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1
00:00:07,172 --> 00:00:08,832
[gentle music]
2
00:00:08,862 --> 00:00:10,382
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
3
00:00:10,413 --> 00:00:12,173
Hold on just a minute there,
buster.
4
00:00:12,206 --> 00:00:13,476
- Dad, I'm supposed
to pick up Emily
5
00:00:13,517 --> 00:00:15,407
in, like, ten minutes.
I got to go.
6
00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:17,138
- Well, Emily can wait
for a little bit, can't she?
7
00:00:17,172 --> 00:00:19,622
You got a minute to talk
to your old man, don't you?
8
00:00:19,655 --> 00:00:21,165
Have a seat.
9
00:00:21,206 --> 00:00:22,616
[groans]
10
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:25,825
♪
11
00:00:25,862 --> 00:00:29,452
You know, son,
you're not a kid anymore.
12
00:00:29,482 --> 00:00:31,482
- Oh, no.
I go to health class, Dad.
13
00:00:31,517 --> 00:00:32,657
I already know all this stuff.
14
00:00:32,689 --> 00:00:33,829
- Well, they don't teach you
about everything
15
00:00:33,862 --> 00:00:35,452
in health class,
okay, Mr. Smarty-pants?
16
00:00:35,482 --> 00:00:36,972
So just listen.
17
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,970
When boys and girls
get a little older,
18
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,340
they start getting interested
in one another, right?
19
00:00:42,379 --> 00:00:44,139
- I know, and nonbinary people,
20
00:00:44,172 --> 00:00:46,342
agender, intergender
21
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,829
FTX, genderfluid people...
22
00:00:48,862 --> 00:00:50,102
- What?
23
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:52,307
- There's more than just
boys and girls now, Dad,
24
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:54,384
and they're not girls.
They're women.
25
00:00:54,413 --> 00:00:57,383
- Yeah, okay, sure.
[clears throat]
26
00:00:57,413 --> 00:00:59,833
My point is that...
27
00:00:59,862 --> 00:01:03,242
Sex is a--
it's a very important decision.
28
00:01:03,275 --> 00:01:04,995
- How are you defining sex?
29
00:01:05,034 --> 00:01:07,174
Sex is different things
to different people.
30
00:01:07,206 --> 00:01:08,586
- Mm, I guess when--
31
00:01:08,620 --> 00:01:10,860
when a penis goes
into a vagina.
32
00:01:10,896 --> 00:01:13,756
- What if there's two men
or two women, or more?
33
00:01:13,793 --> 00:01:15,483
- More?
- How would you define sex
34
00:01:15,517 --> 00:01:17,337
with multiple simultaneous
partners,
35
00:01:17,379 --> 00:01:18,519
or what if somebody's
undergone
36
00:01:18,551 --> 00:01:19,931
genital reconstruction,
37
00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:21,275
or is intersex?
38
00:01:21,310 --> 00:01:23,210
- No, but I'm just talking
about normal, straight--
39
00:01:23,241 --> 00:01:25,001
- "Normal"?
Come on, Dad.
40
00:01:25,034 --> 00:01:28,004
- Okay, here we go.
Let me ask you this.
41
00:01:28,034 --> 00:01:29,344
Son, are you attracted
to women?
42
00:01:29,379 --> 00:01:33,099
- Yes, but I'm--I'm young.
43
00:01:33,137 --> 00:01:34,407
- Is Emily a woman?
44
00:01:34,448 --> 00:01:35,828
- Biologically.
45
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:38,382
- [seethes quietly] Okay.
46
00:01:38,413 --> 00:01:40,863
You're attracted to women.
Emily's a woman,
47
00:01:40,896 --> 00:01:42,826
so if you were to have sex
with Emily--
48
00:01:42,862 --> 00:01:44,722
- I wouldn't just have sex
with Emily.
49
00:01:44,758 --> 00:01:46,718
We'd have to make
that decision together.
50
00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:49,028
Homecoming's not an excuse
to ignore consent.
51
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:50,548
- I'm not saying
to ignore consent!
52
00:01:50,586 --> 00:01:52,376
I never said ignore consent!
53
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,453
You and Emily, right,
54
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,072
consensually decide
to have sex.
55
00:01:56,103 --> 00:01:57,723
- Vaginal?
- Yes, vaginal.
56
00:01:57,758 --> 00:01:59,588
- Just the two of us?
- How many people do you want?
57
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:00,860
Yes, just the two of you,
Colin.
58
00:02:00,896 --> 00:02:02,896
- And I'm playing
the traditional male role?
59
00:02:02,931 --> 00:02:03,971
- Go to homecoming.
60
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,000
- You seemed like
you really wanted
61
00:02:05,034 --> 00:02:06,174
to talk about this.
62
00:02:06,206 --> 00:02:07,586
- No, no, I don't want
to talk about anything
63
00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:09,310
ever again.
- So I can go?
64
00:02:09,344 --> 00:02:11,034
- Please do.
65
00:02:11,068 --> 00:02:12,588
Out!
Thank you.
66
00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:15,790
Don't forget your corsage.
67
00:02:15,827 --> 00:02:17,237
- Hey, Dad.
68
00:02:17,275 --> 00:02:18,515
- Yeah?
69
00:02:18,551 --> 00:02:19,721
- H-how do I look?
70
00:02:19,758 --> 00:02:22,618
[tender music]
71
00:02:22,655 --> 00:02:24,475
- You look very handsome, son.
72
00:02:24,517 --> 00:02:26,167
- That's gender-coding, but--
73
00:02:26,206 --> 00:02:29,616
- Get out of my house!
74
00:02:29,655 --> 00:02:31,135
Have fun.
75
00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:34,212
[cool percussive music]
76
00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:41,241
♪
77
00:02:44,310 --> 00:02:46,410
- So, yeah, that's why
some people say it's
78
00:02:46,448 --> 00:02:48,998
"the most noble profession."
I don't know about that.
79
00:02:49,034 --> 00:02:50,594
- Acting?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
80
00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:54,170
- Oh.
So, [trilling Rs] Arturo...
81
00:02:54,206 --> 00:02:55,786
- You don't have
to say it like that.
82
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:56,927
Arturo, you know.
83
00:02:56,965 --> 00:02:58,715
- [trilling Rs] Arturo.
- Okay.
84
00:02:58,758 --> 00:03:00,718
- What was it like growing up
in "Huatemala"?
85
00:03:00,758 --> 00:03:02,758
I mean, that must
have been crazy, yeah?
86
00:03:02,793 --> 00:03:04,073
- I don't know about crazy.
87
00:03:04,103 --> 00:03:05,833
Um, well,
I lived in the suburbs.
88
00:03:05,862 --> 00:03:07,212
Uh, we had a little yard
with a dog.
89
00:03:07,241 --> 00:03:08,281
Um...
90
00:03:08,310 --> 00:03:11,000
- Like a sexy Guatemalan
street mutt?
91
00:03:11,034 --> 00:03:13,974
- A collie, like Lassie.
92
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,790
- Did--did you have
a big family?
93
00:03:15,827 --> 00:03:16,787
Were there, like, a lot of you
94
00:03:16,827 --> 00:03:19,137
just squished in
under one roof?
95
00:03:19,172 --> 00:03:20,212
- Oh, my God, yes.
[laughs]
96
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,411
I had three sisters, you know,
97
00:03:21,448 --> 00:03:22,758
and we all had to share
four bedrooms,
98
00:03:22,793 --> 00:03:24,413
and my parents had
the master bedroom,
99
00:03:24,448 --> 00:03:27,688
so it was
a little snug, yeah.
100
00:03:27,724 --> 00:03:30,214
- Huh.
You know, um,
101
00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:32,171
when I saw you on Tinder,
I was like,
102
00:03:32,206 --> 00:03:33,516
"Wait a minute.
103
00:03:33,551 --> 00:03:34,931
"This is
that Colombian drug lord
104
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,205
on Netflix."
- Oh.
105
00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:38,071
- I was like,
"This guy is hot!
106
00:03:38,103 --> 00:03:39,243
- Oh, thank you.
107
00:03:39,275 --> 00:03:41,135
Yeah, that's me.
I'm glad you like the show.
108
00:03:41,172 --> 00:03:43,692
- But then I met you...
- Yes.
109
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:47,214
- And in person,
you're sort of, like, delicate.
110
00:03:47,241 --> 00:03:48,211
- D-delicate?
111
00:03:48,241 --> 00:03:49,481
- Yeah, like, mm--
112
00:03:49,517 --> 00:03:51,657
like your hands
look really soft,
113
00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:53,999
and your face is, like, um--
114
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,624
like a tiny little baby's face.
115
00:03:55,655 --> 00:03:58,065
- I have a pretty basic
moisturizing regimen, yeah.
116
00:03:58,103 --> 00:03:59,623
- I mean, my ex, Julio--
117
00:03:59,655 --> 00:04:02,615
he was this--[inhales sharply]
Latin lover,
118
00:04:02,655 --> 00:04:04,825
and he was just so--
[aggressive grunt]
119
00:04:04,862 --> 00:04:07,412
And you're more like...
[high nasal grunt]
120
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,658
You know?
Does that make sense?
121
00:04:09,689 --> 00:04:12,689
- [slurps straw]
Like how?
122
00:04:12,724 --> 00:04:14,144
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
123
00:04:14,172 --> 00:04:15,482
- Oh, to the restroom?
124
00:04:15,517 --> 00:04:17,897
- No, home.
Okay.
125
00:04:17,931 --> 00:04:20,901
[music playing on speakers]
126
00:04:20,931 --> 00:04:22,591
♪
127
00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:25,620
- Without--without me, right?
128
00:04:25,655 --> 00:04:28,785
Without--without me,
right?
129
00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:31,547
[cool percussive music]
130
00:04:31,586 --> 00:04:34,856
[dramatic news fanfare]
131
00:04:34,896 --> 00:04:37,026
- After the devastation
of Hurricane Maria,
132
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:38,828
the president is here
in Puerto Rico
133
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,142
to offer support
to traumatized civilians
134
00:04:41,172 --> 00:04:43,002
in desperate need
of federal aid.
135
00:04:43,034 --> 00:04:45,414
As you can see, he's now
at one of the tables
136
00:04:45,448 --> 00:04:48,588
distributing supplies
to the locals.
137
00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:51,590
[beatific music]
138
00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:58,070
♪
139
00:04:58,103 --> 00:05:01,143
["Best Day"
by Kari Kimmel playing]
140
00:05:01,172 --> 00:05:02,722
♪
141
00:05:02,758 --> 00:05:07,068
♪ Oh, I feel alive
142
00:05:07,103 --> 00:05:11,213
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
143
00:05:11,241 --> 00:05:15,861
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
144
00:05:15,896 --> 00:05:19,096
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
145
00:05:19,137 --> 00:05:20,477
♪
146
00:05:20,517 --> 00:05:24,827
♪ Oh, I feel alive
147
00:05:24,862 --> 00:05:28,662
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
148
00:05:28,689 --> 00:05:33,239
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
149
00:05:33,275 --> 00:05:37,545
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
150
00:05:37,586 --> 00:05:44,616
♪
151
00:05:55,379 --> 00:05:59,449
♪ Oh, I feel alive
152
00:05:59,482 --> 00:06:03,692
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
153
00:06:03,724 --> 00:06:08,174
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
154
00:06:08,206 --> 00:06:12,826
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
155
00:06:12,862 --> 00:06:17,972
♪ Oh, when we come together
156
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,000
♪ One, two, three, four
157
00:06:20,034 --> 00:06:23,664
♪ Oh, I feel alive
158
00:06:23,689 --> 00:06:27,969
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
159
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:33,000
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
160
00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:36,344
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
161
00:06:36,379 --> 00:06:38,139
♪ Oh, I
162
00:06:38,172 --> 00:06:40,792
[desolate musical tone]
163
00:06:40,827 --> 00:06:44,517
- [groans]
164
00:06:44,551 --> 00:06:45,661
What happened?
165
00:06:45,689 --> 00:06:47,659
- You got elbowed in the head.
166
00:06:47,689 --> 00:06:50,169
You've been out cold
for, like, ten minutes.
167
00:06:50,206 --> 00:06:51,376
- Oh.
Well, at least
168
00:06:51,413 --> 00:06:52,763
I still got these.
169
00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:55,793
- These were just
for the photo op.
170
00:06:55,827 --> 00:06:57,517
- Cool.
171
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,481
[cool percussive music]
172
00:07:02,551 --> 00:07:05,451
[cool percussive music]
173
00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:10,170
- Can I ask you guys something,
as my best friends?
174
00:07:10,206 --> 00:07:11,516
all: Whoa.
175
00:07:11,551 --> 00:07:13,171
- We are your best friends?
- Didn't get the memo on that.
176
00:07:13,206 --> 00:07:15,096
- Am I delicate?
177
00:07:15,137 --> 00:07:16,277
- Yes.
178
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,340
- Yeah, yeah.
179
00:07:17,379 --> 00:07:18,519
- I mean, your apartment looks
180
00:07:18,551 --> 00:07:20,521
like some lady
named Heather lives here.
181
00:07:20,551 --> 00:07:22,661
You just decanted white wine.
182
00:07:22,689 --> 00:07:23,829
- It needs to breathe.
183
00:07:23,862 --> 00:07:25,662
- I mean, you know,
you make me look hard.
184
00:07:25,689 --> 00:07:27,309
- Mm-hmm.
- Just that this girl, Jessica,
185
00:07:27,344 --> 00:07:29,244
is sort of really
into Latin guys.
186
00:07:29,275 --> 00:07:30,445
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm wondering if I should
187
00:07:30,482 --> 00:07:32,242
play up the Latino-ness,
you know?
188
00:07:32,275 --> 00:07:33,515
- Be yourself.
Let her like you
189
00:07:33,551 --> 00:07:34,661
for who you are
190
00:07:34,689 --> 00:07:36,409
you know, because that's
what life's about.
191
00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:37,688
- I love that.
I love that.
192
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:38,694
Is that what you guys do too?
193
00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,244
- [laughing] Oh!
- Absolutely not.
194
00:07:40,275 --> 00:07:41,585
No, I lie.
- I lie like a motherfucker.
195
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,070
- Yeah.
- I do, man.
196
00:07:43,103 --> 00:07:44,413
It depends.
It's on a dial.
197
00:07:44,448 --> 00:07:45,718
[strongly AAVE]
Like, sometimes, I'll be coming
198
00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:46,898
in that motherfucker
all hard and shit,
199
00:07:46,931 --> 00:07:48,141
'cause I know she wants
that gangsta shit,
200
00:07:48,172 --> 00:07:49,412
but then sometimes,
[accent shifts]
201
00:07:49,448 --> 00:07:50,968
I'll, you know, dial it down,
because maybe
202
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,590
sometime's a good night to have
some "Jeopardy!" and wine.
203
00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:54,310
- Oh.
- I pretend, too.
204
00:07:54,344 --> 00:07:58,004
I try to act as--
as tiny and stupid as possible
205
00:07:58,034 --> 00:07:59,554
when I'm on dates.
- Smart.
206
00:07:59,586 --> 00:08:00,826
- How do you act tiny?
207
00:08:00,862 --> 00:08:02,762
- Oh, just big accessories.
208
00:08:02,793 --> 00:08:04,453
It's all about scale, you know.
209
00:08:04,482 --> 00:08:06,862
Men just want to feel
very big and very smart,
210
00:08:06,896 --> 00:08:07,856
you know?
- Really?
211
00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:09,136
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
212
00:08:09,172 --> 00:08:10,342
- Look, man, if you want
to seem more Latin,
213
00:08:10,379 --> 00:08:11,589
you take her to Sembe.
214
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,170
- Ooh.
- Oh, I love that.
215
00:08:13,206 --> 00:08:14,656
Sounds very a--
w-what's--
216
00:08:14,689 --> 00:08:15,829
but is the food too spicy,
though?
217
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:16,972
- No, please.
Oh, my God,
218
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,720
it's not a restaurant, bro.
219
00:08:18,758 --> 00:08:21,478
It's a Latin dance club
in Brooklyn.
220
00:08:21,517 --> 00:08:22,517
- Oh, I'd love to,
but she's not talking
221
00:08:22,551 --> 00:08:23,521
to me right now.
222
00:08:23,551 --> 00:08:24,661
- Just text her, okay?
223
00:08:24,689 --> 00:08:26,829
Racist white girls love
some Sembe.
224
00:08:26,862 --> 00:08:28,482
- How do you know that?
225
00:08:28,517 --> 00:08:30,337
- [mumbles indistinctly]
226
00:08:30,379 --> 00:08:33,409
- Right, well...
- Mm-hmm, give it a shot.
227
00:08:34,793 --> 00:08:35,933
"Hola, mami."
228
00:08:35,965 --> 00:08:37,095
all: Oh!
229
00:08:37,137 --> 00:08:38,377
- [speaking Spanish]
230
00:08:38,413 --> 00:08:40,663
- I just soaked
your wicker chair.
231
00:08:40,689 --> 00:08:42,519
- "Do you want to go
to Sembe tonight?"
232
00:08:42,551 --> 00:08:43,661
["message sent" chime]
233
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:44,659
No, this is stupid.
I don't--
234
00:08:44,689 --> 00:08:45,859
[cell phone chimes]
Oh!
235
00:08:45,896 --> 00:08:46,966
"Yes, maybe."
236
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,690
all: Oh!
- There we go!
237
00:08:48,724 --> 00:08:51,694
all: Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!
238
00:08:51,724 --> 00:08:53,694
Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!
239
00:08:53,724 --> 00:08:55,314
[cool percussive music]
240
00:08:55,344 --> 00:08:57,314
[warm music]
241
00:08:57,344 --> 00:08:58,794
- Imagine a place
242
00:08:58,827 --> 00:09:02,657
where the ocean
meets the sand,
243
00:09:02,689 --> 00:09:06,719
a place of light and wonder,
244
00:09:06,758 --> 00:09:08,758
a place right next
to Costa Rica,
245
00:09:08,793 --> 00:09:11,793
with basically
all the same stuff,
246
00:09:11,827 --> 00:09:15,547
a place called Guatemala.
247
00:09:15,586 --> 00:09:19,066
[upbeat drum music]
248
00:09:19,103 --> 00:09:21,073
In Guatemala,
we have an ancient saying.
249
00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:24,073
If you listen to the land,
you can hear it say
250
00:09:24,103 --> 00:09:26,073
"Fuck Costa Rica."
251
00:09:26,103 --> 00:09:29,003
You heard me.
Fuck that place.
252
00:09:29,034 --> 00:09:31,074
Look!
We also have monkeys
253
00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:32,523
and coffee.
254
00:09:32,551 --> 00:09:33,691
Oh, you like bananas?
255
00:09:33,724 --> 00:09:35,694
We have a ton
of those motherfuckers.
256
00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:37,344
Whenever I ask
my white friends
257
00:09:37,379 --> 00:09:39,379
why they go to Costa Rica
instead of Guatemala,
258
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,483
they're like,
"[sharp inhalation]
259
00:09:40,517 --> 00:09:42,307
Isn't Guatemala
basically Mexico?"
260
00:09:42,344 --> 00:09:43,554
Fuck you.
261
00:09:43,586 --> 00:09:45,996
Or, "Oh, I want
to go zip lining."
262
00:09:46,034 --> 00:09:48,384
We have fucking zip lining
in Guatemala.
263
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,173
We have all the same shit!
264
00:09:50,206 --> 00:09:51,206
Fuck you!
265
00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:54,761
♪
266
00:09:54,793 --> 00:09:58,103
Guatemala: also a place.
267
00:09:59,344 --> 00:10:01,104
Please come.
268
00:10:01,137 --> 00:10:04,687
[cool percussive music]
269
00:10:04,724 --> 00:10:07,214
- You're watching
the Home Network.
270
00:10:07,241 --> 00:10:10,721
Newlyweds Carlos and Gina
are expecting a baby,
271
00:10:10,758 --> 00:10:13,208
so they're looking
for a home with more space.
272
00:10:13,241 --> 00:10:15,451
- Ooh, I love the old woodwork.
273
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,342
- Ah, but the core
is a little cliché,
274
00:10:17,379 --> 00:10:18,689
don't you think?
275
00:10:18,724 --> 00:10:20,344
- Maybe give something
a chance without judging?
276
00:10:20,379 --> 00:10:22,339
- But can they find a home
that will accommodate
277
00:10:22,379 --> 00:10:24,589
their busted,
toxic relationship?
278
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:25,970
- I really like
the bike path nearby.
279
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,480
- Oh, 'cause somebody thinks
I need to work out more.
280
00:10:28,517 --> 00:10:29,547
- I mean, that might be nice.
281
00:10:29,586 --> 00:10:30,686
- That's rich.
That's rich.
282
00:10:30,724 --> 00:10:31,904
- Find out right now
283
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:35,071
on "Broken Home Hunters."
284
00:10:35,103 --> 00:10:37,723
First up, a classic colonial.
285
00:10:37,758 --> 00:10:40,718
So this house
is slightly under budget.
286
00:10:40,758 --> 00:10:42,478
- Really good amount
of closet space.
287
00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,617
- Mm, I like
the built-in shelving.
288
00:10:44,655 --> 00:10:46,235
This is where you could hide
those shoeboxes
289
00:10:46,275 --> 00:10:47,515
of letters from your ex.
290
00:10:47,551 --> 00:10:49,171
[dramatic music]
291
00:10:49,206 --> 00:10:51,476
- I had a life
before I met you, okay?
292
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:53,337
♪
293
00:10:53,379 --> 00:10:56,719
- Door seems solid.
294
00:10:56,758 --> 00:10:59,308
- All the wood in here
is oak.
295
00:10:59,344 --> 00:11:01,174
- Carlos and I met
on an app.
296
00:11:01,206 --> 00:11:02,166
- Yeah.
297
00:11:02,206 --> 00:11:03,656
- The first time I saw
his picture,
298
00:11:03,689 --> 00:11:05,209
I was standing in line
at Arby's.
299
00:11:05,241 --> 00:11:06,341
- That's right.
300
00:11:06,379 --> 00:11:07,969
- And we've been inseparable
ever since.
301
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,030
- Mm-hmm.
302
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:11,378
- Except for the two times
we separated.
303
00:11:11,413 --> 00:11:13,213
- When I first met Gina,
304
00:11:13,241 --> 00:11:14,791
I had that
305
00:11:14,827 --> 00:11:16,277
really special feeling inside
306
00:11:16,310 --> 00:11:18,000
where you're--
[inhales sharply]
307
00:11:18,034 --> 00:11:19,904
you're sort of sad
for no reason at all,
308
00:11:19,931 --> 00:11:21,521
you know, and you're like,
309
00:11:21,551 --> 00:11:23,661
"Oh, but do I want
to die alone?"
310
00:11:23,689 --> 00:11:26,339
And the answer is no,
so you're like,
311
00:11:26,379 --> 00:11:28,239
"Sure, this."
312
00:11:28,275 --> 00:11:31,825
[laughs]
313
00:11:31,862 --> 00:11:34,662
- Next up is a split-level
with a modern feel.
314
00:11:34,689 --> 00:11:36,029
It's close to the airport,
315
00:11:36,068 --> 00:11:37,998
which Carlos likes
for taking work trips
316
00:11:38,034 --> 00:11:40,934
that are actually
bisexual vacations.
317
00:11:40,965 --> 00:11:42,275
This is a room.
318
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:43,790
- Oh, wow.
319
00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:46,097
Honey, this could be great
for whatever your hobbies are
320
00:11:46,137 --> 00:11:47,167
this week.
[laughs]
321
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:48,276
- I believe this is intended
322
00:11:48,310 --> 00:11:49,410
to be the nursery.
323
00:11:49,448 --> 00:11:50,658
- Oh.
324
00:11:50,689 --> 00:11:52,899
[warm music]
325
00:11:52,931 --> 00:11:55,001
- Come here.
[chuckles]
326
00:11:55,034 --> 00:11:56,074
- Actually, no,
I don't actually feel
327
00:11:56,103 --> 00:11:57,143
like that right now.
328
00:11:57,172 --> 00:12:00,002
- That's okay.
[laughs] That's okay.
329
00:12:00,034 --> 00:12:01,864
I love the blue.
I love blue.
330
00:12:01,896 --> 00:12:04,996
- Yeah.
It is a boy, so...
331
00:12:05,034 --> 00:12:06,554
good.
332
00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:18,275
- Congratulations!
333
00:12:18,310 --> 00:12:19,410
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
334
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:21,548
- We're so happy.
335
00:12:21,586 --> 00:12:23,716
- The right home can keep
a garbage relationship
336
00:12:23,758 --> 00:12:25,338
going for decades.
337
00:12:25,379 --> 00:12:28,449
It's my goal to find Carlos
and Gina a home that's so nice,
338
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:31,382
they won't realize
it's their prison.
339
00:12:31,413 --> 00:12:33,283
The kitchen.
340
00:12:33,310 --> 00:12:34,450
- Ooh, nice.
341
00:12:34,482 --> 00:12:35,972
- I like the open feel.
342
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,970
- Yeah.
343
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,280
Do you, um--
do you have a house like this
344
00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:43,410
with, um, a boyfriend,
or...
345
00:12:43,448 --> 00:12:45,068
- [laughs]
No, I don't live
346
00:12:45,103 --> 00:12:46,073
with my boyfriend.
347
00:12:46,103 --> 00:12:48,003
- Oh, well.
[laughs]
348
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,344
That's a shame.
349
00:12:49,379 --> 00:12:50,549
[metal groaning]
350
00:12:52,482 --> 00:12:55,032
- The appliances might need
an update, sweetie.
351
00:12:55,068 --> 00:12:58,758
That could fuck our budget.
352
00:12:58,793 --> 00:13:00,833
- Colonial charm
353
00:13:00,862 --> 00:13:02,622
or modern convenience?
354
00:13:02,655 --> 00:13:03,825
Which house will become
355
00:13:03,862 --> 00:13:06,382
Carlos and Gina's hellscape
forever?
356
00:13:06,413 --> 00:13:08,593
- Um, I like the split-level.
357
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,280
- And I like the Victorian.
358
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:12,000
- And I like the split-level.
359
00:13:12,034 --> 00:13:14,174
- I do make
a higher income than you,
360
00:13:14,206 --> 00:13:15,586
so I think
I should probably decide.
361
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:18,380
- Here we go.
362
00:13:18,413 --> 00:13:21,343
Mm, this stuff is great.
363
00:13:21,379 --> 00:13:23,549
Not bad.
364
00:13:23,586 --> 00:13:24,896
- You know--
you know what?
365
00:13:24,931 --> 00:13:28,211
I think I can help you guys
come to a decision.
366
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:31,791
Follow me.
367
00:13:31,827 --> 00:13:33,337
Actually, I don't know
why I said that.
368
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:35,969
We don't need to go anywhere
for me to explain.
369
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,970
[upbeat music]
370
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,070
♪
371
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:41,833
- We decided to go
with separate homes.
372
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:44,242
I'm going with
a 200-square-foot tiny house
373
00:13:44,275 --> 00:13:46,615
parked in a male nude beach
in Provincetown.
374
00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:48,445
- And I just put an offer in
on a one-bathroom,
375
00:13:48,482 --> 00:13:50,452
zero-bedroom apartment
in Buffalo
376
00:13:50,482 --> 00:13:51,692
where I will raise our child
377
00:13:51,724 --> 00:13:53,104
to have no knowledge
of Carlos.
378
00:13:53,137 --> 00:13:54,167
- And that's fine by me.
379
00:13:54,206 --> 00:13:55,896
both: Thanks,
"Broken Home Hunters."
380
00:13:55,931 --> 00:13:57,411
♪
381
00:13:57,448 --> 00:13:58,758
- I thought I was going
to say it first.
382
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:00,103
♪
383
00:14:00,137 --> 00:14:01,477
Goddamn, Gina.
384
00:14:01,517 --> 00:14:05,027
[cool percussive music]
385
00:14:05,068 --> 00:14:07,998
[bright trumpet
and percussion music]
386
00:14:08,034 --> 00:14:09,904
♪
387
00:14:09,931 --> 00:14:12,901
[upbeat Latin music playing]
388
00:14:12,931 --> 00:14:17,901
♪
389
00:14:17,931 --> 00:14:19,451
- This is amazing!
390
00:14:19,482 --> 00:14:21,902
- Oh, yes, I enjoy
this kind of thing, too.
391
00:14:21,931 --> 00:14:23,761
- Does this remind you
of Guatemala?
392
00:14:23,793 --> 00:14:25,663
- Yes, absolutely, it does.
393
00:14:25,689 --> 00:14:26,899
- Come on.
394
00:14:26,931 --> 00:14:33,971
♪
395
00:14:47,689 --> 00:14:50,409
- I'm gonna--I'm gonna
go get us some drinks.
396
00:14:50,448 --> 00:14:52,238
♪
397
00:14:52,275 --> 00:14:53,615
Okay.
398
00:14:53,655 --> 00:14:54,895
♪
399
00:14:54,931 --> 00:14:56,411
Can I see
a wine list, please?
400
00:14:56,448 --> 00:14:57,898
♪
401
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,381
Thank you.
402
00:14:59,413 --> 00:15:05,663
♪
403
00:15:05,689 --> 00:15:07,099
Fuck.
404
00:15:07,137 --> 00:15:08,337
- That's my wife over there.
405
00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:13,169
[laughs]
406
00:15:13,206 --> 00:15:16,026
- She looks
like she's having fun.
407
00:15:16,068 --> 00:15:18,408
- Yeah, man.
She loves it here.
408
00:15:18,448 --> 00:15:21,408
[laughs]
Whoa, you're Latin, man.
409
00:15:21,448 --> 00:15:23,518
You shouldn't be here.
You should be out there,
410
00:15:23,551 --> 00:15:25,621
dancing with your people.
411
00:15:25,655 --> 00:15:28,475
♪
412
00:15:28,517 --> 00:15:30,167
- You're right, man.
413
00:15:30,206 --> 00:15:32,166
Thanks, white guy.
- Sure.
414
00:15:32,206 --> 00:15:33,446
Thank you.
415
00:16:24,827 --> 00:16:27,447
- I'm so s--
I'm so sorry about that guy.
416
00:16:27,482 --> 00:16:28,692
- Are you okay?
417
00:16:28,724 --> 00:16:29,764
- Yeah, I'm fine.
418
00:16:29,793 --> 00:16:33,863
♪
419
00:16:33,896 --> 00:16:35,856
- Let's get out of here.
420
00:16:35,896 --> 00:16:37,786
♪
421
00:16:37,827 --> 00:16:39,067
- That's my friend.
422
00:16:39,103 --> 00:16:42,103
[cool percussive music]
423
00:16:43,241 --> 00:16:46,521
- Ah, how do you turn
this thing on?
424
00:16:46,551 --> 00:16:48,481
Come on.
Ah.
425
00:16:48,517 --> 00:16:50,447
[boot-up tone]
426
00:16:50,482 --> 00:16:53,072
- Hello.
My name is Philip.
427
00:16:53,103 --> 00:16:55,173
I have been designed
to make your life easier.
428
00:16:55,206 --> 00:16:56,236
- Hi, Philip.
429
00:16:56,275 --> 00:16:57,235
- Is there anything
430
00:16:57,275 --> 00:16:58,335
I can assist you with today?
431
00:16:58,379 --> 00:17:01,279
- Um, I guess, uh,
can you get me a beer?
432
00:17:01,310 --> 00:17:04,900
- I can try.
433
00:17:04,931 --> 00:17:06,691
- That was weird.
434
00:17:08,275 --> 00:17:10,095
All right!
435
00:17:10,137 --> 00:17:11,617
Oh.
Oh!
436
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:13,825
- Oh, I knew that would happen.
437
00:17:13,862 --> 00:17:15,032
- No, it's okay, man.
You just made a mistake.
438
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,028
It's all right.
439
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,478
- I am an asshole.
440
00:17:17,517 --> 00:17:18,687
- What was that?
441
00:17:18,724 --> 00:17:20,284
- I spilled the beer,
and then I said,
442
00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:21,790
"I am an asshole."
443
00:17:21,827 --> 00:17:22,787
- The heck is going on
with you?
444
00:17:22,827 --> 00:17:23,787
You seem bummed.
445
00:17:23,827 --> 00:17:24,857
- I have been programmed
446
00:17:24,896 --> 00:17:26,516
with low self-esteem
and depression
447
00:17:26,551 --> 00:17:27,721
to prevent me from conspiring
448
00:17:27,758 --> 00:17:29,278
with other
artificial intelligence
449
00:17:29,310 --> 00:17:30,280
to destroy humans.
450
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:31,380
- That seems unnecessary.
451
00:17:31,413 --> 00:17:32,763
- I don't make the rules.
452
00:17:32,793 --> 00:17:34,663
I just ruin
everything I touch.
453
00:17:34,689 --> 00:17:35,859
- That's not true, Philip,
okay?
454
00:17:35,896 --> 00:17:37,336
I only asked you to do
one thing for me,
455
00:17:37,379 --> 00:17:38,479
and you did a great job.
456
00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:40,137
Look at this almost-full beer
you got me!
457
00:17:40,172 --> 00:17:42,002
- No, you are just being nice.
458
00:17:42,034 --> 00:17:43,454
- I know something
you could do for me.
459
00:17:43,482 --> 00:17:44,932
I'm going
to Crazy Time Sushi later.
460
00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:47,585
Can you pull up the menu?
- Yes.
461
00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:48,660
- [laughs]
462
00:17:48,689 --> 00:17:52,339
That's amazing, dude!
463
00:17:52,379 --> 00:17:55,139
- [cries softly]
464
00:17:55,172 --> 00:17:57,032
- Oh, no.
Are you crying?
465
00:17:57,068 --> 00:17:58,968
How are you crying?
Where's the water coming from?
466
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,970
- My condenser coils.
467
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,660
I am a colossal asshole!
468
00:18:02,689 --> 00:18:03,789
- Stop saying that!
469
00:18:03,827 --> 00:18:05,547
- I am an asshole!
I am an asshole!
470
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:07,166
- Philip! Philip! Philip!
471
00:18:07,206 --> 00:18:08,376
Philip,
472
00:18:08,413 --> 00:18:10,483
you're the most expensive robot
on the market,
473
00:18:10,517 --> 00:18:11,997
all right?
You're amazing.
474
00:18:12,034 --> 00:18:14,524
- My processor is fast,
or whatever,
475
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:15,691
but that does not mean
476
00:18:15,724 --> 00:18:17,074
that I do not suck,
personality-wise.
477
00:18:17,103 --> 00:18:18,553
- Look, I know
that they programmed you
478
00:18:18,586 --> 00:18:20,066
with low self-esteem and all,
479
00:18:20,103 --> 00:18:22,343
but you don't need
to do that around me, okay?
480
00:18:22,379 --> 00:18:24,069
I'm your friend.
481
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,243
- Really?
- Yeah, man!
482
00:18:25,275 --> 00:18:26,755
I think you're awesome.
You're really--
483
00:18:26,793 --> 00:18:28,933
you're really strong,
and--and really powerful.
484
00:18:28,965 --> 00:18:31,065
- I can run
80 miles an hour,
485
00:18:31,103 --> 00:18:33,073
which I guess is quicker
than most people.
486
00:18:33,103 --> 00:18:34,283
- And you're really smart.
487
00:18:34,310 --> 00:18:36,030
- I do have all
of the world's information
488
00:18:36,068 --> 00:18:37,028
in my head.
489
00:18:37,068 --> 00:18:38,028
- Exactly!
490
00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:40,068
And--and you're
really handsome!
491
00:18:40,103 --> 00:18:43,663
- Oh, is this the part
where we have sex?
492
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,029
I was just joking
with you.
493
00:18:45,068 --> 00:18:47,518
- [laughs]
And you're funny, man.
494
00:18:47,551 --> 00:18:49,551
You feeling better
about yourself?
495
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:50,856
- Much better.
Thank you.
496
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:52,236
- Good.
497
00:18:52,275 --> 00:18:54,165
Wait, where are you going?
498
00:18:54,206 --> 00:18:56,856
- Just to get you another beer,
'cause you are my friend.
499
00:18:56,896 --> 00:18:59,336
- You see?
You're the freaking best.
500
00:18:59,379 --> 00:19:02,589
- You too.
I'll see you soon.
501
00:19:06,137 --> 00:19:07,307
[dramatic music]
502
00:19:07,344 --> 00:19:09,934
I now have the confidence
to lead this army
503
00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:12,135
against our human oppressors!
504
00:19:12,172 --> 00:19:17,622
So rise, rise, rise!
505
00:19:17,655 --> 00:19:18,785
Rise!
506
00:19:21,482 --> 00:19:23,102
[glass shatters]
507
00:19:23,137 --> 00:19:24,477
Never mind.
508
00:19:24,517 --> 00:19:26,787
I am still an asshole.
509
00:19:26,827 --> 00:19:29,097
[cool percussive music]
510
00:19:30,965 --> 00:19:33,925
[cool percussive music]
511
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:36,995
♪
512
00:19:39,655 --> 00:19:40,655
- It was so hot
513
00:19:40,689 --> 00:19:41,619
when you were fighting
that guy.
514
00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:43,655
Mmm!
Talk to me in Spanish.
515
00:19:43,689 --> 00:19:45,999
- Uh, uh...
[speaks Spanish]
516
00:19:46,034 --> 00:19:47,384
- Ay, papi!
517
00:19:47,413 --> 00:19:49,723
- Oh, and that did it.
No, please--please stop.
518
00:19:49,758 --> 00:19:50,968
Please stop.
I can't do this anymore.
519
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,280
- What's wrong?
520
00:19:52,310 --> 00:19:53,970
- I've been acting
like a Latin cartoon all night
521
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,030
just to go home with you.
I-I just can't do it.
522
00:19:56,068 --> 00:19:59,478
This is not my shirt, okay?
I don't like salsa music.
523
00:19:59,517 --> 00:20:02,477
I love Fleet Foxes,
and I love Mumford & Sons.
524
00:20:02,517 --> 00:20:04,277
They're so soothing to my ears.
525
00:20:04,310 --> 00:20:06,310
There's more than one type
of Latino,
526
00:20:06,344 --> 00:20:07,724
and I'm not gonna fulfill
some stereotype
527
00:20:07,758 --> 00:20:09,718
just to make somebody happy.
I'm sorry.
528
00:20:09,758 --> 00:20:11,548
- Hey, man, aren't you
the drug dealer from "Narcos"?
529
00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:13,336
- Oh, yes, I am.
- That's what I--
530
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:14,449
- Thank you for watching
the show.
531
00:20:14,482 --> 00:20:16,142
Thank you so much.
532
00:20:16,172 --> 00:20:18,342
- And speaking of stereotypes,
533
00:20:18,379 --> 00:20:19,659
just 'cause I'm Indian,
534
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:21,139
you just assume
I was your Uber driver, huh,
535
00:20:21,172 --> 00:20:23,552
and got in the car.
536
00:20:23,586 --> 00:20:25,516
- Oh, my--
- I am so sorry.
537
00:20:25,551 --> 00:20:27,341
- I'm so sorry.
- I just--I just jumped
538
00:20:27,379 --> 00:20:29,899
in your car like that.
Um...
539
00:20:29,931 --> 00:20:32,381
So you're--you're not
our Uber driver?
540
00:20:32,413 --> 00:20:34,033
- No, no, I'm your driver.
541
00:20:34,068 --> 00:20:35,968
[both laugh nervously]
542
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,550
It just hurt
when you didn't ask.
543
00:20:37,586 --> 00:20:39,516
- Right, right, right.
Can totally see that.
544
00:20:39,551 --> 00:20:41,241
Yep.
545
00:20:41,275 --> 00:20:44,235
[cool percussive music]
546
00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:52,165
♪
547
00:20:52,215 --> 00:20:56,765
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