Original subtitles

Wanna spend time playing the new "Star Wars" game this weekend?

Mm, I don't know, I promised myself I'd get off the computer...

...be more physically active, get some exercise.

You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.

Well, good point. I'm in.

You know what would be great? Let's do it like the old days.

- Mm, you talking gaming marathon? - Yeah.

Start Saturday morning, go 48 hours, sleeping bags, junk food.

HOWARD: Turn off our phones so our moms can't call.

It'll be like our "World of Warcraft" party when the neighbors called the cops on us.

(HOWARD CHUCKLES)

They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were dead.

We were bad-ass back in the day.

- All right, let's do it. - Forty-eight hours of "Star wars" gaming.

It's on like Alderaan.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend.

Starting Saturday morning, "Star Wars" marathon.

- Woo-hoo. - Movies or video games?

Or board games? Or trading-card games?

Or Legos? Or dress-up? Or comic books?

Or dramatic readings of novelizations?

Yes to all.

We are going to play the online game.

The online game? Bully.

As much as I'm sure Sheldon would enjoy...

...playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have plans.

We are attending my Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party.

Just tell her I can't come.

She'll be disappointed if we don't show.

She's 93. She won't be disappointed for very long.

Hang on. I followed all the protocols...

...set forth by you in the Relationship Agreement.

I made a written request 72 hours in advance.

Checked the tire pressure on the car.

I contacted the Centers for Disease Control...

...to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County.

FYI, it's none.

Amy, the Relationship Agreement...

...was not designed for either one of us to get our way.

You use it to get your way.

I use it to get the right way.

The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.

You gave me your word. You're coming with me.

We'll miss you, Sheldon.

Yeah? Well, who wants to spend the whole weekend...

...running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made-up monsters?

- That's for babies. - Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.

Yeah. Please, Amy, it's got lightsabers.

- Hello, Stuart. - Hey, Sheldon.

- Help you with anything? - Yes.

I'm attending a party this weekend for a 93-year-old woman.

Can you recommend a gift?

Uh, I don't know.

Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur...

...make a pretty bad-ass cane.

Do you supply the ball?

- No. - Then no.

- What else? - Uh, oh.

Got this collector's edition Batman Utility Belt.

Maybe she could use it as a wearable pill caddy.

Well, she'd just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.

Um, sorry, Sheldon, that's it. That's all I got.

It's not your fault. I've been to the model-train store.

I've been to Radio Shack. This woman's impossible to shop for.

I'd make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems...

...if I wasn't in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.

Well, Leonard, go ahead and mock.

It's like my daddy always said:

"Shelly, women aren't anything but flipping pains in the bottom."

That's what your father used to say?

Well, I took out the bad words and the "yeehaw," but you get the gist.

If you don't wanna go to the party, just don't go. You're a grown man.

Act like one. Tell Amy you wanna spend the weekend having a sleepover...

...and playing video games with your friends.

Yeah, maybe she'll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.

I can never find the tiller.

I got a book. It didn't help.

Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved...

...it would be by an advanced species from another planet...

...not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.

I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation.

(WHIP CRACKS ON PHONE)

(HOWARD, RAJESH & LEONARD LAUGHING)

You're right. I'm smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.

Listen, I kind of made plans with the guys this weekend.

I wondered, because we're in this relationship beta test...

...if I should have asked you first.

Then I thought if I did check with you first...

...you'd think that I was taking things too seriously...

...and then I got a nosebleed.

You don't have to check with me. Do whatever you want.

Oh.

Guess I was hoping for a different reaction, but okay.

- Really? What were you hoping for? - I don't know.

Maybe that you'd be a little upset.

And then you'd realize that I'm a stallion that has to run free.

And that would turn you on a little.

Okay, I'm an actress. Ask me again.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you mind if I spend the weekend playing games with the guys?

Wha...? The entire weekend? You mean I wouldn't see you at all?

But I do... No, no, I knew what I was getting into.

You can't put a saddle on Leonard Hofstadter.

Oh, my, is it getting hot in here? Ay, Papi.

"Ay, Papi"?

- What is that? - An acting choice.

LEONARD: Hmm.

So you chose that when you become turned on...

...you'd turn into Speedy Gonzalez.

Do you got a problem with that, Papi?

Uh-uh.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

SHELDON: Penny? Penny? Penny?

Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.

Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.

Gummi Bears? Thank you.

Now that you're in my debt...

(PENNY SIGHS)

...please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment...

...to attend her aunt's tedious birthday party.

- Not a chance. - All right.

I thought the candy might not be enough, so let me up the ante.

Ahem. These are Cooper Coupons.

These are for various things I can do for you.

Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check.

Uh...

You could use it for e-mails, letters, tattoos, what have you.

Uh...

Oh, this is a fun one. This is an afternoon with me...

...at the California Science Center where I point out their mistakes.

Keep an eye on those expiration dates. I've been burned more than once.

I'm not gonna get involved in your relationship.

Come on. It's just a simple favor. When's the last time...

- ...I asked you to do something for me? - Yesterday.

You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

Last time I asked you to do something that wasn't a medical emergency?

Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

All right, I have no choice...

- ...but to go on to plan B. - What's that?

Run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.

- Good morning. - Hello.

I think you'll really enjoy yourself today. You get to meet my relatives.

Since my aunt's nursing home is catering the party...

...all the food is incredibly soft. It's like a vacation for your teeth.

All right.

- You sure you're okay with this? - Yes.

I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

Oh, don't thank me. Thank wireless technology.

Yeah, I realized I can go to your aunt's awful party...

...and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.

My relatives are gonna wanna talk to you.

And you're gonna be sitting there playing a game?

- Isn't that a little rude? - Oh, I got that covered.

Headset. I won't hear a word the old geezers are saying.

If playing that game is more important than honoring your commitment to me...

...and you don't mind me showing up all by myself...

...after I've told everybody I'll be bringing somebody...

...then fine, go home and play your game.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Thanks. Oh, listen.

I wouldn't mind a piece of birthday cake...

...provided the old gal's candle blow is clean and dry.

Here you go. I've got everything we'll need for the big game.

Low-fat turkey jerky.

Low-carb beer.

Hundred-calorie snack packs.

Pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.

Hey, I plan on leveling up in the game, not my swimsuit size...

...thank you very much.

Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice...

...between playing for the Republic and the light side...

...or the Sith Empire and the dark side.

We're always the good guys. In "D&D" we're lawful good.

In "City of Heroes" we're heroes. In "Grand Theft Auto"...

...we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.

Those women are prostitutes?

You said they were raising money for stem-cell research.

Hey, guys. I got a surprise.

Mm, if it's yogurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it.

No, Bernadette's gonna be playing with us.

So that's pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure, it is.

Wha...? You invited your girlfriend?

- This is supposed to be our weekend. - I had no choice.

She said, "Why don't we go out for brunch and maybe the arboretum?"

I said, "No, I promised the guys I was gonna play a video game with them."

She said, "Can I come?" Then I didn't answer for a second.

Then she said, "Do you not want me to come?"

Then I bought her a new laptop and the game...

...and she's parking the car now.

Is the whip-sound app contextually appropriate here?

Uh, it is, but I think you might have waited too long for it to be funny.

(WHIP CRACKS ON PHONE)

(LEONARD AND RAJESH LAUGHING)

- I was wrong. It's still funny. - Oh, good.

(CACKLES)

Oh.

- Amy, what's wrong? - My boyfriend's a jerk.

Well, I know he didn't cheat on you, so, what happened?

I had to go to my aunt's party by myself.

Everybody was like, "where's this boyfriend you talk about? Is he real?

Or did you make him up like Armin the miniature-horse breeder?"

Who's Armin the miniature-horse breeder?

The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back.

It unraveled quickly when I couldn't answer the question "How did you two meet?"

- I would've thought at a horse show. - Oh, that's good.

Mm.

I panicked and said Woodstock.

(SIGHS)

I just wanted to show Sheldon off to my family.

Sure, I get that. I mean, he's your first boyfriend and all.

Not just my first boyfriend. He's the best boyfriend. I mean, think about it.

I'm dating Sheldon Cooper.

Yes, on purpose.

He's handsome, he's lanky, he's brilliant.

His skin has that pale, waxy quality.

Well, sickly is the new sexy.

- Yeah. - Mm.

You know, Amy...

...when you're in a relationship with someone you really care about...

...the sucky part is it leaves you open to getting hurt.

Do you ever worry about Leonard doing that to you?

Ha, ha, that's hilarious. No.

Get that guy! Get that guy!

Pew, pew, pew!

Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know...

...that saying, "Pew, pew, pew," isn't as effective as pressing your blaster key.

In the same way that saying, "Whee," doesn't make the landspeeder go.

Pew!

- Raj, imperial Troopers on your tail. RAJESH: Unh. Got him.

When Gandhi advocated his philosophy of nonviolence...

...I bet he didn't know how much fun it was killing stuff.

All right, I think we got them all. Let's divide up the loot.

BERNADETTE: Ooh, look at this pretty purple robe I just got.

You should put on yours and then we'll match.

But I worked hard to get this armor, heh.

Sorry, I just thought it'd be nice if people knew we were a couple.

Fine, I'll change.

(WHIP CRACKS ON PHONE)

(CACKLES)

I don't think I wanna play a game.

They're playing one across the hall. We should too.

Okay, we are gonna take turns bouncing a quarter off the table.

If it goes into this cup, the other person has to drink.

Then you get to go again, and you ki...

- Like that? - Wow, yeah, beginner's luck.

So now I will drink this entire cup of beer...

...and you will go again and we can...

All right, so, yeah. Okay, now I'm gonna drink this entire cup.

And then I'm going to drink another one.

Okay, seriously, stop. What the hell?

I spent my childhood throwing coins into wishing wells hoping for friends.

At a certain point, you start doing trick shots to keep things interesting.

Oh, give me a second to catch up here, hold on.

(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY THROUGH WALL)

That'd be my boyfriend...

...happier playing his Star Trek game with friends than hanging out with me.

- Wars. - What?

Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.

- What's the difference? - There's absolutely no difference.

How do I get him to treat me better?

All right, let me give you a little Girlfriend 101.

Usually the first move is you withhold sex...

...but that will work better after Sheldon hits puberty.

So I'd say give him the silent treatment.

- No, he loves that. - Hmm.

Our record for sitting in a room together and not speaking...

...is six and a half hours. He said it was a magical evening.

All right, we're gonna have to go with an oldie but goodie:

- Making a scene. - I don't think I'd be good at that.

Ah. You're lucky to have me. Back in Omaha...

...there are two restaurants I'm not allowed into. Both Chili's.

Bernadette, your character is the healer in our group.

In charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.

Can't help it. My Howie-wowie has an owie. Ha, ha.

That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced.

And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.

Sheldon, I've got a bone to pick with you, and I'll do it in front of all your friends.

Yeah, you pick that bone. You pick that bone clean.

I'm gonna publicly shame you and then sit back...

...as societal pressure compels you to modify your behavior.

Oh, burn!

If you don't start treating me better, I'm leaving you...

...for a miniature-horse breeder named Armin.

- Armin who? - Armin... Damn it.

Sheldon, she wanted to show you off to her family and you stood her up, okay?

I mean, look at this adorable, smushy face.

Smush, smush, smush.

- You're hurting me. - No, Sheldon hurt you.

- Before. Now it's you. - Oh.

I think I understand.

You're the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend.

But that rings hollow if you can't lord him over others in the flesh.

I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave.

Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons...

- ...as restitution. - She doesn't want your stupid coupons...

The Science Center? Redeeming. Let's go.

Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat.

(WHIP CRACKS ON PHONE)

Oh, grow up, Leonard.

Excuse me, I have something to say.

None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend.

It was gonna be like the old days. The four of us hanging out...

...playing video games, before you guys all got girlfriends.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be the only one without a girlfriend?

Even if I get one someday...

...I'll still be the guy who got a girl after Sheldon Cooper!

And that's how a girl makes a scene.

I'm sorry. You're right. You deserve your weekend.

- Come on, Amy, let's go. - What about the Science Center?

Oh, I'll let you hold my hair while I throw up.

Rain check.

- I'm gonna go too. - I'll miss you.

- I'll miss you. - But I'll miss you more.

- No, I'll miss you... - Just leave.

Ahh. Okay, now, this is the way it's supposed to be.

Men together, fighting the forces of evil.

HOWARD: All right. - Hear, hear.

Ah.

Can't believe this is only 64 calories.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard Joel Wolowitz, I've been worried sick for two days...

...and I know you turned off your phone!

You open up this door right now, because I've had it up to here!

I have been to the morgue and the hospital...

...and I've spent the last half-hour walking up these farkakte stairs!

That's my ride. Gotta go, heh.

(WHIP CRACKS ON PHONE)