Original subtitles

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hey. - Oh, hey. You work the lunch shift?

Yeah. Got 8 pounds of salmon that's about to go bad.

- Do you know how to cook it? - Not really.

PENNY: Damn it. Should've liberated the iffy chicken.

So, what are you and Professor Fussyface up to tonight?

Star Wars on Blu-ray.

Haven't you seen that movie a thousand times?

Not on Blu-ray.

Only twice on Blu-ray.

Oh, Leonard. Ugh.

LEONARD: I know. It's high-resolution sadness.

Well, I was gonna take myself out to a movie tonight.

You wanna go?

- Really? Do we do that? - What do you mean?

You know, we haven't spent time alone together since we broke up.

It's not a date, Leonard. It's a man and a woman hanging out...

...not having sex at the end of the night.

LEONARD: Sounds like most of my dates.

SHELDON: Oh, dear Lord. Get away from me, you monster.

What is that about?

He's smart and crazy enough. He may have actually created a monster.

Shoo, shoo.

Be gone.

What the hell is going on?

There's a bird outside the window and he won't go away.

That is the hell that is going on.

We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.

Really? On top of everything else, you're afraid of birds?

It's called ornithophobia, and someday it will be recognized as a true disability...

...and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building.

Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.

So movies, yes or no?

- Oh, movies, yes. PENNY: Mm.

Great. I'll see you later. And remember, he's more afraid of you...

- ...than you are of him. - That doesn't help.

PENNY: Oh.

I was talking to the bird.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Go away, bird. Go away, bird. Go away, bird.

Sheldon, just ignore him.

Good idea. Attention is what birds want.

Oh.

Much better. All right.

Now I'll just get along with my life.

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

Make a pot of tea, Leonard, it's gonna be a long night.

(MIMICKING CAT MEOWING)

(MIMICS CAT HISSING)

Bird still there?

- Quick, what does a hawk sound like? - I don't know, uh...

Scree, scree.

Please, that's a seagull. If you're not going to help, don't help.

Sorry. Hey, do you think I'm over-dressed?

Uh, it depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes.

If you're playing Vegas, I'd add sequins.

I'm going to the movies with Penny.

I don't want her to think I think it's a date.

- Do you think it's a date? - No.

But she might think I think it's a date, even though I don't.

Or you think she thinks you think it's a date.

- Are we over-thinking this? - Not at all.

- You're right. I'm fine. I'm wearing this. - Really? A blazer? All right.

Yes, hello. Uh, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

I'm at 2311 North Los Robles Avenue.

I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal.

A blue jay.

I'm sorry, this is Animal Control. I don't understand the laughter.

No, the bird is not in my home.

If he was in my home, I obviously would've called 911.

I have no doubt that there are things that you're frightened of.

Uh, being stuck in a dead-end public service job.

Or your wife stepping out on you...

...because you're stuck in a dead-end public service job.

Or spiders.

Don't you think I tried making cat noises?

Too casual?

For an audience with the Queen, yes.

For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a trash can...

...you look great.

(MEOWS AND HISSES)

What am I thinking? Whiskers.

Oh, hey, if we hurry we can make the Jennifer Aniston movie.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, uh, there's also an amazing documentary...

...about building a dam on a river in South America.

Okay, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston.

And she's not building a dam.

- Can't argue with that. I'll get the tickets. - Okay.

Actually, you know what?

I think it's about time I pick a movie we see.

Wha...? You picked plenty of movies.

No, you always picked and it was always the same.

An hour and a half of beach houses...

...until the woman turns around and realizes love was here all along.

Come on, that is a great movie. And it starts in ten minutes.

But I hate those movies.

- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.

The only reason I went is because you wanted to see them and I wanted sex.

To this day I can't see a Sandra Bullock poster...

...without getting both bored and aroused.

So while we were going out, how often would you pretend...

...to like things just to have sex with me?

All the time.

You're kidding.

Does this sound familiar?

"I'd love to go shoe shopping with you."

"Hiking, it's great."

"it's 2 a.m., of course, I wanna go to Koreatown...

...and sing karaoke with your friends. Who wouldn't?"

Okay. We were going out. You were gonna get sex anyway.

Really? You would've slept with me after a three hour documentary on dams?

No. No woman would.

See, now, that's the great thing. We're out as friends.

This is not a date. Sex is off the table.

So let's go learn why hydroelectric power...

...might not be the environmental bargain you think it is.

Sorry, spoiler alert.

- Ugh. All right. Fine. - Thanks.

Uh, tickets are 11 bucks.

Not a date.

Come on, Sheldon. Star Wars.

I'm pushing play. I mean it.

Yeah, if we don't start soon, George Lucas is gonna change it again.

This would go a lot faster if you put your diploma to work...

...and help me set up this high-frequency tone generator.

I have a master's degree from MIT.

Yeah, but you've got a can-do attitude, and that's what's important.

I really don't get your problem with birds.

The question you should be asking is, what is their problem with me?

My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller...

...to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.

Hummingbirds are pretty.

Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.

Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo.

Or a dolphin. I go back and forth.

Age 7, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree.

Age 12, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth.

Age 16, a parrot in a pet store calls me fat ass.

Need I go on?

Yes, please. This is way better than the movie, heh.

All right, Sheldon. Your bird death ray is ready.

It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off.

Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here.

I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me...

...for not using my death ray.

All right. And in three, two, one.

(HIGH-PITCH TONE)

RAJESH: That is one tough birdie.

(CHUCKLING) Come on, you enjoyed the movie.

I saw you tearing up when the village flooded and everyone had to relocate.

No, I was thinking how come they get to leave and I can't.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna get some fries. You want anything?

- Uh, no, thanks. - Are you sure?

Because you always say no, and then you eat half my fries.

I just eat the little crispy ones you don't like.

No, I love them. I save them for the end, but they're gone because you ate them.

And why did I let you eat them?

- To get sex. - Exactly.

But this is not a date.

So I ask again. Would you like anything?

- All right. I'd like an order of fries. - Great. That'll be 5 dollars.

I am having the best time.

I'm so glad you suggested we do this.

- Oh. Sorry. - No problem.

- What you writing there? - Uh, a screenplay.

It's about a guy whose roommate is having sex and tells him to go...

...and work on his screenplay.

"I Hope Alex Gets Crabs: The Movie."

- It's a working title. - Oh. Ha, ha.

- I'm Kevin. - Oh, Penny.

Nice to meet you.

- I'll let you get back to your date. - Oh, no, no. This isn't a date. No.

Right?

Uh, right.

So have you written anything I might have seen?

That depends. How much time do you spend on Yelp?

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING ON TV)

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

This is ridiculous.

I'm a grown man from Texas.

This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose.

It's just a blue jay.

That's a pretty big blue jay.

One, two, three.

Go. Shoo.

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

Bird in the apartment. Bird in the apartment.

No!

So it is an amazing documentary.

They need electricity from the dam...

...but at the same time, they wanna preserve the environment.

You're kidding me.

- Uh, can I see you for a sec over here? - Oh, sure. Just one sec?

No problem.

- What's up? - I know what you're doing.

- What? - You're going to talk to that guy...

- ...because I said we weren't on a date. - I'm talking to him because he's cute.

- Uh, come on. He's not that cute. - Yes, he is...

...with his dorky T-shirt and his little hipster glasses.

I wear dorky T-shirts and glasses.

Yes, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically.

- So, what if I start talking to a girl? - You should.

- Yeah, heh. I'm serious, I'll do it. - Good, go.

There's some girls right over there.

- What are you waiting for? - They're in a group. I'm scared.

Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?

You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things.

That's a living thing. Get cracking.

I specialize in microorganisms and Amy studies brains.

Yeah, neither of us minored in bird shooing.

Oh, come, now. Your undergraduate work...

...must've included a varmints and critters class.

Come back in, Sheldon. He's not gonna hurt you.

He looks friendly. I think he might be someone's pet.

What? No, Bernadette. Don't be a hero.

- Aw, he's a sweetie. - Yes. He's very sweet.

Now slowly and carefully flush him down the toilet.

Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it.

Just like you did with the mailman.

Every year, tens of people around the world are killed by birds.

I'm not going to be another statistic.

Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi.

Come on, you can do it.

Don't be scared.

(GASPS)

Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby.

(GASPS)

I did it, heh.

I actually did it.

Okay, now flush him.

So, Leonard, what do you do for fun?

Um, let's see.

Hiking.

Karaoke in Koreatown.

Any Jennifer Anniston movie.

- Hey, sorry I ditched you. - No, it's fine. Ditch away.

Oh, no. We were gonna hang out. Let's hang out.

- It's cool. Go back to Kevin. - No, he had to leave.

Interesting.

So now that he's gone, you wanna hang out with me.

- This must be Penny. - Yep.

I totally get it.

- Uh, I'm sorry. Get what? - Don't worry about it.

There's guys over there. Go talk to them.

- No, no. I wanna know what you told her. - That's kind of between me and...

- Laura. - Laura.

Oh, okay, I see. So while he was telling you things...

...did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?

- Really? - Yeah. Wears them.

Not just for Halloween.

Hey, pal.

You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars...

...were only fought in winter.

Okay, then I'll return the favor...

- ...and I won't tell... - Laura.

...Laura that half the dirty movies you own are animated.

When you were telling Kevin about your acting career...

...did you mention your long-running role as waitress...

...in a local production of The Cheesecake Factory?

Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?

Oh, yeah? Spell asthma.

A-S...

Take me home.

Maybe I'm not done hanging out...

You're right, it's getting late.

It's remarkable.

All that time spent in fear. For what?

He's magnificent.

Ah! Oh, dear. I just realized I haven't offered you a beverage.

Aw, it's just like my grandma with her parrot.

And after she lost her marbles, with her remote control.

My phone's on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together.

Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad and a calendar.

If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey Dovey.

Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal.

You're just my little Lovey Dovey, aren't you?

I guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

I still think he looks like someone's pet.

Maybe we should put up posters.

Yes, it should have a big picture of him and the words:

"Is this your bird? Not anymore."

We're gonna have so much fun together.

You can carry messages to all my enemies.

And, um...

I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.

If you're keeping him, I've got a cage you can borrow.

One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck.

It was both tragic and hysterical.

Nonsense. No, Lovey Dovey doesn't sleep in a cage.

No, Lovey Dovey sleeps in his very own nest...

...which I'm going to get off the window sill and put in my room.

Isn't that right, L.D.?

No.

Where are you going?

Come back, Lovey Dovey. This is your home now.

I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon.

- He's gone. - I'm sorry, Sheldon.

How could he do this to me?

Get back here you stupid bird so I can love you!

(PENNY SIGHS)

(BOTH SIGH)

Okay, so we went out, saw a movie...

...met some nice people, said horrible things about each other in public.

All in all, a pretty magical night.

PENNY: Okay, I'm not innocent in all this, but you basically called me stupid...

...you asthmatic dumb-ass.

I know, uh, I crossed the line. And I'm sorry.

And no, no, uh, I really mean it. It's not like when we were going out...

...I'd just apologize for everything so we could end up in bed.

This is a 100 percent "sex is off the table" I'm sorry.

All right. Thank you. I'm sorry too.

Just to be clear, sex is off the table, right?

Way off.

Maybe we're not ready to hang out as friends.

I don't know. Up until the last part...

...I was enjoying take-charge Leonard with a little backbone.

Picking the movie, knowing what he wants, a little cocky.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, then, I'm putting sex back on the table.

(LEONARD CHUCKLES)

What do you think about that?

Hmm, maybe I like it.

If that's what you like, I can be that guy. I'll be anything you want me to be.

Good night, Leonard.

(LEONARD SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES)

I am such an asthmatic dumb-ass.

I had a weird night.

Mine was great.

I'm going to be a mommy.