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1
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,072
(screeches)
2
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,744
D'oh!
3
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,412
(grunts)
4
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,151
(gasps) Where's your helmet?
5
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,020
D'oh!
6
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,495
♪
7
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:42,309
♪ This woman's gonna getwhat she wants today ♪
8
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:46,547
♪ Barney's gonna buya new sconce today ♪
9
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:51,051
♪ Gonna buy a broomto play quidditch today ♪
10
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:55,556
♪ Waylon's gonna getsome kitsch today ♪
11
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,691
♪ ♪
12
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,500
♪ I'm gonna buysome figurines today ♪
13
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,836
♪ Some lovelypastoral scenes today ♪
14
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,839
♪ I've finally foundthe rare girl with goat ♪
15
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,742
♪ I'll stash them allin my NPR tote ♪
16
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,177
♪ Today ♪
17
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:21,682
♪ The shoppers always haggle,low price ♪
18
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:25,485
♪ And Flanders always gives in,too nice ♪
19
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,189
♪ Too nice, too nice ♪
20
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:32,125
♪ I'll sell these fuzzy dice ♪
21
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:37,531
♪ Maude bought themas a joke I did not get ♪
22
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,701
♪ Today, today ♪
23
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,171
♪ We'll sell our toys,we pray ♪
24
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:49,476
♪ 'Cause playing is a sinthat we regret ♪
25
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:50,611
BOTH:
Yay!
26
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,446
(cartoon scrambling
sound effect)
27
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,548
♪ ♪
28
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,353
(trumpets)
29
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:05,058
♪ Criterion Collection: Meryl Streep ♪
30
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,928
♪ A box of Easter candy,all Peeps ♪
31
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,464
♪ Today, today ♪
32
00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:14,067
♪ I'll undersell eBay ♪
33
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:19,306
♪ We'll get some useless craptoday! ♪
34
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,676
See, Marge?
We skip one rehearsal,
35
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,177
and we're totally lost.
36
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:26,480
♪ Today! ♪
37
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:29,816
Wow, Mr. Flanders.
38
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,119
You're selling
your used birthday candles?
39
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,987
Hmm, they relight themselves.
40
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,356
I won't have voodoo
in the house.
41
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:38,358
I'm one. I'm two.
42
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,294
I'm three. I'm dizzy.
43
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,096
(groans, thud)
44
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,032
Oh.
45
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,701
Do you really want to sell
these precious memories?
46
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,436
(chuckles)
47
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,371
They're just
earthly possessions, Marge.
48
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:55,108
All I need is God in my heart,
the good book in my hand, and...
49
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,877
(gasps)
What are you heathens doing
50
00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,879
to my Norman Rockwell
commemorative plates?!
51
00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,814
(grunting)
52
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,983
We bought 'em, we smash 'em.
53
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,785
Take that, Freedom from Want.
54
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,319
(grunts)
55
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:07,754
‐(boys laugh) ‐(Flanders groans)
56
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,589
Look at me! I'm Mr. Rogers.
57
00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,659
Yeah. And I'm Meg Ryan
in When Harry Met Sally.
58
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,327
I'll have what he's having.
59
00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:16,963
- We're having a ball!
- Of yarn.
60
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,465
(both laughing)
61
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,033
(groans)
62
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,971
Oh, all this humiliation for...
63
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,873
(scoffs) $21?
64
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,976
Get out
before I turn on the hose!
65
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,113
Thank you.
66
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,982
Okay, fine. I'm not selling
one more precious tchotchke
67
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,086
unless it's going
to a decent, respectful home.
68
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:42,989
(inhales)
69
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,860
(sighs) Damaged corner.
70
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,029
Excuse me, sir?
I understand how you feel.
71
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:51,698
Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor,
first time reader.
72
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,633
May I buy these books?
73
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,535
There's no bad words in these
74
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,003
if that's what
you're looking for.
75
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,572
I cut 'em all out.
76
00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:00,741
Mm.
77
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,542
Thank you...
78
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:04,311
Adultery Ass.
79
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,980
This is why
I always carry a fan.
80
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,381
Don't worry, sir.
81
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,550
We're boys who have
made our share of mistakes,
82
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:13,487
but these books will fire up
our imaginations.
83
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,360
♪
84
00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:24,831
My greatest moment!
85
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,604
Oh, Bart.
86
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,339
I was filming the wrong way.
87
00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:34,107
It's all me!
88
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,676
This angle makes
my nose look big.
89
00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,678
Oh!
90
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:41,348
(groans)
91
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:42,516
Hmm.
92
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:46,686
Bart, that's clearly personal.
93
00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:49,189
You have to give it back
to Mr. Flanders.
94
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:53,527
You don't have a single little
boy bone in your body, do you?
95
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,029
Hey! I did take karate.
96
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,366
Till I had an allergic reaction
to my gi.
97
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,969
- (bee buzzing)
- There's a bee in here!
98
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,105
(grunting)
99
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,340
(groans)
100
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,810
"My Journal."
101
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,312
Wait a minute.
102
00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:16,316
I've seen that red ink before,
especially the D's and F's.
103
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:19,286
- (thunder crashing)
- ♪ ♪
104
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,724
It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary!
105
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:27,828
(sniffs) Parliament Lights 100.
106
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,896
That was her brand.
107
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:33,099
EDNA:Remember: if you canteach one kid one thing,
108
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,235
then today will be a success...
109
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:38,171
Oh. I forgot
Flanders married Krabappel.
110
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:41,641
I do not need to see the
dark side of another marriage.
111
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,111
Let the oceans have it, Bart.
112
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,681
They're big enough
to hide any sin.
113
00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,983
You would think so, but no.
114
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,619
Why are corpses so buoyant?
115
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,521
'Cause I ain't dead yet!
116
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,191
The boss ain't gonna like this.
117
00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,326
I'm the boss!
118
00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:01,294
- Do you like it?
- No!
119
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,762
LOUIE:
Shouldn't we stop those kids?
120
00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:04,464
FAT TONY:
We don't kill children.
121
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,433
We'll wait till they're 18.
122
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:09,269
This is your fault, Krabappel.
123
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:10,971
You taught me to read.
124
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,473
If you read this diary,
you'll regret it.
125
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,108
Maybe not today...
126
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,377
- Okay, good enough.
- (groans)
127
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,083
What's it say?! What's it say?!
128
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,819
Does she write about how well
I cleaned the gerbil cage?!
129
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,154
If not, it might be a fake.
130
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,757
It's in there. And a lot more.
131
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,659
She says
Chalmers hides his car keys
132
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,662
on the top of his sun visor.
133
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:38,298
♪
134
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,268
(tires squealing)
135
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,337
I just became
the most powerful kid in school.
136
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,342
Slimmer!
137
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,511
- (tires squealing)
- Uh... What the...?
138
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:54,114
♪ ♪
139
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:57,450
He's got a free yogurt
at the car wash.
140
00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,519
Let's drop the car off
at the car wash,
141
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,354
get the yogurt,
and never come back.
142
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,690
The perfect crime!
143
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,296
There they are! Go get 'em!
144
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,564
Yeah, don't worry.
We'll get your car, but, uh,
145
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:14,801
all I can think of now is
we should do that, Lou.
146
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,804
Go for a drive just because.
147
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,640
- (grunting happily)
- ♪ ♪
148
00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:21,875
Ugh!
149
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,783
Finally, thanks to Mrs. K,
150
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:33,219
I'll know what goes on
in the teachers' lounge.
151
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,989
No, this is not a sales call.
152
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,492
It's an opportunity to improve
your life with gutter guards.
153
00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:42,162
Ma'am, are you sure your family
will be taken care of
154
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:43,763
in case of a sinkhole?
155
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:47,100
And with this cruise package,
you're guaranteed a deck chair
156
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,835
for one full hour a day.
157
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,571
So can I...? Hello? Hello?
158
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,173
BART:So, workingyour night school jobs
159
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:54,808
during school hours, eh?
160
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,343
(laughs)
161
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,445
Oh, you are still there.
You're just very quiet.
162
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,080
I'll wait as long as it takes.
163
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,349
(bell tolling)
164
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:06,019
Reading someone else's diary
in a church?
165
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,955
That's the worst thing
you can do in a church!
166
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,757
(Irish accent):
No, not really.
167
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,961
Oh, my God. I'm in this.
168
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,563
What did she say?
169
00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,665
(angelic choir singing)
170
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,569
"I had a wonderful time
171
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:25,238
"with my spikey‐haired
after‐school buddy.
172
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:29,142
"Sometimes I have to be tough on
him so his behavior gets better,
173
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,111
"but he's smart as a whip.
174
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,812
"When he grows up,
175
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,882
I bet there's no door
he won't be able to open."
176
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,317
What does that mean?
177
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,586
She's saying you have potential.
178
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,054
Oh, my God.
179
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,241
I thought she hated me
after I glued her to her chair.
180
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,291
And yet she says
I have potential.
181
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,395
I have a future.
The sky's the limit!
182
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,797
("Battle Hymn of the Republic"
playing)
183
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,735
("Hail to the Chief" playing)
184
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,172
I got rid of the squeak
in your chair, sir.
185
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,107
Good man.
186
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,943
When do I get paid?
It's been three weeks.
187
00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,781
BART:
Wow. Presidential chair tester.
188
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,549
Can't do better than that.
189
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:11,284
(sighs) This changes everything.
190
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:12,952
All this time
I was showing my butt,
191
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:14,387
I was actually showing promise.
192
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,456
I'm gonna live up
to that potential.
193
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:19,793
♪ I used to march downthe windy, windy sidewalks ♪
194
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,728
♪ Slapping my legwith a riding crop ♪
195
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,797
♪ Thinking it made mecome off so tough ♪
196
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:27,300
♪ I didn't smile because a smilealways seemed rehearsed ♪
197
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,302
♪ I wasn't afraidof the bullies ♪
198
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:32,038
♪ And that just madethe bullies worse. ♪
199
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,909
Pop art quiz!
200
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:39,979
Is that a "pop" art quiz,
or a "pop art" quiz?
201
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,715
It's a "shut up
and fill in the bubbles" quiz.
202
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,818
Okay, how am I gonna
blow this off?
203
00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:47,754
Maybe fill in all the bubbles
to make a skull.
204
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,557
Now, hold on, Bart.
You have potential.
205
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,992
Why not really try and do it?
206
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,728
- You think?
- (chuckles) Yes.
207
00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:57,664
(gasps)
208
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,132
I know this one. It's "B."
209
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,668
And after "B,"
the next answer's usually "C."
210
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:04,003
And the next one
I can get from Martin.
211
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,008
♪
212
00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:11,111
This cake is for Bart.
213
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,179
He got an "A" on his test.
214
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,314
Mm‐hmm.
215
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,683
What's a matter?
Wondering how I cheated?
216
00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:19,919
You know, all my thoughts
aren't about you.
217
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:22,522
LISA:How did he do it?I must find out.
218
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:26,993
(gasps) Oh, God.All my thoughts are about him.
219
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,595
Think pony. Think pony.
220
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,763
‐(pony brays) ‐(yells)
221
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:33,099
How'd you do it, Bart?
How'd you do it?
222
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,535
We're just gonna be
very happy about this grade
223
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,937
and not ask questions.
224
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:40,039
How did he do it?
How did he do it?
225
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:42,442
Do I have
two high‐achieving kids?
226
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,511
Oh, be realistic, Marge.
227
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,779
He must be hiding something.
228
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,882
♪ ♪
229
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:56,456
Ah, he's clean.
230
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,191
And so is his room.
231
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,393
I see you couldn't find out
how he did it.
232
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,496
No offense, Mom,
but mind if I take a whack?
233
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:06,065
Help yourself.
234
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,234
How, Maggie? How?
235
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,504
Oh, the treehouse, right.
236
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,706
The answer's in the treehouse.
237
00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,846
Ay Krabappel!
238
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,348
This is a new low, even for you.
239
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,349
Thanks.
240
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,684
Okay, spill it.
241
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,352
What dirt did you find?
242
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:29,689
I'm only on page 35, but it's so
clear she thought I was great.
243
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:31,291
She really liked me.
244
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,326
Even when I brought in
a dead bird from outside,
245
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,861
which I've actually forgotten.
246
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,196
What?
247
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,364
LISA:
Poor, deluded Bart.
248
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,767
She was writing that
about her cat.
249
00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:43,203
She loved how much I love tuna.
250
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,838
I don't remember that either,
but it was meaningful to her.
251
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:47,207
Listen, Bart...
252
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,043
And she said I was
too adorable to be sterilized.
253
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,778
Oh, her words, not mine.
254
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:53,213
- Bart...
- She believed in me.
255
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,215
And now I believe in myself.
256
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:57,784
And I'll tell you something
crazy: I loved getting that "A."
257
00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:00,119
Which means, you know what?
Suddenly, I get you.
258
00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:02,055
You don't suck.
259
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:04,457
You not only don't suck, you
believe in my potential, too.
260
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,524
Don't you?
261
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,660
(groans)
262
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,429
We're just two smart kids.
263
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:10,997
I... I... I...
264
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,498
(groans) Okay.
265
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,167
I believe in you, too.
266
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,837
And I have nothing more
to say except... (grunts)
267
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,806
Nothing but... (groans)
268
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:22,342
Which is worse,
to be cruel or to lie?
269
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,277
They're both great,
just like us.
270
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,945
Two smart kids.
271
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,513
And you know
what I'm gonna do now?
272
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,416
I'm gonna change someone else's
life for the better.
273
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,784
(cash register dings)
274
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:33,519
BART:
Willie?
275
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,954
I heard‐‐ can't say where‐‐
276
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,689
that you're
actually pretty lonely.
277
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,625
So I got you this little guy.
278
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,526
A Scotsman lonely?
279
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,995
Bannocks to that!
280
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:45,031
But I will take
your wee coney...
281
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,100
for me evening stew!
282
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,372
Do you like your stew?
283
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:56,042
It's got lots of extra carrots
for a growing bunny.
284
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,344
And when you grow fat enough,
285
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,147
I'll stick you
in a bubbling pot of water...
286
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,616
for your Saturday bath.
287
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:04,984
Oh, I love you.
288
00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:08,321
(groans) This lie
has made Bart a new man.
289
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:11,057
And it's giving me
anxiety attacks.
290
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,825
(hyperventilating)
291
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:14,827
Relax. Relax.
292
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:17,497
Ugh, so anxious. (screams)
293
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,166
- What's this?
- You've got bumpies!
294
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,902
Let me give you some lotion.
295
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,239
I'll be fine.
296
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,941
I just need a calming bath
and a good night's sleep.
297
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,744
(gentle music playing)
298
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:39,018
(chanting):
Om... om...
299
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:41,020
Oh, my God!
300
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:43,756
I'm helping him live a lie
that may ruin him!
301
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:49,128
Hmm. Sometimes tension hives
are the result of inner stress.
302
00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:51,464
Is anything bothering you,
young lady?
303
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,533
Just the usual‐‐
global disasters,
304
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:56,035
artificial intelligence
taking over,
305
00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:58,705
the cold, dead eyes
of Mike Pence.
306
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,808
Hmm. Well, I could refer you
to psychological counseling,
307
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,609
but why fix what you can numb?
308
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:06,612
So I'm gonna prescribe
some Sleepy and Dopey's
309
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,648
children's chewable Xanax.
310
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,316
(laughs)
311
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,819
I don't want
my daughter on meds.
312
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:14,487
You seem upset, Marge.
313
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,322
Talk to your doctor
about Troxodone.
314
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,824
You are my doctor.
315
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,126
Well, well, well. Fancy that.
316
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,294
(laughs)
317
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,662
This is gonna turn your life
318
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,164
into an oasis
of peaceful zombitude.
319
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,133
Side effects may include
bleeding out your ears,
320
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,711
Portuguese insolence,
wandering eyebrow,
321
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,535
intense longing for death,
and seeing yourself
322
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,672
as others see you. (laughs)
323
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,776
When the last student
finishes using the lice comb,
324
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,344
please pass it back up.
325
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:44,016
Now our major award of the day.
326
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,418
For me?
327
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:49,422
But my shelves are
already groaning with kudos.
328
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,023
- Not for you.
- Aw.
329
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:52,968
For the only student
who's shown dramatic improvement
330
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:55,027
in the history
of this school: Bart Simpson!
331
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:57,163
- Let's hear it for him.
- (student coughs)
332
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,932
I'll take names
if I don't hear cheers.
333
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:03,136
STUDENTS (chanting):
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!
334
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:06,305
I just want to say
thank you, Mrs. K.
335
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:08,541
You wrote the book on teaching.
336
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,944
And now, his sister,
Lisa Simpson,
337
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:15,148
will lead us in a round of
"For He's A Jolly Good Fellow."
338
00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:16,716
What?
339
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,986
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
340
00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:23,790
♪ For he's a jollygood fellow... ♪
341
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,325
To the laser tag water park!
342
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:27,794
(students cheering)
343
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,733
Take the freeway! It's quicker!
344
00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:38,137
♪ All of it's based on a lie ♪
345
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,139
♪ All of it's basedon a lie ♪
346
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:42,475
♪ For he's a jolly big phony ♪
347
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,944
♪ And only I know why. ♪
348
00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:47,480
(clears throat)
Assembly item number two:
349
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,016
- don't take drugs.
- I don't!
350
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:52,084
Our most successful
assembly ever.
351
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,400
Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear
nothing. Not even long division.
352
00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,358
Hmm.
353
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:00,626
What if there's a remainder?
354
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,929
Still a little scary.
355
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,364
You wanted to do well,
but you're not even studying.
356
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,433
You don't have to study
when you're on a roll.
357
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,135
You heard them cheering me.
358
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,471
STUDENTS (chanting):
Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa!
359
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:13,439
I wish you hadn't
had them do that.
360
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:14,974
You know what I'm gonna do now?
361
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,210
I'm gonna enter
the spelling bee.
362
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:20,980
Um, really? Just like that?
363
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,915
How about
a little reality check?
364
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,817
Spell "pneumatic."
365
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,219
No problem.
366
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,322
You're gonna start it
with an "N," aren't you?
367
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,324
I'll know
when the spotlight hits me.
368
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:32,992
Two smart kids.
369
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:36,128
Bart, spelling bees
are very public.
370
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:39,632
So if, by some fluke,
you don't do well,
371
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:42,668
you'll be embarrassed
in front of the whole school.
372
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:46,639
Worse than the time you sat
on the peanut butter cup.
373
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,174
People knew what it was.
374
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,909
No, they didn't.
375
00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:54,280
LISA:Let him learn his lesson.Let him gain from it.
376
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,015
It's not up to you to save him.
377
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:57,416
(gasps)
378
00:16:57,483 --> 00:16:59,652
The first contestant is
our most‐improved student,
379
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,955
Bart Simpson,
and the word is "interlude."
380
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,758
Um, can you use it
in a sentence?
381
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,860
I need an interlude
with my brother!
382
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:10,429
I have to explain something.
383
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,298
Obsolescence‐‐ O‐B...
384
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,510
You don't have to explain.
It's totally understandable.
385
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,303
You're just jealous. I used
to be a mixed‐up kid like you.
386
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,705
You're just not reading
the right diaries.
387
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,140
MILHOUSE:
Obsequious...
388
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,076
Bart, there's a page in
the diary you didn't read yet.
389
00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:26,279
(inhales) I'm sorry.
390
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,647
I'm so sorry.
391
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,515
I just don't want you hurt.
392
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,920
"My special little guy has
the fluffiest tail"?
393
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,255
Still think
she's talking about you?
394
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,324
Could be. I played a reindeer
in the school play.
395
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,626
Which was weird, because
it wasn't a Christmas play.
396
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:41,727
Keep reading.
397
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,596
"Purring when I pet him"?
398
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,140
"Scratching at
the bell on his collar"?
399
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:47,833
"Always using his litter box
appropriately"?
400
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,303
Oh, it wasn't me
who had potential.
401
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:52,738
It's a frickin' cat!
402
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,909
(whimpering)
403
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,011
(gasps)
404
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,581
(whimpering)
405
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,683
Oh. No bumps.
406
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,019
- I brought you dinner.
- Don't want it.
407
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,689
I'm just a loser kid,
and that's all I will ever be.
408
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,223
Oh, honey...
409
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:12,692
Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge
410
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,560
if you try to make me
feel better right now.
411
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,362
Hmm...
412
00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:22,468
So, I understand
413
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,071
you've been reading
Edna's diary.
414
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:26,806
Yeah, I'm sorry.
415
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:29,408
I sure hope there's something
in the Bible about forgiveness.
416
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:31,310
Son, I'm not here to judge you.
417
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,312
Curiosity is one of
the devil's sharpest tools.
418
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:35,615
That's why I don't even
look down in the shower.
419
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:38,250
Eyes always up
into God's scalding water.
420
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,919
(chuckles)
421
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:41,988
Okay, I'll get to the point.
I'm here to tell you
422
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,823
something that might
make you feel better.
423
00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:45,424
Did you know Edna and I once
424
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:47,426
were thinking
of leaving Springfield?
425
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,128
Oh, I feel so much better.
426
00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:51,664
How does he do it? I don't know!
427
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,499
But the fact is we didn't move.
428
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,967
We had a family meeting.
429
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,802
It was Todd's turn at the gavel.
430
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,838
TODD:
Order! Order!
431
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:02,041
Now, we can't leave Springfield
unless it's unanimous. Todd?
432
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,943
TODD:
I vote "yes."
I can finally get away
433
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,911
from that ladybug
that scares me.
434
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,849
I'm tired of Mr. Simpson
peeing in our bird bath.
435
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:13,285
Well, that's one, two,
three, and...
436
00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:15,121
I have to stay here
in Springfield,
437
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,189
because boys
like Bart Simpson need me.
438
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:19,592
Sweet, misunderstood boys,
439
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,361
who just need someone
to recognize the basic goodness
440
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,130
that's trapped inside them
441
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:26,966
and is desperately
trying to get out.
442
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,300
(sneezes)
443
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,302
She was allergic
to the cat, but, uh,
444
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:32,304
you were nothing
to sneeze at, son.
445
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,640
Well, did that help?
446
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,975
Yeah!
447
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,777
Now let us give thanks.
448
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,079
If only people stopped
when they made their point.
449
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,480
But thanks.
450
00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:43,482
And this belongs to you.
451
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:44,950
You might want to read it.
452
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,652
You come off pretty well.
453
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,288
No sirree, Bob. Those are
Edna's private thoughts,
454
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,557
and they're gonna stay private.
455
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:53,959
Did you fix Bart?
456
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,127
Yep.
457
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,495
What's in your hand?
458
00:19:56,562 --> 00:19:58,898
Uh, uh, nothing.
459
00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:01,333
♪ ♪
460
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,402
"Now that I've been
with Ned a year,
461
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,504
he's made my life a living..."
462
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:08,407
I'll think of a penance.
463
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,844
"Dream come true."
464
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,580
Oh. (sniffles)
Now I got to clean my specs.
465
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,082
Thanks, Edna.
466
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:24,924
♪ I found her diaryunderneath a tree ♪
467
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:29,428
♪ And started reading about me ♪
468
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:35,534
♪ The words she'd writtentook me by surprise ♪
469
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:39,605
♪ You'd never read themin her eyes ♪
470
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:45,544
♪ All the sweet thingsthey can find. ♪
471
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:50,416
♪
472
00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:00,326
(singers vocalizing)
473
00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:30,589
Shh!
32306
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