Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Previously: - Who says that in the middle of sex?

I don't know. It was the heat of the moment.

No, the heat of the moment is, "Oh, yeah, just like that."

Not, "Will you marry me?"

HOWARD: NASA really wants my telescope up on the Space Station...

...so they're putting me on an earlier launch.

- When? - A week from Friday.

What? But we're getting married that Sunday.

You're right. I can't go to space. I have to get married.

No one can say that's not a good reason. I'll call them back.

- Have the wedding when you get back. - Your dad's gonna be furious.

There's no way he's gonna let us postpone this wedding. Well, we tried.

I'll talk to him. He won't say no to his little girl.

No, I... l should talk to him, you know, man-to-man.

All right, look, I'm gonna level with you. I'm terrified about going into space.

You know, what if I don't make it back?

It's gonna be okay, son.

You really think so?

Of course.

A pretty girl like Bernadette?

She'll find a new guy.

MAN: (IN RUSSIAN OVER RADIO)

(IN RUSSIAN)

- Hey, Mike? - Yeah?

I changed my mind. I don't wanna do this.

- Good one. - Yeah, I'm a funny guy.

I also have a hysterical bit planned for later...

...where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

- Sheldon, what channel is NASA TV? - Two-eighty-nine...

...right between the Game Show Network at 288...

...and the East Coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.

I love his eidetic memory. It's so sexy.

Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?

Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flour, wheat starch...

...maltodextrin, salt, and my favorite ingredient of all...

...uniformity.

The uterus quivers, does it not?

There's Howard's rocket...

- ...live from Kazakhstan. - Oh, I'm so nervous.

I don't think I can watch.

You're nervous? I've been stress-eating for four days. Look at me.

I'm wearing my fat pants.

Remarkable.

In just under a half hour, 200 metric tons of fuel will ignite...

...in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard's keister.

And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy...

...has been "Tetris" and mail-order brides.

Give me those damn Pringles.

(IN RUSSIAN)

MAN: (ON RADIO)

Okay, we're in the final countdown.

- How you doing over there? - Good, good.

Quick question. I missed it in the briefing.

How much urine do these suits hold?

Hey, Froot Loops, wanna hit your fan switch?

Check.

He calls you Froot Loops because of your very gay haircut?

No, it's because I live with my mom and she makes me Froot Loops.

Go with gay story. People are more accepting of that.

Actually, Froot Loops just got married to a girl.

Congratulations.

Thanks. We decided to do it before the launch.

You and Mrs. Loops have a big wedding?

Not exactly.

Listen, if you don't mind, I'm not really up for chatting.

I'm just gonna sit here quietly and let my life flash before my eyes.

(SIGHS)

That went really quick. Let me try it again.

Close your eyes. Put out your hand. I got you something special.

Come on, Howard, I'm not falling for that again.

No, here.

Oh, Howie, a little star.

It's beautiful.

Put it on me.

Okay, but I'm gonna have to get it back from you...

...so I can take it to the international Space Station.

That way, when I come home...

...you will have a star that was actually in space.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Take that, every guy who's ever bought you anything.

This is the most amazing gift I've ever gotten.

Really? If you like it that much, close your eyes and put out your hand.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: I'm going to the supermarket to buy snacks for your trip!

Do you want me to get those little boxes of Froot Loops you like?

No. When I eat Froot Loops, the other astronauts make fun of me!

I don't wanna wait until you're back to get married.

What?

I wanna be married to you before you get in that rocket.

But I'm leaving in two days.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: What about Apple Jacks?!

I don't need to take cereal!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: What kind of breakfast do you think...

...they're gonna give you in Russia?!

They invented blintzes! I'll be fine!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: They invented the light bulb in New Jersey!

It doesn't mean they hand them out to you when you go!

We'll have a little ceremony with just our friends.

We'll still have the big reception with everyone when you get back.

Wow, okay, let's get married.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: You know what?!

I'll buy you All-Bran in case you get stopped up in outer space!

We decided to go down to city hall this afternoon, get married...

...and then have the reception when Howard gets back.

- That's so great. - Cool.

We know it's short notice, but we'd love you all to come with us.

No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted.

I wanna wear my maid-of-honor dress...

...walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me...

...while a string quartet plays "The way You Look Tonight."

That wasn't our processional music.

Well, it was gonna be mine.

Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline...

...because it doesn't sound like something I'll enjoy.

Come on, it'll be fun.

That's what you said about the Green Lantern movie.

You were 114 minutes of wrong.

So, what do you say, Amy?

- Can I wear my maid-of-honor dress? - Seriously? Wear that thing to city hall?

It's all I have left. You gonna take that from me too?

- Amy, you look great. - I know.

Where'd you get a beer?

From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos.

Beautiful story. They're in rival drug gangs and they're getting married.

Shh. No one can know.

Look at all these people in love.

Kind of gets you thinking, doesn't it?

It does, indeed.

Leonard, is it awkward being here with Penny...

...given that you recently proposed to her?

- You proposed? - I don't wanna talk about it.

Where'd he pop the question? What'd you say?

- She said no. Can we drop it? - Lt wasn't a real proposal.

- Why wasn't it a real proposal? - He asked her during coitus.

Did you get down on one knee or were you already there? Ha, ha!

Don't talk like that on your wedding day.

Sorry, Ma... Bernadette. Ma... Bern... You're my Bernadette.

- Good move telling Sheldon. - Can't propose, can't talk to my friends.

Is there anything else I'm not allowed to do?

All right, that's enough. Today is not about you two.

Today is about Howard and Bernadette and me.

Folks, can I have your attention?

It's 5:00. We're gonna take three more couples.

The rest have to come back on Monday.

- No. - I got this.

Excuse me, but is there any way you can squeeze us in?

See, I'm an astronaut and I'm leaving for Russia on Sunday...

...so I can take a Soyuz rocket to the international Space Station.

Yeah, me too. I'll see you there.

I can't believe we're not gonna get married.

I'm gonna go see if the couple at the front of the line needs a maid of honor.

So I tell my wife, "Get a dog, don't get a dog.

I'm not walking it, I'm not feeding it, I'm not picking up after it."

You know you're gonna wind up walking it.

I know.

Um, shouldn't you guys be talking about space stuff instead of dogs?

Dimitri, Froot Loops would be more comfortable...

...if we talked about space stuff.

Okay. I'm going into space.

And when I come back, I have to pick up a poodle crap.

Is that better?

Thanks.

You know, we could always drive to Vegas and get married.

No, isn't that kind of tacky?

I know tons of people who got married in Vegas.

- Are any of them still married? - Yeah.

I mean, not to the same people, but...

There's gotta be someplace special we could do it.

Leonard, where did you envision marrying Penny?

Will you shut up?

I know how to make it special.

I told you, we are not re-creating the wedding from The Sound of Music.

Yes, you made that brutally clear to me.

What I was going to suggest is...

...if you're willing to wait until Sunday morning...

...the Google satellite will be over Pasadena.

You can have your wedding photographed from space.

- Whoa. HOWARD: That's so cool.

- Way to go, Raj. - I keep telling you.

If I wasn't an astrophysicist, I would've been a party planner.

It was always a coin-flip.

Okay, so we know we're gonna do it Sunday morning.

Now we need to find a good place for the satellite to see us.

How about our roof?

- Oh, I like that. - That's great.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe my maid-of-honor dress is gonna be on Google Earth.

So we have the where and the when...

...but we still need to figure out who's gonna do the ceremony.

Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister.

I know a piercing parlor where they'll marry you...

...and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.

Right, well, who's it gonna be?

I'll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.

No.

What do you see in her?

(IN RUSSIAN)

Leaking? What's leaking?

Fuel. Shh.

MAN: (ON RADIO IN RUSSIAN)

There's fuel leaking and we're still gonna go?

Don't lose your Froot Loops, Froot Loops.

This happens a lot.

Nine times out of 10, no problem.

- What happens on the 10th time? - Problem.

Hey, guys, before I forget, I got you a little groomsmen present.

- Thanks. - You didn't have to.

Fantastic Four Annual Number 3 from 1965 in mint condition.

The one where Mr. Fantastic and the invisible Girl get married.

Oh, wow.

Oh, dear.

- I was afraid of this. - What?

While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition...

- ...is worth at least $100. - Yeah, so?

I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth $88.

Which places me in your debt, and I can't be in your debt...

...because someday, you might ask me to help you move...

...or to kill a man.

I doubt he'll ask you to kill a man.

Well, what if it's his only way out? I can't risk it.

Here is $12.

Now we're even. Wait, wait, wait.

I bought a card. Give me $2.

For the record, this is why I hate gift-giving.

AMY: Who is it? - Lt's the groom.

You can't come in. Bad luck to see the bride.

Okay, fine.

Bernie, I have to go pick up my mother! I'll be right back!

BERNADETTE: Why can't she drive herself?

She doesn't wanna sit in her dress and wrinkle it!

So I'm gonna lay her down in the back of my neighbor's van!

BERNADETTE: All right, just hurry!

Okay, I'll see you later, Ma... Uh, lovely bride-to-be!

I really gotta watch that.

Come on, Raj, we're ready to start.

We're ready when I say we're ready.

(MUTTERING)

Oop. Ahem.

Okay. Now we're ready.

Ma, you wanna move your chair over here so you can see?!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: I'm fine where I am! I don't wanna fall off the roof!

You'll fall through the roof before you fall off it.

Penny?

(VIVALDI'S "SPRING" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Your new mother-in-law is a piece of work.

Not now, Dad.

She's got a bigger mustache than me.

Here you go.

Here you go? What am I, a football?

Like that guy could catch a football.

"Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you...

...as your friends and newly ordained ministers."

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Louder!

They all got ordained! They're all marrying us! It's adorable!

If you wanna hear, come closer!

"Guys, when I look at the two of you starting your lives together...

...it fills my heart...

(VOICE CRACKING) it fills my heart..."

Okay, I'm gonna need a minute.

Okay, I'll go. Ahem.

"Howard and Bernadette...

...I know you two planned on getting married in a big, fancy wedding.

When you're in love, it doesn't matter where or how these things happen.

It just matters that you have each other."

LEONARD: Hmm.

- Problem? - No.

I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection...

...between your statement about love...

...and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

Oh, grow up.

- Hey, I didn't say it. - That's enough.

- Well, he started it. - Well, I'm ending it.

"Bernadette, I wanna thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor.

I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again...

...if this marriage craps out."

Thank you, Amy. Very touching.

"Howard and Bernadette...

...you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other.

And that's the strongest kind of love, because at its core...

...it has kindness, patience and respect."

Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

Would you like some aloe vera?

You just got burned.

All right, my turn. Ahem.

"Howard, Bernadette:"

(SPEAKING IN KLINGON)

Sheldon, I told you, no Klingon.

Fine, I'll do it in English, but it loses something.

"The need to find another human being to share one's life with...

...has always puzzled me.

Maybe because I'm so interesting all by myself.

With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other...

...as I find on my own."

The Klingon would have made you cry.

I believe you two have prepared vows?

Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you, this is going to be short and sweet.

I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.

Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Speak up!

Hey, from now on, she's the only woman who can yell at me!

Until I met you, I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person.

And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.

ALL: By the power vested in us by the state of California...

And the Klingon High Council.

ALL:... we now pronounce you husband and wife.

That's ignition.

I love this part!

Me too!

I have strongly mixed feelings.

Oh, my God, it's happening.

- Did I miss it? - No, come on in. Hurry.

(MAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ON TV)

I love that man.

Me too.

I can't believe it.

This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

This is it.

Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.

(MAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ON TV)

(HOWARD YELLING AND SOBBING)