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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:31,204 --> 00:00:32,748 Is the sweetheart you married... 2 00:00:32,831 --> 00:00:34,750 the husband you expected him to be? 3 00:00:34,792 --> 00:00:36,043 Has the war created... 4 00:00:36,126 --> 00:00:38,379 new problems for you in your marriage? 5 00:00:38,462 --> 00:00:40,465 To answer these and other personal problems... 6 00:00:40,548 --> 00:00:42,050 John J. Anthony... 7 00:00:42,091 --> 00:00:44,719 founder of the famed Marital Relations lnstitute... 8 00:00:44,803 --> 00:00:47,264 in a brand-new program of daily sessions... 9 00:00:47,305 --> 00:00:49,141 of kindly and helpful advice. 10 00:00:49,224 --> 00:00:51,894 Mr. Anthony, are you ready for your first case? 11 00:00:51,977 --> 00:00:53,437 Quite ready, George. 12 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:56,107 The first case is that of Miss C.A. 13 00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,735 All right. Let's go. Your problem, please? Come in. 14 00:00:59,819 --> 00:01:03,406 Broadcasting's original program of mediation... 15 00:01:03,490 --> 00:01:06,451 "The Court Of Human Relations." 16 00:01:06,493 --> 00:01:09,955 I wonder if we're not losing sight of the fact... 17 00:01:09,997 --> 00:01:12,374 that the basic reality of life... 18 00:01:12,458 --> 00:01:15,878 is not machinery or politics or industry... 19 00:01:15,961 --> 00:01:20,028 or even rockets to the moon, but human relationships. 20 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,600 Tonight, one of the letters I'll discuss... 21 00:01:28,642 --> 00:01:30,561 is this one from a man who writes... 22 00:01:30,644 --> 00:01:32,563 "My second wife is starting to resent me... 23 00:01:32,646 --> 00:01:34,857 "for all the things I did with my first wife. 24 00:01:35,087 --> 00:01:37,485 "How can I convince her that I love her... 25 00:01:37,568 --> 00:01:40,363 "and want us to have many happy years together?" 26 00:01:40,509 --> 00:01:42,387 Please stay tuned. 27 00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:45,911 Possibly you see these as feminine qualities. 28 00:01:45,994 --> 00:01:47,913 Now, we all have feminine qualities. 29 00:01:47,996 --> 00:01:50,749 We're a part of male and female. 30 00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:53,419 Every man has a tiny vagina... 31 00:01:53,502 --> 00:01:55,755 and every woman has a tiny penis-- 32 00:01:55,838 --> 00:01:57,757 very, very tiny, but it's there. 33 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,759 We are part of a total whole... 34 00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:02,303 and if we accept this whole within ourselves... 35 00:02:02,345 --> 00:02:05,098 then we can become an entire person... 36 00:02:05,181 --> 00:02:08,101 and accept ourselves and love ourselves... 37 00:02:08,185 --> 00:02:12,398 and become lovable so others can love us as well. 38 00:02:14,942 --> 00:02:17,361 - Yes, that's right ! 39 00:02:34,192 --> 00:02:38,822 - Burns, someone escaped. - Oh, good. 40 00:02:38,864 --> 00:02:42,159 Goddamn it! How did Lopez get out on that ledge? 41 00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:44,495 He stole Watkins' key and opened the window. 42 00:02:44,537 --> 00:02:47,081 Wait a minute. How did Lopez get that key? 43 00:02:47,165 --> 00:02:48,708 Was Watkins stoned again? 44 00:02:48,791 --> 00:02:50,710 Yes, sir. - All right. 45 00:02:50,752 --> 00:02:53,380 Let's go bring in Lopez, and you call Chuck... 46 00:02:53,463 --> 00:02:56,049 and tell him, "Turn off this goddamn alarm!" 47 00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:57,926 It's driving me nuts! 48 00:02:58,010 --> 00:03:00,054 Hey, where are you going? 49 00:03:00,137 --> 00:03:03,891 I can't concentrate with alarm bells going off. 50 00:03:03,974 --> 00:03:06,102 I got a friend out on that ledge... 51 00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,687 he's gonna be thrown into solitary. 52 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,023 That's it. No more messing around with the inmates. 53 00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:12,442 I'm sticking to the doctors and the guards. 54 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,528 It won't be as much fun. 55 00:03:20,805 --> 00:03:21,535 Lopez ! 56 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:24,455 I want you to come in here this instant. 57 00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:25,289 No ! 58 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:28,501 All right. Let's talk. I'm here for you. 59 00:03:28,585 --> 00:03:29,961 I'm--I'm here to listen. 60 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,547 Up yours, man. - All right. 61 00:03:32,631 --> 00:03:35,217 What I hear you saying is "Up mine, man." 62 00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:39,054 Up yours. Up yours. Up yours. 63 00:03:39,138 --> 00:03:42,892 OK. What I hear you saying is a lot of up mines... 64 00:03:42,933 --> 00:03:44,435 and that's really good-- listen-- 65 00:03:44,518 --> 00:03:48,064 because you're starting to work out some of your anger. 66 00:03:48,147 --> 00:03:50,608 Go ahead, give it to me. I can take it. I'm your man. 67 00:03:50,650 --> 00:03:52,110 You're full of shit. 68 00:03:52,152 --> 00:03:55,489 What I hear you saying-- - Hey, I hear me saying it, too! 69 00:03:55,572 --> 00:03:57,157 Now back the fuck off! 70 00:03:59,618 --> 00:04:01,120 I hear you. 71 00:04:02,747 --> 00:04:04,540 Goddamn it, I thought I told you... 72 00:04:04,624 --> 00:04:06,501 to beef up his dose of thorazine. 73 00:04:06,584 --> 00:04:09,129 I think we did. - Yeah. 74 00:04:09,212 --> 00:04:12,716 Lopez, I'm your doctor! Now get the hell off this ledge! 75 00:04:12,841 --> 00:04:13,654 Hi, Lopez ! 76 00:04:13,759 --> 00:04:15,928 Burns? - Burns! 77 00:04:16,011 --> 00:04:17,388 Dr. Baird! What the heck... 78 00:04:17,471 --> 00:04:19,515 are you two guys doing out here tonight? 79 00:04:19,598 --> 00:04:21,100 Get out of here, Burns. 80 00:04:21,183 --> 00:04:24,103 I get it. You're having a private therapy session. 81 00:04:24,145 --> 00:04:28,358 Burns, get back now! - I want to talk to Burns. 82 00:04:28,441 --> 00:04:30,318 I don't give a shit what you want, Lopez ! 83 00:04:30,402 --> 00:04:32,988 That's very sensitive of you. 84 00:04:33,071 --> 00:04:37,826 Lawrence? May I speak with you privately, inside? 85 00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:43,749 I can handle this. 86 00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:45,335 What makes you think you're qualified? 87 00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:46,544 This time, he's jumping. 88 00:04:46,628 --> 00:04:47,921 Next time, he may be pushing others. 89 00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:50,966 He's a menace to society. - Only if he falls on somebody. 90 00:04:52,050 --> 00:04:55,220 Burns, remember, I'm the doctor. You're just an inmate. 91 00:04:55,304 --> 00:04:58,891 Yeah, Doctor. Now would you please close the window? 92 00:05:14,283 --> 00:05:17,328 So, what's the thinking here, Lopez ? 93 00:05:17,369 --> 00:05:21,332 I'm thinking I can fly. And if not, who gives a shit? 94 00:05:21,374 --> 00:05:25,587 And what about our dreams, man? The dream of you and me... 95 00:05:25,670 --> 00:05:27,422 playing for the Cubs in the World Series? 96 00:05:27,505 --> 00:05:30,383 You're pitching. I'm catching. Bases are jammed in the ninth. 97 00:05:30,425 --> 00:05:32,052 I call for the spitter. 98 00:05:32,135 --> 00:05:34,012 You hork up an ungodly goober... 99 00:05:34,054 --> 00:05:35,806 fire it up, the bottom drops out of the pitch. 100 00:05:35,889 --> 00:05:37,433 Mattingly strikes out! 101 00:05:37,516 --> 00:05:40,436 And when the dust clears, man, it's you and me... 102 00:05:40,519 --> 00:05:43,856 sitting around at Hef's in the grotto... 103 00:05:43,898 --> 00:05:46,693 with a bunch of ladies named Miss February. 104 00:05:46,735 --> 00:05:49,946 No way, man. - And why not? 105 00:05:50,030 --> 00:05:51,239 'Cause even in a dream... 106 00:05:51,323 --> 00:05:53,575 the Cubs can't win a World Series. 107 00:05:53,659 --> 00:05:58,622 To hell with it. I'm jumping. - Wait! Wait! 108 00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,708 Now, here's an aspect of your death... 109 00:06:02,794 --> 00:06:04,754 You hate Dr. Baird, don't you? 110 00:06:04,796 --> 00:06:07,090 I hate the miserable bastard. 111 00:06:07,173 --> 00:06:08,925 Just think how awful you could make him feel... 112 00:06:09,009 --> 00:06:10,886 if I can talk you off this ledge... 113 00:06:10,927 --> 00:06:12,763 and succeed where he failed. 114 00:06:25,568 --> 00:06:28,822 Get in here, Burns. - Wait a minute, Dr. Baird. 115 00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:30,490 Now, all those people down there... 116 00:06:30,574 --> 00:06:32,659 have come here expecting someone to jump. 117 00:06:32,743 --> 00:06:35,663 And if nobody does, they are going to leave here... 118 00:06:35,746 --> 00:06:37,206 with an empty, unsatisfied... 119 00:06:37,289 --> 00:06:39,041 what-is-the-point-of-my-job kind of feeling. 120 00:06:39,125 --> 00:06:41,794 Do you know what I mean? - No, and I don't care. 121 00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:44,756 Well, that's the difference between you and me. 122 00:06:44,798 --> 00:06:49,136 I do care. And now... 123 00:06:49,219 --> 00:06:56,185 diving for the Cicero County Correctional Mental Facility... 124 00:06:56,268 --> 00:06:59,522 John William Burns, Jr. 125 00:06:59,605 --> 00:07:06,655 Geronimo! Heads up! 126 00:07:22,839 --> 00:07:24,048 George? 127 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,681 What? 128 00:07:30,722 --> 00:07:34,643 It's a beautiful day outside. Don't you want to get up today? 129 00:07:35,248 --> 00:07:36,270 No. 130 00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:40,024 But you've been in bed for two weeks. 131 00:07:40,108 --> 00:07:41,526 So? 132 00:07:41,609 --> 00:07:44,654 Well, you're a psychiatrist. Don't you think that's odd? 133 00:07:44,769 --> 00:07:45,697 No. 134 00:07:46,198 --> 00:07:47,657 I brought you some lunch. 135 00:07:49,076 --> 00:07:52,579 George, I really think this is one of your worst depressions. 136 00:07:54,790 --> 00:07:57,043 Am I alone in this marriage, Vera? 137 00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,878 How many times do I have to tell you? 138 00:07:58,961 --> 00:08:02,006 I'm not depressed. I just need space. 139 00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:07,012 What about your radio show and your patients? 140 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:09,890 Patients? With their petty penis problems... 141 00:08:09,973 --> 00:08:13,519 and their empty vaginal concerns? 142 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:16,564 Those vampires are sucking the life out of me! 143 00:08:16,647 --> 00:08:19,192 All right, I'm going to do a little shopping. 144 00:08:19,275 --> 00:08:20,568 Can I get you anything? 145 00:08:23,238 --> 00:08:24,864 I love you. 146 00:08:24,906 --> 00:08:26,908 I can't deal with that, either. 147 00:08:34,917 --> 00:08:38,880 All right, George. Time to say good-bye. 148 00:08:51,101 --> 00:08:53,395 Tell me something. When did you two angels of mercy... 149 00:08:53,437 --> 00:08:55,064 first feel the burning need... 150 00:08:55,106 --> 00:08:56,482 to assist the mentally handicapped? 151 00:08:56,566 --> 00:08:58,067 When we found out we could hit them... 152 00:08:58,109 --> 00:08:59,235 without getting caught. 153 00:08:59,319 --> 00:09:01,529 Hi, Robin. How are you? 154 00:09:03,448 --> 00:09:07,411 He's all yours. - I've heard that before. 155 00:09:16,254 --> 00:09:18,381 So, kid, you missed my dive. 156 00:09:18,464 --> 00:09:20,717 It was a classic. But you'll be able... 157 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,594 to see it on the eleven o'clock news. 158 00:09:25,055 --> 00:09:29,143 Please, let me take you away from all of this. 159 00:09:29,226 --> 00:09:31,103 I think my boss is planning... 160 00:09:31,145 --> 00:09:33,731 to take you away from all of this. 161 00:09:35,316 --> 00:09:37,610 Dr. Lawrence Baird's office. 162 00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:39,946 I'm sorry, Dr. Baird's no longer... 163 00:09:39,988 --> 00:09:41,531 connected with this institution in any way... 164 00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,867 shape, fashion, or form. 165 00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:47,663 He can be reached at the Betty Ford Clinic. 166 00:09:47,746 --> 00:09:48,956 No, as a patient. 167 00:09:50,082 --> 00:09:52,835 What am I supposed to say when they call back? 168 00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,045 Tell them the truth. 169 00:09:54,128 --> 00:09:56,297 He's a hopeless case. He's never getting out. 170 00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,550 You embarrassed me. 171 00:09:58,633 --> 00:10:02,554 You embarrassed the hospital, the staff... 172 00:10:02,637 --> 00:10:05,265 and the entire state health care system... 173 00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:07,142 all for a cheap laugh. 174 00:10:07,184 --> 00:10:08,394 It was not cheap. 175 00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:12,523 It won't happen again, 'cause you know what I got here? 176 00:10:12,606 --> 00:10:13,816 Your record. 177 00:10:13,858 --> 00:10:16,194 Great. Put on side two. Let's rock. 178 00:10:16,277 --> 00:10:18,321 Now, that was cheap, sir, by way of illustrating-- 179 00:10:18,363 --> 00:10:19,906 Shut up. 180 00:10:19,989 --> 00:10:24,161 Thrown out of Cornell. Dumped by the Army. 181 00:10:24,202 --> 00:10:28,207 Sentenced to four years in Joliet for computer fraud. 182 00:10:28,290 --> 00:10:30,000 I'm a pathetic human being, sir... 183 00:10:30,042 --> 00:10:33,170 a pathological misfit with delusions of grandeur. 184 00:10:33,212 --> 00:10:35,047 I think Jung said it best, or perhaps it was from... 185 00:10:35,131 --> 00:10:36,591 "The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness--" 186 00:10:36,674 --> 00:10:39,677 A little learning is a dangerous thing. 187 00:10:39,719 --> 00:10:41,721 Do I at least get points for self-knowledge? 188 00:10:41,763 --> 00:10:44,600 No. What you get, Mr. Smart Ass... 189 00:10:44,683 --> 00:10:46,894 is your transfer back to prison. 190 00:10:50,898 --> 00:10:54,360 Doesn't take too much to shut you up, does it? 191 00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:56,654 You're here because you were able to convince... 192 00:10:56,738 --> 00:10:59,741 a bleeding-heart warden that you were crazy. 193 00:10:59,824 --> 00:11:03,829 I know you're not crazy. 194 00:11:03,912 --> 00:11:07,916 You're just another asshole looking for a way out. 195 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:12,213 Now, this order is undated and unsigned... 196 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,758 and it stays that way if you behave. 197 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:19,054 If not, your ass is back in prison. 198 00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:20,597 Need I say more? 199 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,725 - Actually, George, I think we can contain this problem. 200 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,395 You're not broadcasting for a couple of days. 201 00:11:26,437 --> 00:11:28,772 I'll just get the P.R. guys to start deflecting the flack. 202 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,441 I did not have a nervous breakdown... 203 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,068 and I did not try to kill myself. 204 00:11:32,151 --> 00:11:33,903 I'm simply a man who, under a lot of stress... 205 00:11:33,945 --> 00:11:35,363 took a few too many valium. 206 00:11:35,446 --> 00:11:38,658 lt was twenty-seven. - Were you actually counting? 207 00:11:38,742 --> 00:11:41,453 I'm a big fan of yours, Dr. Maitlin. 208 00:11:41,536 --> 00:11:42,746 My name is Klevin... 209 00:11:42,788 --> 00:11:45,290 and I really think your radio show is special. 210 00:11:45,374 --> 00:11:46,542 Thank you. 211 00:11:46,625 --> 00:11:49,462 You saved my life one time. - Really? I did? 212 00:11:49,545 --> 00:11:51,255 I was living in one of those... 213 00:11:51,339 --> 00:11:53,091 depressing apartments in North Hollywood. 214 00:11:53,174 --> 00:11:55,134 It was one of those hot July eighth kind of-- 215 00:11:55,218 --> 00:11:56,469 You know what, Klevin? 216 00:11:56,553 --> 00:11:58,263 I really can't cope with this right now. 217 00:11:58,346 --> 00:11:59,723 I'm under a tremendous amount of stress. 218 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,183 Get me out of here. 219 00:12:05,688 --> 00:12:06,981 - - Dr. Rosenberg... 220 00:12:07,064 --> 00:12:08,607 I've got to get out of L.A. 221 00:12:08,691 --> 00:12:11,444 I'm being constantly recognized. I'm not getting any rest. 222 00:12:11,485 --> 00:12:13,488 You're in no shape to go anywhere. 223 00:12:13,571 --> 00:12:15,281 Actually, George has a point. 224 00:12:15,365 --> 00:12:17,367 People find out he's at a you-know-what... 225 00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:18,994 and tried to commit you-know-what... 226 00:12:19,077 --> 00:12:20,454 it would be very bad for business. 227 00:12:20,495 --> 00:12:21,955 Harvey, book me to London. 228 00:12:21,997 --> 00:12:24,374 Tell everybody that I'm off on a six-month sabbatical... 229 00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:26,252 to do research on my next book. 230 00:12:26,335 --> 00:12:29,213 Do you think you're in any kind of shape to write a book? 231 00:12:29,296 --> 00:12:32,341 There's no book. It's just a business lie. 232 00:12:32,592 --> 00:12:33,551 Oh, Dr. Maitlin... 233 00:12:33,635 --> 00:12:34,802 What? 234 00:12:34,886 --> 00:12:37,931 Was there something wrong with the service? 235 00:12:38,014 --> 00:12:40,809 Did I offend you in some way? - What do you want? 236 00:12:40,892 --> 00:12:43,103 The gratuity was a bit scarce. 237 00:12:43,187 --> 00:12:45,940 I see. You want more money? 238 00:12:48,317 --> 00:12:51,487 Leeches! This is what you get for saving somebody's life! 239 00:12:51,529 --> 00:12:54,365 They want more, more--more time, more money, more love! 240 00:12:54,449 --> 00:12:55,575 We'll pay for it. 241 00:12:55,658 --> 00:12:58,662 Is everyone all right except the waiter? 242 00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:02,040 Maybe it would be a good idea to get George out of town. 243 00:13:02,124 --> 00:13:05,148 Thank you, Vera. - You're welcome, George. 244 00:13:05,711 --> 00:13:07,963 I need to find a replacement-- 245 00:13:08,047 --> 00:13:10,383 someone from a mediocre medical school. 246 00:13:10,466 --> 00:13:12,510 Someone who can take over my practice... 247 00:13:12,552 --> 00:13:14,763 without really curing anyone. 248 00:13:14,846 --> 00:13:17,599 Someone who can continue my radio show... 249 00:13:17,682 --> 00:13:20,018 without helping anyone and making me look bad. 250 00:13:20,102 --> 00:13:21,687 In other words, a bum. 251 00:13:21,728 --> 00:13:24,732 Right, but make sure it's an out-of-state bum. 252 00:13:24,773 --> 00:13:25,983 Why? 253 00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:28,027 Why? Because every therapist in this town... 254 00:13:28,069 --> 00:13:30,488 is insanely jealous of me. 255 00:13:33,324 --> 00:13:35,410 Find me some convention in London... 256 00:13:35,493 --> 00:13:37,621 so I can write it off. 257 00:13:39,039 --> 00:13:42,126 I just want to go to sleep. 258 00:13:50,426 --> 00:13:53,346 Fastball. - Good. 259 00:13:53,429 --> 00:13:55,056 Peace. 260 00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:57,100 If you're gonna play in the Major Leagues... 261 00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:58,769 you've got to learn what the signals are. 262 00:13:58,852 --> 00:14:02,231 This is important, OK? Now... 263 00:14:02,272 --> 00:14:03,649 Spitball. - Good. 264 00:14:03,732 --> 00:14:04,900 - Happy hour. 265 00:14:04,942 --> 00:14:06,777 Look, you're interrupting the game, all right? 266 00:14:06,861 --> 00:14:08,905 Now get off the field. 267 00:14:08,988 --> 00:14:10,740 Open your mouth. 268 00:14:10,782 --> 00:14:12,659 You know how I enjoy opening it for you. 269 00:14:12,742 --> 00:14:14,577 Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy. 270 00:14:14,619 --> 00:14:19,583 Watkins, I'm so sorry! I accidentally did that. 271 00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:24,088 But now I'm dancing on them. I'm right out of control! 272 00:14:24,171 --> 00:14:25,631 Help me. 273 00:14:25,673 --> 00:14:28,676 Sunlight comes at daytime 274 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,597 And the moonlight comes at night 275 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,269 You call my name 276 00:14:37,352 --> 00:14:40,606 And I get a fever when you hold me tight 277 00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:42,942 You give me fever 278 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,860 Fever 279 00:14:49,991 --> 00:14:53,161 It's so wrong. He's my husband. 280 00:14:53,244 --> 00:14:55,080 You're his lawyer and best friend. 281 00:14:55,163 --> 00:14:56,957 From now on, just think of me as his lawyer. 282 00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:01,962 What if George's depression is because he knows about us? 283 00:15:02,046 --> 00:15:03,339 Did he say anything? - No. 284 00:15:03,422 --> 00:15:07,134 Good! - What are you doing? 285 00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:09,804 All I can think about is having you on my desk. 286 00:15:09,887 --> 00:15:12,974 It's so wrong. - I'm so tired of what's right. 287 00:15:22,526 --> 00:15:26,239 Are you all right? - No, we're not all right. 288 00:15:26,322 --> 00:15:29,075 Thank you. You've been very helpful. 289 00:15:29,158 --> 00:15:30,493 Not at all. 290 00:15:33,872 --> 00:15:36,792 Is that a Chloe or a Montana? 291 00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:40,984 It's a Gee Kee. - Outrageous. 292 00:15:43,215 --> 00:15:44,842 This ought to cheer you up. 293 00:15:46,052 --> 00:15:47,887 I think I found the perfect guy. 294 00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:50,265 He's in Chicago. - Good. Who is he? 295 00:15:50,348 --> 00:15:52,851 His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird. He's chief psychiatrist... 296 00:15:52,893 --> 00:15:55,395 for the Cicero County Corrections Mental Facility-- 297 00:15:55,437 --> 00:15:56,980 a real dump, which ought to satisfy... 298 00:15:57,064 --> 00:15:58,482 Maitlin's out-of-state requirements. 299 00:15:58,565 --> 00:15:59,692 That's good. - Secondly... 300 00:15:59,775 --> 00:16:01,610 he wrote his doctoral thesis on Maitlin's theory... 301 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:04,447 of psychocerebral equilibrium, so he's in alignment... 302 00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:05,781 with Maitlin's theoretical approach. 303 00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:08,409 Perfect. Is he too smart? 304 00:16:08,493 --> 00:16:10,912 He graduated from Florida State University... 305 00:16:10,954 --> 00:16:12,414 with a C-plus average. 306 00:16:12,497 --> 00:16:14,040 The guy's lucky to be working. 307 00:16:18,837 --> 00:16:21,507 The sleeves on this jacket are awfully long. 308 00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:23,968 I always like to show a little linen at the cuff. 309 00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,845 You're a smart ass... 310 00:16:25,928 --> 00:16:28,181 and you'll always be a smart ass. 311 00:16:28,264 --> 00:16:31,768 Now your smart ass is going back to prison. 312 00:16:31,851 --> 00:16:33,395 They won't take me. 313 00:16:33,437 --> 00:16:35,772 You convinced them you were crazy. 314 00:16:35,856 --> 00:16:39,902 You were "eating paint chips off the windowsills... 315 00:16:39,944 --> 00:16:42,989 "and licking dust off the tops of radiators." 316 00:16:43,072 --> 00:16:45,616 That part was easy. Then I got really carried away. 317 00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,619 You know, paper clips, plastic forks... 318 00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:50,997 Kleenex, Naugahyde. - An epicure! Good! 319 00:16:51,081 --> 00:16:53,083 I think I can arrange a loaf of bread... 320 00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:55,377 a jug of water, and thou licking the floor... 321 00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:57,337 of maximum solitary. 322 00:16:57,421 --> 00:17:01,008 I'm impressed. You have quite a way with words. 323 00:17:01,092 --> 00:17:02,927 One would think you'd be thought of around here... 324 00:17:02,969 --> 00:17:05,096 as a poet instead of an ignorant, puffed-up... 325 00:17:05,138 --> 00:17:06,639 smidgen of blowfish shit. 326 00:17:14,147 --> 00:17:17,526 A self-destructive need to defy authority. 327 00:17:17,609 --> 00:17:20,154 Now that's convincing. 328 00:17:20,237 --> 00:17:23,157 Come to think of it, Joliet isn't really... 329 00:17:23,199 --> 00:17:25,284 the right environment for you. 330 00:17:25,326 --> 00:17:29,539 You require something more specialized. 331 00:17:29,623 --> 00:17:32,584 They've got this endorphin research... 332 00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,087 going on at Stateville Sanitarium. 333 00:17:35,170 --> 00:17:37,715 Research? That's very exciting! 334 00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:40,468 Plenty of long needles and heavy sedation. 335 00:17:40,509 --> 00:17:41,636 Trouble is... 336 00:17:41,719 --> 00:17:45,056 they need maximum-risk psychopathic patients. 337 00:17:45,139 --> 00:17:47,851 They'll be happy to hear I found them one. 338 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,478 Where is he? I'd love to meet him. 339 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,106 A subject for all those experiments... 340 00:17:53,190 --> 00:17:54,983 they want to do on you... 341 00:17:55,025 --> 00:17:58,737 for the rest of your four-year stretch. 342 00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:00,990 And with you out of my way... 343 00:18:01,032 --> 00:18:02,492 I can take my vacation in peace. 344 00:18:09,875 --> 00:18:13,879 Lopez is screaming his head off in solitary. 345 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,381 Don't go away. 346 00:18:15,422 --> 00:18:17,424 I'm not quite finished with you. 347 00:18:58,302 --> 00:18:59,971 May I speak to Dr. Baird, please? 348 00:19:00,054 --> 00:19:01,430 This is Dr. Baird. 349 00:19:01,514 --> 00:19:04,225 I hope you don't mind. I'm using my speaker phone. 350 00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,685 Not at all. This is Harvey Michaels. 351 00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:07,354 I'm the attorney for the Greater Los Angeles... 352 00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:08,980 Neuro-Psychiatric Society. 353 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,817 I'm calling on behalf of Dr. George Maitlin. 354 00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,026 Never heard of him. 355 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,237 Didn't you do your doctoral thesis... 356 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,282 on Maitlin's theory of psychocerebral equilibrium? 357 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:22,954 Oh, that Maitlin. How is the old fraud? 358 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,873 Dr. Maitlin had to leave suddenly for Europe... 359 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,207 and he asked me to find a replacement for him... 360 00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:27,417 while he was away. 361 00:19:27,459 --> 00:19:30,087 What kind of money are we talking about here? 362 00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,256 Let's just say that Dr. Maitlin... 363 00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,133 has about the most successful practice... 364 00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,342 in Southern California. 365 00:19:35,426 --> 00:19:36,761 I don't like that word "about"... 366 00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:38,596 especially when we're talking about money. 367 00:19:38,679 --> 00:19:40,598 Could you volunteer a few numbers? 368 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,852 I'd say Dr. Maitlin makes in the vicinity of-- 369 00:19:43,935 --> 00:19:46,771 give or take a few dollars-- a million a year. 370 00:19:46,855 --> 00:19:49,691 Are you there, doctor? 371 00:19:49,775 --> 00:19:52,611 I'm here, Harvey, but I'm coming there. 372 00:19:52,694 --> 00:19:56,157 Great! When can you start? - ls tomorrow too late? 373 00:19:56,198 --> 00:19:58,034 I need to get released from a few things. 374 00:19:58,117 --> 00:19:59,577 He'll be here tomorrow. 375 00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:02,330 Shouldn't we tell him about the radio show? 376 00:20:02,413 --> 00:20:04,290 I don't want to scare him off. He's perfect. 377 00:20:04,332 --> 00:20:07,127 Greedy and dumb-- my favorite combination. 378 00:20:07,169 --> 00:20:08,879 Are you there? 379 00:20:08,962 --> 00:20:10,797 We're all set. We're all set, Doctor. 380 00:20:10,839 --> 00:20:12,216 I'm going to leave a ticket for you... 381 00:20:12,299 --> 00:20:14,134 at Continental-- first class, of course. 382 00:20:14,218 --> 00:20:15,511 Only way to go! 383 00:20:15,594 --> 00:20:17,972 It'll be a great pleasure to meet you. 384 00:20:18,014 --> 00:20:19,307 Just call me Larry. 385 00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:21,976 He wants us to call him Larry. 386 00:20:22,018 --> 00:20:23,812 What was that all about? 387 00:20:23,895 --> 00:20:27,107 My future. Here, get me out of this. 388 00:20:27,190 --> 00:20:29,109 You must be joking. - Just for five minutes. 389 00:20:29,192 --> 00:20:30,652 But Baird could be back any second. 390 00:20:30,694 --> 00:20:31,862 That's why we have to hurry. 391 00:20:31,945 --> 00:20:36,367 Gentlemen, aren't you supposed to be at your station? 392 00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,828 Lunch. - Official break. 393 00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:40,204 That's a new one. 394 00:20:48,422 --> 00:20:50,841 You're stealing my ambulance pager. 395 00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:53,928 I'm not. I'm redesigning it. May I have a hairpin, please? 396 00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:58,266 You're such a crook. 397 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,395 Hurry, please! 398 00:21:04,189 --> 00:21:07,859 You didn't know I was this good with my hands. 399 00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:09,278 Yes, I did. 400 00:21:10,404 --> 00:21:11,572 Hurry! 401 00:21:17,578 --> 00:21:19,372 Dr. Baird's office. 402 00:21:19,414 --> 00:21:22,208 I love you, baby. 403 00:21:26,463 --> 00:21:28,131 Are you planning to escape? 404 00:21:28,215 --> 00:21:30,634 Let's call it unauthorized egress. 405 00:21:30,718 --> 00:21:32,303 That's where your pager comes in. 406 00:21:32,386 --> 00:21:34,847 And my hairpin. - Get that so he can't see it. 407 00:21:37,183 --> 00:21:39,018 Even if you made it out of the building... 408 00:21:39,102 --> 00:21:41,146 how do you expect to get past the guard gate? 409 00:21:41,229 --> 00:21:45,525 Well, Robin, that's where you come in. 410 00:21:45,609 --> 00:21:47,736 I was hoping that you could park your car... 411 00:21:47,778 --> 00:21:50,280 out front with the keys above the sun visor? 412 00:21:50,364 --> 00:21:53,617 You're crazy. - Not according to Dr. Baird. 413 00:22:02,127 --> 00:22:05,255 Any calls? - It's been very quiet. 414 00:22:09,259 --> 00:22:12,847 Thanks to you and your little tap dance... 415 00:22:12,930 --> 00:22:15,975 Lopez is now doing his carrot impression. 416 00:22:19,521 --> 00:22:21,606 You'll be out of here tomorrow. 417 00:22:21,690 --> 00:22:23,441 I sure hope so. 418 00:22:31,575 --> 00:22:33,369 It's all set. 419 00:22:35,163 --> 00:22:36,497 You're excused. 420 00:23:02,651 --> 00:23:04,361 Jack, this is Dr. Baird. 421 00:23:04,444 --> 00:23:06,530 Would you and Phil please come to my office? 422 00:23:06,613 --> 00:23:07,823 Yes, sir. Right away. 423 00:23:07,906 --> 00:23:09,491 I've been much too harsh on you... 424 00:23:09,575 --> 00:23:10,701 for these minor infractions. 425 00:23:10,785 --> 00:23:13,496 Come down to my office immediately. 426 00:23:13,579 --> 00:23:16,040 Baird's off his rocker. 427 00:23:20,128 --> 00:23:23,924 - Security. Chuck, Jack Watkins here. 428 00:23:24,007 --> 00:23:25,801 What the hell's going on down there? 429 00:23:25,884 --> 00:23:27,594 Baird's up with the goddamn catatonics... 430 00:23:27,678 --> 00:23:29,638 and the alarm bells are going off. 431 00:23:29,722 --> 00:23:31,223 - I don't get any signal down here. 432 00:23:31,265 --> 00:23:34,268 - They're all turned off. No, they ain't. 433 00:23:34,352 --> 00:23:35,770 They're ringing. I can hear 'em. 434 00:23:35,853 --> 00:23:37,856 And Baird's having a hot-dipped shit fit. 435 00:23:37,939 --> 00:23:41,193 - Nobody's flashing. Don't tell me goddamn nothing. 436 00:23:41,234 --> 00:23:43,487 Them alarm bells are ringing. Now get to that main terminal... 437 00:23:43,570 --> 00:23:45,948 and turn off the main switch right now. 438 00:24:08,806 --> 00:24:10,391 He ain't there. 439 00:24:10,433 --> 00:24:12,268 He gets weirder all the time. 440 00:25:06,952 --> 00:25:08,204 Good evening. 441 00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:10,039 I believe you have a prepaid ticket for Baird. 442 00:25:11,165 --> 00:25:13,167 B-a-i-r-d? Right? 443 00:25:15,754 --> 00:25:20,550 Dr. Baird? - Yeah. Doctor. That's me. 444 00:25:20,634 --> 00:25:22,719 I'm that doctor. That's my ticket. 445 00:25:22,803 --> 00:25:24,471 All set, Dr. Baird. 446 00:25:24,555 --> 00:25:26,682 Your flight will be boarding at gate seven. 447 00:25:26,765 --> 00:25:29,268 Just what the doctor ordered-- this doctor. 448 00:25:34,065 --> 00:25:36,526 Sir? - No handcuffs. 449 00:25:36,609 --> 00:25:37,819 Can I have your name, please? 450 00:25:37,903 --> 00:25:41,531 Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird. 451 00:25:41,615 --> 00:25:43,659 Dr. Lawrence Baird. 452 00:25:43,701 --> 00:25:45,327 Can I offer you anything, Dr. Baird? 453 00:25:45,369 --> 00:25:48,080 A bag of macadamia nuts, all your available cheeses... 454 00:25:48,164 --> 00:25:49,999 a dozen raspberries with creme fraiche... 455 00:25:50,082 --> 00:25:51,542 and a double shot of Black Bush. 456 00:25:51,626 --> 00:25:53,670 On top of the raspberries? - No, I'll take it neat. 457 00:25:53,753 --> 00:25:55,380 Neat? - No ice. 458 00:25:55,463 --> 00:25:59,551 Then the filet mignon--rare-- and the duck and the fish. 459 00:25:59,634 --> 00:26:01,595 Blanket, pillow, eye shades, a pair of... 460 00:26:05,975 --> 00:26:08,728 So, the guy turns to the lady, and he says... 461 00:26:08,811 --> 00:26:10,521 "Lady, you look like a very nice woman. 462 00:26:10,605 --> 00:26:12,899 "Where are you from?" She says, "I'm from Queens." 463 00:26:12,982 --> 00:26:15,485 He says, "Queens? I'm from natural parents myself." 464 00:26:15,568 --> 00:26:18,238 Speaking of queens, you are two genuine queens. 465 00:26:18,321 --> 00:26:19,656 And so are you--just kidding. 466 00:26:19,740 --> 00:26:21,450 Captain, thanks for letting me sit in your lap. 467 00:26:21,533 --> 00:26:23,494 I felt like an 8-year-old kid. Really. All right. 468 00:26:24,912 --> 00:26:27,415 Hey! I'm Baird. 469 00:26:27,498 --> 00:26:29,959 I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going? 470 00:26:30,042 --> 00:26:32,921 Hey, you! With the sign! 471 00:26:33,004 --> 00:26:35,090 Luscious one! I'm the man... 472 00:26:35,173 --> 00:26:36,883 you've been waiting for your whole life. 473 00:26:36,967 --> 00:26:38,927 Aren't you supposed to pick up Dr. Lawrence Baird? 474 00:26:39,011 --> 00:26:41,513 Yes. -That's me, Dr. Baird. 475 00:26:41,597 --> 00:26:45,100 I just saw my name on your sign. 476 00:26:45,184 --> 00:26:47,061 Should I give you my fingerprint chart? 477 00:26:47,103 --> 00:26:49,355 Do I have to call security? 478 00:26:49,439 --> 00:26:50,857 I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 479 00:26:50,940 --> 00:26:52,692 I was contacted by Harvey Michaels. 480 00:26:52,775 --> 00:26:55,737 I'm supposed to be filling in for Dr. George Maitlin. 481 00:26:59,950 --> 00:27:02,244 You're not what I was expecting. 482 00:27:02,328 --> 00:27:07,166 I'm just dressed a little hipper than you thought, huh? 483 00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:08,835 What, this look hasn't hit L.A.? 484 00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:12,505 It's the newest trend-- inner city funk. 485 00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:16,343 I'm Maitlin's associate, Dr. Rollins. 486 00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:18,804 Did the plane crash? Am I in heaven? 487 00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:21,598 I must be dreaming. Pinch me. Or better yet, I'll pinch you. 488 00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:22,808 The car's outside... 489 00:27:22,892 --> 00:27:24,101 so if you'll give me your claim checks... 490 00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:25,811 I'll have your bags picked up. 491 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:28,439 No bags. Mugged in Chicago. 492 00:27:28,523 --> 00:27:29,941 Really? 493 00:27:30,024 --> 00:27:31,776 Right in long-term parking at the airport. 494 00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:33,778 Three guys this big. One had his arm around my neck. 495 00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:35,113 The other went through my pockets. 496 00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:37,449 And what did the third do? - He encouraged them. 497 00:27:38,617 --> 00:27:41,036 Trees suffer, too... 498 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:44,540 palm, elm, oleander, eucalyptus. 499 00:27:44,623 --> 00:27:48,044 You ladies care to save the eucalypti? 500 00:27:48,127 --> 00:27:50,547 Listen to the high-frequency sounds... 501 00:27:50,630 --> 00:27:53,258 they make when they're being cut! 502 00:27:53,341 --> 00:27:56,553 I'd like you to meet Oscar Hendricks. 503 00:27:56,636 --> 00:28:00,516 He's the station manager and producer of your radio show. 504 00:28:00,599 --> 00:28:01,809 Radio show? 505 00:28:01,850 --> 00:28:04,353 Welcome to L.A., Doctor. Where's your luggage? 506 00:28:04,437 --> 00:28:05,855 Dr. Baird has no luggage. 507 00:28:05,938 --> 00:28:08,524 We can go straight to the Bel Air. 508 00:28:08,608 --> 00:28:09,817 Excuse us. - Doctor? 509 00:28:09,859 --> 00:28:13,697 Sir? You hear that noise? 510 00:28:13,780 --> 00:28:15,907 Those are ultrahigh frequency sounds... 511 00:28:15,991 --> 00:28:17,409 made by ivy weeping... 512 00:28:17,492 --> 00:28:21,997 during a cross-pollination experimentation at U.C. Davis. 513 00:28:22,081 --> 00:28:24,166 Who speaks for horticulture? 514 00:28:24,250 --> 00:28:27,128 - Doctor, you certainly-- Look, ease up on me, pal. 515 00:28:27,211 --> 00:28:29,172 I'm just beginning to enjoy my jet lag. 516 00:28:29,214 --> 00:28:30,965 I know you're busy. 517 00:28:31,049 --> 00:28:33,718 Only God can make a tree, but only you can spare one. 518 00:28:33,802 --> 00:28:35,220 My friend, I think at this juncture... 519 00:28:35,262 --> 00:28:36,680 I should explain something to you. 520 00:28:36,722 --> 00:28:39,350 I was born in a lovely little Midwestern town-- 521 00:28:39,391 --> 00:28:41,352 Webster City, lowa. Maybe you know it. 522 00:28:41,393 --> 00:28:44,230 Lived on a quiet street, beautiful little white house. 523 00:28:44,313 --> 00:28:45,690 Outside my bedroom window... 524 00:28:45,731 --> 00:28:48,276 there was a spectacular, huge, giant elm tree. 525 00:28:48,359 --> 00:28:50,153 One night, there was a fierce hailstorm. 526 00:28:50,236 --> 00:28:52,030 That tree was hit by lightning and fell. 527 00:28:52,072 --> 00:28:56,577 Took out half the house and killed my puppy Dwayne. 528 00:28:56,660 --> 00:29:00,873 Ever since then, no plant has been a friend of mine. 529 00:29:00,915 --> 00:29:03,376 Wait a second, Doctor. Wait a second. 530 00:29:03,417 --> 00:29:06,504 Those pants look familiar. That stripe down there-- 531 00:29:06,587 --> 00:29:07,880 Of course they look familiar to you... 532 00:29:07,922 --> 00:29:10,050 if you've got a subscription to "Gentlemen's Quarterly." 533 00:29:10,133 --> 00:29:12,761 And incidentally, they grind up twenty-five maples... 534 00:29:12,844 --> 00:29:14,096 for the September issue. 535 00:29:14,179 --> 00:29:15,889 Did you hear that, everybody? 536 00:29:15,931 --> 00:29:19,226 A doctor who won't help his little green friends. 537 00:29:19,310 --> 00:29:22,396 Don't you know that no man is so tall... 538 00:29:22,438 --> 00:29:23,981 as when he stoops to pet a plant? 539 00:29:24,065 --> 00:29:27,819 I'm sorry. You'll have to keep moving. 540 00:29:27,902 --> 00:29:30,405 I'm sorry. - This is police brutality! 541 00:29:30,488 --> 00:29:33,617 How does it feel to be uprooted? 542 00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:35,827 Put me down! 543 00:29:35,911 --> 00:29:37,663 Let go of me, will you? 544 00:29:37,746 --> 00:29:40,583 How long have you been a policeman? Help! 545 00:29:40,624 --> 00:29:42,084 Help! Police brutality! 546 00:29:42,126 --> 00:29:43,336 Is this really necessary? 547 00:29:43,419 --> 00:29:47,757 All of a sudden, the rich Beverly Hills doctor cares. 548 00:29:47,841 --> 00:29:48,967 Isn't that touching? 549 00:29:49,050 --> 00:29:50,468 Do you want to press charges? 550 00:29:50,552 --> 00:29:53,555 You bet I do. This man's a menace to society. 551 00:29:53,638 --> 00:29:55,098 All right. Come on. 552 00:29:55,140 --> 00:29:56,767 What did you think about his display... 553 00:29:56,809 --> 00:30:00,104 of negative delusionary fixations about plant life? 554 00:30:00,187 --> 00:30:02,523 I believe in the secret life of plants. 555 00:30:02,607 --> 00:30:04,984 In fact, I consulted on that book. 556 00:30:05,068 --> 00:30:07,278 So where are they gonna take him, anyway? 557 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,532 If he's lucky, L.A. County Psychiatric. 558 00:30:10,615 --> 00:30:12,617 He's not crazy. 559 00:30:12,701 --> 00:30:15,537 That's a pretty speedy diagnosis, Doctor. 560 00:30:15,621 --> 00:30:17,873 Antisocial behavior just happens to be... 561 00:30:17,957 --> 00:30:19,375 my professional specialty. 562 00:30:19,458 --> 00:30:23,963 You have lunch with Michaels at the hotel at 12:00. 563 00:30:24,046 --> 00:30:26,633 That's good, because there's nothing in here. 564 00:30:26,674 --> 00:30:28,510 Well, I didn't expect you wanted anything... 565 00:30:28,593 --> 00:30:30,220 at nine o'clock in the morning. 566 00:30:30,303 --> 00:30:32,514 You forgot. It's later back east. 567 00:30:35,934 --> 00:30:37,353 Well, after lunch-- 568 00:30:37,436 --> 00:30:38,562 What's the number at the hotel? 569 00:30:38,646 --> 00:30:41,148 What? - What's the number of the hotel? 570 00:30:41,232 --> 00:30:42,900 472-1 21 1! 571 00:30:42,984 --> 00:30:46,196 Turned out to be just your old gym socks. 572 00:30:46,279 --> 00:30:48,907 Then at 3:30, you'll be at the radio station! 573 00:30:48,990 --> 00:30:51,827 Is it like a panel show-- me with a bunch other doctors? 574 00:30:51,910 --> 00:30:53,453 It's a call-in show... 575 00:30:53,537 --> 00:30:54,746 Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. 576 00:30:54,830 --> 00:30:56,248 ...vending-machine photo of you and Sally... 577 00:30:56,332 --> 00:31:00,544 and a partially used box of Mentor condoms. 578 00:31:00,628 --> 00:31:02,088 My favorite brand. 579 00:31:02,171 --> 00:31:04,132 It made me proud to think that my son... 580 00:31:04,215 --> 00:31:06,593 is one of those people who can have his cake... 581 00:31:06,676 --> 00:31:09,846 and eat it, too. Son, I'm proud of you. 582 00:31:09,930 --> 00:31:13,350 And I'm proud of your choice of condoms. 583 00:31:13,392 --> 00:31:14,518 Love, Dad. 584 00:31:14,601 --> 00:31:16,353 This is Dr. Baird. 585 00:31:16,437 --> 00:31:18,105 I'll be checking in shortly, and I wondered... 586 00:31:18,189 --> 00:31:21,025 if could you send some things to my room? 587 00:31:21,108 --> 00:31:25,238 Well, how about a case of Millers, ice cold... 588 00:31:25,321 --> 00:31:28,617 and a pound of Beluga caviar. 589 00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:32,371 Do you think one pound of caviar will be enough, Doctor? 590 00:31:32,412 --> 00:31:34,832 Maybe you're right. Make that two pounds of caviar... 591 00:31:34,915 --> 00:31:36,542 and throw in some cheese puffs. 592 00:31:42,507 --> 00:31:44,259 - What are those big white things? 593 00:31:44,342 --> 00:31:47,095 They're swans. They belong to the hotel. 594 00:31:47,178 --> 00:31:48,597 - Are they dangerous? Hardly. 595 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,226 - That's right, and a pair of shoes, size ten. 596 00:31:52,309 --> 00:31:55,271 10 1/2 "D" wide. - 10 1/2 "D" wide. 597 00:31:55,312 --> 00:31:57,606 Boots. - Make that boots. 598 00:31:57,690 --> 00:31:59,817 With corn pads. - With corn pads. 599 00:31:59,901 --> 00:32:04,531 And arch supports. - And arch supports. Thank you. 600 00:32:04,614 --> 00:32:06,700 You know how I like my shirts? 601 00:32:06,783 --> 00:32:08,493 Shirts should match the suits. 602 00:32:08,577 --> 00:32:10,245 You mean a la page. 603 00:32:14,959 --> 00:32:16,252 Exactly. 604 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:22,091 Excuse me. 605 00:32:22,175 --> 00:32:24,969 Here you go. Thank you. 606 00:32:25,053 --> 00:32:26,596 Why, thank you, sir. 607 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,724 Would you like some caviar? We've got plenty. 608 00:32:28,807 --> 00:32:30,976 No, thank you. - All right. 609 00:32:31,059 --> 00:32:33,270 I thought they took your wallet. 610 00:32:35,564 --> 00:32:37,608 They did, but when you live in Chicago... 611 00:32:37,692 --> 00:32:39,443 you always keep a couple of extra bucks... 612 00:32:39,527 --> 00:32:40,778 in your hollowed-out heel. 613 00:32:40,862 --> 00:32:43,615 Well, your clothes will be delivered before lunch. 614 00:32:43,656 --> 00:32:45,325 Thank you, Doctor. 615 00:32:45,408 --> 00:32:47,118 No trouble, Doctor. 616 00:33:13,606 --> 00:33:14,899 Thank you. 617 00:33:21,072 --> 00:33:22,740 - Lawrence. Harvey. 618 00:33:22,824 --> 00:33:24,409 My assistant Perry Kovin. 619 00:33:24,492 --> 00:33:25,869 How do you do? - Dr. Baird. 620 00:33:25,952 --> 00:33:27,788 And here's to a successful practice, Lawrence. 621 00:33:27,871 --> 00:33:29,998 May I call you Larry? - Sure. 622 00:33:35,212 --> 00:33:38,883 By the way, Harvey, how long does this job last? 623 00:33:38,966 --> 00:33:40,927 At least six months. 624 00:33:41,010 --> 00:33:44,848 Six months. That is a fair chunk of my time. 625 00:33:44,931 --> 00:33:46,600 It could be a little less. 626 00:33:46,683 --> 00:33:48,018 Six months will cost you half a mil. 627 00:33:48,101 --> 00:33:49,645 I'd like 200 thou up-front. 628 00:33:51,230 --> 00:33:53,232 That's steep. 629 00:33:53,315 --> 00:33:55,276 I'll tell you what. You go and find... 630 00:33:55,359 --> 00:33:57,069 a psychiatrist with my qualifications... 631 00:33:57,153 --> 00:33:59,072 who's willing to give up his practice and come here... 632 00:33:59,155 --> 00:34:01,407 with no guarantees and no cash up-front. 633 00:34:01,491 --> 00:34:02,617 I'm sure he's out there... 634 00:34:02,701 --> 00:34:04,286 but he probably doesn't speak English. 635 00:34:04,369 --> 00:34:07,664 Your practice, Larry, consists of a couple of wards... 636 00:34:07,748 --> 00:34:09,541 of indigent psychotics and jailbirds. 637 00:34:09,583 --> 00:34:11,085 You don't have a private practice. 638 00:34:11,126 --> 00:34:12,253 You work for the county... 639 00:34:12,336 --> 00:34:14,130 and drive a Volare without a radio. 640 00:34:14,213 --> 00:34:19,135 The best year you ever had, you made, what, 30,000? 641 00:34:19,218 --> 00:34:22,055 We're thinking of offering you in the neighborhood of... 642 00:34:24,558 --> 00:34:26,017 50,000. 643 00:34:26,101 --> 00:34:28,604 I'm anxious to move out of that neighborhood. 644 00:34:28,687 --> 00:34:30,397 And frankly, if you could have gotten somebody else... 645 00:34:30,481 --> 00:34:33,109 you would have grabbed them. But I'm the one you wanted. 646 00:34:33,192 --> 00:34:36,904 And now you don't want me, so, fine. I'm histoire. 647 00:34:36,946 --> 00:34:39,073 I think we all want to make this work. 648 00:34:39,115 --> 00:34:41,076 I'll just have to call Dr. Maitlin. 649 00:34:41,117 --> 00:34:43,078 After all, it's his money. 650 00:34:45,664 --> 00:34:47,416 You talk to him. 651 00:34:48,459 --> 00:34:50,586 No lunch? 652 00:34:50,669 --> 00:34:53,923 I have a broadcast to do... maybe. 653 00:34:54,006 --> 00:34:56,092 And you have an important phone call to make. 654 00:34:56,175 --> 00:34:58,136 So, ciao, now. 655 00:35:07,479 --> 00:35:08,678 Vera... 656 00:35:11,650 --> 00:35:14,570 I have something to confess to you. 657 00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:16,572 I've done something wrong. 658 00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:19,075 I can't keep it inside anymore. 659 00:35:19,159 --> 00:35:22,037 Did you eat all of the cucumber sandwiches? 660 00:35:25,207 --> 00:35:26,312 No, Vera. 661 00:35:28,210 --> 00:35:32,089 The reason I may or may not have had a nervous breakdown... 662 00:35:32,173 --> 00:35:35,593 and may have subconsciously tried to kill myself-- 663 00:35:35,676 --> 00:35:38,596 not that I'm saying I did-- 664 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:42,100 is because of the incredible guilt that I felt... 665 00:35:42,184 --> 00:35:48,065 for the absolutely despicable act that I have committed. 666 00:35:48,148 --> 00:35:49,859 What is it? 667 00:35:49,942 --> 00:35:52,903 I had sex with one of my patients. 668 00:35:52,987 --> 00:35:54,572 Excuse me? 669 00:35:57,909 --> 00:36:01,830 I--I had sex with a patient. 670 00:36:01,872 --> 00:36:03,832 I'm sorry? 671 00:36:05,417 --> 00:36:08,045 I had sex with a patient! 672 00:36:08,128 --> 00:36:10,506 You had sex with one of your patients? 673 00:36:27,212 --> 00:36:28,525 - Dr. Maitlin ? 674 00:36:28,776 --> 00:36:30,611 Phone call for you, sir. 675 00:36:36,805 --> 00:36:38,953 Hello. - Hi, George, it's Harvey. 676 00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:41,373 What do you want? - We have to talk. 677 00:36:41,456 --> 00:36:44,418 This isn't a good time. What is it? 678 00:36:45,502 --> 00:36:47,212 What's a Baird? 679 00:36:47,254 --> 00:36:48,839 Lawrence Baird, the guy from Chicago... 680 00:36:48,923 --> 00:36:51,133 who's taking over for you. He's being tough. 681 00:36:51,217 --> 00:36:52,426 He wants 200,000 up-front. 682 00:36:52,510 --> 00:36:55,388 I will not be held up for $200,000 up-front. 683 00:36:55,430 --> 00:36:58,767 George, darling, put on your thinking cap. 684 00:36:58,850 --> 00:37:00,602 You want me to shut down your practice? 685 00:37:00,685 --> 00:37:03,188 You want your radio patients tuning to another station? 686 00:37:03,272 --> 00:37:05,566 Now, come on, buddy. Be smart. 687 00:37:05,649 --> 00:37:07,735 Get a receipt. 688 00:37:07,860 --> 00:37:11,822 These are the sales offices. Hi, Charlie. 689 00:37:11,864 --> 00:37:13,074 I'm back. 690 00:37:13,116 --> 00:37:14,701 Say, what is this guy Maitlin, anyway-- 691 00:37:14,784 --> 00:37:16,411 some kind of a road-company Dr. Ruth? 692 00:37:16,453 --> 00:37:17,579 You'll see. 693 00:37:17,662 --> 00:37:20,665 Welcome. Nice to see you again. 694 00:37:20,749 --> 00:37:23,919 Now, had a nice lunch? - Yeah, sure. 695 00:37:24,002 --> 00:37:25,963 Let me fill you in with the details. 696 00:37:26,046 --> 00:37:27,798 The program runs two hours... 697 00:37:27,882 --> 00:37:29,675 and there are twelve commercial breaks. 698 00:37:29,759 --> 00:37:31,010 Now, if you'll sit down over here-- 699 00:37:31,093 --> 00:37:33,304 Oscar, just a sec. Excuse me for a second. 700 00:37:34,430 --> 00:37:36,433 Gentlemen, where's my money? 701 00:37:36,516 --> 00:37:37,892 It's being transferred from Switzerland. 702 00:37:37,976 --> 00:37:39,686 It's just gonna take a couple of days. 703 00:37:39,769 --> 00:37:41,480 Forty-eight hours, then? - Great. 704 00:37:41,563 --> 00:37:43,774 Well, I'm going to need some walking-around money. 705 00:37:43,816 --> 00:37:46,068 We heard about the mugging. OK, so I'll send... 706 00:37:46,151 --> 00:37:47,611 what, a couple hundred to the hotel ? 707 00:37:47,695 --> 00:37:51,657 I was thinking more like a couple of thousand. 708 00:37:51,699 --> 00:37:53,493 Just to walk around? 709 00:37:53,576 --> 00:37:56,579 Gentlemen, when I feel a lack of support... 710 00:37:56,663 --> 00:38:00,459 something very, very strange happens to my larynx! 711 00:38:00,500 --> 00:38:02,127 And if that happens, I will not be able to help... 712 00:38:02,169 --> 00:38:04,171 all those troubled people out there in radioland. 713 00:38:04,213 --> 00:38:07,466 So we'd better arrange-- thank--thank you. 714 00:38:07,550 --> 00:38:09,343 Thank you. Thank you very much. 715 00:38:09,427 --> 00:38:10,887 And now from the Palm Garden room... 716 00:38:10,970 --> 00:38:12,847 high atop the Knickerbocker Hotel... 717 00:38:12,930 --> 00:38:15,892 it's the sound of the Jack Hilton Orchestra. 718 00:38:15,975 --> 00:38:19,354 The love boat, a good train, a bad dog, a beautiful girl. 719 00:38:19,438 --> 00:38:21,023 Tonight on "MacGyver." 720 00:38:21,106 --> 00:38:22,858 Now, what does all this stuff do? 721 00:38:22,941 --> 00:38:25,653 Now, the most important thing is the dump button. 722 00:38:25,736 --> 00:38:27,530 You're on a seven-second delay. 723 00:38:27,613 --> 00:38:29,198 Anyone gets too vulgar or intimate... 724 00:38:29,282 --> 00:38:31,325 you press the button, and it cuts them off the air. 725 00:38:31,409 --> 00:38:32,535 These are neat. 726 00:38:32,619 --> 00:38:34,537 They're just special-effects buttons. 727 00:38:34,621 --> 00:38:36,873 Now, you've got three commercials to read... 728 00:38:36,957 --> 00:38:39,710 and they're numbered here, and they're laid out for you. 729 00:38:39,793 --> 00:38:41,712 When she goes like this... 730 00:38:41,795 --> 00:38:43,797 that means the commercial break... 731 00:38:43,881 --> 00:38:45,716 and that's when you read the commercials. 732 00:38:45,799 --> 00:38:47,718 And please, put this in your ear. 733 00:38:47,802 --> 00:38:50,513 I know you're gonna be brilliant. I'm so excited! 734 00:38:50,596 --> 00:38:52,724 I wouldn't put it anywhere else. 735 00:38:54,142 --> 00:38:56,144 You're beautiful, Hendricks. Don't ever change, babe. 736 00:38:56,227 --> 00:38:58,605 Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"-- 737 00:38:58,688 --> 00:39:00,357 the program that invites you... 738 00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:02,359 the radio audience, to phone in... 739 00:39:02,443 --> 00:39:05,029 and discuss your problems with qualified psychiatrists. 740 00:39:05,070 --> 00:39:08,074 Today, substituting for Dr. George Maitlin... 741 00:39:08,115 --> 00:39:10,535 Dr. Lawrence Baird. 742 00:39:14,414 --> 00:39:16,291 Hi, everybody. 743 00:39:16,374 --> 00:39:19,252 Hi. This is Dr. Baird, and you're on the air. 744 00:39:19,336 --> 00:39:23,465 We've got our first call today from Palos Verdes-- 745 00:39:23,549 --> 00:39:25,926 Scott. Hello, Scott. You're on the air. 746 00:39:31,349 --> 00:39:33,476 I guess Scott's not quite ready... 747 00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:35,729 to deal with his problem yet, so we're gonna give him... 748 00:39:35,812 --> 00:39:38,231 a couple of minutes and he'll collect his thoughts. 749 00:39:38,273 --> 00:39:41,318 Going on to our next call now from West Covina-- 750 00:39:41,402 --> 00:39:43,362 Ida. Hello, lda. You're on the air. 751 00:39:43,445 --> 00:39:45,531 - Hello? 752 00:39:45,614 --> 00:39:47,617 Hi there, lda. What's your problem? 753 00:39:47,700 --> 00:39:51,204 - Well, it's not really a problem, Dr. Baird. 754 00:39:51,287 --> 00:39:53,248 Then why are you calling? 755 00:39:53,289 --> 00:39:56,084 - Recently, I met an old school friend. 756 00:39:56,168 --> 00:39:59,379 Let me ask you something. How old are you? 757 00:39:59,463 --> 00:40:03,592 - Fifty-nine. Anyway, I ran into this man-- 758 00:40:03,676 --> 00:40:05,970 - Just a minute. 759 00:40:06,053 --> 00:40:08,681 - Sweetie, I can't talk now. I'm on the phone. 760 00:40:08,765 --> 00:40:11,851 What was that there? Who were you just talking to? 761 00:40:11,935 --> 00:40:13,395 - My daughter. OK, got it. 762 00:40:13,478 --> 00:40:15,897 - I got the door closed. Good. 763 00:40:15,981 --> 00:40:20,402 - And when we met, he was very happy to see me. 764 00:40:20,486 --> 00:40:23,614 - I mean, we hadn't seen each other in forty years. 765 00:40:23,697 --> 00:40:27,952 - And he told me he thought I was still beautiful... 766 00:40:27,994 --> 00:40:31,206 - and he wants to have lunch with me. 767 00:40:31,289 --> 00:40:32,749 That's great. Sounds like fun. 768 00:40:32,832 --> 00:40:35,669 - I said no, naturally, of course not. 769 00:40:35,752 --> 00:40:40,466 - But after thinking it over, I mean, it kind of excited me. 770 00:40:40,507 --> 00:40:44,303 You married, lda? - Very happily, and so is he. 771 00:40:44,345 --> 00:40:46,889 - It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird. 772 00:40:46,973 --> 00:40:50,185 - Nothing like that. It just makes me feel young... 773 00:40:50,268 --> 00:40:52,729 - and I guess a little romantic. 774 00:40:52,812 --> 00:40:54,856 Now, what really goes through your head... 775 00:40:54,940 --> 00:40:56,566 when you think about having lunch with this man? 776 00:40:56,650 --> 00:40:57,860 Just off the top? 777 00:40:57,943 --> 00:41:00,946 - A nice time-- maybe flowers on the table... 778 00:41:01,030 --> 00:41:02,323 - glasses of wine. 779 00:41:02,406 --> 00:41:05,034 Now, come on. What are you really thinking about? 780 00:41:05,117 --> 00:41:08,204 - I guess it's a lot of flattery, too. 781 00:41:08,288 --> 00:41:09,497 Come on. 782 00:41:09,539 --> 00:41:12,167 You're thinking penis and vagina here, right? 783 00:41:12,250 --> 00:41:13,460 - What? 784 00:41:13,543 --> 00:41:15,128 Maybe he throws you on the table, spills the wine... 785 00:41:15,212 --> 00:41:17,548 knocks over the flowers, and you do it right there? 786 00:41:17,631 --> 00:41:20,509 - lt would ruin my marriage. Right, but what do you care? 787 00:41:20,551 --> 00:41:22,178 Some hot sex in the afternoon. 788 00:41:22,219 --> 00:41:24,096 When was the last time you had it? It'd be worth it. 789 00:41:24,180 --> 00:41:25,556 - Absolutely not. I love my husband. 790 00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:28,601 - I want my marriage. I was just talking about lunch. 791 00:41:28,685 --> 00:41:31,021 Bullshit! You were not talking about lunch. 792 00:41:31,062 --> 00:41:32,898 You're talking about hot... 793 00:41:32,981 --> 00:41:34,941 sweaty bodies in a steaming, humping mass. 794 00:41:35,025 --> 00:41:36,944 - Well, l--you see, l-- 795 00:41:37,027 --> 00:41:39,613 Look, the point is, it's OK to fantasize. 796 00:41:39,697 --> 00:41:41,657 But you just have to be aware that sometimes... 797 00:41:41,740 --> 00:41:43,868 these hidden feelings can come up out of your psyche... 798 00:41:43,951 --> 00:41:45,953 and kick you in the ass when you least expect it, OK? 799 00:41:46,037 --> 00:41:49,207 - Yes, Doctor. Thank you. 800 00:41:49,249 --> 00:41:52,878 We're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird... 801 00:41:52,919 --> 00:41:55,047 and we're going to take a break for a commercial now. 802 00:41:55,130 --> 00:41:57,090 "A public service message from the National... 803 00:41:57,174 --> 00:42:00,177 "Hang Gliding Club President's Memorial Foundation. 804 00:42:00,261 --> 00:42:02,221 "Hang gliding is a fun sport... 805 00:42:02,263 --> 00:42:03,723 "but sometimes accidents happen. 806 00:42:03,764 --> 00:42:05,099 "lf you have a loved one... 807 00:42:05,183 --> 00:42:06,976 "whose wings may have folded up in mid-soar... 808 00:42:07,060 --> 00:42:08,478 "The National Hang Gliding Club President's... 809 00:42:08,561 --> 00:42:11,106 "Memorial Foundation can help with counseling... 810 00:42:11,189 --> 00:42:13,066 "and discounts on new replacement equipment. 811 00:42:13,150 --> 00:42:17,613 "Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F. at 1-800-BlG-FALL." 812 00:42:21,033 --> 00:42:23,119 Everything's going swimmingly. 813 00:42:23,202 --> 00:42:24,620 Good. I'm glad you're happy. 814 00:42:24,704 --> 00:42:26,623 Teensy tadpoles of concern-- 815 00:42:26,706 --> 00:42:29,876 you took an awfully long time with your first caller... 816 00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,630 and I think your advice is a bit too specific. 817 00:42:33,714 --> 00:42:35,757 The references to penises and vaginas... 818 00:42:35,841 --> 00:42:38,135 should be toned down just a smidge. 819 00:42:38,218 --> 00:42:40,137 So I should use alternative terms like... 820 00:42:40,221 --> 00:42:42,181 dick, wang, purple bulb, midget fireman's helmet... 821 00:42:42,265 --> 00:42:43,850 Iove sausage, and bearded clam? 822 00:42:43,933 --> 00:42:49,439 I mean, this is a conservative afternoon drive-time show... 823 00:42:49,522 --> 00:42:53,276 and we try to keep things on an even-keelish level. 824 00:42:53,318 --> 00:42:55,070 Now do you know what I mean? 825 00:42:55,154 --> 00:42:58,782 I guess so. I'm sorry. 826 00:43:01,494 --> 00:43:03,371 Go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird. 827 00:43:03,454 --> 00:43:06,207 The phone lines are jammed. 828 00:43:06,291 --> 00:43:10,212 Oh Dear. Start writing our apology to the F.C.C. 829 00:43:10,295 --> 00:43:13,465 - So I did it, and I hate myself for it. 830 00:43:13,507 --> 00:43:15,551 What is this jerk's name? 831 00:43:15,634 --> 00:43:17,177 - I don't want any trouble. 832 00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:18,429 Here's what you do. 833 00:43:18,512 --> 00:43:20,348 Next time that asshole comes on to you... 834 00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,642 you grab the son of a bitch by the balls... 835 00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:24,978 and give them a good yank. If that doesn't fix... 836 00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:27,689 his little red pig of a wagon, you call me... 837 00:43:27,772 --> 00:43:31,234 and I'll come down there and deal with that fuck. 838 00:43:31,318 --> 00:43:33,320 Next call, Caroline from Topanga. 839 00:43:33,403 --> 00:43:36,657 Did Baird just say "fuck"? - I think so. 840 00:43:36,699 --> 00:43:39,160 You can't say "fuck" on the radio. 841 00:43:39,201 --> 00:43:40,912 Apparently Baird can. 842 00:43:40,995 --> 00:43:43,373 He said "balls," "asshole"... 843 00:43:43,456 --> 00:43:45,083 "son of a bitch," and finally "fuck." 844 00:43:45,166 --> 00:43:47,919 We're OK on "balls." We're iffy on "son of a bitch." 845 00:43:48,003 --> 00:43:49,379 And even "asshole" is somewhat... 846 00:43:49,462 --> 00:43:51,339 anatomically potentially forgivable... 847 00:43:51,423 --> 00:43:54,092 But there's no getting around "fuck." 848 00:43:55,344 --> 00:43:56,762 How many negative calls? 849 00:43:56,845 --> 00:43:59,724 None of them. They all want to talk to Baird. 850 00:44:01,601 --> 00:44:03,937 Go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird. 851 00:44:04,020 --> 00:44:05,647 We have Yuri from Encino. Go ahead, Yuri. 852 00:44:05,730 --> 00:44:09,067 Doctor, I have a problem satisfying my partners. 853 00:44:09,151 --> 00:44:11,737 What business are you in? - I mean the other ones. 854 00:44:11,820 --> 00:44:13,280 You mean sexual partners. 855 00:44:13,363 --> 00:44:15,616 I mean, just the mention of the word "sex," and l-- 856 00:44:19,161 --> 00:44:21,914 It sounds to me, sitting here several miles away... 857 00:44:21,998 --> 00:44:24,125 that you have a case of premature ejaculation-- 858 00:44:24,209 --> 00:44:26,169 and a pretty severe one at that. The first thing I'd suggest... 859 00:44:26,252 --> 00:44:27,587 is not to feel too bad about it. 860 00:44:27,671 --> 00:44:29,756 It happens to all men at some point in their lives. 861 00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:31,925 - But mine's been going on twenty-five years. 862 00:44:32,009 --> 00:44:34,511 - I can't look at a woman. I can't even think about sex. 863 00:44:39,892 --> 00:44:41,644 - Doctor, it just happened again. 864 00:44:41,728 --> 00:44:44,647 Just calm down now and relax. 865 00:44:44,731 --> 00:44:47,692 Let's try something here. Think about something... 866 00:44:47,776 --> 00:44:49,945 that could not possibly arouse you. 867 00:44:50,028 --> 00:44:52,531 For instance... 868 00:44:52,614 --> 00:44:56,035 fixing the transmission in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic. 869 00:44:56,118 --> 00:44:57,453 That's what always works for me. 870 00:44:57,536 --> 00:45:00,414 I like to mentally put on my overalls... 871 00:45:00,456 --> 00:45:02,166 take my mechanic's palette... 872 00:45:02,250 --> 00:45:05,336 slide along the floor under the drive shaft... 873 00:45:05,420 --> 00:45:10,259 pass the universal joint, grab the joint on the way by... 874 00:45:10,300 --> 00:45:12,594 and wiggle it back and forth, check it for play. 875 00:45:12,678 --> 00:45:15,514 Then get to the bell housing and take out your ratchet... 876 00:45:15,598 --> 00:45:18,100 unscrew all the bolts... 877 00:45:18,184 --> 00:45:21,437 and separate the bell housing from the rest of the apparatus. 878 00:45:21,479 --> 00:45:23,773 And there you can feel for splines... 879 00:45:23,815 --> 00:45:26,568 and spread the planetary gears. 880 00:45:27,861 --> 00:45:30,614 You are getting sexually excited... 881 00:45:30,697 --> 00:45:33,951 as I sit here and talk about transmission repair. 882 00:45:34,034 --> 00:45:36,120 I think you'd better come down to my office. 883 00:45:36,203 --> 00:45:37,788 I couldn't afford it, Doctor. 884 00:45:37,872 --> 00:45:39,624 If you need to talk, just come on down... 885 00:45:39,707 --> 00:45:41,042 and we'll talk. There's no charge. 886 00:45:41,125 --> 00:45:42,585 Really? What's your address? 887 00:45:42,669 --> 00:45:44,963 I just got into town, and I'm working... 888 00:45:45,046 --> 00:45:46,590 out of the offices of Dr. George Maitlin... 889 00:45:46,673 --> 00:45:48,633 in Beverly Hills. Come down and see me. We'll talk. 890 00:45:48,675 --> 00:45:51,345 No charge whatsoever. Thank you. 891 00:45:51,428 --> 00:45:53,305 I've got everybody in my control booth here... 892 00:45:53,389 --> 00:45:56,350 signaling me like crazy for a commercial. 893 00:45:56,434 --> 00:45:58,311 They've got these funny... 894 00:45:58,394 --> 00:46:00,104 desperate looks on their faces... 895 00:46:00,188 --> 00:46:01,648 Iike it'd be the end of the world... 896 00:46:01,731 --> 00:46:04,275 if I don't stop for some silly announcement. 897 00:46:04,359 --> 00:46:06,153 But your problems are more important. 898 00:46:06,236 --> 00:46:08,030 And if you're like Yuri, you cannot afford therapy... 899 00:46:08,113 --> 00:46:10,073 come on down and see me at the offices... 900 00:46:10,157 --> 00:46:11,700 of George Maitlin in Beverly Hills. 901 00:46:11,784 --> 00:46:13,744 Otherwise, keep those calls coming... 902 00:46:13,828 --> 00:46:15,538 until they drag me off, pull the plug... 903 00:46:15,621 --> 00:46:17,123 or everybody in L.A. is cured! 904 00:46:17,248 --> 00:46:19,375 - How was l? You were fine. 905 00:46:19,459 --> 00:46:23,254 - I wasn't any better than fine? You were better than fine. 906 00:46:23,338 --> 00:46:25,590 By the way, here's a message... 907 00:46:25,674 --> 00:46:27,884 from someone who didn't want to talk on the air. 908 00:46:27,968 --> 00:46:29,928 He's a friend of yours from this morning... 909 00:46:30,012 --> 00:46:31,680 and he knows where you got your pants. 910 00:46:33,349 --> 00:46:36,811 See? I told you those pants would be all the rage someday. 911 00:46:40,982 --> 00:46:43,985 Donald Becker. He's your garden-variety misfit... 912 00:46:44,069 --> 00:46:46,113 in and out of here every couple of weeks. 913 00:46:46,196 --> 00:46:48,282 He doesn't fit in anywhere-- not in prison... 914 00:46:48,365 --> 00:46:49,950 not here, not on the streets. 915 00:46:50,033 --> 00:46:51,952 So, in other words, society rotates him. 916 00:46:52,036 --> 00:46:53,496 Dr. Smet, you ever look around this place... 917 00:46:53,579 --> 00:46:54,705 at these patients and think... 918 00:46:54,789 --> 00:46:56,833 there but for the grace of God, go l? 919 00:46:56,916 --> 00:46:59,460 We're supposed to study emotions, not have them. 920 00:46:59,544 --> 00:47:01,129 Spoken like a true healer. 921 00:47:01,212 --> 00:47:04,508 Can I have the Becker release forms, please? 922 00:47:04,591 --> 00:47:07,469 He's gonna be a little groggy. We had to sedate him. 923 00:47:07,552 --> 00:47:09,471 Is this the kind of place where if anything moves... 924 00:47:09,555 --> 00:47:11,724 you whack it with a thousand mikes of chlortianazine. 925 00:47:11,807 --> 00:47:13,058 My, didn't we get out... 926 00:47:13,100 --> 00:47:15,061 on the wrong side of the couch this morning? 927 00:47:15,102 --> 00:47:17,397 Here, sign all five copies. 928 00:47:17,480 --> 00:47:19,983 Dr. Baird has generously given... 929 00:47:20,066 --> 00:47:22,527 his personal guarantee for Donald Becker. 930 00:47:22,611 --> 00:47:24,196 He'll be released with his usual... 931 00:47:24,279 --> 00:47:26,448 seven-day maintenance prescription. 932 00:47:26,531 --> 00:47:29,034 It'll make it much easier to handle that way. 933 00:47:41,715 --> 00:47:43,258 Thanks. 934 00:47:43,341 --> 00:47:46,261 I got you into this. Now I'll get you out. 935 00:47:46,345 --> 00:47:50,140 Here's $50. Have a nice life. You don't have to thank me. 936 00:47:50,224 --> 00:47:53,102 Wait a minute. Where you going? 937 00:47:53,144 --> 00:47:54,854 Mr. Becker, out there is life's highway. 938 00:47:54,937 --> 00:47:57,440 The farthest journey begins with a single step... 939 00:47:57,523 --> 00:48:00,026 and I want you as far away from me as possible. 940 00:48:00,110 --> 00:48:02,279 Fifty bucks isn't gonna buy me off. 941 00:48:02,362 --> 00:48:05,407 What I know is worth a lot more than that. 942 00:48:05,490 --> 00:48:06,825 What do you know? 943 00:48:06,909 --> 00:48:08,994 Those pants you were wearing. 944 00:48:09,078 --> 00:48:11,831 Prison issue in Texas, Arkansas, and lllinois. 945 00:48:11,914 --> 00:48:14,125 I had a friend who was buried in them. 946 00:48:16,419 --> 00:48:18,254 I knew it, even though... 947 00:48:18,338 --> 00:48:19,798 the son of a bitch who sold them to me... 948 00:48:19,881 --> 00:48:21,675 swore they were one of a kind. 949 00:48:22,884 --> 00:48:24,428 I don't know. 950 00:48:24,511 --> 00:48:28,140 There's an air about you-- a certain look. 951 00:48:29,642 --> 00:48:32,186 You don't seem like a doctor to me. 952 00:48:32,269 --> 00:48:34,480 You look like a malcontent misfit... 953 00:48:34,522 --> 00:48:36,941 who skirted around society's edges... 954 00:48:37,025 --> 00:48:39,944 and never done shit. Takes one to know one. 955 00:48:40,028 --> 00:48:42,614 So either you share the wealth with me... 956 00:48:42,697 --> 00:48:45,200 or you share the cell with me. 957 00:48:49,663 --> 00:48:51,749 You know, I could get used to a place like this. 958 00:48:51,832 --> 00:48:55,586 Could really, really mellow out. 959 00:48:55,670 --> 00:48:57,088 Before you get too mellow... 960 00:48:57,171 --> 00:48:58,298 give me the rest of those drugs. 961 00:48:58,381 --> 00:48:59,674 What are you-- 962 00:48:59,716 --> 00:49:03,345 That's my--my pills, my maintenance dose. 963 00:49:04,972 --> 00:49:06,598 Hope they got cable. 964 00:49:06,682 --> 00:49:09,685 I won't be able to watch regular TV without drugs. 965 00:49:12,355 --> 00:49:15,024 - Yes, that's a one-way ticket to Mexico City. 966 00:49:15,108 --> 00:49:16,818 Let me ask you something. 967 00:49:16,901 --> 00:49:20,113 Is there anything more expensive than first class? 968 00:49:20,196 --> 00:49:22,115 Too bad. 969 00:49:22,199 --> 00:49:24,660 No, leave the departure open. 970 00:49:24,743 --> 00:49:26,912 A flight leaves every night at 10:00? 971 00:49:26,996 --> 00:49:30,082 I'll leave payment at the front desk. Ciao. 972 00:49:43,472 --> 00:49:45,057 What's all this stuff about? 973 00:49:45,140 --> 00:49:47,893 You ever heard of the Klephthes? 974 00:49:47,977 --> 00:49:50,730 What? - They were my ancestors. 975 00:49:50,813 --> 00:49:53,316 That hardy band of Greek patriots... 976 00:49:53,399 --> 00:49:56,361 who held the hills during the Turkish conquest. 977 00:49:56,444 --> 00:49:57,904 They were known as the Klephthes... 978 00:49:57,988 --> 00:49:59,239 hence, kleptomaniacs. 979 00:49:59,281 --> 00:50:02,242 Their revenge was taking everything in sight. 980 00:50:02,284 --> 00:50:04,745 You know, my ancestors were Toro Fecundians. 981 00:50:04,787 --> 00:50:07,957 They had the ability to smell bullshit a mile away. 982 00:50:17,884 --> 00:50:21,304 Why do I have to come with you? I could be so happy here. 983 00:50:21,388 --> 00:50:23,432 "A," because you're in my custody... 984 00:50:23,515 --> 00:50:25,768 "B," I don't trust you, and "C," the maids refuse... 985 00:50:25,809 --> 00:50:27,520 to clean the room with you in it. 986 00:50:32,275 --> 00:50:35,111 Are you sure that this is your office? 987 00:50:36,613 --> 00:50:39,699 - ls that him? What's going on here, Officer? 988 00:50:39,783 --> 00:50:43,203 Some shrink named Baird offered free therapy on the radio... 989 00:50:43,287 --> 00:50:44,747 and all these people showed up. 990 00:50:44,830 --> 00:50:47,666 This is a bad dream, and you're late for Mrs. Guber. 991 00:50:49,251 --> 00:50:50,962 I'm here because I'm desperately in love with you. 992 00:50:51,003 --> 00:50:53,464 I have been from the moment we met at the airport. 993 00:50:53,506 --> 00:50:55,675 I could tell I aroused an emotion in you. 994 00:50:55,759 --> 00:50:58,303 I knew it was only disgust, but I can build on that. 995 00:50:58,386 --> 00:50:59,846 - Becker. Will you marry me? 996 00:50:59,930 --> 00:51:02,933 Cease and desist. Give me five minutes. 997 00:51:03,100 --> 00:51:04,977 Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid... 998 00:51:05,019 --> 00:51:06,604 we're going to have to reschedule today. 999 00:51:06,687 --> 00:51:08,773 Reschedule? Doctor, please. 1000 00:51:08,856 --> 00:51:10,817 This can't wait. I need your help now! 1001 00:51:10,858 --> 00:51:13,027 I'm having a power struggle with my maid... 1002 00:51:13,111 --> 00:51:14,237 and she's winning. 1003 00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:18,033 Any ideas, Dr. Rollins? - You're the idea man. 1004 00:51:18,116 --> 00:51:20,243 Doctor, forget about those freebies. 1005 00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:22,037 What about me and Maria? 1006 00:51:22,121 --> 00:51:24,039 We want Baird! 1007 00:51:24,123 --> 00:51:25,833 History teaches us, among other things... 1008 00:51:25,875 --> 00:51:28,669 that most power struggles are based on money and/or religion. 1009 00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:30,922 Now, did you have any religious differences... 1010 00:51:31,005 --> 00:51:32,131 with your maid? 1011 00:51:32,215 --> 00:51:35,135 No. We ironed those out years ago. - Anybody have a pen? 1012 00:51:36,511 --> 00:51:38,180 Thank you. 1013 00:51:38,263 --> 00:51:40,515 Your five minutes are up. What are you going to do? 1014 00:51:40,599 --> 00:51:42,976 I know what I'd do if I were in Chicago. 1015 00:51:43,060 --> 00:51:44,186 What's that? 1016 00:51:44,228 --> 00:51:46,147 I'd take them all to a ball game. 1017 00:51:46,230 --> 00:51:47,356 Thank you very much, patients... 1018 00:51:47,398 --> 00:51:49,150 for coming to our free therapy session today. 1019 00:51:49,233 --> 00:51:51,194 As announced on the radio, all therapy and treatment... 1020 00:51:51,277 --> 00:51:52,529 today is absolutely free. 1021 00:51:52,612 --> 00:51:54,072 The buses have been categorized... 1022 00:51:54,155 --> 00:51:56,032 as to particular condition and ailment. 1023 00:51:56,074 --> 00:51:57,659 All sexual malfunctions and dysfunctions... 1024 00:51:57,743 --> 00:52:00,162 on bus number one. Penis envy? 1025 00:52:01,580 --> 00:52:03,540 Come on, now. Penis envy? 1026 00:52:03,624 --> 00:52:05,501 Girls, come on. We're all in this together. Come on. 1027 00:52:05,584 --> 00:52:08,045 Penis envy? On board, please. Thank you very much. 1028 00:52:08,087 --> 00:52:10,214 Premature ejaculators and non-ejaculators. 1029 00:52:10,298 --> 00:52:13,551 Now, come on, now. Premature and non-ejaculators. 1030 00:52:13,593 --> 00:52:14,970 Premature ejaculators, non-ejaculators... 1031 00:52:15,053 --> 00:52:16,888 and retrograde ejaculators on board, please. 1032 00:52:18,181 --> 00:52:21,894 Nymphomaniacs. Don't let me out of your sight. 1033 00:52:21,935 --> 00:52:24,230 Nymphomaniacs, please come with me. 1034 00:52:24,313 --> 00:52:25,606 Thank you very much. Bus number five... 1035 00:52:25,690 --> 00:52:28,526 all other forms of obsessive-compulsive behavior. 1036 00:52:28,609 --> 00:52:31,905 And bus number six, schizophrenics. 1037 00:52:31,946 --> 00:52:33,156 Actually, schizophrenics... 1038 00:52:33,239 --> 00:52:34,908 you get to choose between one and six... 1039 00:52:34,991 --> 00:52:36,743 and bus number six, all others, please. 1040 00:52:36,785 --> 00:52:38,412 All right, Doctor. We're all set. 1041 00:52:38,495 --> 00:52:40,038 We're playing New York at one o'clock. 1042 00:52:40,122 --> 00:52:42,249 I got you 280 bleacher section seats... 1043 00:52:42,291 --> 00:52:44,043 and the buses are prepaid... 1044 00:52:44,126 --> 00:52:45,586 and here's the microphone you asked for. 1045 00:52:45,628 --> 00:52:49,215 Great job. Why don't you join us? 1046 00:52:49,298 --> 00:52:50,592 No, thank you. 1047 00:52:50,675 --> 00:52:53,011 Come on. I got a section reserved here on the special... 1048 00:52:53,094 --> 00:52:55,722 just for people who have a compulsive need to brown-nose. 1049 00:52:55,806 --> 00:52:57,933 Brown-nose! 1050 00:52:57,975 --> 00:53:00,310 Relax. Take a load off those knees. 1051 00:53:03,439 --> 00:53:07,276 All abo-o-o-oard! 1052 00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:09,028 Guy goes to a shrink. 1053 00:53:09,112 --> 00:53:11,072 Says, "Last night, I dreamt I was a wigwam. 1054 00:53:11,156 --> 00:53:12,699 "Night before, I dreamt I was a tepee. 1055 00:53:12,782 --> 00:53:14,451 "What's it all mean?" Shrink says... 1056 00:53:14,534 --> 00:53:17,287 "It's very simple. It means you're two tents." 1057 00:53:17,329 --> 00:53:18,831 Get it? Tense! 1058 00:53:18,914 --> 00:53:21,292 You're a beautiful audience-- absolutely fantastic. 1059 00:53:21,375 --> 00:53:25,630 He's brilliant, or he's a fool. One or the other. 1060 00:53:25,671 --> 00:53:26,964 We'll try to work through your problems here today... 1061 00:53:27,048 --> 00:53:29,259 and see what we can do, see if we can help each other. 1062 00:53:29,342 --> 00:53:31,469 Who's first? 1063 00:53:31,553 --> 00:53:33,430 Here's a lady. All right. Where are you from? 1064 00:53:33,513 --> 00:53:35,974 Susan, from Hollywood. 1065 00:53:36,016 --> 00:53:38,227 From Hollywood. What's your dream? 1066 00:53:38,310 --> 00:53:41,981 I dreamed recently that I was crossing Afghanistan... 1067 00:53:42,022 --> 00:53:44,442 wearing nothing but high heels. 1068 00:53:44,525 --> 00:53:46,486 And you were embarrassed? 1069 00:53:46,569 --> 00:53:49,155 The Russians and tanks went right by me... 1070 00:53:49,239 --> 00:53:51,157 and the Afghan rebels ignored me. 1071 00:53:51,241 --> 00:53:53,577 But when I got to the Pakistani border... 1072 00:53:53,660 --> 00:53:55,579 there was a giant shopping mall... 1073 00:53:55,662 --> 00:53:57,247 called the Karachi Galleria. 1074 00:53:57,331 --> 00:53:59,083 But the parking lot was empty... 1075 00:53:59,166 --> 00:54:02,378 except for millions of lizards wearing dark glasses... 1076 00:54:02,461 --> 00:54:05,006 and one of them looked like Barbara Walters. 1077 00:54:05,089 --> 00:54:07,675 They were eating tiny, little Haagen-Dazs... 1078 00:54:07,759 --> 00:54:09,844 ice cream cones being served... 1079 00:54:09,928 --> 00:54:12,389 by a guy I went to high school with. 1080 00:54:12,472 --> 00:54:15,517 I went inside the mall to the food fair... 1081 00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:17,644 where the smell of caramel popcorn... 1082 00:54:17,728 --> 00:54:20,189 and cleaning fluid so overwhelmed me... 1083 00:54:20,231 --> 00:54:22,233 that I noticed my nakedness... 1084 00:54:22,316 --> 00:54:26,028 Speaking of nuts, I'm Donald Becker. 1085 00:54:26,112 --> 00:54:29,532 I'm Dr. Laura Rollins. 1086 00:54:29,616 --> 00:54:34,371 You a shrink? I don't care much for shrinks. 1087 00:54:34,454 --> 00:54:39,585 All that honesty and openness and truth-telling gets so icky. 1088 00:54:41,128 --> 00:54:43,589 Sometimes the truth is icky. 1089 00:54:48,344 --> 00:54:49,554 I'm Dan Peterson, head of promotion. 1090 00:54:49,637 --> 00:54:52,265 This is a wonderful thing you're doing here. 1091 00:54:52,349 --> 00:54:54,351 Thanks for giving us the seats. 1092 00:54:54,393 --> 00:54:55,811 If there's anything else I can get for you... 1093 00:54:55,894 --> 00:54:57,438 please, don't hesitate to ask. 1094 00:54:57,521 --> 00:54:59,899 There is one thing... 1095 00:54:59,940 --> 00:55:01,901 that I've always wanted to do at a ball game... 1096 00:55:01,984 --> 00:55:04,028 but--no. Forget it. 1097 00:55:04,111 --> 00:55:06,364 Your wish is our command. - I can't. 1098 00:55:06,406 --> 00:55:08,283 Sure you can. - I can? 1099 00:55:08,366 --> 00:55:14,539 The bombs bursting in air 1100 00:55:14,623 --> 00:55:18,210 Gave us proof through the night 1101 00:55:18,294 --> 00:55:20,254 He's been in town less than thirty-six hours... 1102 00:55:20,337 --> 00:55:22,924 and he's at a ball game singing the national anthem. 1103 00:55:23,007 --> 00:55:25,593 This guy could be a goddamn TV star. 1104 00:55:25,677 --> 00:55:28,221 What does a syndicated shrink show mean to you... 1105 00:55:28,304 --> 00:55:31,057 executive producer Perry Kovin? 1106 00:55:31,141 --> 00:55:35,020 And the home of the brave 1107 00:55:36,980 --> 00:55:46,241 Over here, in the left-field bleachers, are my patients. 1108 00:55:46,324 --> 00:55:52,497 Please give them a warm L.A. welcome. 1109 00:55:57,503 --> 00:55:58,963 Thank you. 1110 00:56:04,677 --> 00:56:07,013 Hot dog? - Thank you, Doctor. 1111 00:56:07,097 --> 00:56:09,599 Hot dog? - I hate hot dogs. 1112 00:56:11,977 --> 00:56:15,397 Getting cured? - Not yet, but I'm gonna get it. 1113 00:56:15,481 --> 00:56:18,067 All right. On that note, I think I'll just continue... 1114 00:56:18,150 --> 00:56:20,319 with my therapeutic ministry. 1115 00:56:20,403 --> 00:56:23,698 Unblock your emotions! Have a red hot! 1116 00:56:23,781 --> 00:56:25,700 Anorexics, come on. Don't be afraid! 1117 00:56:25,783 --> 00:56:28,495 Have two or three! It's all right! 1118 00:56:28,536 --> 00:56:31,915 How are you doing? Very good. Enjoying the game? 1119 00:56:31,999 --> 00:56:33,625 What other sports do you like? 1120 00:56:36,503 --> 00:56:38,214 Fabulous, wasn't it? 1121 00:56:38,297 --> 00:56:40,341 Sigmund was the first to deal with mass hysteria. 1122 00:56:40,424 --> 00:56:42,802 I am the first to deal with mass transit. 1123 00:57:03,574 --> 00:57:07,412 You are the strangest shrink I've ever met... 1124 00:57:07,495 --> 00:57:10,040 and this is the strangest date I've ever been on. 1125 00:57:17,423 --> 00:57:20,384 Good afternoon. It's 4:00, tea time in England... 1126 00:57:20,426 --> 00:57:22,470 and therapy time here in the Southland. 1127 00:57:22,553 --> 00:57:23,846 I am Dr. Lawrence Baird... 1128 00:57:23,930 --> 00:57:25,390 When was the last time you saw ratings... 1129 00:57:25,473 --> 00:57:27,017 go up like this in two days? 1130 00:57:27,100 --> 00:57:29,060 He's got something, doesn't he? 1131 00:57:29,102 --> 00:57:31,730 He cares. That's the secret. It's in his voice. 1132 00:57:31,813 --> 00:57:33,732 You know what that's worth to an advertiser? 1133 00:57:33,816 --> 00:57:35,109 Absolutely. 1134 00:57:35,192 --> 00:57:37,903 If anyone wants a doughnut without jelly, they're ready. 1135 00:57:37,987 --> 00:57:39,530 ...and recording them in a diary... 1136 00:57:39,614 --> 00:57:42,575 to analyze what each drill hit feels like. 1137 00:57:42,617 --> 00:57:45,036 All right. This is a very, very abnormal problem... 1138 00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:46,746 and certainly the first we've had on the show. 1139 00:57:46,830 --> 00:57:48,248 I think that immediately you should seek... 1140 00:57:48,331 --> 00:57:49,583 professional help and counseling... 1141 00:57:49,666 --> 00:57:51,251 because using an electric drill on the human skull... 1142 00:57:51,335 --> 00:57:53,587 is something that, well, we really shouldn't do. 1143 00:57:53,671 --> 00:57:56,340 Next call. From Torrance, California... 1144 00:57:56,424 --> 00:57:58,134 we have Lucille on the line. 1145 00:57:58,217 --> 00:58:00,094 You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1146 00:58:00,136 --> 00:58:03,014 - What can I do? My husband, he's the worst slob. 1147 00:58:03,097 --> 00:58:04,516 - Anything I cook, no matter what it is... 1148 00:58:04,599 --> 00:58:06,351 - the first thing he says is, "Do we eat it... 1149 00:58:06,434 --> 00:58:07,686 "or did we eat it?" 1150 00:58:07,769 --> 00:58:10,188 Then what does he do? - Then what what? 1151 00:58:10,272 --> 00:58:12,900 What does he do? - He laughs. 1152 00:58:12,983 --> 00:58:15,528 He laughs? - He learned it in the army. 1153 00:58:15,611 --> 00:58:17,113 - "Do we eat it, or did we eat it?" 1154 00:58:17,196 --> 00:58:18,614 - I'm ready to bury an ax in his head, Doctor... 1155 00:58:18,698 --> 00:58:20,491 - and I'm thinking of buying a gun. 1156 00:58:20,575 --> 00:58:22,535 - I have rat poison in the house already. 1157 00:58:22,619 --> 00:58:24,079 I know how you feel, Lucille. 1158 00:58:24,162 --> 00:58:26,164 - I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to be happy... 1159 00:58:26,248 --> 00:58:28,125 - until I see them taking him out in a body bag. 1160 00:58:28,166 --> 00:58:29,918 - I mean, I want the guy dead. 1161 00:58:30,002 --> 00:58:31,503 In these circumstances... 1162 00:58:31,587 --> 00:58:32,880 I think you have to start by centering yourself. 1163 00:58:32,963 --> 00:58:34,381 - I'm not going to center myself. 1164 00:58:34,465 --> 00:58:35,883 - Why do I always have to center myself? 1165 00:58:35,966 --> 00:58:37,927 You got to calm down. You got any T.M. experience? 1166 00:58:38,010 --> 00:58:39,554 - Let him center himself right in the cemetery. 1167 00:58:39,637 --> 00:58:42,557 Just start by-- close your eyes-- 1168 00:58:42,640 --> 00:58:45,185 Hey, lady, zip it up! 1169 00:58:45,268 --> 00:58:46,478 Now, look at your problem this way. 1170 00:58:46,520 --> 00:58:47,646 If you knock this guy off... 1171 00:58:47,729 --> 00:58:49,273 how long is your happiness going to last? 1172 00:58:49,356 --> 00:58:51,608 I mean, is this no-good slob worth going to jail for? 1173 00:58:51,650 --> 00:58:53,152 - So what should I do? 1174 00:58:53,193 --> 00:58:56,864 For openers, I'd say stop cooking for him. 1175 00:59:00,368 --> 00:59:01,911 Does it ever stop raining in London? 1176 00:59:01,995 --> 00:59:03,872 Rain! Rain! Rain! It's so depressing. 1177 00:59:03,955 --> 00:59:05,749 What was her name? - Whose name? 1178 00:59:05,832 --> 00:59:06,958 Here you are, Dr. Baird. 1179 00:59:07,042 --> 00:59:08,377 The information packet for your convention... 1180 00:59:08,460 --> 00:59:10,963 all the events of the 3 days. I'll show you to your room. 1181 00:59:11,046 --> 00:59:12,673 How many times do I have to tell you... 1182 00:59:12,756 --> 00:59:14,341 she was a patient! If I told you her name... 1183 00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:16,719 I'd be breaking the psychiatric code of confidentiality. 1184 00:59:16,802 --> 00:59:18,304 Don't throw codes at me. You've committed adultery... 1185 00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:20,849 and you had sex with a patient. Now what was her goddamn name? 1186 00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:22,183 Is there no end to this madness? 1187 00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:23,393 I can't tell you! 1188 00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:25,270 I always feel more comfortable... 1189 00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:26,980 if I can actually see my luggage. 1190 00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:28,774 Don't worry, sir. Everything's taken care of. 1191 00:59:28,857 --> 00:59:30,025 I'm sure. 1192 00:59:33,612 --> 00:59:35,364 Give me her first name. 1193 00:59:36,616 --> 00:59:39,035 Then give me the first initial of her first name. 1194 00:59:39,077 --> 00:59:40,537 This is so immature. 1195 00:59:40,620 --> 00:59:42,080 Then give me one letter in her first name. 1196 00:59:42,163 --> 00:59:44,207 Aren't I entitled to that? 1197 00:59:44,291 --> 00:59:46,209 "E." Now drop it. 1198 00:59:46,293 --> 00:59:49,838 "E." "E" doesn't tell me anything. I need a consonant. 1199 00:59:53,467 --> 00:59:55,052 Have you no sense of privacy? 1200 00:59:55,136 --> 00:59:56,387 Christ! You have sex with a patient... 1201 00:59:56,471 --> 00:59:58,056 and you talk about privacy? 1202 00:59:58,139 --> 01:00:00,058 Am I supposed to tip you, or is that-- 1203 01:00:00,141 --> 01:00:02,185 That's entirely up to you, sir. 1204 01:00:02,268 --> 01:00:04,354 This is worth how much in American? 1205 01:00:04,437 --> 01:00:06,023 That's about $1.50, sir. 1206 01:00:06,064 --> 01:00:08,734 I'll have to work this out. 1207 01:00:13,614 --> 01:00:14,865 George. - What ? 1208 01:00:15,074 --> 01:00:17,160 -I've had an affair, too. 1209 01:00:21,039 --> 01:00:22,832 That is so sad. 1210 01:00:22,916 --> 01:00:24,751 I'm a psychiatrist. I'm trained... 1211 01:00:24,793 --> 01:00:26,753 to see through these ego defenses. 1212 01:00:26,837 --> 01:00:29,089 You're hurt, and you're striking back. 1213 01:00:29,131 --> 01:00:32,259 It's all right. I understand. 1214 01:00:32,343 --> 01:00:34,720 Look at me. 1215 01:00:34,762 --> 01:00:37,890 I've had an affair for the last year and a half. 1216 01:00:44,106 --> 01:00:46,942 Who is he? - I can't tell you. 1217 01:00:46,984 --> 01:00:50,237 Why? - He's a friend of yours. 1218 01:00:52,490 --> 01:00:54,450 No friend of mine would ever sleep with you... 1219 01:00:54,492 --> 01:00:56,452 because, if he did, I would kill him. 1220 01:00:57,912 --> 01:01:00,248 Now tell me you're lying. 1221 01:01:02,125 --> 01:01:04,127 I'm lying. 1222 01:01:04,586 --> 01:01:06,588 Maitlin? Who's Maitlin? Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum. 1223 01:01:06,630 --> 01:01:08,090 Already you're wiping him off the ratings charts. 1224 01:01:08,132 --> 01:01:10,009 I like your loyalty. - Maitlin's history. 1225 01:01:10,092 --> 01:01:11,927 - Histoire. You're hot, Larry. 1226 01:01:11,969 --> 01:01:14,013 So, what do you think of a self-help video series? 1227 01:01:14,096 --> 01:01:16,933 - A doctor diet book. Please, shut your toilet. 1228 01:01:16,975 --> 01:01:20,687 Although he's got a point. A shrink's diet book. Why not? 1229 01:01:20,770 --> 01:01:23,482 I got the title: "Shrink Along With the Shrink." 1230 01:01:23,565 --> 01:01:24,983 Sensational! 1231 01:01:25,067 --> 01:01:28,904 Hardcover's very prestigious, but the real profit's in paper. 1232 01:01:28,988 --> 01:01:30,656 You might want to-- the rose on that... 1233 01:01:30,740 --> 01:01:32,617 I don't think it's edible. 1234 01:01:32,700 --> 01:01:34,410 What did I tell you? Has he got a mind? 1235 01:01:34,494 --> 01:01:35,703 We don't want to stop there. 1236 01:01:35,787 --> 01:01:37,956 That thing you did on the buses was just the beginning. 1237 01:01:37,997 --> 01:01:39,290 Buses seat eighty-four people... 1238 01:01:39,374 --> 01:01:40,625 even if you rip out the toilets... 1239 01:01:40,709 --> 01:01:43,545 but ocean liners-- ocean liners hold thousands! 1240 01:01:43,628 --> 01:01:45,172 I figure you get the QE ll... 1241 01:01:45,255 --> 01:01:46,757 you paint a happy face on the back... 1242 01:01:46,840 --> 01:01:49,134 950 a pop. What could be so terrible? 1243 01:01:49,176 --> 01:01:52,638 I can see millions. - I'll settle for my 200,000. 1244 01:01:52,722 --> 01:01:54,640 Cookie money. Cookie money! 1245 01:01:54,724 --> 01:01:56,893 So call me Famous Amos. 1246 01:01:56,976 --> 01:01:58,687 Campari and soda. 1247 01:02:02,149 --> 01:02:03,483 Now, tomorrow night... 1248 01:02:03,567 --> 01:02:04,943 Maitlin's getting the G.L.A.N.S. award... 1249 01:02:05,027 --> 01:02:06,612 and I want you to accept it for him. 1250 01:02:06,695 --> 01:02:08,197 Now, don't worry. Before you step up on the dais... 1251 01:02:08,280 --> 01:02:09,740 the money's gonna be in your hand. 1252 01:02:09,824 --> 01:02:11,033 And afterwards... 1253 01:02:11,075 --> 01:02:12,869 I'm the toughest negotiator in the west. 1254 01:02:12,910 --> 01:02:15,872 Ask anybody. Nobody fucks with Harvey Michaels. 1255 01:02:15,914 --> 01:02:17,957 Excuse me, I promised the staff... 1256 01:02:18,041 --> 01:02:19,668 I'd help with the dishes and take out the garbage. 1257 01:02:19,751 --> 01:02:21,128 Then I have to make a phone call. 1258 01:02:26,884 --> 01:02:30,096 Do you know my friend had shoulder pad implants? 1259 01:02:30,179 --> 01:02:33,516 ls that the ultimate? - You're kidding? 1260 01:02:33,599 --> 01:02:35,685 Dr. Glassman did my uppers and lowers. 1261 01:02:35,768 --> 01:02:37,687 lsn't it great? - Wonderful! 1262 01:02:37,771 --> 01:02:39,105 - I spent the entire weekend... 1263 01:02:39,189 --> 01:02:40,899 being pounded on by Madame Wanda. 1264 01:02:40,982 --> 01:02:42,442 - I highly recommend it. 1265 01:02:42,526 --> 01:02:44,903 I had my initials carved into my leg. 1266 01:02:44,945 --> 01:02:46,196 Who did it? 1267 01:02:46,238 --> 01:02:49,241 I did it myself. 1268 01:02:49,325 --> 01:02:51,744 It's nice. - Fascinating. 1269 01:02:51,786 --> 01:02:53,246 Hef, nice to see you... 1270 01:02:53,329 --> 01:02:55,456 in somebody else's jacuzzi for a change. 1271 01:02:59,628 --> 01:03:01,630 Good. I want to sit down with you... 1272 01:03:01,713 --> 01:03:03,715 and carve out some long-range objectives. 1273 01:03:03,799 --> 01:03:08,429 I'd never let you work for me. You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody. 1274 01:03:10,139 --> 01:03:11,933 And he's got integrity. 1275 01:03:12,016 --> 01:03:13,476 Why wouldn't l just love this man? 1276 01:03:13,559 --> 01:03:15,770 You know I do. I love you. I do. I love you. 1277 01:03:17,397 --> 01:03:18,607 I love this man! 1278 01:03:18,690 --> 01:03:22,653 He does. He does love you, Larry. - Oh, good. 1279 01:03:22,736 --> 01:03:24,989 And I'm not embarrassed to say it. Here. 1280 01:03:25,072 --> 01:03:26,949 Keys to the Maserati. It's parked outside. 1281 01:03:27,032 --> 01:03:29,452 It's got a cellular phone, everything. 1282 01:03:29,535 --> 01:03:30,953 These are the keys to the motor sailor. 1283 01:03:31,037 --> 01:03:32,246 Now take them, use them. They're yours. 1284 01:03:32,288 --> 01:03:33,414 You've been working too hard. 1285 01:03:33,498 --> 01:03:36,000 You know why I'm lending you the car and the yacht? 1286 01:03:36,084 --> 01:03:38,086 Because I believe in you. I believe in you. 1287 01:03:38,170 --> 01:03:39,921 I believe that you do! 1288 01:03:39,963 --> 01:03:42,591 Great! Have a contract drawn up. 1289 01:03:42,674 --> 01:03:44,134 Contract? - Now, don't worry. 1290 01:03:44,176 --> 01:03:45,469 It's only for seven years. 1291 01:03:45,511 --> 01:03:46,971 And remember, a contract's like a marriage. 1292 01:03:47,054 --> 01:03:48,639 You're unhappy, it's not working out... 1293 01:03:48,723 --> 01:03:50,099 What do we do? 1294 01:03:52,060 --> 01:03:54,479 You know what they say, boys. 1295 01:03:54,521 --> 01:03:57,315 It's unlucky to look upon the bride before the wedding... 1296 01:03:57,399 --> 01:04:00,444 so I'll catch you guys at the altar. 1297 01:04:00,485 --> 01:04:02,613 At the altar. 1298 01:04:02,696 --> 01:04:03,864 How about it, girls? 1299 01:04:03,947 --> 01:04:06,575 Want a demonstration of Archimedes' principle? 1300 01:04:06,659 --> 01:04:08,327 What did he say? 1301 01:04:13,625 --> 01:04:16,002 You know, I had fun tonight. 1302 01:04:17,462 --> 01:04:19,423 I finally found a place I fit in... 1303 01:04:19,506 --> 01:04:21,925 as well as I do the nut house-- 1304 01:04:22,009 --> 01:04:23,677 Beverly Hills. 1305 01:04:44,950 --> 01:04:46,202 What's wrong? 1306 01:04:46,243 --> 01:04:48,830 I have this rumbling in my gut... 1307 01:04:48,913 --> 01:04:50,873 and these terrible chest pains. 1308 01:04:50,915 --> 01:04:53,251 You ate too much. 1309 01:04:53,334 --> 01:04:55,629 It's not gas. It's trust. 1310 01:04:55,712 --> 01:04:57,672 I'm not used to trusting anyone. 1311 01:04:57,756 --> 01:04:59,841 It doesn't feel right. 1312 01:05:02,386 --> 01:05:04,180 I had one of the hottest... 1313 01:05:04,221 --> 01:05:07,058 Church of the Gethsemane franchises in Texas. 1314 01:05:07,141 --> 01:05:10,311 It netted about 1,100 a month in donations... 1315 01:05:10,395 --> 01:05:12,772 pamphlets, baptisms... 1316 01:05:14,524 --> 01:05:17,527 and then she walked in. 1317 01:05:17,611 --> 01:05:19,571 You're sitting on my covers. 1318 01:05:19,613 --> 01:05:25,995 Long red hair, short red dress, Nadine. 1319 01:05:26,078 --> 01:05:30,375 She said she played the organ, and she sure played mine. 1320 01:05:30,416 --> 01:05:32,419 I trusted her, did everything she told me... 1321 01:05:32,502 --> 01:05:34,004 including burning down my church... 1322 01:05:34,087 --> 01:05:37,090 and running off with her and the insurance money. 1323 01:05:37,174 --> 01:05:41,595 Then I woke up alone on a vibrating bed. 1324 01:05:41,679 --> 01:05:44,598 Nadine was gone for good. 1325 01:05:44,682 --> 01:05:46,934 But she did leave me a couple of quarters... 1326 01:05:47,018 --> 01:05:48,269 to keep the bed going. 1327 01:05:48,352 --> 01:05:50,605 That's what I got for trusting her... 1328 01:05:50,688 --> 01:05:53,108 over my own selfish instincts. 1329 01:05:53,191 --> 01:05:54,734 Always a mistake. 1330 01:05:55,861 --> 01:05:58,822 You see, that's what I like about you. 1331 01:05:58,906 --> 01:06:00,532 You talk straight. 1332 01:06:02,368 --> 01:06:05,121 It's hard not to trust you. 1333 01:06:05,204 --> 01:06:06,706 You'll learn. 1334 01:06:13,129 --> 01:06:15,090 And what do we do when your refrigerator repairman... 1335 01:06:15,132 --> 01:06:17,593 suddenly cancels an appointment? 1336 01:06:17,634 --> 01:06:19,261 And when your daughter borrows your new clothes? 1337 01:06:21,055 --> 01:06:23,099 And when your doctor refuses to validate for parking? 1338 01:06:25,351 --> 01:06:27,437 The snarl is good, a little bit more protestation... 1339 01:06:27,478 --> 01:06:29,480 and we'll tack a woof on there, so what you'd have would be... 1340 01:06:34,361 --> 01:06:36,446 Work on it. - Thank you, Doctor. 1341 01:06:37,823 --> 01:06:40,534 And I'll be looking forward to our next session. 1342 01:06:40,618 --> 01:06:41,827 I will, too. 1343 01:06:53,298 --> 01:06:55,133 Neo-Pavlovian rackoff technique... 1344 01:06:55,175 --> 01:06:56,969 for immediate stress relief. 1345 01:07:06,145 --> 01:07:09,065 I'm Dr. George Maitlin from Los Angeles. 1346 01:07:09,149 --> 01:07:10,942 Are you registered? 1347 01:07:11,026 --> 01:07:15,197 I saw your sign. I thought I'd drop by. 1348 01:07:15,238 --> 01:07:18,075 I'll gladly pay whatever fee is... 1349 01:07:18,158 --> 01:07:20,995 The Paleo-Jungian luncheon is £10. 1350 01:07:21,078 --> 01:07:23,539 The entire conference carries a fee of £500... 1351 01:07:23,623 --> 01:07:25,500 which includes the various lectures... 1352 01:07:25,541 --> 01:07:27,543 and the concept exchange period. 1353 01:07:30,088 --> 01:07:31,506 I'll take lunch. 1354 01:07:31,548 --> 01:07:33,008 Excuse me. Is this seat taken? 1355 01:07:39,098 --> 01:07:42,476 So, we're two Yanks abroad. 1356 01:07:44,937 --> 01:07:47,023 I saw you and your wife... 1357 01:07:47,106 --> 01:07:49,693 playing a word game in the elevator. 1358 01:07:53,238 --> 01:07:55,199 Where's your practice? 1359 01:07:59,036 --> 01:08:00,746 L.A. 1360 01:08:07,170 --> 01:08:09,089 Mine's in Chicago. 1361 01:08:18,891 --> 01:08:21,268 You're here just for the conference? 1362 01:08:21,352 --> 01:08:23,104 I'm here on sabbatical. 1363 01:08:23,146 --> 01:08:27,442 I'm...doing research on a...new book. 1364 01:08:35,492 --> 01:08:36,702 I'm just here... 1365 01:08:36,785 --> 01:08:38,954 to get out of the grind of Chicago for a while. 1366 01:08:38,996 --> 01:08:40,915 Are you familiar with Chicago? 1367 01:08:43,584 --> 01:08:45,628 I'm telling you, Cicero County Hospital... 1368 01:08:45,712 --> 01:08:48,715 has got to be the most depressing hospital... 1369 01:08:48,798 --> 01:08:50,050 in the history of medicine. 1370 01:08:50,133 --> 01:08:51,802 Did you say "Cicero County Hospital"? 1371 01:08:53,136 --> 01:08:54,972 Are you familiar with Dr. Baird? 1372 01:08:55,055 --> 01:08:58,100 That's me. Lawrence Baird. Glad to meet you. 1373 01:08:58,142 --> 01:09:02,021 What do you mean, "That's me"? - Dr. Baird. Cicero County. 1374 01:09:02,104 --> 01:09:03,439 You're not Dr. Baird. 1375 01:09:03,481 --> 01:09:05,483 Dr. Baird's in my office in L.A. 1376 01:09:05,567 --> 01:09:08,612 Excuse me. I think I ought to know who I am... 1377 01:09:08,653 --> 01:09:11,198 better than you do. I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1378 01:09:11,281 --> 01:09:12,491 What are you doing here? 1379 01:09:12,532 --> 01:09:14,535 Just what you're doing. Eating lunch. 1380 01:09:14,618 --> 01:09:18,539 Well, what about my $200,000? 1381 01:09:20,666 --> 01:09:22,794 Here's your parking pass for the big dinner tonight... 1382 01:09:22,835 --> 01:09:24,587 and your tux has been delivered to the hotel. 1383 01:09:24,671 --> 01:09:26,214 Watch the phones for me? 1384 01:09:27,716 --> 01:09:29,801 Can I interest you in some lunch? 1385 01:09:29,843 --> 01:09:32,679 I can't have lunch. But you can take me to dinner. 1386 01:09:32,763 --> 01:09:39,312 I'd love to, but I've got this thing tonight. 1387 01:09:39,353 --> 01:09:42,482 Me, too. Why don't you pick me up at 6:00? 1388 01:09:42,565 --> 01:09:45,318 Sure. I can pick you up, but then, like, after... 1389 01:09:45,360 --> 01:09:47,028 I don't think I'm going straight home... 1390 01:09:47,112 --> 01:09:49,489 after the evening's over, so... 1391 01:09:49,531 --> 01:09:52,201 Well, maybe I can talk you into it. 1392 01:09:53,702 --> 01:09:56,914 1425 North Orange Grove Avenue. 6:00 ? 1393 01:09:56,997 --> 01:09:58,666 I'll see you there. 1394 01:10:12,055 --> 01:10:13,724 ls this a joke? - Just wait. 1395 01:10:13,807 --> 01:10:15,893 They're ringing my office in Beverly Hills. 1396 01:10:15,976 --> 01:10:19,355 If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers, you've got a problem. 1397 01:10:21,858 --> 01:10:23,234 I'm so glad you're here. 1398 01:10:23,276 --> 01:10:26,738 Listen, I'm tired of this charade. 1399 01:10:26,821 --> 01:10:29,491 Yes ? Hello ? Dr. Baird's office ? 1400 01:10:29,574 --> 01:10:31,243 I have to tell you who it is. 1401 01:10:31,285 --> 01:10:32,411 Is Dr. Baird in ? 1402 01:10:32,494 --> 01:10:33,954 I'm going to kill Michaels! 1403 01:10:34,038 --> 01:10:36,248 When did you find out? 1404 01:10:36,290 --> 01:10:38,292 Just now! - Who told you? 1405 01:10:38,376 --> 01:10:40,586 Who cares? Some doctor from Chicago. 1406 01:10:40,628 --> 01:10:41,754 He's telling everybody! 1407 01:10:41,838 --> 01:10:43,590 I thought I was the only one who knew! 1408 01:10:43,631 --> 01:10:45,091 You knew? How? 1409 01:10:45,133 --> 01:10:49,596 I mean, I was there. - Where? 1410 01:10:50,764 --> 01:10:53,392 Do I have to give you all the sordid details? 1411 01:10:53,475 --> 01:10:55,770 You can tell Dr. Lawrence Baird... 1412 01:10:55,853 --> 01:10:57,605 that Dr. Lawrence Baird called! 1413 01:10:57,688 --> 01:10:58,940 I deserve it. 1414 01:10:58,981 --> 01:11:01,609 Mostly in hotel rooms, twice at his house... 1415 01:11:01,693 --> 01:11:04,112 and once--I can't believe I'm telling you this-- 1416 01:11:04,154 --> 01:11:05,655 on his desk. 1417 01:11:05,739 --> 01:11:08,283 What, for Christ's sakes, are you talking about? 1418 01:11:08,367 --> 01:11:10,911 Michaels. He's the one I've been having the affair with. 1419 01:11:17,376 --> 01:11:20,463 You've been having an affair with Harvey Michaels? 1420 01:11:21,714 --> 01:11:24,968 Isn't that what you were talking about? 1421 01:11:29,139 --> 01:11:32,184 They say I'm doing my radio show. 1422 01:11:41,402 --> 01:11:45,740 Thanks for watching the phones. Any calls? 1423 01:12:02,634 --> 01:12:04,135 This what you looking for, Doc? 1424 01:12:04,177 --> 01:12:05,679 Your one-way ticket to Mexico City? 1425 01:12:05,762 --> 01:12:06,888 That was just-- 1426 01:12:06,972 --> 01:12:08,891 What happened to partners in crime? 1427 01:12:08,974 --> 01:12:10,684 Honor among thieves? 1428 01:12:10,726 --> 01:12:13,020 You don't want to skip south of the border with me? 1429 01:12:13,062 --> 01:12:14,814 Maybe I don't want to team up... 1430 01:12:14,855 --> 01:12:17,233 with an asshole with one bad hand. 1431 01:12:48,559 --> 01:12:52,188 Do you want me to pay? - Pay him! Pay him! 1432 01:12:52,229 --> 01:12:54,774 We can settle it. - Give him the money! 1433 01:12:54,857 --> 01:12:56,567 Come on, come on, we're gonna miss the plane! 1434 01:13:48,832 --> 01:13:52,128 You're not dressed yet? We're going to be late. 1435 01:13:52,169 --> 01:13:53,754 They'll wait for you, Doctor. 1436 01:13:53,796 --> 01:13:57,425 I guess so. I'm the prime attraction. 1437 01:13:59,552 --> 01:14:02,973 Have you seen Becker? He disappeared on me. 1438 01:14:03,014 --> 01:14:06,685 Win a few, lose a few, Doctor. 1439 01:14:06,769 --> 01:14:09,980 What is it now with this "Doctor"? 1440 01:14:10,064 --> 01:14:12,608 You are a real doctor, aren't you? 1441 01:14:12,692 --> 01:14:14,152 Dr. Lawrence Baird? 1442 01:14:17,405 --> 01:14:18,698 Who told you? 1443 01:14:20,200 --> 01:14:22,786 The real Dr. Baird. He called. 1444 01:14:22,869 --> 01:14:25,205 Don't worry. 1445 01:14:25,289 --> 01:14:28,792 I didn't give you away. I covered your ass. 1446 01:14:30,211 --> 01:14:31,671 Why? 1447 01:14:31,754 --> 01:14:35,508 Because I once thought it was cute. 1448 01:14:37,677 --> 01:14:39,679 The customs people treated you with such respect... 1449 01:14:39,721 --> 01:14:41,181 and they went through my bag... 1450 01:14:41,223 --> 01:14:44,393 Iike I was some kind of a drug dealer, you know? 1451 01:14:44,476 --> 01:14:47,479 First stop, Beverly Hills. 465 North Bedford Drive... 1452 01:14:47,521 --> 01:14:49,899 then the Riviera Country Club. 1453 01:14:57,198 --> 01:14:59,034 Nice rental. Where's Harvey... 1454 01:14:59,075 --> 01:15:01,119 and my box of green dead presidents? 1455 01:15:01,203 --> 01:15:03,163 They're waiting to be exhumed in the game room. 1456 01:15:03,247 --> 01:15:04,456 Is he here? 1457 01:15:04,540 --> 01:15:06,417 I thought he was at some kind of banquet. 1458 01:15:06,500 --> 01:15:09,211 Would you stop following me? I told you to stay in the cab. 1459 01:15:09,295 --> 01:15:11,756 Driving me crazy. Would you calm down... 1460 01:15:11,839 --> 01:15:13,508 and act like the doctor you claim to be? 1461 01:15:13,549 --> 01:15:15,093 At least the police could identify him-- 1462 01:15:15,176 --> 01:15:17,137 I've been telling you for fourteen hours... 1463 01:15:17,220 --> 01:15:18,972 shut the fuck up about the cops! 1464 01:15:19,055 --> 01:15:20,557 I'm the one who's been violated! 1465 01:15:20,640 --> 01:15:22,225 What about my reputation? 1466 01:15:22,309 --> 01:15:24,478 Your reputation isn't worth ten cents. 1467 01:15:24,561 --> 01:15:26,772 My reputation's a million-dollar industry! 1468 01:15:26,855 --> 01:15:29,150 It'll go right down the toilet if the public finds out... 1469 01:15:29,233 --> 01:15:31,903 some fraud's been doing my radio show. 1470 01:15:31,986 --> 01:15:34,238 We got to keep things quiet... 1471 01:15:34,280 --> 01:15:36,658 and I've got to get my $200,000 back. 1472 01:15:36,741 --> 01:15:40,078 I'm calling the cops! 911--it's the same everywhere. 1473 01:15:43,332 --> 01:15:46,085 Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't traveled five thousand miles... 1474 01:15:46,126 --> 01:15:48,421 to have you fuck up my revenge. 1475 01:16:03,687 --> 01:16:06,836 OK, Harvey, grab your balls for the last time. 1476 01:16:11,028 --> 01:16:12,238 Help! 1477 01:16:18,203 --> 01:16:20,414 I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office! 1478 01:16:20,455 --> 01:16:23,584 Here's your money and here's your contract. 1479 01:16:25,210 --> 01:16:27,963 Just think of it as your blood test. 1480 01:16:28,047 --> 01:16:29,799 I never get married on an empty stomach. 1481 01:16:29,882 --> 01:16:32,719 Let me bark down some steamed puffed chicken rolls... 1482 01:16:32,802 --> 01:16:34,429 some boiled peas, I'll speed-read this... 1483 01:16:34,471 --> 01:16:36,097 and get back to you with some addendums. 1484 01:16:36,139 --> 01:16:37,933 Fair enough. By the way, I want you to know... 1485 01:16:37,974 --> 01:16:39,977 I didn't even take out the money I advanced you. 1486 01:16:40,018 --> 01:16:43,063 Now, you know why? - Because it's not your money. 1487 01:16:44,440 --> 01:16:48,819 - This is a serious breach of professional ethics! 1488 01:16:51,197 --> 01:16:55,660 - Are you there? Are you there, you rat? 1489 01:16:55,744 --> 01:17:01,166 - Help! Anybody, help! 1490 01:17:01,250 --> 01:17:03,335 - Please help me! 1491 01:17:06,088 --> 01:17:07,632 It's about time. 1492 01:17:07,715 --> 01:17:09,967 Who are you, and what are you doing in Dr. Baird's closet? 1493 01:17:10,009 --> 01:17:11,886 I'm Dr. Baird. - Sure, you are. 1494 01:17:11,970 --> 01:17:14,013 That's how come you're locked in his closet. 1495 01:17:14,097 --> 01:17:16,892 I'm calling the cops. - Good. 1496 01:17:16,975 --> 01:17:21,355 ...true paranoid is the one in possession of all the facts. 1497 01:17:22,690 --> 01:17:25,317 But the real reason we're here tonight... 1498 01:17:25,359 --> 01:17:27,445 is to honor our Dr. George Maitlin... 1499 01:17:27,528 --> 01:17:28,988 and to accept the award... 1500 01:17:29,071 --> 01:17:31,532 a man who's only been with us for four days... 1501 01:17:31,574 --> 01:17:34,160 How long do these people take? 1502 01:17:34,244 --> 01:17:36,705 How long it takes is how long it takes. 1503 01:17:36,788 --> 01:17:41,168 Oh. How long it takes is how long it takes. 1504 01:17:41,210 --> 01:17:42,878 That's not fast enough! 1505 01:17:44,004 --> 01:17:45,673 Freeze, scumbag. 1506 01:17:48,009 --> 01:17:51,012 Get in the closet. Come on, get in there! 1507 01:17:51,095 --> 01:17:55,267 OK, but you're gonna have to answer to Dr. Baird about this. 1508 01:17:55,350 --> 01:17:59,688 I am Dr. Baird! - Sure, you are. 1509 01:17:59,730 --> 01:18:02,191 - I wasn't born yesterday. 1510 01:18:02,232 --> 01:18:04,235 - I'm a trained professional, fella! 1511 01:18:05,236 --> 01:18:07,905 Thank you. Thank you. 1512 01:18:09,490 --> 01:18:13,954 - Thank you, Harvey. Thank you. Thanks very much. 1513 01:18:16,748 --> 01:18:19,960 Not here. Go around back. 1514 01:18:20,043 --> 01:18:23,088 ...to try to fill the shoes of a man... 1515 01:18:23,172 --> 01:18:26,592 who has made therapy a household name. 1516 01:18:31,723 --> 01:18:35,393 Some may say, "Why does therapy have to take such a long time?" 1517 01:18:35,435 --> 01:18:37,396 To them I say, there's nothing... 1518 01:18:37,437 --> 01:18:40,149 that can be done in a short time... 1519 01:18:40,232 --> 01:18:44,904 that can't be done just as well in a long time. 1520 01:18:49,075 --> 01:18:52,704 Thank you and--wait a minute. 1521 01:18:52,787 --> 01:18:54,623 Oh, boy. You're not gonna believe this. 1522 01:18:54,706 --> 01:18:56,208 I left that wallet... 1523 01:18:56,291 --> 01:18:58,252 in the other taxi, the one we took from the air-- 1524 01:19:00,254 --> 01:19:03,340 If Dr. George Maitlin could have been here tonight... 1525 01:19:03,424 --> 01:19:07,136 he would be most, most honored with this award... 1526 01:19:07,178 --> 01:19:10,765 and he would thank you for this honor, but... 1527 01:19:15,228 --> 01:19:16,939 You're supposed to be in London. 1528 01:19:16,980 --> 01:19:18,982 We were gonna tour the countryside... 1529 01:19:19,024 --> 01:19:20,818 but Vera decided she wanted to come back... 1530 01:19:20,901 --> 01:19:22,945 to fuck you again. 1531 01:19:23,029 --> 01:19:25,531 You know, you're not feeling well, and-- 1532 01:19:25,615 --> 01:19:27,200 Let's not talk about that right now. 1533 01:19:27,283 --> 01:19:29,035 Let's talk about money. - Money? 1534 01:19:29,118 --> 01:19:32,122 You gave my money to the wrong man! 1535 01:19:32,163 --> 01:19:34,499 He's the perfect choice. The ratings have soared. 1536 01:19:34,541 --> 01:19:36,293 You shithead! That's not Baird! 1537 01:19:36,335 --> 01:19:38,087 If you go out there in this condition... 1538 01:19:38,170 --> 01:19:41,632 everyone will know the kind of man you really are. 1539 01:19:41,715 --> 01:19:45,178 You're right. We don't want that. 1540 01:19:45,219 --> 01:19:50,684 - Now, some of you may say that this is a materialistic... 1541 01:19:50,725 --> 01:19:53,687 Good evening, I'm here to-- 1542 01:19:53,728 --> 01:19:56,231 I'm sorry. This is by invitation only. 1543 01:19:56,315 --> 01:19:59,026 I'm Dr. Baird. 1544 01:19:59,068 --> 01:20:00,319 Excuse me? 1545 01:20:00,361 --> 01:20:04,323 Madame, I am Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1546 01:20:04,365 --> 01:20:06,367 I don't think so. 1547 01:20:06,409 --> 01:20:08,870 I assure you, I am Dr. Baird. 1548 01:20:08,953 --> 01:20:10,622 I'm a legitimate psychiatrist... 1549 01:20:10,705 --> 01:20:14,084 and this is a legitimate psychiatrist's dinner! 1550 01:20:14,167 --> 01:20:15,627 Let's just calm down. 1551 01:20:15,711 --> 01:20:17,880 I'm perfectly calm, I assure you. 1552 01:20:17,963 --> 01:20:21,217 Be a psychiatrist. 1553 01:20:21,300 --> 01:20:23,886 You won't have to wash your hands as much! 1554 01:20:25,179 --> 01:20:26,973 No trouble. No trouble whatsoever. 1555 01:20:27,056 --> 01:20:29,142 I'm perfectly calm. Don't touch me. 1556 01:20:29,225 --> 01:20:30,852 Get your hands off me! 1557 01:20:30,936 --> 01:20:33,397 My goodness, what do we have here? 1558 01:20:35,148 --> 01:20:37,192 Where's my money? - Don't worry about the money. 1559 01:20:37,276 --> 01:20:38,444 As soon as the dinner's over... 1560 01:20:38,527 --> 01:20:39,904 we'll get Baird, or whatever his name is... 1561 01:20:39,987 --> 01:20:41,572 we'll take him outside, we'll grab the briefcase... 1562 01:20:41,656 --> 01:20:43,074 with the cash. - Cash?! 1563 01:20:43,157 --> 01:20:44,409 You paid him cash? 1564 01:20:44,492 --> 01:20:46,244 You told me never to pay anybody in cash! 1565 01:20:46,327 --> 01:20:47,912 It's the only way he would take the job... 1566 01:20:47,996 --> 01:20:49,414 and so far, he's worth every penny. 1567 01:20:49,456 --> 01:20:54,586 I'll kill him! And when I get finished... 1568 01:20:54,670 --> 01:20:56,588 if there are any bullets left... 1569 01:20:57,840 --> 01:21:00,384 On your desk. 1570 01:21:00,426 --> 01:21:03,137 Thank you. You have been a beautiful audience. 1571 01:21:03,221 --> 01:21:05,890 - Quick! He's getting away! 1572 01:21:07,308 --> 01:21:09,311 Hurry! - Crowd, clear, please! 1573 01:21:09,394 --> 01:21:10,770 Crowd, clear, please! 1574 01:21:10,812 --> 01:21:13,732 Watch your stuffed chicken rolls, folks. Parking! 1575 01:21:13,774 --> 01:21:17,903 ...be arresting the fake! I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me! 1576 01:21:17,987 --> 01:21:22,950 I am Dr. Baird! I am-- 1577 01:21:27,288 --> 01:21:30,000 Be on back to my office on Monday. See you later! 1578 01:21:40,803 --> 01:21:41,929 When do we board? 1579 01:21:42,013 --> 01:21:43,431 Fifteen minutes. - Thanks. 1580 01:21:43,473 --> 01:21:44,599 ...that has developed here. 1581 01:21:44,682 --> 01:21:46,643 Because of the difficulty of the access... 1582 01:21:46,726 --> 01:21:48,270 to the Hollywood sign, it's going to take... 1583 01:21:48,353 --> 01:21:49,938 a coordination of Herculean effort... 1584 01:21:50,021 --> 01:21:51,606 on the part of all three of these departments... 1585 01:21:51,648 --> 01:21:53,192 to deal with the problem. As you can see... 1586 01:21:53,275 --> 01:21:55,402 an unidentified man has climbed to the top of the "Y". 1587 01:21:55,486 --> 01:21:57,112 - Continental announces... 1588 01:21:57,154 --> 01:21:59,699 - the boarding of flight 45 to Mexico City. 1589 01:21:59,782 --> 01:22:01,742 You just don't have your thinking cap on. 1590 01:22:01,826 --> 01:22:03,661 We don't want to go public with this. 1591 01:22:03,745 --> 01:22:07,165 The pens from my office! My jellybeans! 1592 01:22:07,207 --> 01:22:08,500 Your eye's not on the sparrow. 1593 01:22:08,542 --> 01:22:11,169 I want my $200,000! - It's deductible. 1594 01:22:11,253 --> 01:22:13,172 It's a legitimate business expense. 1595 01:22:13,255 --> 01:22:15,507 We're talking, what, 72.5% of that. 1596 01:22:15,549 --> 01:22:18,844 Then I want my $145,000! My antique lighter! 1597 01:22:18,928 --> 01:22:20,513 And you say he's not a crook! 1598 01:22:20,596 --> 01:22:22,390 You made a commitment. 1599 01:22:22,473 --> 01:22:24,684 And remember, in this town, your word's your bond. 1600 01:22:24,767 --> 01:22:26,519 Let's not forget Balzac when he said... 1601 01:22:26,603 --> 01:22:28,647 "A man's reputation is like a famous painting. 1602 01:22:28,730 --> 01:22:30,190 "Once its authenticity's questioned, it's never--" 1603 01:22:30,273 --> 01:22:33,026 Shut up! - Right. 1604 01:22:33,068 --> 01:22:35,112 We'll have to get back to you on that... 1605 01:22:35,195 --> 01:22:36,572 if you promise to come back to us... 1606 01:22:36,655 --> 01:22:38,449 as soon as we get the picture and the sound. 1607 01:22:38,532 --> 01:22:40,368 As you can see from our helicopter up in the sky... 1608 01:22:40,451 --> 01:22:41,703 we're getting a very clear picture now. 1609 01:22:41,786 --> 01:22:43,746 The man seems to be dressed all in black... 1610 01:22:43,830 --> 01:22:47,208 in some sort of ministerial suit of clothing. 1611 01:22:47,292 --> 01:22:49,378 Late word has come in. 1612 01:22:49,461 --> 01:22:52,130 The man's name is Donald Becker. One Donald Becker. 1613 01:22:52,214 --> 01:22:54,174 If there is a relative out there... 1614 01:22:54,216 --> 01:22:55,551 who knows Donald Becker... 1615 01:22:55,634 --> 01:22:58,179 could you please make your way to the Hollywood sign? 1616 01:22:58,220 --> 01:22:59,388 Perhaps you could, uh... 1617 01:22:59,472 --> 01:23:02,183 I'm doing this for you, Baird! 1618 01:23:02,225 --> 01:23:05,061 Please don't do this. 1619 01:23:05,145 --> 01:23:07,230 Please don't do this to me. 1620 01:23:07,314 --> 01:23:10,067 Where are you now? 1621 01:23:10,108 --> 01:23:12,069 In first class. 1622 01:23:22,664 --> 01:23:26,418 - I've never seen such a mass of chaos in my life. 1623 01:23:26,459 --> 01:23:28,003 We'll cut to the copter in the air... 1624 01:23:28,086 --> 01:23:29,922 to see if they can pick it up. 1625 01:23:30,005 --> 01:23:33,008 He seems to be saying "Baird." 1626 01:23:33,092 --> 01:23:35,803 Where is he? Where is he? 1627 01:23:35,886 --> 01:23:37,513 Where's who? 1628 01:23:37,597 --> 01:23:39,557 It's only money. It's only money. 1629 01:23:39,599 --> 01:23:41,017 You can cash in on his momentum. 1630 01:23:41,100 --> 01:23:42,519 You don't want to blow that. 1631 01:23:42,602 --> 01:23:44,729 That looks like Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1632 01:23:44,771 --> 01:23:45,939 You crook! 1633 01:23:46,022 --> 01:23:47,733 ...recently on the radio. Dr. Baird... 1634 01:23:47,774 --> 01:23:50,027 there's a rumor that this man is your patient. 1635 01:23:50,110 --> 01:23:51,820 Is this true, and if so, how does it reflect... 1636 01:23:51,904 --> 01:23:53,113 on your treatment of him? 1637 01:23:53,197 --> 01:23:55,741 Badly, but maybe he won't live to spread the word. 1638 01:23:55,783 --> 01:23:57,326 Thank you. That was Dr. Lawrence Baird... 1639 01:23:57,410 --> 01:24:00,246 noted radio psychiatrist. My goodness. 1640 01:24:00,288 --> 01:24:02,248 Looks like Dr. Baird has taken Captain Goldblatt's horse! 1641 01:24:02,290 --> 01:24:03,541 With my money! 1642 01:24:03,625 --> 01:24:06,253 lsn't anybody-- - I'll stop him! 1643 01:24:09,548 --> 01:24:11,592 Good shot. 1644 01:24:11,675 --> 01:24:13,469 Where are we going? - Guess! 1645 01:24:17,640 --> 01:24:21,019 Are you Dr. Baird? It's an honor to meet you. 1646 01:24:21,102 --> 01:24:22,979 Listen, I have got to get up to the "Y." 1647 01:24:23,063 --> 01:24:24,481 My wife heard you on the air. 1648 01:24:24,564 --> 01:24:26,316 When she finds out I met you in person-- 1649 01:24:27,651 --> 01:24:30,279 Listen, Doc, actually, I got a little problem with her. 1650 01:24:30,362 --> 01:24:31,613 For the last few months-- 1651 01:24:31,655 --> 01:24:33,657 We should really talk about this later. 1652 01:24:33,699 --> 01:24:36,160 She likes to come home Friday, put on my uniform-- 1653 01:24:36,244 --> 01:24:38,454 Is that the only way out? Is there any other way out? 1654 01:24:38,496 --> 01:24:39,706 It's not like she's kinky, either. 1655 01:24:39,789 --> 01:24:41,291 I think she just wants to be me. 1656 01:24:41,374 --> 01:24:43,835 Look, I am responsible for this guy, and-- 1657 01:24:43,877 --> 01:24:45,837 She runs around writing parking tickets. 1658 01:24:45,879 --> 01:24:47,673 She tries to pee standing up. 1659 01:24:47,756 --> 01:24:49,174 Well, I'll see what I can do. 1660 01:24:49,258 --> 01:24:51,302 I'll put my mind to a solution to your problem... 1661 01:24:51,385 --> 01:24:53,137 and see if we can't come up with something... 1662 01:24:53,179 --> 01:24:54,513 but I have to go. 1663 01:24:54,555 --> 01:24:56,849 Yeah, but, Doc, I really need your advice on this-- 1664 01:24:56,933 --> 01:24:59,477 Got a session down here now. See you after. 1665 01:24:59,519 --> 01:25:01,688 Just in case you don't make it... 1666 01:25:01,771 --> 01:25:03,064 Later. We'll talk later. 1667 01:25:03,148 --> 01:25:05,525 I really will think about it, though. 1668 01:25:07,527 --> 01:25:09,405 It's you. 1669 01:25:09,488 --> 01:25:12,324 Decided to come back, have you? 1670 01:25:12,366 --> 01:25:15,494 Besides, I thought you were on your way to Mexico. 1671 01:25:15,578 --> 01:25:20,208 What happened--my fatal attraction lured you back? 1672 01:25:20,291 --> 01:25:23,545 This is a fitting setting for our reunion. 1673 01:25:24,671 --> 01:25:27,090 Where's your unicycle and your umbrella? 1674 01:25:27,174 --> 01:25:30,552 I've seen trained bears do better wire acts. 1675 01:25:34,140 --> 01:25:35,516 I can't see my money. 1676 01:25:35,558 --> 01:25:37,018 Maybe he gave it to someone to hold. 1677 01:25:37,060 --> 01:25:39,062 Cool it about the money. There's TV here. 1678 01:25:39,103 --> 01:25:40,396 You want the whole world to know? 1679 01:25:40,480 --> 01:25:41,731 He could fall, and we'd never find it. 1680 01:25:41,773 --> 01:25:43,942 You're a doctor. Act concerned. 1681 01:25:44,025 --> 01:25:46,278 You don't think I'm concerned? 1682 01:25:46,361 --> 01:25:49,823 You give away my $200,000 and sleep with my wife? 1683 01:25:49,907 --> 01:25:51,617 I'm concerned. 1684 01:25:51,700 --> 01:25:53,744 Quiet. A man's life is at stake. 1685 01:25:53,828 --> 01:25:56,122 Guess whose. 1686 01:25:57,665 --> 01:26:00,919 As I've said, I've been at numerous crisis situations... 1687 01:26:00,960 --> 01:26:04,423 but never one where the parking was just so terrible. 1688 01:26:17,896 --> 01:26:19,439 Hold on. Hang on. 1689 01:26:24,194 --> 01:26:25,821 That's it. 1690 01:26:28,574 --> 01:26:30,075 Why did you come back? 1691 01:26:30,159 --> 01:26:32,244 I'm still trying to figure that out. 1692 01:26:33,579 --> 01:26:36,290 Scared, Doctor? - You've got the wrong man. 1693 01:26:36,332 --> 01:26:38,293 You just needed a little help. 1694 01:26:38,334 --> 01:26:39,753 How did you get up here anyway? 1695 01:26:39,794 --> 01:26:41,713 Same way you did, Doc. 1696 01:26:43,298 --> 01:26:45,801 Thanks for thinking of this. 1697 01:26:45,843 --> 01:26:47,010 What do you want? 1698 01:26:47,094 --> 01:26:49,513 What do I want? What do you want? 1699 01:26:49,597 --> 01:26:51,015 You're the one who was screaming... 1700 01:26:51,098 --> 01:26:52,600 all over local TV for me. 1701 01:26:52,642 --> 01:26:54,852 I just wanted you to watch me jump. 1702 01:26:54,936 --> 01:26:56,854 Bullshit. You wanted me here. 1703 01:26:56,938 --> 01:27:00,317 Now I'm here, so let's do it. 1704 01:27:02,194 --> 01:27:05,697 Great. Let's do it. 1705 01:27:06,907 --> 01:27:10,703 Me first. - We jump together. 1706 01:27:10,786 --> 01:27:13,122 But before we go, there's something I gotta tell you. 1707 01:27:13,164 --> 01:27:15,792 Hurry up. I haven't got all night. 1708 01:27:15,833 --> 01:27:18,420 I was history. I had in my possession... 1709 01:27:18,503 --> 01:27:22,466 $200,000 in crisp, cold cash. I was rich. 1710 01:27:24,718 --> 01:27:27,388 You take this key... 1711 01:27:27,471 --> 01:27:31,309 go to the airport, get my 200,000... 1712 01:27:31,350 --> 01:27:33,644 and start a new life. 1713 01:27:41,862 --> 01:27:44,156 Why did you come back? 1714 01:27:44,198 --> 01:27:46,825 You were wrong when you said I deserted you... 1715 01:27:46,867 --> 01:27:48,911 but you were right about the pants. 1716 01:27:50,329 --> 01:27:52,498 Size thirty-eight crazy. 1717 01:27:52,540 --> 01:27:56,169 What? - Prison issue. 1718 01:27:56,252 --> 01:27:59,214 The County Correctional Mental Facility For Men... 1719 01:27:59,297 --> 01:28:01,383 at Cicero, lllinois. 1720 01:28:01,466 --> 01:28:05,846 John William Burns, Jr., inmate number 7474505-B... 1721 01:28:05,888 --> 01:28:10,226 current status-- escaped and at large. 1722 01:28:20,529 --> 01:28:22,322 They'll get us. 1723 01:28:22,406 --> 01:28:24,366 We'll live to jump again. 1724 01:28:56,776 --> 01:28:58,778 Cuff him. - Arrest him, too. 1725 01:28:58,862 --> 01:29:00,364 Dr. Baird? He's the hero. 1726 01:29:00,447 --> 01:29:01,990 That's the nut case we're taking in. 1727 01:29:02,074 --> 01:29:03,450 He's not Dr. Baird! 1728 01:29:03,534 --> 01:29:05,578 What's in a name? This man's a hero. 1729 01:29:05,661 --> 01:29:08,247 George, don't be ungracious. - He stole my money! 1730 01:29:08,331 --> 01:29:10,833 Come, come, we'll talk. 1731 01:29:10,917 --> 01:29:13,211 Here. You better take back your key. 1732 01:29:13,294 --> 01:29:15,964 Absolutely not. My offer still stands. You keep it. 1733 01:29:16,047 --> 01:29:18,759 They're gonna lock me up. - Don't count on it. 1734 01:29:20,260 --> 01:29:22,471 Sorry about this. I'm gonna have to take you in. 1735 01:29:22,554 --> 01:29:24,765 That's quite all right. Don't worry about it. It's fine. 1736 01:29:24,807 --> 01:29:27,309 A nice guy like you? It's a shame. 1737 01:29:27,351 --> 01:29:30,146 I quite agree. - Cuff him, too. 1738 01:29:30,188 --> 01:29:33,983 Listen, Captain, you don't want him. 1739 01:29:34,067 --> 01:29:35,860 He's not a criminal. He hasn't done anything wrong. 1740 01:29:35,944 --> 01:29:37,320 I sent him up there. 1741 01:29:37,362 --> 01:29:40,699 It's not his fault. It's my fault. Let him go. 1742 01:29:44,411 --> 01:29:47,456 You'll still be on the 11:00 news. 1743 01:29:51,169 --> 01:29:53,046 Release the other guy. 1744 01:30:00,095 --> 01:30:02,681 I want my money! He took my money! 1745 01:30:02,765 --> 01:30:05,059 You! You! You took my money! 1746 01:30:05,142 --> 01:30:07,395 Are you Maitlin? - You're damn right! 1747 01:30:07,478 --> 01:30:09,647 Author of the theory of psychocerebral equilibrium? 1748 01:30:09,689 --> 01:30:11,024 You better believe it! 1749 01:30:11,107 --> 01:30:12,650 Garbage! - Garbage?! 1750 01:30:12,692 --> 01:30:14,319 I'll show you garbage! 1751 01:30:14,361 --> 01:30:16,863 This is no time for violence. 1752 01:30:16,905 --> 01:30:19,575 Wrong, Harvey! - Holy shit! 1753 01:30:19,658 --> 01:30:21,535 You let my money get away. 1754 01:30:21,618 --> 01:30:23,829 But you didn't. - I'm your friend! 1755 01:30:23,871 --> 01:30:26,707 You banged my wife for a year and a half... 1756 01:30:26,791 --> 01:30:28,835 on your lousy desk! 1757 01:30:28,918 --> 01:30:31,337 The desk is a signed Julian Schnabel! 1758 01:30:31,379 --> 01:30:33,089 Sign this! 1759 01:30:33,173 --> 01:30:36,843 Jesus! He's got a gun! Grab him! Get him! 1760 01:30:36,927 --> 01:30:39,721 We have another late-breaking development. 1761 01:30:39,763 --> 01:30:41,598 Gunshots have erupted beneath the famed Hollywood sign... 1762 01:30:41,682 --> 01:30:43,601 which recently saw the thrilling rescue... 1763 01:30:43,684 --> 01:30:46,896 of a deranged patient by radio psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1764 01:30:46,979 --> 01:30:49,440 The alleged assailant is allegedly Dr. George Maitlin... 1765 01:30:49,524 --> 01:30:51,150 another Los Angeles psychiatrist. 1766 01:30:51,234 --> 01:30:52,527 Perhaps we could get an interview with him. 1767 01:30:52,569 --> 01:30:54,696 Dr. Maitlin, is there anything you'd like to say? 1768 01:30:54,779 --> 01:30:57,240 Fuck you !!! - Well, that's another first. 1769 01:30:57,699 --> 01:30:59,701 Let's check on two-thirty. 1770 01:31:02,580 --> 01:31:04,415 Doctor. 1771 01:31:04,457 --> 01:31:06,959 I'm Dr. Baird. 1772 01:31:07,043 --> 01:31:08,920 I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1773 01:31:09,003 --> 01:31:10,213 I hear you. 1774 01:31:10,255 --> 01:31:13,383 I hear you saying you're Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1775 01:31:13,425 --> 01:31:15,802 I am Dr. Baird, though. I really am. 1776 01:31:15,886 --> 01:31:17,304 I'm Dr. Baird. 1777 01:31:17,387 --> 01:31:19,056 I hear you. I really do. 1778 01:31:19,097 --> 01:31:21,558 I hear you saying, "l am Dr. Baird." 1779 01:31:21,600 --> 01:31:24,395 You're not really listening to me. 1780 01:31:24,437 --> 01:31:26,022 You think you're hearing what I'm saying... 1781 01:31:26,105 --> 01:31:27,440 but you're not really listening. 1782 01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:29,108 I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird. 1783 01:31:29,192 --> 01:31:32,278 I'm a qualified, accredited psychiatrist... 1784 01:31:32,362 --> 01:31:34,573 and somebody else has supplanted me. 1785 01:31:34,614 --> 01:31:37,951 Up his thorazine to 500 milligrams. 1786 01:31:37,993 --> 01:31:40,996 Another evaluation for you, Dr. Smet. 1787 01:31:41,080 --> 01:31:43,457 Amazing. - What, sir? 1788 01:31:43,499 --> 01:31:45,793 How many psychiatrists we're getting these days. 1789 01:31:49,298 --> 01:31:51,007 Dr. Maitlin ? 1790 01:31:52,571 --> 01:31:53,823 Dr. Maitlin ? 1791 01:31:54,010 --> 01:31:56,096 What? - I'm Dr. Smet. 1792 01:31:59,016 --> 01:32:00,851 I'm not sick. 1793 01:32:04,480 --> 01:32:07,316 I just need space. 1794 01:32:40,060 --> 01:32:44,065 - And the moon lights up the night 1795 01:32:44,148 --> 01:32:47,235 - My eyes light up when you call my name 1796 01:32:47,318 --> 01:32:48,695 - I get a fever-- 1797 01:32:48,778 --> 01:32:51,990 Hey, Houdini, let's go. You're going to Lompoc. 1798 01:32:52,032 --> 01:32:54,701 You give me fever 1799 01:32:58,038 --> 01:33:00,458 See you later, fellow timesters. 1800 01:33:00,541 --> 01:33:02,001 - Good luck. 1801 01:33:04,921 --> 01:33:07,590 You'll be glad to know that the horror stories... 1802 01:33:07,674 --> 01:33:09,551 about Lompoc prison aren't really true. 1803 01:33:09,634 --> 01:33:11,052 Good. 1804 01:33:11,094 --> 01:33:13,180 I mean, they got rid of most of the rats. 1805 01:33:13,221 --> 01:33:16,058 The number of knife attacks is way down... 1806 01:33:16,099 --> 01:33:20,771 as are the cases of ptomaine poisoning and gang rape. 1807 01:33:20,855 --> 01:33:22,231 I'm glad to hear it. 1808 01:33:22,315 --> 01:33:24,233 I mean, they haven't had a really nasty death... 1809 01:33:24,317 --> 01:33:27,570 there in at least a week. 1810 01:33:27,654 --> 01:33:30,240 Nice. - Hey, ah.. 1811 01:33:30,323 --> 01:33:32,909 Frank, a little trouble ahead. 1812 01:33:32,993 --> 01:33:37,790 33 David, we got a 902T at Pacific Coast Highway... 1813 01:33:37,873 --> 01:33:39,375 and Decker Canyon. Send rescue. 1814 01:33:46,758 --> 01:33:49,386 There's a woman trapped in there! 1815 01:34:06,070 --> 01:34:07,739 Hey, what's going on? 1816 01:34:07,781 --> 01:34:11,118 Frank, stop that van! Stop, or I'll shoot! 1817 01:34:11,159 --> 01:34:13,453 You're under arrest! Stop! 1818 01:34:17,416 --> 01:34:20,586 You didn't say they were gonna be shooting at us! 1819 01:34:20,670 --> 01:34:23,756 Hey, Dr. Rollins ! Welcome to life on the lam! 1820 01:34:23,840 --> 01:34:26,092 Hold still while I get these off. 1821 01:34:26,134 --> 01:34:28,970 You really are everything a guy could want. 1822 01:34:29,012 --> 01:34:31,473 Shit! - What? What's wrong? 1823 01:34:31,515 --> 01:34:33,308 The Freon's not working! 1824 01:34:33,392 --> 01:34:35,144 Who planned this disaster, anyway? 1825 01:34:35,185 --> 01:34:36,645 She did. - He did! 1826 01:34:36,729 --> 01:34:39,440 The gods of transportation have been kind to us. 1827 01:34:46,573 --> 01:34:48,909 Put this on. - How? 1828 01:34:48,992 --> 01:34:50,911 Over your shoulders. Good. 1829 01:34:50,994 --> 01:34:52,204 Just call me the wild one. 1830 01:34:52,287 --> 01:34:54,456 Good luck, boys. - You're not coming with us? 1831 01:34:54,498 --> 01:34:55,791 This is it for me. 1832 01:34:55,833 --> 01:34:57,418 But, I don't want you, Becker. 1833 01:34:57,501 --> 01:34:59,128 I want the girl. This isn't fair. 1834 01:34:59,170 --> 01:35:00,963 Life isn't fair. Hop on. 1835 01:35:01,005 --> 01:35:03,383 But I don't want to escape with you. I hate you. 1836 01:35:03,466 --> 01:35:04,968 I can accept that. 1837 01:35:10,766 --> 01:35:12,392 This hog can kick ass! 1838 01:35:12,476 --> 01:35:15,396 Can outrun any cop car built since '71! 1839 01:35:15,479 --> 01:35:17,189 Where did you get this bike, anyway? 1840 01:35:17,273 --> 01:35:19,901 I dipped into petty cash-- your briefcase! 1841 01:35:19,984 --> 01:35:21,360 I take back everything... 1842 01:35:21,444 --> 01:35:23,863 I ever said about you! You really are crazy! 1843 01:35:23,905 --> 01:35:25,699 How far do you think we're gonna get on this thing? 1844 01:35:25,782 --> 01:35:28,493 To Monte Carlo. - On a motorcycle? 1845 01:35:28,535 --> 01:35:31,371 No! On Harvey's yacht! 1846 01:35:31,455 --> 01:35:34,750 Becker! There are worse things than being crazy! 141607