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1
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:08,208
(marching band playing)
2
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,144
Happy Parade Day!
3
00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:14,314
It's the Parade Day Parade!
4
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:15,749
(horns honking)
5
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,484
Clear the roadway!
6
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:20,654
Your antics
inconvenience hundreds!
7
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,524
Hooray for parades!
8
00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:26,059
Your antics delight one and all!
9
00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:30,163
Follow me, Little Lord Ralph!
10
00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:34,501
What's hiding
behind the Great Green Wall?
11
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,003
A choo choo? Some buttons?
12
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:38,005
A dog ten feet tall?
13
00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:40,674
♪ ♪
14
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,776
Hmm‐hmm.
15
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,616
(gasps)
My eyes told me a secret!
16
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:50,951
(school bell rings)
17
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,453
Aw, last day of school.
18
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,456
Lot of fond memories in here.
19
00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:58,859
- Furnace.
- On it.
20
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,069
I know
what's behind the Big Hedge,
21
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,337
because I went behind
the Big Hedge
22
00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:02,801
and I saw what's behind
the Big Hedge
23
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,998
and now I'm gonna tell you. Yay!
24
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,401
The Big Hedge?
As in the Big Hedge?
25
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,803
No one knows
what's behind that thing.
26
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:12,239
Although,
a seventh grader once told me
27
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,408
it was naked ladies
setting off fireworks.
28
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:17,911
I heard it's where divorced
parents go to get back together.
29
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:22,015
No, sir! It's where they hold
the Independent Spirit Awards!
30
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,751
If you call that independent.
31
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:28,255
No, it's
the best playground ever!
32
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:31,925
There's Easter eggs and
baby cars that anyone can drive.
33
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,595
And this many clowns
in clown pants!
34
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:37,931
(chuckles)
Dang, that's hella clowns.
35
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,134
- (raccoon chitters)
- How the crotch
36
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:42,936
do we get through that thing?
37
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,838
I've seen my dad do this.
38
00:01:50,510 --> 00:01:52,446
(birds chirping)
39
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,414
- Wow!
- OTHERS: Whoa!
40
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:59,853
See? Easter eggs,
clown pants and baby cars.
41
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,322
I love you, clowns!
42
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:06,126
There's a golf course
in the middle of Springfield?
43
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,562
NELSON:
What's golf?
44
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,998
I've never seen a golf course
anywhere,
45
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,899
except those commercials
for pills
46
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,068
that give old people
their life back.
47
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,503
- Duckies!
- (ducks quacking)
48
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,006
I'm gonna go steal
their wet bread.
49
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:22,909
Whoa, I've never seen
Jimbo looking so sharp.
50
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,911
Is he bullying rich guys now?
51
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,247
Fine round today, sir.
52
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,850
You know,
I hope to be a doctor myself.
53
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:32,686
It's always been my dream
to work around blood.
54
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,488
(laughs)
55
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:37,057
Well, maybe this will help
with medical school.
56
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,762
Whoa! 20 bucks!
57
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,697
(Jimbo chuckles)
58
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,541
What the hell, Jimbo?
You just suck up to that guy
59
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:46,767
and he gives you money?
60
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,268
It's not sucking up.
61
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,937
Rich guys love hearing
how great they are,
62
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,806
and they're willing to pay
for it.
63
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,775
Money pay.
64
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,443
Mwah.
65
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,578
Look away, pervs!
66
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,082
We'd like jobs, please.
67
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:05,452
Well, you seem a little young,
but I do need the help.
68
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,487
I'm out several
of my best caddies
69
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,790
due to an elaborate
virginity‐losing wager.
70
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,025
Here are your first assignments.
71
00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:16,063
You know, I've never really
sucked up to anyone before.
72
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,298
Sure, I've lied,
scammed, grifted,
73
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,267
but this feels different.
74
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:21,401
Special.
75
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:23,603
Well, I'm a Van Houten.
76
00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:25,972
Watch and learn.
77
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:29,576
Dang! Looks like I got
the handsomest golfer
78
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,578
in the whole damn club!
79
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,780
‐(shudders) ‐(groans)
80
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:36,416
You fine, boy!
81
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,418
Hmm, you're new.
82
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:41,421
Uh, that's why they
assigned me to you.
83
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,423
The best way to learn the course
84
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,258
is by watching
a master carve it up
85
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:47,160
like a Thanksgiving turkey.
86
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,596
Hmm.
87
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:50,864
Hmm. That does sound
88
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,132
like something they would say.
89
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,601
(chuckles)
Let's play some golf.
90
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,269
(exhales):
Whew.
91
00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:57,838
(grunting)
92
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,306
Wait till my friends hear
I caddied
93
00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,875
for Kent "The Straight Dope"
Brockman.
94
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,877
We watch you every night.
95
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:06,947
Really? I thought youngsters got
their news from the Internet.
96
00:04:07,013 --> 00:04:10,784
Pfft. No way. My boys think
broadcast news is the swagness.
97
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,220
And the girls call you
"a snack."
98
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:15,555
Hope it's okay for me
to use the current lingo.
99
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,557
The snack will allow it.
100
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:20,327
Stacy and I, well, it's, uh...
101
00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:21,394
it's complicated.
102
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:22,996
Isn't it always?
103
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,766
She's a terrific person
and a top‐notch meteorologist.
104
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,735
But if I'm dodging her calls
after three months...
105
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,071
I think you've
already made up your mind.
106
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:34,074
You just don't want to admit it,
'cause you're a kind person.
107
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,309
Mm. Guilty as charged.
108
00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:39,579
You da man!
109
00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:42,582
Muzzle your nonsense, imbecile!
110
00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:44,184
Said da man!
111
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,819
This is "The Straight Dope,"
112
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,854
thanking you
for a wonderful round.
113
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,756
BART:
This is it. The moment of trut.
114
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,324
Did I kiss enough butt?
115
00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:53,593
Only money will tell.
116
00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:55,262
(shudders)
117
00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,197
I thought
all money was the same.
118
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,699
But the best money
is peeled off a wad.
119
00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:02,035
♪ Cash rules
everything around me ♪
120
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,279
♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money ♪
121
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,305
♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪
122
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:07,240
♪ Cash rules
everything around me ♪
123
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,584
♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money ♪
124
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:10,644
♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪
125
00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,479
♪ Cash rules
everything around me ♪
126
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:13,947
♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money ♪
127
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,782
♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪
128
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,617
♪ Cash rules
everything around me ♪
129
00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:19,953
♪ C. R. E. A. M., get the money. ♪
130
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,556
There's my number one son.
131
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,892
Come sit next
to your proud papa, workin' man.
132
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,561
We're all proud of you.
133
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,095
I'm sure Bart will learn a lot
134
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,965
carrying a bag of sticks
from place to place.
135
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,901
They're called golf bats, Lis.
136
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,903
Nice starter wad.
137
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,406
You want to see
what I'm rolling with?
138
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:42,576
Whoa! That rubber band
is just straining!
139
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:43,643
Can I hold it?
140
00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:45,078
Hey, be careful with that!
141
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,146
- Whoa!
- (Homer moans)
142
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,649
No‐static dryer sheets?
143
00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:51,918
You pad your wad?
144
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,253
(gasping)
145
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,422
I'm not the father
you thought you married!
146
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,157
(crying)
147
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:59,144
- (sprinklers running)
- (golf club strikes ball)
148
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:00,760
Look, Maggie.
149
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,863
Your brother is doing a job.
150
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,397
Aren't you proud of him?
151
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,066
Aren't you?
(chuckles)
152
00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:07,667
Want to sneak a peek?
153
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:13,039
...and in the end,
everyone lost money but me.
154
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,442
Wow. I've learned so much today,
155
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:19,045
about golf, life and oil leases.
156
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:22,282
I wish I had tribal land
for you to build a pipeline on.
157
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:25,986
I'd be honored if you'd frack
under my house someday, sir.
158
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:32,525
Ugh. I've never seen my son...
suck up before.
159
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,395
Easy money. Mwah.
160
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:38,732
You don't kiss all the golfers'
butts like that, do you?
161
00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:41,968
Oh, Mom. These rich guys expect
a little... (smooching)
162
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,738
in exchange for some... ah.
163
00:06:44,804 --> 00:06:46,072
It's no big deal.
164
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:49,075
On one hand,
I'm glad you're being polite.
165
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,477
On the other hand...
166
00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:52,579
(shudders loudly)
167
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,749
Wow, I never thought of it
that way, Mom.
168
00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:58,585
No one looks out for me
the way you do.
169
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,520
You are the shining star
170
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:03,023
that guides this family
through the darkness.
171
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,458
Oh, aren't you sweet.
172
00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:08,295
Why don't we stop by the
skateboard store on the way home
173
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,529
and I'll buy you...
(gasps)
174
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:10,730
(grumbles)
175
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:11,798
Suck‐up.
176
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,266
(cackling)
177
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,940
So, there we are
on the 18th green.
178
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,875
The course has been a bear
all morning.
179
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,977
I tell Judge Snyder
to shut that all out
180
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:25,478
and just be in the moment.
181
00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:27,714
- He nods, plants his feet.
- (gasps) Mm‐hmm?
182
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,883
- And, in one smooth motion...
- Mm?
183
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,786
- ...tips me 50 bucks!
- (gasps)
184
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,889
Wow. Just... wow.
185
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,825
Why do I suddenly want
to bring Bart's car around?
186
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,860
(Bart humming)
187
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,464
Here you go.
Buy yourself a bigger tip jar.
188
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,832
(bell dings)
189
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,567
(plays note on harmonica)
190
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,469
♪ Tip's in the jar,
grateful we are ♪
191
00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,671
♪ Praised be your name,
you've raised the game ♪
192
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,473
♪ Some give us zip,
it's such a rip ♪
193
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,508
♪ Shame them with song,
they're in the wrong ♪
194
00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:57,019
♪ All of the grown‐ups
in here just... ♪
195
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,345
Doesn't it bother you
196
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,013
that Bart made that money...
197
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,682
(quietly): sucking up
to those golfers?
198
00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:04,884
Marge, sucking up
is the American way.
199
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,686
In this country,
everybody got together
200
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:08,855
and decided that all the money
should belong
201
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,891
to a few dozen families
and their favorite suck‐ups.
202
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:15,362
Don't you remember
when we all decided that?
203
00:08:15,428 --> 00:08:17,530
‐(groans) ‐And of all the things
204
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,299
that Bart might do for money,
205
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,434
this is by far the most legal.
206
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,536
Other people are paying our son.
207
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:24,871
And in cash!
208
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,874
It's both aboveboard
and under the table.
209
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,043
That's the dream!
210
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,379
Homie, I know it's not logical,
211
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,547
but when I saw Bart
at that golf course,
212
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:37,584
my mothering spirit
just wanted to hurl.
213
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,719
Back me up on this one.
214
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,122
Tell our son he has to quit.
215
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,391
Quit being a caddy? No way!
216
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,393
How much did Mom give you
to tell me that?
217
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,728
Uh... n‐nothing.
218
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,163
Well, I can do better than that.
219
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,399
Will 20 bucks make this go away?
220
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:55,068
Well, I guess I can tell her
I did my best.
221
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:58,405
Tell her you did your...
very best.
222
00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,806
Mm‐hmm.
223
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,008
Now that you got your own pool,
224
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,177
what are you gonna buy next?
225
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,621
I'm thinking
of getting one of those booths
226
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:07,013
that blows money around.
227
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,182
It pays for itself
the first time you get in it.
228
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,617
Bart, no!
229
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:12,685
That wad is your future.
230
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,688
What you need is
a good investment vehicle.
231
00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:16,923
Hmm.
232
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,459
(all exclaiming)
233
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:23,029
"Patented Ultra‐Freedom
BadAss Technology
234
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,199
stops the engine if the driver
puts on a helmet."
235
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,300
- Yes!
- Yeah!
236
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,702
After you buy it,
can we have rides?
237
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:32,372
Guys, guys,
if I shared my death‐mobile,
238
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:35,208
then you wouldn't be motivated
to earn wads of your own.
239
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,043
I'm doing this for you.
240
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:40,280
Yeah, well,
you're acting like a butt wad.
241
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,082
(chuckles):
Oh, Nelson.
242
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,951
Saying what you really think
will get you nowhere.
243
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,462
- Lousy rich kids.
- (grumbling, muttering)
244
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:47,930
- MARTIN: If I had a quad,
I'd share my quad. - Lame.
245
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:49,956
(huffing angrily)
246
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:52,425
Mm!
247
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:55,628
(grumbling loudly)
248
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:58,064
Okay, okay, I'll tell you
what's bothering me.
249
00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,732
It's Bart's caddy job.
250
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:01,101
It's gross, right?
251
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,602
You can tell me it's gross.
252
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,837
You think it's gross?
253
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,840
Well, private golf clubs
are pretty evil.
254
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,475
Right. They are.
255
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,876
How so?
256
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,246
Wow, look at all these.
257
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,248
Waste of water resources,
258
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,483
pesticide use,
259
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,651
history of sexism and racism...
260
00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:20,420
And Bart's a suck‐up!
261
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,255
Not to mention
that private clubs
262
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:25,258
get huge breaks
on their property taxes,
263
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,026
which is completely unfair.
264
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,262
Why shouldn't rich people pay
their share?
265
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,764
Lisa, we've got
to shut down that club.
266
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:34,167
We're going to city hall!
267
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,002
♪ ♪
268
00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:38,338
(golf ball clacks)
269
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,841
(both grumbling)
270
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,681
‐(snarling) ‐Oh!
271
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:54,220
Club President Bildorf.
272
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,955
Plays every single day
273
00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:58,458
and never tips less
than 100 bucks.
274
00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:01,594
(whistles) Looks like I picked
the right summer job.
275
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,497
Mark my words‐‐
his bag will be on my shoulder
276
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:06,399
before this year's Father‐Son
277
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,569
Bingo‐Bango‐Bongo
Best‐Ball Scramble.
278
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,113
You know,
since school's not in session,
279
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,139
I can finally tell you...
280
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,807
you're awesome.
281
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,577
- Mm...
- Hmm? Hmm?
282
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,312
I'll take Simpson.
283
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,416
(chuckles)
284
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,251
Eh, I just won't play.
285
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:26,252
Mm.
286
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,587
♪ ♪
287
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,023
Okay, Mom. You got
to get your voice out there.
288
00:11:30,089 --> 00:11:32,025
Take the cause
directly to the people
289
00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:34,327
with an online petition.
290
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:37,430
I got this!
291
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:40,033
There.
292
00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:42,302
Now all I need is
a catchy title.
293
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:43,369
(gasps)
I got it.
294
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,038
"Stop Coddling
295
00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:47,607
the Springfield Junipers
Wealthy."
296
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,275
Whoops, too long. Hmm.
297
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,711
How about "Stop Coddling
298
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:53,279
the S. J. W. s."
299
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,781
And post.
300
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:57,550
I wonder if that headline
will get any attention.
301
00:11:57,617 --> 00:12:00,954
An online petition attacking
our local private golf club
302
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,656
has garnered
over one million signatures.
303
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,892
‐(both gasp) ‐One million?
304
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,560
(gasps)
Mom,
305
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,396
you used the term "S. J. W."
306
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,531
Yes, I know.
307
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,499
The "Springfield Junipers
Wealthy."
308
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:17,904
No! "S. J. W." stands for
"social justice warriors."
309
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:20,306
That's what right‐wing trolls
call anyone who cares
310
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,141
about positive social change.
311
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,310
Look at the other
online petitions
312
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,579
your "supporters" have backed.
313
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,082
MARGE:
Oh, boy.
314
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:32,352
Um, a signature's a signature?
315
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,796
Thanks to the cranky clicks
collected
316
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,588
by local complainer
Marge Simpson,
317
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,357
Springfield's golf club
will have to pay
318
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,158
a huge property tax increase,
319
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,427
threatening the club's very existence.
320
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,630
In one reporter's
unbiased opinion,
321
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:47,600
closing this par‐72 landmark
would be a travesty.
322
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,035
One and all would mourn the loss
323
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,271
of this exclusive
private green space
324
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,640
and Ramon's famous Bloody Marys.
325
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,209
He uses a golf tee
as an olive skewer.
326
00:12:57,176 --> 00:12:58,778
I think it's Ramon.
327
00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:00,713
I finally found something
I'm good at,
328
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,815
and you want to ruin it!
329
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,427
You don't know what it's like to
bring something into this world,
330
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:08,721
watch it grow and worry about it
day and night.
331
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,490
I love you, Wad.
332
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:12,792
We're going shopping
for rubber bands.
333
00:13:12,859 --> 00:13:15,161
You deserve it!
334
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,231
Simpson,
report to the first tee.
335
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,333
You're going to the show.
336
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,567
Yes!
337
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:26,306
Digitaria sanguinalis.
338
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:29,175
Tell Tetsuo he's fired.
339
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,344
I think it's Tetsuo.
340
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,747
Mr. Club President?
341
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,482
I'm sorry, for a second there,
342
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,985
I mistook you
for a young Pierce Brosnan.
343
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,086
Very young.
344
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,354
Ha!
345
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,856
Spare me, kid.
I've heard it all.
346
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:48,261
Simpson, your mother's campaign
is going to bankrupt this club.
347
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,697
I need you to convince her
to call it off.
348
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,098
Oh, I am trying.
349
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,701
My mom never backs down,
no matter how wrong she is.
350
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,269
(gasps)
351
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,871
That's why
she's still married to my dad!
352
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:02,208
(stammers) Why are charities
and churches
353
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:05,712
the only ones
that don't have to pay taxes?
354
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,914
(chuckles):
It's preposterous.
355
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:11,250
Yeah, man, this place
is better than any church.
356
00:14:11,317 --> 00:14:13,252
Everyone wants
to come here on Sunday,
357
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,321
people are always shouting out
the Lord's name
358
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,956
and, instead of wafers and wine,
359
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:20,560
you get club sandwiches
and scotch in a plastic cup!
360
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:21,894
Bart Simpson,
361
00:14:21,961 --> 00:14:24,297
you've just given me
the greatest idea
362
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,900
since little whales embroidered
on khakis.
363
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,836
(whales singing)
364
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,406
As of today, the sport of golf
365
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,508
is officially declared
a religion.
366
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,310
The Springfield Junipers
Golf Club
367
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,412
is now a house of worship.
368
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:42,849
Like all religions, golf
will be completely tax‐exempt,
369
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,917
adhering to the core American credo
370
00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:47,086
that churches rake it in
but pay nothing.
371
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,522
May Golf have mercy on us all.
372
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,258
Mm.
373
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,659
(groans)
374
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:57,906
- (crowd oohing)
- MAN: Get in the hole!
375
00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,699
(excited murmuring)
376
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,768
(cheering)
377
00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,543
Thank you for coming,
Your Holinesses.
378
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,078
Once you see how these golfers
379
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,914
are cheapening
the whole idea of religion,
380
00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:17,150
you'll put an end to this sham.
381
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:20,787
You want me to cast judgment
on a faith other than my own?
382
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,889
Well, twist my arm.
383
00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:24,457
(laughing)
384
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,826
♪ I'm alright, Lordy, Lordy ♪
385
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:29,562
♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me,
don't worry ♪
386
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,664
♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪
387
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,800
♪ Why don't you
just let me be? ♪
388
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:34,967
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
389
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,068
Mm?
390
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:38,571
Congregants, scripture, prayer‐‐
391
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,240
looks like a house of worship
to me.
392
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:42,909
(Marge grumbles)
393
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,744
These aren't commandments.
394
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,412
They're jokes I don't get.
395
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,148
Well, there's plenty of saints.
396
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,751
(Italian accent):
Blessed Shark,
397
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:54,420
deliver my son's golf ball
safely
398
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,523
onto the green
of Pebble Beach's notorious
399
00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:00,827
and evil 17th hole.
400
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,765
Look at this! It's like
the high holidays every day.
401
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,133
I should be so lucky.
402
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,634
Marge, I'm sorry,
403
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:11,370
but I think this religion
checks all the boxes.
404
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,773
We're calling it.
It's a faith.
405
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,613
I just can't take
seeing him like this.
406
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,615
Honey, over the years
I've learned
407
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:25,284
that you just want me
to listen to your problems
408
00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:26,953
and not always try
to solve them.
409
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,821
So... good luck.
410
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,061
It's Sunday.
Shouldn't you be in church?
411
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:36,395
I mean, your church.
412
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:39,165
(sighs) I've said a lot to you
about this job,
413
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:41,067
except what's deepest
in my heart.
414
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,237
Honey, the thing I've
always admired most about you
415
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:47,406
is that you've never needed
anyone else's approval.
416
00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:49,475
And I'm worried
you're gonna lose that.
417
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,444
I'm not gonna suck up forever.
418
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,079
Just until I'm rich.
419
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:55,748
Then other people
will suck up to me.
420
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,584
Promise me these golf people
won't take away
421
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:00,286
my special little guy,
422
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,189
because they seem to get
everything else they want.
423
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,490
Mwah.
424
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,199
Ready to play, sir?
425
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:14,776
I see you've got
a new diamond earring.
426
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,302
Very age‐appropriate.
427
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,238
Bart, you'll never caddy
for me again.
428
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,541
Now that your mother's
no longer a threat,
429
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:23,876
I can go back
to Chadlington here.
430
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:27,480
Him?! But my religion idea
saved the club!
431
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,981
I should be your caddy.
432
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,116
I earned it!
433
00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:31,450
Earned?
434
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:34,554
Earning things is so...
435
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,555
tennis.
436
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,224
Golf is about privilege.
437
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,893
Fine. But someday
I'm gonna be a member here,
438
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,296
and I'm gonna be cool
to the caddies.
439
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,164
Uh, you, a member?
440
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,133
(laughing):
Oh, look,
441
00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,068
you made Chadlington laugh.
442
00:17:49,135 --> 00:17:51,070
(high‐pitched chuckling)
443
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:54,507
Look, there's no path from where
you are to where I am.
444
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,476
Once a suck‐up,
always a suck‐up.
445
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,246
(grunts)
446
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,647
- ♪
- (panting)
447
00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:05,251
Mm?
448
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,187
Well, I earned this.
449
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:11,757
Sorry, buddy,
but it's time to say goodbye.
450
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:13,793
(golf club strikes ball)
451
00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:15,027
- Ah!
- LOVEJOY: Fore!
452
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,395
You joined?
453
00:18:16,462 --> 00:18:17,663
They gave us a group deal.
454
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,699
And they lifted
their restrictions.
455
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,866
What's not to like?
456
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,535
Everything's not to like!
457
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,136
These people are horrible.
458
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:26,772
Their stupid shoes
clack‐clack‐clack everywhere.
459
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:30,142
The snack shop buffalo wings
are microwaved and...
460
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:33,045
‐(engine revving) ‐What the...?
461
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,948
♪ ♪
462
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,288
(quacking)
463
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,661
You made one mistake, Bildorf!
464
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,297
You forgot about the wad.
465
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,232
It can buy a pretty nice ATV
466
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,302
or rent a whole bunch of them!
467
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,670
♪ ♪
468
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,472
‐(shouting) ‐(engines revving)
469
00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:00,538
Booyah!
470
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:01,874
Oh, no.
471
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,844
(high‐pitched whimpering)
472
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:06,345
Kid power!
473
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:08,581
(engines revving)
474
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,017
(exclaims)
475
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,351
Look at me!
476
00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:14,687
I'm playing golf!
477
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,389
(laughing)
478
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:20,126
Rum‐Ta‐Tum, your time has come!
479
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,594
RALPH:
Whee!
480
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,630
(laughing)
481
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:27,033
Class warfare!
(giggling)
482
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:32,972
Bart Simpson,
483
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,516
the next time
you want to make a point...
484
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:38,611
(chuckles) I would prefer
you use your words.
485
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:42,948
Did you honestly think a little
vandalism would shut us down?
486
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,117
(chuckles)
Greens can be reseeded,
487
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,554
traps re‐sanded,
roughs unsmoothed.
488
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,056
The club will go on.
489
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,457
(siren wailing)
490
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,227
Ah, and here are the police
to take you to jail.
491
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,398
This is a raid!
We're closing the club down!
492
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,400
Bildorf, you're under arrest.
493
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:03,335
(scoffs)
Me?
494
00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:06,005
But they are the ne'er‐do‐wells.
495
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:09,341
I am the head
of a legitimate religion.
496
00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:10,576
You sure are.
497
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,245
And like every new religion,
sooner or later,
498
00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,715
it turns into a sex cult.
499
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:26,692
In your case,
it was really... sooner.
500
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,695
♪
501
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,667
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
502
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,336
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
503
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,605
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
504
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,792
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
505
00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:48,581
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
506
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:49,949
♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪
507
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,685
♪ Why you got to
gimme a fight? ♪
508
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,988
♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪
509
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:59,225
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
510
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:01,393
♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪
511
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:04,630
- ♪ Nobody worry 'bout ♪
- ♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪
512
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:07,299
♪ Why don't you just
let me be? ♪
513
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:10,102
‐♪ Let me ♪
514
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:13,739
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪
515
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:16,242
♪ Why you got to
gimme a fight? ♪
516
00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:19,812
♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪
517
00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,981
♪ I'm alright ♪
518
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:25,684
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
- ♪ I'm alright ♪
519
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:27,586
♪ I'm alright... ♪
520
00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:29,455
Shh!
521
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,466
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
522
00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:33,425
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
523
00:21:33,492 --> 00:21:35,361
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
524
00:21:35,427 --> 00:21:36,929
Shh!
525
00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:42,334
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
526
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:46,934
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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