All language subtitles for 100.Vaginas.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

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OK, OK.

Bit more wrinkly
than I'd have thought.

Do I have to?

It's not quite as bad
as I thought it was going to be.

Like maybe like a slug.

Oh. Hmm.

Narrator: I'm Laura Dodsworth
and I'm an artist

working on a project about
our most intimate body part.

In the past I've attracted
controversy with my work

by photographing and writing
about penises and breasts,

now I'm ready
for the last taboo.

I'm asking 100 women
to get naked

and talk about their vaginas

and I'm going to take part too.

I'm photographing their vulvas,

that's the part on the outside

and interviewing them

about how their vaginas
have shaped their lives.

It's a part of ourselves
that we don't talk about,

understand or even look at.

It's time to see
what's really down there

and how it defines us.

Woman: Lady garden.

Woman: Fanny.

Woman: I say pussy.

Woman: Pussy.
Woman: Pussy.

Woman: I like the word vagina.
Woman: Vagina, vulva.

Woman: Vulva.
Woman: Privates.

Woman: Front bottom
and possibly fanny.

Woman: Fanny.

Woman: Foo foos, la-las,
and minis and things.

Woman: Front door
of happiness.

Woman: The rose cupcake.

Woman: Cunt.
Woman: Cunt.

- I call it my beautiful cunt.

- The vagina is such
a magnificent thing,

it does so many amazing things,

including like giving birth
to like a whole new people.

- Growing up,
I never looked at my vulva

because there was no need to,
I just washed it.

When I did eventually
look at it,

I really felt like a huge weight
had been lifted from me.

- There's still a lot of shame
around the vagina,

I think it starts in school,

boys are taught about
wet dreams and erections

and the female equivalent
is about periods.

We do bleed as well,

but we also have the equivalent
of an erection and a wet dream.

- The penis is this really
funny appendage at one end

and very powerful
and like dominating

on the other end,

but nobody wants
to think about a vulva,

no one wants to think about
a vagina, it's like ugh, gross.

When you tell me you're ready,
I'll take the photograph.

- Yes, ready.
- Ready? OK.

- Yeah.

Narrator: As well
as taking photos,

I'm interviewing women about
every aspect of their vaginas

from pleasure to pain.

That's alright.

It's different
seeing it like that,

but it's fine.

It's mine, it's fine.

Woman: I wear my pubic hair
au naturel.

Woman: It's neat and tidy,
I keep it reasonably short.

Woman: I'm sporting a full-on
Afro right now.

Woman: [laughs] Like bald.

Woman: When you get the back
and the sides shaved, you know,

like level three trim.

Woman: I've always liked
pubic hair.

Woman: It's there
for a reason,

it's there to keep bacteria out.

- Usually I'm bald
and I like that.

I have a bald patch
in the middle,

because of my operation.

You know, trim around it.

I'm actually thinking about
making it blonde one side.

I literally
have not done anything

in terms of grooming
to my vagina in maybe two years.

Occasionally my boyfriend
will help me

when I ask him to
with his clippers.

Which involve me
like screaming at him

'cause I thought he was
going to cut off my clit.

But he did a really great job

and he was very calm whilst
he was doing it, he's like,

"I'm just going under here now
just so you know,

"just, can you just like

"spread them a little bit
further apart."

I'm like,
"You're such a good guy,"

but we tended to avoid that
little grooming ritual

just because it's too stressful
for me. [chuckles]

The clitoris,
it's at the top I think,

I feel a bit awkward
answering this.

Woman: It's not just
the little bit that you see,

it's a huge, great
big elaborate creature.

- If we knew more
about the clitoris

or talked more about it,

like the fact that it's got

50 times more nerve endings
than the penis,

it's a lovely, sensitive,

powerful piece of our anatomy

that is really misunderstood

'cause you don't see
visual representations of it.

- It actually is pretty much
the same size as a penis.

There's obviously the little
bulb, the little button,

but then there are these
kind of extended parts

that go into the body

so we don't see it,
that's made of erectile tissue

and when aroused,

kind of engorges and grips
the vaginal wall.

Woman: There's a fear
around the clitoris

because most men don't know
where to find it

and if they do, they don't know
what to do with it.

- There is a lot of shame
still around about vaginas

and the slut stuff.

"She has this messy cunt,
it bleeds,

"it isn't nice,

"it must be kept under control

"because also we know somewhere,

"she can have a lot of pleasure

"and we don't want women
to have that."

I love to wank

and I always have

and hopefully I always will
until my dying day.

Woman: My favourite time
for masturbating

is when I'm in the bath.

Woman: I just have to feel
completely relaxed

and that's often just after
I've changed my bed sheets

so it smells clean...

Woman: I like feeling
the water all around my body

and so my clitoris is kind of
there for the taking.

Woman: I prefer to masturbate
first thing in the morning

when I wake up or the evening
before I go to sleep.

Woman: Outside in the woods.
The breeze, smell the flowers.

Woman: I like to masturbate
in my bed.

Woman: In my bed,
in my own space.

Woman: Mid afternoon,
sunshine, nice weather.

Woman: Candles on or lights.

Woman: Good ambience.

Woman: Plumps itself up

and is kind of like,
"Come and play with me."

Woman: The perfect way
to start or finish your day,

sometimes twice a day.

- I think there's a lot of shame
attached to self-pleasure,

but actually,

if you don't understand
what you like for yourself,

how do you communicate
that to a partner?

- I want to be really
frank with you

because I really feel like
even though

I'm finding this really hard,
I'm embarrassed by it

and I'm worried about
who's going to see it,

at the same time,

I feel like those feelings
are wrong

and that society's understanding

of women and masturbating
is wrong.

Woman: The average orgasm
for a woman

is like up to 11 to 20 seconds,

men, it's like five
or six seconds.

[thunder rumbling]

Woman: When it's on its way,

it's kind of like you can hear
the thunder in the distance

and you know it's getting closer
so it's not a surprise,

I can feel it building.

Woman: You get this sort of,
it's almost like sparking

and electricity
like bouncing around.

Woman: All of these neurons
and synapses

making so many
different connections

and the vulva itself is the hub.

Well, look at the smile
as big as my face

just talking about it.

Woman: I'm role-playing
things in my head.

Woman: My cunt goes slippery
and slidey and juicy.

Suddenly the cells
will become on fire

and I feel the run
down through the body

and then it always,
for me it's the toes,

it's in the toes,
it's like this...

[makes explosion sound]

You get this
involuntary bucking, you know,

that right before
you're going to go

and it's like oh...

Woman: Your whole body
is pulsating.

Woman: Everything's
clamping...

Woman: A lot of colour and...

- Often I go deaf.

[cross-talking]

Woman: It's almost
like an overload.

It's beyond words.

[moaning]

It's just one.

Woman: When you're like
wiping yourself

and like you can see
like the colours.

Woman: It can be painful...

[cross-talking]

Woman: ..but it doesn't smell
disgusting.

Woman: My whole body
starts to feel heavy

and exhausted.

Woman: I feel
a contracting muscle...

Woman: It feels like
a big punch in the stomach.

Woman: Carnage. [laughs]

Woman: Different textures.

Woman: Sometimes it's like
a light red like fresh blood

and other times, it's a darker,
more congealed blood.

Woman: I was always grateful
that I was getting my period,

I was always grateful
that it was coming.

Woman: Hate them,
absolutely dread them.

Woman: Almost like a feeling
of being turned on...

Woman: I don't like
the feeling of tampons.

Woman: I'm very happy
with my moon cup.

which I now carry with me
all the time.

- I think the worst
thing about having your period

is the fact that
you can smell your period.

And you're just sitting there
like,

"Oh, my fucking god,
I've just come on my period."

And the person next to me
can clearly smell my period,

and then like a dog
sniffs you in the crotch...

[dog barks]

..and you're just like...

- I think a tampon's
quite painful

'cause I can remember
everybody in school saying,

"Oh, oh, it feels like sex."

I'm like,
"Well, if that feels like sex,

"I'm never having sex."

- Free bleeding is basically

where you just decide
to not wear a tampon

or a sanitary towel or anything
to stop the blood.

Having your period
is totally normal,

like it's something
that's really expected

so why should I have
to feel so self-conscious?

- In the Asian community

there is a huge taboo
around periods generally.

I remember being on a period
and going into the kitchen

and I was told not to

because my period
would spoil the food

and I was really confused

because my period's there,
the food's there,

don't know how
it would spoil it.

I got my period
when I was 12 on Christmas Eve.

I got them when I was
nine years old.

It was really exciting.

Ran to the top of the step,
stairs and shouted,

"I've started."

I think like my knickers
were still round my ankles

and I was like,
"Mum, Mum, I'm bleeding."

My mother said,
"Oh, oh, I'm so sorry dear."

And it was quite
a special time in my house.

- I was 13 when I had
my first period.

I remember feeling devastated.

It was like well,
now there's no hope.

I don't get on
with my vagina

at that time of the month,
we're not friends.

It gets quiet

and then it gets angry
and then it does all the pain.

When I'm in the middle
of my cycle,

so I'm assuming
when I would be ovulating,

it's quite a different story.

It's much more interested
in sex, penetrative sex.

- I tend to find I have kind of
two times of the month

when I'm sort of
most interested.

One is around about ovulation
which, you know,

just biologically makes
complete sense

'cause it's when
your body's going,

"It's baby time."

But I also have a time

usually a couple of days
before I bleed as well

and my hubby's always
a bit surprised

'cause he's always a bit like,

"Aren't you about
to have your period?"

I'm like, "Yeah, and?"
[chuckles]

And even just now and again,

day three of bleeding
can be quite arousing.

- Can you lie down
in this space?

How do you want my legs?

Just relax them to the side,

just let them flop in a way
it feels comfortable.

Looking very yoga'ey,
that's all good.

There she is.

God, it is so pretty, isn't it?

My vulva looks and reminds me
of a pink cupcake

because it's very pink and plump

and where the labia
and clitoris are,

it looks as though someone's
piped layers of pink icing.

There's a little mole
to the left of my labia

which reminds me
of a little chocolate chip

that's just been popped
on the top of the cupcake.

The penis is this knife

that is cutting into the layers
of the rose velvet.

It's kind of slicing through,
cutting up the cake

which means it's sort of
almost disintegrating,

it's not in its previous
solid form

which I think plays on
my wanting to be ruined in a way

and sort of fucked up.

And it ends up just being
this messy mixture at the end

which is when I'm at my most
kind of shaky, in a good way,

vulnerable state
because I'm completely done

and wobbling and I'm just
a mess of rose velvet.

- At 26, I met a skinhead
who absolutely ruined me.

I had to go home the day after
and Google what just happened.

He was the one that first
discovered that I could squirt,

I didn't even think sex
like that was out there,

I always thought I had
really good sex.

A clitoral orgasm is different
from a penetrative orgasm

is different from a squirt.

[moaning]

There was no going back
from that moment,

then it was always
wanting to chase

that kind of sex and the squirt.

- The privilege of being allowed

in or near someone's vagina,
it's...

She needs to be vulnerable,

she needs to be accepting
of the situation,

but it's so intimate

but it's more intimate
than anything else

because you're going
inside somebody,

Penetrative sex is...
That's an enormous deal,

that's not a small thing.

But we live in a society
that doesn't think that way,

we live in a society

that treats women entirely
like a cock pocket.

OK, that's that done,
thank you very much.

Yeah, if you could get into
a really relaxed position there.

Brilliant, OK, cool.

Wow.

It's different to looking
in a mirror, isn't it?

It is very different
from looking in the mirror.

You can tell it picks up
the scars far more easily.

How do you feel about it?

OK, it's not perfect,

doesn't need to be, you know.

I still really like it,
it does me,

it does what I need it to do.

I grew up in
a pretty rough town,

you know, a lot
of violence going on

and a lot of macho culture
going on,

so at eight years old,

I came to the realisation

that while I was a boy,

I should have been born a girl.

My penis itself felt like,
very much like a foreign body,

it was an alien object that was
attached to me for some reason.

My vagina is just as sensitive
as the penis before it.

My clitoris is made up
of essentially

a section of the head
of the penis

and, um yeah, it's awesome,
the sex is incredible.

- My generation are realising

that having a vagina
or having a penis

doesn't necessarily
define your gender

and it's much more about,
you know,

how you identify
and how you feel

and it's much more
personal choice.

Like the label 'virgin'
I don't like.

It's just you have had it
or you haven't had it.

- I told my mum,

I actually sent her a text,
it literally just said,

"So Mum, I've got something
to tell you,

"promise not to be mad,

"but I just lost my virginity."

And she took ages to respond
and she was like,

"I'm crying and I feel
very emotionally overwhelmed,

"but I'm glad that you feel
that you trust me enough

"and can be open enough with me
to share that experience."

- I was 15,
I was with my boyfriend

and it was in his single bed.

He's got like a cartoon duvet.

And it was over
within about 30 seconds,

it was a few pumps and done

because it was
his first time too

and he was probably
super nervous

and then we had sex
six more times on that sleepover

'cause I was like,
"We've got to get good at this."

- I'm 19, I'm still a virgin.

My friends are quite mixed,

a lot of them
still are virgins.

I don't have a wish list,

I don't want to set

my expectations of anything
too high

and I just think,
if it happens, it happens.

I think the young men
I slept with,

or had done anything with,

had basically just an idea

that there was one type of vulva
and one sort of uniform look

as to how women look down there

and I think they had
a slightly warped idea

of how they're meant
to be, like, treated.

Obviously in a lot of sex,

that you see in porn,
it's very hard, very intense,

and especially when
you're a young teenager

and you're having your
first experiences with sex,

some people might not want to

go like hard and fast
the first few times,

especially when you're like,
"What is this?"

You don't really get taught
about the mechanics of sex,

you just get taught about,
you know, how a child is made

through sex rather than
any sort of care or compassion

or respect for each other.

So I think that yeah,
through watching porn like that,

I think a lot of
previous partners

didn't really understand

that it was very much
a two way street

and the myth
of the female orgasm

wasn't even a consideration.

- Porn is an enormous thing,

there's amazing, beautiful,

artistic queer porn
that's happening

and then there's stuff
which is clearly really abusive

and driving rape culture.

[moaning]

The way in which you supposedly
make a woman come in porn

is definitely not,

well maybe some women,
but not for me anyway.

- The women have been
so degraded

that it completely puts me off.

Black women are pictured
as animals

and it's quite degrading
in quite a racist way.

Porn is very distorted

and it's reinforcing the idea
that your body as a woman

is not enough
the way that it is,

that it needs to be changed.

It made me feel like my vulva
wasn't normal

in its shape
and in the pubic hairs

and how...
Like I grew so much,

like it was abnormal for me.

[moaning]

- I find it difficult to feel
truly satisfied watching porn

because I don't know
the circumstances

and I want to check everyone,
particularly the women,

I want to check that she's OK.

I do get off on watching
a couple having sex

and then having sex with someone
myself at the same time.

There's something
quite animalistic

about not making eye contact
with each other,

but just watching these two

other essentially
animals fucking.

[moaning]

Narrator: I'm photographing
100 women's vulvas,

including my own,

to help us see our bodies
in a new way.

When I started this project

I wasn't prepared for the amount
of pain and trauma

I'd hear about.

- I was raised in an evangelical
Christian household,

I just knew sex before marriage
was wrong

and I was taught that

if you want to be free from sin,

you don't even like open
the door,

you don't put a toe in.

- In Islam, the vagina
isn't really talked about.

There is still that stigma
of like dirty vagina

and that women should really
keep their legs closed.

- Growing up, I was completely
scared of my vagina

when I thought about it
which was rare.

It was a hugely scary portal
to trouble.

- I went to an Islamic
boarding school,

we had to wear the whole abaya,

niqab, like everything,
hijab, 24-7.

Can't even have books
from the outside world,

there's no phones,
no TV, no music.

I was singing a song,

a random song by Beyonce,

a roommate casually
came up to me and said,

"You're going to hell for that."

My first kind of big crush

was Ron Weasley
from Harry Potter,

guilty as charged.

And I remember having
a poster up of him

When I was about 12
and I felt it was so wrong,

I took it down because
I felt it was sinful.

I didn't know what I was
shutting myself off from,

but that door was firmly shut.

There are some thoughts
and some papers

suggesting that
a religious upbringing

can have an effect
on vulvar health,

particularly the pelvic floor,

and, and like vaginismus

and like the pelvic floor
just clenching up,

as kind of like a psychogenic
response to that shame.

That it's literally
like your muscles go,

"Right, OK then, no thank you
very much, not for us."

And sometimes women find that

when they try and strip
those barriers down,

the muscles do not
get the message

and I think that was definitely
the case for me.

My longest relationship
was about two years

and we never had
penetrative sex.

We tried once or twice
but it just wasn't happening.

There was no way and it was also
extremely distressing as well,

so I couldn't keep trying

because it was such
a horrible experience.

But things are better now.

Err...

Sorry.

Honestly I think I try

not to think about
that time very much

because I'm feeling
so much more positive now

than I was now that that
avenue has opened up to me.

But I really felt like my
quality of life was done for,

really done for

and that I wouldn't be loved,

I wouldn't be able
to be in a relationship,

and that I wouldn't be able
to be accepted.

Yeah, it was dire.

There were moments where

I didn't know what
I was going to live for

and whether I wanted to.

- My nickname is
The Vagina Woman

because I talk about vagina
every single day.

As a sexual health nurse,
I talk about vaginas,

it's like I'm talking about
cup of tea.

We talk about masturbations,

we talk about oral sex,
we talk about anal sex,

we talk about fisting,
we talk about...

You name it, every single
thing that can go on

in a sexual health clinic,
we talk about it.

So the morning I had FGM,

it was like Christmas for me,

imagine being seven years old
and having a massive party

and where you know
there's a woman coming in

to do your henna,

there's another woman there
to do your hair.

It was amazing

and that's the first time
I actually got a watch,

so every time
I look at the watch,

I do remember those days.

I felt the needle going in,

after that, everything
just went quiet.

And she looked at me
and said to me,

"Now you are a woman."

Once she left

and the local anaesthetic
was coming out of my system,

I was burning and I remember
screaming and just crying.

We were very lucky

because we had money
to afford local anaesthetic.

There are girls being cut

without any
medical assistance at all.

My clitoris was removed
and labia minora, labia majora

and they stitched it
all the way down

until they left me a little hole

that is no bigger
than a matchstick.

Producer: And you would
only always have

one little hole to urinate
and menstruate through?

Yeah.

I was in hospital because of FGM

from the age of 11
till I was 17 years old.

My period
was accumulating inside

and it wasn't coming out.

FGM took away my childhood.

I was never that girl that was
playing outside with her friends

or going to go to the cinema
with her friends

'cause I was always in hospital.

And it took away my chance
to be a mother.

Now I would never know
what is it like

to carry your own child.

All of that was taken away

to prove to my future husband
that I'm a virgin.

We know there's a lot of excuses
of why FGM happens,

but really FGM happens
to control a women's sexuality.

They think cutting a woman's
clitoris and stitching her up

will stop her sleeping around.

Growing up to hear that,

we didn't even thought
about pleasure.

But what was surprising for me

was even though the clitoris
has been cut,

the rest of the clitoris
is actually inside,

women don't realise that
actually the clitoris is inside,

there's, the nerve
is all around our vagina.

So we just need to know
what works for us.

As a woman who had FGM,

do I have a really nice
sex life?

Yes, I do.

Do I have orgasm?

Yes, I do.

I've got clients
that enjoy the smell.

They will be like,

"Make sure you've worn
your knickers all day."

My cunt's a bit fishy.

I'm going for it,
crushed strawberries and cream.

That's what
my vagina smells like.

Apparently my vagina
smells different

before I'm about
to get my period.

Woman: If I have a lot
of sugar, a lot of dairy.

Woman: Slight smell
of [inaudible].

Woman: That changes
the smell of my vagina.

- There's a really big taboo

around the word discharge.
People think,

"Oh, that's disgusting",

or, "Oh, I don't get
any discharge."

You do, we all do.

Like it's nothing to be
embarrassed about.

It changes throughout your life
and your cycle

and yes, I have discharge
and my vulva looks moist.

I...so I still struggle

with the kind of more corporeal
aspects of,

of that kind of thing,

I just feel like
it's the same

with the hair and stuff,
like vaginas have a smell,

vaginas have hair,
it's a thing,

like that's something
that I'm still working on.

- I was born in Ireland in 1975,

so when I was growing up

a lot of things around people,

but particularly women,
were silenced.

You were just left
with this kind of feeling

of shame and misunderstanding.

- My parents are really liberal,
open people,

they grew up in Brighton

like in the '60s and '70s,
like they're cool people,

they always talked
about how sex

was a really important
thing between two people,

not that it had to be
with one person forever,

but just that the person

you were having sex with
had to...

..they had to mean something
to you

and you had to have feelings
for them.

- So at about like seven,
I was very, very switched on,

I knew what I wanted to do,
I saved,

I worked to make sure
that my life was ordered

and then my world
was turned upside down

in a very unpleasant way

because I was raped
by someone I really trusted

and that caused
a huge amount of chaos and upset

which at that age I really
didn't know how to deal with.

And not being able
to talk about it

meant no one else could help me
deal with it either,

so you were just kind of
left with that

not knowing what it is

and not really understanding
what's just happened.

So when I was 19
I was on holiday,

and I was raped
by the manager of the hotel

that I was staying in.

And then I came back
from the holiday

and I just sort of
brushed it under the carpet

as a, "OK, well that probably
wasn't a very good thing,

"but just didn't think
about it."

And then as the years went by

it just...it...
I just started to realise

that it was really affecting me
in so many ways,

my confidence levels
just plummeted.

When somebody's violated you
in that way

and just taken from you
in that way,

your self-worth
is like I'm nothing.

It can make you
not want to be alive

and that's how I felt for a long
time, just like well,

"If I died it wouldn't make
any difference."

I went from being
a super confident,

really happy young woman
wearing low cut tops,

loved my boobs,

I thought they were
the best thing ever

to suddenly hating

anything that was sexual
about my body.

In all of the warnings
that were given as girls

by our mothers and fathers,

it's almost like you could
expect something like this

is going to happen

and because you've been told
about it,

it is almost like well,
then it is your fault.

If I'd done something
differently,

if I'd not drunk,

if I'd not said something
or done something

or been in a certain place

would it have turned out
differently?

Those questions that go round
and round in your head

are the...they're
the questions that ruin you.

- You know,
what happens at such a young age

becomes such a part of you

that you sort of don't know who
you might have been without it.

I just wish I could be normal,

I just wish I knew
what it was like

to just be able to enjoy sex

and even just silly things,

like I don't really like
watching films or TV programmes

'cause so many of them
have sexual assaults in them,

like everyone keeps saying,

"Oh, have you watched
'The Handmaid's Tale'?"

and I'm like I can't,
I can't, I can't watch it.

Understanding
how that feeling of violation

must be turned around

became something
that energised me to learn,

to understand you can't fix it,
but you can kind of resolve it.

I'm currently in a relationship
and the sex is great,

I feel completely differently
about it,

which is...oh,
just such a relief,

I just think it's so...

I really was worried
that this was me forever,

I was just
never going to enjoy sex

and I am at the moment

and I can't begin to describe
how fantastic that is,

I feel like I'm normal again
and that's really nice.

I promised myself

that I wouldn't let the people
who raped me

take my present and my future.

- Like every orgasm
is different,

every birth is different.

- I went in at the last minute

'cause I didn't want, you know,
too much interference.

Every vulva's is different,

every baby that emerges
is different.

- You have to sort of
concentrate and focus

and nothing else
seems to matter.

- And I just did
what I was told.

- And I was just throwing up
all the time,

like, the whole birth
I was just pooed and threw up

and pooed and threw up.

- You just carry on, don't you?

- The first time
was really hard,

and I tore
and I had stitches.

- I had a third-degree tear,

I also had ventouse and forceps,
so I had quite a lot done.

- I had an episiotomy
and forceps

and it was absolutely
horrendous.

- The tear went through the
muscle tissue around my anus.

- And I feel angry that,
that happened.

- It took me probably 15 years

to get over
having Caesarean sections.

- When I was sewn up
I was sewn up incorrectly,

- I didn't feel
like a proper mother.

I couldn't even manage
to give birth to my children.

- After he stitched me up

I didn't feel the same
as before.

And I've never been able
to exactly pee straight down

because my cunt
has been made wonky.

I was really sore
for a couple of weeks,

but you kind of don't care

because you've got this
little snuffly bundle

that's just, you know,
really gorgeous.

You know, birthing can be such
an amazing thing

within a world
that tries its best

to tell us it's the hardest and
the worst thing in the world.

- After the horror
of childbirth,

breastfeeding was a doddle.

- You breastfeed, it makes
your womb contract harder.

- Sucking, you could feel
the contraction in your uterus

and of course in your cunt.

- And then you realise
that you're gushing down below

and you're like,
"Is this OK, is this normal?"

I'd have been really grateful

if I'd known
that was going to happen.

- I think when I was first told

that it was really unlikely

that I would ever be able
to conceive,

that massively made me question

my entire identity as a woman,

what did womanhood even mean
if you couldn't have kids?

We are socialised
from a very young age

to believe that
we are entitled to a family,

we're entitled to that...

that biological right
or capacity to conceive.

You have to find new ways
to explore womanhood.

- I'd wanted a child for
a long time with my partner

and was told that
it wasn't going to be possible

but then it was possible

and got to the stage of seeing
the child's heartbeat.

And then I was staying
with a friend

and realised
I was having a miscarriage,

so I went into the hospital
and I went to the toilet to pee

and then the whole miscarriage
just came out.

And I remember
looking in the loo

and thinking,
"That's my baby in the loo,"

so I put my hand down

to pick her up
and just held her.

And it was like a massive piece
of liver, dark, warm, bloody.

There is a loss there,

but it's taken me
to this age of 52

to be able to say
it's not the end of the world.

- I'd been bleeding for
a few weeks in between periods

and a lot after sex
with my boyfriend at the time

and he said, "Is it because
my dick's too big?"

So when the doctor said,
"You've got cervical cancer,"

it felt like a ton
of paving slabs

had just been thrown
onto my chest

and I just thought,
"I'm 24, like I'm not..."

I haven't even
had a smear test yet

and I'm being told
that I've got cancer.

I had my cervix removed,

the surrounding kind of
tissue area

and the top third of my vagina.

There's a lot of kind of stigma

around having a gynaecological
disease,

like somebody at my old job
when I was leaving to go

and have the operation said,

"What kind of cancer
have you got?"

and I said, "Cervical."

And she said, "Well,
how do you get that?"

And like you wouldn't ask
the same

if I'd said breast,
bowel or brain.

When it's something
in between your legs,

there's this assumption

that you've done something
wrong as a woman,

there's a lot of judgement
and inaccuracy.

It's medically inaccurate
that you have to have, you know,

slept with a lot of people
to have a gynae problem.

There is this stigma
around gynae health,

which means that some women
will not be as lucky as I was.

- When I was really little

and I didn't understand
about what bodies were

and gender was,

I honestly thought
I would grow up to be a boy.

I just thought
that's just how it was,

some people changed
and I didn't...

maybe I didn't even think
that I was going to change,

maybe I thought
I already was a boy.

I don't really see myself
as male or female,

I understand
that my physical body is female,

but myself,
excluding the skin sack,

is much more neutral.

I have elements of masculine
and feminine,

I think everybody does really,

but I feel that mine
are very balanced,

and I sit somewhere sort of
very cleanly in the middle

though it fluctuates a fair bit

so, non-binary is
a shorthand way of saying that.

The moment that I understood
what non-binary meant,

or gender-neutral is the term
I was using at the time,

it was honest to God, like,
I was flooded with light,

I felt so alive
and so connected

and so calm and centred

and it was just like finally,
I make sense.

Alright, fine, I've done it,
can I turn it off?

Cool.

Off.

Go away.

My vagina is what it is

and there's nothing
I can do about that

and I don't think I'd want to,

it takes up a lot of head space.

I'm very aware of it
at all times,

never goes away.

- Bring your knees a bit.

Just let your legs relax
to the sides,

just get comfortable. Ready?

- Mm-hm.
- OK.

That's great. OK, one more.
Fantastic.

Oh wow, gorgeous.

That's really lovely.

- I can't wait for menopause,

I want my period
to be over with,

I want it gone.

Let the bleeding stop.

I'm just about to have
a hot flush,

I'm sorry, guys.

- I never had
any of that stuff about,

"Oh, you're going to be
a dried up old woman."

I kept getting wet
when I was having sex.

I'm 70, I was 70 in May

and I still enjoy sex.

I'm more dry than I used to be,
so I use a lubricant.

A little bit of spit, you know,
solves that little problem.

- I didn't stop desiring sex,

I didn't stop wanting orgasms,

really your life goes
in different waves,

up and down,

you want sex
or you don't want sex,

I didn't want sex
after I had my kids

but after menopause
I then thought to myself,

"Honey, you're on your own,
make the most of it," and I did.

Narrator: I wanted to bring
the reality of our bodies

and the truth of our experiences
into the open.

I've now photographed
100 vulvas up close,

it's been transformative
and looking at them altogether,

none of us are the same,

we're not all neat,
pink and perfect.

I think a lot of people
have this really solid idea

of what a vagina
should look like

and if everyone
just kind of dropped that

and knew that there were
loads of different vaginas

then I think vaginas
would be a lot happier.

What if women did a sexual
Brexit and took back control

and then said to men,

"You're only allowed near it
if you know what you're doing,"

and we set up
a kind of driver's licence?

I think it would be useful.

Narrator: This part
of ourselves

which we're so conditioned
to conceal

actually defines so much
of our lives as women

and our most intimate
experiences,

pleasurable and painful,
shouldn't be treated as taboo,

but as a testament
to our strength.

Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media.tv