Original subtitles

- It was a nice retirement party. - I guess.

Still, it's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.

Well, what choice did the university have? He snapped.

It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.

I wonder how long Sheldon's got.

These shrimp are all the same size.

There's no logical order to eat them in.

Can't be very long.

Hey, look, there's Rothman's empty office.

- Sad. - Yeah.

- Indeed. - So sad.

Dibs.

What's up, fellas?

What are you doing here, Kripke?

Measuring my new office for drapes.

This is not your office. It hasn't been assigned yet.

I called dibs at Christmas when Rothman tried to have intercourse...

...with the Toys for Tots collection box.

Dibs? I mean, this is a university, not a playground.

Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.

- You just called dibs. - Shut it.

Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.

I arrived at the office first. I'm the proverbial early bird.

- Gentlemen. - Mr. Rothman.

- Professor Rothman. - Professor Rothman.

Good evening.

LEONARD: Good evening. - See you.

I'm glad that men are wearing hats again.

They're so distinguished.

- I got you a little something. - A little something?

Oh, it...

What? This is huge.

What's huge is what you've done for me.

Oh, no, Amy, I haven't done anything.

No, no. Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower.

But look at me now.

I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl...

...with a posse, a boyfriend...

...and a new lace bra that hooks in the front, of all things.

- Open it, open it. - Okay.

I wanted to get you something you didn't have.

Wow. I don't know what to s... Wow.

- Do you like it? - Do I like it? Wow.

So where you gonna hang it?

Oh, my Go... Hang it. Wow. Um...

You know, I'd have to get a hook and nails and a hammer, and...

- No problem. - Oh, look.

You've got... You just... You got it all right there. Wow.

I found him. He's in the bathroom.

- President Seibert? - Can't this wait?

I'm sorry, we just need a word.

Now? You realize I'm your boss and I am holding my penis.

Sheldon, give the man some privacy.

I'm sorry, this guy's got no respect for boundaries.

What do you want?

Will you tell this lunatic that Rothman's office is mine?

Take this up with your department chairman.

His assistant said he was on sabbatical.

Although, we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.

Gentlemen, there's a task I'm trying to accomplish here...

- ...and I'm having trouble doing it. - Oh, my.

President Seibert, I don't mean to be an alarmist...

...but difficulty initiating a urine stream...

...could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia.

If you're interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video...

...that'll show you how to perform your own rectal exam.

Yeah, helpful hint: Trim your nails first.

Ignore him, President Seibert.

I'm sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectly healthy prostate.

Oh, he's just trying to butter you up.

And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.

Gentlemen, I'm going to allow you to work this out...

...because, A, you're brilliant scientists...

...and, B, as far as who gets Rothman's office...

...I couldn't give the furry crack of a rat's behind.

Well, as long as we're here, I might as well take a leak.

- Kripke? - Yes?

You're in my spot.

(SIGHS)

That is big.

So big.

- And ugly. - So ugly.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know. You can't take it down. You'll break her heart.

Look at that face.

That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.

Any chance I'll learn to love it?

That depends, do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?

- All right. It's gotta go. - What will you tell Amy?

How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you're not in it?

Oh, nuh-uh. What if she gets me one?

I already have a picture of me and Howard's mom...

...getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I've suffered enough.

I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it's kind of heavy.

Too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting.

Would you look at this?

I paid $25 to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand.

He sent me a stick.

He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.

It's numbered. Heh.

Ooh. Limited edition. Nice.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Oh, that'll be Kripke. - What's he doing here?

We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen.

And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.

- Cooper. - Kripke. Come in.

I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?

Am I wearing a summer frock? No, I don't want tea.

Let's get down to brass tacks.

Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship...

- We're not friends. - Well...

...that's a little hard to hear, but all right.

As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise.

With that in mind, I propose the following.

I will take Rothman's office...

...and you will find a way to be okay with that.

How about I take Rothman's office and you go suck a lemon?

(CHUCKLES)

You sure I can't get you that cup of tea?

How about you decide this with Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock?

What the frig is that?

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock...

...was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass...

...as an improvement on the game Rock, Paper, Scissors.

All hail Sam Kass.

ALL: Hail.

How does it work?

Oh, it's very simple.

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...

...rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock...

...Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard...

...lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock...

...Spock vaporizes rock...

...and, as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...

...rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock...

...Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard...

...lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock...

...Spock vaporizes rock...

...and, as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Almost got it. One more time.

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...

Sheldon, stop. He's screwing with you.

Is he?

Well, then, seems we have reached an impasse.

I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel.

I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.

It's the 21st century, you can't have a duel.

Hang on, Howard.

Barry, how good of a shot are you?

Not pistols. Minds.

A trivia contest. And you may choose the field of battle.

Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia...

...Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyagertrivia...

...or model trains.

You have an advantage in trivia. You have an eidetic memory.

Plus, I haven't watched Star Trek...

...since I discovered the strip club near my apartment has a free buffet.

It's hard to find something you're both equally good at.

Is there anything you're equally bad at?

- Sports. - Sports.

All right, this is one-on-one, first to five wins the office.

Any questions? Yes, Sheldon.

Five what?

Balls in the basket.

(SQUEALS)

(YELLS)

That's out, right?

Time. Ran out of room.

You know those terrible things bullies used to do to us?

- Yeah? - I get it.

KRIPKE: Uhn! SHELDON: Ow!

Hey!

- He did that on purpose. - No, he didn't.

Nothing that's happening here is being done on purpose.

Okay, forget one-on-one. Let's try a free-throw contest.

First person who makes a basket wins the office.

- Making it too easy there, Hofstadter. - Nope. No, I'm not.

Use the Force, Sheldon. Use the Force.

I'm gonna need more Force.

All right, Cooper. Prepare to have your heart broken.

(BALL THUDS)

Do I get points for that?

Hah!

(SHELDON & KRIPKE GASPING & PANTING)

All right, we gave it 45 minutes.

It's no longer funny. Let's try something else.

What do you propose?

Uh... On three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can.

Highest bounce wins the office.

Oh, you are going down, Cooper.

I don't think so, Kripke.

I've bounced many a rubber ball in my day.

All right. That's enough trash talk.

One, two, three.

Sheldon was higher.

Congratulations, Sheldon, you win the office.

Who's unsatisfactory in PE now?

MAN & WOMAN (SINGING OVER TV): We go together

Like rama lama lama Ke ding a de dinga a dong

Oh, what a great movie.

I cannot believe you've never seen Grease.

My mother didn't allow me to watch it.

She was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang.

I gotta go. I gotta get up early.

My company's testing a new steroid that doesn't shrink testicles...

...and the last one there has to do the measuring.

Guess I should get going too.

Good night, painting Penny.

Good night, real Penny.

Good night, real Amy.

You don't have to say good night to painting Amy, she's never leaving.

- Good night, real Penny. - Bye.

Good night, transvestite Penny.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

Okay, let us take you off the wall.

(GRUNTS)

Out of sight, out of mind.

I wish.

Can I borrow that movie?

Those singing hooligans really got my motor running.

Sure, sure. Enjoy.

You get it back to me when you can or...

You keep it. It's just gonna be my gift to you.

Thank you. Wait... Where'd the painting go?

- It's right over there. - Why?

I have no idea. That is weird.

You hate it.

- No, no, no. It's just... it's a little big. - I feel like an idiot.

You're not an idiot. Just help me put it back up.

So you can just take it down when I leave?

- I don't need your pity. - Oh, Amy, come on.

I'm just glad I didn't go for the sculpture.

Ahh. The spoils.

I see why victors love them.

I'm happy for you, Sheldon, but I have to admit...

...I'm going to miss sharing an office with you.

Oh, of course you are.

Well, feel free to drop by any time.

- Thank you. - Yeah. Call first.

Oh, hello.

Professor Rothman.

This isn't your office anymore. You're retired.

I think the word you're looking for is "invisible."

I came to say I'm sorry.

- Don't bother. - Oh, Amy, please.

I'm so humiliated. I sat there the whole time we were watching Grease...

- ...thinking you liked the painting. - I know.

I was a fool from "summer loving"...

...to the last "rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong."

You're absolutely right.

I should have been honest and told you the gift was too much.

Yes, too much. Because our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical.

I clearly like you more than you like me.

I don't think you put a number on how much one person likes another.

I bought you a painting that's 12 square feet in area.

There's a number.

Amy, come...

if you don't like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back 3 grand.

Three gr...? Oh, my God.

Look, Amy, all you need to know is you are my friend.

I don't wanna lose you out of my life.

I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble believing you right now.

- Grab your hammer. - No, damage is done.

Okay, look, I didn't wanna say this...

...but the real reason I took the painting down...

...was because it made Bernadette very jealous.

Oh, my goodness.

How could I have not seen that?

The painting is a constant reminder that of the three of us...

...she is the least cool.

Yeah, that's what it is, so...

- You have such a good heart. - Oh. I try.

- Come on. - Well, where are we going?

We're gonna put this back up.

What about Bernadette?

Oh, screw her. She's just lucky we let her hang out with us.

(WHIRRING)

What are you doing?

I'm trying to raise the temperature in here...

...before my nipples tear through my shirt.

Why don't you just turn up the thermostat?

Aha. Good question.

It turns out that the thermostat for my new office isn't in my new office.

No, it's next door in Professor Davenport's office...

...who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

Why is there a hole here?

Why is there a hole in my new office?

I've narrowed it down to two possibilities.

There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted.

Or the more disturbing...

...there was something in the wall that wanted out.

At least you got a window that opens. That's nice.

Oh. Is it? Listen.

(WIND CHIMES TINKLING)

- What, you don't like wind chimes? - No, I hate them, but it gets worse.

(BIRD TWEETING)

- There it is. - The bird?

Yeah, it's completely out of tune with the wind chimes.

- So? - You don't get it, do you?

That's a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song...

...which means he's out of tune on purpose.

He's mocking me.

(RUMBLING)

Oh, dear, there it is again. Do you feel it?

The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.

No. The vibration.

We are directly underneath the geology lab...

...and they're running their sieve shakers again.

Hey, gravel monkeys, you need to shake rocks?

Try jiggling your heads around!

- Sheldon, relax. - How can I relax?

My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp...

...and plucked by holes and birds and wind...

...and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

If you're not happy, just let Kripke have the office.

Wait, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you?

We're trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys!

And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A.

You pick one or I'm chopping down that tree!

- How's that? - Little higher on the right.

- Now? - Little more.

No. That's got it.

Yeah, okay. That's good.

- I'll let you in on a little secret. - Mm.

Originally, we were painted nude.

But I had him add clothes because it was an unnecessary challenge...

...to our heterosexuality.

Yeah, good call.

If you change your mind, all it would take is some warm soapy water...

...and a couple of sponges.

- You're talking about the painting, right? - Sure.

SHELDON: Help! Somebody, help!

What happened?

I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.

Why would you do that?

SHELDON: It's called scientific curiosity.

Now go get butter.

Okay, okay. Hang in there. I'll be right back.