Original subtitles

This is the boardroom of Obsidian Capital.

To clarify, it's my boardroom

and Obsidian is the hedge fund I founded

19 days before I turned 30.

This year, "Wealth and Assets"

ranked me number 25

in its list of highest earning hedge fund managers.

Right now, my team of strategists and I

are discussing the investment

of $450 million US into Exo oil.

Stick it in this

and we'll sit around and assess the long-term investment.

You want me to stick it in some shitty company

that can't even make its own damn revised earnings

because its CEO whose tiny balls are bigger than his brains

completely fucked their ability to earn a buck?

You want me to invest a fuck ton of money

because he might do better in Q4

based on your early indicators?

And what are those exactly, hmm?

Some moron leading the sheep on CNBC?

A fucking seeking alpha article?

Or are you actually moronic enough

to believe this shit for brains

when he says he's turning the company around

when really what he's doing is just buying himself some time

before the board realizes he's decimated their value

and fucking fires him?

Uh, is this because I'm a guy?

I won't persecute you for having a penis, Patrick,

more for your piss poor judgment.

Now got back to your desks and make some fucking money.

Thank you, thank you.

Shit management, shit fundamentals,

shit value prop, coffee?

And you want me to lever it up to the tits

because it might pass some bullshit technical

if there's enough fucks as stupid as you investing in this?

Catherine, I really don't think

the fundamentals in management are as bad as you think.

We need to quickly assess what our next investment

is going to be now that we've freed up some capital

and I think that Jet-Ero-Tech could be the right choice.

Spiders are the largest order of arachnids

and rank seventh in total species diversity

among all other orders of organisms.

Spiders exist on every continent except for Antarctica.

Did you know that?

There are no fucking spiders in Antarctica?

Spider sex is an infamously dangerous activity,

especially for males.

Females will often cannibalize their mates after sex,

sometimes during.

Males will be males.

They want it so badly

they risk copulatory suicide in order to get it.

Look Tom, if you want to catch this falling knife

with your own money feel free.

Don't come crying when it slips through your hands

and takes your left nut.

We sure as fuck

aren't putting any of my client's money in this.

My name is Catherine Black.

I'm not going to tell you my age

because it doesn't fucking matter.

I'm a fucking shape shifter,

I can look any age I want.

I take excellent care of myself.

I live an extremely detail oriented lifestyle.

During the week I wake up at five a.m. precisely.

I'm happy when I wake up

because I remember that I am me and my life is incredible.

In the morning, I make a double espresso

and eat half a grapefruit and one boiled egg.

It has just enough calories to fuel my body to work out

but it is not so many that it will take my body

out of fat burning ketosis.

At 5:20 a.m., I get on my Peloton bike

and take my favorite class

with Kathy who's a spin instructor in New York.

Sometimes I go out to spin class

because everyone needs

a really enthusiastic leader in the front row.

I don't like it when people sit in the front row

and don't keep up with the tempo and choreography.

It shows a lack of self-awareness

and it is incredibly disrespectful

to the rest of the class.

I use exclusively Lalare products

because they are the best.

They're environmentally friendly, ocean conscious

and don't test on animals.

Fashion is the most important thing in my life.

My favorite designers

are Alexandre Ford, Tom Vouitre, and Ralph Ashley,

but only RA collection or violet label.

I am rarely if ever comfortable,

but I always looking incredibly stylish

which is much more important.

The next most important thing to me

is the accumulation of money.

I was not born with money

so I learned its value early on.

Money empowers us

to acquire the other things we like in life.

It also allows us to avoid the things we do not like,

such as mediocre restaurants, bad fashion style

and commercial air travel.

♪ Jump for my love ♪

♪ Jump in and feel my touch ♪

By now, you've probably figured out

that I'm a materialistic, narcissistic,

self-absorbed, raging misanthrope.

I don't deny it.

I may or may not have an undiagnosed personality disorder,

which manifests itself

in extremely antisocial attitudes and behaviors.

I also have an acute lack of conscience.

This is my therapist, Dr. Angela F. Kristofferson,

BA, MD, MSW, LPC, PHD, ABCD.

I don't come here once a week for treatment,

I come here because I like to prove to myself

that I possess such extreme intelligence and willpower

that I can easily hide my madness from everyone around me,

including my own psychiatrist.

You may think that this is a straight rip off

of "American Psycho"

and in some ways you may be right,

but this is a woman's tale.

We women are having a moment right now

and this is what we call in Hollywood

an elevated story concept,

AKA the same but different

so shut the fuck up, turn off your cell phones

and enjoy the movie.

Have a great weekend, girlboss.

You too, Jennifer.

Oh, it's Mandy, but that's okay.

This is an Aston Martin Vanquish.

It was driven by James Bond

in the 2002 film "Die Another Day".

It has a more powerful engine,

improved aerodynamics

and a six speed electro-hydraulic manual transmission.

It has a top speed exceeding 200 miles per hour.

This car cost me $294,950,

and it was worth every penny.

Siri, call the Lucky Nail Pro.

Calling Lucky Nail Pro.

Lucky Pro Nail, may I help you?

Ow.

Okay, okay, I come to your house tonight.

6:30, okay?

bitch.

I work 80 hour weeks, but the weekends,

they're for pure unbridled fun and pleasure.

There is nothing I look forward to more

than my Friday night drive from the city to Malibu

as I ponder the weekend ahead.

I expect this evening to be particularly interesting.

Oh shit, I'm late for my five o'clock.

Hey, watch where you're going, cocksucker.

I may seem perfect, it's true,

but I'm not above admitting I have my flaws

like the next gal.

For example, I'm an addict.

I'm addicted to a variety of things,

namely cocaine, champagne, excessive exercise,

sex, expensive shoes and indescribable violence.

Hi, I have an appointment at five o'clock

about renting the room.

You're late.

You're late too.

I had an $18 million crisis to solve.

What's your excuse?

I had to stop for gas.

Okay, follow me.

Smart ass.

Hi...

Catherine.

Tyler.

Sorry.

What for?

For being late or cutting me off?

Both.

Goodness, we're going to get swept away out here.

Come on in.

Welcome home.

Nice digs.

Home sweet home.

Do you want a drink?

I'm good.

Thank you.

Huh?

I'm good, thank you.

Sorry, I'm good, thank you.

Don't mind me, but I need a fucking drink.

Stirred, not shaken.

Stirred, wet and just little bit dirty.

So what does your husband do?

Why do you think I'm married?

You need a Zamboni to clean that thing.

Birthday present.

Generous friend.

Is she single?

I bought it myself year I made partner.

So you're a lawyer?

Finance.

Cool.

So you like work in a bank?

Cool, so like I run a hedge fund.

Sweet.

And there it is, the gaping chasm between us,

the mind-blowing ignorance and stupidity

of the later millennial generation.

I think I'm going to disembowel this kid

and eat his spleen.

So Tyler, why are you looking to move?

Why are you looking for a roommate?

I travel a lot.

I need to find a babysitter for my house.

Gotcha.

Why are you looking to move?

My roommate is a dick.

Lie number one.

Tyler is in fact a petty thief and con man

who responds to ads online

for room rentals in other people's houses

only so that he can steal from them.

What he is doing right now is casing my house,

or so he thinks.

What he doesn't realize is that his being here

is entirely by my own design.

Hmmm, okie dokie, it's 1,500 a month.

You have full use of the house except my bedroom.

That's off limits.

- Got it? - Got it.

- Got it? - Got it.

- Got it? - Got it.

Great, let me go get out of these clothes.

Another striking ensemble.

Thank you.

Let me give you the tour.

This is the living room.

Got it.

Only rule in here is no red wine.

More of a beer guy myself.

Good.

This is the dining room.

Nice painting.

Is it expensive?

That's a revolting question, Tyler.

Follow me.

Monday through Fridays there's a housekeeper.

She does the laundry, the dishes, et cetera.

Would she do mine too?

Well yes, that was my point.

Sweet.

This is the gym.

You lift?

Every single day.

This is the garage.

1968 classic Mustang?

He's about to tell me

he's surprised I own this car because I am a woman.

Of all the cars a chick could want,

you got a Mustang?

You didn't want like a cherry red Porsche 911 e-convertible

or a Corvette?

I'm feeling annoyed

because he's stupider than I expected

and he's about to make a movie reference, probably "Bullet".

It's like right out of "Bullet".

If he knew anything about cars,

he'd know "Bullet" was a Highland green '68.

This is a candy apple red '65.

Magic tricks are about directing attention.

I select these fabrics on purpose.

Today I'm pleased as there is a breeze.

It's giving lift to the fabric

which creates an almost slow motion ethereal quality.

Do you like it?

Hmm?

The house, do you like it?

It's a dream.

No neighbors, huh?

You could throw some pretty sweet parties,

won't get any noise complaints.

No, there never is.

Activate party mode.

Party mode.

Sometimes I come out here at night to look at the stars,

the vast quantity of the universe

spread out like a blanket of diamonds.

Sometimes I feel so powerful that I could fly,

and I mean actually, literally fly.

And I have.

Flown?

This is where I test the strength

of his decision-making matrix.

I have made a statement that can only be described

as completely insane.

Right now he should probably leave

but his desire for material enrichment

and a potential sex encounter

is standing in the way of his need for self-preservation.

It is a fascinating juxtaposition.

Dude, I'm just fucking with you.

God, you should've seen your face.

That was too easy.

I'm an idiot.

For a moment there, I thought you were a psycho

and you were gonna chop my head off

and throw it in a burlap sack.

Well, we can't rule that out

but I cannot fly, I'll tell you that much.

Chad, it's a two-fer.

She's a total MILF.

I'm talking magna cum laude pussy

and the house is insanity.

I think I actually want to get the room.

Like actually?

Actually.

Dude, don't get carried away.

Keep your focus on the task at hand.

All right, but I'm pretty sure she wants me, man.

Cocky little bastard.

How old is she?

It doesn't matter, man, her body is tight.

I think she wants a young man around the house

to keep things serviced, you know what I mean?

You're not that young pal.

Gotcha.

Dude, just stick with the M.O.,

grab what you can and get the fuck out of there.

All right.

Hmm, you're not going anywhere.

You heading out?

No.

Dress is fire.

Thank you, Tyler.

You can really hold your booze for a wee gal, huh?

Join me.

I'm driving.

Uber.

Come on, let's have a drink and chat roomie.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Octane.

Number three.

Smooth, isn't it?

So do you have family, Tyler?

Not that I see anymore.

Hmm, that's sad, I'm sorry.

I'm not.

What about you?

Just my grandmother.

Incredible woman, we're very close.

Top up?

Take it easy, Flanigan, it ain't cocktail.

Loosen up.

Tyler?

You okay?

Yeah.

ILF.

Huh?

I'm an ILF, not a MILF.

I'm not a mother.

Ooh, nail time.

Da Vinci.

Uh,.

Alfred Nobel.

Peter the Great.

Madonna.

Good match.

You're right, no one has any work ethic anymore.

Exactly.

After getting my nail fixed

and being absolutely obliterated

in Trivial Pursuit Tien-Tang,

Tyler was still out cold.

So I realized I could squeeze in a little workout.

I have a deep appreciation for '80s music

and rigorous exercise routines.

I like to wear leotards while doing my butt crunches.

I can do 1,000 now.

I also like legwarmers, sweatpants and the color pink.

Oh bloody hell, he's still out cold.

I hope it didn't fucking kill him.

That would take all the fun out of it.

Hmm, still breathing.

Resting heart rate around 60 BPM.

Man, I've really got to take a dump.

Small cap stocks outperformed

with the Russell 2000 up 5%

and the Dow Jones industrial average gained 35.5%.

Making money is incredibly arousing.

Wonder what I'm going to make for dinner tonight.

Maybe a casserole, hmm.

Hmm.

And for one blessed moment in time

a woman harasses the shit out of a man.

Oh, shut it PC police.

No one wants to hear you bitch about it.

It's fucking hilarious.

Side effects may include drowsiness, memory loss,

constipation, paranoia, bankruptcy, loss of car keys,

gambling addiction, pollution, anal leakage,

athlete's foot, spontaneous combustion,

testicular erosion, detached retina, death,

hairy palms, death, turning into a werewolf, death.

Oops.

Mmmmm.

Ooh!

Ooh, yeah.

Whoo!

♪ My baby, he don't talk sweet ♪

♪ He ain't got much to say ♪

♪ But he loves me, loves me, loves me ♪

♪ I know that he loves me anyway ♪

♪ And maybe he don't dress fine ♪

♪ But I don't really mind ♪

Ah!

♪ 'Cause every time he pulls me in ♪

♪ I just want to chill ♪

- ♪ Let's hear it for the boy ♪ - Oh!

♪ Let's give the boy a hand ♪

♪ Let's hear it for my baby ♪

♪ You know you've got to understand ♪

♪ Maybe he's no Romeo ♪

♪ But he's my loving one man show ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Let's hear it for the boy ♪

I learned early on

that it is much less messy to cut human flesh

when it's frozen

as the blood doesn't splatter everywhere.

Note this circular saw cuts on the upstroke

which often splinters the top edge.

The bottom edge usually remains smooth.

So always cut flesh skin side down for an even edge.

♪ Let's hear it for the boy, whoo ♪

♪ Let's give the boy a hand ♪

♪ Let's hear it for my baby ♪

♪ Let's hear it for my man ♪

♪ Let's hear it for the boy ♪

Fuck.

Good evening.

What happened?

I roofied you.

Wait, I can't tell if you're being funny.

Three martinis that size

would knock a rhino on its ass.

Have some water.

Dinner's almost ready.

Where's the party?

No Tyler, one doesn't abandon

one's commitment to fashion and personal style

just because one is at home.

What's that?

It's a Dynacraft Magna Gravel Blaster

boys' BMX street bike, Tyler, obviously.

Yeah, but what's it doing here?

Nephew's birthday.

You have a nephew?

Yes Tyler.

Why does that surprise you?

Well, for one you only mentioned having a grandmother

and two, you struck me as an only child kind of person.

I'm 72.5% sure that was an insult.

I didn't mention my sister

because she lives in Fresno

which makes her as good as dead,

not to mention she's married,

has three kids, a suburban life

and is no doubt utterly miserable

with what she's accomplished in life.

I cannot imagine anything more dreadful.

Than living in Fresno?

Than being married with kids.

Come on you don't want to grow old alone.

I won't be alone.

I'll have stuff.

What did you just do?

Put the pedal on.

It was just lying on the floor.

Wheels, handlebars, tighten that, seat,

ratchet that, right pedal, left pedal.

Fuck, this fucking thing is broken.

But how?

The left pedal is a reversed thread.

You got to turn it anti-clockwise.

I have an IQ of 173 and I couldn't figure that out.

You know what it's getting late.

I think I might dip.

Okay.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ The moon ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ Even more beautiful ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

Oh forgive me, this is Tyler.

Tyler, this is Yu Yan.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to eat you.

She doesn't speak much English.

So how do you guys like talk?

In like Mandarin.

A lot of ink.

What are you guys talking about?

You said you might dip?

Unless you'd like to stay.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

If that's okay.

Be a doll and make us a drink.

Naming in Chinese

is a profoundly delicate and elevated art form.

Beautiful names aren't simply

the commingling of aesthetic characters.

Names can be beautiful because of their phonetic harmony

or their poetic connotations.

Yu Yan is derived from the phrase

What does it mean?

She who has a beautiful smile.

This is good.

What is it?

It's.

It's a delicacy.

Yeah I mean this is good, real good.

It's so tasty.

Catherine, you are a wonderful cook.

Sorry, work call.

This late?

Money never sleeps.

Speak.

Jefe, Renegade X Europe missed their earnings. Down 25%.

Think the stock's gonna open even lower in the morning.

Fuck, what do you want to do?

Sell.

Renegade X Games?

Yeah.

Yeah I wouldn't sell that.

Who the fuck is this chump?

Hold on a second, Pat.

Okay.

Discuss.

Well, Battle Flux sucked ass and tanked

but they have War Beyonds III

coming out in like a week.

One and two brought in like a billion in revenue

back in the day.

Renegade also have a new game coming out,

Redix Max, a multi-platform.

Launched on consoles eight months ago

and on iOS just three months ago.

I think we can forgive them Battle Flux.

Catherine, did you hire a new consultant?

Relax, Patton, let's weather the dip

and hold the stock.

Did you ever know you're my her...

Oh my God.

You're a gamer.

I don't know whether to be wildly impressed

or totally turned off.

What is that?

Is that molly?

You want to join me?

Fuck it, I'll do anything with you.

♪ Lookin' for the fight of her life ♪

I'm scared of spiders,

even the really small ones.

Play a game with me.

♪ Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart ♪

♪ Changing movement into light ♪

♪ She has danced into the danger zone ♪

♪ When a dancer becomes the dance ♪

♪ It can cut you like a knife ♪

♪ If the gift becomes the fire ♪

♪ On a wire between will and what will be ♪

♪ She's a maniac, maniac on the floor ♪

♪ On the floor ♪

♪ And she's dancing like she's never danced before ♪

♪ She's a maniac, maniac on the floor ♪

♪ And she's dancing like she's never danced before ♪

♪ Never danced before ♪

♪ On the ice-blue line of insanity ♪

♪ Is a place most never see ♪

♪ It's a hard-won place of mystery ♪

♪ Touch it, but can't hold it ♪

♪ You work all your life for that moment in time ♪

♪ It could come or pass you by ♪

♪ It's a push-shove world ♪

♪ but there's always a chance ♪

♪ If the hunger stays the night ♪

♪ Don't tell me that you love me when you don't ♪

♪ Don't feel it in your heart but not your soul ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm laying down ♪

♪ I'm laying next to you ♪

♪ And when the words fall out ♪

♪ I hope they tell the truth ♪

♪ I'm on a midnight mission ♪

♪ Heaven knows what I'll do ♪

♪ I want to feel what I'm missing ♪

♪ I keep on coming for you ♪

♪ Tearing it up for the light ♪

♪ I'm moving my body inside ♪

♪ I'm on a midnight mission ♪

♪ I'm patient but I'm running out of rope ♪

♪ When the city sleeps I don't know what to do ♪

♪ In the darkness, my eyes are no use ♪

♪ I'm on a midnight mission ♪

♪ Heaven knows what I'll do ♪

♪ I want to feel what I'm missing ♪

♪ I keep on coming for you ♪

♪ Tearing it up for the light ♪

♪ Moving my body inside ♪

♪ I'm on a midnight mission ♪

♪ I'm on a midnight mission ♪

Good morning.

You look beautiful in the morning.

How did you sleep?

Oh, like I drank. Way, way too much

and did way too many drugs.

Last night was amazing.

If you say so.

Come on, come on, don't be a jerk,

you had a great time.

You are cute.

It is way, way too bright in here.

Why did I buy a house with so many windows?

You're really special, you know that?

I'm a homicidal bitch.

No you're not, you're amazing.

You're beautiful, elegant,

charming.

You're so smart

and

sexy.

Take it easy, Mr. Darcy.

What do you do, Tyler?

Odd jobs.

It's nothing consistent,

I just pick up work where I can find it.

Don't you have any desire to

I don't know get something more consistent

and join the corporate ladder?

I mean I would if I could but

truth is I'm a college dropout.

I couldn't afford the tuition.

What were you studying?

Engineering.

Really?

I think that you'd be great at that.

You should get your ass back in school.

I think you are really smart...

and clever and witty.

Maybe even just a little bit handsome.

You shouldn't waste all of that on odd jobs.

You owe yourself a better life than that.

Aw, she put kisses.

♪ Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen ♪

♪ Tonight we'll put all other things aside ♪

♪ Give in this time and show me some affection ♪

♪ We're going for those pleasures in the night ♪

♪ I want to love you, feel you ♪

♪ Wrap myself around you ♪

♪ I want to squeeze you ♪

♪ Please you ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ And if you move real slow I'll let it go ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ And I know, I know, I know, I know I want you ♪

♪ And we shouldn't even think about tomorrow ♪

♪ Sweet memories will last a long, long time ♪

♪ And we'll have a good time ♪

♪ Baby don't you worry ♪

♪ And if we're still playing around, boy that's just fine ♪

♪ Let's get excited ♪

♪ We just can't hide it ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I want you ♪

♪ I want you. Ha! Yes I do! ♪

♪ Ooh, boy I want to love you, feel you ♪

♪ Honey wrap myself around you ♪

♪ Want to squeeze you, please you ♪

♪ Oh I just can't get enough ♪

♪ And if you move real slow ♪

♪ I'll let it go ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

- Woo! Oh! We made it baby! Woo! - ♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ And I know, I know, I know, I know I want you ♪

♪ I want you ♪

♪ Look what you do to me ♪

♪ You've got me burning up ♪

♪ How did you get to me ♪

♪ I've got to give it up ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know I want you ♪

Yeah?

Dude, where the fuck have you been?

I've been calling you all day.

The Mustang is worth 120 grand.

I don't think I want to take it, man.

Dude, don't be stupid.

Why not?

I think I really like this girl.

What are you smoking?

You've known her for all of 24 hours.

She's got that wonder snatch pussy done fried up your brain

and suddenly you're playing house

and dreaming of your future with her?

Do you need reminding

that this glorious new reality

is a fleeting fiction?

It's not your house, bro.

She's not your little girlfriend.

She's a mark, period.

We're in the con game and this is a hustle.

Don't lose your edge.

I don't know, man.

It just doesn't feel right.

Don't vacillate.

There is no time for that shit.

If we don't pay Jose back,

he's gonna cut off our nuts

and feed them to us.

All right.

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know I want you, I want you ♪

All right.

Fuck!

Oh my God, what happened?

Are you okay?

I hit a coyote in the canyon,

just came out of nowhere.

And exploded in your car?

I got out,

I picked it up,

I tried to take it to the vet.

Didn't make it.

Oh God, come here, it's okay.

Hey it was an accident.

Are you wearing my apron?

Yeah.

It's cute.

Thanks.

Oh my gosh, you poor thing,

it must've been so scary.

Hey, it's okay.

Look, we'll get you cleaned up, all right?

After the high of the kill

there's always a come down.

It's like coming off heroin.

You feel depressed, agitated, irritable.

I needed to be alone or I was going to fucking kill him

and for once I didn't want to.

I made you breakfast.

I'm gonna go take a shower, okay?

You should leave.

But-

- We fucked, it was great

but the room is no longer for rent.

Please leave.

I thought we had something.

I'm doing you a favor kid.

Get your shit and get out.

I'm not a kid.

We're only a few years apart.

What did you think?

We were gonna fuck like rabbits, raise rugrats,

and live happily ever after?

What is wrong with you?

We had a great night.

We had an even greater morning.

We connected.

God, you're juvenile.

You don't get it, do you?

Me and you?

It's madness.

♪ Girl you are untouchable ♪

♪ You make me lose control now ♪

♪ Love is so difficult ♪

♪ You think you'll have it all ♪

♪ And I gave myself away from you ♪

♪ And I turned into somebody new ♪

♪ I wanna be, wanna run ♪

♪ I wanna stay with you ♪

♪ So there's no turning back ♪

♪ 'Cause now you've got me so into you ♪

♪ I would slit my wrists ♪

♪ If I could be next to you ♪

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ No other girl ♪

♪ Nothing in this world I need ♪

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ You got me on my knees ♪

♪ And I crave your sympathy ♪

♪ You got me working up for this ♪

♪ I hope that you believe ♪

I have a soft spot for him.

Who knew?

I haven't felt a soft spot for anything since I was six.

It was a weird, disconcerting

and frankly objectionable feeling.

What's up?

Did you get the car?

Yep, I'm on my way.

You get anything else?

A few odds and ends.

Dude, are you wearing her jewelry?

Yep.

Dude, that's weird, no?

No safer place, dude, no safer place.

As all bipolar psychopaths experience,

from time to time,

I had fallen into a stage of dysphoric mania.

I couldn't even focus on my wardrobe.

This is a typical reaction to the feeling of losing control.

I was getting sloppy.

How did I not see it coming?

Of course he would steal the car.

On the rare occasion that I find myself in a bind

I find my way out with undeniably exhausting ease.

I wonder why I'm getting messy.

Maybe deep down I just want a fucking challenge,

some situation that I can't simply unfuck.

And Tyler is proving to be exactly that.

And I mean that theoretically as well as literally.

Ugh, I have to pull myself together.

And as most girls will agree,

the best way to pull yourself together

is with a fantastic outfit.

I was 100% percent focused on finding Tyler.

Hmm, 100% focused

but for any matter involving the accumulation of wealth

for which we shall take a brief intermission.

What is it Pat?

Hey boss, got a quick question.

Yes, what is it?

I'm busy trying to kill somebody.

The LPN stock is plummeting,

something to do with the CEO tweeting a picture of his dick.

Hmm, was it big?

Well I'd say.

I mean stock dropped 40 points in the last 20 minutes.

No I mean his dick.

I mean fairly big,

you know nothing to be embarrassed about, that's for sure.

But the stock-

- I sold it all 18 minutes ago, you numb nut

and I would hardly describe that as big.

No offense, but you must have a tiny pecker, Pat.

Fuck.

You thieving treacherous little shit.

To think that I actually liked you

and let you touch my lady bits.

I'm gonna slice your face off with a cheese grater

and then feed your testicles to my girlfriend.

Oh that ain't good.

Hey baby.

Fuck you Tyler and fuck you Chip.

It's Chad.

Whatever Chip.

We don't need to belabor the fact

that your parents fucked you for life

with the ultimate douche bag name.

At the zenith of your existence, you'll still be Chip.

It's fucking Chad.

How does she know my name?

Tyler baby, I told you to get your shit and get out,

not get your shit and steal my car.

You won't miss it baby,

you can just buy another one.

I wish it were that simple, baby.

But I need that car back stat.

No can do.

This loser has a buyer already.

We're meeting him in an hour.

not much you can do about that.

Did nobody ever tell you

to turn off your location services, sweetheart?

Well yeah but then how could I geotag

on Snap and Insta?

You are a man child.

93920 Mulholland Drive,

yesterday at 12:15 p.m..

9400 North Beverly Drive, Wednesday the 20th at 11:30 a.m..

19891 Sunset Boulevard on Tuesday

and later that day 960 North Fuller-

- What the fuck?

Sidebar, I can't imagine you got anything good

at that address.

That's just the most recent.

There are dozens of houses

you pair of nitwits have ripped off

in the last six weeks.

And I also know about all the cons.

If you are not back here in one hour with my car

I'm sending all of this information to the NYPD.

NYPD?

I don't think the NYPD have jurisdiction

here in LA, Catherine.

Did you mean LAPD?

I think she meant the LAPD.

Did you mean the LAPD hun?

I'm pretty sure she meant the LAPD.

Yes, I meant the LAPD.

If you are not back here in one hour with my car

I am sending all of this information to the LAPD.

We're ready, let's go.

Your drive time is 59 minutes.

Okay, Waze is saying 59 minutes.

That's kind of cutting it close, hun,

I mean we're all the way in Los Feliz right now.

Can you make that 90 minutes?

Ugh, whatever.

And Tyler, leave Chip at home.

We're ready, let's go.

I had emerged from the abyss

and had regained control of the situation.

I was wearing my favorite new Alexandre Ford suit,

which I had just had tailored to perfection

and my champagne was chilled

to a perfect 37 degrees Fahrenheit.

There was just one thing left to do,

decide how to dispose of Tyler.

The nail gun?

Let's add that to the list of movie weapon tropes

that don't necessarily reflect real life.

Featuring in everything from "Casino Royale"

to "Lethal Weapon II",

this handyman tool

has become a fixture on the silver screen.

Next.

Oh God, that's really cliché, isn't it?

Hmm, it's been in like

every other movie that I can think of.

For example, "Dirty Harry", "Atomic Blonde",

"Tomb Raider", "Taxi Driver",

"Deadpool" one, two and probably three.

"Taxi Driver" had a gun in it?

"Shooter."

"Zero Dark Thirty",

"The Last Train from Gun Hill",

"The Way of the Gun",

"Charlie's Angels",

"Die Hard",

"Top Gun", "John Wick", "American Sniper",

"The Matrix",

"Gun Crazy", "Skyfall", "The Naked Gun Two and a Half",

"Savages",

"Wonder Woman",

"Navy Seals"

"James Bond",

"Machine Gun Preacher",

"Two Guns",

Not in this movie, folks.

I don't even like guns.

These are nunchucks.

Nunchucks are cool.

Oh yeah.

They're cool for two reasons.

Number one, Bruce Lee used them in many of his movies

including "Enter the Dragon",

which was one of my favorites.

The second reason that they're cool

is because I just like the word, nunchucks.

I don't know if it's one word or two

but I know I like it.

Nunchucks, nunchucks,

nunchucks, nunchucks.

I can also do really cool shit with them like this.

Oh please, I could never pull this off

with the panache Charlize did in "Atomic Blonde".

It was a shame I had to kill Tyler.

I really did enjoy the sex

and he was blessed genetically with an absence of body hair

and pleasingly symmetrical genitalia

which I could no longer enjoy the benefit of

once I cut it off and fed it to him.

I also had to confess

a strange feeling of admiration for his craftiness.

I viewed his deception and escape as rather an achievement.

Ew, feelings.

What?

It's just the tip.

♪ I caught you smiling ♪

♪ I know I've seen you here before ♪

What are you doing here?

What's on your face?

An instant magic facial mask.

You told me to come immediately.

Well Waze said 59 minutes.

You look hideous.

Why are you holding a kitchen knife?

I don't really know.

Why are we shouting?

Look, it's only been about 32 minutes

and you said you were in Los Feliz.

I figured I had time to do a quick facial.

I'm sorry I interrupted.

The Waze was accounting for an accident

which happened on the 10

which cleared up pretty fast.

There wasn't much traffic otherwise.

Did you bring my car back?

Yes, I did.

Are you wearing my jewelry?

Yes, I am.

It looks nice.

Thank you.

Like I kind of think you could start a new thing.

Right?

I feel like I can totally pull it off.

Totally.

Like why can't men wear jewelry?

Like why can't they?

Totally.

That is not a good look.

Would you like me to wait in the living room?

That would be very nice, thank you.

So shiny.

♪ It must've been love ♪

♪ But it's over now ♪

♪ Lay a whisper ♪

♪ On my pillow ♪

♪ Leave the winter ♪

♪ On the ground ♪

I feel you buddy.

♪ I wake up lonely ♪

♪ There's air of silence ♪

♪ In the bedroom and all around ♪

That outfit really is next level.

Thank you.

You go girl.

Where are you going?

Martini, you want one?

No Catherine, I do not want a martini.

All right, I brought your car back, your jewelry back.

Now can you delete the info you have on me now?

I don't think so.

Can you delete the info you have on me now, please?

Thank you.

Nope.

I thought we had a deal.

I'm not bound by a code of ethics, Tyler

and apparently neither are you.

You stole from me,

even though we zinged.

We did zing, right?

100% zing.

So zinged.

Zing a ding.

Zing a ding a ling dong.

Zingtastic.

That is besides the point.

All right, you promised me that if I brought you car back-

- Uh promises, promises, they're made to be broken.

Look.

Don't

you ever touch me.

Tag.

Huh?

Oh fuck that really escalated.

Are you on your period?

Fuck! Oh my God, what are you doing?

Tying up lose ends.

Is that all I am to you, a loose end?

Don't take it personally, baby, back in a minute.

♪ Dark in the city ♪

♪ Night is a wire ♪

♪ Steam in the subway, Earth is afire ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo ♪

♪ Woman, you want me, give me a sign ♪

♪ And catch my breathing even closer behind ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do dodo ♪

Oh Catherine.

You wouldn't.

Put the knife down or the couch gets it.

Is that the 1969 Chateau Lafite?

Inky burgundy in color,

this full-bodied vintage is moody, complex and dense,

fragrant with notes of chocolate, cedarwood,

sandalwood, black tea and banana,

it has an alluring whiff of mahogany and creme de cassis

which pulls you in deep to its black currant center.

The beautiful tannins and intense cocoa beans are palpable.

Well shit, this is a calamity.

I will Chateau Lafite the fuck out of this couch.

That's a sofa.

It's a couch.

No baby, I think you'll find that that is a sofa.

Mmm, couch.

Mmm, sofa.

Mmm, couch.

It's a sofa.

It's a couch.

It's a sofa.

Damn couch.

- Sofa. - Couch.

- Sofa. - Couch.

- Sofa. - Couch.

- Sofa. - Couch.

- Sofa. - Couch.

- Sofa. - Couch.

- Sofa. - It's a couch.

- Sofa. - Couch.

Sofa.

Let's agree to disagree.

All right, get in the kitchen and stay there.

Hide and seek?

Count to 100.

Okay.

Just so you know, the Lafite is a $50,000 bottle

and that sofa is Lamotte, Italian.

It had an eight month lead time and cost me 73 grand.

Think about what you're doing.

Do you have no soul?

Have you ever wondered

if there was something better you could spend your money on

instead of wine and furniture?

Well no, I can't say I have.

I mean like what?

I don't know, a charitable foundation perhaps.

I'm a self-serving, materialistic,

narcissistic, homicidal sociopath, Tyler.

I mean a charitable foundation

is not exactly keeping with my character.

Damn, you're really hard on yourself, hun.

I don't think you're any of those things.

I think you're a really wonderful girl.

You should really work on your self esteem.

You really are so sensitive and sweet sometimes.

You know, I try.

Now if you come out of that kitchen before 99,

I swear to fucking God,

I will unload this entire bottle

like a human fucking sprinkler.

And it won't just be the couch.

Sofa.

It's a couch.

Sofa.

It's a couch.

It's a fucking sofa.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

It's not gonna start.

Why not?

I put two bottles of Tide in the tank.

Speedy little sucker.

Cat's out of the bag I guess.

Tell me you did not feed me a bunch of dudes.

I did not feed you a bunch of dudes.

I'm not sensing

a whole lot of authenticity there, Catherine.

Did you feed me a bunch of dudes?

Look only two or three.

Possibly four, maybe parts of five,

but I mean who's counting?

I'm counting.

I'm fucking counting.

Oh.

Oh baby, do you need some Pepto for your tum tum?

I'm sorry, what happened to the ice pick?

It's been done before.

Is that a fucking curling iron?

Donair, double ceramic 1.25 inch barrel,

delivers even heat, fast styling and long lasting curls.

Also doubles as a totally unique and conventional,

not cliché weapon.

And you're gonna do what exactly with that, huh?

I mean is that how the rest of these poor bastards went too

with a fucking curling iron?

Okay maybe I was wrong about the curling iron.

Mmhmm.

Stay down.

Do not move, do not fucking move, okay?

I am leaving.

You have your car back, your jewelry back.

Let's not let this thing escalate.

I kind of feel like it's already escalated.

I mean you stole my car and my jewelry.

You have a stash of dead dudes in your freezer

which you fed to me.

I think that's textbook escalated.

You're right, but there's no need to escalate this

to the point of no return.

I hate to be a party pooper baby

but I kind of feel like we're there already.

I'm inclined to disagree.

All right I'm sorry I stole your car.

I'm sorry I stole your diamonds,

that was a prick move.

I'm sorry I ever came to this house.

I'm not sorry about the epic sex,

but everything else I am sorry for truly.

Now let's just hit the reset button

and pretend we never met, okay?

Sure, okay.

Okay.

36 minutes?

Well that blows.

Eat it, Maria Sharapova.

And that was a backhand, hmm.

That hurt.

Now that's convenient.

Fuck.

Really, another costume change?

You were out cold for ages.

I got a little bored.

It looks nice.

Thank you.

You always kill in couture?

Very funny.

No seriously, have you got a cocktail party to go to?

We are the party baby.

Mmhmm.

Jesus Catherine, how many more are there?

I lost count.

You're fucking crazy.

That is not nice.

There's a freezer full of bodies.

Listen, it's not what you think.

It's a pile of frozen dead people.

What am I misconstruing here?

It's a pile of frozen dead bad people.

What did they do?

Bad things.

Like what, huh?

What did that guy do?

MS-13.

What about him?

Pedophile.

What about that guy?

Rapist.

- That guy? - Murderer.

Ironic.

What about him?

- What did he do? - Meth dealer.

- Him? - Sex trafficker.

- That guy? - Homophobe.

What about him?

Neo-Nazi.

- Him? - Bigot.

- That guy? - Racist.

- Hmm? - KKK.

- Him? - Child porn.

- Hmm? - Snuff tapes.

- Hmm? - Human slave trade.

- Hmm? - Antisemite.

- Hmm? - Xenophobe.

- Hmm? - Jimmy Hoffa.

That was you?

We had to be somewhere.

What about him?

What did he do?

Evil foreign dictator.

- Hmm? - Politician.

- Hmm? - Republican.

- Hmm? - Democrat.

- Hmm? - Independent.

- Hmm? - #fakenews.

- Hmm? - Internet troll.

- Hmm? - Al-Qaeda.

Really?

We don't have time for that story.

Well what about him, huh?

What did he do?

Construction worker.

He whistled at me and then called me a puta,

totally unprovoked.

I mean he had to go.

What?

No, I don't feel like I have to justify that.

What about her?

What did she do?

She left her dog in a hot car.

Really?

It was July in Los Angeles in a Whole Foods parking lot.

Now tell me what was so fucking delicious

in the deli that day

that warranted leaving a Schnauzer puppy

in a locked Prius for 40 minutes?

On a warm day, the temperature in a parked car

can exceed 120 degrees in a matter of minutes.

Yes folks, even with the windows partially open,

your pet can suffer brain damage

or die from heat stroke.

So never ever leave your pet unattended in a parked car.

I mean I suppose that probably goes for children too.

You broke my nail.

Sorry sweetheart,

I'd do anything for you

except let you kill me with a fucking ax.

- Fuck, don't drop me. - Are you okay?

Gotcha! Sucker.

Why do you do this huh?

You're a beautiful woman and you're rich.

You have no reason to do this.

I mean have you ever rationally considered

your exposure to criminal prosecution?

I think you'd go to jail for like ever.

Not possible.

Why not?

Because I'm too good and too efficient at what I do

and I don't leave evidence lying around.

The way I see it I'm fulfilling two important things.

What's that?

First, my blood lust.

Check.

What's the other thing?

I'm doing society a favor.

Did you know that the cost of imprisoning

California's 130,000 inmates is $11.4 billion per year?

- Did you know that? - Huh?

It costs taxpayers $75,560

to house one inmate for one year in California.

I mean that's more than the annual tuition at Harvard.

With plenty left over for pizza and beer.

Exactly.

So assuming I've picked off let's say

around 100 of these guys give or take

that means that I've saved the fine taxpayers of this state

over $7.5 million.

You're welcome, California.

And thank you, Catherine.

Oh please, you don't pay taxes.

What makes you say that?

If you are reporting the profits of your crimes

to the IRS with unwashed money,

you are even stupider than I thought.

What crimes?

You steal from old people, Tyler,

including my granny, by the way.

Which one was your granny?

Cheviot Hills, pink hair, passion for lawn bull.

You took her life savings.

Ringing any bells?

Uh.

- Look at those girls. - Go girls.

This is the one for you, I mean

the numbers alone Betty, the numbers.

Truce.

Betty, Betty was your granny?

Is that why I'm here?

Initially it was.

Okay, okay.

Well for what it's worth,

she was a really nice lady

but I hardly think that that is murder worthy.

She is a really nice lady, Tyler

and I'm inclined to disagree.

I think that stealing from the elderly

is exceedingly fucked up.

Not fucked up enough to deserve to die.

That's subjective sweetheart.

God, I'm thirsty,

I'm getting that cotton mouth kind of thing,

I'm dehydrated.

Can we take a water break?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

I'm thirsty too.

All right.

I mean even if I were to agree

that the punishment doesn't fit the crime,

your very existence is a liability.

Ever heard of corpus delicti?

Corporate what?

Corpus delicti,

the body of evidentiary items,

including physical, demonstrative and testimonial

that can establish that a homicide has occurred.

You've become a loose end, baby.

I mean it'd be plain irresponsible to let you live.

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I want to believe you, baby, I really do

but you haven't exactly established

a passion of honesty and brass in your life thus far.

So tell me one thing, why the sex, huh?

I mean why not just kill me when I arrived at your door?

Was it all just some twisted preamble?

That was just for fun.

I mean you're very sexy.

Why put that to waste?

You think I'm attractive?

Oh God yeah.

Yeah, you're very sexy.

I'm flattered.

Don't be coy.

You know you've got it.

Well yeah, but I mean it's nice to hear it sometimes.

I even liked you enough to let you go

which trust me I have never done before.

I wasn't even going to kill you, you're welcome,

but then you had to steal my car,

which had a dead body in it.

And by the way, sidebar,

I know you did that for retribution.

It wasn't even about the money, was it?

It was your way of saying na na na na na, poopy on your face

because you were pissy that I kicked you out.

I wasn't even gonna kill you when you brought the car back,

you're welcome.

That does speak volumes about your magnanimity.

Right?

But then you had to go snooping around

and stumble on all of my dead bodies.

And so look what you've done.

You've backed me up into a corner.

I mean you've just backed me into a corner.

You've backed me right up in here

and now I have no option but to get rid of you.

That hurts my feelings.

This situation is completely of your own making Tyler.

You made a series of bad decisions,

starting with ripping off my granny,

which have led you to where you stand today.

You're in the home of a serial killer

with a Glock 19 in your face.

I think you have to take some responsibility

and be accountable for your actions.

Okay, you're right, it's all my fault.

Oh shit.

Ow.

Time to die.

Can we discuss this at least?

Oh no, it's not debatable.

Come on, I know you've got a soft spot for me.

What?

It's just the tip.

Oh my God.

Do you see how she just did that?

I said that to her earlier

in a sexual context referring to my penis

and now she's repeating my own line back to me

right here in this new context

referring to this tiny pitchfork situation.

Whoever wrote this is a fucking genius.

Excuse me, I'm sorry,

are you having your own

little fourth wall breakage right now?

No, no, we can't both have V.O's and break the fourth wall.

This is my movie.

Don't talk to them.

All right.

All right Jesus so possessive.

Ooh, that looks kind of bad.

I'm not very good with blood.

I find that hard to believe, peaches.

My own blood.

You should probably do something about that.

Right?

I think so.

Yeah.

I mean would you mind taking a quick break?

Not at all.

Okay.

Thanks.

Of course.

Just don't go anywhere.

Not a lot of blood, huh?

Kind of figured there'd be more blood than that.

Well alrighty.

The truth is

I really didn't want to kill Tyler.

I absolutely adored the boy.

But I had firmly resolved that it was my only option.

So I decided I might as well have some bloody fun doing it.

Activating party mode.

Clever girl, party mode.

♪ We're talking away ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm to say ♪

♪ I'll say it anyway ♪

♪ Today's another day to find you ♪

♪ Shying away ♪

♪ I'll be coming for your love, okay ♪

♪ Take on me ♪

♪ Take on me ♪

♪ Take me on ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money, money ♪

Hello baby.

I didn't even know you liked sports.

I don't like sports.

So why collect sports memorabilia?

Baby, I don't much like the impressionists either

but I still collect Monet and Van Gogh.

Van Gogh?

- Gogh? - Gogh.

I think you'll find it's Gogh.

Van Gogh.

No, it's definitely Van Gogh.

- Tomato. - Tomato.

- Potato. - Potato.

♪ Tomato ♪ ♪ Tomato ♪

♪ Potato ♪ ♪ Potato ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

We are so cute.

We are so damn cute.

The cutest.

Cutastic.

Cutie mctootie.

Polly Pocket ain't got nothing on us cute.

Cutie with a booty.

Adorably cute.

Barracutie.

- 100% cute. - Tutti fruit cute.

Like eat it, My Little Pony, we're way cuter.

Super cute.

There's never been anything cuter in your life.

Anyway.

So how come I didn't get to see this room on the tour?

Darling, don't take this the wrong way

but you are a petty thief

and you were here to case my house.

Fair enough.

How'd you get these cars in here anyway?

Eh, I had them all disassembled and then reassembled.

You're crazy.

That's been established.

Which one's the fastest?

I really couldn't tell you.

I have absolutely no idea

because I've never driven a single one of them.

I mean they all have absolutely zero mileage

which of course makes them much more valuable.

And your favorite?

I'm rather partial to the red Ferrari.

Care to dance?

I should be delighted.

Did you ever stop to consider that killing me

would be an absolute waste of great chemistry?

Actually I did consider that mon cher.

I thought about it a great deal

while we were making sweet, sweet love last night.

I was lost as a pet in the breeze,

lost as a little boat at sea

thinking of only you and me.

And then I saw your slutty texts from Tiffany.

Fuck, it's just the tip.

That is a $600,000 Lamborghini Aventador.

You could have had to plain decency to take the knife.

She doesn't mean anything to me baby, I swear.

Then why is she sending you pictures of her titties?

I didn't respond.

Because you were busy.

Busy thinking about you,

only and completely you.

I mean, don't you get it?

I adore you Catherine.

You're the most special girl I've ever met.

I can't breathe when I think about not being with you.

I mean I know we're an odd fit

but I really think we can make this work.

I mean why can't we?

We both did a bunch of bad shit,

maybe we're bad people,

but you make me want to be better,

you make me want to be a better man.

I'll do all those things you talked about.

I'll go to college and finish my degree.

I'll get a job,

make an honestly living.

I'll do anything you want.

We can make this work.

Just take a leap of faith with me.

We're meant to be together.

I know it.

Catherine I think...

I love you.

Catherine?

Catherine?

Well, how many points are we talking about here, Pat?

No, I don't have time for this.

Mmm, how many points...

On a quick call,

there's a lot of movement in Asian markets right now.

You're on a work call right now?

I'm sorry, it'll be quick.

I am so disappointed.

Here I am fully committed and present

to this epic faceoff which you initiated

and you were just off doing your own thing

without any sense of commitment to what we started here.

Movie fight scenes take a minimum of two people, okay?

I can't do this on my own.

Hit the bid for 10 blocks if it gets below 18.80.

I'm sorry.

I'm so disappointed.

You're right.

I apologize.

It was selfish

And noncommittal.

And noncommittal.

I mean do you even want to do this anymore?

Oh baby...

of course I do.

Oh please, a chainsaw?

That would be so derivative

of every other horror movie ever made.

I mean think about it.

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", 1974,

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II", 1986,

"Leatherface" "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III", 1990,

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation", 1994,

with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey.

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Remake"

in 2003 with Jessica Biel.

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"

Shit, they really did make a hell of a tot lot

of Texas Chainsaw movies, didn't they?

Can we get some fresh ideas please, Hollywood?

For example, a crossbow.

Now that's different and refreshing.

Baby, what are you doing out here?

I was conscious of your white couch.

Sofa.

Sofa.

That's really considerate, Tyler, thank you.

Look...

when things are really important to a woman

you got to listen.

I see every miscommunication

as an opportunity for relationship growth.

That's so mature.

I really appreciate that.

Just trying to be a good man.

Oh babe, a bread knife?

I didn't see the crossbow coming.

It's gonna be a slaughter.

Yeah.

That's no fun.

Not for me.

Tell you what?

Let's even the playing field

Shit.

Babe, oh fuck, oh fuck, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Flesh wound.

Are you sure?

Let's get this thing over with.

You ready baby?

Ready as ever, peaches.

Oh wait.

In case you kill me.

I think I'm madly in love with you.

I will definitely kill you

but I'm madly in love with you too.

Maybe we should get married.

What, get married?

- No. - Yes.

- Yes? - No?

Truce.

I won't tell anyone what you did

if you don't tell anyone what I did.

Deal.

But you're gonna need to not kill me or eat me.

What do you say?

Fair enough.

Want to fuck like rabbits, raise rugrats

and live happily ever after?

Fuck it.

I'd do anything with you.

♪ I don't know where to start or where to follow ♪

Doc, I think I may need to start some kind of medication.

Hi baby.

Hi.

We live an extremely chilled out lifestyle.

During the week, we wake up whenever we want.

We're happy when we wake up

because we remember that we are us

and our lives together are incredible.

We take a moment to make a gratitude list.

I am now on a complex cocktail

of mood stabilizing anti-psychotic pharmaceuticals

and I no longer kill people.

The authorities have not yet caught up to me

for which I'm very grateful

and also reassured of my own genius.

I am back in engineering school.

Catherine pays my tuition

and I no longer live a life of crime or rip off old people.

My beautiful Bae has helped me pay restitution

to her grandma Betty

and to all the others.

And while I love having the benefit

and enrichment of Catherine's earnings,

I am very enthusiastic about graduation,

rejoining the workforce and climbing the corporate ladder.

At around eight or 10 a.m.,

we get on our Peloton bikes

and take our favorite class with Kathy,

who is a spin instructor in New York.

Sometimes we go out to spin class

because it's an enjoyable social human interaction.

It's not nice to judge other people

on their looks, beliefs, political persuasion,

or lifestyle choices, people.

Let's all just be a little kinder to one another.

I now work from home in the mornings,

which I find incredibly relaxing.

In the morning,

I make her a double espresso,

half a grapefruit and one boiled egg.

I also make us pancakes

'cause she could do

with a little more cushion for the pushing.

- I love you. - Love you.

Hey kids.

What's for dinner?

Vegan.

Vegan, for real?

Yep, seriously.

I missed you, mmm.

There she is.

♪ But she's the only thing that ever made me feel like a man ♪

♪ Man, man, man, man, man ♪

Oh, a puppy?

Oh my goodness, hi.

You are so cute.

Ooh, Merry Christmas.

I love you.

♪ I have a picture ♪

♪ Pinned to my wall ♪

♪ An image of you and of me ♪

♪ And we're laughing ♪

♪ We're loving it all ♪

♪ Look at our life now ♪

♪ All tattered and torn ♪

♪ We're fussing, we're fighting ♪

♪ Delighting with tears ♪

♪ And we cry until dawn ♪

♪ Oh, hold me now ♪

♪ Oh, hold my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ You say I'm a dreamer ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Both of us searching for some perfect world ♪

♪ We know we'll never find ♪

♪ So perhaps I should leave here ♪

♪ Yeah and go far away ♪

♪ But you know that there's nowhere that I'd rather be ♪

♪ Than with you here today ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Hold me now ♪

♪ Oh, hold my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Hold me now ♪

♪ Oh, hold my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ You ask if I love you ♪

♪ What can I say ♪

♪ You know that I do ♪

♪ And that this is just one of those games that we play ♪

♪ So I sing you a new song ♪

♪ Please don't cry anymore ♪

♪ And I ask your forgiveness ♪

♪ Though I don't know just what I'm asking it for ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Hold me now ♪

♪ Hold me in your loving arms ♪

♪ Hold my heart ♪

♪ Hold my tired heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Will you stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Hold me now ♪

♪ Hold me in your loving arms ♪

♪ Hold my heart ♪

♪ Hold my tired heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Oh stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Hold me now ♪

♪ Hold me in your loving arms ♪

♪ Hold my heart ♪

♪ Hold my tired heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Come on and stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Let loving start ♪

♪ Hold me now ♪

♪ Hold me in your loving arms ♪

♪ Hold my heart ♪