Original subtitles

Oh, my God, I love this chicken.

Oh, you know what they say, "The best things in life are free."

You're right. I eat your food a lot. How about this?

You can raid my fridge any time you want.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery...

...with a jar of old pickle juice, I'll come a-knocking.

Hey, Raj, you didn't send your RSVP in.

I'm supposed to ask you if you're bringing someone.

I'll let you know.

Could you make it soon? There's a battle over seating.

In one corner, Bernadette's mom. In the other three, mine.

Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom...

...would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins.

Slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.

Oh, you liked Professor Geyser's wedding.

They had a make-your-own-sundae bar.

Oh, that was a night to remember.

Do you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.

Anyway, you gotta let me know if you have a plus-one.

If not, my mom's trying to sneak in the doctor...

...who sucked the fat out of her neck.

All right, uh, fine.

I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody.

Koothrappali plus one.

- Who are you bringing? - Who are you bringing?

He's bringing me. Who are you bringing?

Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O'Donnells.

Come on, who is it?

I'm not telling. I'm from Asia. I'm mysterious. Deal with it.

Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?

Uh, I don't think so.

Well, you should. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.

But 100 percent of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.

(BEEPS)

- Hello, Mommy, Daddy. How are you? - Pretty good, can't complain.

Oh, I'm sure you can. Just give it a minute.

Listen, uh...

There's something I want to talk to you about.

I wasn't ready until now but I think it's time.

It's finally happening.

You're coming out of the closet, aren't you?

We love you and we accept your alternate lifestyle.

Just keep it to yourself.

No, I'm not gay.

If anything, I'm metrosexual.

What's that?

It means I like women as well as their skin-care products.

Well, if you're not coming out...

...why did you call us during the cricket semi-finals?

I'm tired of trying to meet someone...

...and I think I'd like you to help me find a...

A wife.

And just to clarify, a female wife?

Yes!

Matchmaking. Very smart move, son.

Much better than marrying for love.

We married for love.

And it's been wonderful.

Quantum physics makes me so happy.

Yeah? I'm glad.

It's like looking at the universe naked.

(MOANS)

(KNOCKING)

- Hi. Guys got a minute? - Sure, what's up?

I was thinking about Sheldon's little joke the other night...

- ...about me eating all your food. - Oh, that was no joke.

But I understand your confusion as I am our group's resident cutup.

I'm sorry, you are our resident cutup?

Yes.

- Prove it. - Knock-knock.

- Who's there? - Interrupting physicist.

- Interrupting phys... - Muon. Ha, ha.

Anyway, I got a little residual check from my commercial.

And I thought, "How about I get the guys a little thank-you to pay them back?"

So, Sheldon... Ta-da.

(GASPS)

A vintage, mint-in-box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter...

...with real transporter action. Hot darn!

- Where did you get that? - From Stuart at the comic-book store.

You went to the comic-book store by yourself?

Yeah. It was fun.

I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks.

Felt pretty good.

Well, this calls for an expression of gratitude.

Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug?

No, not this time. Then they wouldn't be special.

Click. Thanks, Penny.

You're welcome.

Don't worry, I didn't forget about you.

Leonard, I got you a label-maker.

Wow.

No, it's great.

- Also, uh, mint-in-box. - Mm.

- And I got you a Transporter too! - Awesome!

Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure.

Oh, that's great. Open it and put him in there.

- Open it? - No, good Lord, no.

Why? They're just toys.

- Collectibles. - They're mint-in-box.

Can't we open one up and take a look?

- Aah! - No, don't!

Once you open the box, it loses its value.

Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity.

Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

You sure you want us here when you meet this woman?

Oh, yes. In my culture, it's expected to have a chaperone to oversee a first date.

I want to make a good impression. No offense, but with you here...

...I look like I'm 6'2".

The nuns always chaperoned the dances at my high school.

They used to make us leave room between us for the Holy Spirit.

RAJESH: Hmm.

Hindus do the same thing. Except they leave room for a cow. Ha, ha.

Listen, I love your charming racist humor.

But any chance you could not mock my religion while she's here?

- You made fun of me for eating lox. - Your people don't worship lox.

Clearly you've never been to brunch with my cousins.

So arranged marriages, the parents just decide...

...and then you get married?

Oh, no, no. I get a say in it. I'm sure whoever shows up will be better company...

...than the threesome I've been having with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

Excuse me, are you Rajesh?

Oh, yes. You must be Lakshmi.

- Uh, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.

Oh, uh, these are my friends. Uh, this is Bernadette.

- Hello. - Uh, and this is Howard.

HOWARD: Nice to meet you. - You too.

Please, have a seat.

(SINGSONG) I'm thinking double wedding.

SPOCK: Dr. Cooper.

Dr. Cooper?

Is someone there?

Down here. On your desk.

- Spock? - I need to speak with you.

Fascinating.

The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.

It is not the only logical explanation.

For example, you could be hallucinating...

...after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.

Was I hit on the head by a coconut?

I am not going to dignify that with a response.

Now to the matter at hand.

You need to play with the Transporter toy.

- But it's mint-in-box. - Yes.

And to open it would destroy its value.

But remember, like me...

...you also have a human half.

Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response.

Consider this.

- What is the purpose of a toy? - To be played with.

Therefore, to not play with it would be...?

Illogical. Oh, damn it, Spock, you're right.

I'll do it.

Sheldon, wait.

You have to wake up first.

Oh, of course.

Set phasers to "Dumb," right? Ha, ha.

Goodie, goodie, goodie.

This is wrong, this is wrong. I'm so excited, but this is wrong.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm doing it.

I did it.

(SNIFFS)

Oh.

That's what I always thought 1975 smelled like.

One to beam down, Mr. Scott.

Aye, aye, Mr. Spock.

Energize.

Aah.

Energize.

Don't be broken.

Oh. Please, don't be broken.

What did you make me do?

Okay, okay. Think.

It's only logical.

My goodness, that was delicious.

Well, I hope you saved room for chocolate lava cake.

Impressive.

What goes into making something like that?

Well, you start out by trying to make chocolate soufflé.

And when it falls, you panic...

...quickly change the name, and voilà, lava cake.

I bet our parents are dying to know how things are going here.

Well, let's see.

Yep, three missed calls.

Four missed calls, two text messages, and a failed video chat.

- I win. - Ha, ha.

So, what are we going to tell them?

- I'd like to tell them things are going well. - Me too.

But before we get their hopes up...

...we should probably make sure we're on the same page.

Okay.

What page are you on?

I'm on the one where I'm under a lot of pressure from my parents...

...to get married and settle down and have a family.

And I'm going to do it so they don't find out I'm gay.

Say again?

I'm gay.

Like...

Dude-on-dude, but with women?

I know a fake marriage isn't an honest way to live...

...but you, of all people, should know how difficult it is to come out.

Why me "of all people"?

Well, there's a rumor back in New Delhi that you're...

How shall we say?

...comfortable in a sari.

- I'm not gay. - Really?

The chocolate lava cake, the little soaps in the bathroom.

And I'm sorry, but you're wearing more perfume than I am.

That's Unbreakable by Khloe and Lamar.

And for your information, it's unisex.

Fill in the blank: "I love the nightlife..."

- I like to boogie. - Got you.

With women. I like to boogie with women.

That's disappointing. You were exactly the kind of phony-baloney husband...

...I was looking for.

Thank you.

And once again, my baloney likes girls.

Wait, wait. You don't wanna put a bite of that in your mouth...

...without trying my homemade Chantilly cream.

Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, dear.

Two suns and no sunscreen.

Hello again, Sheldon.

What is it now, Tiny Spock?

I am very disappointed in you.

You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard's.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You're the one who told me to play with it.

If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it?

No.

If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never ever leave.

Trust me, it gets old after a while.

You must right your wrong, Sheldon.

Why? I got away with it.

Leonard has his toy, and he's never going to open it.

So he won't know it's broken. And I have a toy that isn't broken.

Everybody's happy.

Well, I am unhappy.

I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.

I come from a factory in Taiwan.

Now, do the right thing.

You know what you are?

Well, you're a green-blooded buzzkill.

Perhaps it's time you beam on out of here.

Fine. I will just use the Transporter.

Oh, right, you broke it.

Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up.

Energize.

(ROARS)

(SCREAMING)

Aah! Tiny Spock! Help!

- Ready for lunch? - Yeah, one sec. Ahh.

Oh, good. Ma would've killed me if she found out I broke my retainer.

Hey, uh, can I run something by you? It's about Lakshmi.

Yeah, sure. How are things going?

We hit a couple of bumps.

She lives over in Manhattan Beach, so it takes like an hour to get there.

And she's a lesbian.

What do you mean, a lesbian?

Well, you know whenever you and I would try to hit on women in bars...

...they'd blow us off, then we'd tell each other they were gay?

It's like that.

Except this time, it's true.

- Why did she even go out with you? - She was looking for a husband...

...so she can appear to be straight.

And, you know, it sounded crazy to me at first...

...but I'm actually thinking about doing it.

Okay. Well, so the reason that might sound crazy is because it's crazy!

Look, Howard, you're in a relationship.

You know you have to make compromises.

Yes, but my compromises are about which bedspread to buy...

...or whose turn it is to do the laundry, Bernadette's or my mom's.

It's a great deal. We both get our parents off our backs.

I don't have to come home to an empty apartment.

Plus, once I'm married, I can finally eat carbs again and let myself go.

Why don't you tell your parents you wanna try to find someone else?

You know, one who hasn't slept with more women than you.

Because this one wants to marry me.

I might never find another one who does.

You're thinking about marrying someone you're never gonna have sex with?

I can't believe your attitude.

I thought you were in favor of gay people getting married.

HOWARD: Yes, to other gay people.

RAJESH: Do you hear how homophobic you sound?

(SIGHS)

Oh, I don't want a broken toy.

Nothing.

- What? - Nothing. I said nothing.

- That was weird. - Really? I don't even notice anymore.

Ahh, I cannot believe you guys aren't gonna play with these.

We told you, you don't. It's mint-in-box.

I don't know. I just think it's a waste.

(SCREAMS)

Just relax, I'm just looking at the box.

You should look with your eyes and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.

What is your problem?

My problem is that I don't want you to break Leonard's toy...

...which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it, we all saw her.

Leonard, I bought you this because I wanted you to have fun with it.

I didn't want it to sit in this box.

You know what? You're right.

I mean, it's from you. I'm never gonna sell it.

- I'm opening it. - Yes.

(WHIMPERS)

- It's broken. - What?

Oh, nice job, man-hands.

I didn't break it.

I guess Stuart sold it to me like this.

Yes. Yes, he did.

That is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explana...

You know, let's all be mad at Stuart.

I paid a lot for this. Let's take it over there and show him.

Absolutely.

Wait.

It was me.

I opened your toy...

...discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.

- Why would you open mine? - I didn't. That was a lie.

I opened my own toy...

...and it was already broken, so I switched them.

- Well, you should talk to Stuart. - I can't, because that was a lie.

Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.

What is the truth?

My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it.

And when the toy broke, I switched it for yours.

Later, he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him.

And then I was attacked by a Gorn.

- Okay, that I believe. - Mm.

Leonard, Penny, I want you both to know...

...that I regret my actions towards the two of you. That's a lie.

So is that one mine?

- Yes. - Well, hand it over so I can open it.

Okay.

And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore...

- ...I hope you have fun playing with it. - That's a lie?

- A big, fat whopper. - Yeah.

I hope it breaks.

This is a treat. What brings you guys by?

Raj, Howie told me what's going on with you and Lakshmi.

- You told her? - I told everybody.

We believe there's someone out there who'll love you for you.

We kind of agreed to disagree on that one.

But we both think you shouldn't marry this woman.

So while I'm waiting for this mysterious perfect match...

...who may or may not exist, I'm supposed to just be alone?

Not necessarily.

I think we found someone for you to cuddle with.

(RAJESH GASPS)

RAJESH: Oh, my goodness.

Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever?

- You got him for me? - Her.

We thought you two would hit it off.

I think we already have. Thank you guys so much.

Let's go see if you fit in my man-purse.

Metrosexual, my ass.