Original subtitles

Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way...

...to get young people interested in science.

Physics Mad Libs.

Now, give me a number.

- Five. - Uh-huh.

And an irrational constant.

E.

And a funny Greek letter.

- Gamma. - I said funny.

- Upsilon? - Heh, good one.

And an electrical charge.

- Positive. - Ha, ha! Perfect.

Okay, get this. Ahem.

"Professor Jones told the symposium...

...he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon.

Five times the limit of, heh...

...e to the upsilon as it approaches..."

Ha, ha, oh, my gosh. Okay.

Okay, no, no. Ahem.

I'll start over.

"Professor Jo..."

(LAUGHING)

I haven't seen him laugh that hard...

...since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.

Oh, Lord, that multiplication error.

He thought he carried the one, but he didn't.

(LAUGHING)

It's not funny. That mistake got published.

Stop, I'm gonna wet myself.

Guys. Guys, President Seibert is headed this way.

HOWARD: L wonder what he wants. - He doesn't look happy.

I'm guessing he wants Sheldon.

- Dr. Cooper. - Told you.

SHELDON: Ah, President Seibert.

I assume you'd like to respond...

...to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.

No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere.

You don't like written suggestions.

You don't like when I give them to you while in the men's room.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're one of those people...

...who are not open to suggestions.

Dr. Cooper, the Physics Department tells me you're refusing to take vacation.

- I don't need a vacation. - You're obligated to take one.

And I'd like you to know the most often received suggestion...

...in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is:

"Can Dr. Cooper take a vacation?"

Okay, it's settled, then. I'll see you all on Monday. Except for you.

But if I don't come into work, what am I supposed to do?

Read, rest, travel.

I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.

Sarcasm?

No, you should go.

(THE BLACK EYED PEAS' "I GOTTA FEELING" PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SINGING) Tonight's gonna be a good night

And tonight's gonna be a good night

And tonight's gonna be a good, good night

Tonight's the night, uh, uh Let's live it up, uh

I got my money Let's spend it up...

Good Lord.

Would you stop that caterwauling?

(PANTING)

What the hell are you doing?

Bleeding from my ears.

- What are you doing hiding back there? - I'm sneaking into work.

Now, if the guard at the university asks what's under the blanket...

...you tell him it's some lobster traps.

- Lobster traps? - Yes.

That's how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

What are you gonna do when you get to the university?

People are gonna recognize you.

(SCOFFS)

Will they, Leonard?

Fine. Just get back under your blanket and I'll drive you there.

And no more singing.

Fine.

SHELDON: I have GPS on my phone. I know you turned around.

I'm so glad you talked Howard...

...out of having your wedding invitations in Klingon.

Turn it over.

I'm hoping my relatives think it's Hebrew.

(SIGHS)

This is really happening.

I'm gonna be a maid of honor.

'I'm gonna wear a beautiful dress and walk down that aisle...

...and finally, I will have my special day.

You mean my special day.

They're gonna need an extra-large veil for somebody's head.

- If I actually ever get married. - Why wouldn't you?

My dad. Because I make a lot more money than Howie...

...he's putting a lot of pressure on me to get a prenup.

- Ouch! - Yeah.

- Howie's gonna freak out. - Parental pressure can be daunting.

I remember the battle with my mother about shaving my legs.

Last year, I finally gave in and let her do it.

I just don't know how I'm gonna break it to him.

I'm a believer in breaking bad news to a guy when you're in bed.

That's how I told my high school boyfriend I slept with his brother.

That's how I told his brother the same thing.

I don't know. I don't wanna manipulate him with sex.

Oh, sweetie, that's what sex is for.

The connection between marriage and money is nothing new.

The term "wed" referred to the money and livestock...

...the groom paid the bride's father.

For example, you're adorable, intelligent and a good earner.

I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose.

You would fetch a unicorn.

Sheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take.

What about Hawaii?

Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano...

...where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed.

Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.

How about Florida?

They got Cape Canaveral, they got Disney.

They got my Aunt Ida and the world's largest collection of diabetic candy.

And plus, if you get sweaty enough...

...her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.

My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child.

A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach.

I got the message.

If I had a week off...

...I'd go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert.

I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor...

...and you'll feel like you were born without bones.

I don't think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.

Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing Xbox?

Guys, I am living in a dictatorship.

(IN DEEP VOICE) "You must take a vacation. You must have fun. You must enjoy life."

I don't think you have a good handle on dictatorships.

Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation.

But he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new.

He went to work in his friend's biology lab.

Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist...

...part of the Manhattan Project.

Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.

Yeah, now you do too.

Oh. I have a brilliant idea. Amy's a biologist. I'll go work in her lab.

Isn't that just Feynman's idea?

Ten seconds ago you never heard of him, now you're an expert.

- Hey. - Hey, you.

That your laundry? You have six things in there.

I didn't have any quarters.

So I've been sneaking stuff into other people's loads all day.

If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anybody?

Doesn't matter what I say, you're gonna tell me anyway.

Wha...? That is not true.

Bernadette wants a prenup.

LEONARD: Wow.

That's rough.

If I became a famous movie star and we got married...

- ...you wouldn't sign a prenup? - Heh, absolutely not.

If I'm gonna be at home with the kids...

...while you're on location cheating on me with Ryan Gosling...

...then Leonard gots to get paid.

So do you think about us getting married?

I think about a lot of things.

I think about us getting married, about us breaking up.

Once in a while, I think about how I didn't leave a note on that Mercedes I dinged...

...but then I have a glass of wine and it passes.

Joke all you want, but you think about it.

Well, tell you one thing, if I ever do get married, no Klingon invitations.

Good luck catching a man with that attitude.

Boy, oh, boy, this vacation is off to a wonderful start.

The smell of formaldehyde.

The whir of the centrifuge.

The distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection.

Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.

I'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's romantic.

Way to kill the mood.

Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre...

...who spent their days working side by side...

...bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her.

Screw Beauty and the Beast, that's the love story Disney should tell.

Okay. What do we start with?

Maybe, uh, splicing some genes. Clone a sheep.

Perhaps, uh, grow a human ear on a mouse's back?

(AS MICKEY MOUSE) "Ha, ha! I'm a freak."

Well, I'm gonna be doing some brain stem histology...

...while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge...

...and wash those beakers.

Wash those b... Oh, I get it.

Little hazing for the new fellow. Yeah. Better keep an eye out for, what...

...shoe polish on the microscope...

...or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?

No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.

Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab.

You're gonna make him do the dishes?

That's like asking the incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.

Sheldon, you've never worked in a lab like this before.

You have no experience in the field of biology.

I have plenty of experience in biology.

I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998...

...and it's still alive. Let's do this.

Where's Howard?

No, "Hi, Raj," no, "How are you, Raj?"

Just straight to, "Where's the other white guy?"

I'm sorry.

So, listen, I heard something about him. Can you keep it between us?

Ooh, gossip. When I first got here...

...I thought Americans really gossiped around the water cooler.

I hung out there for a month, but the only gossip I heard...

...was about some creepy guy hanging out by the water cooler.

Bernadette wants to get a prenup.

Oh, that's a shame. He's gonna be devastated.

I never know what to do in these situations.

- Should I give him a heads up? - Hmm.

I'm gonna give you the advice I yell at the TV...

...when the Bachelor is handing out roses.

Follow your heart.

Check it out.

Look at the size of that Rice Krispie Treat. Same price, ha, ha.

Ahem, hey, Howard, I need to tell you something.

I know, it's not on my wedding diet. I don't care.

No. Listen, I heard that Bernadette's thinking about asking you for a prenup.

A prenup?

Heh, wow.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Follow your heart.

You know what? It's not a big deal.

I mean, she makes more money than me.

She wants to protect her financial interests.

- It's completely reasonable. - Good, that's a healthy attitude.

Actually, it's good for both of us. I have assets to protect too.

Like what?

Well, I've got some rare comic books.

You know, the Vespa's almost paid off.

Ma and I have a primo double cemetery plot at Mt. Sinai...

...right near the guy who played Mr. Roper on Three's Company.

Mr. Roper's dead?

You can't just spring that on a guy.

Here you go.

This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates...

...and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.

Soap spots. Wash them again.

You're being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.

This beaker used to contain cerebrospinal fluid...

...from an elephant that died of syphilis.

If it's, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.

Biologists are mean.

Perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley.

I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.

There was something wrong with that detergent.

- That was way too bubbly. - I'm sure it was.

I intend to write that soap company a strongly-worded letter.

Yeah, good for you. Now start counting.

You know what this place needs?

A suggestion box.

Three hundred sixty-six. Three hundred sixty-seven.

How's it going?

How's counting going?

When I was in kindergarten...

...I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show.

- I think I got this. - Great.

Aw, nuts.

One.

This is preposterous.

You're giving me these tasks because you're afraid...

...if you give me anything meaningful to do, I'll show you up.

Really? Is that what you think?

Yes, that's what I think.

And I'm super smart, so it's probably true.

Hey, I've been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years.

You've been here three hours and you spent one of them in the bathroom.

Well, I'm sorry, it takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.

I've given you the simplest things to do and you haven't done one of them right.

That's because I'm not being challenged.

It's the same reason Einstein failed math.

Maybe the math was too bubbly for him.

You think you're doing science by cutting up that brain?

They could do the same at Quiznos.

And they'd offer to toast it for me too.

Okay, smart guy.

I'm about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work.

Have at it.

All right.

I'm no stranger to a little gray matter.

(SHELDON SNIFFS)

Locus coeruleus.

You're getting warmer. It is indeed in the brain.

Hope your hands are steady. It's the width of a single hair.

But this is just biology, so it's no problem for a genius like you.

It's not. I will have you know in the field of physics we work...

...with particles so small they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus...

...i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house...

...it sits around the house.

Oh.

- Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper? - No.

What you see is a man trembling with confidence.

Does the locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?

No, but your thumb does.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, you're a biologist.

What are you doing here?

I'm on vacation.

Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole.

Social convention is stupid.

What happened to your thumb?

Yeah, I have ten fingers and ten toes.

If I tell you a story about each of them, we'll be here all day. Let's move on.

- What can I get you? - Ah.

Seeing as I'm on vacation, a piña colada seems appropriate.

Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream...

...extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum.

Don't let me have too many of those.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

We're grown men. We drink at bars, heh.

No and no.

Everything okay with you and Bernadette?

Oh, yeah, sure.

- You and Amy? Good? - Oh, better than good.

Those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens.

I'm not signing a prenup.

All right, Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you.

You are the luckiest man alive.

If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else.

Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting.

And you.

A grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.

Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. You...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Amy. Amy.

Amy.

What do you want?

I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory.

After all, I did book the whole week.

Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here...

...after the way you behaved yesterday?

I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.

- That's not an apology. - That is your opinion.

I want a real apology.

- I'm sorry that you weren't able to... - No.

- That my genius got... - No.

- That the soap was so... - Sheldon.

Fine.

Sorry.

You're forgiven.

Now, if you wanna stay...

...get started on those beakers. They're still dirty from yesterday.

Next year, I'm going to Epcot.

Are you mad at me?

No. I'm not mad at you.

I just wish you would've come to me...

...so I didn't have to hear it through the nerd-vine.

So, what are we gonna do?

- You really want me to sign a prenup? - I don't know.

My dad's pretty insistent on it, though.

Why don't I talk to your dad?

- Man to man. - Really?

- Oh, that'd be so great. Heh. - Done.

I should probably give you a heads up about a couple things.

Even though he's retired from the police force, he still carries his gun.

But don't worry, he won't shoot it. It's more of a fashion statement.

Okay, heh.

And just to be safe, when you talk to him...

...don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners...

...foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control...

...organic food, the designated hitter rule...

...recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.

Got it, got it. Will you e-mail me that list, heh?

So the thing to watch for, if he's shouting at you, you're okay.

But if he starts to get real quiet...

...leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact.

Not in a straight line, throw some zigs and zags in there.

(SIGHS)

You know, this isn't that pressing.

Why don't I talk to him about it in May, heh?

In May you're gonna be on the International Space Station.

They got a phone.