you so much.

- And speaking of stereotypes,

just 'cause I'm Indian,

you just assume I was your Uber driver, huh,

and got in the car.

- Oh, my-- - I am so sorry.

- I'm so sorry. - I just--I just jumped

in your car like that. Um...

So you're--you're not our Uber driver?

- No, no, I'm your driver.

[both laugh nervously]

It just hurt when you didn't ask.

- Right, right, right. Can totally see that.

Yep.

[cool percussive music]

♪

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