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I don't normally do music stuff,
but it's my ambition, by 2015,
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00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,720
to become an entirely
music-based act.
3
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:12,840
LAUGHTER
4
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:17,160
I've been watching Tim Minchin
over the years and I...
No, he's really good.
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00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,280
But... But in December
he did the O2 and, er...
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some of the tickets were £195,
so I thought I'd try and do that.
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LAUGHTER
8
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We'd shake off this audience.
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LAUGHTER
10
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People keep saying it's the same
week after week.
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You know, the same going on
about nothing.
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00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:36,920
I thought, "Well, I'll sit down.
13
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,360
"That'll be different to
when I'm standing up."
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00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,760
And I remember when I was growing up,
a lot of comics used to sit down.
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00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,720
Dave Allen, Ronnie Corbett,
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00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,040
Jasper Carrott, Mike Harding,
they were all sitting down.
17
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:51,880
And in lieu of not having any jokes,
I thought maybe if I sat down...
18
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,360
people wouldn't notice.
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00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:57,080
Can we have the singer-songwriter
lighting state, please?
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LAUGHTER
WOMAN: Whoo!
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STRUMS GUITAR
So, I'm going to do a song.
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00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,040
I'm going to do it
in about 25 minutes' time,
23
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:08,240
and I'm going to hang on to
the guitar until then.
24
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:12,040
Um, and the reason I'm doing that
is because, er...
25
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,720
the stuff in this show,
it's all a bit loose and improvised.
26
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,320
It's not very good, basically.
27
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:19,960
But I've been watching
the musical comedy acts
28
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:24,040
and I've noticed that audiences
are a lot more forgiving
of poor material...
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if it's performed by someone
with a guitar or a piano.
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PICKS A NOTE
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Especially if they're tuning up,
have you noticed that?
32
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:37,680
If you're tuning up, you can...
It's like you're doing something,
isn't it?
33
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:41,280
So you can do quite a rubbish joke
while you're tuning up as if,
34
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:44,520
"Oh, I just thought of this,"
you know...
35
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,880
as an aside, and people go,
"Oh, that was funny, you know,
36
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,520
"given that it wasn't
really material,
37
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,320
"just something you just thought of."
38
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,960
But the same thing,
if you actually said it
39
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,560
down the barrel like you meant it,
people go, "That's not good enough."
40
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,680
ARMANDO IANNUCCI: Are you
the alternative to comedy?
41
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,040
STEWART LEE: I think I am.
42
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,200
"You're the alternatives to comedy."
43
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,480
- But now I think there's...
- Which is very funny.
44
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,600
It was funny,
but there's so much comedy now.
45
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:20,320
Any time you turn the telly on,
somewhere you can find
some stand-up comedy,
46
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,520
and I think I'm the alternative
to that.
47
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:23,960
It looks like stand-up comedy.
48
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,400
"I'm the relief. You know,
if you're fed up with
all the comedy..."
49
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,880
Yeah, here's something. He's a bloke,
there's a microphone there,
50
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:33,120
- but...
- What would you call it, then?
51
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,040
- Stand... Well, you know...
- Stand-up tragedy?
52
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,320
- No, it's not tragedy.
- Stand-up... Sit-down...
53
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,560
- Sit-down misery?
- No... Well, sit...
54
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,200
No, I'd just call it, you know...
55
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,200
Standing. A man standing.
56
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,280
It was very different in the '80s,
57
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,240
when I started the comedy,
alternative comedy.
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00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,320
It wasn't like now. There's loads of
clubs now, aren't there, and gigs?
59
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,920
It wasn't like that. It was only...
Like where I was,
60
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,640
in the Midlands,
there was one gig in Coventry,
61
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,680
there weren't really any
in Birmingham,
62
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:07,600
so I had to come down to "that
London" to do the alternative comedy.
63
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,240
And I had a job for about the first
18 months while I got going.
64
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,920
Er, I worked in the library
at Kew Gardens,
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00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,760
putting the books away, you know.
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00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,240
And, er, after about 18 months,
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00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,360
I got enough little gigs in pubs
to become a comic
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00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,120
and I went in on a Friday night,
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00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,880
and I handed my card in
to the head librarian
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00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,560
and I said, "I don't need this
any more, I'm quitting."
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00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,840
She said, "Why, what
are you doing instead?"
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00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,240
I said, "I'm going to
become a comedian."
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And she said,
"Oh, you never seemed very funny."
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00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,760
LAUGHTER
75
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,040
I don't know what I was supposed to
do in the library, you know.
76
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,560
In silence.
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00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,240
Put the books away in a funny way.
78
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,560
Going up the ladder, "Ohhh!"
LAUGHTER
79
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,040
"Ah, help! I've put that one
in the wrong bit."
80
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,280
LAUGHTER
81
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,680
But, er...
HE CHUCKLES
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00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,200
Funny thing is that as I was leaving,
the other librarian
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00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:06,080
turned to her and said, "I think
he is a funny librarian, actually.
84
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,240
"It's just that you have to have seen
a lot of other librarians
85
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,840
"to realise what it is he's doing."
LAUGHTER
86
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,880
And the other one went,
"No, you're wrong."
87
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,280
LAUGHTER
88
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,400
She said, "You're either
a funny librarian or you're not,
89
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,440
"and he's not a funny librarian."
90
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:32,960
And the other one said, "Well he is,
because he is a librarian,
91
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:37,840
"but he also... It's like
he comments on what a librarian is."
92
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:39,760
LAUGHTER
93
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:47,880
And then the first one,
the head librarian, said,
"Well, that's as may be,
94
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,760
"but I guarantee if he takes
that approach
95
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:55,360
"on...on BBC Two late at night
in 21 years' time,
96
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,680
"people will be turning off
in their thousands."
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00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,400
LAUGHTER
98
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,280
And the second one said,
"He won't care.
99
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:07,880
"He'll see it as part of the process
of refining the audience."
100
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,240
And the first one said,
"You can't refine nothing."
101
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,360
LAUGHTER
102
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,800
GLASS TINKLES
103
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,320
And then the other one said,
104
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,040
"What will he do if a glass
falls over in the room?"
105
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,520
"Will he say, 'Someone's dropped
their contact lens?'"
106
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,760
And the other one said,
"He will say that,
107
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:35,040
"but he'll say it as part of a quote
in inverted commas..."
108
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,920
LAUGHTER
109
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,760
"..to show that he could have done it
if he'd wanted to,
110
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,200
"but that it's simultaneously
beneath him."
111
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,880
And the other one,
I forget which one it is now...
112
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,440
will say, "So he sort of has his cake
and eats it, then, at the same time."
113
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:56,480
And the other one says, "Yes, he's
going to be the kind of act...
114
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,760
"He does comedy, but he does it
as if he's better than it."
115
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,960
LAUGHTER
116
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,640
APPLAUSE
117
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,880
And then the other one said,
118
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,800
"Then..." The other one,
I don't know which one it is now.
119
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,920
I can't remember. One of them likes
me, the other one doesn't.
120
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,320
I don't know!
121
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,720
There's people wandering around,
breaking glasses.
122
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,080
How am I expected to concentrate
on an imaginary discussion
123
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,800
between two different librarians
20 years ago?
124
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,280
Then I went, "I am here, you know."
125
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:34,200
LAUGHTER
126
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,800
The first one goes, "I tell you
what your problem's going to be.
127
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,720
"You're going to be the kind of act
that improvises themselves
into a corner."
128
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,280
LAUGHTER
129
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,640
But are we going to get
something really good?
130
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,840
Are we going to get a big,
funny ending,
131
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,080
rather like The Two Ronnies
always ended with a musical number?
132
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,560
Um, yeah, I think so.
133
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,440
There's not dancing, but, um...
134
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:03,320
er, I think it's a way forward,
the comedy song.
135
00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:04,920
I think it's a way forward for me.
136
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,440
BENDS NOTE
137
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,760
LAUGHTER
138
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,360
That's what they do, isn't it,
the musical comedians?
They ramble on for a bit
139
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,080
and then they do something like that
and people go, "Ha-ha!"
140
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,880
LAUGHTER
141
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,280
Um...
142
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,600
It's very different now, comedy,
to when I started in the '80s.
143
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,480
It's all about all sorts of stuff
now, stand-up, isn't it?
144
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,120
All kinds of things
people talk about.
145
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,640
Back then in the '80s, stand-up was
mainly about hating the Tories,
146
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:37,160
pretty much exclusively.
147
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,800
It was very different then, comedy,
in the '80s. What used to happen in
the '80s,
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00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,120
what the comedy was in the '80s,
149
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,480
was a load of people
and they all hated the Tories,
150
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:48,840
and they went out to a place
and there was a guy on stage there
151
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,240
and he hated the Tories,
152
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,760
and he'd go, "I hate the Tories!"
153
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,360
And the audience would go,
"We hate the Tories as well!"
154
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,600
And they'd go home happy -
67p well spent.
155
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:58,800
LAUGHTER
156
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,200
It's very different now, the comedy,
isn't it? I've seen it.
157
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,600
I've seen some of it on, um...
the Roadshow on telly
158
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,960
and it's in all stadiums
and things now, isn't it?
159
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,920
It's amazing, comedy. It's very
different. What the comedy is now
160
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,520
is not like the '80s. What it is now,
161
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:17,440
it's a load of people and they all
hate their electrical appliances...
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00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,080
LAUGHTER
163
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,200
..and they go out to a place
and there's a guy on stage there
164
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,320
and he hates his
electrical appliances
165
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,880
and he goes,
"I hate my electrical appliances!"
166
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:30,480
LAUGHTER
167
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:34,040
And the audience goes, "We hate
our electrical appliances as well!"
168
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,880
And they go home happy -
£47.50 well spent.
169
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,800
LAUGHTER
170
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,160
"I hate my toaster,
it's only got two settings.
171
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:46,640
"Black, burnt charcoal or just warm
bread. It's only got two settings."
172
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,840
LAUGHTER
173
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,000
It's broken, innit?
174
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:04,240
Mate, that toaster's broken.
175
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,200
They wouldn't make a toaster like
that, would they?
176
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,400
They wouldn't,
there'd be no market for it.
177
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,040
It would... It would be rejected
at the design stage.
178
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:33,080
"Mr Morphy Richards,
I've got an idea for a new toaster."
179
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,440
"Oh, yeah?"
180
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,120
"Yes, it either burns the bread black
181
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,920
"or it doesn't do anything to it."
182
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,440
"We're not going to make
that toaster, son."
183
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,280
"There'd be no market for it.
184
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,480
"Put the plans in the bin,
put them in there."
185
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,400
It's broken, innit?
186
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,320
If you've... If you've got a toaster
187
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,320
and it either burns the bread black
or it doesn't do anything,
188
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:06,160
it's not a new kind of toaster,
it's broken, all right?
189
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,400
Take it back.
190
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,600
And they'll...they'll change it
if you've got a receipt.
191
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,040
Go in and go...
192
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,360
LAUGHTER
They'll go, "What's that?"
193
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,160
You'll go, "It's my toaster,
I got it here.
194
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:23,000
"It either burns the bread black
or it doesn't do anything to it.
195
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,160
"I thought it might be
a new kind of toaster."
196
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,200
They go, "It isn't. It's broken.
197
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,000
"Have you got the receipt?"
"Yes." "We'll change it."
198
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,840
If you've got the receipt,
you'll be all right.
199
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,280
LAUGHTER
200
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,960
Have you ever seen that,
a TV record where people walk out?
201
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,240
LAUGHTER
202
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,040
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
203
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,560
This isn't a mistake, this is my act!
204
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:03,760
LAUGHTER
205
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,520
You keep your receipts, do you?
You should do.
206
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,200
You should!
207
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,520
When I was young, I didn't. I...
208
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,280
You lived a transitory...
You don't hang on to things.
209
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:29,360
But now we've got a file
by the fridge and we put all
the receipts in there now.
210
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:35,240
You have to have them to...
If you're going to change a thing,
you need the...
211
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,440
And it...it's more complicated
than it used to be, as well.
212
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,880
When we were kids, the receipt,
that was the guarantee, wasn't it?
213
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,800
The receipt was proof of purchase,
but it was also the guarantee.
214
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,000
But now... No, it was. It was!
But now you have to...
215
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,160
The receipt is proof of purchase,
but the guarantee, you have to...
216
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,240
you often have to phone up
or go online, don't you?
217
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,800
A palaver, innit?
218
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,520
LAUGHTER
219
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,360
But still, keep your receipt anyway.
Keep them...
220
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,720
LAUGHTER
221
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,680
Keep the receipt and...
222
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,720
probably, you know...
223
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,800
But register for the...
224
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,920
LAUGHTER
225
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,440
I am aware, er...
226
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,560
..that when I try and do
observational comedy...
227
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,080
LAUGHTER
228
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,040
..it can drift...
229
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,920
..into consumer advice, really.
230
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,080
LAUGHTER
231
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,600
You know,
that's why I'm on in these, er...
232
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,400
these little rooms, you know,
not like the O2 or something.
233
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,240
LAUGHTER
234
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,400
I did a lot... I did a Christmas run
in London. I did 20,000 people.
235
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,080
Theoretically, I could do...
236
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,440
the O2. I'm not showing off,
but I could.
237
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,000
But... But the guy...
the guy came from the O2
238
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,960
to see the live show and he said,
"Oh, you can't do that there."
239
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,400
LAUGHTER
240
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:13,920
He said, "I've got 18,000 people,
I've got 15 massive screens,
you know.
241
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,560
"You can't have a bloke just going on
about receipts and stuff."
242
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:18,680
LAUGHTER
243
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,200
I thought you could. I... You know,
it'd be all right, wouldn't it?
244
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,760
I'd go and see that,
it'd be interesting.
245
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,480
CHUCKLES
I said to him,
246
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,080
"What about this, right?
247
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:33,440
"I'll go on first and do half an hour
about receipts and stuff before,
248
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,800
"and then you have a proper BBC
One/ITV observational comedian on,
249
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:41,960
"and then they can do all stuff
about toasters breaking and that
250
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,800
"and the audience will laugh,
but they won't have to worry."
251
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,840
LAUGHTER
252
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,120
Because they'll know from me,
253
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:54,480
from listening to me, that they're
probably covered, you know.
254
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,520
LAUGHTER
255
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:03,440
If they've kept the...the paperwork,
you know. It'd... It'd be like
256
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,320
an emotional safety net, that,
the first set, you know.
257
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,760
LAUGHTER
258
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:16,280
People that walked out will be
annoyed they missed that, won't they?
259
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,960
LAUGHTER
260
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,120
"What did I miss?"
261
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,040
"Well, er..."
262
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,880
LAUGHTER
263
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,280
"The time...passed."
264
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,280
LAUGHTER
265
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,560
"What did he talk about?"
266
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,280
"Nothing, really."
267
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:41,600
Why don't you go back to working in a
library, where you have to be quiet?
268
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,400
- Like that.
- Yeah.
269
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,160
It was very different,
though, the '80s.
270
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,680
I mean, the weird thing
about doing comedy now
271
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:51,960
if you did comedy in the '80s,
272
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,840
is loads of the things we used to
talk about have come back.
273
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,600
We used to do jokes
about the Conservatives.
274
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,320
The Conservatives have come back.
275
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,840
There were strikes and riots. Well,
there's strikes and riots again now.
276
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,880
There was a royal wedding.
There's a royal wedding now,
277
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,080
that has come back.
278
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,160
The IRA are coming back as well,
aren't they? Which is good, I think.
279
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,160
LAUGHTER
280
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:14,280
They said they were, didn't they,
in September? They went,
"We're coming back."
281
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,080
They don't seem to have
done anything,
282
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,600
but I hope they do come back
because I think they're good.
283
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,920
LAUGHTER
284
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,440
I didn't used to.
I didn't used to like them,
285
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,480
you know, like anyone
in the old days.
286
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:29,840
The IRA? I could take it or leave it,
you know.
287
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,440
LAUGHTER
288
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,920
I didn't like them, actually,
I'll tell you,
289
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,080
but...but, um...
290
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,480
since they stopped...
291
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,400
Well, they wound down a bit,
didn't they, in '98?
292
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,360
Um...
293
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:45,000
This other lot have come in, haven't
they? Have you seen them, al-Qaeda?
294
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,400
TITTERING
295
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,560
LAUGHTER
296
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,920
Can't bear them.
297
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,560
LAUGHTER
298
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,640
No, I think they're absolutely awful.
299
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,800
Why are they even here, al-Qaeda?
300
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,360
We've got our own terror people,
haven't we?
301
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:10,320
We've got the IRA and there's
the Cornish lot, weren't there,
in the...?
302
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:15,200
Sons Of Glen...Glendower
or something. Any of those
guys could have...
303
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,880
You know, I don't know why they have
them over, really, but, um...
304
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,040
I don't like them. I hate al-Qaeda,
actually. I hate them.
305
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,400
No, I do. I hate al-Qaeda.
306
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,480
You know, I'm sorry if that's not
politically correct, um...
307
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,480
I don't like them. I don't like them.
308
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,480
I don't.
309
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:39,480
If you look back on the IRA, that was
proper... You know, I'll tell you...
310
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,240
IRA, they were the '60s, '70s,
311
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,960
'80s... That was a golden age
of mainland terror.
312
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,000
LAUGHTER
313
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:52,560
It was. You know, we...we've never
had it so good, and you...
314
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,600
Not like al-Qaeda. They're rubbish,
aren't they, al-Qaeda? Awful.
315
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,640
Look back on the IRA,
they were brilliant. They had...
316
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,360
There were so many good things about
them, weren't there?
317
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,840
They had, um... They had achievable
aims, which I thought was good.
318
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,640
"What are your aims, IRA?"
319
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,760
"United Ireland, Brits out."
It's all right, innit?
320
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,800
LAUGHTER
321
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,640
You can get round the table and
discuss that kind of aim, can't you?
322
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,560
That's what happened, wasn't it,
at Stormont, in, er...?
323
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,440
What do al-Qaeda want?
324
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,720
Al-Qaeda want the destruction of
Western civilisation in its entirety.
325
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,800
LAUGHTER
326
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,000
It's pie in the sky.
327
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,360
LAUGHTER
It is, it's pie... I'm sorry!
328
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:38,360
They're living on...
They're living on Fantasy Island.
329
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,960
LAUGHTER
330
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,800
They're idiots! "What do you want?"
"Just everything destroyed."
331
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,280
Ridiculous, innit?
332
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:49,080
You can't get round the table
and negotiate towards that, can you?
333
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,640
You can't go,
"Thanks for coming in, Mr Bin Laden.
334
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:55,840
"Obviously we won't be able
to agree to all your demands.
335
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,640
"Here's Lowestoft."
336
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,480
LAUGHTER
337
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,400
Stupid, aren't they?
338
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,880
I can't... I can't stand them.
339
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,360
They're so miserable,
aren't they, al-Qaeda?
340
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,760
Miserable. "Oh, I'm in al-Qaeda."
Urgh!
341
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:18,680
I'll tell you why I like the IRA.
There's a levity about it,
isn't there?
342
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,560
They're... It's fun, innit?
They do... You know.
343
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,160
It is.
344
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,680
They did murals, didn't they?
Have you seen them?
345
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,200
They're brilliant.
346
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:35,920
You don't have to agree with
the politics to say they are good
murals, and they are.
347
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,960
They are. If you go to Belfast,
that used to be a dump,
348
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,240
and now there's all
coloured pictures everywhere,
349
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,840
blokes with hats on and stuff,
it's fantastic.
350
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,520
And waving out of...
Absolutely brilliant.
351
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,080
Like Banksy or something,
it's fantastic.
352
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,640
They're not professional artists
either, a lot of those people.
353
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:58,520
They just did their...best, you know,
they had a go, and I think that's...
354
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,360
There's no al-Qaeda murals,
are there?
355
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,160
I asked an Islamic scholar,
"Why is that?"
356
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,400
And he said it's because
357
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,920
in a fundamentalist interpretation
of the Koran, there can be
358
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:13,000
a cultural anxiety about the
depiction of the human form.
359
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,520
I thought,
"That's very convenient, isn't it?"
360
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,520
LAUGHTER
361
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,000
You know, if you're lazy
and miserable.
362
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,920
Another bloke going. Amazing, isn't
it? Go on, off you go then, get out.
363
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,040
Go on, go. Go on.
364
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,960
TITTERING
365
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,280
Amazing, isn't it?
I've never seen anything like it.
366
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,000
LAUGHTER
367
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,880
Such a weird crowd.
368
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,600
There's people going, "If he's
having a go at al-Qaeda, I'm off!"
369
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,800
LAUGHTER
370
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:47,600
Absolutely incredible.
Never ever...known that happen.
371
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:51,120
I mean, I take a perverse degree of
pride in it, to be honest...
372
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:56,440
that people that have queued up
for three hours still think,
"Don't really like it."
373
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,200
It's quite hard to get tickets for
this, isn't it? You have to...
374
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,760
Unbelievable.
375
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:08,520
LAUGHTER
376
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:16,440
In the Roadshow, they cut away to
like Gok Wan laughing and stuff,
don't they?
377
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,160
Esther Rantzen going, "Aw!"
378
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:22,880
I'd like to intercut... Instead of
reaction shots from celebrities,
379
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,160
I'd like a slow parade
of people just walking out.
380
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,800
It'd be good.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
381
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,560
You know, I'm sorry
if there's people out there
382
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,280
going, "Why's he having a go
at them?"
383
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,200
I don't like them, all right?
384
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,400
That's just my...thing, you know.
385
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,240
Why are they even here?
386
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:48,720
But the thing about the IRA, right,
is they were nice, right, basically.
387
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,080
Compared to al-Qaeda they were...
388
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,160
They'd ring up, wouldn't they?
They'd ring up first.
389
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,000
LAUGHTER
390
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,360
They'd go, "We're going to
blow your bank up."
391
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,280
You'd go, "Oh, thanks, I'll go home."
392
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,000
I know that didn't always happen.
I'm not an idiot.
393
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,640
But I'm saying, it doesn't take
a second, does it, to phone up?
394
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:11,040
Al-Qaeda just flying planes
into things out of nowhere,
"Deal with that."
395
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,080
Rude.
396
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,160
I'll tell you, I...
397
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,640
The thing about me, right,
398
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,960
I...I take people as I find them,
you know.
399
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,440
I don't care...
LAUGHTER
400
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:27,400
I do! I don't care what your religion
is, or your race, or...
401
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,680
where you're from, or your money.
402
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,720
I judge people on what
they're like, yeah,
403
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,200
and I find al-Qaeda to be rude.
404
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,720
LAUGHTER
I do.
405
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:42,480
I think they're louts and I think
that they... They are! They're louts!
406
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,200
And they should look
at the IRA and...
407
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:52,240
The thing about the IRA, right,
is they were...
408
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,480
..they were decent, British
terrorists.
409
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,240
LAUGHTER
410
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,120
They didn't want to be British.
411
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,000
LAUGHTER
412
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,440
But they were.
413
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,680
LAUGHTER
414
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:18,560
And as such, they couldn't help
but embody some fundamentally
decent British values.
415
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,680
And I hope they get going again,
and I hope the al-Qaedas look at them
416
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:27,240
and go, "Oh, we should
pull our bloody socks up and..."
417
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:32,320
Here's a question. Who else,
apart from the IRA,
makes you proud to be British?
418
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,520
Um...
419
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,560
- Doctor Who, I think.
- Doctor Who?
420
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,160
Yeah, I know that seems mad and he's
a fictional character, but...
421
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,320
He's, technically...
He's not British.
422
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,720
OK, well, it wasn't a very good
answer. Ask me the question again.
423
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,880
Who else, apart from the IRA,
makes you proud to be British?
424
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:57,440
No-one?
425
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,560
Not no-one. I'm not being
unpatriotic,
426
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,120
I'm just trying to give a good answer
and I can't...
427
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,560
Sally Gunnell?
428
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,560
- Yeah, all right, Sally Gunnell.
- Why?
429
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,920
Ask me again, who
makes me proud to...
430
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:17,280
All right. Who else, apart from the
IRA, makes you proud to be British?
431
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,840
Sebastian Coe, I think.
432
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:19,920
- Sebastian Coe?
- Yeah.
433
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,320
That's the best you can do,
Sebastian Coe?
434
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,440
- Yeah.
- Because he's on the news a lot?
435
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:28,600
No, he's... You know, he helped with
the Olympics and he could run fast.
436
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,320
Ask me again.
437
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:35,880
Who else, apart from the IRA,
makes you proud to be British?
438
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:40,080
Oh, I don't know.
I-I-I didn't expect to be asked that.
439
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:41,640
I th...
440
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,440
Sting?
441
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:50,760
Yeah, Sting.
442
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:52,960
Why?
443
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,280
That al-Qaeda/IRA routine,
444
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,760
that was some irony I was doing
there, a bit of irony.
445
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,280
And, er...
446
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,000
irony, that's one of the, er...
447
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,080
the new things we have in comedy.
448
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,800
We didn't have that in the '80s
when I started out, irony.
449
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,800
Basically, in the '80s,
when a stand-up went on stage,
450
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,160
what they said, that was
the same as what they thought, right?
451
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,280
But now, we have irony, right?
452
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,280
What that means is someone can go out
453
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,440
and what they say, that might be
the opposite of what they think.
454
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:26,120
But normally, at least 50% of the
audience don't realise that.
455
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:27,840
LAUGHTER
456
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,280
And the great thing about irony
for stand-ups,
457
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,160
from a commercial point of view,
458
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,080
is it means you can work
two audiences simultaneously.
459
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,840
LAUGHTER
460
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,560
Guardian readers and Sun readers.
461
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,720
LAUGHTER
462
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,320
Course, in the end, the guilt drives
the ironic comedian mad with shame...
463
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,840
..and they have to present BBC Four
documentaries as a form of penance.
464
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,600
LAUGHTER
465
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:57,120
Or else they go to America
and they do their irony over there,
466
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,560
where, ironically, the people don't
have a sense of irony.
467
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:01,960
LAUGHTER
468
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,080
Anyway, I'm going to finish
on a song, as threatened.
469
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,360
And this is how you do comedy songs.
470
00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:10,240
What you have to do
is choose a subject
471
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,560
and then do it like an impression
of someone. So, er...
472
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:17,760
To help me on this, will you please
welcome, from Brighton, on the banjo,
473
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,360
Nick Pynn.
474
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,600
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
475
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:29,920
And, er...
476
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,440
All right?
477
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,880
Now...
478
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,360
I got to thinking, er,
what would it be like if, er...
479
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:42,520
Bob Dylan from the '60s took a look
at stand-up comedy in Britain today.
480
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,000
Well, I think it would be
a little bit like this.
481
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:53,074
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482
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:56,880
♪ There's a bus
483
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,800
♪ That never comes
484
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,000
♪ Except in threes
485
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,680
♪ There's a train that never runs
486
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,040
♪ Because of leaves... ♪
487
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,520
LAUGHTER
488
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,040
♪ And there's a woman that
never comes
489
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,240
♪ Perhaps she's dead
490
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,600
♪ And there's a toaster
491
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,160
♪ And it always burns the bread... ♪
492
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,640
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
493
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,160
♪ Well, there's a town
in the north-east of England
494
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,960
♪ Where the weather's always freezing
495
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:34,840
♪ And the girls parade around
in inappropriate clothing
496
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,840
♪ And there's a drawer
of random objects
497
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,000
♪ In the shed
498
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,400
♪ And there's a toaster
499
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,840
♪ And it always burns the bread
500
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,800
♪ I don't believe you
You're a liar... ♪
501
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,200
LAUGHTER
502
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,800
♪ You're a liar
503
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,800
♪ And your pants are lit on fire... ♪
504
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,240
LAUGHTER
505
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:09,920
♪ You're a la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la liar
506
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,280
♪ And your name
507
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,400
♪ Is Michael f... ♪
508
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,840
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
509
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,440
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
510
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:26,800
♪ Well, there's a Dalek
511
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:30,280
♪ And it just can't get up stairs
512
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:36,880
♪ And this old bald man combing over
his last three remaining hairs
513
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,240
♪ And there's a student
514
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,240
♪ Olympics athlete
Lying stoned in bed... ♪
515
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,240
You know what, mate? It's obviously
the last fucking thing!
516
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,440
That'll be right in the front
of that shot.
517
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,160
You horrible man.
518
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:55,800
LAUGHTER
519
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,720
GROANING AND BOOING
520
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,280
I mean, how much longer
could it go on at that speed?
521
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,160
LAUGHTER
522
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,400
There's 30 seconds in it!
523
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,160
I'm not having the public
in to shows again.
524
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,600
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
525
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:19,000
If only there was some way
of eliminating you from the equation.
526
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,160
LAUGHTER
527
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:26,160
If it was just me
and broadsheet journalists...
528
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,000
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
529
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:34,880
..in a self-congratulatory loop.
529
00:28:35,305 --> 00:29:35,307
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