Original subtitles

SHELDON: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss-covered door.

You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face...

...with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre.

What do you do?

I say, "Hey, Ma, what's for dinner?"

Seventeen.

The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass.

By the by, I liked it too.

How go the wedding plans, Howard?

Great. Spent five hours last night at Macy's registering for gifts.

I'm finally gonna have that earthenware asparagus dish I've always wanted, heh.

See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9000 miles away.

I can spend my nights doing whatever I want.

Like playing nerd games with us...

...and then taking a suspiciously long shower?

Maybe.

We enter the dungeon.

You see a dragon.

Really? So we're playing Dungeons and Dragons.

And we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon?

- Isn't that a little on the nose? - When you play Chutes and Ladders...

...do you complain about all the chutes and the ladders?

Are you gonna eat that whole pie?

Maybe. Why not?

Who do I have in my life to watch my figure for?

Oh, God, did you watch Bridget Jones again?

No, it's just that everybody's got someone.

Sheldon's with Amy, Howard's getting married...

- ...you're dating my sister. - Now that Howard's getting married...

...maybe he'll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you, heh.

You know who I blame for my loneliness?

The United States of America.

Your movies and your TV shows...

...promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas.

Eat another pie, you'll have your own bazongas.

That's cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips.

Gentlemen, please focus.

- You're facing a fire-breathing dragon. - Unh, I don't know if I wanna play anymore.

Because you don't have a girlfriend? If that becomes a reason...

...not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.

Now, I assume we use this same wax later on...

...to neaten up each other's bikini regions.

Yeah, my bikini region is fine.

Who's shocked? I'm not.

(GIGGLES)

So, Bernadette, how's the wedding planning going?

And I'm not asking as a prospective bridesmaid.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Pick me. Pick me.

We went cake tasting yesterday.

Raj came along.

He cried and ate half the samples.

Oh, poor guy. He's so lonely. We should set him up with someone.

You know, I met a really cute girl at work.

She's married to a guy in one of our drug trials.

Well, hello? She's married, heh.

Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure...

...and a little birdie told me he's in the placebo group.

Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat.

- You ready to order? - One moment.

I'm conducting an experiment.

With Dungeons and Dragons dice?

Yes. From here on in...

...I've decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice.

Thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best...

...enlighten and amaze.

Page 14, item seven.

So, what's for dinner?

A side of corn succotash.

Hmm, interesting.

Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please?

Ugh, I don't wanna show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.

Uh, no, that's not it. Just come with me, please?

Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with.

A pitcher of margaritas.

Do you really want that?

That's the great thing. It doesn't matter.

My mind is freed up to think about more important things.

What's it thinking about now?

Hamburgers and lemonade.

Um, Raj, there's someone I want you to meet.

This is my friend, Emily. I know her from spin class.

No. Raj, relax. She can't hear you. She's deaf.

Emily, this is our friend Raj.

- Heh. - Aw.

Look at you guys, just hitting it off. I am so good.

Hi.

She says, "it's nice to meet you."

Did she really mean that or was she signing it sarcastically?

Raj says, "It's nice to meet you too." Heh.

Uh, she says she has to go back to her family.

But Penny has her number if you wanna text her and get together.

Okay, I'm gonna play it cool.

Tell her, "Maybe. Whatever, babe."

He'll text you, heh.

Huh. Look at that. I have a date.

I love America again.

And now for dessert.

Come on, hot fudge sundae. Come on, hot fudge sundae.

Bam! That's what I'm talking about.

Okay. As soon as she gets here, so she knows I'm cool with it...

...I'm going to make a joke about her being deaf.

(GROANS)

I was thinking, "Hey, did you hear the one about...?

Oh, no, I bet you didn't."

Maybe we should revisit your lonely, fat guy plan, heh.

Oh, she's here.

No joke.

- She's sorry she's late. - Oh, tell her it doesn't matter.

Tell her her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies...

...in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens.

Really? That's the first thing you wanna say?

- I worked on it all night. Use it. - I don't know the sign for "opalescent."

- Then spell it. - I don't know how to spell it.

You're blowing this for me.

He likes your eyes, heh.

You're making me sound like a caveman.

"Thank you, you have nice eyes too."

Really? Ask her how many children she wants...

...and whatever number she says, say, "Me too."

No.

Fine. Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice like James Earl Jones.

She doesn't know what James Earl Jones sounds like.

Great. Then she won't know I'm lying.

Let's see, what else can I tell you about me that would make you like me?

Uh...

Oh, I love music.

Do you love music?

You really wanna ask her that?

Oh. You're right. Heh, everyone loves music.

She says, "Do you play an instrument?"

No, but when I was 6 years old...

...I tried to start a boy band called Frankie Goes to Bollywood.

But I couldn't get any other boys to join...

...so my parents asked the servants to be my backup dancers.

Wait, when you sign servants, don't sign it like I'm bragging.

Sign it in a way that I sound humble, with just a hint of:

"That's right, I had servants."

- Do you hear yourself? - Yes, but she doesn't.

So get signing, hand monkey.

I think I wrote a letter to Santa Claus every day.

And then on Christmas morning...

...under the tree is a little puppy with a red ribbon.

(RAJ CHUCKLES)

- What are you doing? - Texting Bernadette I'm gonna be late.

- Dude, what is she saying? - It's a funny story about a puppy.

Just smile and laugh.

(LAUGHS)

- Quick, stop smiling. - What? Why?

The puppy died. It choked on a doll head. Sad face, sad face.

It's a little hard to see with the city lights...

...but that W-shaped constellation is Cassiopeia.

And she was the mother of Andromeda, who's over there.

Look, pretty stars.

This is her car, heh.

She hopes she can see you again sometime.

Good, good. Uh...

Oh, boy, uh, help me out here. Does she want me to kiss her or not?

I speak sign language, I don't read minds.

- If you were me, would you kiss her? - Yeah, but I'm the make-out king.

I was so smooth on that date.

(ENGINE STARTS)

You? I made you smooth. You were an idiot.

Whatever, dude. She kissed me.

Yeah, well, it might have been on your lips but it was my kiss.

Fine. Let's agree she kissed both of us.

Okay.

Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.

Don't thank me. Thank the dice.

They told me what percentage of my face to shave.

Why are you still doing this?

Because it's working.

In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions...

...I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals...

...and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider...

...has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.

You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.

The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.

- Is Raj out with Emily again? - Yeah. Every night for the last month.

Wow. I can't believe he has a girlfriend.

Me neither.

Here's some other fun news on the Raj-Emily front.

He gave her a pair of diamond earrings and leased her a car.

You're kidding.

- Think she's taking advantage of him? - Oh, of course not.

She wouldn't do something like that. She's deaf.

Deaf women can't be gold diggers?

Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that.

I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.

Could you tell us?

Let's see.

Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.

Wait. Hang on. Doubles. Roll again.

Okay, get this.

It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts...

...because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

- What do you mean "vastly wealthy"? - Well, "wealthy" means a lot of money.

"Vastly" means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up.

I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.

No, you're wrong. As you know, a few years ago...

...I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public.

Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj.

The Koothrappalis aren't just rich, they're Richie Rich rich.

Well, so how much is that?

About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.

The last time we went to the zoo...

...that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude but I need to go call Raj's sister...

...who I love so much.

Ahem, so vastly much.

Okay, so he's got money, and it's a few gifts, and a car.

And she got him to pay off all her credit cards.

What? He paid off her credit cards?

Damn it, I could have dated Raj for a couple months.

But I wouldn't have because I'm not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.

He's not gonna listen, he's in love.

Can't figure out what to do? I remember those days.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to...

...stay right here.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

- This is a bad idea. We should go. - No.

I'm the one that introduced him to her. I've gotta say something.

Wow.

- You're engaged to my friend. - Hey, Bernadette doesn't mind...

...where I get my motor running, as long as I park in the right garage.

I can't believe you're engaged to my friend.

(WHISPERS) Oh, here she comes.

Smart. Whisper, so the deaf chick can't hear you.

- (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hi. - Oh, hey. Hi. Nice to see you.

Um, can we talk to you about Raj?

She says, "Sure, what about him?"

Okay. Um, gosh, how do I start?

Um, see, Raj is kind of naive.

He hasn't dated a whole lot of women.

And I'm concerned that, without meaning to...

...you might be taking advantage of him.

By letting him buy you a bunch of expensive things.

I... Howard, focus.

- Tell her what I'm saying. - Right.

Are you a gold digger or not?

Oh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are?

Mind your own something business and go something yourself.

Oh, ha, ha, wait, I got this now.

- I'm so mad at you. - Okay, wait.

How dare you ambush my girlfriend at the gym?

We didn't mean for it to be an ambush.

It's kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people.

And, hey, since when are you so chatty?

- I'm hammered. - Raj, come here.

This girl is trouble.

What kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you sex?

The best one I've ever had.

Okay, come on, you know you can do better.

Aha!

I see what's going on here.

You and I had our crazy night together.

And now you can't stand to see me with another woman.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's okay, I can't get mad at your feelings.

I don't have feelings.

Yeah, that's good. Keep telling yourself that.

(DOOR CLOSES)

He is cuter now that I know he's rich.

I have a surprise for you. Cover your eyes.

Open them.

It's a real ruby.

It was a little expensive, but no one can put a price on love.

Although the people at Cartier took a pretty good shot at it.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

Oh, Mummy, Daddy, what a nice surprise.

No, it's not a nice surprise, it's a bad surprise.

- Penny called us. - Penny?

She told us you're spending all our money on your new girlfriend.

I just got her a couple of things.

She gives me things too.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a gynecologist. I know exactly what she gives you.

You need to find a nice Indian girl from a good family.

If you keep seeing this woman, you're cut off.

What? You're gonna make me choose between the woman I love...

...and the money I have very strong feelings for?

It's up to you.

- Well, I choose love. - Heh, you're an idiot.

Love doesn't last.

Well, he's going to find out eventually.

Think about it.

My, uh, parents are making me choose between money and you.

I choose you.

No. I think we'll have to return the car.

And the necklace. Yeah, that too.

But none of those things matter because we have something better.

We have love.

- Oh, Penny, I hurt so bad. - Uh...

I know. I know.

Sometimes I put the TV on mute just to pretend she's still with me.

But I can't watch the closed-captioning without crying.

(SOBBING)

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I wish I can make you feel better.

Seriously?

I'm heartbroken and you're hitting on me?

What? No.

Look, Penny, you're great, but I had a long talk with my parents.

And they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati.

Mm, oh, cheesecake, you're just as good as a woman...

...even though I can't have sex with you.

Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.

Should I use the restroom or wait until we get home?

Come on, Papa needs to void his bladder.

Oh, that's not what you wanna see after three buttermilks.

Here you go, boys. I'll pick it up when you're ready.

- Thanks for dinner, buddy. - Yeah, real big of you.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Oh, don't cheap out on the tip. We all know you're loaded now.