All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory S5E06 - The Rhinitis Revelation

So, what kind of cruise is this
you're going on?

It's called
the Born Again Boat Ride.

Christian Quarterly gave it
their highest rating: Five thorny crowns.

I do wish you'd come with me,
Sheldon.

Oh, well, Mom, if I did,
it would be conclusive proof...

...that your God can work miracles.

You're missing out. It's gonna be
wall-to-wall fun. It's all themed.

There's Jonah-and-the-whale
watching.

All you can eat
Last Supper Buffet.

And my personal favorite,
Gunning with God.

What's Gunning with God?
I'm afraid to ask, heh.

Oh, it is a hoot and a half.

You write your sins
on a clay pigeon...

...they fire them up in the air, and you
pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun...

...full of our Lord's forgiveness.

Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see
how advanced your group has become...

...willing to sail out into the ocean
without fear of falling off the edge.

For example, if Shelly was aboard,
he'd write "smart mouth" on his pigeon.

And then: Bam!

The Lord giveth
and the Lord bloweth away.

Well, Mom, according to my itinerary
for our weekend together...

- ...the fun begins with fried chicken.
- Sounds delicious.

Good, because I got you everything
you need to make it.

You are in for a treat.

My mother's fried chicken
is why we had to buy my dad...

...the extra-large coffin.

Sheldon, she just got off the plane.
She doesn't wanna cook.

Of course she does.

Making me food is her way of saying
"I love you."

Making me food when too tired...

...is her way of saying
"I really love you."

I wouldn't mind going out
for a bite, Sheldon.

Won't that spoil our appetites
for the chicken you're gonna make?

All right.
We're going out. You like sushi?

There's a great place down the street.

I've never had it, but there's no harm
in trying something new.

There's a lot of harm
in trying something new.

That's why we test out drugs
and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

Sheldon, you're talking
like a crazy person.

Actually, I had him tested as a child.

Doctor says he's fine.

- Told you.
- I do regret not following up...

...with that specialist in Houston.

(ALL GREETING IN JAPANESE)

Stop yelling.

I'm not happy about this.

What's the last thing
you were ever happy about?

The prospect of fried chicken.

This is exciting.

Back home, the diner
on Route 4 serves sushi...

...but it's just cut up fish sticks
and a side of Uncle Ben's.

They put it on the menu in those kung fu
letters, but that don't make it sushi.

Uh, "Kung fu letters"
might not be politically correct.

Oh, I thought the one
we couldn't say was "ching chong."

Yeah, yeah, that too.

So, Shelly, what's up with you
and your friend Amy...

...if you don't mind
a mother prying a bit?

Well, there's actually big news
on the Amy front.

She's been studying the neurobiology
of addiction in lower animals.

She's this close to getting a starfish
hooked on cocaine.

You have any idea
what's going on with those two?

Hmm. It's kind of like
the Loch Ness monster.

Maybe there's something there,
maybe there isn't. We'll never know.

But sometimes it's fun to creep
yourself out thinking about it.

How are you doing
on the young lady front?

I hear you're in some sort
of a long-distance situation?

Uh. Yeah, it's Raj's sister.

It's kind of tough. She's in India.

Her parents aren't happy
she's dating someone white.

Oh, that's a funny turn, isn't it?

Because you... You never think about it
going the other way.

Well, you can't force things.

Figure out if you're in a relationship or if
you're just calling it one. Like they say:

"A cat can have kittens in the oven,
but that don't make them biscuits."

That reminds me of another saying:

"You can lead a chicken to Crisco,
but you can't make your mother fry it."

You pester me one more time
about chicken...

...I will put you over my knee
right here in this restaurant.

Please pester her. Please, for me.

Mrs. Cooper,
what did you think of the sushi?

Good. The only thing that would have
made it better, if it was cooked.

And if it was beef.

Sheldon, when is your landlord
gonna fix the elevator?

SHELDON:
I don't know.

Lately, we've been talking
about converting it into a missile silo.

Your son seems to think we need to
launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.

SHELDON:
Get them before they get us.

Hey, look who decided to show up.

Raj, what are you doing?

Well, I couldn't find you guys
so I bought six new friends.

Three, sadly, are dead.

Mom, you remember Rajesh?
Rajesh, my mother.

Of course. Mrs. Cooper.
So nice to see you again.

Well, it's so nice to see you too. Heh.

I thought it was our Indians
that had the occasional alcohol problem.

We don't say that, either.

I'll make you a list.

Oh, that would be
mighty white of you.

So, Raj, what pain
are you trying to cover up...

...with alcohol?

- Nothing, I'm fine.
- Are you?

(WHIMPERING)
No.

That's better.
Now, tell me what's bothering you.

I'm so lonely.

Oh, yes, born alone, die alone.
It's a tragic human condition.

Now, Raj,
if you'll excuse my mother...

...she's about to make a pecan pie
that'll be so good...

...I'll almost forget how she blew it
with the fried chicken.

Sheldon, your friend is hurting.

What do we do
when someone's hurting?

Offer them a hot beverage.

When they're drunk as a skunk,
what beverage do we offer?

Coffee.

And what do we do it with?

Now, you listen to me.

I know you feel
like you can't find someone...

...but there's a lock for every key.

Back home, there's a girl works
at the Walmart. Tall, tall girl.

Woman could hunt geese with a rake.

Thought she'd never find a man,
then one day, wouldn't you know...

...Harlem Globetrotters come to town.

Long story short,
today that woman travels the world...

...with a semiprofessional
basketball player...

...and two beautiful
mixed-race babies.

I didn't get a lot of that
because of your accent...

...but the general tone was soothing
and somehow I feel better. Ha, ha.

I'm not gonna get my pecan pie,
am I?

You want some Oreos?

- Double Stuf?
- No, it's regular.

Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

I'm glad we're finally getting to do
something together, just the two of us.

Sure. One thing you really miss
when you're on vacation is laundry.

Careful,
you're using too much Downy.

You know if my clothes
get too soft it makes me sleepy.

Well, this takes me back. Me doing
your laundry, you next to me criticizing.

It is nice, isn't it?

(GASPS)

Mrs. Cooper.

- Hi.
- Oh, hello, darling.

Sheldon, you didn't tell me
your mom was coming.

It was in my weekly e-mail blast.

Right between
"Beet season is finally here"...

...and "Uh-oh, red stool from beets
leads to cancer scare."

- So how have you been?
- Good, good.

Leonard has a new girlfriend.
How are you doing with all that?

Oh, fine. You know, it's, been a while.
I'm getting back out there.

Let me ask you, when you get back
out there, are you wearing this?

Well, it's super cute on.

That top has paid for itself in free drinks,
like, 10 times what it cost.

Yes, Penny has a lot of money
tied up in promiscuity futures.

Hon, you think maybe the reason
why you're having trouble...

...finding a guy is because you're letting
them ride the roller coaster...

...without buying a ticket?

Oh, they don't always get to ride
the roller coaster.

Sometimes they only get to spin
the teacups.

I'm going out. Would it be crazy to ask
you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?

Oh, not crazy at all.
And don't beat yourself up.

When I was your age,
you could have me for a car ride...

- ...and a bottle of strawberry wine.
- Ha, ha.

Yeah, that will not be
in this week's e-mail blast.

So this spring, I get to go
to the International Space Station.

Oh, my word, a trip to the heavens.

If you ever wanna live there eternally,
I've got a good book you could read.

I watch the Charlie Brown
Christmas Special every year...

...so I get the gist.

I bet your mom is really proud of you.

Nope. She says if I don't back out,
she's gonna go on a hunger strike.

Um, it would take years before she'd be
in any kind of danger, but still.

I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom.

I'm taking you to see
Saul Perlmutter give a lecture...

...about his Nobel Prize-winning
work in cosmology.

And the best part is,
at the Q and A afterward...

...I've worked up a couple of
Q's that will stump his sorry A.

I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could
do a little sightseeing.

What sight is better than your little boy
embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

Come on, we'll take your mom
to see the Hollywood sign...

...the Wax Museum,
the Walk of Fame.

Ooh. Maybe a little Rodeo Drive.

Well, I can't spend $12,000
on a handbag...

...but it's free to look upon those
who do with righteous condemnation.

- What do you say?
- What do I say?

I say you people need to stop ruining
my mom's visit with your sushi...

...and your sadness
and your slutty shirts.

Stop it.

He's not talking about your shirt.
Your shirt is fine.

These are delicious.

The trick to pancakes is bacon grease.
I cook everything in it.

Everything?
Aren't you worried about your health?

Doctors are always changing
their mind.

One week bacon grease
is bad for you.

Next week
we're not getting enough of it.

Good morning, Shelly.

Mom, I want to apologize
for my behavior last night.

Apology accepted.

Great. Now, you're gonna love
the Perlmutter lecture.

Look, he will be stating that the universe
is older than 6000 years...

...but you could stick
your fingers in your ears...

...and hum "Amazing Grace"
during those parts.

I am still going out with your friends.

But I apologized.

And that was hard for me
because I didn't do anything wrong.

Shelly, I hung out with you
in enough dusty lecture halls...

...while you were growing up.
I wanna go sightseeing.

So why don't you have some pancakes,
get dressed and come with us.

I'm not going, and you can't make me.

You're right, I can't. Have a nice day.

Well, I'm going to stand here
until you change your mind.

Then you are gonna stand there
all day.

I'm just gonna take my bacon grease
and slide over there.

I can't believe my own mother
is abandoning me.

I am not abandoning you.

Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you
in a basket on a church doorstep.

I am going to Hollywood
and thank a wax Ronald Reagan...

...for his service to our country.

We appear to be at a crossroads
in our relationship, Mother.

- Well, I guess we are.
- Sorry. Syrup.

All right, Mom. When you're at
the Ripley's Believe it Or Not Museum...

...if they have an exhibit about a mother
who threw away a chance...

...to spend a day with the world's
most wonderful son, believe it, it's true.

I hadn't...

That lecture was a waste of time.

I made more accurate diagrams
of the expansion of the early universe...

...on the nursery wall
with the contents of my diaper.

(COUGHS)

Are you getting sick?

No, I'm just allergic to people who get
Nobel Prizes for no good reason.

Sheldon, is it possible
that your foul mood or...

...to use the clinical term, bitchiness...

...is because your mother
isn't making you a priority?

No. Or to use the clinical term: Nuh-uh.

Are you sure?
The infant-mother pair-bond...

...is the building block
of primate psychology.

Oh, there it is. It always comes back
to monkeys with you.

Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

Sheldon, we're all animals.

There are aspects of you
that are extraordinary...

...but when it comes to relationships,
you're like everybody else.

Are you trying to suggest
that my emotional problems...

...are no different
than those of a stupid person?

Actually, some research indicates
that by not overthinking...

...the less intelligent
handle emotions better.

(SNEEZES THEN GRUNTS)

Sure you're not coming down
with a cold?

Oh, yes, the common cold.
Just like everyone else.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Oh, this one's sweet.

You know, for your rosary rattlers.

Mrs. Cooper, we say "Catholics,"
not "rosary rattlers."

My goodness, it's a wonder
you people in California can talk at all.

This is like the worst Hollywood
tour ever.

Now, dude, she wanted to see churches.

Hey, they have wine here, don't they?

Hey, none of our gods
have abs like that.

Yep, that's the last Jew
who did sit-ups.

And look where it got him.

Hey, while we're here,
why don't we all do some praying?

Let's put a little church in this church.

Oh, I'm not sure we should...

It's easy. I'll show you how.

Lord, Mary Cooper here. Coming to you
from Gomorrah, California.

I want to thank you
for the blessing that is my little Shelly.

I also want to thank you
for the continued strength...

...not to coldcock him with my Bible.

All right, Penny, your turn.

Okay, um, ahem. Hey, God. What's up?

Um. I'm good, but it would be a big help
to my family...

...if you could get my brother
to stop cooking meth.

But no cops. Be cool.

She also goes a little overboard
on the "love thy neighbor."

Could probably use that chat
you had with Mary Magdalene.

Leonard, you're up.
Wasserman, you're on deck.

Okay. I don't know.

It's probably a little late to ask you
to make me taller.

Oh, um...

If you could help out with my girlfriend.
She's all the way in India.

- That would be great.
- Hear that? Girl trouble.

Turns out we were both wrong
on that front.

- How about you?
- Uh, me? No. Thanks, I'm good.

I'm really just trying not to burst
into flames. Heh.

Rajesh?

Uh, he says he's having trouble
dropping those last five pounds.

Huh. I might have gone
with the talking-to-girls thing.

(CHUCKLES)

No, you only get one wish.

Look at the two of us.

Me, a highly regarded physicist.

The kind of mind that comes along once,
maybe twice in a generation.

You, the common man...

...tired from your labors
as a stockbroker...

...or vacuum cleaner salesman,
or bootblack.

But deep down inside...

...apparently we're
just two peas in a pod.

Uh, a regular pea...

...and the kind of pea that comes along
once, maybe twice in a generation.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Rain. Another great equalizer.

Falling on the head of the brilliant
and the unremarkable alike.

Smarty-pants.

- Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
- You take notes, darling.

The real way to get a man is with melted
cheese and cream of mushroom soup.

He'll die at 50,
but his love will be true.

Brr.

I need a tissue. This one got wet.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Yeah, I've learned something today.

You and I, in so many ways...

...other than intelligence
and what counts, we're the same.

(SNEEZES)

Sweetheart, are you sick?

I hope so, because if this is well,
life isn't worth living.

Sugar pie, you are burning up.
We've got to get you to bed.

- Okay.
- Don't worry.

Mama's here to take care of her baby.

And just to be clear, only her baby
and not these other people.

Of course.

Can I have tea with honey
and toast with the crust cut off?

- You can have whatever you want.
- Brr. Thanks, Mom. You're the best.

Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you,
you didn't have hair on your chest.

I know, it filled in last year.

I didn't get to spend a lot of time
with you on this visit.

And whose fault was that?

(SIGHS)

Yours.

Shelly, you're not 8 years old anymore.
We have to have a different relationship.

No, we don't.

- The one we have works great.
- Sweetheart, you are a grown man.

Or maybe I'm part of a new species
that lives for years...

...which means
I'm still basically a toddler.

Oh, I so should have taken you
to Houston.

Does this mean
you're not going to sing "Soft Kitty"?

No, I will always sing you
"Soft Kitty."

(SINGING)
Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur

- Were we supposed to take that pie out?
- Get out!

Well, that was rude.

Well, I know, but he means well.

Sing.

(SINGING)
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...

What are you trying to pull, Mom?

From the top.

This is what I'm talking about.

(SINGING)
Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur